https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/otmy-lfie-my-marriage-my-budget-and-ylf Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Sun, 26 Apr 2026 08:00:46 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/otmy-lfie-my-marriage-my-budget-and-ylf/page/3#post-445615 Sun, 16 Oct 2011 05:47:23 +0000 Scarlet 445615@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I am so happy to read that you and your husband were able to talk about this and find a good solution. It actually makes me a little teary (in a good way). </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/otmy-lfie-my-marriage-my-budget-and-ylf/page/3#post-445612 Sun, 16 Oct 2011 05:42:02 +0000 MsMary 445612@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Wow! I missed this while I was away, so I'm late to the party, but I just have to give you the biggest hug ever, Sona, for looking at this issue and taking such spectacular action to address it! Brava times a million!!! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/otmy-lfie-my-marriage-my-budget-and-ylf/page/3#post-445610 Sun, 16 Oct 2011 05:39:51 +0000 goldenpig 445610@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>So happy you were able to talk with your husband and come to an agreement together! I am so glad he was willing to work things out with you. What a heartwarming update! You are an inspiration! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/otmy-lfie-my-marriage-my-budget-and-ylf/page/3#post-445594 Sun, 16 Oct 2011 04:30:13 +0000 Michelle 445594@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Sona, your response was deeply touching and I'm so pleased for you. Hopefully the compromise you've reached will help stave off an anxious period. As you now know, too, you always have all of us here if depression rears its heead this season. Congratulations on how far you've come in so many facets of your life! You are inspiring, truly. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/otmy-lfie-my-marriage-my-budget-and-ylf/page/3#post-444520 Fri, 14 Oct 2011 17:59:42 +0000 ButterflyLady 444520@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I'm so pleased to read your update, Sona. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/otmy-lfie-my-marriage-my-budget-and-ylf/page/3#post-443934 Thu, 13 Oct 2011 23:24:48 +0000 Mo 443934@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Yay for meeting in the middle! Interestingly, my BF came from a poor background and often says he's scared of ever ending up back there. He worked in the mines in Kentucky. Now he's a finance manager and sits behind a desk and haggles loans for car buyers. Our condo is paid for, our truck will soon be paid for (about 15 months after purchase) but he still frets about not having definite jobs waiting for us back in Tahoe this time. I suppose financial fears are warranted in this time - he remembers the awful unemployment numbers in the late 70's (he's 51) and we all know the economy is rickety, but we can't live in fear of what tomorrow will, or won't, bring.<br /> I think if you are spending wisely while saving for the future it is an investment in your well being as a whole. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/otmy-lfie-my-marriage-my-budget-and-ylf/page/3#post-443916 Thu, 13 Oct 2011 23:07:01 +0000 MNsara 443916@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Yay for you two, Sona!! I love to hear that you've come to an 'arrangement' -- and it sounds pretty reasonable at 20% (especially since you've managed to already spruce up your closet quite a bit ;-)</p> <p>I'm hoping this gives you some peace and ability to enjoy your continued style journey! {{{ more happy hugs }}} </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/otmy-lfie-my-marriage-my-budget-and-ylf/page/3#post-443893 Thu, 13 Oct 2011 22:41:32 +0000 Aida 443893@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Sona it was wonderful to read your response! I'm so happy that you two have already started working on resolving this, and it was a very sweet story to read. *hugs* I hope you are feeling better today </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/otmy-lfie-my-marriage-my-budget-and-ylf/page/3#post-443790 Thu, 13 Oct 2011 20:52:18 +0000 Isabel 443790@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>YAY !!! I am glad to hear that you reached a compromised. As you go through it, it will morph into what really works well for all of you. Nothing is perfect the first time that it is set in motion - especially a budget. So adjust and tweak as you go along. This is also a wonderful experience for your daughter in working as partners to fulfill the family's needs while taking good care of yourself.</p> <p>Hugs ! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/otmy-lfie-my-marriage-my-budget-and-ylf/page/3#post-443777 Thu, 13 Oct 2011 20:36:02 +0000 Fruitful 443777@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Great to hear the update Sona. So good there is a spirit of moving to meet each other in your relationship &lt;333 </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/otmy-lfie-my-marriage-my-budget-and-ylf/page/2#post-443711 Thu, 13 Oct 2011 19:07:22 +0000 nancylee 443711@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>What a great update, Sona! Baby steps toward each other. That's all you need for now. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/otmy-lfie-my-marriage-my-budget-and-ylf/page/2#post-443682 Thu, 13 Oct 2011 18:20:30 +0000 Sylvie 443682@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Woohoo! I'm so glad to hear that you were able to discuss the issue and come up with a solution that makes both of you happy! Yay for having a "Sona stuff" budget. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/otmy-lfie-my-marriage-my-budget-and-ylf/page/2#post-443668 Thu, 13 Oct 2011 17:51:26 +0000 mamaKate 443668@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>What a heartwarming resolution. Thank you, Sona, for trusting the community by sharing your struggle and trusting yourself by following your instinct. You are an inspiration! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/otmy-lfie-my-marriage-my-budget-and-ylf/page/2#post-443660 Thu, 13 Oct 2011 17:41:43 +0000 qfbrenda 443660@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Yay! That is what marriage is all about... meeting in the middle. As long as you both are willing to do that, you'll balance each other out very well. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/otmy-lfie-my-marriage-my-budget-and-ylf/page/2#post-443594 Thu, 13 Oct 2011 16:19:25 +0000 Isis 443594@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>What a wonderful post, Sona. I'm actually a little teary reading it, because it is so sweet. You sound like you have a wonderful marriage that strives for communication, supporting each other (both strengths and weaknesses), understanding, and working toward solutions. You are lucky to have each other! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/otmy-lfie-my-marriage-my-budget-and-ylf/page/2#post-443591 Thu, 13 Oct 2011 16:14:44 +0000 Sona 443591@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>thank you to all. I have read and reread every reply.</p> <p> My husband grew up relatively poor although his father worked very hard and made a success of himself. But they were brought up by a widowed grandmother who was dependent on family charity until her sons ( my husband's dad and uncle) started working. so his background is insular and frugal.</p> <p> In the past,we have been to couple's counseling and have turned our marriage around from feeling less connected to much more connected. </p> <p>We agreed last night that I would keep a certain % (20) of each paycheck for "Sona stuff" and the other 80% would go to our joint checking account for household expenses.</p> <p>Neither piece of jewelry I sold was a present from DH. one was a diamond solitaire from Africa prior to diamonds becoming ethical and it was not something I ever wore due to the possible 'blood diamond' nature of it.</p> <p>He wants me to be happy, he wants me to be fashionable, he is just afraid of financial ruin ( we are far from it) so it will have to be baby steps for both of us.</p> <p>My Dad believed in enjoying today ( while saving within reason for tomorrow) and I never felt deprived growing up. My husband needs to learn that spending within reason can be pleasurable and I : I need to be a better saver.</p> <p>small baby steps..towwards each other... </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/otmy-lfie-my-marriage-my-budget-and-ylf/page/2#post-443546 Thu, 13 Oct 2011 15:11:41 +0000 Lynne 443546@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>sona, I am sending your big hugs. You have so much wonderful advice here from the brilliant YLF community, and all I can add is yet another 'hang in there and hold your ground on this'. It's a small piece of territory that I feel you do need to carve out for yourself, and I do think the advice of having some 'Sona money' that is yours to use at your discretion is a fair call. IMO :).</p> <p>On a lighter note; my DH objected to me spending 50euro on a handbag from Espirit several years ago, because I already had one handbag; why did I need another?. Without me orchestrating it, our lovely fashionista friend (waving to Jacquie if you're lurking) had a wonderful conversation with him about her new designer bag. New for that season, that is; she buys 4 a year. It was an aha moment for DH and a "THANK-YOU" moment for me :). I know your situation is deeper than this; just wanted to share :). </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/otmy-lfie-my-marriage-my-budget-and-ylf/page/2#post-443536 Thu, 13 Oct 2011 15:00:23 +0000 Vix 443536@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Hi Sona --</p> <p>You've had so many changes along with the loss of your dad; sounds like you have done so much in the last few years to keep yourself on a healthy track mentally and physically.</p> <p>So often stress and uncertainty seems to drive those with opposing viewpoints to, well, being more opposite, doesn't it? Which in turn adds to the stress, I know. There are so many great thoughts and strategies mentioned by YLFers upthread; I hope you are able to find some things that work for you/your family.</p> <p>Keep talking, keep trying....</p> <p>Unfortunately, I think the economic news is such a trigger for the very frugal right now. And it's not doing much for those of us who tend to feel guilt about spending on "unnecessary" items, either.</p> <p>IME with the very frugal, there will never be a "magic number" or "enough" in savings. The security blanket is never large enough. </p> <p>I would agree there is likely a backstory/unconscious need that your husband would benefit exploring, but I'm not going there and I doubt you'll get much traction either...instead, I'd focus on strategies/creating and reinforcing your boundaries.</p> <p>So: I would think about talking to your husband about what percent he thinks you should each be saving, and what you ARE saving. [The plus side of being with a compulsive tracker -- you have the latter number at your fingertips!] Obviously this number is very large.</p> <p>Then tell him you understand his preference and his desire to protect your family, but you feel right NOW X% to Y% [make sure you give a range!] is the number that works best for you in terms of enjoying life and protecting your future. </p> <p>That gives you some negotiating room (remember to keep your final percent to a range, and I'd suggest percent vs hard number).</p> <p>Remind him that of course you can revisit your range anytime a financial expenditure/crisis comes up. And maybe set a regular time to do this (every 3 months? every 6?) and check in with him so he feels he's being heard. </p> <p>Echoing others, I'd just have this money direct deposited from your paycheck to another account. </p> <p>Personally, I wouldn't have anything you spend from that account tracked in the joint Mint. The Mint can reflect the money is going INTO your personal savings but not what goes out...because really, ANY "frivolous" spending you do will just give him anxiety and keep the good/bad dynamics in play. [Create your own tracking system/Mint account if desired.]</p> <p>Wishing you continued luck with creating a happier, healthier life! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/otmy-lfie-my-marriage-my-budget-and-ylf/page/2#post-443512 Thu, 13 Oct 2011 14:34:37 +0000 mrseccentric 443512@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Hi Sona! it takes guts to lay it all out like this - brava to you! you've received a ton of insight here, i'm sure you'll be able to sort it all out. it's not fun, but it sure is life!! :)</p> <p>i also have suffered from severe and chronic depression. It's an ugly disease. Butterfly Lady mentions something i've also found to be true - acting like a healthy person helps you to become healthy. this includes exercise, eating right, getting the proper amount of sleep, dressing well/grooming yourself, interacting with and being interested in other people and their doings, being creative. </p> <p>As you have demonstrated this fall, keeping up with these healthy activities really does make a difference! When i saw for myself how this truly worked, i felt as if someone had thrown the keys to my jail over the fence. it's amazing, and it doesn't carry the price some medications do (although medications can really help - it's just great to have other options as well).</p> <p>It seems that your participation in YLF has been a big part in this - i'm not surprised I'm thinking you might find it worthwhile to consider other ways in which you could, now or in the future, participate in more and different activities that also involve the visual creativity and camaraderie that we all find expression for here at YLF. For instance, you might enjoy taking a photography class, or a painting course. Or you could volunteer at your local Discovery Store, helping to set up the window displays. Or with the Dress for Success organization.</p> <p>It's just a feeling i got, but i'm guessing you're pretty full up with your schedule as it is (!), and you may not have time for these activities right now. One of the great things about YLF is that it is so easy to fit in to even a crazy day. But you never know what the future will bring - you may go through a time when you don't want to do so much shopping, or you feel like your closet is set, or you want to learn more about color and line so you can be more adventurous and skillful in your outfits. Or you might come up with something that sounds fun and would fit in your schedule right now - who knows!</p> <p>But it seemed like this is giving you some great information about what you love and what makes you happy and healthy, and you may as well get the most you can out of it! Big hug to you Sona, steph </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/otmy-lfie-my-marriage-my-budget-and-ylf/page/2#post-443481 Thu, 13 Oct 2011 13:35:54 +0000 Anonymous 443481@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Hey, I am waay to inexperienced to add to the wisdom, but wanted to give you a hug. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/otmy-lfie-my-marriage-my-budget-and-ylf/page/2#post-443472 Thu, 13 Oct 2011 13:23:14 +0000 ButterflyLady 443472@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Sona, big hugs from me.</p> <p>You've had brilliant advice from the others, and you have done so well, considering all that you have going on in your life, to not fall foul of depression this fall. I have had periods of depression in my life, and one of the first symptoms for me is lack of care about my appearance - I just want to turn my back to the world and be alone, what I am wearing is completely unimportant.</p> <p>The fact that you are taking care of your appearance is a very good sign for your mental health.</p> <p>In our marriage, my husband and I have our own personal accounts and allowances, and what we spend that money on is our affair, we don't have to answer to each other. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/otmy-lfie-my-marriage-my-budget-and-ylf/page/2#post-443471 Thu, 13 Oct 2011 13:19:05 +0000 Anonymous 443471@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I have every confidence that you and your husband will work out a compromise. And I would much prefer to talk money issues with a husband who likes to save money than one who can't live within his means. It's a pain in the butt sometimes to be married to someone so frugal, but really, consider yourself blessed in this regard compared to many people in the United States right now. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/otmy-lfie-my-marriage-my-budget-and-ylf/page/2#post-443462 Thu, 13 Oct 2011 12:28:36 +0000 nancylee 443462@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Just chiming in to echo everyone's excellent advice...and to give you a hug. All will be well. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/otmy-lfie-my-marriage-my-budget-and-ylf/page/2#post-443427 Thu, 13 Oct 2011 10:01:54 +0000 goldenpig 443427@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Sona, big hugs to you. You have been through so much and your strength has carried you through. I am so impressed what you have done to make things better in your life and for those around you. Depression is an awful disease, it can make you feel worthless inside. So anything you can do to feel better about yourself including taking care of your appearance is important and justified...if you feel good about your appearance, you will be much happier and more self-confident. Hopefully you can get through to your husband and let him know how important it is to you. It sounds like you're in great financial shape and can afford to buy new clothes and doesn't sound like you are going overboard at all. You certainly need new clothes since you've lost so much weight--what an accomplishment! You've gotten great advice from all the other ladies, and I'd agree with having an agreed-upon budget and separate "mad money" account if possible. It's hard because a lot of men don't understand or care about fashion. Funny that Isabel posted a link to my prior thread because I sort of felt the same way when my husband was criticizing my taking pics of myself. But the good news is, he is pretty supportive now, and he even went shopping with me today and bought me some new Anne Fontaine blouses as an early Christmas present! I could hardly believe it! We've been talking more, and even though he still gets fed up with my picture-taking, he does understand how important it is for me to feel good about myself. I hope you can continue to talk with your husband and get his support too. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more...I totally get it. Anyways, here's more hugs and I hope things work out and you feel better again soon. By the way, I always look forward to your WIW posts and think you have a fabulous sense of style!<br /> Oh, PS it was me who had the two kids and a closet full of Japanese Weekend maternity clothes. It's all packed away now, I swear! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/otmy-lfie-my-marriage-my-budget-and-ylf/page/2#post-443403 Thu, 13 Oct 2011 07:55:43 +0000 Aunty 443403@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Sona, I am so pleased that you shared this with us. It was so brave of you. My mother suffered terrible depression all my life, and here in the 60's it was not taken as an illness.</p> <p>You have had such wonderful advice already, I will only add that I belive that communication with DH is so important. Keep talking, talk untill your throat is sore if you have to. </p> <p>Please PM any time.</p> <p>BIg huggs and hope all goes well xxxx </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/otmy-lfie-my-marriage-my-budget-and-ylf/page/2#post-443401 Thu, 13 Oct 2011 07:40:27 +0000 HeleenH 443401@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Dear Sona, I have read all the wise and loving messages. So many insightfull views. Maybe I can add another one.<br /> In one of your replies, you say "in the past I've bought stuff to fill a void but it never has".<br /> Is it possible that your husband is afraid you are heading in that direction again? In that case, it might help if you show him your wardrope plan (provided you have one). What do you already own, what are the holes in your wardrobe that you need to fill and what are the holes in your wardrobe that you would like to fill. So he gets an idea of where the money is going and why.<br /> He doesn't have to worry that you are going to buy 12 winter coats and 8 summer coats, just because you like the next one you see even better than the last one. You are aiming for a sensible wardrobe. Maybe explain the different capsules (for example work, home, excersize, party/wedding, funeral) and different seasons. If you are like me your aiming at a wardrobe that probably will be smaller than before, but this time you are actually wearing what you have bought, rather than having a wardrobe full of items you only wear once or twice and that are cluttering up your space. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/otmy-lfie-my-marriage-my-budget-and-ylf/page/2#post-443397 Thu, 13 Oct 2011 06:18:44 +0000 Sowmya 443397@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Sona. Big hug. Everyone has demons, but what sets us apart is how we handle situations and break out of the depths of darkness. Very brave of you to put yourself out there. I'd like to narrate something - my father is an alcoholic and compulsive gambler - growing up we had absolutely no money and my mum's meagre income was barely enough to put food on the table. This drove me and I was determined to get myself a good education - and we are comfortably off now (both my mother and my little family comprising my husband and me). However I am psycho about spending money. I pinch pennies, deny myself luxuries and I'm terribly afraid of going back to a place we were in - its irrational yes and I'm trying to change. My husband helps me through it - though he sometimes is the brunt of my flying off the handle - sometimes its to do with his spending (which is probably the opposite situation you are facing). One of the reasons I joined this forum is to help myself balance my compuslive need to squirrel away everything with buying myself things I need and deserve. I'm still going to be budget buying - but this really helps.<br /> Anyway aside from my little (yikes or not so little) ramble, is there any reason why your husband doesn't like to spend? Any back story there? Best thing to do is talk through it, explain to him why you need to budget more for clothes (if its going to make you happy while not denting your overall finances - its well worth it right?). If this is the first time you've really stood up to him over your clothes spending, maybe you should go back to the drawing board and figure out your budgets and demonstrate that a higher allocation to clothes isnt going to hurt. As an equal, sensible adult in the house you have the right to do that. Good luck and please take care. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/otmy-lfie-my-marriage-my-budget-and-ylf/page/2#post-443395 Thu, 13 Oct 2011 06:09:41 +0000 Fruitful 443395@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I've read your post Sona, as well as all the replies, and I can't add any wisdom :).</p> <p>Your Dad sounds like an amazing, precious gift and I am so glad you are letting his legacy give you the strength to take care of yourself, and assert your right to do so.</p> <p>I hope hubby comes around soon, or at least you can find a way to not let his judgements hurt you (it's one thing to be tough and strong, but it doesn't mean we're not hurt by the situation that forced us to be tough!).</p> <p>I've noticed everything go downhill for me come autumn, and ease off in the lightness of Spring (and it's not even that cold in Melbourne compared to where you and Una are!). This year I tried to take special measures to counter this, and I think if you have some tools at your disposal you'd be mad not to use them. You are not an irresponsible shopper.</p> <p>Big hugs and may this be your best Fall yet xoxo </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/otmy-lfie-my-marriage-my-budget-and-ylf/page/2#post-443381 Thu, 13 Oct 2011 04:41:19 +0000 Scarlet 443381@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I just wanted to say that I really admire how you have managed to change your life and take care of yourself. It sounds to me like you are being completely reasonable, and I wish you strength and good luck to find a resolution to this situation. I am sure there is a way. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/otmy-lfie-my-marriage-my-budget-and-ylf/page/2#post-443371 Thu, 13 Oct 2011 04:13:14 +0000 elpgal 443371@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>You are a smart strong woman and I am humbled by the way you took charge of your life and turned things around. Others have given you a lot of good ideas and I hope you will find something that works for your situation. </p>