YouLookFab Forum » Topic: Too much housework for an 11 year old?

YouLookFab Forum » Topic: Too much housework for an 11 year old? https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/too-much-housework-for-an-11-year-old Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Sat, 25 Apr 2026 03:22:02 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 <![CDATA[Search]]> q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php Anonymous on "Too much housework for an 11 year old?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/too-much-housework-for-an-11-year-old/page/2#post-1463541 Thu, 26 Mar 2015 20:03:12 +0000 Anonymous 1463541@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ In our household, education has always been top priority. Housework takes a back seat. That said, my children have been expected to keep their bedrooms clean, clean their respective bathrooms, and help with general housework such as dusting and vacuuming since they were about age 10. They are older now, and do their own laundry plus cook for themselves. I could ask them to do more, of course, but all of them have had heavy course loads (advanced classes). The ones who are in college also work part-time. What my DH and I never did was pay them to do chores or pay them for making good grades. We do not pay for things children are expected to do in the first place. rachylou on "Too much housework for an 11 year old?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/too-much-housework-for-an-11-year-old/page/2#post-1462288 Tue, 24 Mar 2015 08:54:38 +0000 rachylou 1462288@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I agree with unfrumped. Sounds like you've kept your head on :) This is tangential - but my dd, when she first got her own place with roommates, she thought filling the fridge and doing more chores counted for something. Like she should get a discount in her share of the rent, and such arrangements work like family ( whoops!). I had the same sort of mistaken idea when I was young (not about my share of rent, tho, ha!). But I thought sharing a space meant you should do things together, like eat together. On the one hand, it's a little bad I trained her to be just like me, with my faults. On the other hand, I don't know. I am family oriented and prefer it that way... unfrumped on "Too much housework for an 11 year old?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/too-much-housework-for-an-11-year-old/page/2#post-1462041 Mon, 23 Mar 2015 21:26:56 +0000 unfrumped 1462041@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ anne, sounds like a very sensible and loving approach. Mercy, plus expectations, plus attention to her health and  her energy levels (time for meals and sleep) and including her in the problem-solving, and the teacher. What a great mom! anne on "Too much housework for an 11 year old?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/too-much-housework-for-an-11-year-old/page/2#post-1461182 Sun, 22 Mar 2015 05:25:40 +0000 anne 1461182@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Well I am sorry to have (as I so often do) taken so long to get back to this thread.  Please be assured that  I have pondered everyone's input a great deal. I am not sure I can manage to respond to you all individually but  I thought Id update you a little on what DH and I are thinking about the way forward. Firstly I have ascertained that the main problem with her getting behind with her housework was 2 busy weekends with no time. This weekend was quieter and she has caught up. I also did a washing load for her this morning and have done a bit more of chucking her stuff in with the loads I do. But officially, we are not changing her tasks, just adding a bit more mercy for busier times. She does after all have an opt-out option for several of her tasks already. I am also working with her to try and get to bed earlier. We've been talking about time management for her homework and she does have some ideas for it.  DH and I think we need to spend more time working with her on this.  It isn't her daily homework that is causing the late nights - it is the projects, usually powerpoint presentations.We think we need to help her be efficient about how much time to spend on this. I think I'll also ask her teacher about this, and the general expectation for time spent on homework. DD thinks that she might not be eating enough breakfast. She has an egg most days, sometimes with a cooked tomato and she says it fill her up but she thinks maybe it isn't actually enough, especially since she get hungry again in the evenings. Aziraphale on "Too much housework for an 11 year old?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/too-much-housework-for-an-11-year-old/page/2#post-1460927 Sat, 21 Mar 2015 16:38:55 +0000 Aziraphale 1460927@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Elpgal: interesting (and infuriating, and also somewhat unsurprising) graph and article. rabbit on "Too much housework for an 11 year old?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/too-much-housework-for-an-11-year-old/page/2#post-1460597 Fri, 20 Mar 2015 19:51:38 +0000 rabbit 1460597@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I think unfrumped makes good points.  I was aware as a kid that it was about 'fairness' to all family members that the chores were shared, and I felt that.  Also I mildly enjoyed most of them, or the sense of accomplishment and a tidy house that went with them, and that's carried over to my adult live pretty much.  There is something very zen about the simple physical labor of daily life.  unfrumped on "Too much housework for an 11 year old?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/too-much-housework-for-an-11-year-old/page/2#post-1460580 Fri, 20 Mar 2015 19:16:05 +0000 unfrumped 1460580@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I wasn't as good as I wanted to be in enforcing chores, but I did not think my kids were overworked! It's more a societal thing that kids' time gets channeled to school plus fun stuff and expectation that adults do all the other work. I agree it's ideal if you can brainstorm together on the idea that it's "citizenship" as well as learning activities needed to be a successful adult. These vary with age of child, so that older teen may be learning (and paying for) car maintenance, paying bills while younger kids simpler chores. Maybe certain kids prefer certain chores (not that they're "coddled", but again, finding ways to use talents and preferences. And maybe it's hokey, but I always liked the idea of, if we all get the house cleaned up together, we can go for pizza and movie (or at home)--anyway, tying in how you work and you play, everyone gets to do that. Since all families are different, it is indeed about balance. Does each family member have time for school, work, play, downtime, and the mundane and necessary chores? What is each family member's "bad day" or long day and can we all work around those? Are there chores that are created by having too much stuff, too complicated systems? Cook once/eat twice; not thousands of toys to put away; 10  min pickup daily instead of monster clean up on the weekend. Different things like that. One of the best reasons I ever noted for having kids do a reasonable amount of chores is that you like your kids more when they do, and you end up wanting to do more for them (maybe in other ways). It's quite true, it's very positive for relationships. Traci on "Too much housework for an 11 year old?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/too-much-housework-for-an-11-year-old/page/2#post-1460274 Fri, 20 Mar 2015 12:03:37 +0000 Traci 1460274@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I didn't have a chance to read all replies, so my apologies if I'm repeating. I love to use these types of opportunities to teach my kids about balance and how they need to be actively involved in seeking balance in their own lives.  I'd sit down with her and have her map out her responsibilities.  Then I'd brainstorm with her on how she could minimize the drain that some of her particular activities cause her (packing lunch the night before, having you buy some prepackaged snack things, moving the laundry bin, arranging which night she does the washing up, a new silverware tray, etc.)   Adolescence is a great time to teach them to listen to their bodies, know when they are doing too much and know how to readjust when they're there.  My highschool daughter becomes overwhelmed from time to time and I love that we get to problem solve this together, because these are skills she will use when she is juggling a job, kids, hobbies and a spouse. chadya on "Too much housework for an 11 year old?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/too-much-housework-for-an-11-year-old/page/2#post-1460272 Fri, 20 Mar 2015 11:54:30 +0000 chadya 1460272@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I did not read the whole thread but, I think at this age helping around the house is a good thing, focus on school work is the primary thing. elpgal on "Too much housework for an 11 year old?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/too-much-housework-for-an-11-year-old/page/2#post-1459742 Thu, 19 Mar 2015 19:10:54 +0000 elpgal 1459742@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I came across this article about how girls do more chores and get paid less. Worth a read. <a href="http://thesocietypages.org/socimages/2015/03/16/children-chores-and-the-gender-pay-gap-at-home/" rel="nofollow">http://thesocietypages.org/soc.....p-at-home/</a> Laurie on "Too much housework for an 11 year old?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/too-much-housework-for-an-11-year-old#post-1459201 Wed, 18 Mar 2015 23:05:59 +0000 Laurie 1459201@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Ahhh great thread. I grew up with an  Mom a lot like Diana's Control Freak Mom.  She complained constantly about how much housework she had to do and what a mess the house was, but there were only very certain chores we were "allowed" to do.  For example, no one but she was allowed to do the laundry - there is a very precise soaking procedure to do (to this day) and so on!  My father refuses to make their bed to this day after 54 years of marriage because he couldn't do it exactly right!  But, what I could do was a long list, believe me!  At 11 and older I: <ul> <li>made my bed every day and kept my room neat always</li> <li>stripped and remade the bed weekly </li> <li>folded baskets and baskets of clothes and towels a precise way</li> <li>unloaded (but never loaded!) the dishwasher</li> <li>babysat for my younger siblings on demand</li> <li>dusted (does anyone dust anymore?) 2x a week</li> <li>vacuumed (but only before Dad got home from work)</li> <li>etc.</li> </ul> My boys (16 and 20 now) have been expected to make beds, get dirty clothes to the laundry, set or clear the dinner table, unload the dishwasher, take out trash, bring in the newspaper. They have also helped with yard chores like grass cutting, leaf raking etc., and helped Dad with other projects in the house.   Allowance - both got a weekly allowance, but not for doing the chores. The chores are expected as part of our family, which was my parents' philosophy.    I'm a little on the, eh hem, neat side, growing up as I did. I have tried to not be as obsessive as my mom was, but I get there sometimes usually 30 minutes before company arrives and I'm not ready!    I think it is a courtesy to the family and to visitors to have a nice house.  I think it is a duty to raise kids to have good hygiene and house keeping skills because they will be living with others when they leave my house.  I have been fortunate to be able to afford cleaning help one or 2 times a month which I have been so grateful for, otherwise I would spend half of each weekend doing the housework, and not spending time with my family.  Or my house would be a wreck which would make me very cranky all the time! I second what Joy pointed out - most kids these days have plenty of time for texting and video games, so that time can be repurposed. Good luck. It's all Very Hard sometimes, isn't it?! Suz on "Too much housework for an 11 year old?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/too-much-housework-for-an-11-year-old#post-1459136 Wed, 18 Mar 2015 21:17:09 +0000 Suz 1459136@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Anne, I'm super late on this but I was very interested in the question and before anyone else had responded, I asked my 15 year old DD what SHE thought. I figured that as someone near the age of your own DD she might have an interesting perspective.  Her answer was essentially the same as Viva's: "It depends." It depends on what else the child has to do during the week, what her temperament is, what the family's needs are. It depends on how well she deals with stress, and whether the other activities are valuable or not.  For my DD, that amount of work would have been too much at age 11. Yet she felt that for someone else, it might be okay or at least bearable.  At your DD's age, she was actually able to do more in the way of chores than she is now that she is in high school! (To Kelly's point.)   But, the truth is, we didn't ask her to. School is already pretty tiring and stressful.  She was responsible for tidying her room and sharing in the major cleans of that room (the kind where you sort through EVERYTHING and edit as well as doing the ordinary dusting, vacuuming, etc.); clearing the table/ loading the dishwasher after some meals; cleaning out her lunch dishes; helping with general family chores when needed. Sometimes folding laundry, depending on when we did it. Always, for putting away her own clothes.  When she was 6 and 7, her dad lived for part of the year away from us for work reasons. So she and I did exactly what Echo says re chores. On Saturday mornings we put on music and did a major clean (shared) of the entire house. Then we usually went out for lunch together and then shopped for groceries and did a big cook when we got back, preparing food ahead for some of the week to come.  In other words, she did more when she was little than she does now. But she knows what it involves and these days is starting to enjoy cooking, so that is another chore she has volunteered to do once a week.  Aziraphale on "Too much housework for an 11 year old?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/too-much-housework-for-an-11-year-old#post-1458916 Wed, 18 Mar 2015 16:08:16 +0000 Aziraphale 1458916@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Anne, I am no help. I also have an 11-year-old and I am struggling with this, because I feel like she should do some chores, but at the moment she doesn't have time. I started another thread about it in Off Topic. Also, our schedule is all over the map. We don't have a 'regular' family life. My husband isn't home for dinner during the week (not ever), I'm at university, my kids have after-school activities and my in-laws are here several days a week picking up the slack. So it's hard to institute routines. Anyway, to answer your question, I don't really know if you've assigned your daughter too much. Maybe? I don't know what else she has to do -- i.e. how much homework she has, or what other sports etc she's involved in.  I feel like my own parents had a good handle on this. I know that at her age, I was required to keep my room tidy, and help clean up after supper (but we had a dishwasher, which helped). That was pretty much it during the week. On Saturday mornings everybody had to do an hour or two of housework, although these could vary from week to week. I usually chose vacuuming or cleaning bathrooms. I know I never chose mowing the lawn. (I still don't know how to start the lawnmower). As for cooking, it's not a bad idea to get her to do some once in a while. I think you're on the right track there. I was never required to cook, and I was lost at sea when I first moved out of my parents' house. (I think my mom hated cooking too, so I don't blame her for this oversight). Anonymous on "Too much housework for an 11 year old?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/too-much-housework-for-an-11-year-old#post-1458728 Wed, 18 Mar 2015 10:00:22 +0000 Anonymous 1458728@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I have to say that after reading Echo's comment, I feel a similar way. I do intend to get my son doing a few more jobs around the home, but I also feel that school is a bit like a full time job; plus he's tired from growth spurts. I want him to enjoy being a kid. But also, everybody has to do what works for them and their families. To each his own. Editing to add that it may be worth checking out the fatigue. I remember getting a lot of colds at one point and I think I was a bit zinc deficient. Make sure your DD has enough iron too Anonymous on "Too much housework for an 11 year old?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/too-much-housework-for-an-11-year-old#post-1458630 Wed, 18 Mar 2015 04:10:33 +0000 Anonymous 1458630@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ You have already gotten many great comments and ideas. I teach religious education to children aged 9-13 and have been astounded by the number who read, play video games, or text their friends after their parents think that they are in bed for the night. It is usually fatigue that alerts the parents that something is going on. Just a thought. This also seems an age (11-12) when homework can become intense. Adelfa on "Too much housework for an 11 year old?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/too-much-housework-for-an-11-year-old#post-1458586 Wed, 18 Mar 2015 03:15:56 +0000 Adelfa 1458586@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ My kids at that age had music and sports, earned good grades, and did their own laundry. I have to admit I wasn't picky about how they chose to keep their rooms. And they didn't do dishes. The thing is it's not clear that chores are making her tired. If the fatigue persists I'd echo the suggestion of taking her to the doctor. Also, is anything happening that's putting her under stress? There are so many things that could be affecting her emotionally, which could then manifest as fatigue. Good job paying attention to what your daughter is telling you! anne on "Too much housework for an 11 year old?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/too-much-housework-for-an-11-year-old#post-1458577 Wed, 18 Mar 2015 03:03:31 +0000 anne 1458577@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Oh and she has always been the tidy one (much tidier than I am, truth be told) So this is a recent change. I enjoyed reading about all your own experiences and what your kids do - of course our families do differ quite a lot with these expectations and our circumstances.  I work 4 days a week (and was full-time for 18 months before that) and DD's contribution does really help - as I discovered last year when she had a cast on!  DH works full time, though from home, and he already does all the school drop offs, cooks 3 to 4 nights a week, often for a crowd and does 2 school pickups and homework supervisions and some tidying (and that is all less than he did now I only work 4 days) Tiredness - I think that may of have hit the nail on the head when you  said that really this is the issue and we need to look with her at the whole picture and how we can deal with it.  I'd say she is beginning puberty though she isn't going through a growth spurt right now, heightwise, and is eating less. She was diagnosed with celiac disease last year, and I do sometimes worry that she may not be getting enough carbs now. DH is a extreme night owl and needs lots of sleep so she could be taking after him. I was particularly stuck by <a href="http://youlookfab.com/member/demimondaine/" rel="nofollow">La Belle Demimondaine</a>'s point about a sort of sweet spot go to bed before the second wind comes. Oh and in terms of your 2 groups of kids - she is definitely a responsible type (typical first born!) but maybe she is the "needs extra time and sleep" sort. Oh and I'll check out Flylady - haven't looked there for a while now but I have found her concepts useful in the past Thanks so much everybody - you've been really helpful Echo I have just seen your comment - I do want them to have time to dream and imagine - will think some more. Echo on "Too much housework for an 11 year old?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/too-much-housework-for-an-11-year-old#post-1458569 Wed, 18 Mar 2015 02:52:21 +0000 Echo 1458569@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ If a person thinks about it, a child has a full-time job in going to school. Then add to that the piano and the homework and the swimming, and that's a LOT to do - not including any chores at home at all.  I am probably too soft on my kids, but I always figured that if I wasn't prepared to do laundry for them, cook and clean the house, then I wasn't ready to have children. I agree that kids need some responsibilities, but keeping their rooms clean, making sure their laundry lands in the basket (and not on the floor), and minor things like helping clear the dinner table/set the table, sweep up after dinner or help taking turns taking out the garbage is enough, IMO. Kids also need down time to dream, re-charge and imagine. My kids' main job is their grades, and then their extra-curriculars. It is bad enough for an adult to have to "look forward" to doing laundry, cooking and cleaning after work; it would be overwhelming for a child that has practice and homework as well. As a child, my mum, my sister and I made a "party" of cleaning the house for a couple hours on one of the days of the weekend. We all worked together, and helped dust, vacuum, strip and wash linens and remade the beds together. It felt like teamwork, and we laughed and played music. In that context, it wasn't work, and it wasn't even tiring to think about. Perhaps it is the context of the work that is discouraging your DD? Maybe working together or making things fun (and cutting back in expectations) could help her feel better about things? Like others have said, every family has a different culture. I can't say what is absolutely right or wrong for other people. But that would, without question, be too much for my DD to handle (she is a year younger, just turning 11 in about a month). She always has her nose in a book, and I want to encourage that, not give her adult responsibilities when she isn't even a teen. "The real world" can be tough, and there will be plenty of years when she will have to maintain a home herself. I see no need to rush things. anne on "Too much housework for an 11 year old?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/too-much-housework-for-an-11-year-old#post-1458558 Wed, 18 Mar 2015 02:36:24 +0000 anne 1458558@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Louise - she doesn't have to wipe up - just wash. We leave it to dry and it is DD7 puts it away in the morning Actually that is a bit of a funny story. They were all three supposed to share putting it away but the older girls offered (then) DD6 10cents a day to do it for them -  Mine start getting pocket money at 7 so it meant she got some money.  Then DD6 decided she didn't want to put cutlery away so she does the rest and the older 2 do the cutlery and they only pay her 9 cents a day (I don't know how exact this payment is as I try to stay out of it - I think they just give her a few dollars every few weeks)  It works really well as DD7 is more of an early bird and is quite efficient at it. She is of the bustling type! Washing - my chief obstacle with cutting this is that I have a whole system set up where "when you are 9 you do your own washing".  So DD9 does her too. They all have had to put their own clothes away even before this.  In terms of economy of washing loads, Astrid - they (and I) share loads in the washing machine stage of it. It is the hanging out and bringing in and folding that is the work after all. School lunches - this wasn't part of the plan actually!! I used to make them for them and they asked to do it themselves and I said go for it!!  Sometimes DD is rather fancy and cooks things for her lunch but often she just chucks in a tin of tuna and some baby tomatoes, a piece of fruit and one GF "treat" (we do batch baking and have them ready wrapped in the freezer)  I do have an arrangement with them that I will make their lunch IF they ask me the night before (I leave for work quite a lot earlier than they go to school and I have quite a regimented timeline for my morning routine). Mostly it is DD7 who takes up that offer every once a week or so. Our school only has canteen once a week and DD11 can't eat that for lunch anyway as it isn't GF. Earning extra money - yes we have an arrangement that there are 1. Jobs you do as just part of the family (eg helping clear up before visitors, helping clear table sometimes) 2. Jobs which you need to have done to get your pocket money (though not exactly as payment for them) 3 Extra jobs to earn money - occassionally offered by me to any takers - but also they can ask me if they want to. DD11 is not the one to go for number 3, perhaps because she gets the most pocket money! Cooking - I like the idea of them cooking  and had a plan that they would all cook one night a week once they were 10. That hasn't quite happened. When I was a SAHM mum I had a scheme for awhile where they got to be "kitchen helper" for a week at a time and help me prepare meals (I think they got to pick what we ate one meal a week) They were all keen on cooking (somewhat Masterchef influenced) but I wanted them to know ordinary everyday meals as well as making inventions and doing baking.  DD11 can certainly cook several different meals and a while ago was often offering to cook Saturday lunch. Given her tiredness issues I am not pushing this one right now. anne on "Too much housework for an 11 year old?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/too-much-housework-for-an-11-year-old#post-1458542 Wed, 18 Mar 2015 02:00:52 +0000 anne 1458542@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Thank you all so much for weighing on this thread - you have given me a lot to ponder and I think things are getting clearer in my mind I'll deal more with the topics that you have raised rather than going through each response - hope that is ok!!  I have read them all several times. Firstly, HelenEdith's point that this is nearly the end of the summer term is really important context. I kind of forget that every year it is a long slog becaue of the heat predominantly and to a lesser extent because of school swimming lessons (every day for 2 weeks). At least it is only a 9 week term this time. She'll have a chance to rest in less that 2 weeks (well to some extent because she is actually going away for a camp at Easter!) TrayeyLiz saying " In my house bedrooms and laundry were more on weekends than school days"  also set the bells ringing. This SHOULD be true of us too. DD doesn't have any regular Saturday activities and my general expectation is that she gets her room clean by Saturday midday (I don't expect tidiness everyday) and does her laundry on Sat morning too.  BUT she was busy  with other things all last Saturday and Sunday too, and the previous weekend Saturday was taken up with a school camp. So no wonder she hasn't had the time to do it! Rachylou's point that "Right now out there somewhere is a four year old going to a well to get his family water" is something that is very close to my mind. I know quite well that many children of her age around the world already work for a living, and that 200 years ago she probably would have been too. She certainly lives a very privileged life (as do I).  Style Fan on "Too much housework for an 11 year old?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/too-much-housework-for-an-11-year-old#post-1458530 Wed, 18 Mar 2015 01:34:23 +0000 Style Fan 1458530@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I find this very interesting.  What Rachylou said and then Viva and Rabbit added to is also true to me.  Different families operate and function differently but it can work beautifully.  I don't feel I can comment on the amount of chores your daughter does because I don't think there is a perfect answer. rabbit on "Too much housework for an 11 year old?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/too-much-housework-for-an-11-year-old#post-1458461 Tue, 17 Mar 2015 23:39:34 +0000 rabbit 1458461@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I'll just add on to what Viva said, since that rings very true to me, I had two parents both working over full time so if me and my sister did less chores the household really wouldn't have functioned.   I still find unloading the dishwasher one of the most mentally soothing things ever though, since it's something I've done consistently for so long I guess. viva on "Too much housework for an 11 year old?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/too-much-housework-for-an-11-year-old#post-1458372 Tue, 17 Mar 2015 21:15:36 +0000 viva 1458372@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Still chucking at Rachylou: "Right now out there somewhere is a four year old going to a well to get his family water." But it's not really funny, because it is in fact true, and also because it cuts right to the heart of this, for me. What is right is set by at least three things (1) cultural norms, (2) family needs, and (3) parental philosophy. It's so hard to feel comfortable commenting. Since you asked, I will just say that from my perspective, it feels like a lot. Granted, my kids probably did not do enough by many people's standards, which is clear (even to me) when I see how messy they can be as young women. But they have really strong work ethics (at 19 and 23 both have multiple jobs) and they're interested and curious people, and I think that was where my focus was when they were kids (which meant that at 11, the priorities were pretty simple: homework and free time for creative play). They had some obligations in the home but honestly, not too many: their rooms, bringing down their laundry, clearing the dinner table. When they were teenagers we asked more of them, but they also had jobs outside the home. It all comes back to those things I mentioned before: what works in your culture, for your family, and for you as a parent. I believe it's going to be different for everyone. Mary Beth (formerly LBD) on "Too much housework for an 11 year old?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/too-much-housework-for-an-11-year-old#post-1458341 Tue, 17 Mar 2015 20:50:00 +0000 Mary Beth (formerly LBD) 1458341@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Flylady.net has <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.flylady.net/d/control-journals/">a lot of great tools</a>, including control journals for kids, to help them sort out their chores and schoolwork, and a lot of ladies have written in to say how much their kids love it. Wow, lots of great feedback here!   Like Rabbit, I don't have kids, but I do work with kids in theatre, and I know that there are the eager, ready-to-grow-up 11-12 year olds, and then there are 'younger'11-12 year olds, who aren't quite ready to shoulder as much responsibility.   And of all the kids I work with (ages 6-16), some of them seem to have boundless energy, and some need extra time to sleep, to process their schoolwork and learn their lines, and choreography.    My chore list, at age 11-12, was pretty much the same as your daughter's, except laundry and cooking.   Believe it or not, I used to beg to be allowed to cook and run the washing machine, and my mom refused!   My sister and I always hung the clothes out to dry though, and we thought it was a fun game.  I think 11-12 is old enough to sit down with you and her dad, and have a family consultation.   Ask her.   Why are you tired?   If we let you give up one chore, what would you choose?   See what she says.   Ask her to write out her ideal schedule.  This isn't a retreat.   Explain that you see her effort, you applaud it and are very proud of her.   Tell her you want her to excel at school, and at the things she loves:  swimming, and piano.   Maybe the three of you can work out a schedule that gives her some extra rest and downtime, but still keeps her on-track, being responsible, and helping the family. I was always a night owl as a kid - even into my late 20's, I knew that I had to be in bed no later than 9:40pm, because around 10:05, my eyes would suddenly be wide open and my mind would be alert for hours.   If you can figure out when she gets her second wind in the evenings, you can establish a time for her to be in her pajamas, lying in bed, with lights dimmed or out. rabbit on "Too much housework for an 11 year old?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/too-much-housework-for-an-11-year-old#post-1458193 Tue, 17 Mar 2015 18:14:18 +0000 rabbit 1458193@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I don't have kids, but your daughters chores sound close to mine growing up.  I didn't have an allowance but got 'paid' for chores (quarter for unloading the dishwasher, etc. -- adjust for inflation) and 'fined' if I didn't do my required chore.  This actually worked great for me and my sister and we'd do extra chores if we wanted to buy something.  We could be very stubborn when cajoled but were motivated by financial considerations. ;) At that age I was responsible for: -getting good grades -unloading the dishwasher every day (loading my own dishes) -bringing dirty clothes to the laundry room and folding/sorting bringing them back upstairs to put away (my mom ran the machine) -tidying my room -everything to do with pets -sweeping basement and kitchen weekly -cooking (badly) about once a week - this I hated -vacuuming and mowing on rotation with other family members -breakfast and packing lunches -getting to and from school (if I missed the school bus I had to go get a city bus). It sounds like tiredness could be related to a lot of things, lack of sleep, growth, stress, many activities.  I would hide a book under the covers and read until 4 in the morning if no one noticed at that age.  What does your daughter think is tiring her out? kellygirl on "Too much housework for an 11 year old?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/too-much-housework-for-an-11-year-old#post-1458182 Tue, 17 Mar 2015 17:44:12 +0000 kellygirl 1458182@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Wow, I have nothing to add because I rarely see my kids these days. I'm pretty sure they still live here though. I *wish* I had thought about chores earlier. Mine are 13 and 16 and are responsible for keeping their rooms clean, cleaning their bathroom and folding/putting away their laundry. Between school, homework and soccer, I'm not sure how they would manage much more household work at this point. It would have been nice to have started this in grade school so they would at least "get" the idea of chores--before their lives got over taken with other stuff.  qfbrenda on "Too much housework for an 11 year old?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/too-much-housework-for-an-11-year-old#post-1458163 Tue, 17 Mar 2015 17:24:00 +0000 qfbrenda 1458163@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ As a mom of 5, the chore list seems reasonable to me. We all make the messes around here and we all help clean them up. My kids start doing their own laundry around age 11/12 and have been folding their own laundry since they were 5/6 yrs old. I don't have an 11 yr old at the moment, but my 10 yr old folds his laundry, cleans his room, helps vacuum the house a few times a week, helps dust, helps unload the dishwasher several times a week, and does various things outside as needed---raking, sweeping, etc. Though throwing in swim training is something we haven't done so I'm not sure how to factor that in. We do piano so that is similar to our house. I'm of a strong belief that kids need to help around the house, partly to contribute to the household, and also to simply learn how. Kids need to know how to clean, do laundry, cook, clean up, etc. it's part of life training. So if I was going to cut something out, chores wouldn't be it. I would address her getting to bed earlier. It sounds like she definitely needs more sleep. I'm not sure how dropping a few chores would accomplish that. Diana on "Too much housework for an 11 year old?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/too-much-housework-for-an-11-year-old#post-1458114 Tue, 17 Mar 2015 16:45:47 +0000 Diana 1458114@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Hmm, when I was around that age, I think I was doing: --keeping my room tidy --random pitching in around the house, like when guests were coming, etc --sometimes unloading dishwasher --setting table (again, not all the time) --gathering and putting away my own laundry (but not actually doing it) Keep in mind that my mom is a Control Freak and does not allow anyone else in the house to do dishes, serious cooking, or laundry, because, I don't know, we won't do it right or we'll mess something up, etc.  My parents also did not believe in allowance/pocket money (if we wanted to buy something we'd have to ask them for it).  Anyway, I did not find the above to be too many chores but I was jealous of my friends who got allowances.  I think the idea to make some of the chores optional, but rewarded (i.e. with additional pocket money) would be a good idea.  Jilena on "Too much housework for an 11 year old?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/too-much-housework-for-an-11-year-old#post-1458065 Tue, 17 Mar 2015 15:57:37 +0000 Jilena 1458065@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ That does sound like a bit much, but then again, I'm not sure, have you tried talking to her and get her input and maybe form a type of compromise? I've never personally had children myself.  Jules on "Too much housework for an 11 year old?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/too-much-housework-for-an-11-year-old#post-1458046 Tue, 17 Mar 2015 15:40:31 +0000 Jules 1458046@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Is she starting puberty? Teens do need a lot of sleep and often stay up late then have trouble waking up. So maybe it's not just the chores and there is some general schedule changing that needs to happen, or more flexibility if possible. If backing down on chores does seem necessary, I would just tell the truth... you've noticed that she is very tired and has a lot on her plate, so you've decided to ease up a bit to see if that helps.