https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-would-you-tell-your-friend-the-truth-in-this-situation Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Wed, 22 Apr 2026 21:21:48 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-would-you-tell-your-friend-the-truth-in-this-situation/page/2#post-605561 Fri, 27 Apr 2012 14:51:56 +0000 Anonymous 605561@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Just remember: You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.</p> <p>I don't know what can be done to help someone who doesn't want help. Maybe this poor soul hasn't hit rock bottom and doesn't yet realize she needs to get her act together. The tragedy of it all is that her daughter is suffering so much. It's so sad! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-would-you-tell-your-friend-the-truth-in-this-situation/page/2#post-604394 Thu, 26 Apr 2012 01:11:37 +0000 Sveta 604394@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Honestly, I don't think anything you say to her can change her. If she had a child for 14+ years and did not learn how to treat her I don't think there is any hope here. Some women are just not created to be mothers and she is one of them. I pity the poor daughter and hope she won't get into all too common teenage troubles because she is neglected.<br /> I think this woman is building a lonely old age for herself... </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-would-you-tell-your-friend-the-truth-in-this-situation/page/2#post-604342 Thu, 26 Apr 2012 00:30:15 +0000 Victoria 604342@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>rae, thanks for the words of wisdom-I actually spoke to her briefly today because she was complaining again how much her daughter hates her bf and told her that her daughter feels that she puts men before her and that the incident of her dissappearing overnight is a perfect example. To that she said"well, can you understand that I just didn't want to deal with her? That day I already had one argument with her and I didn't want to talk to her anymore. She is too spoiled and wants me all to herself". I felt like I might as well be talking to a wall..why did I even bother.. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-would-you-tell-your-friend-the-truth-in-this-situation/page/2#post-604142 Wed, 25 Apr 2012 21:18:08 +0000 rae 604142@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>"I devoted my life to her and I can't even do anything on my own, she is so selfish."</p> <p>I've had variations of this phrase said to me many times - it's pretty much a sure sign that this woman is living on her own planet, where she is never wrong and everyone is out to aggitate her. Likely, if you approach her abou this, she will turn it around in her mind until she believes that you are attacking her for some far-fetched reason. </p> <p>That said... look, her behaviour is working for her. In her mind, she has a man, she has friends, she must be doing things right. I echo Una's question on how much you value her friendship, since she doesn't seem like someone I'd want to be friends with. If *enough* people say something, it might eventually sink in. </p> <p>If that isn't an option... well, the DD only has a few more years before she is an adult and can make her own decision about where to live and who to depend on. :T </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-would-you-tell-your-friend-the-truth-in-this-situation/page/2#post-604046 Wed, 25 Apr 2012 19:26:22 +0000 rachylou 604046@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I will second Jayne on calling in any official group. My daughter is my daughter because foster care is devastation. Neglect is, frankly, not as bad as total devastation. You know, children are blindfolded often enough when taken into foster care - to disorient them and making running back home the more difficult. They are kidnapped and it goes on from there. Barring rape, imprisonment, torture, and murder, being kidnapped is not helpful. The children also get nothing when turned loose at 18 - no schooling, no financial support, no nothing. If they aren't taken, then it's all the same except the ante's been upped on the bad parent. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-would-you-tell-your-friend-the-truth-in-this-situation#post-604035 Wed, 25 Apr 2012 19:06:00 +0000 ironkurtin 604035@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Jayne, you are very brave to share your story with us. Thank you for that!</p> <p>Victoria, I just want to say you have a good heart for taking this issue on, whatever you do here. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-would-you-tell-your-friend-the-truth-in-this-situation#post-604026 Wed, 25 Apr 2012 18:55:10 +0000 Victoria 604026@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Deborah: I talked to a mutual friend yesterday who is assistant to the pastor and she actually told me(in confidence) that pastor have tried to talk to her recently about this and other issues and that she refused to listen to him and essentially told him to butt out. I guess if she didn't want to hear him, she won't listen to me, I am sure.<br /> Alaskagirl: we used to be close friends but I sort of distanced myself from her this past year because of her behavior. I guess I feel bad if I took her out of my life altogether because I think she needs help </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-would-you-tell-your-friend-the-truth-in-this-situation#post-603701 Wed, 25 Apr 2012 13:40:57 +0000 Anonymous 603701@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>If you honestly feel you can't talk to this woman, I agree with Louise. This is a case for child services. I personally don't think I could sit back and watch this stuff go on. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-would-you-tell-your-friend-the-truth-in-this-situation#post-603585 Wed, 25 Apr 2012 07:43:20 +0000 Louise 603585@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>How old is the daughter? Here in the UK the NSPCC advise that no child under 16 is left alone at night! If you feel she is in danger or being neglected your priority is the child not her useless mother and you should contact the police or child services x </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-would-you-tell-your-friend-the-truth-in-this-situation#post-603577 Wed, 25 Apr 2012 07:00:44 +0000 ManidipaM 603577@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I have no advice to offer. just wanted to say this makes me want to cry for all concerned :(</p> <p>Hugs, Jayne... glad you came safe through those years. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-would-you-tell-your-friend-the-truth-in-this-situation#post-603555 Wed, 25 Apr 2012 06:08:02 +0000 Deborah 603555@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Victoria, could you bring the situation to the attention of your church minister? And seek some direction from him/her? My concern is for the daughter, so providing a good support system for her is important. Mum clearly has issues that are not going to be easily addressed or quickly fixed. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-would-you-tell-your-friend-the-truth-in-this-situation#post-603543 Wed, 25 Apr 2012 05:28:48 +0000 catgirl 603543@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Victoria, one last thing - when you say this woman is a friend, is she someone you confide in and who confides in you? Are there other qualities you value about her that would make it worthwhile to be honest with her? Or conversely, if there are not, would it matter if you lost her friendship by saying something? </p> <p>I'm not sure you said how old the girl is - obviously there's a big difference between 13 and 17, for instance. But this mom is getting away with seriously bad behavior which will have lasting repercussions, as Jayne so poignantly said. I too have friends who do not speak to their mothers for having behaved this way. </p> <p>The book and movie "Anywhere But Here" by Mona Simpson has a perfect portrayal of a mother obsessed with finding a man to the point of emotionally abandoning her teen daughter. This was most definitely NOT my experience as a child, but just reading about it was so painful! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-would-you-tell-your-friend-the-truth-in-this-situation#post-603537 Wed, 25 Apr 2012 05:21:59 +0000 jayne 603537@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>This is beyond words for me. Unfortunately, I grew up with a similar situation so I feel so bad for the daughter. But, she is tougher than I was, she is saying something to her mother. And that girl LOVES her mother, She would NOT want to be taken away from her. So please don't bring any official group into this. This might be neglectful, but it is not neglect and it is not abuse. The daughter would be the one punished if she were taken from her mother. Horrified at the thought!</p> <p>The mother obviously feels a need to have a man in her life. She is immature. She will not likely listen to criticism. I would discretely chat with daughter and give her the support. Tell her to call her grandparents, make it clear she should not be alone like this, and make sure she knows how to keep herself SAFE those nights she is alone.</p> <p>And I would 'afterwards' make sure to say something outright and clear to the mother in front of the daughter. Yes, this would go against your husbands wishes, but it would give the daughter the sense that she is in the right, that she has the world on her side. The mother is looking for affirmation that she is right to feel abused by her daughter. Silence is affirmation. Sorry, but it is true. And she probably would not hear the sense in you disagreeing, but you would have said it, it would be the right thing, not the easy thing, to do. </p> <p>And you, of course, are not me, so I don't really expect you to do what I would do. But I have been that daughter, so I am driven to prevent such a situation for anyone else. My daughters think I am paranoid about leaving them home alone. Which is my extreme overreaction to the past, but I am allowed to make mistakes too, ones that keep them safe and make them feel loved! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-would-you-tell-your-friend-the-truth-in-this-situation#post-603510 Wed, 25 Apr 2012 03:53:36 +0000 Fruitful 603510@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Victoria, I know a couple of women like this, who have 1 daughter only. Seems they somehow overidentify with the daughter/see her as an extension of themselves and are unable to see the parent/child relationship. Example, one friend is often upset with how her 2 year old is "manipulative" and tries to make her feel bad by saying "I want Grandma" in front of her. Another one has a very difficult tween-aged daughter and gets friends to have her stay for the weekend so she can get time to herself, but never returns the favour, and also doesn't do anything to change the behaviour, just gets upset about her daughter hurting her feelings. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-would-you-tell-your-friend-the-truth-in-this-situation#post-603434 Wed, 25 Apr 2012 01:54:04 +0000 Victoria 603434@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Liz: there is someone like that but unfortunately, these two had a falling out last fall and not on speaking terms anymore. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-would-you-tell-your-friend-the-truth-in-this-situation#post-603423 Wed, 25 Apr 2012 01:43:47 +0000 Liz 603423@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Is there a wise, seasoned mom-of-teens at your church that you could help this woman connect with, maybe saying, "Parenting a teen IS hard; Susan has so much experience and might be a great help for you. How about I see if the three of us can get together for coffee sometime?" If your friend developed some trust with Susan (assuming Susan exists) there might be an opening for her to say things that you aren't able to say. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-would-you-tell-your-friend-the-truth-in-this-situation#post-603417 Wed, 25 Apr 2012 01:36:51 +0000 Victoria 603417@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Ironkurtin: yes, she does act like a teenager. her daughter is actually very mature and driven and has a good head on her shoulders. This lady is a single mom so no, no father is present. Not much I can do other than offer her daughter encouragement and advice </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-would-you-tell-your-friend-the-truth-in-this-situation#post-603415 Wed, 25 Apr 2012 01:29:39 +0000 ironkurtin 603415@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Victoria, this makes me so sad. The mother has abandoned her role as nurturer of her child and thinks of the two of them as peers - when they aren't. The mother is not the teen, but ishe's acting like one. This forces the kid into the mom role, resulting in something destructive for everyone. I sincerely hope the grandparents (no father in the picture I take it?) fill a nurturing role this poor kid needs. And I'm sorry you have the psychic load of worrying like this. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-would-you-tell-your-friend-the-truth-in-this-situation#post-603407 Wed, 25 Apr 2012 01:22:10 +0000 wendyraye 603407@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>You are in a tough spot. Maybe your friend feels she missed out on life somehow (by having a child?) and wants to make up for lost time. She confides in you, so she must value your opinion. You can't just tell her she's wrong - she said herself that she'd rather "not call" her daughter, than get lectured. The next time she complains try this: be sympathetic. Say something like, "Sounds like you're frustrated with things right now." Then do the unexpected: offer help. Maybe say, "Is there anything I can do to help?" I bet this would take her by surprise and get her thinking, which might help open her eyes. I'm not implying you "drop everything" to help this woman, but maybe you could offer her daughter to call you when she is worried about her mom being gone? That would be a huge help for the one that needs it most!<br /> I wish you luck. Keep us updated!! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-would-you-tell-your-friend-the-truth-in-this-situation#post-603372 Wed, 25 Apr 2012 00:43:38 +0000 Victoria 603372@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Isabel: she has grandparents living nearby so I know she has someone to look out for her if she needs place to stay, food or whatever. We go to the same church as her mom so my husband and I told her daughter to call us if she needed anything after her mom stayed away overnight. Hopefully, its enough...I feel really sad for this girl though..Her mom just texted me about their argument earlier, along the lines of"I devoted my life to her and I can't even do anything on my own, she is so selfish". I honestly don't know what to say to that... </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-would-you-tell-your-friend-the-truth-in-this-situation#post-603360 Wed, 25 Apr 2012 00:34:34 +0000 Fruitful 603360@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I don't think this woman is worth your time. When she complains, I'd say something honest and politely challenging. But it sounds like you did and she doesn't care. I'd make sure the daughter knows she can call you if you're open to that. Maybe let the school know, or another family member if possible. What worries me is I wouldn't want the kid taken away from her home, as she could end up in a worse situation. That woman is a $%#$%. Sorry. I'd want nothing more to do with someone like that. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-would-you-tell-your-friend-the-truth-in-this-situation#post-603356 Wed, 25 Apr 2012 00:27:15 +0000 Isabel 603356@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Victoria, it is so wonderful of you to care so much about her daughter. Unfortunately, the truth is that this woman doesn't care. So she won't take in anything you say in earnest and in turn think that you are being mean to her. I just don't get women who will put men, undesirable men, as top priority. She is unreachable and just wants her child out the door ASAP. This is a complete and utter role reversal. </p> <p>I would just act confused, " Wow, I don't understand why you would want your daughter to worry so much. She loves you. "</p> <p>I would also be there for the girl. Does she need food ? Does she get scared being home alone ? Can she call you ? </p> <p>Unfortunately, this woman would probably be thrilled if social services came in and put the girl in foster care.</p> <p>You might want to drop her school an anonymous note about what is happening. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-would-you-tell-your-friend-the-truth-in-this-situation#post-603322 Tue, 24 Apr 2012 23:59:38 +0000 bj1111 603322@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>no, i would not discuss the situation with the mother, unless we were really close friends, especially if i would have to spend any significant amount of time with her. BUT i would let the daughter know that she can call you if you are comfortable with that. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-would-you-tell-your-friend-the-truth-in-this-situation#post-603321 Tue, 24 Apr 2012 23:58:47 +0000 Victoria 603321@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Zapotee: I agree with you comptely. I would have said something already if my DH told me not to get involved. After I started thinking about it, I started doubting that my comments will have any effect on her </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-would-you-tell-your-friend-the-truth-in-this-situation#post-603308 Tue, 24 Apr 2012 23:52:19 +0000 ironkurtin 603308@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I believe that is abandonment and child abuse. I'll be blunt and say she sounds more immature than her teen daughter!</p> <p>I'd want to shake her. But Unfortunately I don't think confronting her will make her change her ways. Depending on how involved you wanted to get, I'd focus on the daughter instead of the mother. That way when your friend disappears, DD has someone to call and rely on. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-would-you-tell-your-friend-the-truth-in-this-situation#post-603301 Tue, 24 Apr 2012 23:44:45 +0000 Anonymous 603301@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Honestly. I would say it like it is and I'm sorry if your acquaintance does not like it. I throw the sensitivity out the window in a situation like this. I know this is usually not my business, but I make it my business! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-would-you-tell-your-friend-the-truth-in-this-situation#post-603296 Tue, 24 Apr 2012 23:39:43 +0000 Victoria 603296@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>thanks for advice ladies-perhaps I should keep my mouth shut. At the time when she didn't come home overnight, I was very shocked and asked her why wouldn't she call her daughter. Her answer was"I knew we were going to get into argument about it so I didn't want her lecturing me". Yeah..As Echos said, I don't think she will change if I point out"the errors of her ways" </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-would-you-tell-your-friend-the-truth-in-this-situation#post-603221 Tue, 24 Apr 2012 22:31:15 +0000 rachylou 603221@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I would act all bewildered and say, "Ohmigosh, it sounds like you're saying you left your daughter home alone all night... that would be too weird. Goodness. What a thought! Crazy!" And then I'd wander away.</p> <p>I find that showing bewilderment goes a little farther in making an impression than describing what people should or shouldn't be doing - whether given as counsel or a dressing down. Too intellectual. Whether or not you're a member of the crowd is far more motivating. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-would-you-tell-your-friend-the-truth-in-this-situation#post-603214 Tue, 24 Apr 2012 22:10:55 +0000 velvetychocolate 603214@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I like rae's advice - don't bring it up yourself, but next time your friend complains about difficulties with her daughter, see if you can very nicely/gently suggest that her daughter is probably missing her a bit. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-would-you-tell-your-friend-the-truth-in-this-situation#post-603202 Tue, 24 Apr 2012 22:02:58 +0000 Echo 603202@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Oh, what a sad situation. However, while telling her what any mother with any common sense ought to know might make you feel better, it likely won't change her behaviour. People who cannot see the reality in front of their faces generally don't take well to advice. She told you flat-out that she wants to have "her own life", and so she is treating her DD like a friend (and not a particularly good one at that) instead of a daughter. Sadly, you cannot force someone to be a responsible parent. This woman has decided to put a man above her own child; if she were a responsible parent, this situation wouldn't exist. And given that her DD is a teenager, CPS likely would not become involved and it is too late for parenting classes. </p> <p>I hate to say this, but I just can't see any way that you trying to tell her how much her DD needs her is going to make her change. </p>