https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/so-ashamed-to-be-upset-about-a-petty-petty-thing Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Wed, 29 Apr 2026 02:37:10 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/so-ashamed-to-be-upset-about-a-petty-petty-thing/page/2#post-990911 Fri, 26 Jul 2013 07:26:09 +0000 Kari 990911@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Mochi, I hurt for you reading this because it feels so familiar to me too-it's painful to be left out. </p> <p>I'm glad that your instructor and friend are understanding, and think the solution of learning to lead so you can be in control of whether you have a partner is a good one. That's what we do in Scottish Country Dance (though for the most part, the "man" and "lady" pretty much do the same thing, only on opposite sides of the set.) I do think that if it's considered a faux pax for follows to ask leads to dance, the men need to be more conscientious about making sure everyone is included at some point! Otherwise, how can you practice what you've been learning?</p> <p>I think you have a perfectly valid reason to be hurt but are handling the aftermath very appropriately. Sure, it's not a serious illness, but it's totally valid to acknowledge that your feelings have been hurt! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/so-ashamed-to-be-upset-about-a-petty-petty-thing/page/2#post-988922 Wed, 24 Jul 2013 03:46:43 +0000 Gaylene 988922@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>It sounds like your teacher is a wonderful coach. And learning to dance the leader role sounds like a wonderful idea, both for you and for other women who might end up in the same position as you at the practica. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/so-ashamed-to-be-upset-about-a-petty-petty-thing/page/2#post-988820 Wed, 24 Jul 2013 01:03:43 +0000 Anonymous 988820@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Big hugs. My tummy hurts for your tummy. Glad you are able to do something proactive about it though!&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/so-ashamed-to-be-upset-about-a-petty-petty-thing/page/2#post-988760 Tue, 23 Jul 2013 23:44:39 +0000 Caro in Oz 988760@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Just popped back to see how you were doing :)&nbsp;<br />Love the layers of meaning in "the leader role" glad to see women in it&nbsp;:) </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/so-ashamed-to-be-upset-about-a-petty-petty-thing/page/2#post-988399 Tue, 23 Jul 2013 15:14:24 +0000 Anonymous 988399@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Awesome! I think that is a perfect solution. Not only are you going to get something out of it, but you can make sure other women don't have the same experience as you. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/so-ashamed-to-be-upset-about-a-petty-petty-thing/page/2#post-988391 Tue, 23 Jul 2013 15:06:24 +0000 Mochi 988391@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Hi, Ceit (and Una! and everyone else). I am feeling much more over it. I had a talk with my teacher about it last night before our private lesson. She says this is absolutely a typical experience for women, that it would end up happening fairly often, though randomly.&nbsp;</p> <p>One thing she recommended was for women to learn to dance the leader role, so that we women can always have fun dancing with each other. That's what I will start doing. It's also a way to get a deeper understanding of tango anyway (to know both roles). My teacher is recruiting me to help out as a leader (because there tend to be shortages of them) in her next intro series. I'm looking forward to it a lot.&nbsp;</p> <p>But it's great to get a consensus that it was okay to feel unhappy and then exit the situation. Thanks for that validation. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/so-ashamed-to-be-upset-about-a-petty-petty-thing/page/2#post-988376 Tue, 23 Jul 2013 14:47:35 +0000 Anonymous 988376@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I am glad you were able to talk with your teacher. Can you make a plan for next time? Recruit a girlfriend to dance with you? Sit out for X minutes before moving on with a light heart? I see how it is important that people who take lessons attend these open events, but it is no fun if you are just on the outside looking in.</p> <p>I think you can give yourself a free pass for leaving if you just aren't feeling it that night. And I know this sounds woo woo, but try and project ability and welcoming feelings. I just encountered some photos from a prom a long time ago, and am I ever sending bad vibes in the photos. I remember that night as being absolutely horrible and no fun, in part because of a similar situation to yours, and it is just radiating off me in the photo.</p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/so-ashamed-to-be-upset-about-a-petty-petty-thing/page/2#post-988347 Tue, 23 Jul 2013 14:05:31 +0000 Helena 988347@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>So sorry this happened - not silly to feel upset at all, cliques are awful!! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/so-ashamed-to-be-upset-about-a-petty-petty-thing/page/2#post-988015 Tue, 23 Jul 2013 02:42:12 +0000 catgirl 988015@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Aw, Nancy.&nbsp; This was the story of my life forever.&nbsp; Growing up, was never asked out or considered more than a friend (I think being a minority in a time when it was very unusual was part of that).&nbsp; I know this is different, but it still sucks to feel that way even if it's most likely nothing to do with YOU.</p> <p>(My sister and I used to joke that she had a "come hither" look while I had more of a "go thither" look.) </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/so-ashamed-to-be-upset-about-a-petty-petty-thing/page/2#post-987913 Tue, 23 Jul 2013 00:08:37 +0000 Anonymous 987913@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Ah, it sucks. I am so sorry this happened. You are upset with reason but be proud, you took control of the situation by leaving. Muy bien amiga! Side note: You know, colombian clubs work the same way, you kinda have to wait for someone to ask you to dance but heck we took control of the situation. Our solution: We ask another girl ( not a guy) to dance. Sometimes it becomes a group of women dancing. Super fun and empowering. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/so-ashamed-to-be-upset-about-a-petty-petty-thing/page/2#post-987726 Mon, 22 Jul 2013 18:15:09 +0000 Anonymous 987726@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Oh, and another thing.&nbsp; Are the people going to these events single or in committed relationships?&nbsp; Is it possible that they are going in hopes to hook up and not just to dance.&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/so-ashamed-to-be-upset-about-a-petty-petty-thing/page/2#post-987716 Mon, 22 Jul 2013 18:05:13 +0000 rachylou 987716@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Perfectly understandable. And dances are total setups. I used to go dancing every now and then. The thought of going without someone I know fills me with dread. The thought of dancing with someone I don't know is most uncomfortable. And frankly dancing with the person I know dances most might be the worst, lol. He treats it like a sport and that's too weird for me. lol.</p> <p>I say be like Cher from <i>Clueless </i>and say *Whatever.* It's fun and an excellent mantra. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/so-ashamed-to-be-upset-about-a-petty-petty-thing/page/2#post-987677 Mon, 22 Jul 2013 17:13:51 +0000 Anonymous 987677@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Glad you are feeling better about the whole thing.&nbsp; I'm kind of into new age-y stuff and you may think it's not for you and that's ok but I wonder what energy you put&nbsp;out while you are at these events.&nbsp;&nbsp;I feel that if you are nervous, fearful&nbsp;and worried, thinking about how you may not get asked to dance you emit the energy that can bring exactly those results.&nbsp; If you could go with the agenda just to enjoy the night, the music and watching the other dancers with no expectations you might actually change the outcome.&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/so-ashamed-to-be-upset-about-a-petty-petty-thing/page/2#post-987594 Mon, 22 Jul 2013 15:47:58 +0000 Mochi 987594@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Thank you, Angie. I ALWAYS feel completely included here. As I say, it's the most special place here.&nbsp;</p> <p>Here is a youtube video of my teacher dancing with one of the best dancers in the local community. She is a great, brilliant, beautiful, feisty,&nbsp;lovely woman--I call her the Angie of the tango world :)</p> <p><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DOeDKhsAdPk">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DOeDKhsAdPk</a> </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/so-ashamed-to-be-upset-about-a-petty-petty-thing/page/2#post-987590 Mon, 22 Jul 2013 15:42:32 +0000 Angie 987590@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Nancy, Dana said it so well. It's horrible to feel excluded and you have my empathy. (((HUGS))). Silly dance :(. </p> <p>Come hang out with us! And feel VERY INCLUDED. Nice to hear that you are bouncing back. xoxo </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/so-ashamed-to-be-upset-about-a-petty-petty-thing/page/2#post-987586 Mon, 22 Jul 2013 15:40:59 +0000 Mochi 987586@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I had a really nice email exchange with my teacher this morning. (She is very happy that I also have this community to share feelings with.) The upshot, which I knew, is that this can be a cruel-seeming environment sometimes, and that this happens to the women, because we so outnumber the men. And sadly, the older women will not get as much attention as the younger ones, no matter how skillful their dancing. (I already factor that in--my classmate M happens to be older than me.)&nbsp;My teacher goes through it. She herself was in a bad mood during last night's class,&nbsp;dealing &nbsp;as she usually does&nbsp;with inconsiderate students who don't commit to their lessons and classes (including one ongoing student who didn't show up for the class--he was out driving on a suspended license and got himself arrested!), so she never knows how many people are going to show up. I made sure to let her know she and her partner are great instructors and people's lack of follow-through is no reflection on them.&nbsp;</p> <p>So now to keep up the age-old battle to keep my public emotions in control, the way she does.&nbsp;</p> <p>Thanks, beautiful women.&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/so-ashamed-to-be-upset-about-a-petty-petty-thing/page/2#post-987532 Mon, 22 Jul 2013 14:33:41 +0000 Anonymous 987532@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>It's a faux pas for the women to ask the men to dance? Well, also sounds to me like it's a faux pas on behalf of the men to not ensure every lady gets to dance. I'd feel a little put out, too, but please don't let the bad manners or backward customs of the other dancers get you down for too long. In the end, their actions are a reflection on them, not on you as a person.</p> </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/so-ashamed-to-be-upset-about-a-petty-petty-thing/page/2#post-987460 Mon, 22 Jul 2013 13:05:18 +0000 Krista 987460@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I don't have much to add but I think in this case it was okay to "trust your gut" (and I don't mean that as a pun ) and get out of the situation. What I think would concern me more is if you felt you had to stay for the full amount of time, no matter how uncomfortable you were feeling. That wouldn't have been okay either! You did the right thing for you - that's what matters. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/so-ashamed-to-be-upset-about-a-petty-petty-thing/page/2#post-987399 Mon, 22 Jul 2013 11:32:37 +0000 Anonymous 987399@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Mochi, I'm sorry you had a tough time, but it's totally normal to feel like that. I'm glad you kind of managed to pull through it a bit, but it can't be pleasent when your stomach is affected as well. I too have a very thin skin and wish I could grow a few more layers and would feel just the same. Hugs to you and best of luck for next time. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/so-ashamed-to-be-upset-about-a-petty-petty-thing/page/2#post-987379 Mon, 22 Jul 2013 10:06:35 +0000 Mochi 987379@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Thank you all so much for your kind and helpful words. I didn't expect to come back after class the next morning and find so many replies!&nbsp;</p> <p>Since I left the practica so early, drove to the class location and had a bunch of time, I walked around and tried to calm down. As I said, I think, I completely got over the teary part, but what was more disturbing was how my stomach absolutely flared up. Which had never happened to me, so now I have to look into this, otherwise I will have serious issues whenever I'm in any stressful situation. (My mom was prone to ulcers....I never had that problem before.) The stomach thing lingered on into the first 30-40 minutes of the class and was pretty intense, though I kept a good front. I couldn't eat any food (didn't want any) and it was hard to pay attention to what they were doing.&nbsp;</p> <p>Only Marsha was there from the practica. Otherwise about six other students, most of whom I knew, and the teachers. She asked me why I'd left and I just said my stomach had acted up, but was better now.</p> <p>It turned out to be a great class, but it was so hard for me to stay in the moment and not get into "monkey mind" about what had happened, which should no longer have mattered. I am not the best mindfulness student! It took a while, but things simmered down internally. I had a few great dances with one of the instructors, Paul, who was really happy to see overall progress I'd made. (I take private lessons also with his co-instructor, so she is much more on top of how I'm progressing.)&nbsp;</p> <p>By the end of the evening I was feeling about 70% back to normal.&nbsp;</p> <p>I may take another private lesson today or tomorrow and speak to my female instructor about this. Actually I will probably have to, since it's an expectation that we all go to practica as a supplementary means of practicing what we do in class. She can hear me out and offer some advice, or at least get the heads-up. It's not an unusual situation at all...it's extremely common.&nbsp;</p> <p>In fact I got an email this morning from one of my woman friends who had been there and was feeling bad that I had left while she was out on the floor. She and I dance at least once or twice together each week (she's learning how to lead, precisely because this is one way women can get some more control over their situation and not need to passively wait). She was apologizing to me, clearly understood what had happened, and now I feel pained to see the cascading effect. It will sadden her a lot if I stop going to that event.&nbsp;</p> <p>It is a good thing in life to have a thick skin. I need mine thicker.&nbsp;</p> <p>Thanks again. I think bringing this up for discussion with my teacher will be a good thing.&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/so-ashamed-to-be-upset-about-a-petty-petty-thing/page/2#post-987293 Mon, 22 Jul 2013 04:20:00 +0000 Sylvie 987293@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Mochi, don't be ashamed.&nbsp; Your reaction is completely normal and you handled it beautifully - absenting yourself from the situation is way more mature than sitting there silently seething (which is what I would have done).</p> <p>Being left out has happened to me well, a lot - quite frequently in childhood, but less often in adulthood.&nbsp; The last time was probably about a month ago - went to a dance class where the instructor didn't show up, some people had prior knowledge so they were teaching others, there was a limited amount of equipment so people had to take turns, and I didn't "get a turn" till the end, and then I was really bad at it.</p> <p> I can also totally relate to the "invisible" feeling - sometimes I go to a social event and afterwards, no one remembers that I was there or that I existed.</p> <p>I just want you to know that there's nothing about *you* that made no one ask you to dance.&nbsp; This sort of thing just happens sometimes, and it sucks when it does.</p> <p>But we're both lucky in that we do have people who really care about us, who think we're awesome and visible and worthwhile.&nbsp; And if those people think we rock, who cares about anyone else? </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/so-ashamed-to-be-upset-about-a-petty-petty-thing/page/2#post-987280 Mon, 22 Jul 2013 03:33:43 +0000 Sveta 987280@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Mochi, I also want to give you a hug! I think you behaves totally appropriate for the situation, I would feel the same in your place.<br />Are these practica happen regularly? Maybe you can arrange a partner form your class beforehand or ask your classmates to do rotation so everybody can practice?<br />In any case don't stop this from enjoying your tango adventure, it sounded like you had a lot of fun with it! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/so-ashamed-to-be-upset-about-a-petty-petty-thing#post-987270 Mon, 22 Jul 2013 03:17:43 +0000 Lyn D. 987270@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>All been said!<br />I hope writing this down and getting feedback has made you feel better. People can be selfish, can't they? </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/so-ashamed-to-be-upset-about-a-petty-petty-thing#post-987253 Mon, 22 Jul 2013 02:59:40 +0000 abc 987253@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Mochi I don't think you should be apologetic or feel bad for your feelings. &nbsp;You had to deal with a crappy situation and it sucks, you deserve to feel mad/sad/crappy about it.</p> <p>You DID do the right thing by leaving early. &nbsp;Why torture yourself? &nbsp;It is supposed to be FUN. &nbsp;</p> <p>I agree with you, it probably is Boston and again it is that whole dance clique thing we discussed earlier in another thread of yours.</p> <p>You'll know better for next time if you want to risk the practica and not being asked to dance or if you stick to more class-based activities where you know you will be on the dance floor.</p> <p>Personally I admire you for getting up and leaving. &nbsp;Instead of letting their decisions affect you, you took charge and made your decision - like that!</p> <p>Chin up. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/so-ashamed-to-be-upset-about-a-petty-petty-thing#post-987248 Mon, 22 Jul 2013 02:57:42 +0000 ManidipaM 987248@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Mochi, everyone's pretty much said all there is to say about how this is nothing petty and your reaction was appropriate and proportionate, hence emotionally astute.</p> <p>So I'll just reach out to give you a hug instead!</p> <p>PS: Just to remind you, I am full of admiration that you are stretching yourself this way in the first place, especially as you were iffy about the social aspect of those tango classes from the get-go! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/so-ashamed-to-be-upset-about-a-petty-petty-thing#post-987220 Mon, 22 Jul 2013 02:31:25 +0000 Gaylene 987220@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Actually, I think your reaction was totally rational and appropriate in this situation. And I don't think that you need to apologize or feel bad about choosing to extricate yourself from an awkward, uncomfortable situation. If you didn't have a dance partner, there really wasn't much point to your staying at the practica.</p> <p>As for missing the dinner and the class, I'd just be honest the next time I saw the rest of the class and tell them that you were disappointed you didn't have a dance partner after waiting for over an hour and there didn't seem much reason to stay. Maybe being honest about how uncomfortable it is not to have a dance partner might make some of your class members more conscious of their behavior during future practica.</p> <p>I guess the point I'm trying to make is that <b>you</b> didn't do anything wrong and have absolutely no reason to feel ashamed of your feelings; anyone would have felt the way you did under those circumstances. But I also don't think you need to hide your disappointment from your class members; if they were at the practica, they were the ones who behaved badly, not you. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/so-ashamed-to-be-upset-about-a-petty-petty-thing#post-987162 Mon, 22 Jul 2013 01:26:17 +0000 MNsara 987162@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Aww, Mochi - Your experience immediately brought me to grade school where the teacher picked two 'captains' and they could take turns picking students to be on their teams.&nbsp; I was not athletic and was always one of the last ones picked.&nbsp; I may even have blocked out if I was THE last one :-(&nbsp; So, it's not silly nor petty to have hurt feelings, and some days we're more/less resilient than others (um, cyclical hormones anyone?)</p> <p>Good job leaving while you could calmly.&nbsp; Don't know how close you are to Marsha, but if she and you were in this as a team, you could look out for each other -- directing the men to dance with&nbsp;the one who's been waiting longest.</p> <p>But, she's probably dealing with leftover adolescent&nbsp;acceptance angst herself . . . !</p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/so-ashamed-to-be-upset-about-a-petty-petty-thing#post-987152 Mon, 22 Jul 2013 01:16:14 +0000 DonnaF 987152@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Sounds like this thing is structured for exclusion until a woman somehow breaks in and her skill level is a known quantity -- which is virtually impossible in your case since you come from such a tiny class.&nbsp; I give you kudos for going.&nbsp; I'm wondering if there is any type of ice breaker/warm-up thingy they can do at the beginning?</p> <p>I avoided team sports; I never would have been picked.&nbsp; Modern dance doesn't have partners.&nbsp; Worked for me. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/so-ashamed-to-be-upset-about-a-petty-petty-thing#post-987138 Mon, 22 Jul 2013 00:51:22 +0000 Suz 987138@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I remember being the last one picked for the team. Actually, not picked at all....the teacher would add me and one or two others at the very end because no one had chosen us and the teams were full!&nbsp;</p> <p>Well, I absented myself from those situations as fast as I could, and didn't look back. See what courage you have, putting yourself out there when you know this can happen. Instead of being upset with yourself, I think you can be proud of yourself. You have done something admirable, and then something admirable again by taking charge of a situation that left you powerless.&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/so-ashamed-to-be-upset-about-a-petty-petty-thing#post-987127 Mon, 22 Jul 2013 00:41:16 +0000 lyn* 987127@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I agree with Dianthus, I think you're being very hard on yourself - I agree that even if "that's the way the system is" it's not a very good one, and I would hope that some of the men (note I didn't use gentlemen) would be more inclusive.</p> <p>I hope the next time you go it will be more fun </p>