https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/parental-responsibility-vs-a-childs-right-to-freedom-of-expression Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Sat, 25 Apr 2026 21:03:19 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/parental-responsibility-vs-a-childs-right-to-freedom-of-expression/page/2#post-467880 Tue, 15 Nov 2011 20:47:42 +0000 judy 467880@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>What an interesting thread this is! </p> <p>I think it's totally fine...and necessary...for parents to give children creative choices, but within an appropriate range of their clothes...some for school, some for parties, and "dress up", in a big bin. This gives the child some sense of choice, self-expression and control but also, they learn that they dress for others as well as themselves. </p> <p>Kids can be so cruel with each other, but I don't think saying "If you wear that, people will laugh at you or make fun of you" is helpful. That just makes kids afraid of other kids, and who needs more of that. Instead, setting the boundaries before it ever comes to that will help our child feel comfortable...enough like themselves and enough like everyone else. It's a balance. </p> <p> In the case of this boy, if he were my child he'd have to dress better for the party and wait to wear the costumes until he got back home. </p> <p> Isn't that what we always complain about here at YLF that people DON'T dress as if others see them? ..and with little regard for the appropriateness of the situation ? ( I recall the pajama wearing in a courtroom thread). Well, where do we learn it? And isn't this notion that we should wear "whatever we feel like" one of the reasons that people dress so badly now? I think we have to dress consciously and kids can be introduced to that idea with no harm to their creative spirits.</p> <p> It's that whole "looking the same vs. standing out" argument we had on that other thread. Children aren't that different than us in that having fewer choices is often much more helpful and less overwhelming, just my take on it. Setting boundaries is a way of caring. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/parental-responsibility-vs-a-childs-right-to-freedom-of-expression/page/2#post-467859 Tue, 15 Nov 2011 19:58:44 +0000 Angie 467859@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I have no words of wisdom on the topic, but was fascinated by your perspectives. Thanks for chiming in everyone! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/parental-responsibility-vs-a-childs-right-to-freedom-of-expression/page/2#post-467841 Tue, 15 Nov 2011 19:45:34 +0000 chewyspaghetti 467841@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I haven't read any of the responses, but I believe that as parents it is part of our job as parents to teach our children about the ramifications of their choices, as well as protecting them. Not all kids naturally see those things. I would never say to my kids that they must wear x,y,z, or that they are not allowed to wear x,y,z (unless it clearly didn't fit or was weather or age inappropriate), but I will explain to them what is likely to be the reception of certain appearance in certain situations. Part of embracing your individuality and expressing it through your appearance is being able to decide what is appropriate for the weather, your body, and the situation. I do think that if your child is being harmed specifically because of their clothing (more than once), then you are not doing an appropriate job. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/parental-responsibility-vs-a-childs-right-to-freedom-of-expression/page/2#post-467828 Tue, 15 Nov 2011 19:33:12 +0000 Louise 467828@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>If he was my child I'd let him wear the leotard but explain that others may make fun of him because it's not usually what boys wear and then allow him to make an informed desicion, sadly children will *always* pick on each other and a purple leotard is no different to a pair of glasses in the eyes of a child intent on bullying. I would be furious if my child picked on another child for being different x </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/parental-responsibility-vs-a-childs-right-to-freedom-of-expression/page/2#post-467825 Tue, 15 Nov 2011 19:32:24 +0000 RoseandJoan 467825@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Thank you so much for sharing your experiences, from bullying to navigating your childrens clothing requests. I promise you that I will be reading these replies often. </p> <p>Debbie, I hope Teah grows to have your daughters wisdom and strength of character, she really does sound like a gem.</p> <p>Michelle, if I had been at school with you I would have tweaked your uniform and defended your choices, girls in particular can be so cruel.</p> <p>Fi, Vanessa is a lucky girl, I believe you are undergoing some big life changes yourself, I hope everything is now well.</p> <p>Christine and Suz, I really appreciate your replies, thank you.</p> <p>Steph you always express your views so eloquently.</p> <p>Jonesy, I was hoping you would reply, thank you. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/parental-responsibility-vs-a-childs-right-to-freedom-of-expression#post-467483 Tue, 15 Nov 2011 07:15:17 +0000 londonkiwi (now back in NZ) 467483@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Hi Julie,</p> <p>This is a very interesting topic and I think that unfortunately there is no wrong or right answers.</p> <p>From what I have seen of other children, up until 5ish, they care very little what other people think and want to do their own thing (fairy wings, tutu, wool hat and wellington boots for example...). I am not sure that they care what other people think - adults or children, they walk to their own beat and safety and modesty aside, I am thinking that it is probably one of those battles that you choose not to partake in.</p> <p>Then I guess they hit 5 - and school and exposure to older children and they become more and more aware of how the world perceives them. Some children lose their sense of wimsy and conform to how society perceives that we should dress and others for any number of reasons do not. Some of these children will get teased and some will get bullied. </p> <p>As someone who was bullied terribly at school (to the point where I left one school), I think that unfortunately some children are bullied for no particular reason. To this day I have no idea why I was bullied. I wasn't the quirky child, I was the fairly normal average one.</p> <p>I think that adults often condone bulling, not openly, but by turning a blind eye or thinking that it is just a bit of harmless teasing - part of childhood. Perhaps this is what happened here? Or perhaps the boy was laughed at by the adults or any older children at the party and this influenced the younger children? </p> <p>I think Julie, that you have nothing to fear with your daughter. She has kind, involved and supportive parents who love her. Yes, unfortunately she may have some problems, but because of who her parents are she will be confident in her choices and I think that this confidence will help her avoid the teasing and any potential bullies. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/parental-responsibility-vs-a-childs-right-to-freedom-of-expression#post-467439 Tue, 15 Nov 2011 04:59:32 +0000 Michelle 467439@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Debbie, your daughter is so right. I got chatting about this subject with Corey over dinner after sharing the perspectives on this thread. We both experienced bullying and came to the same conclusion. If a group or individual has someone in its sights, it will find a reason to shoot at the target. It could be the colour of their pencil case, the cut of their hair, the clothes on their back or the brains in there head. Any excuse will do, unfortunately. I really admire your daughter for asserting something of her individuality rather than trying to blend into the floor tile as so many of us do when under attack. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/parental-responsibility-vs-a-childs-right-to-freedom-of-expression#post-467434 Tue, 15 Nov 2011 04:51:58 +0000 Suz 467434@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Very good point, Debbie. Your daughter showed wisdom there—and so did you, in listening to her.</p> <p>I guess when they are quite young, we may have to take one approach, and as they get older we need to step back and allow them to make their own decisions. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/parental-responsibility-vs-a-childs-right-to-freedom-of-expression#post-467409 Tue, 15 Nov 2011 03:57:25 +0000 Debbie 467409@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I saw this earlier and have thought about this on and off this afternoon.<br /> I have a seven year old grandson. He loves the Mario video game. One of my youngest daughters friends gave him a lunch box with these characters on it. The box is primarily pink. He loves it. When school started this year he wanted to take it. I talked to him about it and explained that he might get teased but he insisted and as Kari said I picked my battles. The funny thing is he hasn't been. A boy said something the first day and he said he liked it and that was that. I know it may not always be this way but for now it is fine.<br /> As parents I think we need to make sure they are dressed for the weather and modest. We need to explain to them why some of their choices may not be viewed the same by their peers.<br /> My youngest daughter has cerebal palsy. Curiosity about her condition has caused some comments and bullying. A few years ago I told her I thought her outfit was drawing too much attention. She was going through an all black phase. Her answer back stopped me cold. She said Mom people are going to talk no matter what I wear<br /> so I am going to wear what I want.<br /> It is a very fine line we walk as parents. Bullying is a real problem. We need to listen to our children carefully and know when to step in and when to let them fly.</p> <p>Julie I hope your family is doing well. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/parental-responsibility-vs-a-childs-right-to-freedom-of-expression#post-467397 Tue, 15 Nov 2011 03:35:37 +0000 Suz 467397@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Julie, it is lovely to see you back here. I hope all is going well with your family. </p> <p>And thank you for this interesting thread. Such thoughtful and well-reasoned responses. </p> <p>I did not watch the link, so my comments don't have to do specifically with the leotard wearing party-goer. I do have a friend with a son whose tastes were quite similar at the same age; her approach was to allow him to dress however he liked at home but to put some limits on his choices in the outside world. </p> <p>My daughter is a quirky kid, not really diagnosable, but somewhere on the spectrum, and she definitely has sensory issues and very high anxiety. She has some learning disabilities and she is gifted. She is also adopted and she is Asian, with white parents, and is living now in a largely white community. So right off the bat, she is carrying a heavier load than some children. </p> <p>For years she has called herself a tomboy. It is a bit of a misnomer because in fact her interests are not as traditionally boy-like as that term might imply, but it is certainly true that she dislikes pink and frills and anything she associates with "girly-girl" stuff. </p> <p>Because she is unusual and already has been the brunt of teasing and bullying for reasons quite unrelated to her fashion choices, over the years, I have taken an approach like crwilson's. I bought her simple, "unisex" looking clothes in colours that she likes and allowed her to choose her own outfits from this stash of clothing. </p> <p>I believe that when somebody is bullied, it's the bullying kids and the supervising adults who bear the responsibility, not the victim. However, I also believe in giving my kid the armour she needs to face an incomprehending world. And if that means ensuring that she is dressed in a way that at least won't draw undue attention to herself, then so be it. </p> <p>She has just turned twelve and is showing the very beginnings of more active interest in what she wears. I don't know how this will play out over time, but one reason I have asked for her help in taking photos for YLF is that I am hoping this will help to train her eye, and she'll learn that fashion can be fun in lots of different ways. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/parental-responsibility-vs-a-childs-right-to-freedom-of-expression#post-467365 Tue, 15 Nov 2011 02:10:20 +0000 Michelle 467365@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I am so conflicted on this subject for a variety of reasons. I am a fairly left-leaning woman with no children, so it's the easiest thing in the world for me to lay down the law and say, "yes, of course, live and let live." On the other hand, I spent my childhood as the one who was different and faced my fair share of bullying. I've seen first-hand how indescribably awful children can be over matters including clothes. My parents were extremely traditional in their approach to clothing, and all the adults of my acquaintance always commented on how attractively and appropriately dressed I was. For my peers, though, that look was like the red flag in a bull fight. They had great fun making fun of my excessive preppiness (in a pretty upscale school, too). When a school uniform entered the picture, things got even worse. Kids will find a way to tease those they wish to target, and I came in for open mockery because I didn't wear my uniform kilt short enough and wore my socks pulled up too high. If children will zero in on such small nuances to make someone's life miserable, I can only imagine how ruthless they'd be on someone who's actively flouting gender roles through their clothing. Because of this experience I wanted nothing more than to look up-to-date and like everyone else, though my love of dressing up persisted and influences my style to this day. If I had children, my instinct would be to protect them from the sort of bullying I went through. I do feel it's a parent's responsibility to do that, at the very least...ensure a child is informed of the different possibilities and armed to cope with the situation. Trouble is so many parents truly don't know what will emerge when kids coalesce into a unit and group dynamics take hold. And saying things like "I believe in myself," while possibly true, will come off as a platitude that will only open the door for more scorn and ridicule.<br /> I'm thinking back now on news stories I've dealt with recently, one about a Canadian family that is actively eschewing all gender roles in their household in an effort to allow their boys to develop naturally, the other involving a gay teen who committed suicide after relentless bullying. This latter kid tried to fit in, but didn't go so far as to hide his love of Lady Gaga or his penscient for musical theatre. These are healthy passions that ought to have been embraced at least by some, but they were squelched under the heels of teens who never even bothered to understand. I actually shiver in fear for the kids in the other family, who will in no way be prepared for what lies ahead. I really don't know if there is an effective way to deal with it. For parents and children a like, I so wish things could change. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/parental-responsibility-vs-a-childs-right-to-freedom-of-expression#post-467359 Tue, 15 Nov 2011 02:04:05 +0000 Mellllls 467359@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I do not have children but I can't imagine my mom letting me leave the house in a a leotard....transgender issues aside. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/parental-responsibility-vs-a-childs-right-to-freedom-of-expression#post-467358 Tue, 15 Nov 2011 01:53:40 +0000 crwilson 467358@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I'm torn. While I fully agree that the bullies are at fault, and while I also view gender as inherently fluid, flexible, and performative, the mother in me feels like all the philosophical views on gender and power relations are not particularly helpful in the face of a sobbing child. My daughter also has sensory issues, and clothing is becoming a bigger issue for her the older she gets, insofar as she's less tolerant of certain fabrics, textures, seaming, etc. </p> <p>Here's where I've come down on the issue at this point. My oldest is 4, and honestly, she's different enough without having clothing add to her differences. Social relationships are going to be fraught for her in some ways already, so I feel like one of the ways I can help her is to make sure that she at least can start off on the right foot. Clothing is a kind of defense mechanism, I guess. Right now, she's not mature enough to understand or care that kids would make fun of her for clothing, so that wouldn't be a compelling argument before she went out the door. That wouldn't prevent her from being deeply hurt, however, if she were teased. Once she's old enough to understand the potential consequences, I may revise my approach, but for now, she leaves the house in appropriate clothing that is neat and (generally) matches. She does pick out all of her own clothes at the store, and most of it's intentionally mix and match so that she can't really go too wrong.</p> <p>All of this relates to the little boy in the Minnie Mouse leotard tangentially...I guess it would really depend on the individual child. If I thought that my child's pleasure in wearing a particular outfit would override the pain caused by social derision, I might let it go. If not, I would probably reserve the more flamboyant outfits for play.</p> <p>Also: I'm so happy to see you back, and I hope that things are going more smoothly now! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/parental-responsibility-vs-a-childs-right-to-freedom-of-expression#post-467340 Tue, 15 Nov 2011 01:15:25 +0000 Kari 467340@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Also, can I say that it is a delight to see you back here? I hope that things are going well with your daughter, and with your family. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/parental-responsibility-vs-a-childs-right-to-freedom-of-expression#post-467336 Tue, 15 Nov 2011 00:55:33 +0000 hillview 467336@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I can't see the video. My DS1 is 6 and would know this year what to wear -- he is WAY more aware then he was last year. DS2 is 4 and wears pink shoes and a pink sweatshirt on some days. He does not get teased (but if he was 5 or 6 he might be). Next year if DS2 wanted to wear a leotard (note, we don't have a leotard at home -- he MIGHT wear it) to a party, I don't know if I'd let him. I am torn between I'd tell him that other kids might tease him, we'd talk about how this would make him feel and if he thought that would be something he would want to do and be able to handle. Or telling him that we don't wear leotards to parties (I feel like if I had a girl this is a likely rule we'd have). DS1 would never do this. DS2 well... he might want to. But I would not have an issue with pink clothes or the like. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/parental-responsibility-vs-a-childs-right-to-freedom-of-expression#post-467324 Tue, 15 Nov 2011 00:41:06 +0000 ironkurtin 467324@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I think it stinks that we live in a world where a child can't wear whatever they want - so long as it is clean and weather-appropriate. But we live in a society that is not kind to anything different, even if it's just clothing.</p> <p>A five year old is old enough to make informed decisions. If my son wanted to wear that, I would tell him he could, but that he might be teased because other kids might not understand. Then I'd let him make his own choices. A child with the conviction of his own ideas will need to stand up to bullying or learn how to deal with it, and the best thing I could do is to support him. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/parental-responsibility-vs-a-childs-right-to-freedom-of-expression#post-467309 Tue, 15 Nov 2011 00:20:21 +0000 Aziraphale 467309@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Sometimes it only takes one mean-spirited comment to cause a child to dissolve in tears. Perhaps the supervising adults were not at fault.</p> <p>I didn't read the article, however. For some reason the link won't work. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/parental-responsibility-vs-a-childs-right-to-freedom-of-expression#post-467302 Tue, 15 Nov 2011 00:02:45 +0000 mrseccentric 467302@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Kari: "...I wonder why the adults in supervision would let the teasing get so far. "</p> <p>Exactly. steph </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/parental-responsibility-vs-a-childs-right-to-freedom-of-expression#post-467301 Tue, 15 Nov 2011 00:01:53 +0000 mrseccentric 467301@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Very important topic. I went to an elementary school in the 1970's with a lot of teasing and bullying, some of which was directed at me. I got beat up more than once. The problem is not 'different kids', it's adults who tolerate and even incite teasing and bullying from the kids. </p> <p>Kids at my school got teased, ostracized, and bullied for being short, a boy with long hair, wearing glasses, thier parents having a different political view than the bullie's, going to 'the wrong church'. Should a parent get a kid contacts or change what church they go to? What about the kids with Down's syndrome, or ones who use a wheelchair? Of course not. In my view and experience, as soon as you start focusing on 'what the victim did to start it', you're missing the point. Kids who want to bully will find something, anything, to use as an 'excuse'.</p> <p>In my school there were a number of smart, brave, persistent adults who spent a lot of time and effort working with the kids to get at the root of bullying and stopping it. I respected them then and i respect them to this day. But there were a very few teachers who condoned this and even encouraged it. This was a boon to the kids (and their parents) who wanted to bully.</p> <p>I agree it's important to talk to kids about things they do (with me, my big mouth) that can provoke people that you don't want to provoke. But kids who want to bully will always find a way, as long as the responsible adults let them. That is what is at the root of bullying - not what some kid wears.</p> <p>As far as press coverage of incidents like the one in the original post - having been involved in a couple of newsworthy events myself, i'd be pretty surprised if the full story and all the facts are accurately represented. Just sayin'. steph </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/parental-responsibility-vs-a-childs-right-to-freedom-of-expression#post-467299 Mon, 14 Nov 2011 23:52:16 +0000 Kari 467299@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I wore some pretty ridiculous things in public when I was little, although not gender bending.</p> <p>Examples:<br /> A black leotard with silver sequins, pink roses, and white lace with a pink tulle tutu and blue jelly shoes<br /> Blue courduroy overalls, a flowered turtleneck, red sunglasses with the lenses punched out, plastic colored rings put together into a necklace, straw cowboy hat</p> <p>My mom took the philosophy of picking your battles with clothing. I had to be dressed appropriately for special events, and I needed to wear clothing that was physically safe and warm enough. (I remember being rather miffed when my mom would NOT let me wear a frilly dress because it was snowing outside.) If I had wanted to wear something that was inappropriately revealing, she would not have let that fly either. But if I wanted to wear something goofy out? Not worth arguing over, and I was proud of what I picked out to wear. My mom would make suggestions but if I dug in my heels, there were really more important things to worry about. My parents' priorities were more related to my safety and well-being, and being courteous to others and respectful of myself as well.</p> <p>On the other hand, I wasn't bullied either (this was like from age 5 and younger), and if people laughed at me it was not to my face. I don't know if my parents would have changed their strategy if I had been actively bullied.</p> <p>I have to wonder too, like Rachylou mentioned, where the parents were at this party. I can tell you that I got in BIG trouble the few times that I even came close to teasing or alienating someone else, and I wonder why the adults in supervision would let the teasing get so far. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/parental-responsibility-vs-a-childs-right-to-freedom-of-expression#post-467291 Mon, 14 Nov 2011 23:26:16 +0000 Aziraphale 467291@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>For the record, I don't think I'd get into a discussion with a young child about what it means to be transgendered. I doubt anyone has actually used the word 'transgender' with the little boy I was talking about. Because then you're getting into issues of sexuality, which is a discussion to be had, for sure -- especially if you're the parent of a boy who is really a girl with male plumbing -- but not perhaps until puberty, or close to it.</p> <p>I agree with Jonesy that it is the bullies who are in the wrong, not the boy who likes to wear a Minnie Mouse leotard. Don't we all wish we could wave a magic wand and make everybody accept everybody else! BUT in real life, bullying happens. You do your best to psychologically equip your children to cope with the inevitable ups and downs of social life, but there are things you can do to avoid tempting harassment. Cross-dressing is still a touchy subject, even for many adults, because it's (sometimes incorrectly) associated with homosexuality, which, despite the many strides we have made as a society, is still not accepted by everyone. </p> <p>So I stand by what I said. I wouldn't send a five-year-old boy to a party dressed like a girl, unless I had good reason to believe the other kids would be fine with it. </p> <p>If the boy were a teenager, I might give a different answer. Because if you're 'different', then at some point, you've got to own it. You've got to start bucking social norms. There may be (many) bumps in the road, but in the long run, I think you're happier if you do.</p> <p>Incidentally, my own son, who will be four next week, has long hair. I'm not a fan of the army recruit look on small boys. But if he asked me to cut it, I would. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/parental-responsibility-vs-a-childs-right-to-freedom-of-expression#post-467286 Mon, 14 Nov 2011 23:14:03 +0000 rachylou 467286@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>The parents are responsible for the boy's attire, and the boy should not go to parties or school dressed like that. You should know the norms of your own social set and have your children abide by them. I will say, in my social milieu, a kid is more likely to be given a hard time over being "too preppy" than the opposite... the bottom line here isn't the clothing, but the social contract.</p> <p>But over all of this - it seems strange to me that a 5 year old would be "found alone" at a party. Also, it takes awhile to get to sobbing. Where were the adults at this party?</p> <p>All around, I don't think these people would be my people. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/parental-responsibility-vs-a-childs-right-to-freedom-of-expression#post-467269 Mon, 14 Nov 2011 22:43:55 +0000 san 467269@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Just off the top of my head, it seems that since the boy had already had an episode of being brought to tears over his clothing, the parents would consider it unsafe for him to go out in that sort of clothing. I would say to my son the mini mouse leotard is not appropriate to go to a party in. I would leave out the question of whether it is transgender. My grand daughter wanted to wear high heels long before it was appropriate for her to do so and her parents told her it's just not appropriate, period. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/parental-responsibility-vs-a-childs-right-to-freedom-of-expression#post-467207 Mon, 14 Nov 2011 21:03:21 +0000 Jonesy 467207@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Interesting. My perspective is that the kids who did the bullying are in the wrong, not the kid who wore the tutu. I support allowing children to express their gender in whatever ways they wish; in our household we talk about how society wants to rigidly prescribe X for girls and Y for boys, but that isn't right and sometimes girls want to do Y and sometimes boys want to do X. Gender expression is something that more and more states are focusing on as part of protecting kids from harassment and bullying (one study I read recently found that kids' non-conventional gender expression resulted in more bullying than sexual orientation per se). I'm not talking about not clothing your kids properly or neglecting their appearance and well-being (e.g., shorts and flip flops in the wintertime in the Midwest), but about allowing your child to express who s/he is. </p> <p>OTOH, parents need to explain to kids and really talk to them about how other kids might react to their choices, and help them decide how their need for self-expression stacks up against the odds of receiving negative feedback, even physical threats or aggression, from peers. For example, when my son entered middle school, he got lots of flack for his hair (he wore it long-ish, rather than in a buzz cut which was the norm at the time) and some of his t-shirts, which were considered "baby-ish" and "gay" because they had cartoon characters on them, etc. It's like actual policing that kids do to other kids: "Hey, you are stepping out of bounds here with your longish hair or your "girlish" t-shirt so we are going to punish you until you comply." My son had to negotiate within himself, with our help, what he was willing to hang onto and what he was willing to give up for the sake of fitting in. He ended up keeping his longer hair and restricting some of his t-shirts to weekend wear only. It was an ongoing process that we engaged in with him, as he progressed through middle school. We talked a lot (and continue to talk a lot) about the pressure on boys to be a certain way, the pressure on girls, the double-standards, etc. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/parental-responsibility-vs-a-childs-right-to-freedom-of-expression#post-467195 Mon, 14 Nov 2011 20:35:40 +0000 RoseandJoan 467195@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Such interesting and varied responses, I will need to re-read every reply a few times and then gather my thoughts before commenting more.</p> <p>Thank you so much for your time. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/parental-responsibility-vs-a-childs-right-to-freedom-of-expression#post-467188 Mon, 14 Nov 2011 20:19:34 +0000 catgirl 467188@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Reminds me of this boy:</p> <p><a href="http://jezebel.com/5664165/meet-princess-boy--his-awesome-family" rel="nofollow">http://jezebel.com/5664165/mee.....ome-family</a></p> <p>And his mom wrote a book about him to help with bullying issues. </p> <p>I think it's really unfairly different for boys and girls. There's a girl at my son's school who is very much a tomboy - comes to school in a fedora, button-down and tie, ragged nails, plays football with the boys, and disdains girliness of all kinds. I don't think she's transgendered or anything, just very sure of her own identity. No one gives her any trouble - in fact, my son thinks she's cool because they share the same interests. If a boy showed up like the one you've described, he would (sadly) probably be teased after 2nd grade. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/parental-responsibility-vs-a-childs-right-to-freedom-of-expression#post-467186 Mon, 14 Nov 2011 20:19:28 +0000 Queen Mum 467186@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I can't see the video either, but I'm guessing that if the kid was teased to the point of "sobbing by himself" he probably won't want to do this again. I'm not sure why this made the news. Am I missing something here? I"m not trying to be heartless, but kids do whacky things, and they have to decide if it's worth the attention they get from their peers. It's all part of the learning curve IMO.</p> <p>For the record, I'm pretty sure I would not have let one of my boys go to a party in a minnie mouse leotard. I'm pretty sure I would have intervened in the name of "that's not appropriate attire for you to wear to a party" but I'm not going to knock the parent who takes a different approach. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/parental-responsibility-vs-a-childs-right-to-freedom-of-expression#post-467182 Mon, 14 Nov 2011 20:14:51 +0000 modgrl 467182@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>No way! As the mom of a 5 year old boy, I view it as my responsibility to give him structure and rules. Part of that is learning to dress appropriately within his environmental norms. Dress up time is one thing but wearing something like that out of the house is out of the question. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/parental-responsibility-vs-a-childs-right-to-freedom-of-expression#post-467181 Mon, 14 Nov 2011 20:14:42 +0000 HelenInCanada 467181@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>This is definitely a tricky issue but one that must be dealt with because, of course, kids are going to interact in the 'real' world eventually, and here's a good opportunity to give some guidance. We also want to shield kids from harassment, but don't want to teach them to live in fear or be ashamed of themselves. Like I said, tricky. Of course we would love to control how the OTHER kids behave (and should certainly let teachers/principal know if a child has crossed over into abusive territory), but ultimately we can only control our OWN.</p> <p>So here's my two cents. Obviously, we've got to say NO to clothing that is dirty, not appropriate for the weather, or just plain hazardous (super wide bell bottoms that they'll trip on when running, high heels on 10-year olds, etc.)!</p> <p>We've got to explain why we are saying NO - when shopping for clothes - to oversexualized girls' items, such as skimpy tube tops, ultra miniskirts without leggings underneath, and other items that make us wince and worry. (I have an 11 year old girl, for the record.)</p> <p>In terms of individual child's unique tastes - especially if they feel strongly about it - I would talk to the child about why they like the items, the fact that we're proud they are passionate about and feel good in them, whether it was inspired by a character they like or what have you, and that it's important to express ourselves and be happy with who we are...and also that it is something quite different from most and certainly signals their special style. Prepare them for the reaction at school they might receive. I think extremes, though, like a boy wearing purple leotard, for example, where we can predict the suffereing ahead, you could do something like explain he can wear it but perhaps put on his jeans over top...? Suggest better alternatives for him/her. I think a child psychologist (maybe we can check Today's Parent's archives, etc. for more expert info on this) can probably give more succinct advice and the reasoning behind it to make sure the child's self-esteem is intact and you are showing you love and support your child! </p> <p>We also have to be realistic about how they will interact with others in their environment, and have an open and supportive conversation about that. Perhaps there are kids' books dealing with this issue as well...? Need to think about and research a bit more. These are just my initial thoughts! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/parental-responsibility-vs-a-childs-right-to-freedom-of-expression#post-467164 Mon, 14 Nov 2011 19:46:23 +0000 Ornella 467164@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Hello Julie and welcome back.</p> <p>I think it is a matter of balance, as with everything. In the case as you've described it, I'd say it IS parents' fault, but not because they let him go dressed like that, but because I'm wondering if they knew what kind of children would be hanging around there. </p> <p>I'd normally say it's actually a mixture of factors, as always, but since you've mentioned they had already found the boy crying once before because he had been bullied for the exact same reason, I do think they haven't thought it through again for the next party he was going to dressed like that. </p>