YouLookFab Forum » Topic: Stuck on sad

YouLookFab Forum » Topic: Stuck on sad https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/stuck-on-sad Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Tue, 28 Apr 2026 23:53:29 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 <![CDATA[Search]]> q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php harmonica on "Stuck on sad" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/stuck-on-sad#post-999675 Tue, 06 Aug 2013 11:23:08 +0000 harmonica 999675@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ *hugs* <3 Gaylene on "Stuck on sad" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/stuck-on-sad#post-997647 Sat, 03 Aug 2013 03:44:26 +0000 Gaylene 997647@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Mani, to say you are probably a little overloaded with stressors is a huge understatement, if I ever heard one! Being a new mother is seriously the hardest thing that most of us will ever do in our lives. I remember days when I would get tears in my eyes when I saw all the dust bunnies living under our furniture--I couldn't figure out how I'd ever have the energy to clean a house and look after a baby. Even washing my face seemed a monumental task in those first few months. The stress of caring for an infant, along with looking for an apartment, worrying about job security, coping with a flooded house, and feeling cut off from family and friends would have turned me into a sobbing wreak. I think Beth Ann is right that you need to get out for a few minutes every day just to feel like a normal human being. Looking after a baby is important, but so is having just a bit of yourself back so you don't feel totally submerged into your role as someone's mother. Can you find even 10 or 15 minutes in your day to do something that reminds you of who you were before your son was born? Do you have a friend that you talk about something other than baby stuff? This period in your life will not last forever. As your son grows older, you'll find a rhythm that will let you meet his needs while still giving you a bit of time and space to be your own person. You are his mother, but you are also Mani. ManidipaM on "Stuck on sad" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/stuck-on-sad#post-997135 Fri, 02 Aug 2013 14:09:05 +0000 ManidipaM 997135@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Ok, I took my time to think a bit before coming back :-) First of all, special thanks to Adelfa, Natalie, Claire and Isabel for sharing your own personal trials. Definitely terrifying but also very therapeutic for me --- I can't imagine what it cost you to relive it just to let me know I wasn't alone or crazy; but thank you. Rae, I think you get exactly what I am feeling, even without being a mom, and not just because of Rosie. Your own dealings with survivor's guilt and fear have surely been far worse than mine. Thank you ... and you're a brave, strong woman to be able to find it in you to even engage with this thread, considering. Ceit, Shannon and Gaylene, an extra-special thank-you for mothering me You made me pause in my tracks and think hard. I did not know PPD could arrive so late and had relaxed my vigil (having dealt with depression before I knew my risks were bigger and had been keeping a weather eye out...until last month or so). You made me introspect, though---and I realised part of the reason it has hit so hard is that I was pretty stressed to start with although I haven't given myself permission to acknowledge it. There has been a lot happening of late that I have not mentioned because it seemed irrelevant---but the landlord needs his apartment back in a month or two so we need to go house hunting and then move; my spouse and I work for the same employers, who let 150 employees go last fortnight and counting, so there's a Damocles' sword; we went home in early June to find our home pretty destroyed by seepage and damp to the point of being unlivable, and repairs will take many months and be hideously expensive, compounded by not living in the same city and having a baby we can't risk taking in there if we go there to sort out; not hving time to meet friends at all but staying home with baby alone through the day (we live away in the burbs and my friends are either not parents or have left early motherhood far behind and don't seem to understand that even ph calls are hard to fit in with a baby still eating every hour or two, never mind evening meet-ups)... All of which to say I'm probably a little overloaded with stressors and though I think I have compartmentalised, am likely not aceing it! ETA: Beth Ann, that was very wise counsel. I realised I have lost most of my hobbies and other outlets temporarily. I'm trying to get out with the baby most days now, even if for just 10 minutes at a time. You guys, thank you all so much for the hugs and hand holding and wisdom. I can't begin to express how much it means to me to have YLF and how lucky I am to know you. Isabel on "Stuck on sad" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/stuck-on-sad#post-994809 Wed, 31 Jul 2013 02:01:28 +0000 Isabel 994809@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I am just so sorry to hear this. That is a lot of grief. Understandably.  It is your loss too in so many ways.  One being the realization that you cannot protect your baby completely. You don't need to lean on the family, but you should lean on someone. I went through something similar 8 months ago when my friend's husband died of cancer. I wasn't even able to call her for months.  I was so grief stricken and guilty over the fact that we had both been diagnosed around the same time...and he wasn't supposed to die. I understand you. Please talk to someone.  It IS your grief too and you have a right to it. It is a horrible thing.  Kari on "Stuck on sad" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/stuck-on-sad#post-994703 Wed, 31 Jul 2013 00:39:54 +0000 Kari 994703@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I can't even imagine the hurt. I'm so very sorry for your friend's and your loss. Anonymous on "Stuck on sad" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/stuck-on-sad#post-994524 Tue, 30 Jul 2013 22:13:18 +0000 Anonymous 994524@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ So much wisdom and advice here just adding another hug. abc on "Stuck on sad" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/stuck-on-sad#post-994519 Tue, 30 Jul 2013 22:05:24 +0000 abc 994519@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Big hugs, so sorry for the loss. Suz on "Stuck on sad" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/stuck-on-sad#post-994449 Tue, 30 Jul 2013 20:41:11 +0000 Suz 994449@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Oh, Moni. My heart breaks for your friend and for you. Such a terribly sad story, and no wonder you are feeling the weight of this loss. Hugs to you. Big, big hugs.  Irene on "Stuck on sad" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/stuck-on-sad#post-994213 Tue, 30 Jul 2013 18:19:17 +0000 Irene 994213@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Grief is grief and no one is more entitled to it than others. So, you feel grief for someone else's loss. There is nothing to be ashamed of, and it actually shows your compassion. Maybe you are feeling like this (more than sorry) because it could have been the other way around. Like two people in the same car crash -one dies, the other one lives and wonders why they are alive. It is normal. The truth is life is full of unfairness and nonsense and sadly there is no one to blame (it would probably better if there was). It is ok to be sad for a while but be on the look for depression symptoms, like other members have already suggested. Just in case. This was a hard blow and it's normal that you feel like this though. And remember it was not your fault, nor your baby's. Anonymous on "Stuck on sad" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/stuck-on-sad#post-994170 Tue, 30 Jul 2013 17:20:57 +0000 Anonymous 994170@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Oh, I can kind of relate. A had a similar experience when my firstborn was a week old. Hubs and I had made friends with another couple in child birth classes. Our due dates were just a few days apart, and it was their first child too. Okay, we probably weren't as close to them as you are to your friend, but it really affected me still. We both carried our babies full term and I had just been home a few days from the hospital when she called. She asked me if I had had my baby and I gave her the brief details and then asked if she had delivered yet. My son was sleeping peacefully in his crib and I had dragged my corded phone into his room so I could fold the laundry and put his cloth diapers away. I'll never forget it. I was sitting on the floor with the stupid diapers and she told me how she noticed her baby wasn't moving one day. It was really close to her due date, and she figured it was just getting too tight in there to move around. Later that night, her water broke. It was green and smelled foul. They went right to the hospital where they found that there was no fetal heart beat. She and her husband were distraught when they were told it was too late and the baby was gone. She begged them to do a C-section, but they told here it would be so much better to have a normal (yeah, right) delivery so she wouldn't have to also recover from surgery. They induced her and she had to labor hard with no promise of holding a living baby afterward. A perfect stillborn baby boy was born and the autopsy showed that nothing was wrong. There was no reason that he should have died.  I sat there in a heap and cried my eyes out for her, blowing my nose into the only available thing, the diapers I was folding. My heart broke for her! It wasn't fair that I had my healthy, living boy and hers was gone. Why her and not me? We had had the same care and medical attention. Both of us did everything "right" during our pregnancies. We talked for a long time, and it deeply affected me. My hormones were all over the place as it was, and I had ferocious Mama Bear protective feelings for my little one that were almost overwhelming. For obvious reasons, we fell out of contact. I didn't want to continue the friendship if my baby boy would be a constant reminder of the one she lost. *Happy Note: Years later I ran into her at a rummage sale. She and her husband had gone on to have five (!) adorable little girls. They never had another boy, but they looked like their family was healthy and happy and healed. It made my heart glad to see her with her baby ducklings trailing behind.  As I was telling Bella on her thread, it is normal for us to experience there strong emotions, especially when the hormones are really fluctuating. It's okay to grieve for your baby 'niece'. If you need help, get some, but sometimes you just need a listening ear and some friends who understand, and we are here for you. Hug that sweet boy for me, but not too hard! <<<<HUGS>>>> MNsara on "Stuck on sad" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/stuck-on-sad#post-994139 Tue, 30 Jul 2013 16:55:08 +0000 MNsara 994139@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Your reaction sounds very logical - considering the close relation and closeness to your own life situation.  So, your grief is very justified.  (That sounds cold, but not meant to.)  But if you can't start to feel improvement, then take the wise counsel about PPD.  I am offering {{{hugs}}} to you and your little guy.  Give him an extra hug, kiss, and sniff of his head from me rae on "Stuck on sad" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/stuck-on-sad#post-994134 Tue, 30 Jul 2013 16:52:28 +0000 rae 994134@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I am so sorry to hear this. It has been a very rough year for many, many of us here. I have to admit I was scaring my furbabies when I heard about Rosie, too. Not the same thing as you, for sure, but I can see where you stand from where I am, if that makes sense. Sending you hugs and sending kind thoughts to your friend. missvee on "Stuck on sad" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/stuck-on-sad#post-994133 Tue, 30 Jul 2013 16:52:07 +0000 missvee 994133@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ You've had such good advice from the others. I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're struggling with this and I hope that you will find some peace of mind soon. Take care. rachylou on "Stuck on sad" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/stuck-on-sad#post-994101 Tue, 30 Jul 2013 16:32:27 +0000 rachylou 994101@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I think that it's very hard to mourn when you feel you don't have a right, it's not your loss, there are others more effected. But it is OK to mourn and even important to make the gesture. This is something I learned when my father passed away. A ton of complete strangers came to his funeral. The smallest things connect us in the most profound ways. A word here, a word there... I saw that they grieved and it dawned on me they belonged there and had the right. More than that, it was a necessity to make a proper, formal gesture. To offer it up and give it away, or it stays with you in not the best of ways. Gaylene on "Stuck on sad" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/stuck-on-sad#post-994042 Tue, 30 Jul 2013 15:29:35 +0000 Gaylene 994042@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I'm adding my voice to Ceit's and Shannon's. PPD is a very real problem that ought to be more widely recognized and, as Ceit mentioned, may not rear itself until a few months after you've had your child and is a medical condition that can get worse if you don't seek treatment. Feeling sad is totally normal but, if you can't stop crying and you feel that "heaviness" that Shannon talks about, talk to your doctor. And here's an extra hug just to help you right now. goldenpig on "Stuck on sad" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/stuck-on-sad#post-994026 Tue, 30 Jul 2013 15:19:52 +0000 goldenpig 994026@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I'm so sorry Moni for your friend's devastating loss. It's totally normal for it to affect you too. Once you become a parent, you can't hear of tragedies happening to other children without becoming affected, whether it's someone you know or it's in the news or even in a fictional story (the book I read recently described the protagonist finding the hand of a 4 month old baby caught in the WWII London bombings, and I couldn't stop picturing it and obsessing about it, because my baby is the same age). Sometimes I start browsing the internet for stillbirth stories or toddler accident stories (like babies left in hot cars or freak accidents like a kid getting trapped in a washing machine) and I really have to make myself stop obsessing. I think I'm trying to learn how to protect my kids, but really it's just useless anxiety and negative energy. I do know what you mean about the survivor guilt as I really struggle with this too. I feel like I am always dodging a bullet at the expense of others (as crazy as that sounds). When DD was born, DH's coworker also had a baby at the same hospital at the same time, but their baby died suddenly 1 week later due to an infection. I couldn't stop thinking of them (and still do). I was so afraid to bring DD out of the house in case she caught something, but I forced myself to go to a mom's club new parents meeting and meet some other new moms. And one of my best friends, who has a daughter in DD's grade and twins DS1's age, was pregnant with a boy due 5 months before me, but the baby was stillborn at 37 weeks from an infection. It was so hard and so sad, I was the one they asked to notify all the other school parents because we are their closest friends, and I set up a meal train for them, all while pregnant and hormonal and working and sick. That was a really hard time for me, but nothing like what they went through with their loss. When I had DS2 and was in the hospital and called to let them know, they just happened to be at the mortuary picking up the ashes of the baby. OMG I felt terrible. Every time I see them (we get together all the time) or DS2 hits a new milestone I think about and miss their baby and wish DS2 had a playmate too. I'm sure they feel the same when they see DS2. The only way I can deal with it is to think that their baby's spirit lives on in a small way in DS2, and hug and cherish my kids as much as I can every day. I think your reaction is totally normal and understandable, but second the advice to get checked for PPD in case that is playing a part in your emotions, because it is really common. I didn't have PPD but I do understand where you're coming from, which is why I wrote about my experiences, as hard as it is for me to share them. I really hope it helps and doesn't upset you further. Big hugs to you and your DS and your friend. Take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself. ManidipaM on "Stuck on sad" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/stuck-on-sad#post-994015 Tue, 30 Jul 2013 15:04:28 +0000 ManidipaM 994015@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Thanks for all your wise words. As usual YLF rises to the demands for help and hand holding. I don't have time for very detailed or even individual responses tonight, but will come back as soon as I may. In the meantime, I am so very touched by your compassion and understanding. You have also given me ideas for new strategies and some food for thought. I will mull it all over tonight. THANK YOU ALL! Transcona Shannon on "Stuck on sad" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/stuck-on-sad#post-993913 Tue, 30 Jul 2013 13:17:39 +0000 Transcona Shannon 993913@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I have to echo what Ceit has said - the loss of your friend's child is indeed an overwhelming horrific thing and of course you will feel that grief. But if you find you are having trouble coping, not sleeping well (when you get sleep) and can't seem to shake the "heaviness" of it all, please speak to your doctor about postpartum depression. It is a very real health issue that affects many women after giving birth - your hormones are so out of whack at that time. Take care of yourself and I'm sending a gigantic hug. Anonymous on "Stuck on sad" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/stuck-on-sad#post-993805 Tue, 30 Jul 2013 10:21:59 +0000 Anonymous 993805@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ So sorry for your loss. Moni, one thing to consider too is PPD. Mine didn't show up until my babies were older. I thought I was losing my mind when William was 4-8 months old, and it turned out to be postpartum depression. I thought that since I had been handling things ok that it wouldn't happen to me, but it wasn't true. It's ok to be sad and feel vulnerable now you have a little child. I certainly can't read or watch things that I would happily consume pre-kids. Your body is a roller coaster of hormones and demands and little sleep....please take gentle care of yourself. Ornella on "Stuck on sad" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/stuck-on-sad#post-993790 Tue, 30 Jul 2013 09:45:25 +0000 Ornella 993790@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Mandipa, I don't even know where to begin. Your friend experienced one of the worse things imaginable. The loss of a child is everyone's loss and you have every right to share that loss with them, as we share the loss with you. Don't hide your feelings from your little one. Let them out. There is nothing 'wrong' with tears, sorrow, anger over loss. It's human, it's YOU. He'll come across many things in life anyway, I think it's better he sees some of them from you, his mother, his safe and good and loving everything. Let him see the full cycle though, from tears to learning to live with the new reality.  It's hard to write anything sensible, this is such a difficult moment... I just wish that you and especially your friend can find piece. Hil on "Stuck on sad" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/stuck-on-sad#post-993789 Tue, 30 Jul 2013 09:40:22 +0000 Hil 993789@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I totally "get" what you are going through, having been there myself. You feel somehow guilty for being so grief-stricken for a loss that isn't strictly yours. Some losses hit home more than others. I love what Beth Ann said "A  compassionate heart is a beautiful thing, but it must be well tended!" - I am going to keep that in my head for future. Hugs to you and your baby and strength. Don't hide the grief. ramya on "Stuck on sad" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/stuck-on-sad#post-993754 Tue, 30 Jul 2013 05:11:23 +0000 ramya 993754@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I am not wise enough to say anything here. But I send you and baby m virtual hugs Adelfa on "Stuck on sad" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/stuck-on-sad#post-993741 Tue, 30 Jul 2013 04:50:06 +0000 Adelfa 993741@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Manidipa, that feeling of identity is terrifying. Recently (this month) I shared how a baby at church drowned. This affected me deeply, not only because of my connections to the family but because *that could have been my grandchild.* The mom of the baby went to school with my daughters. I don't have grandchildren yet, but with daughters in their late 20s, I might soon--and *that could have been my grandchild.*  As Echo said, everything becomes fragile. Your connection with your friend sounds very close. I don't see how you can not be feeling what you're feeling. My deepest sympathies for your friend and for you too. Give yourself a little time. See if you can talk to someone you trust about your concern that you're scaring your baby. If you are, it's time to problem solve. You might not be though. It's okay if he sees you cry. Beth Ann on "Stuck on sad" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/stuck-on-sad#post-993722 Tue, 30 Jul 2013 04:10:45 +0000 Beth Ann 993722@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Dear Mandipa: A compassionate heart is a beautiful thing, but it must be well tended!  I think your mourning is deepened by the changes in your being and your body on becoming a mother. I often find I do better letting myself find a time and place to lament.  In my case, I do this through music -- listening and singing.  Sometimes I read the Psalms of Lament.  I get King David, flawed though he was.  He knew how to let it all hang out.  He would wail and lash out, but he always ended his song with a look forward -- with hope. After I've let it go, I fill back up.  Again, I listen to music and sing, in major keys this time.  I might recite Psalm 23, or a favorite poem.  I move.  I ride my bike or walk in the most beautiful place I can access.  I look at the clouds in the sky, feel the breeze on my face, pray, view a beautiful tree or lovely town square.   Once my heart is calm, I seek out my friends --- people who can make me laugh and lend me their strength.  Now is the time for a night out! I think we all have ways of processing sadness, and I think they're intensely personal.  I just want to encourage you to care for that heart of yours --- to feel and then heal.  I do know it's hard to give the time and emotional effort with a  baby to feed every 3-4 hours! ironkurtin on "Stuck on sad" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/stuck-on-sad#post-993712 Tue, 30 Jul 2013 03:58:49 +0000 ironkurtin 993712@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ M, never underestimate the power of motherhood to foster compassion for others and protective terror in your own heart. I feel for your friend's terrible loss and I empathize with your own sorrow. Try to turn it outwards? All we can do is be kind to each other. Sveta on "Stuck on sad" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/stuck-on-sad#post-993702 Tue, 30 Jul 2013 03:49:47 +0000 Sveta 993702@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I am so sorry for your friend's loss, Manidipa. It is very understandable that it scared your and made you cling to your own son - It would do it to me too! Hugs for you and good wishes for your friends! elpgal on "Stuck on sad" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/stuck-on-sad#post-993701 Tue, 30 Jul 2013 03:49:36 +0000 elpgal 993701@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ What Echo said. I find watching TV particularly torturous after having a baby. Echo on "Stuck on sad" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/stuck-on-sad#post-993690 Tue, 30 Jul 2013 03:36:04 +0000 Echo 993690@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I am so sorry that your friend is going through this, and I am so sorry it is hitting you so hard. The loss of a child the same age as one of my children hits me especially hard, even when it is "only" on the news. A more personal loss is even harder to understand, and it makes us realize how fragile our lives and everything/everyone in them can be. I wish I could offer you comfort that would help, but I am not sure anyone can. I do send you hugs and wishes for peace and comfort. My heart goes out to you and to everyone who cared for this poor child.  Lyn D. on "Stuck on sad" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/stuck-on-sad#post-993689 Tue, 30 Jul 2013 03:35:43 +0000 Lyn D. 993689@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Today I think we are all reeling from the news of Angie's beloved Rosie, and then closer to home losses like yours can hit even harder I think! I am sure your little one will take only the extra hugs and attention from this- a positive thing- and give back to you the strength and comfort to feel better and move on yourself. ManidipaM on "Stuck on sad" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/stuck-on-sad#post-993677 Tue, 30 Jul 2013 03:15:40 +0000 ManidipaM 993677@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ There have been so many sorrows in the YLF family of late that I hesitated for several days over bringing this here. Especially as it is SO off-topic and doesn't even count as *my* sorrow. But then I figured if I wanted to reach out for a wise word or just an ear, this is my best bet really. And if that makes me sound a sad, lonely soul, it also speaks to the collective wisdom and warmth of this not-just-virtual community. Thing is, a close friend (now living in the US) just lost her little girl. Last Tuesday. She was exactly a month younger than my little one. Born a day after my own birthday. My sweet 'niece' who survived a premature birth and 2 surgeries...and is suddenly gone for no discernible reason. And I am the lucky one. I can't share this family's heartbreaking night of loss because I feel it isn't mine to share... but there but for the grace of God/gods/godesses/fate go I... I just can't seem to stop feeling sad and guilty to the point where I can't even hide it from my baby. I know the grief is natural and this is survivor's guilt. Tearing up, sobbing, clinging to my baby...understandable. But I'm scaring my poor boy and just can't seem to get a grip.