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YouLookFab Forum » Topic: Schoolyard conflict - course of action? https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/schoolyard-conflict---course-of-action Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Sat, 25 Apr 2026 20:38:56 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 <![CDATA[Search]]> q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php Ornella on "Schoolyard conflict - course of action?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/schoolyard-conflict---course-of-action/page/2#post-1385915 Thu, 30 Oct 2014 11:38:22 +0000 Ornella 1385915@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Thanks again everyone for your input. I have wondered over and over again if I was blowing things out of proportions and one week break from school had come at the right time - it has helped us revisit the situation with calmer heads. I am possibly threading fine line (being a newbie in the smallish community) suddenly complaining about something people may find as just rough playing. I use word "just" because there is a lot of social and cultural differences involved, and I have seen that some things in my new country of living are acceptable as opposed to where I've lived before. Some good, some bad - overall, different.  I know what I want the teacher to know and what I expect from her, and most importantly - DS needs to know what sort of things are not tolerable, that we're standing behind him. IK :: excellent point about "what HE thinks HE can achieve"! I've tried introducing the concept to out conversations in general and find it amazing yet again what effect simply saying the words can lead towards. "How to Talk..." has been waiting on my bookshelf for a while to be read, it's now come to the top of the queue. The fact our episode had touched home with many tells me it's better to be safe than sorry. I've hoped for perspective and clarity when I started this thread. I got  a lot more, thank you. I hope this thread will be helpful to others too. Lucy on "Schoolyard conflict - course of action?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/schoolyard-conflict---course-of-action/page/2#post-1385258 Wed, 29 Oct 2014 02:38:57 +0000 Lucy 1385258@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I am a bit late to this discussion, but oh, do I feel for you. My DS, who is now aged nine, had a pretty bad bullying incident when he was seven. Fortunately one incident, where he was punched in the stomach by an older boy, was witnessed by a music teacher, and so action was taken swiftly, ie it wasn't a case of he said/she said. But even so, I did find the school took the issue extremely seriously, and I think the other child had a pretty long history of poor behaviour, and parents who, though well educated and nicely spoken, would not believe their son was ever wrong! We even had an email from the mother saying that my son was annoying and so deserved to be punched!!! In this case, I would definitely trust your instincts. When I look back, things were happening before the final incident, and I wish I had been able to pick up on the signs a bit earlier. So early action is good I think, to prevent things getting even worse. I really would alert the principal, because ultimately physical or verbal violence is not okay in schools, and they need to find ways and means to deal with your situation. The class teacher needs to be involved, of course, but I think it needs to go higher up as well. I must say I was really pleased with the way the school handled things for us, but I have heard other stories that were not so successful. But ultimately, as Una said, you are the best advocate for your child. I found keeping my cool with the school to be the best way - ie don't blame them, but work with them to come to a solution. I think it must be hard when parents come in all guns blazing, though it is our natural response I think!!! Best wishes for a good resolution , and hugs for you mum, it is a tough job some days. LAR101 on "Schoolyard conflict - course of action?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/schoolyard-conflict---course-of-action/page/2#post-1385160 Wed, 29 Oct 2014 00:12:07 +0000 LAR101 1385160@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/  I thought you might find this article helpful: <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/family/2009/08/bullies.2.html">http://www.slate.com/articles/.....ies.2.html</a> No, I don't think you are over-reacting at all.  I think you and your son are in a situation with a social bully where it is very easy to be confused by  manipulative and clever social tactics,  that would make anyone anxious.  Bully A's group seems like the sophisticated bullying of a middle school school girl group's  social bullying - and not knowing boys, I think that's remarkable.  It's actually hard to see how the troublemaker at the center, stirs up trouble and the bystanders who join in become deputies in bullying.  Educating yourself about the social roles the bullies, bystanders, victims, fools and upstanders can play,  will help you make sense of this, clarify your thinking and responses and stay one step ahead of the bully and his circle.  My daughter and I found the role descriptions in  "Queen Bee and Wanabees" helpful.  There is probably something more targeted to 8 year old boys but look for something that is targeted to 'social bullying' which is more sophisticated than straight forward bullying. Suz's comments about 'shutting out' are on target.  If you son had actually kicked or hurt one of the other kids he would be playing the part of the fool. The fool gets disciplined by the teachers, not the clever troublemaker and his deputies.  Good for your son to see through that.  What the trouble-makers group was offering was potential entry into the group, but it also sounds like they were looking for a fool to create trouble for them and then they might - or might not - drop him fast.  Good for your son to see through that, but now he might be or already is a target, too.  No deputy wants to risk loosing his place in the pack, by being an upstander.  Because this is a social group (like a pack of dogs) I think it will be helpful to enlist the intervention of the teacher, principal and maybe the school community.   So I would suggest reading and researching and trying to evaluate how knowledgable your teacher, principal and school is about bullying and looking into bringing this knowledge to their attention if needed. Maybe your teachers and principal have had excellent training but some adults haven't and  don't fully see the bullying that is in front of them and if they do, they are confounded by not having effective ways to deal with it.   When you talk with the teacher, administration etc,  you'll have to evaluate: 'Does this person get it?',  and if they do, 'Do they know what to do about it". ... "...  effective programs to deal with bullying have appeared only relatively recently. " *  They did not exist when I grew up and are only now becoming part of our cultural knowledge.  Understanding, stategies, books and programs on the topic are now available. There are programs offered to schools if your school hasn't yet had training.  Maybe Izzy's husband on the Council would help drive that if needed. *  I thought you might find this article helpful: <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/family/2009/08/bullies.2.html">http://www.slate.com/articles/.....ies.2.html</a> Other books to look at "The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystanders"  by Barbara Coloroso or something by Brazzleton - but I don't know if they're directed toward young boys. Oh, I second Suz's suggestion to read with your son books for kids about bullying.  We also found that helpful. Please let us know how it goes for you.  Good luck. ironkurtin on "Schoolyard conflict - course of action?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/schoolyard-conflict---course-of-action/page/2#post-1384935 Tue, 28 Oct 2014 16:00:50 +0000 ironkurtin 1384935@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Ornella, I empathize with your situation!  My daughter is starting to run into Mean Girl Baloney at her school and while there's no hitting, the mental games are super unpleasant. One thing I would ask is, what does your kid want done?  What solution does he see?  I am a big fan of "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk."  Active listening allows a child to feel heard without you deciding what the solution is and trying to make them follow it.  That way, whatever YOU decide is best, it takes into account what HE thinks HE can achieve, as well. It's really hard to do, the urge to just solve my kid's problems and tell her what to think/do is huge! But since she's the one on the front lines, she needs to be her own agent as well. Also, every school should have a no bullying policy. One kid tells other kids to hurt another kid is not OK, and the school needs to know what's happening. Gail on "Schoolyard conflict - course of action?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/schoolyard-conflict---course-of-action/page/2#post-1384934 Tue, 28 Oct 2014 16:00:46 +0000 Gail 1384934@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Sorry about your situation . I think that you are handling it well. Definitely go and talk to the teacher and take it further if you get no results. My son was bullied horribly in in elementary school and middle school. I deeply regret not being more proactive, I did go and talk to the teacher and the head teacher many times but not a whole lot was done.  I ended up pulling him out and sending him to a different school. To this day my son ( who is now 25 ) sometimes tells me about incidents that happened that I didn't know about! He says that he is still trying to forget about those terrible  years. gryffin on "Schoolyard conflict - course of action?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/schoolyard-conflict---course-of-action/page/2#post-1384871 Tue, 28 Oct 2014 13:59:24 +0000 gryffin 1384871@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Ornella - so sorry for DS's situation. You need to trust your mommy sense. There is a world of difference between playground skirmishes and true bullying. I am all for letting kids work out their own issues but true bullying is a completely different situation. From your description of A and the gang etc it sounds like you are deailing with the latter. I am not sure where you live but our school has a no tolerance anti-bullying campaign in full swing. My son was slapped and aggressively threatened by a girl in middle school. He came home insisting he needed to sleep with a baseball bat because she would come to the house to kill him. I immediately reported this to the guidance counselor. In NJ there are strict protocols, my child was interviewed, the other child was interviewed by guidance and the VP, other children present interviewed - once my son's story was confirmed the parents were called and brought in with the child. My son was then called down separately and told what was being done, assured that he was safe and also asked to help determine a course of action. I was proud when he told the VP he did not want the girl punished just made aware of how hurtful the behavior is and to make sure it did not happen again to any child. Does your school have a written protocol on bullying? Do you have a guidance dept? I find them the most helpful and you could meet with guidance and the teacher too. Although I do not believe in smother love or being a helicopter parent, I have a zero tolerance for bullying. Last year an 8th grader took his life over bullying. No child should be subjected to it and no one should feel the act of true harrassment and bullying is OK, ever. I think you need to listen to your mommy instincts. It's the school's job to see to the safety of the students - a bully makes the school unsafe, not just for your child but for every child. It's always difficult to "make waves." As women we spend most of our time "oiling those troubled waters." But persuing this sends a message to your child - that you trust the system - the teachers/staff are there to help him, you reinforce that the chain of command works, you exemplify that it's important to stick up for yourself and others if people are being hurtful, and that your son is valuable & honest and his concerns and discomfort are important. Anyway, that's my take for what it's worth. Huge hugs to you. I know it's so stressful right now but you will both get through it and hopefully to a much better place. Best of luck and hoping that you get the support and assistance you need to resolve the situation in a favorable way soon!! Eliza on "Schoolyard conflict - course of action?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/schoolyard-conflict---course-of-action#post-1384846 Tue, 28 Oct 2014 13:25:14 +0000 Eliza 1384846@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Ornella- sorry for this distressing situation.  It sounds like there is a possibility that the "ring leader" here is sophisticated in these pursuits.  Talking with teacher and stating that you want to share what your son's experience is so that he/she can put it context in order to create the best classroom environment makes sense to me.  In some schools, counselors in-house also do a great job of helping kids respond constructively in this situation, which limits their appeal as a target, gives them coping skills and creates a better atmosphere.  Some counselors do this informally with lunch groups, so that any stigma is minimized and some will develop or implement programs specifically for an entire classroom where this is an issue.  If this would help, I might seek out input beyond the teacher, though it is advantageous to work together with teacher on this if possible. Teacher might also have ideas about how to address this and deploy relevant school resources.  I always found it interesting to see how my two very different kids responded to those with troubling behavior.  My daughter had a girl in who in kindergarten and first grade would randomly choose a classmate to "strangle".  And when I had her demonstrate what that meant in this context, it was exactly as I feared.  Her response:  "X doesn't know how to sit in meeting."  This girl needed major interventions by age 7, so it is worth noting that there is a big difference between having a robust or a bit rougher personality and having early psychiatric issues that no classmates should be expected to manage.  Daughter's teacher was highly skilled at navigating this.   When son had similar issues with a boy in pre-school, his take on it was: "I think that he is not treated well at home and then comes to school and does what is done to him at home."  Found out son was right;  big brother picked on this other boy relentlessly as mother was ill and unable to intervene. His tendency to be deeply concerned for others made these issues more emotional for him than my pragmatic daughter.  I walked them through these issues in keeping with their perceptions and temperaments.  Agree that books and stories can help kids wrap their heads around these things.  While we want our kids the be resilient and able to opt out of problematic behaviors, these skills can take time to acquire and in some cases, without effective adult support at school, the issues are not in sync with what should be expected of younger kids.   All the best with this. Keep us posted.  Louise on "Schoolyard conflict - course of action?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/schoolyard-conflict---course-of-action#post-1384807 Tue, 28 Oct 2014 10:39:40 +0000 Louise 1384807@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Speaking as someone who works in a school you're doing the right thing by going in to speak to the teacher, well done on keeping a list of dates, times and incidents too. Parents often come in with vague wooly information then get up tight when we can't deal with their concern. The staff probably already have concerns but it is impossible to see everything all of the time so your going in will probably help. At my school our Head has a 'cause for concern book' as very often one persons info isn't enough to definitively mean there's a problem but put all the pieces together and you have a clearer picture so your info could be the final piece of the puzzle. Continue keeping a note of any further incidents and share with the teacher as needed x rachylou on "Schoolyard conflict - course of action?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/schoolyard-conflict---course-of-action#post-1384703 Tue, 28 Oct 2014 03:10:42 +0000 rachylou 1384703@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I agree doing both is a good idea, talking to the teacher/principal and your son developing a composed response. That response and assuredness is more than half the difference between getting picked on or not. Children are pretty cruel. Sal on "Schoolyard conflict - course of action?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/schoolyard-conflict---course-of-action#post-1384665 Tue, 28 Oct 2014 02:05:31 +0000 Sal 1384665@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ This sounds an upsetting situation, and you have handled it so well to date Ornella.  I think being calm and waiting is so wise.  I am the Board Chair of our local school where my son attends so I am coming at this from that angle. I would talk to the teacher first and give her a chance to address the problem.  I suspect she is aware of the personality of the child involved and there may already be a plan in place for him.  I would ask her what steps will be taken (will the child be supervised, will they talk to the parents).  You may not know exactly what they do from here but you want to feel reassured that your son (and others ) are safe. Every child has a right to feel safe at school, and schools need to have plans in place to ensure this happens.  In saying this, incidents can and do happen and have always happened.  I think every school and community can have isolated incidents, but when you start to get concerned is where there is a culture of bullying, or where incidents are ignored or washed under the carpet. If you do not get a satisfactory response I would then go to the principal or escalate the problem to school management.  But maybe all that is needed is a quiet calm conversation with the teacher to ensure this child and his group is watched very carefully.  In NZ there are all sorts of strategies and programs in place to encourage safe behaviour and positive interactions. Good luck!    Joyce B on "Schoolyard conflict - course of action?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/schoolyard-conflict---course-of-action#post-1384653 Tue, 28 Oct 2014 01:42:59 +0000 Joyce B 1384653@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ You already got very good advice, I agree with talking to the teacher but I would not wait and also go to the principal to make her aware of the situation and to see how she responds. In my children's school I was able to request for my child not to be in the same class as kids who were bulying them. Maybe you have that option, too. It's good that you found out about the situation at your boy's school so that you can help him out. TraceyLiz65 on "Schoolyard conflict - course of action?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/schoolyard-conflict---course-of-action#post-1384539 Mon, 27 Oct 2014 21:23:43 +0000 TraceyLiz65 1384539@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I told the school that I did not send my child to school to feel unsafe and that they had better make darn sure they provided it or I would go to every person above their head until someone was willing to ensure a safe environment for my son... They went guns blazing because they knew my husband and I would keep making a stink...  Be strong... Give the school a chance to deal with it. Be prepared for them to play a very political role, but also be aware that they may be more concerned than they show... Use your child as the thermometer for how well it's been resolved... Pay close attention, especially if his answers become more vague....Best of luck to you! catgirl on "Schoolyard conflict - course of action?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/schoolyard-conflict---course-of-action#post-1384440 Mon, 27 Oct 2014 18:29:21 +0000 catgirl 1384440@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Ornella, I have a few experiences with this kind of situation at my son's school and will PM you when I have more time. It is tough, but advocating for your child is the most important job we have as parents, as you are doing, so hang in there. As a side noteI volunteered in my son's class every week for years and was able to interact directly with the class bully. I did not ever scold or confront him directly, but just being there and even keeping him in line working with him on projects in class not only gave me insight into his own life and the reasons for his behavior, but allowed me to show him that I was right there for my own child and did not tolerate antics from anyone. Also, DS's school just did a great program on bullying where they talked about not being a bystander and things you can do if you see someone being bullied, right up to "come with me, someone needs to see you right away". I'll see if I can find a link because it offered concrete, realistic strategies when adults were not right there. Elle on "Schoolyard conflict - course of action?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/schoolyard-conflict---course-of-action#post-1384374 Mon, 27 Oct 2014 16:50:01 +0000 Elle 1384374@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ You seem to be handling this difficult situation very well.  This is not normal teasing or childhood arguments. It is important to put this situation in writing and to define what exactly you want to happen (monitoring your child and/or the bullies, better playground supervision, keeping this confidential etc).  You want to avoid making the teacher or school defensive, so focus on what needs to be done to protect your child and others.  Going to the teacher is an important first step and doing so with your husband is essential.  Schools sometimes try to deny problems and unfortunately take male voices more seriously. Bring in your time line of events so the teacher can see this is an ongoing problem.   If you don't get the response you want from the teacher, pursue this with administrators.  Good luck and let us know what happens.  Your family sound very strong and this will help your son more than anything. KikiG on "Schoolyard conflict - course of action?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/schoolyard-conflict---course-of-action#post-1384356 Mon, 27 Oct 2014 16:22:00 +0000 KikiG 1384356@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Absolutely report this to the the school officials, I'd ask to meet with the teacher and the principal or headmaster, jointly.  Do not use the word "bully," just describe the events.  Parents lose credibility when they label the behavior (to the point that calling someone a bully has become a form of being a bully.)  Sometimes it takes multiple reports before the "dots" get connected and the adults figure out a child.   Angie on "Schoolyard conflict - course of action?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/schoolyard-conflict---course-of-action#post-1384330 Mon, 27 Oct 2014 15:38:08 +0000 Angie 1384330@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Woooohoooo, Little Mr. O is practiced in martial arts. BRILLIANT.  Ornella, you (and Mr. O), have to do what you feel is best in your heart. You have thought this through SO thoroughly that whatever you decide to do next will be the right decision. Best of luck. xo Ornella on "Schoolyard conflict - course of action?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/schoolyard-conflict---course-of-action#post-1384326 Mon, 27 Oct 2014 15:28:08 +0000 Ornella 1384326@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ You're wise texstyle, thank you so much for your thoughts. I agree that standing up for him/herself is an important aspect of raising a child in general and we've put a lot of emphasis on having right to defend himself while never hurting others unprovoked, and this may be just an episode which is the important first point of figuring out the real world which is as is. There is no escaping the fact he had lived a protected life: surrounded by the people we chose to be friends with, and small, caring family circle he had zero exposure to anything aggressive or mean, but I know I can't - not want to - wrap him in the cotton wool, because as he grows so does the spectrum of people and situations he's exposed to.  We told him about specific things he can do in cases like the one he told us about and I could see he felt relaxed and 'equipped'. Thankfully, he's been training a form of Japanese martial arts for the past few months, which came very handy to deal with the aftermath of the schoolyard episode and make him feel he can be in control. In a strange way, I know this is not too bad for the very reason you mention. Learning some things at 8 is better than at 12 or 13 and I want to make the most of this situation by figuring out how to deal with things myself and to teach him what to pay attention to, which is partly why I started this thread. I can't express how thankful I am to everyone who shares experiences and thoughts.  texstyle on "Schoolyard conflict - course of action?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/schoolyard-conflict---course-of-action#post-1384284 Mon, 27 Oct 2014 14:52:14 +0000 texstyle 1384284@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I don't have children, but here's my take. I'm not sure how much the school will help you here unless there is a specific incident of physical harm or something. Still, I would l think it's better to try and teach your son how to deal with it as much as he can at 8, then to have something happen when he's 12 or 13. Regardless of what the school may or may not do, I would look into how to teach him to deal with the bullies one on one through the correct verbal and physical actions.Not fighting, but self defense and the correct "stance" when being confronted. Self confidence boosting can do wonders.  Outsmarting a bully in a way that makes them regret their bullying actions would be what I'd want to teach my child. Getting other kids in on the anti-bullying if possible would also seem good. It's hard to bully a group. If you have not yet met with the teachers/admin I would suggest that before you get into any discussion you have an agreement that anything you speak about would be held strictly confidential and that no names would be mentioned to others. Having Boy A's parents know who reported on their child might just make matters worse if they speak to Boy A about it in the wrong manner. Then he may retaliate, maybe even feeling he has his parent's blessing. Michelle on "Schoolyard conflict - course of action?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/schoolyard-conflict---course-of-action#post-1384218 Mon, 27 Oct 2014 11:59:30 +0000 Michelle 1384218@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Oh Ornella, that is definitely a tough situation. My advice is limited, not being a parent, but I have been in the position of a bullied child in a school that handled the situation very, very poorly. In whatever meetings you pursue, I would be very clear as to what actions you do and don't want taken with respect to your son. Sometimes the ill effects of the public scrutiny can be right on parr with the bullying itself. I suspect you're right to raise a red flag on Boy A, though. He sounds like he may have the makings of genuinely bad news, but may also be alright if steps are taken before it's too late. Best of luck with this and hug your son for me. He's so lucky to have a parent like you who took his story seriously from the get-go. That, too, is more important than I can express. And that's experience talking.  Your reply Suz on "Schoolyard conflict - course of action?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/schoolyard-conflict---course-of-action#post-1384217 Mon, 27 Oct 2014 11:59:17 +0000 Suz 1384217@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Astrid, that is a very common scenario with girls, in particular. That is one major way they bully -- by shutting someone out of the group.  Ornella, most of the books we read had female protagonists since DD is a girl, but if DS is old enough for Harry Potter you could do worse than to start on that.  The worst part of this for your DS (or any of the other kids they may be targeting) is that this particular type of bullying makes a child feel worse about himself in multiple ways. If he does not do as they say, he risks being rejected and/or physically hurt. If he does what they command, he is going to feel guilty and soiled and terrible about himself. And maybe powerful, too, which will make him extremely confused. It is insidious. It sounds like a recipe for building a gang -- which I am sure the school would want to avoid. Or they ought to.  Astrid on "Schoolyard conflict - course of action?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/schoolyard-conflict---course-of-action#post-1384204 Mon, 27 Oct 2014 10:19:59 +0000 Astrid 1384204@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Thanks Ornella. He's eighteen now, so this is long behind him. I actually was bullied in primary school too, but it was a bit of a different scenario than yours. I had my group of friends turning on me from one day to the next. We moved there and then away again just before and after the end of my primary school days, so I haven't seen these people since I was ten. Until this day I have no idea why they did what they did. I don't think there was any reason in it. I don't have many clear memories from that time, but I still remember the first incident and how bewildered and hurt I was. I remember running home and crying for a long time while my mum was holding me. I think you and DH both are doing all you can. The most important thing for your son is to know you're there for him. Deborah on "Schoolyard conflict - course of action?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/schoolyard-conflict---course-of-action#post-1384196 Mon, 27 Oct 2014 09:18:10 +0000 Deborah 1384196@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Ornella, just wanted to say you are a great mum and in my limited parenting experience, the important thing is that your son feels he can always talk to you and share what's happening in his life, Sounds like you are creating and nurturing a beautiful relationship with your your young man. Ornella on "Schoolyard conflict - course of action?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/schoolyard-conflict---course-of-action#post-1384185 Mon, 27 Oct 2014 08:06:48 +0000 Ornella 1384185@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Thank you all. I knew I'd have clearer idea what to focus on and what to ask form school after sharing this episode with you. You are right in saying I'm lucky he talked to me (us). Astrid :: Thank you for the valuable heads up that teachers can handle (or not situations) improperly and in front of the whole class. It's something I'll insist on DS is spared from. I'm sorry about your brother, I can only imagine how it must have felt being blamed for the situation. This is one of my main concerns, DS still has learn how to talk himself out of something because he's stunned by the very concept of the truth being twisted. Kids at this age are so sensitive to injustice and introducing the concept that there people, kids included, out there who are not nice for no obvious reason and we simply can't know when they'll strike is more often on our agenda. I am well aware my boy will have to learn many things the hard way, but I also feel relieved this was caught early enough. caro :: I absolutely agree that this needs to be nipped in the bud for the sake of all the kids involved. And yes, I will make sure I talk about my own concerns  without putting blame on anyone. Angie :: I agree that overprotecting is not the right course of action, I normally let the kids sort things out between themselves whenever possible and I know some things will happen which will simply be had to swallow. It IS part of growing up. But, I've already noticed some warning signs (by now I'm functional but still not fluent in language, which has sharpened further my inclination to monitor - and trust - a lot of non-verbal clues) and looking back I had reason to flag the teacher a loot sooner. Dianthus :: in writing. Check. I hope I'm not missing something when I say my son is far from being afraid to go to school - but knowing how little bullies can take things too far if not shown there are borders or consequences in place, I am not prepared to wait for bigger incidents.  Isabel :: I have hopes things can be sorted well before the principal's involvement. But I see your point. Sveta :: I understand it's part of growing up, for boys especially. DH and I both told our DS that we had similar kids or situations to deal with, and what we did to deal with it.  Suz :: it's an excellent advice, thank you. We make bedtime stories up lately and I'll focus on getting the right message across. I'll also look up some titles (recommendations welcome) Deborah :: sending hugs. It's such a difficult balance to strike, isn't it? I didn't like hearing the other parents were unreasonable in the past, but they are not my concern - it's their responsibility that their kid behaves properly at school. I hope for your positive outcome. Neel :: Better safe than sorry, I agree. And yes, our kids need to see we take them seriously and will stand up for them. Every situation is a lesson and presents potential to learn something from it. We praised DS a lot for sharing things with us, telling him it's so important we know who the naughty kids are so they can be stopped. Neel on "Schoolyard conflict - course of action?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/schoolyard-conflict---course-of-action#post-1384169 Mon, 27 Oct 2014 06:41:59 +0000 Neel 1384169@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Ornella ... Poor you and DS Hugs to you both. I think you are on the right track so far. DS is one of the youngest in class and smallest too. Being Indians it is just normal to be the smaller of the lot in the entire class of Europeans and Arabs! During sports day we observed one of the bigger boys in the class pushing him, poking him, catching him by the neck and shaking him up. Being just a five year old at that time he didn't really realize he was being bullied. I doubt the other child *wanted* to bully him either. But it sure was a sign of a bully in the making. DS late that night complained of neck pain .... And when questioned he said a boy had held his neck. We knew and had seen what had happened and decided we needed to nip the problem when it was a bud. We approached the class teacher (regular) and told her about the issue. She assured us and DS that she would speak to the parents (which she did because we received an email from her a few days later) and if ever the child did that to DS again ... He has to come back and tell her. Thankfully it never happened again. Meanwhile, I made sure I told DS how to deal with it. Walk off from a bully and ask them to stop in a stern loud voice. I still take DS's every *story* seriously and enquire about it now and then to know and gauge the intensity of the situation. Yes, children do magnify and dramatize things, but I do not wish to be the mother who regretted later that she ignored the warning signs until it was too late. Better safe than sorry. My advice would be to approach the regular teacher asap. If not, go higher and make sure this bullying stops. Sure we cannot wrap our kids in cotton wool .... But equipping them with the knowledge that their parents will stand by them AND act when they approach them with a problem is a necessary life lesson. You are a wonderful mother for helping your son through this :). Do whatever is in your power to do what you think is right. A mother's instinct is usually right Deborah on "Schoolyard conflict - course of action?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/schoolyard-conflict---course-of-action#post-1384160 Mon, 27 Oct 2014 06:10:02 +0000 Deborah 1384160@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Ornella, sending hugs firstly to you. We are facing some similar issues at the moment so you have my empathy and understanding. Putting it all in writing is a great first step, it helps to maintain balance and manage emotions. In our situation, it took a week to finally get all the details from Master 11, gently chatting and asking questions and reading when he was in a good place to talk about it. I then emailed the teacher and the head of primary. My expectation is that schools have a zero tolerance for bullying and that should be reflected in their policies. The boys involved should all be spoken to and given an opportunity to provide an account of what is happening/has happened, and possibly a group meeting between the children to promote understanding, discussion of respect and acceptable behaviour etc. At our school the school chaplain is involved and is strongly reflecting the school values and the importance of conducting oneself by those values. In the first instance I have requested my son be moved from one subject to another to remove him from the perpetrators, who are older boys (he has been reassigned). I work very hard at maintaining a gracious and balanced approach but I don't stop until I get a result that I am happy with. I view the teachers as our partners in our children's education and it's my right to be actively involved in both the positive and the negative situations. Violence and physical aggression are never ok and personally I don't think they should be tolerated at school. I expect my school to ensure my child is safe while at school. Sorry, this is a sensitive issue for me at the moment. I encourage you to continue a dialogue with the school. Don't worry about the other child's parents, they are not your concern, the school should be working with them. Ornella, children that are unable to respect the basic values of our school, and the community, will be assisted, and encouraged with a view to achieving a positive resolution, however if that is not the outcome, they are asked to leave the school. Suz on "Schoolyard conflict - course of action?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/schoolyard-conflict---course-of-action#post-1384140 Mon, 27 Oct 2014 04:53:46 +0000 Suz 1384140@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Ornella, these situations are always so very difficult. Big hugs -- your mama instincts are right; from the sounds of things, it may be a complicated discussion ahead of you.  I'm so glad your son was able to talk with you about this. That is really important and your reception will have helped him to feel safer and less alone. I hope the other adults will find a way to step in to stop this bullying and pressure before it gets truly out of hand.  When my daughter was facing quite a lot of bullying and meanness from other kids, I often found it helpful to choose stories for our reading where that was a theme and the protagonist emerged intact, stronger, even victorious. Reading this type of story together helped her feel supported and even may have helped her problem solve, yet it didn't involve a direct discussion, which sometimes she was feeling too vulnerable to engage in. (Like your son, she is fortunately very open, but there are times when you just want to "forget" it at home....the stories were an indirect way to explore the fears and solutions.)  Sveta on "Schoolyard conflict - course of action?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/schoolyard-conflict---course-of-action#post-1384071 Mon, 27 Oct 2014 02:06:36 +0000 Sveta 1384071@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Ornella, first - hugs! You are going through a difficult situation with your child and need all wisdom and strength you can master. Good thing is that your child speaks with you and does not hold it to himself. This is the most important thing right now. I would definitely talk to a teacher. This A boy sounds like a kind which can grow into a real cunning bully and the sooner it is taken under control the better. The fact that he is sweet to adults and a brute to kids is very disturbing. It is normal for boys to have fights from time to time, this is how they grow into men but what you describe sounds like a promising bullying career to me. I hope the school can do something about this. What about your husband? He should be able to relate to this incident better than you can as he was a boy himself. Does your son confide in him as well - he may need this male support at this time. You are right to be concerned and act on your concern in situation like this. bj1111 on "Schoolyard conflict - course of action?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/schoolyard-conflict---course-of-action#post-1384044 Mon, 27 Oct 2014 01:26:10 +0000 bj1111 1384044@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Ornella, dreadful situation for your boy and for you.  no additional words of wisdom.  here to listen.  you are not overreacting. Isabel on "Schoolyard conflict - course of action?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/schoolyard-conflict---course-of-action#post-1384041 Mon, 27 Oct 2014 01:23:54 +0000 Isabel 1384041@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Wow, this is tough.  I think that you are making the right call in how you have handled it.   If he is doing this at 8, it shows and incredible depth for manipulation for bad things.   But first,  I wouldn't be going to a teacher.  I would be going to the social worker or counselor or nurse or the principal.  Anyone but the teacher.  Tell them your observations and that this is really troubling.  I would say that I wouldn't want the responsibility just on my shoulders and that is why you are sharing it with them in the hopes, that as professionals, they have some sort of idea what to do.  I agree that Izzy should also go and anyone else that you know of. Ideally, each boy should be talked to individually by someone at the school who is not the teacher and see what they say.   Please keep us posted.   cheryle (Dianthus) on "Schoolyard conflict - course of action?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/schoolyard-conflict---course-of-action#post-1384037 Mon, 27 Oct 2014 01:19:06 +0000 cheryle (Dianthus) 1384037@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Ornella, you are right to deal with the teacher and if there is no improvement, I would take it to the school administrator.  Children need to learn that they can't behave in that manner and the ones being bullied need to feel secure and protected by the adults in charge.  I would go so far as to put it in writing to the principal or school board.  Once the concerns are expressed in writing, if they don't take adequate precautions to protect children and something happens, the school can be held liable.  In a bureaucracy, this is often the impetus to spur change. Good luck.  I hope you are able to resolve the situation quickly.  No child should be afraid to go to school and no parent should have to worry about their child's safety at school.