https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/the-sort-of-questions-we-never-ask Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Sun, 26 Apr 2026 00:32:52 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/the-sort-of-questions-we-never-ask#post-1361412 Tue, 23 Sep 2014 18:18:11 +0000 Janet 1361412@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Oh texstyle, I have a friend who does exactly what you describe, but not about weight -- about her relationship. This has literally been going on for years, decades even. When anyone offers advice, it falls on deaf ears -- she wants to talk about the issue, but she doesn't really want help. I try to simply listen with a sympathetic ear, and steer the conversation in another direction when it feels like it's gone on long enough. It is definitely challenging. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/the-sort-of-questions-we-never-ask#post-1361283 Tue, 23 Sep 2014 15:12:50 +0000 texstyle 1361283@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>So, off the original topic just slightly, I wonder what do you all do when an overweight or otherwise troubled friend keeps bringing the problem up <i>themselves</i>? Like "I just can't seem to lose the weight." or "You seem to be able to eat anything, you're just lucky." or "I exercise all the time." (but you know for a fact they do not). In other words, when someone keeps sort of asking for help or input, but then they don't really want to talk about it honestly, or you don't want to because you might say the "wrong" thing. How careful must we be in speaking to someone about issues they are bringing to the forefront when we know they will likely feel hurt almost no matter how careful we are to try and be considerate? And sometimes <i>they </i>bring it up in front of groups of people! In which case, I tend to change the subject.</p> <p>I find it challenging to say the least. I am pretty diplomatic and considerate but I'm not a counselor or professional. I kind of feel the stigma of not being able to speak the truth can ruin a friendship (and impact your self esteem) just as easily if you are on the other end of the discussion. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/the-sort-of-questions-we-never-ask#post-1360998 Tue, 23 Sep 2014 02:23:48 +0000 MsMary 1360998@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I don't think it's ever okay to offer unsolicited comments about anybody's body.&nbsp; Speaking as somebody who was fat for most of my life, I can guarantee your morbidly obese friend knows very well that she's fat, and she knows very well that her health is at risk, and she may well be saying what she's saying because she doesn't want to hear about from well-meaning friends.&nbsp; In my view it's between her and her doctor and the rest of us should zip our lips. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/the-sort-of-questions-we-never-ask#post-1360915 Tue, 23 Sep 2014 00:01:22 +0000 Thistle 1360915@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>So with you! Why people think it's appropriate is beyond me. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/the-sort-of-questions-we-never-ask#post-1360687 Mon, 22 Sep 2014 18:30:44 +0000 Firecracker (Sharan) 1360687@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Such good points, Irene. I cringe every time I see someone comment on here about someone being "skinny." I find "skinny" to have a negative connotation. It's like calling someone "fat," an insult, not a compliment. I am trying to learn how to be more sensitive to these concepts myself, having grown up in a household where there was a lot of judgment about people's weight. The kind of environment in which a parent would routinely comment on who should and shouldn't be in the line at Dairy Queen! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/the-sort-of-questions-we-never-ask#post-1360495 Mon, 22 Sep 2014 12:50:19 +0000 Janet 1360495@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Yeah, I think people need to zip it before commenting in those kinds of ways on anyone's body. A "you look great!" is nice, or even "wow, your arms are so toned" or something, but pointed remarks about a person's size are really just opportunities to offend. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/the-sort-of-questions-we-never-ask#post-1360436 Mon, 22 Sep 2014 10:06:10 +0000 Irene 1360436@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Janet, the comments would have been 'reverted', so read:</p> <p>How can you have such big feet when you are so small?<br />Is your mom as skinny as you are?<br />OR Irene is small but she eats a lot! (this one came from a guy who is super small himself and very kind so I know he didn't mean it in a bad way)</p> <p>My favourite was my manager's on my first day, while we were changing into our street clothes she goes:<br />You've got a lot of stretch marks (which I do have): were you fat before?</p> <p>I laughed so, so hard. I was like, 'Mary, you can't say this to people! lol'. She then explained how she used to be fat and therefore now had stretch marks herself, so she wasn't trying to be mean, but still... I was like, listen, you're lucky I actually don't care at all about my stretch marks because otherwise you'd be ruining my self-esteem, woman!</p> <p>But yes, I've gotten comments like that. And the one about my mom being skinny was from a former manager who just half an our earlier had pointed out that I had a tick on my eye. Honestly? I think she was just jealous that I was getting one of the guy's attention or something, I don't know. I should have answered back saying 'No, she's bigger. Is <i>your</i> mom as chunky as you are?', but I am too kind for that.</p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/the-sort-of-questions-we-never-ask#post-1360204 Sun, 21 Sep 2014 23:52:33 +0000 crutcher 1360204@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>This is a great lesson in learning to filter, filter, filter...Think three times before you comment...I can never imagine making such a harsh remark...You might just come back with something like..."Well, bless your little heart, you are so sweet to notice..." &nbsp;And the southerners among us will smile...I truly believe in deflecting the remark with the unexpected... </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/the-sort-of-questions-we-never-ask#post-1360169 Sun, 21 Sep 2014 22:23:39 +0000 ironkurtin 1360169@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I'll take compliments any day if they're genuine. Insults and commentary not so much. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/the-sort-of-questions-we-never-ask#post-1360002 Sun, 21 Sep 2014 17:01:40 +0000 Isabel 1360002@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Clara !!! &nbsp;How brilliant ! &nbsp;OMG, now I want the comment to come up again so that I can use that like. &nbsp; Ohhhhhh......</p> <p>Tracey your situation is a little different. You are concerned about health and doing it privately. &nbsp;That is a world of difference. IMO &nbsp;It is like gossip. Talking to someone because you are concerned about someone else and want to set up a support system is one thing, talking about it because you are trying to highlight character inferiority is just mean. &nbsp; ( Regarding my feet, I wasn't about to cut off my toes ....hahahahaha )</p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/the-sort-of-questions-we-never-ask#post-1359915 Sun, 21 Sep 2014 13:42:09 +0000 Janet 1359915@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>These are actual comments? By adults? How can people be so insensitive? </p> <p>I like claracluck's response to Isabel's story. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/the-sort-of-questions-we-never-ask#post-1359902 Sun, 21 Sep 2014 13:13:37 +0000 Jules 1359902@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Soooo true. Stupid things people have said to me still affect me, and I know I've made many a dumb comment myself. I think I've kicked the habit now. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/the-sort-of-questions-we-never-ask#post-1359895 Sun, 21 Sep 2014 13:02:05 +0000 TraceyLiz65 1359895@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>The first time I met my mother in law was when I was 6 months pregnant and she said "You don't look like your too big, what size are you when you are not pregnant?" &nbsp; <br />I was horrified. &nbsp; Of course now I see she is obsessed with the idea of being at all overweight and very judgmental...&nbsp;</p> <p>I do however tell my brothers that I am concerned that one is diabetic and overweight and the other diets every year loses it and gains it back again... I tell them I love them and want them around for as long as possible... They've hugged me and told me they know. &nbsp;so hope that it was ok...</p> <p>I was also in the position with a dear friend who is morbidly obese and speaking in denial that she is healthy and has nothing to worry about since her grandmother lived so long... I quietly pointed out that her grandmother wasn't at all overweight. &nbsp;I've know her for 20 years and her grandmother was never overweight..</p> <p>Is it really possible to just say nothing to those we love in these types of cases? &nbsp;I think there is a big difference between genuine concern and outright insensitive remarks...</p> <p> </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/the-sort-of-questions-we-never-ask#post-1359868 Sun, 21 Sep 2014 07:07:33 +0000 claracluck 1359868@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>isabel how awful but you should have replied with" my god your mouth is so big i can,t believe that i never noticed before!" well thats just me.but irene your right . </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/the-sort-of-questions-we-never-ask#post-1359751 Sun, 21 Sep 2014 00:11:03 +0000 Isabel 1359751@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>LOL..."stupid rant"...it sounds to me as if you have insights like lightning bolts. &nbsp;</p> <p>Absolutely true. &nbsp;I think that it doesn't even matter if people are close to you or not. &nbsp;The most hurtful thing that anyone has ever said to me &nbsp;( and I cannot explain why because it is silly ), was when a friend of mine yelled out during a dinner party with some&nbsp;&nbsp;people I had never met before, " My God, your feet are ENORMOUS. &nbsp;I can't believe that I have never noticed before. They are so out of place with your body." &nbsp;I turned red, the other people turned red, there was a really akward silence. And she hadn't been drinking.&nbsp;</p> <p>The size of my feet don't bother me, but I found her comment really inappropriate and audacious. &nbsp;&nbsp;</p> <p>: &nbsp;( &nbsp;&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/the-sort-of-questions-we-never-ask#post-1359737 Sat, 20 Sep 2014 23:46:43 +0000 Mochi 1359737@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>A-MEN. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/the-sort-of-questions-we-never-ask#post-1359714 Sat, 20 Sep 2014 22:27:16 +0000 Irene 1359714@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>How can you have such tiny feet when you are so big?<br />You've got so many stretch marks; were you slim before?<br />How can you be so fat when you eat so little?<br />You really have gained a lot of weight recently. You should eat a lot less.<br />Is your mom as fat as you are?</p> <p>Believe it or not, I have been told all of these things by people who I didn't have a close relationship with. I just happen to be on the slimmer side of the spectrum. Somehow that makes it <i>sound</i> ok.&nbsp;</p> <p>But it isn't.</p> <p>God, even I make comments on other people's <i>thin</i> bodies. As if that were any of my business.&nbsp;</p> <p>Everytime I do it I tell myself I shouldn't have, and definetly try not to do it again. I guess it's because being thin (skinny!) is considered a great thing people assume it is a compliment. It isn't. I know people who would love to be heavier, either because they prefer the heavier look or because they don't feel healthy/strong enough.&nbsp;</p> <p>So, yes, please let's all do ourselves a favor and stop commenting on other people's bodies unless prompted to do so.&nbsp;</p> <p>Stupid rant I came up with just about ten minutes ago. </p>