YouLookFab Forum » Topic: Trying Too Hard

YouLookFab Forum » Topic: Trying Too Hard https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/trying-too-hard Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Sat, 25 Apr 2026 00:48:40 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 <![CDATA[Search]]> q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php chadya on "Trying Too Hard" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/trying-too-hard/page/2#post-1132693 Wed, 08 Jan 2014 14:39:17 +0000 chadya 1132693@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ does it mean wearing all the current trends at once? in an effort to be up to the minute.  Helena on "Trying Too Hard" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/trying-too-hard/page/2#post-1132657 Wed, 08 Jan 2014 14:07:51 +0000 Helena 1132657@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I love this thread ... never thought about the term much before, but I will be banishing it from my vocabulary after reading this thread! What a positive group! Janet on "Trying Too Hard" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/trying-too-hard/page/2#post-1132653 Wed, 08 Jan 2014 14:01:29 +0000 Janet 1132653@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I like that piece on Already Pretty. Sal is so good on body image subjects! Anonymous on "Trying Too Hard" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/trying-too-hard/page/2#post-1132651 Wed, 08 Jan 2014 14:00:11 +0000 Anonymous 1132651@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I rather like how Sally said to be really positive when trying out new styles and 'fake' it till you feel the confidence come naturally. Obviously there are limits to how far we can push our own style to a different slant and that's where the baby steps can come in. Janet on "Trying Too Hard" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/trying-too-hard/page/2#post-1132649 Wed, 08 Jan 2014 13:57:08 +0000 Janet 1132649@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Sharon nailed it. My interpretation really hinges on a sense of "unease" in the wearer. I get that this phrase is loaded for a lot of people, but I admit that it crosses my mind when I see someone who can barely walk in their 5-inch heels. Aquamarine on "Trying Too Hard" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/trying-too-hard/page/2#post-1132646 Wed, 08 Jan 2014 13:52:01 +0000 Aquamarine 1132646@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Thank you Diane. Fascinating and insightful exploration by Sal. I enjoyed the comments, too...obviously the phrase hits a nerve with so many women. So much to think about here. Anonymous on "Trying Too Hard" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/trying-too-hard/page/2#post-1132622 Wed, 08 Jan 2014 13:28:11 +0000 Anonymous 1132622@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I thought you may be interested in this article on Already Pretty :<a href="http://www.alreadypretty.com/2011/04/trying-too-hard.html" rel="nofollow">http://www.alreadypretty.com/2.....-hard.html</a> I find it really interesting. Aquamarine on "Trying Too Hard" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/trying-too-hard/page/2#post-1132596 Wed, 08 Jan 2014 12:48:09 +0000 Aquamarine 1132596@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Gryffin, Deborah, Echo, unfrumped....you all eloquently sum it up for me....it's an experiment to move forward and try new things (in all aspects of life). When we do so, we can certainly set ourselves up for criticism or ridicule. There are baby steps we can take (to your point Gryffin) to dip our toes in and test out a change. THAT is my preference too...I am not one to suddenly dive in head first. I know I am an introvert and do not need/want the spotlight although I admire those who are willing to try new things WITH confidence. Caro....I started this thread in a sincere attempt to discuss the statement "trying too hard." It was spurred by a new member's question about trying a new trend and her discomfort about how it might be perceived by others. I assure you I am usually the one who wonders if I am being criticized as opposed to the one doing the criticizing. Just a by-product of never being or wanting to be the "popular" one but preferring to avoid the limelight. unfrumped on "Trying Too Hard" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/trying-too-hard/page/2#post-1132058 Wed, 08 Jan 2014 00:05:09 +0000 unfrumped 1132058@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Aquamarine, I can really relate to your last comment and somewhere on the forum there's been some similar discussion. If someone is experimenting with new look, new item, new anything there may be a time when it doesn't all "work" exactly as intended and hey, it's supposed to be fun, just give a rueful, hmmm, next time I will try this or that. That's where I think I can easily end up, have already in the past year or 2, as I don't have naturally effortless style, or perhaps I should say, I have a lower batting average than some folks for hitting a home run, and am especially vulnerable, if you will, when I'm trying something new. Sure I can review and tweak before heading out the door, but in the light of day I may go, whoops, maybe better next time. And while I've really benefited hugely from posting for advice, I surely don't want to feel that every experiment has to be YLF-approved. Thankfully no one here makes you feel that way. That's where I think I can take a lesson in viewing the man or gal on the street much more kindly--everyone needs "room to make a BIG mistake". Sure, sometimes it's very poor judgement or sometimes it was like trying a new recipe, or making one up, which is what I do, and maybe the cake fell flat. Echo on "Trying Too Hard" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/trying-too-hard/page/2#post-1132057 Wed, 08 Jan 2014 00:04:47 +0000 Echo 1132057@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Parsley makes a good point that the saying is often applied to "women of a certain age". Or maybe I am getting to "that age" and thus am more sensitive to its meaning in that regard. Overall, I generally hear it used to disparage a woman over 40 who looks what someone else might perceive as "too young" in her style of dress. Again, I am not sure what that is supposed to mean. As was mentioned in another thread, do young people think that women over 40 are only supposed to wear orthotics and rain bonnets?  Regardless, none of us grow unless we try. If that means occasionally looking like I made an effort, so be it. That is better for me than schlupping to the supermarket in pajamas and slippers! Deborah on "Trying Too Hard" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/trying-too-hard/page/2#post-1132056 Wed, 08 Jan 2014 00:01:48 +0000 Deborah 1132056@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I only use the phrase in relation to my own dressing.  I feel it's a negative and critical statement to use in relation to others. Trying to hard for me, is when I might try to copy an outfit or look exactly leaving me out of the equation.  It will be when I don't feel authentic in something. gryffin on "Trying Too Hard" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/trying-too-hard/page/2#post-1132050 Tue, 07 Jan 2014 23:57:01 +0000 gryffin 1132050@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Aquamarine - I don't know how you do it, but when I step outside my comfort zone (which I think is a good thing!!), I take baby steps.  When I first tried skinnies, I put them on with my favorite booties, merino tank, favorite embellished belt and black boyfriend blazer.  Although the skinnes were a bit outside my comfort zone I still felt wonderful and like me (PS I was suprised when not one word was said or ever said - to go back to the am post, so much for my so-called "edge")  But I am sure if I wore an entire outfit outside my comfort zone I would not be relaxed and be quite tense.  That might read as "trying too hard".  Now, as long as it's deliberate and you why you are doing something, than I don't think there is anything wrong with that.  But if you were going outside your comfort zone for anyone but you (work, spouse, to fit in - then you'd have to decide if that kind of discomfort was worth it to you)  But I agree with TTH to me implies discomfort, tension, inauthentic, a sense of unease.  I know I'm not being very eloquent.  Does that make any sense? Caro in Oz on "Trying Too Hard" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/trying-too-hard#post-1132026 Tue, 07 Jan 2014 23:31:51 +0000 Caro in Oz 1132026@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I wasn't going to comment because I really really can't abide the expression. Whether we apply it to ourselves or others it feels so judgemental & demeaning &, as others have said, it doesn't make sense without finishing the sentence.   IMO our thoughts & our judgements about others tell us way more about ourselves than they do about the person we are talking about. Like you Una when I see someone who looks incongruous (to ME) I wonder what is going on with that person. Maybe it's an age thing because I also (mostly) want to protect them, because to me they look really vulnerable in some way.  Aquamarine on "Trying Too Hard" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/trying-too-hard#post-1132023 Tue, 07 Jan 2014 23:31:41 +0000 Aquamarine 1132023@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I guess I am trying to understand this: if you are experiencing a style shift, or want to try a new trend, at what point does it look like you are trying too hard? There have been many posts from new members here over the years who joined to up their game, so to speak. Maybe they had a weight loss, maybe they were starting a new career, maybe they were done with babies and were rediscovering themselves. So they come here for help in dressing their new selves. Perhaps they don't even know what's in style anymore (I felt like that after baby #3!). Perhaps they are trying on different personas at this point....they have changed but are unsure HOW. Gryffin, I see your point. But how do you ever grow and change and try new things if you never step outside of your comfort zone? gryffin on "Trying Too Hard" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/trying-too-hard#post-1131928 Tue, 07 Jan 2014 22:31:01 +0000 gryffin 1131928@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Aquamarine - this is such an interesting discussion.  I was about to say the same thing as Sharon.  My take on "trying too hard" means that you are trying too hard to be something you are not.  You are not being authentic. Putting effort into looking nice, in a way that resonates with you and is genuine to your personal style, is having respect for how you present yourself to the world.  Gosh, that's what this is all about, right?  But putting on pieces of clothing in a way that is not authentic Is "trying to hard."  The mother who buys all the same clothing as her daughter to make her feel like a peer, but does not feel good in those clothes is trying too hard.  A woman who feels frumpy, so she copies a magazine spread exactly, but doesn't relate to the clothes, is trying to hard.  A woman who feels her husband doesnt' find her sexy and buys a bodycon dress and stillettos but feels awkward and self conscious in them is trying too hard.  I don't see how being true to your individual style, no matter what is, can be considered trying too hard. When you feel great, relaxed and comfortable in your clothes - you are never trying too hard.  BTW, Una, if you feel great in your fur vest and leather skinnies, then go out and rock them, that's not trying to hard, that's being you.   catgirl on "Trying Too Hard" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/trying-too-hard#post-1131902 Tue, 07 Jan 2014 22:00:21 +0000 catgirl 1131902@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Rachylou triggered a thought for me - when I see women wearing an excessive amount of makeup (like Tammy Faye Baker), I don't think of it as trying too hard in those terms, but I do wonder what is going on. To me most women look far better with less makeup. Aquamarine on "Trying Too Hard" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/trying-too-hard#post-1131897 Tue, 07 Jan 2014 21:51:19 +0000 Aquamarine 1131897@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ So much wisdom in this group! I have enjoyed reading your thoughts. Liz...yes, if I say it about myself, I am describing my discomfort with the image *I* think my clothes are projecting. Maybe no one else is thinking I am trying too hard to dress like my daughter for example, but something I am wearing has suggested that thought to *me.* Lyn, Isobel, Angie, and Laura ....I agree that "effortless" is a facade and an ideal that our culture? the media? hold up as admirable. To me it implies someone won the genetic lottery and is blessed with good looks and good taste and doesn't have to work at looking great. Which is a fantasy for most of the population... Suz and Sara L.....I feel the same way. I can feel I am trying too hard as soon as I start to feel inauthentic. Janet...if the thought crosses my mind that someone is trying too hard, it's because I sense they are uncomfortable or like their clothes are wearing THEM. Parsley...nicely put. There is an older woman in my church who always looks impeccable. She has fabulous, current taste, obviously enjoys getting dressed up, and is very comfortable in her skin. Yet she stands out because it seems most women her age in my church have "given up." I never think she is "trying too hard." It's obvious to me she is happy and comfortable in .her skin. Her fabulous smile doesn't hurt, either. Aleta...interesting. I hadn't thought about the phrase in those terms. I guess if I am with someone who is dressed nicer than me/the situation I just think they are enjoying dressing up. K....I am nodding my head at everything you said. You summed up everything I didn't know I was thinking! cceile...Unfortunately, the phrase does conjure up high school cliques. Can you imagine men EVER saying that to each other? Thistle and unfrumped...I agree! When did trying hard become a negative? My high schooler uses the phrase in a negative way..."he/she's a try-hard." I hasten to add my child DOES try hard at everything, yet wants to look as if he doesn't! Alaskagirl...I must have missed that post, but going to Sundance as much as you do DOES make you a rock star. :-) Always trying....when I get to the clothes-tossed-around-the-room point, I end up looking like a disaster! Laura...sort of like the first time I saw a photo of a model-celebrity not airbrushed. Sharon...exactly! Wendy45...yes, I too have to try an outfit ahead of time and get comfortable with it before it feels like me! rachylou on "Trying Too Hard" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/trying-too-hard#post-1131861 Tue, 07 Jan 2014 21:11:11 +0000 rachylou 1131861@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Hmm. At first I was gonna say you get "trying too hard" when you overlook or try to ignore some essential aspect of yourself that you hold pretty dear. But after further contemplation, I think it's more specifically adding more flash, attracting more attention, than you actually want or can cope with. Also, I think there's another related phrase, "doing too much," which is revealing of how much energy you want to put towards these sort of things. Like dd told me I needed to comb out my curls, that they were a hot mess (because of course they were). My response? "Um, no. Doing too much!" Hahaha. Wendy45 on "Trying Too Hard" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/trying-too-hard#post-1131776 Tue, 07 Jan 2014 19:53:20 +0000 Wendy45 1131776@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Aquamarine, to me effortless is when I don't have to think too much to come up with an outfit. When I feel I am trying ( too ) hard...it usually means I have a hard time to come up with a combination I feel comfortabel in. It probably shows I really have been trying hard and still don't feel totally happy with the outfit I am wearing. For me it helps to choose my outfit the evening before, it gives me more time to think it over. And to see of my outfit looks what I want to look like. I think the more comfortabel I feel in my clothes! the more effortless I look...I hope;-)! Sharon on "Trying Too Hard" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/trying-too-hard#post-1131775 Tue, 07 Jan 2014 19:53:16 +0000 Sharon 1131775@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I suspect that when people are judged (by themselves or by others) as "trying too hard" it is not about what they are wearing, but the attitude with which they are wearing it. "Trying too hard" for me evokes a sense of self-consciousness and discomfort by the wearer about what is being worn, and I think others pick up on that sense of unease and effort. Laura (rhubarbgirl) on "Trying Too Hard" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/trying-too-hard#post-1131747 Tue, 07 Jan 2014 19:18:47 +0000 Laura (rhubarbgirl) 1131747@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I agree that there are lots of loaded meanings behind trying too hard, having to do with this myth that women should look pulled together but not show how much work it takes. I'm reminded of a friend I had who I met in college and then worked with for a year or so right after we graduated. She was a very pretty girl but also had a mellow, hippie kind of vibe, vegetarian and organic eater, all that jazz (to stereotype horribly). I, who was a very low maintenance person in hair and makeup at the time, was shocked when I found out that she had her eyebrows waxed every few weeks. Not because of the waxing but because I thought she naturally looked that way. That's where I think the real harm can come, not from choosing to wear makeup or wear carefully composed outfits or whatever, but by pretending that those things are our natural state and hiding all the work that it takes. For me personally there is such a thing as trying too hard - when my outfits get in the way of being able to function in my day to day life, or when I'm so preoccupied with how I look that I'm ignoring other things that are important to me. It happens sometimes - I'm as vain and self obsessed as everyone else - but I try to redirect my energy when it's swung so far to that end of the pendulum. I certainly try not to judge other people as far as that angle goes, though - some things that would totally overwhelm me don't faze other people and vice versa. always trying on "Trying Too Hard" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/trying-too-hard#post-1131741 Tue, 07 Jan 2014 19:14:29 +0000 always trying 1131741@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ only time this pertains to me is when I go thru half my closet trying to get dressed for some occasion when I am not sure how to dress.  You know, when you are exhausted by the time you get the pile re hung and back in drawers before you run out of time, and have to stick on something. unfrumped on "Trying Too Hard" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/trying-too-hard#post-1131736 Tue, 07 Jan 2014 19:05:05 +0000 unfrumped 1131736@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I hate that it can really mean all kinds of things and of course it is okay to try hard but not to look that way. For me it lines up with what Aquamarine, Suz, and Sara L . said--not too matchy, not too many focal points--and I would add looking too "precious," as though something may become un-arranged, or has to be just so, or anything that looks like it might be spoilt by touching or moving. So that is how, when I AM trying hard to put something together, I review things and see, do I need to take off one accessory, does this look too contrived, does that move well and look comfortable, does something look so predictable and something else would look more nonchalant. More than overly youthful, I'd say I am in situations where people are more dressed down and not doing much, and I admit I'm sensitive to looking overdone in those settings. catgirl on "Trying Too Hard" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/trying-too-hard#post-1131718 Tue, 07 Jan 2014 18:43:47 +0000 catgirl 1131718@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Thistle, that is kind of what I was getting at with my rock star outfit example. Because I am definitely not a rock star. But does that mean dressing like one is off limits because that would be trying too hard? Not that I care because it is so much fun! I kind of hate the phrase too... Thistle on "Trying Too Hard" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/trying-too-hard#post-1131708 Tue, 07 Jan 2014 18:36:53 +0000 Thistle 1131708@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I *think* it means that we are all trying for the effortless chic of the French! I, pwersonally, hate the term "trying too hard". We have been working very hard to teach our daughter how important it is to try hard at something. If it doesn't come easy to you, you are going to have to work at it. Although, I think Liz may be on the truth of it. Trying to hard is only half of the sentence. You don't want to look like you are trying to be something you feel you aren't or you feel society says you aren't. cciele on "Trying Too Hard" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/trying-too-hard#post-1131704 Tue, 07 Jan 2014 18:27:33 +0000 cciele 1131704@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I wonder if this phrase is used when the viewer thinks a person cares "too much" about what they are wearing and how they are groomed. Part of society has deemed fashion as frivolous, so it would give an approving nod to the "effortless" look and frown upon the "trying to hard" look. Or maybe it's a reflection of how they felt in high school, when teenagers tried too hard to fit into the right crowd. Anyhow, it's quite an unfortunate, useless phrase. K. Period. on "Trying Too Hard" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/trying-too-hard#post-1131678 Tue, 07 Jan 2014 18:04:32 +0000 K. Period. 1131678@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I am so glad (and totally not surprised) that there are so many kindred thinkers on this forum! I HATE the phrase "trying too hard."  To me, it is a way to criticize without having to appear to criticize. When it is used toward others, I think the critic is try to put down or put in their place others who are aspiring for more.  When it is used towards ourselves, I think it is our negative self-voice trying to tell us not to try too hard for fear of rejection or failure.  I think there is such a thing as wearing something contrived or costumey, and while those features may be used for constructive criticism as a way to get people to wear something that is ultimately more comfortable or authentic for the wearer, I don't think they should be used as a criticism to put the wearer in her place.  The language of fashion criticism can carry a lot of judgment about a person's value and place in society.  Being aware of how that language is used is really helpful to avoid using it ourselves, soften its sting when it is used against us and understand the fears of the person using it.   BTW, such a great topic! Thanks for posting this!  Aleta on "Trying Too Hard" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/trying-too-hard#post-1131517 Tue, 07 Jan 2014 15:46:39 +0000 Aleta 1131517@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Does it mean that people think that you are making a huge effort to look better than everyone else, and therefore assume you think you are a cut above??  This is a difficult one, as it is a phrase that I think others may apply to me, although I hope not given the above statement! I do have matchy-matchy tendencies and mostly tend be the most dressed up person in the room, but I never have ALGO and I don't wear jewellery.  I love a tailored jacket, so even with jeans at the shops I probably look smart and I have been told quite a few times that I always look so neat (yuck!) Parsley on "Trying Too Hard" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/trying-too-hard#post-1131508 Tue, 07 Jan 2014 15:42:54 +0000 Parsley 1131508@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ The phrase "Trying too hard" really bugs me! -especially when it's applied to women of a certain age. So we shouldn't keep trying to look nice? Instead of "effortless" I prefer to use "uncontrived". I think the meaning of genuine and unforced, and without artifice is more aptly what people really mean when they say "effortless". Janet on "Trying Too Hard" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/trying-too-hard#post-1131474 Tue, 07 Jan 2014 15:20:58 +0000 Janet 1131474@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I echo Sara's thoughts. I generally only think it about myself when it seems like something is not working. On the few occasions I've had that thought applied to someone else, it's usually because they are throwing every trend in the bag into one outfit or dressing like a teenager.