https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-for-non-moms-by-choice-how-do-you-handle-the-pressure-questions Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Thu, 23 Apr 2026 03:24:53 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-for-non-moms-by-choice-how-do-you-handle-the-pressure-questions/page/3#post-593388 Wed, 11 Apr 2012 15:50:06 +0000 lynne 593388@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Rae, like you, I knew early on that I didn't want children of my own. I didn't think I'd do a good job with it. That being said, I also knew that I liked kids and wanted to make my career working with them. I taught for over 30 years; was good at it and loved it. I enjoy other people's children and have truly never missed having them myself. My response to questions would depend on who's asking and their intention. There's no need to be rude or pretend things you don't feel. A simple "Why do you ask?" will usually stop or derail questioning or make the person clarify their intent. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-for-non-moms-by-choice-how-do-you-handle-the-pressure-questions/page/3#post-593124 Wed, 11 Apr 2012 05:28:02 +0000 RandomThoughts (Andrea) 593124@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Ali your post made me laugh.</p> <p>Once some ladies at my old job asked me if I had children. I replied, "Why yes, five."</p> <p>They were stunned to silence.</p> <p>I let it play out for several beats before saying, "And they all have four feet and fuzzy faces!" They laughed and proceeded to tell me all about their dogs. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-for-non-moms-by-choice-how-do-you-handle-the-pressure-questions/page/3#post-593109 Wed, 11 Apr 2012 04:57:06 +0000 Scarlet 593109@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Oh, well that's a bit different from what I was imagining if it's the same people pressuring you over and over. In that case I think Alicat makes a great point about other people's expectations. So true. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-for-non-moms-by-choice-how-do-you-handle-the-pressure-questions/page/3#post-592893 Wed, 11 Apr 2012 00:30:24 +0000 Anonymous 592893@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I've heard all the comments "you're not a real woman", "It's the most important thing you'll ever do" "You might change your mind" "never say never" "you're selfish" (never understood this one). </p> <p>I turn it back on them and ask "WHY?" </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-for-non-moms-by-choice-how-do-you-handle-the-pressure-questions/page/3#post-592696 Tue, 10 Apr 2012 19:03:02 +0000 DonnaF 592696@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>What is hard is when both members of the couple aren't in sync. He didn't want kids; maybe she didn't either at first or maybe she just told him she didn't. Then she got pregnant and thought he would eventually change his mind. He didn't. To stay married, she chose him over the child, and various members of my church stepped in to nurture this child and give her the love she deserved. Needless to say, this girl needed (and got) years of therapy. Fast forward: the couple eventually split up when their daughter was in high school or college, whereupon the dad now has more of a relationship with the girl than the mom. </p> <p>Every child deserves to be wanted. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-for-non-moms-by-choice-how-do-you-handle-the-pressure-questions/page/3#post-592638 Tue, 10 Apr 2012 18:06:16 +0000 Anonymous 592638@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Rae, here's what I wish I had "gotten" at your age. People will have all kinds of expectations, about children and lots of other things. Just because someone has an expectation doesn't mean you have to fulfill it. Feeling pressured internally is always optional. </p> <p>I am happily child-free by choice. Most of the time people who ask about children are just making conversation and they don't mean to be obnoxious. Here are the responses that I've used.</p> <p>Q: Do you have kids?<br /> A: "Only my husband!" said with a bright smile and a laugh. </p> <p>Q: Are you going to have kids?<br /> A: Oh, kids aren't in the stars for us. (smile and change topic)</p> <p>Q: Are you going to have kids?<br /> A: That ship has sailed! (smile and change topic--that works now that I'm older)</p> <p>If people continue to question you, of course you get to shut them down. And of course you get to change your mind too! Big hugs. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-for-non-moms-by-choice-how-do-you-handle-the-pressure-questions/page/3#post-592637 Tue, 10 Apr 2012 18:04:55 +0000 catgirl 592637@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Scarlet, good point. Assuming we were in agreement, I once ranted to a friend of a friend (we were both childless at the time and she was past child-bearing age) about societal expectations and pressures on women to have children, and why people couldn't understand that some of us just didn't like kids. She was very polite about it. I later found out that she actually had desperately wanted children and was infertile after complications with an IUD. Major shame on my part for that little mistake. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-for-non-moms-by-choice-how-do-you-handle-the-pressure-questions/page/3#post-592626 Tue, 10 Apr 2012 17:58:19 +0000 Scarlet 592626@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Rae, honestly at some level i think you have to harden yourself because you are just going to keep getting this kind of question, whether you should or not. Ask any woman who would prefer not to discuss her unwished for infertility. I think outside of my friends I have always avoided getting drawn into a discussion about this, but to be honest I probably do so by giving some kind of a concrete put-off, like oh, DH and I need more time just for us after our long-distance relationship, or I just started a new job, or whatever plausible thing pops into my head. My real thoughts and feelings are reserved for close friends. I love the suggestions of "oh, we are happy now", or "oh, I don't discuss that". So perfect! I will use this at an upcoming extended in-law event I have been dreading. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-for-non-moms-by-choice-how-do-you-handle-the-pressure-questions/page/3#post-592620 Tue, 10 Apr 2012 17:55:18 +0000 rae 592620@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Oof, I should have said that casual inquiries never bother me at ALL (MaryK)! It is the people who have already heard my position and (often several) explanations, yet still persist, that wear me down. </p> <p>HK, thank you for that link! </p> <p>RoseandJoan, I can't watch the video here, but I will take a look at home. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-for-non-moms-by-choice-how-do-you-handle-the-pressure-questions/page/2#post-592587 Tue, 10 Apr 2012 17:38:18 +0000 RoseandJoan 592587@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>...and we wonder why there are so many teen pregnancies.</p> <p>I feel sad that so many of you who have made the decision to not have children are branded selfish or feel the need to call your self selfish by way of defense. You are not selfish you have made a choice: please do not let anyone make you feel inferior for knowing your own mind!</p> <p>I do believe most people have the need or desire to nurture but this is not a precursor for children and this need may be met in many ways.</p> <p>If I happened to be in your situation I would probably say something along the lines of ' we are happy and healthy, thank you for your interest' and if pushed 'times are changing'.</p> <p>Good luck Rae!</p> <p><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kf527eZrVUo" rel="nofollow">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kf527eZrVUo</a> (around 2mins 20 </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-for-non-moms-by-choice-how-do-you-handle-the-pressure-questions/page/2#post-592563 Tue, 10 Apr 2012 17:14:56 +0000 HelloKitty 592563@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Hi Rae, I'm so sorry to hear about this. Have you heard of an organization called No Kidding? It's a social club for adults without children. There is a SoCal chapter - you may want to check it out! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-for-non-moms-by-choice-how-do-you-handle-the-pressure-questions/page/2#post-592559 Tue, 10 Apr 2012 17:11:18 +0000 goldenpig 592559@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>DH and I were together for 15 years (married for 7) before we had kids (I was 34 when I had my first). We got a lot of pressure esp from DH's mom, since he is an only. We would send her pics of our cats and she would say, "If only this were a grandchild!" and we would say, "Sorry, a grandkitty is all you're getting!" My OB told me when I was in my early 30's to have kids now or my ovaries would shrivel up (not exactly, but something along those lines!). I said, "OK thanks" and ignored him. </p> <p>Neither of us are kid crazy (we love our kids, but don't exactly go gaga over other people's kids or babies in general) and we enjoyed our life together traveling, doing whatever we wanted at a moment's notice, kayaking and diving, etc. All that is different now and I'm not going to lie and say it's great all the time--our relationship has definitely suffered from the stress of having kids. Would I do it again--yes of course! I can't imagine life without them and they bring us such joy, so all the stress is worth it. But for a long long time, we didn't want kids, couldn't afford them, no time, etc. Our jobs and training were too intense and demanding for us to be able to think of having kids. It was only much later that we felt somewhat ready for them, after he was done with all his med school/residency/fellowship training and I was nearly done with my fellowship. We have another couple that we are friends with and they got married at the same time as us and they don't have kids--I don't think they are trying either. She is a teacher so she has plenty of kid time. </p> <p>Many people don't have kids and that's just fine and none of anyone's business except you and your DH! And even if you reserve the right to change your mind later, everyone should still mind their own business!</p> <p>Having kids is not for everyone and it definitely affects your relationship so it's not something to do lightly. I agree it's none of anyone else's business whether or not you have kids or how many (we also got the "When are you going to have another?" after DD). </p> <p>I like the line of "We're happy with the way things are now." and followup with "It's not something I want to discuss." if they press you. Repeat ad nauseum. </p> <p>Lots of hugs and hope you can find a way to deal with the nosy Nellies in your life! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-for-non-moms-by-choice-how-do-you-handle-the-pressure-questions/page/2#post-592550 Tue, 10 Apr 2012 17:01:25 +0000 Sunita 592550@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Oh Rae...how insensitive of them and tough on you! I have 2 kids of my own, but was conflicted about having kids. I won't say I have no regrets...especially with young kids there are *so* many hours of mind-numbing drudgery...but I'd do it again in a heartbeat!</p> <p>But, I strongly feel that if a couple does not have kids, for *whatever* reason, society should respect that. There are way too many unwanted, neglected, and abused children in this world.</p> <p>I'd try a polite brush-off first, but if they persist and if you have the gumption, I'd respond with: "That's a very personal question...why is it any of your business?" </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-for-non-moms-by-choice-how-do-you-handle-the-pressure-questions/page/2#post-592543 Tue, 10 Apr 2012 16:49:07 +0000 MsMary 592543@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>*wracking my brain trying to remember if I asked rae if she were going to have kids and hoping like heck I didn't*</p> <p>Rae, big hugs!! I have my one child but current hubby and I chose not to have any more so I've kinda BTDT, too. </p> <p>I have a couple of thoughts:</p> <p>1. It's nobody's business and you NEVER owe anybody an explanation of your life choices. Period, full stop. I LOVE the Miss Manners response: "Oh, I don't discuss that."</p> <p>2. That said, many people are just idiots who are trying to make conversation and if you can deliver the "Oh, I don't discuss that" lightly and with a smile, that will generally be that, with no need for hard feelings on either side.</p> <p>3. I also love "Thank you for your input. I'll be sure to give it the appropriate consideration." Heh. Where "appropriate" = "none." </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-for-non-moms-by-choice-how-do-you-handle-the-pressure-questions/page/2#post-592536 Tue, 10 Apr 2012 16:41:10 +0000 Janet 592536@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I love Kyle's response, and I relate to VC's post. </p> <p>Until I hit my 30s I just assumed that someday I'd have kids, but I never felt the strong desire. Even before I met my husband, I thought that someday I would consider adopting a child rather than carrying one myself -- I have never felt a desire to be pregnant at all. </p> <p>My husband had been married twice before we met, and let's just say he'd taken steps during his second marriage to not father any more children. So I did a lot of soul searching while we were dating -- for one, I didn't even know if he would want to marry again, and he had two children already (the boys were 6 and 8 when we first met). Was I ok with ruling out the idea of having kids? I decided that being with the person I love was more important to me than marriage or children. Well, he ended up proposing, and we married and I became a stepmom to teenage boys. </p> <p>Still, some people did ask when we were going to have kids of our own, and I usually responded that we had no plans to have more. End of story. Some people who I was closer with would get a slightly more detailed answer, but I usually managed to shut down this line of conversation fairly quickly. Thankfully, my mom seemed to understand better than almost anyone, and she never pestered me to have children. </p> <p>Now, my husband asks me every so often if I'm sure I don't want kids! I laugh and say, "God, no!" I don't want to be turning 50 while I watch my child first head off to pre-school! I'm ok with babies, but don't pine to take care of one. Not at all. </p> <p>So Rae, it looks like you have plenty of good company. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty or like you need to explain yourself. It's your life! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-for-non-moms-by-choice-how-do-you-handle-the-pressure-questions/page/2#post-592532 Tue, 10 Apr 2012 16:36:12 +0000 Meredith1953 592532@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Rae,<br /> I have never had the desire to have children. I have known this since I was in college.<br /> I married my first husband when I was 24 and he and I both knew we had no intention of having children. We divorced 17 years later (not because of this ) and I am now remarried to my DH (for 10 years and lived with him for 7 before that). I have step-children and step-grandchildren through him but as dearly as I love them, I still have no regrets over my decision to not have children. I have been lucky enough to have had parents who never pressured me one way or the other. Interestingly, neither of my sisters has ever had children either. Don't let other people doubt your decisions. It is your life. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-for-non-moms-by-choice-how-do-you-handle-the-pressure-questions/page/2#post-592524 Tue, 10 Apr 2012 16:27:16 +0000 rae 592524@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>So many beautiful comments here - thank you so, so much to everyone who shared their personal stories. I can't reply to every comment at the moment, but I do appreciate everything!</p> <p>citygirldc, I'm so sorry to hear that things did not work out for you. As much as I think it's a tragedy when kids aren't wanted, it's equally unfortunate when a potentially great mom cannot be one. *hugs* to you and others who have mentioned miscarriages and similar.</p> <p>To those who mentioned they changed their minds later - I definitely know this is a possiblility. My sister-in-law is one that this happened to, and DH is kind of afraid that I will go baby crazy over night and trick him into being a father... we almost didn't marry because of this. Our kind lawyer pointed out, though, that that issue is there whether we are married or not. The bottom line is that we will have to make a decision to stay together or not if and when there is a change... </p> <p>Elly, I feel for your situation... it is hard enough to decide what your heart wants, even in ideal circumstances. It gets my hackles up that anyone would call you selfish for thinking of your own health when considering a baby! Shame on them - as if you are just a breeding pod and you can die happy as long as a baby comes out... -_- Sorry if that was too coarse, but wow... </p> <p>I think there are a lot of factors that make me prefer a childless life, above and beyond not seeing them when I picture an ideal lifestyle. Like some of you, I mothered my little sister a lot, since our parents were often too busy fighting with one another to feed us. Long story short, we were "wanted" but not enjoyed. I don't consider myself "like a mother to her," but that need to look out for a second person was big. I also didn't have much of a childhood. My mother lost a child before me, so she was very protective. I was not allowed to go outside and play with the other children on my street. I had zero relationship with any grandparents to spoil me. I was never in girl scouts, and I was painfully shy until I was much older - but by then academics and college were top priority, so I spent all my time on cheerleading and any club I could join to put on a college app. College was also mostly about grades, and after that it's been about earning a living. So in a way... now I want to mother *myself.* I'm spoiling myself, hanging out and having slumber parties with my best friend (hubs), treating myself to some pretty things, and trying to figure out how to squeeze fun out of life. Not to mention the fact that I am jealous and love all the attention for myself. I just can't see beyond that at all ATM.</p> <p>On the blunt and controversial side... yeah, I'm just not so impressed with humans, and the thought of creating one is a bit icky to me. Una, if I could carry and give birth to an *actual* lion cub, I would! lol. But a baby human? That I don't even find cute or amusing? I have so little patience for people in general, let alone a person that vomits and poops on me and will one day grow to hate me. I could stand all that if I got joy out of being with kids, but I don't feel it.</p> <p>Anyway. thanks again for the responses. I had no idea that there were so many in the same boat as I am... it means a lot to hear from everyone. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-for-non-moms-by-choice-how-do-you-handle-the-pressure-questions/page/2#post-592441 Tue, 10 Apr 2012 15:02:37 +0000 ButterflyLady 592441@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Rae, I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I do have children, but I decided I wanted them about 9 months before I gave birth to the first! I understand absolutely why people might not want to have children - it's hard work, life changing, and you need to really, really want them to get through it!</p> <p>I think the people who are asking are very, very rude. This is your and your husband's personal business, and they need to get their noses out of it I have no advice for you, because I cannot imagine being so rude myself. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-for-non-moms-by-choice-how-do-you-handle-the-pressure-questions/page/2#post-592428 Tue, 10 Apr 2012 14:51:52 +0000 Elly 592428@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Rae, I relate.</p> <p>I have not even reached the average age that most people marry in this country, nor am I married, nor do I currently have a serious prospect. </p> <p>That said, I'm already older than all of my family members were when they met their significant other or married them. Also, I moved back to my old community and out of the girls who were close to my age about half are married or have children, many have more than one child or marriage. Of all my cousins the only one that is my age or older that is not married at least once or had a child is my one male cousin that is still quite young and has had a lot of run ins with the law. I'm not judging them, but I think it has to do mostly with the lack of prospects for women that stay single in our community. Most ladies that have the money and support to go to college do that and never come back, while everyone that didn't feel they had that opportunity marry young rather than stay with their families and work as waitresses and secretaries. </p> <p>I get huge pressure to have babies and find someone to marry, and had greater baby pressure when I was engaged in the past. People act like I don't like kids, and I do. However, my view is skewed because my own mother was given two of the easiest children ever because she probably would have had a breakdown and killed us both in our sleep before committing suicide if she hadn't. </p> <p>I do like kids, but I have issues with my immune system, so I've asked my friends with kids not to bring their children around when they are sick. When their kids are well I tend to be a lot of fun to hang out with as I have no problem picking kids up to save them from the evil dog that wants to kiss them or play trains. </p> <p>I also feel like I have done a lot of mothering in my life. Unfortunately circumstances in my own childhood left no one to take care of my younger brother, and for a huge part of our lives I wasn't able to be the cool big sister that he looked up to, but I had to be his mother and his father and be the one that deals with all the un-fun parts of raising a child like trying to discipline him and keep him safe and make sure he had dinner and clean clothes. Unfortunately he is still working through some problems that probably relate to this, and in a lot of ways I feel like I failed him because although I think he had a pretty good childhood I was much better at keeping him alive than I was at instilling values and respect in him. I went straight from that environment to dating a man that probably wasn't much more mature than my brother, which was fine until he wanted to be more serious and I ended up having to mother him in order to keep him from spending our rent money. At one point we also ended up with his two youngest siblings, which I took care of. </p> <p>I'm really young to have to decide that I want children or not, but I find it very disrespectful to be badgered about it. I always thought that I didn't want to be a mother and was just coming around to the idea that I might want to have a child way into the future. Then I found out that I have this problem with my heart. Some of the ladies that have it have absolutely no issue having children, but currently there is no medical way to determine who is at greater risk of complications. Other ladies who have children with it end up bed bound or permanently disabled or with blood clots or strokes. That is kind of a hard decision to make, and while a lot of women get flack for raising children with a disability (that somehow they are unfit mothers) I seem to get more flack about how selfish I am worrying about what might happen to me with a pregnancy because their is little to no risk to the baby. Even if I have a complication-free pregnancy I have a greater risk of not being able to be the type of mother most people want to be because of other causes of worsening of my condition. I do worry about finding a man to marry or another long-term SO and only having him decide down the road that he really does want biological children. Other than a few gentleman who are very determined to be fathers most of the men I meet that are in their 20s tend to be very ambivalent, but I've have several friends flip a switch as they aged or got more secure. </p> <p>So, I'm on team sad face. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-for-non-moms-by-choice-how-do-you-handle-the-pressure-questions/page/2#post-592420 Tue, 10 Apr 2012 14:44:30 +0000 rute 592420@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>well I was non mom until my 30's, so I know what you mean!<br /> I just did not care and when people asked and even reached for my belly to feel if it was growing I changed subject. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-for-non-moms-by-choice-how-do-you-handle-the-pressure-questions/page/2#post-592402 Tue, 10 Apr 2012 14:31:55 +0000 ironkurtin 592402@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I looked up what Miss Manners said. It's the same response she reccomends when people try to ask about religion:</p> <p>"Oh, I don't discuss that."</p> <p>Apparently if you say that long enough people leave you alone. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-for-non-moms-by-choice-how-do-you-handle-the-pressure-questions/page/2#post-592368 Tue, 10 Apr 2012 13:59:04 +0000 morethanbeige 592368@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Wow, what a great read! Thanks, Rae. Sorry this is happening to you. </p> <p>I don't have kids and I think the simple reason is that *the baby bell never rang*. I didn't officially decide not to have them, but the urge didn't arrive. </p> <p>I have been fortunate in that I hardly felt any pressure from family and close friends to have children. We have varied life choices in our family and we accept differences, so that's fabulous. But, I have had lots of obtrusive comments from friends and people I don't even know (what the heck?*%!!) regarding when and why I don't have children. I just give the answer I want and don't feel obligated to give any details. The questions have more to do with THEM than me.</p> <p>With family and close friends, if the pressure gets too invading, I think I would pull someone aside and explain that this is a personal thing and the pressure is not appreciated and would they please...</p> <p>On a positive note, now that I'm older, people don't ask! They may ask if I HAVE kids, but they don't ask WHEN I am having kids. haha</p> <p>And I feel now that I have a rich life with relationships with people of many different ages. And I *nurture* in these relationships. And some of these people have kids, some don't and some ARE kids. And I am good with that. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-for-non-moms-by-choice-how-do-you-handle-the-pressure-questions/page/2#post-592334 Tue, 10 Apr 2012 13:23:37 +0000 Lisa 592334@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I deal with this issue all the time. It stinks. No matter what I say, most people ignore the words coming out of my mouth in favor of supporting their own ideas. If I say I don't want children not only do I often have to defend myself but then I hear "oh you'll change your mind" or "oh you are missing out." I've known for as long as I can remember that I don't want children. For people that do not press the issue, I just say, I'm too selfish for children, I want to focus on me. For people that really press the issue I say, for something as permanent as having children I have to really want it deep in my being and I never have. I don't think someone who doesn't desire children with every fiber of their being should have them and that person is me. And for those that say, "well who is going to take care of you in retirement" I remind them that this is why I save money, because a kid is not a guarantee that they will help you in old age anyway. You are not alone in your kid free attitude, I'm right here with you. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-for-non-moms-by-choice-how-do-you-handle-the-pressure-questions/page/2#post-592333 Tue, 10 Apr 2012 13:23:14 +0000 modgrl 592333@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Rae, I thought for a long time whether I should respond to this at all because I have kids. </p> <p>Like you, I also knew for sure that I didn't want kids. I didn't like them much, never babysat, and viewed myself as more of a selfish person rather than a nurturer. After all, I wanted freedom and to be able to travel. Having kids seemed like it would make my goals in life difficult to attain. I had to deflect many years of questions from family and perfect strangers. It got quite awkward at times, I felt that my relatives were prying about our sex life and our very personal choices. </p> <p>It was in my mid 30's when I visited my lady doctor, who had been my doctor my entire adult life, and she told me that if I wanted to have kids now was the time to think about it. This is what really opened up the serious conversation between my husband and I. It was at that point that we had a mature conversation about starting a family that was outside of family and societal expectations. It was about what we wanted for our family. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-for-non-moms-by-choice-how-do-you-handle-the-pressure-questions/page/2#post-592318 Tue, 10 Apr 2012 13:13:10 +0000 HelenInCanada 592318@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Wow. Your life, your choice! What is more potentially tragic than an unwanted child? There are too many abandoned and neglected children in the world for people to worry that anyone "MUST" have children. It really is a lifetime commitment and complete lifestyle change, and kudos to you for deciding it's not for you. You're a caregiver to your cats, and that too is a responsibility.</p> <p>I was raised in a strict Catholic environment, and believe me when I say the pressure was on after I got married - though no need for it. I wanted a child (and now I have 2 wonderful and challenging girls, but I'm happy to stop there!), so the inquiries didn't annoy or upset me at all. But I respect others' personal decisions - especially those of intelligent people who think things through. To be honest, the whole nonsense of forbidding birth control that comes with this religion is maddening, and to me actually unethical. 10 children to a woman who can barely care for them? Makes my blood boil. But once you have children, better take your responsibility seriously and care for them properly, and seek good support. Resenting children leads to ALOT of future therapy and crisis for the innocent kid(s) who never asked to enter the world anyway. Love, love, love. /...Okay, back on topic! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-for-non-moms-by-choice-how-do-you-handle-the-pressure-questions/page/2#post-592307 Tue, 10 Apr 2012 13:07:06 +0000 teri 592307@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I'm right there with you.....</p> <p>I turn 40 in September and Hubby is 45. We have no kids BY CHOICE!!!!!!!<br /> I have never had any feelings that I wanted kids. Hubby's sister has 2 boys and another due any day now. His brother has 2 girls, so we get no pressure from his family... they are full!!! lol</p> <p>My parents have never pushed me to have kids and my older brother also has no biological children. he just got married for the first time at age 41 and his wife has 3 girls.</p> <p>It took me 5 years to convince my Dr that I wanted my tubes tied. Since I had no children they were refusing to do it.</p> <p>All I can say is if youplaced a newborn and a puppy in front of me, I will choose the puppy everytime. I just don't have motherly feeling when I see babies. I can barely stand being around the neices and nephews for more than a few hours.</p> <p>Hubby nad I have a wonderful, loving, fullfilling life without kids. We've heard it all from others.... you'll change your mind, you're being selfish, you'll have an empty life, blah, blah, blah</p> <p>just hang in there :hugs: </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-for-non-moms-by-choice-how-do-you-handle-the-pressure-questions/page/2#post-592258 Tue, 10 Apr 2012 11:42:45 +0000 citygirldc 592258@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Yes, it's totally rude especially when the parental units keep bugging you about it. Friends and others, I just laugh it off. </p> <p>Here's a totally opposite story. I too did not want to have children because I bloomed so much later in life (finished college late, moved out late, met my husband late). But then when I met my husband 11 glorious years ago, I was resistant to having children at first because I still thought of myself as that youthful person still going out, partying, enjoying life. Children just couldn't be a part of it. I finally opened up to the idea of having children as I got older and once I did, I learned I couldn't conceive which was a big slap in my face.</p> <p>Sometime you really get what you want even you don't want it. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-for-non-moms-by-choice-how-do-you-handle-the-pressure-questions/page/2#post-592204 Tue, 10 Apr 2012 07:56:52 +0000 ManidipaM 592204@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Hang in there, Rae. This can be an unnecessarily rough ride, but all except the most thick-skinned and pig-headed at least get the point after a while and stop asking --- except when it comes up at a gathering and someone else starts, and they decide it is important to let the world know that they've been haranguing you too, and not been remiss in their duty there! LOL</p> <p>I had to giggle at IK's and Kyle's strategies. And I have to say I did use medical (family genetics) issues to fob off early inquiries too, even when I seethed inside that people couldn't just (a) stop making default assumptions that I'd want children of course, as soon as I was married and at once too; and (b) would not understand the choice not to have one or simply not wanting a child. </p> <p>I have to say family, and a few friends, were more the culprit than strangers, and my mother and mother-in-law have been the hardest to deal with. My mother suggested a surrogate at one point (she who knows of the genetic issues, being on her side of the tree, and whose own father was adopted and who knew I'd always said I'd adopt if I ever changed my mind and wanted kids) --- I was flabbergasted into speechlessness. My mother-in-law cannot deal with 'no kids' as a concept at all. I again confess to taking advantage of circumstances and saying, well, difficult unless we're in the same city (we're both travel journalists, fairly itinerant) --- though I don't think her understanding of the biological sciences really stretches so far as to follow the logic. Which means she keeps on, and of late, I've just taken to saying, yes, we're trying(!), with a meaningful glance at my SO --- which at least stymies her briefly.</p> <p>Other people get an airy 'No plans, no!' or distinctly (and undisguisedly) uncomfortable, 'Hmm. We've talked about it...[long pause; wander off...]' (No commitment either way *what* we talked of or decided!)</p> <p>With strangers, I find it is often easiest to deflect attention to their own lives: 'No, no kids, don't much care for them. You?' They'll usually ramble on about theirs happily, just as you might if I asked about cats. It's really kindest on both sides! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-for-non-moms-by-choice-how-do-you-handle-the-pressure-questions/page/2#post-592194 Tue, 10 Apr 2012 06:47:33 +0000 Deborah 592194@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Rae, I haven't read all the responses so I am probably being quite repeititve but here goes.</p> <p>I do have a child. But for almost 10 years DH and I didn't think we wanted children. From the moment we were married people asked us when we were having our first child. Some people even asked our close friends (rather than asking us). As time went on there were even some whispers about whether or not we COULD have children. So I do know how you must be feeling. </p> <p>My view is that is no one's business, unless you choose to share it with them. I think it is perfectly reasonable to kindly but directly tell people it is a personal issue and one you don't care to discuss. You can of course change the conversation topic quite rapidly and that can communicate to people they may have gone too far. I am sure you will find a way to respond that works for you. Sadly I do feel that some people will be 'needing' you to want to have children to help validate their choice to have kids. </p> <p>And Rae, after we have our DS, you guessed it, people started asking when we were going to give him a brother or sister!! The pressure continues. We are very clear that this is our family - the three of us - and we had no real desire for another child. So for many years I faced pressure from people who seemingly wanted to make me feel guilty for denying my son a sibling. Anyway I am a bit naughty now as nearly two years ago I had to undergo a hysterectomy and ofcourse now am not able to have more children (this was not an issue for me at all) but if someone is now being unreasonably nosey about my business with regards to DS being an only child, I do a sad face and quietly mention the hysterectomy... it works a treat! May I say tho, that this kind of questioning (before and after my son's birth) came mostly from people who are not close to us. So I really just tried to let it all go over my head. I figure they are the ones with the issues, not me. </p> <p>And I guess the long winded point I am trying make is that if its not having children, it will be something else. People have a funny way of honing in our differences and rather than embracing them, we seem to want everyone to be and do the same.</p> <p>Hang in there! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-for-non-moms-by-choice-how-do-you-handle-the-pressure-questions/page/2#post-592185 Tue, 10 Apr 2012 06:12:56 +0000 StephanieR 592185@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I'm 51 and knew from an early age that I didn't want children. It's incredibly rude and insensitive of people to keep on at you, but you know your own mind so just stick with it. I was married for 13 years and my then husband didn't want children, though he did remarry and become a step dad and loved it - so yes, people can change their views. The worst conversation was with my then in-laws as they loved children and were very disappointed that they wouldn't be getting any more from me. My family have always been great and never tried to persuade me - both my brothers had children so that helps I'm sure. I'be been in my current relationship 15 years and we had the children conversation when we moved in together and we were clear from the start that children were not on the agenda. At 40 I had fibroids and a hysterectomy and have never looked back. I may sound cold and heartless to lots of people but I have never felt maternal, I know I could raise children but don't wish to. Selfish? to lots of people yes. I can honestly say I have never regretted not having children and I just wish people would accept some women, in fact lots of women, have no desire to reproduce. I live in the UK and now it is much more common for women not to have children, when I married at 21 it was expected, now people seem much more accepting.<br /> Stick with it Rae, you shouldn't have to justify your life decisions to anyone and I'm sure as time goes by it will get better, people will eventually get the hint! </p>