https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/style-etiquette-and-other-differences-in-relationships Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Sat, 25 Apr 2026 22:34:21 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/style-etiquette-and-other-differences-in-relationships/page/2#post-1377710 Fri, 17 Oct 2014 14:49:06 +0000 rachylou 1377710@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Ohmigosh, giant size gin-and-saltines from Costco! Woohoo! That is *like* the pinnacle of life.</p> <p>...Oh hey, wait-up, <b>Mo!</b> That is sooooooo true about Californians from birth: Ex b.f. and I had mini fights about water. So NOT OK to run the water.</p> <p> </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/style-etiquette-and-other-differences-in-relationships/page/2#post-1377518 Fri, 17 Oct 2014 04:02:39 +0000 rabbit 1377518@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Lol the Costco trip might not have crossed him off my list but the ice-chest soliloquy probably would have. &nbsp;</p> <p>Like<b> MsMary</b> says, the right guy to my mind&nbsp;is someone who makes toilet paper shopping, waiting in line at the DMV, visiting the dump,&nbsp;all the boring and onerous day to day tasks a lot more fun than doing them on your own, just by being there and being himself. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/style-etiquette-and-other-differences-in-relationships/page/2#post-1377503 Fri, 17 Oct 2014 03:37:02 +0000 MsMary 1377503@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I think that's really the key.&nbsp; There's a very nice man with whom I've gone out a few times, and we always do these super fun things (Hollywood Bowl, dinner with very fun mutual friends, etc) but at the end of the day he's a tiny bit boring and there's definitely no spark there.&nbsp; I think "makes even a trip to Costco fun and exciting" may have to go on my "must have" list! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/style-etiquette-and-other-differences-in-relationships/page/2#post-1377411 Fri, 17 Oct 2014 02:16:37 +0000 Cary 1377411@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>It's not Costco's fault. I do love Costco. But... toilet paper on a second date. I don't know. I guess the reality was that he was just boring, period. I did get the monster pack of Trident gum on that trip, so not a total loss.</p> <p>I could have gone on a Costco date with my husband (before we were married) and had a blast! Going to the dump is fun with him. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/style-etiquette-and-other-differences-in-relationships/page/2#post-1377310 Thu, 16 Oct 2014 23:01:44 +0000 MsMary 1377310@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Me, too!&nbsp; I love a good Costco date.&nbsp; Where else to stock up on the giant size packages of gin and saltines? </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/style-etiquette-and-other-differences-in-relationships/page/2#post-1377098 Thu, 16 Oct 2014 17:38:53 +0000 rachylou 1377098@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Cary - that is so funny. Funny to me because I LOVE that sort of thing for a date. It all comes out at Costco... </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/style-etiquette-and-other-differences-in-relationships/page/2#post-1376837 Thu, 16 Oct 2014 06:53:14 +0000 Neel 1376837@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>The only thing that is a deal *maker* for me is .... Being a kind hearted human being. No matter what or who he is dealing with.</p> <p>I can overlook the rest :). I am a very difficult person myself! BTW, I have only ever known and dated my DH. So my knowledge is kind of limited! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/style-etiquette-and-other-differences-in-relationships/page/2#post-1376810 Thu, 16 Oct 2014 04:40:57 +0000 Cary 1376810@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>When I was dating the biggest deal breaker was men who were BO-RING. One guy took me on a DATE to COSTCO where he shopped in earnest for his groceries, and then to Sportsman's Warehouse where he carried on a soliloquy on the merits of various ice chests, ultimately leaving empty-handed, paralyzed by indecision. Um, buh-bye. </p> <p>DH is endlessly entertaining and always gracious, so I don't really care what shoes he wears. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/style-etiquette-and-other-differences-in-relationships#post-1375842 Tue, 14 Oct 2014 22:40:19 +0000 Niki Lea 1375842@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>When DH and I met I was a smoker (had only just started again after a few years), but he told me that if I wanted to be his girlfriend I had to quit. So I did.</p> <p>Like Mo, we also have differing political views. They're not extremely different, but enough that some conversations can get a bit heated. We were raised in very different communities, mine urban/progressive and his rural/conservative. So we tend to see some issues through those lenses. Some of his more intense views have softened and changed&nbsp;though, which I appreciate.&nbsp;</p> <p>On that note, there are certain beliefs and values that I would absolutely not tolerate in any way. They would be instant deal breakers for me.</p> <p>Most of the other stuff we've worked through. He once wore a pair of pants with a hole in the crotch to work. I was HORRIFIED and&nbsp;nearly lost my mind! He never did it again. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/style-etiquette-and-other-differences-in-relationships#post-1375741 Tue, 14 Oct 2014 20:01:46 +0000 rachylou 1375741@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I only date the button-down type or the engineers equivalent (tucked long sleeve polo, fuzzy fleece windbreaker). Not starched and ironed, yet neat. Everything else just wounds my soul. </p> <p>I definitely do NOT do the stoner look: floppy hair, stained tee shirt.</p> <p>I seriously don't understand anyone who looks at a guy whose pants are on the ground and says *yep, there goes the father of my children...* </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/style-etiquette-and-other-differences-in-relationships#post-1375555 Tue, 14 Oct 2014 14:00:32 +0000 Irene 1375555@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I had a long list of deal-breakers and still found myself in a sort-of-relationship with someone who met many of them. For instance, he was a smoker. He hadn't been to Uni. He wasn't a reader. And more. And you know what, it didn't work in the end, but it wasn't because of any of those things. I just discovered other major deal-breakers I had never considered before. And <i>those</i> matter. My petty deal-breakers from the past? I guess I can say I could get past those (though I must say I would rather not). </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/style-etiquette-and-other-differences-in-relationships#post-1375368 Tue, 14 Oct 2014 02:18:26 +0000 Isabel 1375368@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Reading the other ladies' lists, I have to agree with the family thing. &nbsp;If someone wasn't good to my family or didn't accept my sister ( who is mentally disabled and a lot of work ), it would be a deal breaker. &nbsp;Cheating and lack of respect for me would also be a deal breaker.&nbsp;</p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/style-etiquette-and-other-differences-in-relationships#post-1375346 Tue, 14 Oct 2014 01:45:27 +0000 Echo 1375346@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Hm, fashion never really played a part in my decisions. DH is no fashion plate, but boy, does he clean up well!</p> <p>As for actual deal-breakers, I had to think about this, as it has been a long time since I've considered them (having been married a long while). They would include:</p> <p>* Abuse<br />* Addiction (interestingly, cigarettes don't bother me so much as long as a person doesn't smoke indoors or in my space)<br />* Cheating (goes without saying, I guess)<br />* Shouting<br />* Political activism in opposition to my own (differing views can happen between reasonable people, but <i>actively working toward</i> things I don't believe in would be a deal-breaker)<br />* Intolerances significantly different from my own (c'mon, we ALL have them, even if we don't like to admit them)<br />* Religion overall, most especially devout anything; religious judgement on me or others; religious "education"/indoctrination for children<br />* Intelligence and/or educational mis-match (it isn't that I think I am a genius or anything, but I prefer someone on my intellectual level)<br />* Lack of personal hygiene (significantly different from not dressing well)<br />* Pets in the home (I am terribly allergic)<br />* Significantly different goals and desires in life<br />* Differing views on having children and how to raise them</p> <p>Whew, that's quite a list, and I am sure there are things I have forgotten. Overall, I think it is crucial to discuss the big issues with someone before marriage is ever considered. If one cannot discuss sensitive issues with a person, how on earth could you live with them? DH and I discussed politics, religion, desire for children, how to raise said children if we were lucky enough to have them, goals for the future, money, vacation expectations, etc. before we were married in the hopes of reducing surprises in the future.</p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/style-etiquette-and-other-differences-in-relationships#post-1375332 Tue, 14 Oct 2014 01:20:48 +0000 MsMary 1375332@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Coming back to say I thought of a HUGE dealbreaker for me:&nbsp; If you ever give me the silent treatment, even once, we are done.&nbsp; Done, done, done.&nbsp; Stick a fork in me, done-zo.&nbsp; I lived with that for 15 years and never, never again... </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/style-etiquette-and-other-differences-in-relationships#post-1375275 Mon, 13 Oct 2014 22:40:09 +0000 Elly 1375275@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Oh Angie-- you made me smile. I've never found a man I can't sucker into loving my dog (esp. since he is more hypoallergenic than most). </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/style-etiquette-and-other-differences-in-relationships#post-1375265 Mon, 13 Oct 2014 22:26:35 +0000 catgirl 1375265@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Well, it's been so long for me that I've forgotten the list of deal-breakers.</p> <p>Those would be:</p> <p>-  smoking<br />  - not appreciating my family<br /> - being mean to children<br /> - not loving and wanting pets (although I let my poor DH draw the line at a snake, we do have a lizard as well as a cat and dog)<br /> - espousing racism, sexism, and a bunch of other -isms<br /> - unwillingness to talk it out<br /> - lack of loyalty<br /> - lack of compassion </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/style-etiquette-and-other-differences-in-relationships#post-1375249 Mon, 13 Oct 2014 21:59:09 +0000 Angie 1375249@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p><i>FASCINATING.</i>&nbsp;&nbsp;</p> <p>I can think of <b>many</b> deal breakers actually. Lists of them.&nbsp;I am clearly a lot less tolerant than you lovely ladies.&nbsp;Top of the list though, is not loving dogs. I CANNOT be with anyone who does not love dogs - and animals in general for that matter -&nbsp;as much as I do. No one loves doggies more than Greg does. (High five, Janet).&nbsp;xo </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/style-etiquette-and-other-differences-in-relationships#post-1375246 Mon, 13 Oct 2014 21:47:56 +0000 Rambling Ann 1375246@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I'm still surprised DH hasn't dumped me for my lack of style.</p> <p>Mo, may I gently suggest two bars of soap?</p> <p> </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/style-etiquette-and-other-differences-in-relationships#post-1375238 Mon, 13 Oct 2014 21:37:31 +0000 Janet 1375238@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Oh, I thought of another deal breaker. If he doesn't like animals -- cats and dogs -- it's not meant to be. Fortunately hubs loved dogs and still does. And he has learned to love (certain) cats! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/style-etiquette-and-other-differences-in-relationships#post-1375228 Mon, 13 Oct 2014 20:53:04 +0000 shedev 1375228@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Not liking one's style isn't a dealbreaker, I think Hedev has the same right to choose what he wears as I do. He will change to match my level of dressiness when we are going somewhere. He doesn't love all my fashion choices either. I get teased every time I wear the pajama sweats. Hygiene would be a deal breaker. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/style-etiquette-and-other-differences-in-relationships#post-1375175 Mon, 13 Oct 2014 19:43:35 +0000 Elly 1375175@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I had a very bad partner (for me anyway) prior to the SO. I don't claim that he was a bad person, but he was a very thoughtless young man who had lived a life where he got used to manipulating people, didn't have very good money handling or household skills, and was very needy. </p> <p>My dealbreakers are: <ol> <li>The adult child-- the man who wants me to do his housework for him, bail him out of situations, manage his money or provide for him so he can play</li> <li>Poor Sanitation-- the man who doesn't wash his hands after going to the bathroom or touching raw food or trash, the man who lets trash pile up, the man that leaves dishes in the sink to the point that I can't fill a glass of water, the man who leaves food in the refrigerator to morph, or who never washes his clothes, sheets, or cleans the bathroom, or lets pests live in his home-- can't cover his cough, etc. (for me this is a health issue&nbsp; that is very serious because of my pre-existing condition and the ultimate sign of disrespect) this is totally different from the guy who likes a little clutter and doesn't like to dust</li> <li>the mean guy</li> <li>the manipulator</li> <li>the liar/unmotivated guy-- the one who says he is going to do stuff and never does -- his favorite words are "I'm trying" but nothing ever changes -- usually coupled with manipulative tendencies or some sort of addiction issues</li> <li>communication issues that can't be resolved</li> </ol> That said, I think most of the above can be worked on if mutually agreed upon by the partner. At this point in my life I don't mind teaching a guy to be a better cook if he is interested, work on budgeting before we combine incomes, reminding him about the leftovers, being patient with someone who is trying to quit using tobacco (if that is what they want and the tobacco use isn't impacting me), or is working to be more open about telling me&nbsp; what is going on and considering my feelings, or changing how I communicate. That said, I would have a real hard time dealing with anyone that is in their late 20s who is completely unable to care for themselves like an adult, is un-housetrained, or is disrepectful and hurtful. Doesn't make them a less worthwhile person, but does mean that they aren't a good match for me! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/style-etiquette-and-other-differences-in-relationships#post-1375082 Mon, 13 Oct 2014 16:41:31 +0000 lyn* 1375082@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I love MaryK's list!!!</p> <p>For me, the major etiquette thing is being somewhat respectful even when other people aren't there - if you're badmouthing everyone, you're probably badmothing me to someone ;)</p> <p>For me, the style thing is simple. Floss. Please floss your teeth. I do not understand why people do not floss. FLOSS.</p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/style-etiquette-and-other-differences-in-relationships#post-1375051 Mon, 13 Oct 2014 16:01:52 +0000 Isabel 1375051@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>The sand thing would have upset me: not because of the sand but rather because of no interest to clean it up. To me, that says something about character. Style to me doesn't matter. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/style-etiquette-and-other-differences-in-relationships#post-1375029 Mon, 13 Oct 2014 15:27:50 +0000 Janet 1375029@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I'm laughing in sympathy with Mo and Una here -- Una, I've hidden my husband's Red Sox cap (from when he played in their fantasy camp). He's too much of a confirmed Orioles fan at this point to wear it around here anyway. And OMG, the running water and the reluctance to recycle! (He's from Texas and I'm from that liberal part of the east coast where we do things like recycle...) It's gotten better, but these are little things. </p> <p>In the past, I did date guys who had opposing political beliefs from my own...to a point. There are some positions on which I simply will not concede, namely those having to do with a woman's rights, and I could not get involved with any man who held a different view, for obvious reasons. </p> <p>I dated smokers, men with different music taste (sometimes harder than you think, for someone in the music industry), with very different hobbies and interests than my own, etc. Usually, it turned out that the further apart our tastes and preferences were, the more incompatible in general we were. I can't live with someone who is messy. I would have had a hard time going out with someone who couldn't put himself together in an occasion-appropriate way for a date or an event. But deal-breaking things were more behavior-related: rudeness, intolerance, lack of a sense of humor. </p> <p>When my husband and I were first dating, he had an awful habit of being late. For everything. I sat waiting in a bookstore for an hour for him one time, and when he got there, we had a serious sit-down about the matter. He made a big effort after that. He still tends to get distracted and lose track of time, but we have come a long way since then, and he's much better about it. If he had ignored my concerns and shrugged and said, "deal with it," it would have been over. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/style-etiquette-and-other-differences-in-relationships#post-1374982 Mon, 13 Oct 2014 14:42:00 +0000 MsMary 1374982@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>As I posted on the "feet" thread, I subscribe to <a href="http://www.brainpickings.org/2014/08/28/the-price-of-admission-dan-savage/" rel="nofollow">Dan Savage's theory</a> that there are two kinds of undesirable characteristics -- the small ones that drive you crazy but that you put up with because they are the "price of admission" to the relationship, and the big ones that are the dealbreakers.&nbsp; And I might add there is no such thing as number three: the things that drive you crazy but that you can get the person to change if you just nag about it enough!&nbsp; LOL</p> <p>For me, my dealbreakers are unkindness/lack of empathy, and a general passivity/lack of emotional and physical energy.&nbsp; Smoking is probably a dealbreaker, too, although so few people smoke around here that it hasn't been an issue.&nbsp; And I have a strong preference for someone with similar political views, although it's not an automatic dealbreaker.</p> <p>And honestly, by one's mid-50s one should know how to dress oneself.&nbsp; I wouldn't expect that to be an issue but if someone were very badly dressed that would give me pause.&nbsp; </p> <p>It's easier to give my "must have" list:</p> <p>1.&nbsp; Kind and empathetic<br />2.&nbsp; Financially appropriate (by your mid-50s or older you should be financially secure and not expecting me to support you)<br />3.&nbsp; High energy, physically and mentally (I'm not going to be the one who has to make everything happen)</p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/style-etiquette-and-other-differences-in-relationships#post-1374924 Mon, 13 Oct 2014 12:35:24 +0000 trix 1374924@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Interesting question! Yes, from what you said, it was apparent that the real underlying issue with your ex was the lack of consideration etc., not his style choices per se.</p> <p>I used to think that different political views would be a dealbreaker, until I met my current BF. I'm realizing instead that apparently for me, matters of personality (e.g., being caring, calm, considerate, etc. -- other things that constitute being a "good"/"nice" person for me) are much more crucial. Style/etiquette would not be as important unless I thought they indicated something that signaled "not a nice person" to me. Of course, there's a difference between "oblivious" and "not nice"; I do know some people who for various reasons wouldn't be attuned to details like sand on their shoes, but if the mess it made were pointed out to them, they would be apologetic and would do something about it (unless it were pointed out in a way that made them feel defensive). </p> <p><b>rabbit</b>, I love your response. I'm putting them on my list of "things I need to pay attention to in relationships." So much wisdom here! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/style-etiquette-and-other-differences-in-relationships#post-1374919 Mon, 13 Oct 2014 12:26:30 +0000 cheryle (Dianthus) 1374919@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I had one at least a decade ago. &nbsp;We met and hit it off but he was in constant touch to the point of it feeling like he was needy. &nbsp;It was to the point that he would e-mail to remind me that I was going to call him. &nbsp;</p> <p>From an etiquette perspective, I find people who are rude to those in the service industry to be very off-putting. &nbsp;You can deal with a situation without resorting to being nasty or condescending. &nbsp;I don't like snobbery.</p> <p>I don't think I would let style or fashion impact my judgement. &nbsp;Tony is color deficient so some of his tie/shirt combos or even shirt/pant choices are a bit strange but that is him and he is easy to love even if he thinks lavender is blue and olive is grey. &nbsp;LOL </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/style-etiquette-and-other-differences-in-relationships#post-1374907 Mon, 13 Oct 2014 11:50:47 +0000 Traci 1374907@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I racked my brain for anything style wise that would be a deal breaker. &nbsp;Ironically, mine would be someone who can't accept my style choices, or criticizes my looks constantly or says things like "What are you wearing?"</p> <p>The closest to critical my dh ever comes would be to ask if I thought my outfit was weather appropriate. &nbsp;Now, this does mean he's not a source of fashion advice, but I'll take the trade off. &nbsp;After all, that's what I have y'all for!</p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/style-etiquette-and-other-differences-in-relationships#post-1374890 Mon, 13 Oct 2014 10:57:24 +0000 crutcher 1374890@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Just now I am an unclaimed blessing...but if I were considering what would be a deal breaker, it would be someone who would make remarks about how much I love my Toby, spoil him, etc...Not loving animals would be out the door Charley and don't bother to look back... </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/style-etiquette-and-other-differences-in-relationships#post-1374861 Mon, 13 Oct 2014 09:09:51 +0000 Anonymous 1374861@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>For me, I would never, ever, date a smoker.. end of.&nbsp;I probably also&nbsp;wouldn't have even gone on a first date with someone if they were pretty scruffy as I don't do scruffy either. Luckily DH is not scruffy, doesn't smoke and we have very similar values&nbsp; </p>