https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/sahms-race-and-dressing-an-interesting-article Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Mon, 27 Apr 2026 19:25:46 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/sahms-race-and-dressing-an-interesting-article#post-388049 Wed, 20 Jul 2011 00:27:22 +0000 MsMary 388049@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I've been thinking about this some more, and I agree with Jonesy and others that you can't always help the stray thoughts that pop into your head, but for the love of God, people, not every thought needs to be verbalized! Filters: they're a good thing. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/sahms-race-and-dressing-an-interesting-article#post-387917 Tue, 19 Jul 2011 20:56:00 +0000 taylor 387917@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I ditto everything Mary k said so superbly!</p> <p>I live in a pretty racially mixed area of California too and that question would never occur to me.</p> <p>I will add when i was strolling my 2 babies around I was asked VERY often if I was the babysitter...and if my children had the same father...one was blonde/ blue the other blk/brown...I attribute that to the<br /> ~look~ I was sporting at the time...a little punk... the early 80's ...very short spiked hair. I am small, but I was 28 so I was no teen. My point being, it may not always be a color issue, could also be an overall~ look~</p> <p>I wonder ...do people care less if it is said to me because I am not a person of color...does it make the comment any less offensive/hurful/rude? </p> <p>yea, I didn't get paid either!. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/sahms-race-and-dressing-an-interesting-article#post-387898 Tue, 19 Jul 2011 20:11:35 +0000 catgirl 387898@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Honestly I just laugh now. I've thought of saying "I don't get paid anything! Can you believe it?!?" just to see the reaction. It happens less now that he's older, since he is less often with me in "nanny-like" situations like the park, and more often at parent-child events like soccer or basketball practice. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/sahms-race-and-dressing-an-interesting-article#post-387894 Tue, 19 Jul 2011 20:08:07 +0000 Queen Mum 387894@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>UNbelievable Una! Not only are they rude in verbalizing their assumption that you're the nanny, but then to have the gall to inquire as to your salary? People never cease to amaze me! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/sahms-race-and-dressing-an-interesting-article#post-387893 Tue, 19 Jul 2011 20:05:30 +0000 catgirl 387893@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>QM, people have actually asked me how much I get PAID for watching my kid. I've learned to smile mysteriously and say "Not NEARLY enough." </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/sahms-race-and-dressing-an-interesting-article#post-387889 Tue, 19 Jul 2011 20:03:34 +0000 Queen Mum 387889@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I guess I don't live in an affluent enough area to have the mindset that kids I see at the park are being cared for by nannies. But even if I did suspect that the caregiver was a nanny, I cannot imagine making that statement out loud. I would always err on the side of assuming the gal is the mother and letting her correct me. </p> <p>I do have a friend who is hispanic, her husband caucasian, and her children moderately fair skinned. She says that she often gets asked if she is the nanny.... that always makes my jaw drop. REALLY, people actually ask you that?!? And the funniest thing about their situation is that HE speaks fluent spanish... she doesn't speak a lick. That always baffles people. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/sahms-race-and-dressing-an-interesting-article#post-387880 Tue, 19 Jul 2011 19:49:46 +0000 rachylou 387880@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Annoying, offensive reality. And you know, it reflects not only matters of race and class, but also gender. No one would assume a man pushing a stroller is "just the nanny." </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/sahms-race-and-dressing-an-interesting-article#post-387845 Tue, 19 Jul 2011 18:55:44 +0000 nicoleb 387845@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>That was kind of a sad article to read. On a whole i find that the general public and their assumptions are not a good thing. I'm not sure what else you can really do except be strong and confident in who you are and teach your kids the same thing? </p> <p>Not a race issue obviously but as a young mom who looks young for my age I've gotten the baby sitter comment too. The best one i've ever gotten though was when i was a waitress and i was talking to a table about my son for some reason and one lady speaks up and says, "I'm a high school teacher so i'm always interested in children having children in the school system." O.o I was like, ".........well that's nice but that doesn't apply to me." You know what they say about people who assume! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/sahms-race-and-dressing-an-interesting-article#post-387843 Tue, 19 Jul 2011 18:48:19 +0000 Jonesy 387843@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I think the offensiveness comes from people actually confronting her about her legitimacy as her daughter's mother! Like somehow this perfect stranger knows, with certainty, that they are not related, that the author is lying. And the offensiveness of stereotypes, again voiced publicly. I mean, I do understand that people tend to make knee-jerk assumptions in their heads about things they see. This happens all the time, especially when you see something that conforms (or seems to conform) to something that you have seen maybe 50 times before. But even then you can still have this opposing voice in your head that says "maybe not." But it's another thing to actually *say* what you're thinking, to voice your stereotype or assumption, to the face of the person you're stereotyping, IMO. </p> <p>I think the stuff about how you should dress like you're the mom vs. the nanny is all about class. Like you should demonstrate that you're middle or upper income (and thus presumed to be the mom) by your clothes, accessories, etc. so as not to be mistaken for the nanny (who is understood or presumed to be lower income). The suggestion is that your class position should trump your race/ethnicity position, but I don't think it always works that way. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/sahms-race-and-dressing-an-interesting-article#post-387839 Tue, 19 Jul 2011 18:40:26 +0000 RoseandJoan 387839@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I have read the article and have been left despairing. Una I am sorry you have experienced this type of prejudice first hand, I guess some people live within a bubble and only know what they have experienced first hand. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/sahms-race-and-dressing-an-interesting-article#post-387826 Tue, 19 Jul 2011 18:02:59 +0000 catgirl 387826@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Jonesy, interesting! Very few people in Alaska have nannies, so I most often encounter this situation when we travel. I carry my son's birth certificate with me, as the airport staff will often ask him if I am his mother. Once we were leaving through Newark after visiting my family back east and he was really upset about leaving them - I had to drag him through the airport as he was screaming "I want to go back to my FAMILY!" You can imagine how that looked. :-/</p> <p>Another Indian friend was visiting her sister in New York, and her sister warned her to wear nice clothes or she would be mistaken for the nanny of her (half-Caucasian) kids... </p> <p>I don't know if I find it offensive, just puzzling. My first assumption is that kids are with their parents. And who knows, maybe the nanny would take offense at being thought the parent of the child she's watching? What I found interesting was the idea that dressing better would take you out of "nanny" and into "mom" territory - especially with all the discussion we have here about dressing for life as a SAHM - when I'm out with my kid, my goal is NOT to dress like I just came from the office! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/sahms-race-and-dressing-an-interesting-article#post-387733 Tue, 19 Jul 2011 15:08:26 +0000 Jonesy 387733@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I just had time to read the article. I think what is most appalling to me are the comments people make to her and her daughter. It seems like it happens with some frequency! The cab driver who says, right to their faces: "You can't be her mother." The author is grappling with and exposing all of the general Latina/o stereotypes and prejudices, but then also dealing with the more direct mother-nanny-child ones. </p> <p>Sociologists who study race, ethnicity, assimilation, etc. talk about the level of "visibility" a group has. Literally, it means how different people are in terms of physical appearance from the white majority. Generally speaking, the greater your visibility, the greater the difficulty in "passing," the more discrimination and prejudice you will experience, and the least amount of assimilation. Of course, race/ethnicity are deeply entwined with class and gender too.</p> <p>The author is "visible" and her daughter is not. People, apparently, cannot make sense of this, and actually feel comfortable saying absolutely rude and outrageous things to her and her daughter. A close friend of mine from college is Pakistani, with fair skin, green eyes, and black hair. She lives in NYC with her spouse, who is Polish, fair, blonde, blue eyes. Their daughter's coloring favors her father, and my friend used to get mistaken for her nanny a lot when they were out and about. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/sahms-race-and-dressing-an-interesting-article#post-387349 Mon, 18 Jul 2011 22:31:12 +0000 Aida 387349@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Mmm as a minority I just generally assume people are NOT making assumptions about my race (Arab-Armenian); it's easier and really, if they are thinking something bad about me because of my race, I just don't care to waste my time on small people with small thoughts. If it becomes a vocal or visible thing I will happily put them in their place, but otherwise it's not worth it. And I really don't think MOST people think on it.</p> <p>EDIT: I suppose it helps that I don't take myself so seriously; I'm not defined by my race. People say stupid things all the time, including me. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/sahms-race-and-dressing-an-interesting-article#post-387346 Mon, 18 Jul 2011 22:27:09 +0000 Freckles 387346@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Sigh.</p> <p>What a stupid comment the father made!</p> <p>If the father had apologized for making a wrong assumption, stuck out his hand and introduced himself that would have still been offensive but so totally not the same. Reality in this and other areas are usually made when you make an assumption. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/sahms-race-and-dressing-an-interesting-article#post-387232 Mon, 18 Jul 2011 20:11:42 +0000 Aziraphale 387232@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>You don't get that a lot where I live, but I have yet to meet a nanny here (people are more likely to send their kids to daycare or stay home), and anyway Vancouver has a large variety of ethnicities. I think caucasian makes up the largest fraction, but barely -- maybe half? (And it's not necessarily the wealthiest fraction, either. When Hong Kong got handed back to China in 1992, huge numbers of their very affluent residents immigrated to Vancouver, bringing money with them). </p> <p>However, we used to live in Marin County (just outside San Fran), where the population could be neatly divided into "white" or "Latino", and I was horrified by the way that the Latino population was viewed as basically second-class. Many were illegal Mexican immigrants, so maybe that was part of it, but I remember how if you passed a Latino on the street, he would quickly avert his eyes and look down, as if hoping not to be noticed. Anyway, I can remember many a day at the park with my blond, blue-eyed, fair-skinned daughter and a whole horde of other blond, fair-skinned toddlers and I was literally the ONLY non-Latino adult there. I met a lot of lovely Latina nannies, and I can certainly imagine how a middle-class Latina mom could easily be mistaken for a nanny there!</p> <p>So, to answer your question -- unfortunately, I think it is reality, and yes, it's also offensive. I won't ever be in that position myself (my husband and I both have the lightest of light blue eyes and fair skin, plus the kids look like a computer-generated morph of the two of us -- we're clearly a family), but I can sympathize with the writer's frustration. I think she and the other dad handled it well. We need to teach kids not to make assumptions. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/sahms-race-and-dressing-an-interesting-article#post-387216 Mon, 18 Jul 2011 19:34:53 +0000 chewyspaghetti 387216@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I don't know, I have heard so many stories about people who assume someone else is thinking/doing something based on X Y or Z, and I wonder if it's really true. You don't really know what someone else is thinking most of the time. If you are in a higher income area (like Manhattan), and you are young- some people are probably going to assume you're a nanny, especially if it's a week day. I've had people assume I was a nanny (and I am as white looking as can be)- both when I was and when I wasn't. In some areas it's rare to see a solo mom with a child out during business hours, and most people have nannies- that may play more into it than race, but who knows. I guess I have a different viewpoint about ethnicity though, because I grew up as a white minority. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/sahms-race-and-dressing-an-interesting-article#post-387207 Mon, 18 Jul 2011 19:23:32 +0000 rae 387207@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I have not experienced this exact situation but, when my sister and I went out to visit our Very Lithuanian father where he lives in Missouri, I couldn't believe the amount of disapproving stares we received while going about our business around town. I can only assume people thought he was a dirty old man, living it up with a young polynesian girl on each arm. -_-</p> <p>Personally, I enjoy upending people's assumptions about me. Then again, I'm a bit perverse, so I think part of it is that I enjoy shaming others for their ignorance. Then again, I don't have a child to consider. </p> <p>The important thing IMO is not to worry about how others see you but to make sure that the child is educated and secure in his/her knowledge that 1) this IS my mama, 2) not all kids look like their parents, and 3) not all non-whites are sitters. My friends try to do this by pointing out similar situations with celebs and even animals - e.g. "That gray kitty is the orange kitten's mama, just like I'm YOUR mama." </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/sahms-race-and-dressing-an-interesting-article#post-387175 Mon, 18 Jul 2011 18:28:51 +0000 Steph 387175@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Okay, now I read the article, and that is so disturbing. People say such unbelievably ridiculous things. I mean, for the father of that child to say "we don't know any Hispanics who aren't nannies," or whatever he said? Unbelievable. It's a credit to her that she was so friendly and gracious in response. </p> <p>I obviously think it's very offensive, but I also think she's right when she says it is reflects reality as well. Is it less likely that people would assume she were the nanny if she were wearing high heels and looked like she was going to a high-powered office job? Probably. Does that make the assumptions and the comments okay? Absolutely not. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/sahms-race-and-dressing-an-interesting-article#post-387171 Mon, 18 Jul 2011 18:24:25 +0000 MsMary 387171@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Great point about white privilege, Dash!</p> <p>I'd say it both incredibly offensive and completely reality.</p> <p>Here in So Cal we have so many mixed-ethnicity families that I would like to think I don't assume anything about who's related to whom in what way. On the other hand, if you go to the park during working hours and see 100 little blond kids with 100 darker-skinned women, it's quite likely that 90-plus of the women are indeed going to be nannies. On the third hand, 90-plus is not 100, so see "I don't assume anything," above.</p> <p>And yes, in the photo Ms. Arce is dressed very very casually indeed. (Yes, even if the hoodie says "Harvard," it's still a hoodie and it's very very casual and one might legitimately assume it was purchased on the street in Times Square.) If she were wearing one of Angie's MOTG outfits, I daresay she would be mistaken for the nanny less often. </p> <p>If she and I were talking about this in her kitchen, I might say "I totally get that this is TOTALLY the issue of the ignorant people who are acting so boorishly towards you and your daughter. But... I can also see that it bothers you. And although it is in no way your job tochange one. single. thing. about yourself in the hopes of mitigating the racist reactions of others, I might timidly suggest that if your clothing were more similar in style and quality to your daughter's adorable outfits, they might say 'I'm the mommy' a bit louder than your current jeans, tees and hoodies do. Because, you know, not all that many nannies wear Paige jeans and Frye boots at the park. Again, only if it would make YOU feel more comfortable. Because in my view, you are fine the way you are and it's the ignorant idiots who have the problem." </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/sahms-race-and-dressing-an-interesting-article#post-387169 Mon, 18 Jul 2011 18:19:56 +0000 catgirl 387169@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Steph, I wondered about that. Yahoo is the same way, as is our local newspaper online. I never comment because of that - I wonder if sane people just stay away from commenting in general! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/sahms-race-and-dressing-an-interesting-article#post-387167 Mon, 18 Jul 2011 18:17:20 +0000 Dashrashi 387167@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Ucch, effing horrible. If you need an example of where white privilege exists, there's one. How often are you assumed to be hired help instead of your child's mother? Never? There you go. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/sahms-race-and-dressing-an-interesting-article#post-387158 Mon, 18 Jul 2011 18:05:00 +0000 Steph 387158@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I haven't had a chance to read the article yet, but just had to say that the comments on cnn.com are always HORRIBLE, no matter the subject matter of the article. I don't know why, but they seem to draw a racist, hateful, miserable group of people (most of whom can't spell). I try to avoid them unless I really want to get riled up. People.com used to be similar, but they blocked commenting awhile ago (my guess is for this specific reason). </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/sahms-race-and-dressing-an-interesting-article#post-387153 Mon, 18 Jul 2011 17:54:16 +0000 Di 387153@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Holy crap-- ouch. Yes, offensive.</p> <p>My latina best friend in high school is the daughter of an ambassador-- I'm SERIOUSLY outclassed by her. She's very petite, but married to a 6'4" blue-eyed blond man, and people constantly tell her that her baby can't be hers. So beyond obnoxious. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/sahms-race-and-dressing-an-interesting-article#post-387136 Mon, 18 Jul 2011 17:34:20 +0000 catgirl 387136@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>This article was posted by a friend of mine on Facebook. The situation the author describes has happened to me, usually when I am dressed casually at the park or something. What was interesting was how many people in the comments (and many of them are quite offensive) suggested that if this woman dressed differently, people wouldn't mistake her for her daughter's nanny. </p> <p>SAHMs and others, what are your thoughts? Obviously, race plays a huge role here too, and moms whose kids look like them probably don't find themselves in this situation. Offensive, reality, or both? </p> <p><a href="http://www.cnn.com/2011/OPINION/07/18/arce.latino.mother/index.html" rel="nofollow">http://www.cnn.com/2011/OPINIO.....index.html</a> </p>