YouLookFab Forum » Topic: Social isolation, wedding sadness

YouLookFab Forum » Topic: Social isolation, wedding sadness https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/social-isolation-wedding-sadness Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Sun, 26 Apr 2026 08:22:36 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 <![CDATA[Search]]> q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php Summer on "Social isolation, wedding sadness" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/social-isolation-wedding-sadness/page/2#post-1515295 Sun, 05 Jul 2015 12:21:02 +0000 Summer 1515295@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Kari, I think you are just feeling overwhelmed at the moment.  Planning a wedding is always stressful to some extent, and you have recently lost pets, also.  No wonder you are at a low ebb.  I hope the process of writing all this down in black and white, plus the excellent advice you have received from the others has helped to clarify your thoughts a little. It may help to concentrate just on the wedding for now, and leave the issue of friendships for a while.  Sit down with your SO and really sort out the expectations and wishes of each of you - maybe write it all down as you have here.  There are bound to be compromises to be made on both sides, but, hopefully, you can come up with a solution that is agreeable for both of  you.  Remember, too, that this is only one day - admittedly a special one, but it is your relationship as a whole that really matters. I'll leave the subject of friendships as you've had great suggestions from others, but I'm sure that this is just a temporary, life-stage issue that will resolve itself in time.  Best wishes to you.      unfrumped on "Social isolation, wedding sadness" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/social-isolation-wedding-sadness/page/2#post-1515120 Sat, 04 Jul 2015 21:21:45 +0000 unfrumped 1515120@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ No , not desperate- it's strategic and necessary in today's world of busy- ness. Try some things and be okay if not all work out. You may not strike paydirt right away. And j agree that not all friendships are deep and perfect or love at first sight. Work with s range of relationships and Some will blossom I think about this too because it's posdible I might move fog job of retirement at some point and I'm a bit of an introvert and closet home- body. So I could be isolated really easily. The main thing is, you are not alone in feeling alone. Take heart. Archer on "Social isolation, wedding sadness" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/social-isolation-wedding-sadness/page/2#post-1514475 Fri, 03 Jul 2015 06:36:28 +0000 Archer 1514475@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ What does your partner think of how you are feeling?  Adelfa on "Social isolation, wedding sadness" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/social-isolation-wedding-sadness/page/2#post-1513981 Thu, 02 Jul 2015 06:06:45 +0000 Adelfa 1513981@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Hi Kari, I am introverted and serious and have moved several times, so I definitely know what you're talking about! I want to share something that's happened to me lately. The point is not that I've received some big insight, let alone that you should act on it. Just that it made me think about how friendships are developed. Eighteen months ago I moved 350 miles to Los Angeles. I formed good work friends quite soon (totally agreeing with Gaylene that they're not the same as personal friends) and was very happy hanging out from time to time with my daughter and her husband and singing in the church choir. I didn't make any friends in the huge apartment complex where I lived. But now in my apartment I have growing friendships with three women in my complex. Why? Because they are totally talkative and outgoing and act like they want to talk to me when they happen to see me. They suggest going on walks. They are borderline pushy. Meanwhile I listen to them talk--I may have some skills in this area because I'm a therapist. I'm thinking that if I want to make friends, I need to be more like them! And part of why they talk so much may be because I'm not saying much. It is generally hard for me to feel motivated to put a lot of energy into a relationship unless I feel really enthusiastic about a person. I agree with the commenters above that this is probably a mistake. We have to be willing to put time into relationships that seem mediocre at first. At least that's what I'm thinking. Also, just a thought--I have three very close friends that I've known for between 33 and 45 years, and they were all childless when I was raising my two. Some years I may have only seen these friends once or twice. But eventually I got out of the little kid stage and my friends were still there, which I'm very glad of! I agree that you are courageous and wise for talking about this and I wish you the very best while you work this out! Beth Ann on "Social isolation, wedding sadness" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/social-isolation-wedding-sadness/page/2#post-1513902 Thu, 02 Jul 2015 02:07:04 +0000 Beth Ann 1513902@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Such a wonderful, important thread, and so much thoughtful feedback to a thoughtful post!  Having just moved a few weeks ago, I am starting over with work, neighborhood, and friendships.  My kids are both 13 --- so I have even more concern about their connection than I do my own. The last time I moved (18 years ago), we were relocating for DH's pastoral position.  It's the best time to be in ministry -- everyone in the church wants to be (and generally is) helpful.  They provided the moving, cleaning and painting crew, giving sacrificially of their time.  They "pounded" me (giving a pound of butter, canned goods, etc, to restock the pantry), and invited me to functions (and sometimes lobbied me to support their causes within the church, lol).  The loneliness would come later -- when I struggled with infertility in a church swarmed with babies!  This time, I know I will have to do most of the heavy lifting to establish good relationships.  I resonate with Gaylene's comment that it is necessary to bring something to the table -- I am looking to be useful, along with friendly, if I can.  I can already tell I have a long road ahead of me! For me, friendship is a spiritual thing, not that all my friends are "churchy."  Rather, I pray about and for relationships, following the tenet of "blessed to be a blessing," and believing that relationships are meant for comfort, enjoyment, and growth.  This time, I will, as Joy suggested, look for friendships in a group that's meeting for a common interest or purpose --- a book club, a cycling group, a musical group or a Bible study.  I've toyed with the idea of participating in a Goruck activity (<a href="http://www.goruck.com/rucking/c/62" rel="nofollow">http://www.goruck.com/rucking/c/62</a>) or trying Orienteering <a href="http://www.us.orienteering.org/" rel="nofollow">http://www.us.orienteering.org/</a>.  It will be different than before, since I have children that require lots of time and energy, but are growing in independence.  Lots of changes are ahead!  You can see from your thread responses that isolation is quite the cultural problem -- few are immune.  Wouldn't it be lovely if we all tried to develop a new relationship or two every year?  You know, put "relationship development and maintenance" on the calendar, just like we go to the dentist, or change the oil in the car? Lastly, your wedding will be lovely. Plan something that will recharge your batteries when it's over.  Also, I know you love animals, perhaps an interest group surrounding this interest might be feasible?  Many people with deep attachments to animals are compassionate introverts. catgirl on "Social isolation, wedding sadness" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/social-isolation-wedding-sadness/page/2#post-1513857 Wed, 01 Jul 2015 22:53:07 +0000 catgirl 1513857@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Oh, and I find friends the way I do thrift store treasures... I look at a wide range, not just my own size. I have friends 20 years younger and decades older than me; they enrich my life and I hope I do theirs - and I can't keep up with most of them! Aida on "Social isolation, wedding sadness" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/social-isolation-wedding-sadness/page/2#post-1513836 Wed, 01 Jul 2015 22:09:05 +0000 Aida 1513836@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ *BIG HUGS* Kari, you've gotten a lot of great advice from others already so I wanted just to say that I'd love to go out for tea or lunch or shopping or whatever with you. Or maybe you'd like to come hang out at my house which feels like being in a pretty park for tea and snacks. Or maybe we can plan another wine tasting afternoon. Just let me know! And I don't mean that in the typical Seattle way, I really do mean it. Do you still have my cel#? crutcher on "Social isolation, wedding sadness" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/social-isolation-wedding-sadness#post-1513793 Wed, 01 Jul 2015 20:59:44 +0000 crutcher 1513793@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Kari, I have been pondering your situation as I do...I would like to be able to offer you words of comfort and wisdom but what I keep coming up with is what works for me and that will not be any help for you... I just plugged into your post again and I read Gaylene's response...That is a wonderful heartfelt answer...I would read it again and again if I were you...She nailed some issues that you may find helpful... I hope you find your path...It is different for all of us and truly has to be individually defined...I can only send you my best... Gaylene on "Social isolation, wedding sadness" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/social-isolation-wedding-sadness#post-1513780 Wed, 01 Jul 2015 20:34:33 +0000 Gaylene 1513780@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I'm so sorry you are feeling alone, Kari. I don't have any suggestions to add to the ones that have been already suggested, but I can maybe offer a bit of perspective that I've gleaned after a dozen major moves that required "starting over" to build a circle of acquaintances and friends. (1) There is a natural ebb and flow to all friendships because our lives are not static. The BFF deep, intimate relationship is much rarer than movies and TV shows would have us believe. The majority of our social interactions are with acquaintances, close and not so close, with whom we connect for a period of time through shared interests. When we develop different interests, these relationships are hard, if not impossible, to maintain at the same level of intimacy. (2) Close work relationships aren't the same as close personal relations. Not recognizing the difference can lead to some awkward moments as well as feelings of betrayal. (3) Once we are adults, wanting to be friends with someone isn't enough. We have to bring something else to the table--offering assistance, being an attentive listener, and having a positive outlook make others want to be your friend. It's hard, but the more you demonstrate a need to be friends, the less likely that person will respond in kind. By the time we are adults, we have all been burned by a relationship with an overly needy friend who sucks up all our time and energy. (4) Independent, outgoing people make the most interesting friends because they are fun to be around. The more you look like you are enjoying yourself, the more others want to be around you--that's why joining clubs and getting involved in activities often leads to new friendships. (5) Don't force intimacy. It will develop on its own if it's meant to be. There is nothing wrong with having a circle of acquaintances whose company you enjoy because of proximity or a current enthusiasm. (6) There is always someone lonelier than you who is looking for someone to break the ice. Single people, especially those who are older, newly separated, or widowed, are often the most receptive to going for coffee or willing to accept an invitation to accompany you to an event. Start talking to them because they can open all kinds of doors. (7) Depending on a partner (and his/her friends) for your social life is rarely a good idea, as you already know. You need your own social life, but you can't get it as long as you stay in the protective surroundings of your home, family, and work. It takes courage to walk into a room full of strangers with a bright, positive attitude. Not everyone will be receptive, but that's their problem, not yours. You don't want to be friends with people like that, so move on until you find a more congenial group. Keep putting yourself out there and you'll gradually find your own tribe. Robin on "Social isolation, wedding sadness" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/social-isolation-wedding-sadness#post-1513737 Wed, 01 Jul 2015 18:24:36 +0000 Robin 1513737@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Kari, First, sending big hugs if you want them...and loads of empathy. I haven't had in-person friends, who were just my friends and not friends my sweetie and I hung out with as a couple, that I saw regularly in years. Now that I've moved to a new city, I know the making local friends thing is going to be what takes the longest. There are days when I just hate that and feel really lonely and even a little unlovable. Like you and your fiance,my sweetie and I have never wanted children, and that's definitely limited our ability to form friendships, especially where we used to live. Regarding the wedding: Have you been able to tell your fiance that the idea of having a wedding event versus just getting married makes you so sad? While I'm all for compromise, I really hate to think of you going through with a social event that your heart just isn't in. Wedding events are meant to be times of celebration...if you're not feeling celebratory, it'd be a good idea, I think, to work with your fiance to come up with something that feels celebratory to both of you. Back to friendships: This won't help you with forming close friendships - I still haven't found a formula for that, but if anyone does, please let me know - but do you have any interests or hobbies you've been wanting to pursue? Maybe getting out on your own on a regular basis to do something you enjoy or are interested in would help you feel less isolated. Your reply kkards on "Social isolation, wedding sadness" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/social-isolation-wedding-sadness#post-1513708 Wed, 01 Jul 2015 16:59:29 +0000 kkards 1513708@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ kari- except for the getting married part i could have written everything you've said....and i wonder if you, like me, are finding it hard to make friends because, vicious circle here, we don't have a lot of friends. I always feel like new people that you meet want to talk about what they did or are going to do this weekend etc, and when you don't have an active social life, there's not a much to talk about...I don't have an answer, but want to tell you that your not alone MsMaven on "Social isolation, wedding sadness" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/social-isolation-wedding-sadness#post-1513697 Wed, 01 Jul 2015 16:08:20 +0000 MsMaven 1513697@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Thanks for sharing so honestly, Kari. I don't think I've ever read anything about this kind of a situation before. I went through some similar feelings after I got married. Because of school and work we moved two states away from my old college friends, and then it seemed like every time we were settled into a new community a new opportunity arose and we moved again to another town and left behind friendships that had been slow to get established. We belonged to young married church groups, but the reality was that I was either going to school or working or studying and didn't have much in common with the other female members of these groups whose lives revolved around church and babies. Having children does make a difference in friendships. I used to envy my single friends and young married friends who didn't have children and who could be free to spontaneously take off and do exciting stuff. For a long time I lived close enough to my sisters to see them and share with them, but then our lives all moved in different directions and we lost  some closeness after our parents died. And some couples that we were close to were lost after they divorced, despite intentions to remain friends. Now thanks to the Internet I have international friendships and can keep up with my old buddy on Skype. I've joined some new groups, but it is hard for me to go out to meetings on my own after a long day. I hope you can find some comfort here, and thanks for letting us know your feelings. I've followed your posts for years and still am looking for a fabulous yellow bag like yours. DH and I decided long ago that we wish we had just eloped, but as Angie points out, your family and friends want to be a part of your celebration. Alassë on "Social isolation, wedding sadness" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/social-isolation-wedding-sadness#post-1513691 Wed, 01 Jul 2015 15:55:54 +0000 Alassë 1513691@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I'm so sorry, Kari. I hope that the wisdom of YLF will provide support & suggestions for you as you make your way through this difficult time. Diana on "Social isolation, wedding sadness" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/social-isolation-wedding-sadness#post-1513687 Wed, 01 Jul 2015 15:48:48 +0000 Diana 1513687@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Oh, Kari, I could have written almost all of this, both when I was planning for my own wedding and now.  All of my good friends seem to have moved away, had kids, or both; I am bad at keeping in touch with people when I don't see them often, as I don't use Facebook and hate talking on the phone.  When I do see those people, it's great, but like you said it's 1-2 times a year.  I'm still undecided about the kids thing, but at the moment I definitely feel isolated among so many friends who have or are having children.  I think one of my problems (and yours too maybe) is that I don't know how to make friends outside of a school setting where you see a lot of the same people all the time.  I don't think I've made any new close friends since I finished grad school.  My work situation is also very lonely right now, as the lab is exponentially shrinking. I don't really have any advice unfortunately.  I wish I did as it would help me too!  Re: the wedding thing. I also had many of the same feelings when I was planning mine but it ended up being fine, great even.  Yes, the bride's side and the groom's side were very unbalanced in size but there were enough of my (huge) family and friends there that it didn't feel weird.  And everyone seemed genuinely happy to be there.  I reconnected with a lot of my extended family, which was also very nice.  The thing was that everyone on my side was someone that I really wanted to be there.  But did I ever tell you about my bridal shower (which I most decidedly DID NOT WANT)?  It was me, one of my good friends from grad school, another friend who is really my husband's friend and not mine, my aunt, my MIL, and about 20 of MIL's friends.  SO AWKWARD.  So at least you won't have to worry about that, right?  ;)  I can't tell you how much I wish YLF were an actually physical place where we all lived.  That would solve all of our problems! kerry on "Social isolation, wedding sadness" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/social-isolation-wedding-sadness#post-1513675 Wed, 01 Jul 2015 15:26:19 +0000 kerry 1513675@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Making and keeping meaningful friendships is tough! As a fellow introvert, it's not easy to meet people and have that interaction grow into something really intimate. In my mid-thirties (I'm in my mid-forties now), before kid (and thinking we would not have kids out of choice), I wondered if I would ever make an intimate female friend again. I had sympathetic co-workers but an intimate relationship outside the workplace was not there. I had two close university friends (but one was very far away and the other had a partner that made get together difficult). I realized that an adult life (work, homes, partners, family, pets) made nuturing a friendship difficult. In school, we had all the time in the world to develop those friendships and usually rather quickly. In the adult world there just isn't that kind of concentrated time and it's so easy, over time, to get off course. My husband and I made friends of a couple (also very difficult to do - so many variables!). I thought my friendship with her could develop from a social one to a more intimate connection. We had many false starts over 3-4 years! And then something just worked. Now she's a close friend and confidante. I have a kid, she does not and we still make it work. But looking back it so easily might not have happened. As for my husband's friends' wives? Very nice women, enjoy their company when we are in a group but have no individual relationship with them. Some women don't choose to cultivate intimate connections with other women. Not sure why but there it is. I also think it's easier for most men. They often don't have the same high expectations for intimacy. I've given you no advice. I know it will work out but might take more time. You have to make yourself very vulnerable to get to that next level with people and that's pretty scary. Anonymous on "Social isolation, wedding sadness" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/social-isolation-wedding-sadness#post-1513646 Wed, 01 Jul 2015 14:29:44 +0000 Anonymous 1513646@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Kari -  a lot of what you wrote brought back memories of my early married days.....and even resonates today.  It sounds like a lot is going on in your head - and it's a great first step to write what you did.  I find writing helps me sort of issues of my own. Anyways - your situation and how you are feeling is unfortunately fairly common, and you are by no means alone, or unusual in what you are going through.  I don't have a lot of close female friends , and while my daughter was young, my friends were mothers of her friends. Just the way it went.  I also had my daughter much later than friends from my old pre-kid life did, and the whole experience was one of forging a new life and friendships for myself. It was not a fun time, I will admit. Anyways - pretty much all of my most recent friendships have come from women I got to know at the gym, and through work.  It's not a large circle, but it has proven to be worthwhile, and satisfying.  Just know that what you are feeling is normal, common, and just the reality of this stage in life. Write lots, read lots, and find something to do to calm your mind and help your body relax (yoga, walking, the gym etc) .  This stage shall pass. I promise. Traci on "Social isolation, wedding sadness" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/social-isolation-wedding-sadness#post-1513619 Wed, 01 Jul 2015 13:38:22 +0000 Traci 1513619@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ You've gotten lots of good advice here.  I'm feeling in a very similar spot myself lately.  I think times of transition can be very lonely feeling times for many of us.  I've used my workplace as my social circle for several years and now I'm in a transition that makes that not really practical. Having been on the other side of the mom equation, I want to echo what others have said about moms not wanting to subject single friends to their kids.  That's a pretty big wall you have to climb over to stay friends with a new mom.  Many moms have heard the complaints from their non mom friends about wanting things to be the way they used to be, or not wanting to have to have the kid around all the time, or wanting to be able to talk about non child related stuff.  All these rules can feel like so much pressure to try to perform a role you no longer have, and I see many moms retract from friendships because they don't feel authentic trying to pretend to be their non mom selves of old. If you're willing to hang out with moms in their messy houses, and try to have a conversation while kids scream in the background and the dog pees on the floor and the mom complains about how her husband doesn't help enough, then let your mom friends know this!  Those few times a year they're inviting you over are probably the few times a year they feel like the planets align and they are happy and groomed and their house is clean and the kids are on a decent sleep schedule and their lives aren't falling apart.  The rest of the time they're hiding from you.  I wish I had some better advice on how to find a new tribe.  MsMary has written some very inspiring posts on this, but I just don't have the gumption myself.  The chasm between knowing and doing is wide! I do wonder if there are some adjustments your fiance can make that would leave you feeling less alone.  I think maybe the feeling of loss is amplified by the fact that you see his thriving social life. I have noticed that adult friendships just aren't the same as the ones from our youth.  I've mourned those youthful friendships built on instantaneous, but undeserving, trust and openness and carefree schedules that allow us to stay up until sunrise talking about any thought that enters our heads.  Adult friendships are less tumultuous and less intimate, I've found. I wish you peace through this rocky time. Angie on "Social isolation, wedding sadness" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/social-isolation-wedding-sadness#post-1513603 Wed, 01 Jul 2015 13:08:33 +0000 Angie 1513603@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Dear, Karie. ((((HUGS))). Weddings are a time to reflect, aren't they? Greg wanted to elope as we were planning our wedding - but the point is that your family and friends want to see you get married. So although they say your wedding is for you - it's not. Time after the wedding is about you and B. And you'll have a lifetime together to explore your friendship and intimacy.  Have you chosen the made of honour yet? And will you have bridesmaids and flower girls? Spending time with those selected people might feel more like "evening out the playing fields" for the wedding.  FWIW, here's how I see it. Friendships come and go in life, especially when you move around a lot. Some are meaningful, and some are not. We've moved around a lot and I've found that I had to make A LOT of effort to make friends and keep them along the way (the better half of 27 years). Most of our friends have kids so their social life revolves around their dependants - or family that they have closeby. We have neither kids nor family here, so I often take the initiative with having people over and organizing events. As well as making efforts to stay in touch with people everywhere. Or taking the time (and money) to arrange holidays with friends all over the world. Just saw many friends in Amsterdam & London - not to mention the family. It was well worth the time and expense.  Mochi on "Social isolation, wedding sadness" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/social-isolation-wedding-sadness#post-1513601 Wed, 01 Jul 2015 12:55:27 +0000 Mochi 1513601@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Hi, Kari. This resonates with me a lot. Maybe I'm presuming and/or projecting from my own personality, but I get you as a deep person who wants meaningful friendships, not the superficial kind of interactions many people are satisfied with. And it's hard (and tends to get harder with age). The kid thing, definitely. I'd say besides childfree people, you can befriend women whose children are almost or completely grown. Even with a now-adult daughter of my own, I find that I relate more to childfree women than to women with small children. Our interests and responsibilities are so different.  It is a search you have to go through. And it seems to be not easy. I'm taking an improv comedy class with twelve people, we all like each other and work well together, and after six or so classes we still completely disperse without going out for a drink or anything after the class is over each week. I think it's shyness. It takes time. Through my book club, through tango (which creates other issues, but the female friendship aspect seems to be coming through), through my writing classes I've met some great women and it seems like my efforts and time put in are finally reaping some rewards. Even so, people are so busy--whether their children are small, or independent, or they don't even have any.  Also the wedding thing, the social pressure from that...I remember my daughter having her bat mitzvah (over ten years ago, when I felt very isolated...) Apart from my kid's friends, I really didn't have more than some relatives to invite. I felt embarrassed about it. Being on public display to an extent, forced to deal with the stress of being the centerpiece of an event....I can imagine how tough it is.  I remember the Shoptoberfest a few years back, when sitting with you on the couches (while all the more energetic fabbers shopped) was one of the highlight memories of that weekend. You are a special person, and your friends will be very lucky to have you as their friend. I hope you get some great advice here. I think Mary will have her typical stellar wisdom if she chimes in.  Flytigress on "Social isolation, wedding sadness" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/social-isolation-wedding-sadness#post-1513594 Wed, 01 Jul 2015 12:42:12 +0000 Flytigress 1513594@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I'm so sorry you're feeling isolated.  Making friends in adulthood can definitely be challenging.   A few random thoughts of mine: The gym is a great place to make friends, especially if you consistently go to the same classes, see the same faces, and arrive a little early and strike up conversations.  I never wait to be approached.  I always smile and make a comment first.  I have a great group of girlfriends now that I met through a dance class at the YMCA. And it was one of those YMCA dance class friends who invited me to her book club, which has been a source of another group of delightful friends.  And a swim class lead to an invitation to another book club, which I just recently joined.  I don't imagine seeing those people outside of monthly book club meetings, but I enjoy them when I see them. Which brings me to this point:  not every friendship is going to be "meaningful."  From what I've read in terms of emotional, mental and physical health, it's important to have a wide net of casual friends/acquaintances/deep friendships, etc.  They are all important.  Social isolation can be a killer, literally.   Making friends is a skill.  We can all learn how to do it.  Learning how to reach out and develop friendships is a form of self-care.  I consider myself an introvert, but most people would laugh to hear me described that way.  I have developed extrovert skills. Don't forget older and younger friends.  It's refreshing to have friends in lots of different stages of their lives.  I have friends ranging from 20-something to 80-something. I love my husband dearly, but I would never count on him as my only source of friendship.  Let's face it, most of us will outlive our husbands! Hope there's a tidbit somewhere in here that resonates.   cheryle (Dianthus) on "Social isolation, wedding sadness" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/social-isolation-wedding-sadness#post-1513591 Wed, 01 Jul 2015 12:40:34 +0000 cheryle (Dianthus) 1513591@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I really feel for you Kari.  It seems that when we are children, friendships are almost instantaneous but as adults they take effort and not everyone is willing to put in the effort.  It seems to be very common for women to have trouble making new friendships and I sometimes wonder if it is because the women have so much responsibility inside and outside the home that they don't have the energy left to nurture a friendship.  It isn't you.  I truly think the world would be a happier place if everyone had at lease one close friend and confidante.   You have received a lot of really good suggestions here.  I second the suggestion about finding a hobby that is something you enjoy.  I have found that working on creative projects lifts my spirits.  I have tried gardening, knitting, and decorating but the best of all is stained glass.  It gives this non-artist a great feeling of accomplishment to create something of beauty.  I know you have a great knack at putting together color combinations so perhaps something artistic would be an outlet for you. I know a few women who have used Meetup as a way to meet new friends and it has been successful but I think they joined as a small group so already had the support there.  Another friend whose two best friends moved away within a year of each other joined a book club and made friends through that club.  It was local to the neighborhood so everyone was within easy distance to get together.    Have you considered taking a class one evening per week?  It doesn't need to lead to anything - in fact, it would be better if it didn't so there wasn't any stress.  How about a second or third language?  Or a class in literature?  Language and arts classes can be a great venue for discussion and are social. A few years ago, a childless couple moved into our neighborhood - one where almost every family included a few children.  The husband was military and traveled a lot and for long periods.  She got a job at the running room and started running.  Joining a running club turned out to be the best source of friends ever.  The couple didn't want to move away at the end of their posting as they had SO many friends - as individuals and as a couple.  Running isn't for everyone but there are walking clubs and fitness clubs too.  The added benefit is that the exercise gives you those lovely endorphins to make you feel even better.  As to the wedding, are you maybe just a bit resentful that B wants the wedding and you are left holding the bag?  Perhaps this is something the two of you could do together.  You could research and perhaps even go to a wedding show or two to get ideas.  Or if you don't want to plan a wedding and it is bringing you stress, maybe you could talk to B about it and give him the lead on it and provide support rather than being the primary.   It will get better Kari.  I've been around YLF long enough to know you from when you posted often and know you are a lovely person inside and out.  If you lived here, I would have initiated a friendship with you myself.   (((hugs))) Deborah on "Social isolation, wedding sadness" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/social-isolation-wedding-sadness#post-1513518 Wed, 01 Jul 2015 07:00:16 +0000 Deborah 1513518@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Kari, I am so thrilled that you feel you can share as you have here.  I think it's worse when we keep it all inside.  It sounds like this is a very challenging time.  Re the wedding, I guess it's important that you and B can meet somewhere in the middle about how you want it to play out.  I am sure you understand that the people he would like to invite are important to him.  Can you do both?  Elope and have that special moment for yourselves and have a wedding party for your/his friends/family.   Kari, I relocated nearly 5 years ago and experienced a great deal of isolation and loneliness.  YLF actually made a huge difference because I was able to interact with other women like myself.  Over the almost 5 years I have very slowly established some new friendships but only two or three of them are truly meaningful relationships. If you are wanting to grow your circle of friends, I would suggest looking at the things you enjoy and mean something to you.  Volunteering is always a good way to meet people that share your intereests/passions etc.  Joy mentioned bible study, and that's exactly what I did when I moved here, started attending a womens' bible study and immediately started to slowly connect. Kari, I think you may have to step out and venture into new places to meet new people.  I know it's not easy.  I wish I lived close, I would be blessed to have you as my real life friend. Maneera on "Social isolation, wedding sadness" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/social-isolation-wedding-sadness#post-1513499 Wed, 01 Jul 2015 05:00:58 +0000 Maneera 1513499@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I'm in a very similar situation myself, Kari. I've been married 8 years now and decided very early in life that I don't want kids. As my friends slowly started settling down and having kids, I started to depend on my own company more and more. People do get really busy once they have a family. Until a few years back, we hosted/attended weekend parties every week. These days it's a wonder if we get to catch up with friends even once a month! Here are my suggestions; things i have tried and think help a little - volunteer at an animal shelter, you would be surprised at how many amazing people you meet. Use Meetup and join a few groups. Don't have high expectations though...sometimes you get lucky and meet another kindred soul, often you don't. Start indulging in your own interests/hobbies. I find this to be most useful. When you're doing something that brings you joy, you almost forget you're alone. I've realized that it's far safer to depend on yourself...and you will always find an outlet here at YLF if you want to talk about the things that bother you. I now walk about with my camera every weekend and spend hours clicking pictures. I joined baking classes and started swimming too. I also find charitable causes of my own - like feeding all the stray dogs I can find or helping underprivileged kids and giving them a weekend class. All of these take up my time and bring satisfaction. However, I will not lie. There is a limit to how much isolation one can take. One of the biggest changes in my life was to re-connect with my husband. Once he understood how isolated and lonely I felt sitting at home while he was completely happy spending the weekend watching TV, things really changed. Often, we like to do different things. I'm an extrovert while he's an introvert, so he doesn't mind not seeing friends or going out. He now initiates a lovely weekend plan every Saturday...keeping in mind things we will both enjoy. If we go to a Sports Bar one day, we go shopping the next. We explore different corners of the city and we plan lunches and dinners at new places. Thing is, when you make a serious decision to not have kids, you have to ensure that your relationship with your husband/fiancées fulfills 'more' emotional needs than what's OK for couples with kids. We all need family and a support system, and it's best when your partner is also your best friend, since you ARE a priority in his life. If your husband loves sports so much, why don't you suggest that the two of you watch more games together? You don't have to go out in a crowd you don't like...but find ways to develop an interest in things together, even if these are new things. I hope this helps. Kari on "Social isolation, wedding sadness" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/social-isolation-wedding-sadness#post-1513497 Wed, 01 Jul 2015 04:53:30 +0000 Kari 1513497@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Yeah, Debbie, I know totally that no one means to be exclusionary. Kids/family (and work/pets; heck, I know this) need to be a top priority. I don't expect or really want a "let's fly to Vegas for the weekend" lifestyle like B's friends do. But I also see that the friends who I would count among my closest I still have do activities, they just do them with different people/groups I'm not part of, largely people with kids around the same age. I offer to visit friends with their kids at their homes when they have time, but that is rare; a couple times per year. But most invites/attempts to reach out don't get a response. There's not enough time for me to really join their lives, or maybe we weren't close enough to begin with for them to want to stay connected after having kids. In several cases the baby shower has been the last time I saw anyone outside of social media, and attempts to reach out weren't reciprocated. Rambling Ann on "Social isolation, wedding sadness" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/social-isolation-wedding-sadness#post-1513492 Wed, 01 Jul 2015 04:37:02 +0000 Rambling Ann 1513492@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ No, not desperate all, it's self-care. The people who WILL bring joy to your life aren't going to knock on your door. I wish it were easy. It is not.  But it doesn't have to take years...how long did it take to fall in love with your guy? Not finding him, but once you started spending time with him? Connecting with people on a lesser-than-lifetime level is easier, really, if we make it a priority and don't go looking for a hammer in a bakery, as they say. Now, how to make it a priority in day-to-day life and get out of our comfort zones? There's the rub, and I say our, because I can shrink back into my routine and get far too busy to reach out or attend that book club or whatnot. Getting married is an emotional punctuation mark in our lives. I remember my first, not so many real friends I wanted there either. We did elope the second time, so I didn't have to think about it, but our friends insisted on a party afterwards and that was lovely. But my point is that the whole rite and ritual amplifies all sorts of feelings. It's a good thing to be aware of this need so you don't dump it all on future DH's lap to fill, but it isn't going to get filled overnight. If it were me, I'd insist on culling the guest list down tightly to only those that bring joy. If it's a reasonable test for socks and tee-shirts, it ought to be right for wedding guests. Good luck to you and your guy. Debbie on "Social isolation, wedding sadness" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/social-isolation-wedding-sadness#post-1513489 Wed, 01 Jul 2015 04:33:30 +0000 Debbie 1513489@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Kari-This is hard. I think people are so busy they don't think about how their action of exclusion are hurting another person. I have lost friends over the past several years because I am a grandmother that has custody of her grandchild. I am not free to go and come as I please. I actually had one friend tell me that she had raised her children and didn't want to have to plan activities around children. I still have friends that have stuck around but the friendship has changed because I can't go on a girl's trip on a moments notice or decide to fly to Vegas on an hours notice. I have met new friends it is a long process by attending classes joining an exercise class and believe it or not a book club. Kari on "Social isolation, wedding sadness" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/social-isolation-wedding-sadness#post-1513487 Wed, 01 Jul 2015 04:17:51 +0000 Kari 1513487@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ It is very unexpected. It was and still sometimes is hard coming to terms with the fact that I thought I'd want kids some day, and just as I move farther towards the "heck no!" Side of the spectrum, everyone else seems to be entering the mommy track or are planning to soon. I didn't realize how lonely this would be, but choosing to have a kid simply to be part of "a club" isn't something I'm willing to do when I'm pretty sure I'd be unhappy as a parent. We know our neighbors now as well as we'll ever be able to, those that have dogs anyway. We live in an apartment and residents are friendly but distant, not interested in connecting more than when we bump into each other taking dogs for a walk. It's not like a neighborhood of houses. We do take Lucy to puppy play classes weekly. Nice people there, that's probably the best prospect. We've also started attending basset hound monthly meetups. I have a few ideas for activities I could try for starting to branch out socially on my own. I can't say I'm really passionate about any of these prospective activities but they might be worth a go if only to get out of the house sometimes. Is that desperate? catgirl on "Social isolation, wedding sadness" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/social-isolation-wedding-sadness#post-1513484 Wed, 01 Jul 2015 04:12:16 +0000 catgirl 1513484@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Oh, Kari. I am so sorry. The kid thing is hard - I was the child free friend for a long time, but my friends with kids were still important to me, so I tried to be a good aunt and support to them, which paid off later when I had my kid and theirs were grown. It sucks in some ways to be spending your nights as a child free person watching Dora and sitting around a living room full of toys watching a toddler meltdown, but it was just a phase. Many moms feel guilty or delusional asking their kid-free friends to hang out, and they also are isolated and sick of mom talk. Your friends with kids may think you have good reason not to keep up with them anymore! Honestly, when DS was small I lived for my time with girlfriends who would meet me to shop or hike or go to a movie; we just had to plan more carefully. When I had DS, I lost some friends, kept some friends and made some friends. I know you are such a considerate and loving person so maybe you can reach out to them and let them know you are willing to meet them halfway. If you've already done this, my apologies. Sal on "Social isolation, wedding sadness" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/social-isolation-wedding-sadness#post-1513469 Wed, 01 Jul 2015 03:32:39 +0000 Sal 1513469@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Kari, I am pleased you wrote this because now you can start to work on the situation.  People and friendships do change, for a myriad of reasons.  Sometimes children change the dynamic, people move, and sometimes people just change or grow apart.  I have lost friends over the years and sometimes I can see what has changed ( priorities, location,) and sometimes it is just sad and unfortunate.  And whilst I have children, I do agree parents of younger children are so busy and often distracted that they do not make much effort to include friends without children.  And sometimes they can think that the social gathering (another potluck dinner with loud noisy children) is not very appealing either, which of course may not be true. You have lots of ideas for groups and it will depend on what is local and of interest.  I have made friends from Book Group, neighbours (a big one for me as we have a very social street), through sport and through work.   Sometimes DH's friends have partners that also become my friends, sometimes not so much.  I do wonder if the partners of DH's friends are not realising how cold they are appearing to you; they may think you have no interest in being friends with them?  Just a thought and I might be off base here. I find asking a colleague or new friend to the movies is an easy way to start...sometimes preceded by a wine or coffee.  I know when my boys were little I loved escaping to the movies with friends, and sometimes it is so much easier to go with a friend than finding a sitter and going with your partner.   Good luck, you seem a warm and caring person, it is hard when life takes a twist you did not quite predict. JAileen on "Social isolation, wedding sadness" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/social-isolation-wedding-sadness#post-1513468 Wed, 01 Jul 2015 03:30:54 +0000 JAileen 1513468@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ When we moved to a new area and I had no friends, I was invited to a knitting group for spouses of model train aficionados. One of the wives felt like a widow and in frustration started the group. I loved it! We met once a week. We'd knit and talk and have nice desserts. I became a very confident knitter, and made friends. Win win.