YouLookFab Forum » Topic: Registry Guilt

YouLookFab Forum » Topic: Registry Guilt https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/registry-guilt Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Mon, 27 Apr 2026 09:48:16 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 <![CDATA[Search]]> q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php DonnaF on "Registry Guilt" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/registry-guilt/page/2#post-1185712 Wed, 05 Mar 2014 23:37:52 +0000 DonnaF 1185712@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I think registries are helpful to relatives and friends of the couples' parents, IOW, folks who don't know the couple well.  I, however, hate registries where the cheapest thing is $100.  I am not a china and crystal person, so I like registries at Target, Home Depot, and even BB&B.  They also give one an idea of the couple's tastes. Sona on "Registry Guilt" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/registry-guilt/page/2#post-1185231 Wed, 05 Mar 2014 16:24:18 +0000 Sona 1185231@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/  I have a slightly different take on it: As a newly married couple I knew the thing we wanted and needed the most  of all from wedding guests were their good wishes and blessings most of all.after all one out of every two weddings in the U.S appears to end in divorce. All it took was my overhearing one too many conversations at the salon or coffee shop that went somewhat like this " I have to go to another wedding this weekend and I don't even know the couple so well. But the groom was my husband's  college roommate and he insists on going. And the gift set us back almost $50". That was it. It wasn't happening. Not to say that people did not try to force a few checks on us (destroyed later by us). I can tell you that our guests had a wicked good time at our two day nuptials: henna and music on day one and ceremony and reception on day two. We splurged on DJ, photographer, top shelf open bar both days and amazing food. My parents threw an impromptu brunch even the next morning for departing guests But showing our guests a fab time was a priority for me. I will say that no guest registry and a  fab experience for wedding guests were my requirements not necessarily my hubby's but he went along with it. When his younger brother got married the next year they did have a gift registry. But it was not as much as having guilt about asking for gifts as it was about not wanting anyone to have to stress about $$. We did receive some presents at our first anniversary or people took us to dinner later in the year. We did keep our wedding small :220 people which is minuscule by the usual 500-750 invitees at many Indian American weddings. I am sorry that I got off on a tangent and rambled on. Back to the point at hand.... I would suggest that try and keep your minimum price point for gifts quite low. This should help. Freckles on "Registry Guilt" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/registry-guilt/page/2#post-1184194 Tue, 04 Mar 2014 15:34:47 +0000 Freckles 1184194@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I adore weddings and really appreciate when people use gift registries.  Even if you don't buy something from the store on the registry it gives the invitee a glimpse into your taste. It sure was a lot of fun shopping for/buying my nephew a tent for his wedding gift along with a few other sundries.  I have lived through many years of leaky tents and know a few things about them.  I do believe he has a better tent than we ever had but it is years of experience that lead to this.  We bought it a bit bigger than they wanted (included gift receipt, warranty etc with the specification no trouble exchanging and we would not be bugged) but two children later it is perfect.  Wedding gifts are for life not just a moment.  I adore using the engraved champagne glasses we received as a wedding each anniversary, etc. although I hadn't even heard of them beforehand and did not put on registry. Registries also allow a group of people (work) to pool their resources to get that one really spendy item.  I've always appreciated this for people I don't know as well. Registries have changed over the years but I have always appreciated them to help me make my gift choices. Guilt is a natural part of this but really a good tool for invitees.  Congrats and have fun. Aquamarine on "Registry Guilt" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/registry-guilt/page/2#post-1183691 Tue, 04 Mar 2014 00:30:30 +0000 Aquamarine 1183691@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Please register....it really is helpful for people who want to give you a gift that you want to receive. But please don't ask anyone to contribute to your honeymoon fund as a gift "option." And please don't forget to write thank you cards afterwards, both for the shower and wedding gifts. Can you tell I am a bit peeved at various people right now? Kristin L on "Registry Guilt" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/registry-guilt#post-1183405 Mon, 03 Mar 2014 18:52:34 +0000 Kristin L 1183405@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Don't worry MaryK. There will be no mention on my invitations about the registry. That's not something the people in my family do. My guilt was more along the lines of justifying asking for things if they want to give DF and I a gift.  MsMary on "Registry Guilt" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/registry-guilt#post-1183341 Mon, 03 Mar 2014 17:22:29 +0000 MsMary 1183341@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ The proper way is via word of mouth.  You ask the bride or groom or a family member or member of the wedding party.  I do think wedding web sites with that info are handy!  rachylou on "Registry Guilt" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/registry-guilt#post-1183316 Mon, 03 Mar 2014 16:52:09 +0000 rachylou 1183316@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Ohmigosh, I can't remember. How do people find out where you're registered without the internet? What's the proper way? (I'm losing it in my old age!) Anyhoo, the guilt is right and proper. It should move you to list items at all price points. Also, don't forget, weddings are a contact sport. It's not just about the shame of the bride and groom working it for all it's worth - it's also about the shame of the guests ripping the bride and groom's tastes to shreds. OMG, I can't stand it. I love weddings. They're so much fun. You. Must. Register. Anonymous on "Registry Guilt" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/registry-guilt#post-1183207 Mon, 03 Mar 2014 14:26:06 +0000 Anonymous 1183207@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Don't feel guilty! Think of it as doing your guests a huge favor if they want to give a gift. I'm one of those guests who Always Sticks to the Registry. My sister and my BFF are the only people who have gotten off-registry gifts from me, just because I knew their likes/dislikes/wants/needs so well. Even for my close friends, I can't assume that I am perfectly attuned to what they find useful. I agree with many of the comments above. Even with a registry, DH and I still received some gifts that were off the mark and just didn't fit our lifestyle and preferences at all. But for 10 long years, I felt too guilty to get rid of them and thought *maybe* we'd use them someday, so they sat in our basement taking up space until DH decided he'd had enough. I still feel bad about that. Meanwhile, the very utilitarian things we registered for (like potholders) are still going strong and get used every day. Mander on "Registry Guilt" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/registry-guilt#post-1183137 Mon, 03 Mar 2014 12:01:01 +0000 Mander 1183137@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I'm pretty easygoing with this kind of thing. I figure if someone puts in on their registry it's something that they need or really really want, even if it's not a traditional "wedding" item.  For example, I could imagine the Ann Taylor request as being to buy a new interview suit as the bride is going to graduate from college just after the wedding, or the couple is moving to a new place, etc etc.  I suppose it depends on the couple but you tend to know whether they are just being greedy or trying to steer their guests' gift-giving desires into something that is practical for them.  For this reason even ostensibly tacky practices like the "dollar dance" (where you pay a dollar to dance with the bride for a few turns) make sense in some cases.  One of my uncles orchestrated this at my younger cousin's wedding, and as everyone knew they were struggling financially and had a baby on the way it was an entertaining way to slip them a little bit of extra cash.  And, well, we are a rather, uh, "down home country" family.  So a few redneck practices seemed entirely normal! And honestly I greatly prefer it if all the wedding-related info comes to me in one envelope.  Much harder for me to lose track of it that way, and not everyone has a website!  I think that every invitation I have ever received had some kind of gift or registry information.  I have never felt pressured to give a gift that was more valuable than I could afford. We put gift information in our wedding invitations -- we really wanted to emphasize that no gifts were necessary but since we knew that people would want to get us something anyway we asked for gift cards from a handful of stores.  Bridal showers are not a British custom, so all of our UK guests would have brought gifts to the wedding if we hadn't said otherwise. In our case my family was flying over from the US, we got married on the other end of the country from where we were living, we don't have a car so we travelled by train, and we were still living in a tiny student flat with no immediate plans to move.  So it really made no sense for people to try and stuff gifts into their suitcases (in addition to paying for the trip in the first place!) or give us things that we couldn't take home on the train or fit into our flat.  And even though individually people generally gave us about £10-20 worth of gift cards, collectively we were able to buy all the necessary appliances for our house a few years later with them.  It was what we truly needed but of course we could not have put a stove and refrigerator on a registry list, nor could we have stored them for 3 years waiting for the eventual opportunity to move. Diana on "Registry Guilt" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/registry-guilt#post-1183084 Mon, 03 Mar 2014 06:45:24 +0000 Diana 1183084@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I've never seen a registry card in any invitations I've received, and I certainly did not put one in mine. What we (and everyone else) did was put that info on our wedding website, to which we had a link in our invites. Everyone found it just fine that way. To be fair, the registries that have clothing and shoes probably have them because they were used for the shower as well. Nobody bothers to make a separate shower registry any more. And, K., the most off the wall gift we got was actually a shower gift. It was a DIET BOOK. For reals. It's currently in our cookbook shelf and we will probably keep it forever because it makes for a hilarious story. minimalist on "Registry Guilt" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/registry-guilt#post-1183038 Mon, 03 Mar 2014 04:47:52 +0000 minimalist 1183038@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I suspect that registry cards might be a regional thing, like cash bars and that other topic that's banned on a lot of North American wedding forums. Where I spent much of my life before moving to the U.S., it was customary in some circles to print a piggy bank on invitations indicating cash preferred. I cringed every time I saw it, and I'd be pretty horrified to receive an invitation with registry cards, but there might be areas where registry cards are expected. Gaylene on "Registry Guilt" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/registry-guilt#post-1182835 Mon, 03 Mar 2014 00:34:30 +0000 Gaylene 1182835@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Whoa, I AM out of the loop regarding today's weddings. I'm stunned that people would put registry cards in wedding invitations! And I thought asking for clothing and handbags was way out there. Times sure have changed! MsMary on "Registry Guilt" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/registry-guilt#post-1182694 Sun, 02 Mar 2014 22:22:59 +0000 MsMary 1182694@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Please don't put registry cards in the wedding invitations!!  No, no, no!!  Shower invitations, yes, because the whole point of a shower is gifts.  Wedding, invitations, no.  That is too close to asking for gifts (at least in the U.S.)!!  The registry is there to have something to which to refer people who ask about gift preference. Kristin L on "Registry Guilt" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/registry-guilt#post-1182331 Sun, 02 Mar 2014 14:44:44 +0000 Kristin L 1182331@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences. I think I need to remember that we aren't asking for things, just giving advice if someone wants to get us something.  @Alicat - I'm kind of excited to see what off the wall gifts we get. If nothing else, they'll make for great family stories.  @Anne - i would have never thought of more holiday decorative things. Thanks for the tip!  @Diane - I love the idea of putting a charity to donate to on my wishlist. I'm going to have to research a few local ones and get the word out.  Anonymous on "Registry Guilt" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/registry-guilt#post-1182284 Sun, 02 Mar 2014 13:23:43 +0000 Anonymous 1182284@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Even with the registry, you will still have people gift you some weird set of towels in a frightening color -- probably regifting something they got for their wedding 20 years earlier!  Appreciate the registry.  No guilt.  :) anne on "Registry Guilt" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/registry-guilt#post-1182253 Sun, 02 Mar 2014 11:57:34 +0000 anne 1182253@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I can relate to so much of what Viva said!!  (down to the $300 wedding dress!) I was uncomfortable with a registry (particularly because I hated those little cards to go with the invites) and thought I'd go with the old fashioned list at my mums (but very general, no colours specified etc). But not many people asked her and then we had no idea what they had chosen anyway. We ended up with 11 decorative glass platters and no saucepans.  Although  a registry would have been very hard for us to do practically because we lived in a different country and very returning to Oz to marry, I would have done one if we were to repeat the whole thing again! So I am totally pro registry and always appreciate it as a guest. And I've seen registries that had great low cost items that wouldn't have occurred to me - like board games and christmas decorations. Go for it K! April on "Registry Guilt" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/registry-guilt#post-1182125 Sun, 02 Mar 2014 03:57:49 +0000 April 1182125@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ K, I think registries makes sense when you're a young couple starting out.  They only become a little odd/ unseemly/ in questionable taste when both members of the couple are deep into adulthood, have lived on their own for many years, are well established in their careers and lifestyles, and are way past the point where they could be considered to be "setting up housekeeping."  At that point, one would have to feel sheepish about setting up a registry.  But for younger couples, it's definitely a kindness and convenience for the guests.   I love Diana's idea about including charity suggestions as well.     Ornella on "Registry Guilt" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/registry-guilt#post-1181922 Sat, 01 Mar 2014 23:04:12 +0000 Ornella 1181922@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ You'll get something anyway, why not make sure it is something you really like or need? That way both sides are happy - you and the giver. Gaylene on "Registry Guilt" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/registry-guilt#post-1181902 Sat, 01 Mar 2014 22:40:05 +0000 Gaylene 1181902@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I think a registry makes sense because it makes gift giving much easier for both parties. But, I've got to say that I get a bit taken aback by some of the items I've seen on some lists. I think, as long as you think of the givers as well as your own wants when you put together your registry, having one is a thoughtful way for you to help people express their happiness at your wedding. To me that means selecting items at a variety of prices, but also being careful to think of items that will suit the givers as well as yourself. Classically Casual on "Registry Guilt" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/registry-guilt#post-1181843 Sat, 01 Mar 2014 20:40:10 +0000 Classically Casual 1181843@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ If you share an activity, such as camping, I'd consider including those types of items as well. Peri on "Registry Guilt" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/registry-guilt#post-1181799 Sat, 01 Mar 2014 19:51:04 +0000 Peri 1181799@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ The only gift registry that ever offended me was one that included things like a gift card to Ann Taylor. Asking for clothes as a wedding gift! I still can't get over that. Traditional "set up your house" registries are helpful. People always have a choice, so no guilt necessary. ramya on "Registry Guilt" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/registry-guilt#post-1181793 Sat, 01 Mar 2014 19:43:51 +0000 ramya 1181793@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I told no gifts out right. But it didn't even deter my best friends. And other good friends. My BFF stepped in and actually got people to buy me stuff that were of use to me. I still miss my microwave oven that my BFF selected. It was my dream oven. Diana on "Registry Guilt" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/registry-guilt#post-1181745 Sat, 01 Mar 2014 18:01:38 +0000 Diana 1181745@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ PS - A lot of stores have registry events for couples.  We went to the Crate and Barrel one and it was great.  I actually really did not want to go, but J. insisted and it turned out to be fantastic.  They open the store early for the couples and give you the scanner.  I think you can download an app to your phone and use it as a scanner too.  There are product demos and staff on hand to answer questions.  It was nice to have the run of the store without tons of other customers around, and was quite fun too.   Diana on "Registry Guilt" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/registry-guilt#post-1181742 Sat, 01 Mar 2014 17:57:13 +0000 Diana 1181742@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Totally normal.  I went through this as well so here are my thoughts: -First, a lot of people will INSIST on giving you a gift whether or not you have said you want them.  I can't stress this enough. So you shouldn't feel guilty about this.  Older generation folks especially seem to feel like it is only proper and they get upset if there is no registry.  People started bugging us about our registry around when bridal shower invites went out.  Other people feel that they should send a gift even if they can't make it to the wedding.  As a guest, I appreciate having a registry to choose from.  It makes the shopping and shipping super easy and convenient and you know it's something they actually want.   -Speaking of which, shopping off the registry will automatically ship to your address, which is great if you are having an out of town wedding like I did.  We emphasized over and over again that people should not bring actual gifts to the wedding because we'd have to ship them home and that would be a pain.  I think almost everyone complied, which was very nice (we got some jewelry and money in person and that was all). -We had a few different options (Macy's, Williams Sonoma, and Crate and Barrel) at different price points so people could give a gift in line with their budget.  Remember that if you have a shower a lot of people will get the cheaper gifts off the registry for that too.  You can also add gift cards in any amount to your registry which is a nice option for people to choose their amount. -We didn't have one, but Amazon allows you to make a registry list, which means you can add pretty much anything under the sun to your registry.  (shoes?  handbags?  I knew a couple who had video games on theirs...)  -We also had a charity registry.  We used the I Do Foundation, which sets up a page for you where you can choose charities that you would like people to donate to (we chose the American Cancer Society).  They have almost all the big national charities and a whole bunch of regional ones.  I found that most of the people who chose this option were of the younger generation.  Like I mentioned above, older folks seem to feel like it's not right to not give a gift.  Some people also gave a donation AND a small gift. <a rel="nofollow" href="https://www.idofoundation.org/">https://www.idofoundation.org/</a> -We got a bunch of cash/checks as gifts too, but this is a traditional Chinese thing.  Depending on the makeup of your guest lists, this may or may not be a faux pas.   MsMary on "Registry Guilt" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/registry-guilt#post-1181730 Sat, 01 Mar 2014 17:47:48 +0000 MsMary 1181730@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ You're not asking for gifts.  You are just stating your preferences for people who already are excited to give you gifts and want to please you!  No guilt needed!  Isabel on "Registry Guilt" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/registry-guilt#post-1181728 Sat, 01 Mar 2014 17:41:27 +0000 Isabel 1181728@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I don't if it is normal...I have never done one. BUT as a person who uses them frequently, I can only say THANK YOU for putting one together.   :  )  viva on "Registry Guilt" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/registry-guilt#post-1181710 Sat, 01 Mar 2014 17:27:36 +0000 viva 1181710@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ DH and I laugh every now and then about how much sooner we would have had nice cooking pots if we had only been smarter with the registry, and I had been less offended by the practice. Instead, we waited until we had been married 15 years and then bought all our own All-Clad. Kristin L on "Registry Guilt" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/registry-guilt#post-1181702 Sat, 01 Mar 2014 17:15:59 +0000 Kristin L 1181702@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Thanks Beth Ann, Laura, Viva, Amy and JAileen! I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who's felt this way about it.  Thanks for the advice about making sure I have things in a range of price points. Thanks for sharing your experience Viva. I look at what DF and I ready have and while it's almost all hand-me-down and mismatch, to me it still works. Thanks for the tip on putting a few nicer things up. i would have never thoguht of that.  I didn't know about the discounts for things left on the registry Amy. Thanks for the heads up!  JAileen on "Registry Guilt" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/registry-guilt#post-1181690 Sat, 01 Mar 2014 17:01:58 +0000 JAileen 1181690@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ When we got married years ago, we didn't register. My mother told me several guests were really annoyed that we hadn't. They wanted to give us something that we wanted and needed, but had no idea. When you register, you're not asking for gifts, you're just helping those who want to give you gift. minimalist on "Registry Guilt" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/registry-guilt#post-1181687 Sat, 01 Mar 2014 16:59:58 +0000 minimalist 1181687@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Here's another angle: some stores offer you a post-wedding discount on anything you registered for but didn't receive as a present. In that case, you're not asking for presents, just opting-in for a discount on something you're thinking of buying. Many social practices around Big Life Events are pretty weird, if you think about them enough. So it's not surprising that some of them feel weird. A barn-raising or a quilting bee would feel like a more organic way of the community getting a couple started in their new life-phase. But those probably wouldn't help you much, so registering for gifts that your friends can buy at their convenience and budgetary discretion is the closest most of us can get.