https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot---need-good-advice-about-how-to-handle-this Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Thu, 23 Apr 2026 01:00:22 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot---need-good-advice-about-how-to-handle-this/page/2#post-598444 Wed, 18 Apr 2012 05:02:09 +0000 Scarlet 598444@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>You know sometimes I think about how the media portrays men in a negative and one-dimensional way and sends the message that one can't expect too much, but that's also such a load of nonsense. There are so many wonderful men in the world, and you are very smart, Elly, to be catching onto this and sticking up for your own worth despite your surroundings telling you otherwise. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot---need-good-advice-about-how-to-handle-this/page/2#post-598142 Tue, 17 Apr 2012 22:46:10 +0000 Elly 598142@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Thanks again ladies. I've really taken to heart the advice about deserving to be happy and I will stand up for myself. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot---need-good-advice-about-how-to-handle-this/page/2#post-597954 Tue, 17 Apr 2012 18:18:56 +0000 mrseccentric 597954@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Hi Elly! "I do have a bit of a hard time with this sort of thing as I am constantly being sent messages from family and friends that this is what I should expect from men. "</p> <p>This does make your situation harder to deal with, but not impossible. What it boils down to is: if you want something different from what you see your family and friends doing, then you're going to have to behave differently yourself. You'll have to ignore the voices in your head and in your surroundings, you'll have to stand up for yourself despite nasty comments, you'll have to get busy doing what is important to YOU. If this guy is worth it, he'll shape up and get with the program. If not, oh well.</p> <p>It's scary and risky, but if you go along with what you're history is - only you can decide if you want to go there or not. If you don't want to, you'll have to stand your ground.</p> <p>As others have pointed out - what's in this for YOU? steph </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot---need-good-advice-about-how-to-handle-this/page/2#post-597814 Tue, 17 Apr 2012 15:27:47 +0000 Janet 597814@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Biscuitsmom makes some really good points here -- relationships are put to the test the most during times of stress. How couples respond to each other during times of upheaval is something to which i would pay close attention.</p> <p>Years ago, my best friend was seriously dating a guy -- they'd been together for years, had discussed marriage, etc. She is a very strong, independent woman, and since I've known her (35 years now), I've only seen her cry enough times that I can count them on one hand. When her father passed away, her boyfriend seemed to be at a loss. He called me to ask whether he should come see her (she and I lived together at the time), and I couldn't help but think, "Duh! Of course! Get your ass up here!" That started me wondering. Sure enough, in the months to come, he became more elusive and distant. He had all kinds of excuses -- overworked and overstressed being the most common one. Here my friend was, hurting in a time of crisis, and her boyfriend was emotionally retreating. Eventually he broke up with her and married someone else a year later. </p> <p>So I pay attention to how boyfriends/girlfriends act when times get tough. Life is full of difficult times, and we all need a partner who can not only provide us with the kind of support we need, but also be able to receive support when we need it as well. This is only possible with honest communication, and being able to truly understand and respect what each other's needs are. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot---need-good-advice-about-how-to-handle-this/page/2#post-597787 Tue, 17 Apr 2012 14:55:29 +0000 biscuitsmom 597787@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Im really sad to hear (but not suprised) that you've never seen anyone in the type of relationship you *deserve* to have! I dated several guys, some ok, some I thought were good for me-until looking back on how it really was- some really selfish and self-centered..but thats how I thought things were, with everyone. I was 40 and certain I'd never get married (because I finally realized I was far better off alone than to be mistreated) when I met my husband and he proved to me there ARE really great guys out there, just hard to find. Really hard. Is he perfect? Hell no! But neither am I. We get in arguements occasionally, he drives me nuts at times, sometimes I get really disgusted-Im sure he does too, but he ALWAYS treats me with respect,goes out of his way to do little things for me and tells me he loves me (and shows me-not just words) every day and we've been together for almost 11 years. I know I can count on him when things get rough (since we were married 5 yrs ago we've been thru both mine and his mother's death, very difficult and drawn-out sale of her house where we lost a lot of money, bankruptcy, my being unable to work after losing my ability to stand/walk normally and wasnt sure if I'd ever be able to (I do ok now, with a cane or walker), 5 months with our income cut 50% before I got on SSD, is still down due to his reduced hours at work,,death of his best friend after optional surgery, my very needy sister's physical and mental health issues and needing to loan her money every month that we dont have extra , Biscuit's cancer, having non-paying 'houseguests' for 9 months, who ruined several things on our house and were gross in several ways, both of us having serious physical problems....) but I know he'll be there for me, as I will for him, and you should PLEASE never settle for anything less than a man who will give 110% for you... and if he doesnt come along, you wont have wasted your life being someone's servant and time filler... </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot---need-good-advice-about-how-to-handle-this/page/2#post-597726 Tue, 17 Apr 2012 13:10:24 +0000 Janet 597726@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Elly, I'm coming to this late, but I'm sorry you're going through this! You've gotten lots of excellent responses, and I find myself particularly nodding along with the last three comments from kiwichik, Andrea and Elisabeth. </p> <p>What you're describing sounds to me mostly like your boyfriend's immaturity. This, in a nutshell, is most of why I was single until my 30s. However, unlike you, I did not possess the ability to stand up for what I deserved by vocalizing it when I felt hurt or disrespected. Because of the way I grew up, I learned to avoid confrontation at all costs, and only learned to even recognize (much less express) my own feelings of anger and resentment until I was in my 40s! </p> <p>So a big bravo to you for recognizing that there is something wrong here and wanting more for yourself. I can say with full confidence that you do not have to expect that kind of behavior from all men -- only the inconsiderate, immature ones. Can he change and grow up? Sure! But do you want to wait around for that? You seem much too awesome to "settle." </p> <p>Big hugs to you! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot---need-good-advice-about-how-to-handle-this/page/2#post-597678 Tue, 17 Apr 2012 08:02:29 +0000 Kiwichik 597678@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I haven't read all the comments so the only things I have to add are that prior behaivour under stress is usually a fairly good indicator of future behaivour. He sounds like a fair weather friend and you would be better to wish him a fond farewell and focus on your health and finding someone who pampers and cares for you not the other way round. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot---need-good-advice-about-how-to-handle-this/page/2#post-597663 Tue, 17 Apr 2012 07:01:44 +0000 RandomThoughts (Andrea) 597663@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Hi Elly. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with your boya.</p> <p>I will start out by saying that, like you, many of these ladies describe relationships the likes of which I have never personally witnessed or experienced. My own husband, whom I adore, can be quite immature, self-centered and I do often feel that I am taken for granted. I also tell him this very openly! I don't feel that he has ever fallen all over himself to do things for me or make me happy. That's just not the way he is.</p> <p>OTOH, he is one of the few people with whom I have ever felt 100% comfortable being absolutely open. I can tell him anything. I love just hanging out with him and I miss him when we are apart. I can act badly and he forgives me (though I try not to, try to own my mistakes and try always to apologize when I am wrong). He is the best dog-daddy I know. He trusts me absolutely. And he actually has begun treating me _better_ than he used to in that he does thoughtful things and even surprises me with little gifts which he never did as a young man. He gets on my nerves sometimes but over all, my life is better for having him in it.</p> <p>If this gentleman, as Jenava so astutely put it, doesn't improve your life somehow, if you aren't getting something for all your trouble, let him go. Relationships, be they romantic or platonic, should ADD to your life, not detract. If, however, you feel your life is made greater by his presence, then I would give him the benefit of the doubt and discuss your concerns. Set your boundaries clearly (less driving!) and talk to him about them. If he's worth it, that is.</p> <p>FWIW, I look back on some of my past relationships and realize I got nothing from them except 'being in a relationship' which at the time I apparently felt was enough. Bleh. Good riddance! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot---need-good-advice-about-how-to-handle-this/page/2#post-597632 Tue, 17 Apr 2012 04:13:32 +0000 Aziraphale 597632@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Elly, you seem like a sweet and thoughtful young woman, and the fact that you haven't had a truly good spousal partnership modeled at home set off more alarm bells for me, so I'm going to chime in again. I hope you take this as a kindly meant suggestion, and not bossy interference. </p> <p>If a girl grows up watching her parents (and other family members) enjoy a loving, reciprocally respectful relationship, she has an easier time recognizing good boyfriend behaviour when she sees it. If not, she has to work a little harder to get there. A man who wants you to be "the one" for him will knock himself out trying to show you that he's the right guy, and will do everything in his power to keep you. I don't think I'm exaggerating. I've had a few boyfriends in my time, LOL. If this man seems insensitive to your feelings, he's probably not the one for you. If you find yourself rationalizing his behaviour, try to step back and imagine: what if the tables were turned? If you were to treat him the way he's treating you (which you probably wouldn't, because you seem more mature than that! But humour me), iiiiiis it likely that you're in love with him?</p> <p>When you're in a relationship with a guy, it should be very clear that he's dead keen on you. </p> <p>Best of luck. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot---need-good-advice-about-how-to-handle-this/page/2#post-597495 Tue, 17 Apr 2012 00:30:21 +0000 ironkurtin 597495@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>As Dan Savage would say, if he's not good, game, and giving - then DTMFA. Life is too short to waste it on someone who doesn't appreciate you. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot---need-good-advice-about-how-to-handle-this/page/2#post-597490 Tue, 17 Apr 2012 00:19:17 +0000 rae 597490@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Elly, I'm happy that you are going to speak up about this again - but I'd like to add: don't just speak up - put that foot down. If you *don't* come over unless you've had adequate notice, and if you, say, go home after you've waited a reasonable amount of time... I think it will be easy to see if he shapes up or checks out. </p> <p>What you said about having never seen a good relationship really, really hit home for me. I knew nothing but fighting growing up, and I sort of cobbled together a vague idea of what I wanted from teachers and television... the encouragement that I can give, if this relationship doesn't work out for you, is that it can come down to a numbers game of sorts - meeting people, filtering through the obvious nays, and testing out the possible yays. I did this online, which sped the process up considerably, but there are lots of resources for people nowadays. You're too awesome to settle for anything that is close/convenient but doesn't make you totally happy. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot---need-good-advice-about-how-to-handle-this/page/2#post-597485 Tue, 17 Apr 2012 00:03:35 +0000 Carole 597485@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I haven't read any other replies I will when I have more time, but just want to say that some people are takers and some people are givers and he sounds like a big "taker" . I think people can change and deserve a break but at the same time you have to protect yourself by realizing that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If you continue to feel this way you need to move on from him. A relationship should enhance your life not detract from it or cause you stress, it ill only get worse. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot---need-good-advice-about-how-to-handle-this/page/2#post-597442 Mon, 16 Apr 2012 22:56:35 +0000 Anonymous 597442@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>This young man sounds very young indeed. A lot like my 18 year old son, as a matter of fact. Not just young, but immature. He is taking while you are giving. He thinks it's no big deal because you're not nagging. The nights you've been over at his place for hours on end just hanging out tells me that that's the way he likes things, and the way they will be again when you've forgiven and forgotten and things get back to what he considers *normal*. RUN. No, really. I'm sure he's nice and quite charming in his own way but this would get old, fast for me. He needs to grow up some more, otherwise you're just going to end up being his mother in this relationship. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot---need-good-advice-about-how-to-handle-this/page/2#post-597433 Mon, 16 Apr 2012 22:42:47 +0000 HelenInCanada 597433@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Elly, as someone who's never met the man in question, I am just going by how you feel and what you've described. It's hard when you grow attached to someone, despite their imperfect behaviour. True, there are many idealists here (and I'm one of them) who believe that the right man - one that is right for you and ready for a committed relationship - should treat you with decent respectful concern and care. When you observe how he treats others, it should be similar, in fact - a good indicator of what type of character he is. It can drive someone insane to deal with a very difficult and selfish personality. The stats about this are cautionary, marital-wise. Many will advise you to hold a very high standard, especially in this dating stage, while you're getting acquainted and sorting out if there is love to hang onto or not. I agree. I'm willing to bet many of us have been through a toxic, stressful relationship/marriage or two and learned the hard way. Unfortunately, as you've mentioned when describing your family and other influential people in your life, many people's realities are not wonderful and they accept it. That is why perhaps you were initially willing to "settle" for some questionable behaviour so early on in your relationship - BUT now doubting whether or not you should continue investing your time and enery and feelings into this person is a great sign! You are not willing to be miserable! Only you know what you can and can't live with - but I think the most important qualities when you're seeking a serious relationship are love, mutual respect, and trust. Life will become very hard if you let someone into your life where these are missing. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot---need-good-advice-about-how-to-handle-this/page/2#post-597418 Mon, 16 Apr 2012 22:12:51 +0000 catgirl 597418@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Elly, you've alreadty gotten so much great advice here, and I know how thoughtful you are in your decisions - I'm confident you'll do what you need to do.</p> <p>I just want to add this one comment. People saying "This is what you should expect from men" not only forces you to lower your standards, but is demeaning to you and to worthwhile guys. Imagine a guy saying to another guy about a nagging girlfriend, "This is what you should expect from women." Any guy worth his salt will aspire to be a better person for you, just as you would for him. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot---need-good-advice-about-how-to-handle-this/page/2#post-597411 Mon, 16 Apr 2012 21:59:06 +0000 Jenava 597411@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Elly, I imagine it must be difficult without a good role-model. I think as an adult you just have to make sure you are benefiting from the relationship on some level, and that what you are giving is worth what you are getting. Don't be fooled by thinking that because you are playing the right role that somehow your happiness will naturally follow - or that there is something wrong with you for NOT being happy even though you are "doing all the right things". Good luck. It sounds like even if this doesn't work out you are certainly learning a lot about yourself in the process, and that can only have a good outcome, right? </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot---need-good-advice-about-how-to-handle-this/page/2#post-597398 Mon, 16 Apr 2012 21:45:57 +0000 Elly 597398@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Thanks ladies. I appreciate the advice, both from those that suggested letting the relationship go and from those that had ideas on communication. </p> <p>Honestly, my general stance is that I respect anyone I am in a relationship with and treat them like the mature adults that they want to be treated like. I try very hard to be considerate and understanding and I enjoy doing nice and unexpected things for them (baking, showing up with a small gift, offering to cook) and am willing to help out (help shopping for something, planning things, moving, doing small house chores when I'm over). I don't yell or like to have to constantly get after people about things. Instead, I make my expectations clear from early on and communicate that I am upset or feel hurt when they aren't met, especially since most of my expectations generally fall under the umbrella of common courtesy. I'm very open and let anyone know that I am willing to discuss anything (including things they may be concerned about involving me) so long as they come to me in a respectful manner. </p> <p>It is very possible that by trying to be understanding and generally having a laid-back personality has given him the impression that I will cater to him. I'm pretty sure he is quite aware that on some level what he did/is doing is disrespectful, but seems to have justified it through a combination of "having an important job/being busy", "not meaning to be hurtful", and feeling as though I will allow it or that he seems to be getting away with it. It is possible he is immature when it comes to relationships despite being older than I am and having a job and friendships where he absolutely has to be a mature professional and responsible/respectful. I will speak up again. </p> <p>I really do appreciate the good advice. I value your opinions. I do have a bit of a hard time with this sort of thing as I am constantly being sent messages from family and friends that this is what I should expect from men. All of the women in my family married young and don't have any experience dating as "adults" and seem to expect the immature behavior (having begun relationships with their spouses in their teens or very early 20s) at least into marriage if not beyond. I personally have never seen a man treat a woman with the type of respect or care that you all speak about in any of the relationships that I have been close to (friends, family friends, family members) nor have I personally been "courted" or treated with the type of courtesy you ladies talk about, not by any man I've dated, nor by my own father, brother or grandfathers. I've had a few caring older male mentors as a student, but unfortunately we have definitely had to keep professional distance from each other so as not to confuse others about intentions in today's world. It is wonderful to hear that there are fabulous men out there, but personally very difficult to internalize having met many good men but never one who is willing to make such an effort. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot---need-good-advice-about-how-to-handle-this#post-597094 Mon, 16 Apr 2012 15:17:27 +0000 greenglove 597094@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Having not read all the other comments., My advice is- let him go.</p> <p>You will never be unsure of a man who is truly available and interested. I have found out the hard way that if you need to analyze his bad behavior and feel doubtful of his feelings- he is not the one.<br /> Love is so easy to detect in the right person.<br /> Let him go so that the right man has the chance to be with beautiful you. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot---need-good-advice-about-how-to-handle-this#post-597093 Mon, 16 Apr 2012 15:16:25 +0000 biscuitsmom 597093@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Oh Elly,<br /> Im so sorry you are going thru this...it reminds me too much of a relationship I had right before I met my husband Tim. I went out with Dave for about 2.5 years... it was very similar to how your guy is acting- it would be great for awhile, then weeks of last minute calls, not calling for a week or two, then guilt trips if I didnt come running right over...lying about how I was the only one he was seeing-didnt want me to see anyone else, then he'd break up with me, call me back, treat me like crap, apologize, repeat....I was miserable most of the time and really regret the 2+ years I wasted feeling that bad. I would have a very frank talk with him if I were you, and if he started reverting back to mistreating you, warn him not more than twice and break it off if he continues his manipulative, immature behavior. You are FAR better off alone than with someone who treats you as a afterthought and doesnt make you a priority in his life. If he can act any way he wants and blames it on 'stress' what the hell will he be like when things really get rough? You need someone you can really count on, even if its just yourself.... </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot---need-good-advice-about-how-to-handle-this#post-597076 Mon, 16 Apr 2012 14:43:55 +0000 Meredith1953 597076@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>If you are not in love with him then let him go...too many warning signs. If you do love him and feel that the good outweighs the bad then it is harder to choose a course of action but be very clear about how his behavior needs to change. If he is unable or unwilling to treat you the way you want to be treated in a relationship then leave now, because it won't get any easier later. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot---need-good-advice-about-how-to-handle-this#post-597071 Mon, 16 Apr 2012 14:24:21 +0000 Aziraphale 597071@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>If he's not falling all over himself to treat you right, he's not the right man.</p> <p>Sorry to be blunt, but what you have here are big flashing neon warning signs. DTMFA. </p> <p>Take care and keep well. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot---need-good-advice-about-how-to-handle-this#post-597055 Mon, 16 Apr 2012 13:51:38 +0000 lynne 597055@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I can't add any more to the already sage advice others have given, but I'm sending hugs. Sorry this is happening to you. Ask yourself whether you are happier with him or without him. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot---need-good-advice-about-how-to-handle-this#post-596965 Mon, 16 Apr 2012 07:34:36 +0000 Louise 596965@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I put up with a fair amount of c**p in the early part of our relationship and I believe people treat us how we allow them to. For example on several occasions I would turn up ready to go out only to find him in the middle of a computer game I'd get "I'll just be 10 minutes" 1/2 hour later I'd still be waiting. I started insisting he pick me up when he was ready and he soon realised he wasn't seeing me much and soon changed his habits. It obviously wasn't that quick or painless but you get my drift he continued to finish his game because I allowed him to!! X </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot---need-good-advice-about-how-to-handle-this#post-596952 Mon, 16 Apr 2012 06:19:51 +0000 rae 596952@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>This is a tough one, Elly, and I'm sorry you're having this issue... *hugs*</p> <p>I've already taken my melatonin for the night, so I don't know if I'm all here, but I would think hard about whether this guy is making your life better or not. At first, reading your description, I thought that maybe he was purposefully not going out in order to test drive what it'd be like to live together, staying in and being more serious. </p> <p>But as I read on, I feel that "stressed at work" is a pretty lame excuse for guilting you into doing things for him - what, you cannot let your health "get in the way" but he can play a measly stress card to explain away behavior? Doesn't compute. </p> <p>If the good times outnumber and outweigh the bad, maybe you can fix this with better communication - maybe he needs to learn to ask for alone time when he is super stressed. But like... do you love him? If the feelings aren't super strong to begin with, maybe the good would not outweigh the bad. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot---need-good-advice-about-how-to-handle-this#post-596929 Mon, 16 Apr 2012 04:53:51 +0000 jayne 596929@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I think you already know the answer, or you wouldn't really ask us. You need a push? Yes, get rid of him. There are much much more considerate, tender, and dear men out there. it will not be easy, I see that. You don't seem to want to be the bad guy, but he already is acting the bad guy. I have a 'equal' relationship with my BF but the feeling is the other way around, we are like competing to see who can pay, spoil the other one. There is no resentment or feeling 'it is my turn'. He wants to spoil and take care of me, I want to do the same back. And it is the opposite of driving. I don't know what kind of man you want, but perhaps treating a decision about a man, like a decision on your style. Sit down, think about the men you have been with and figure out what you want. Does this one come close to your criteria, I would suspect not. But you need to make that decision, it will be hard, for yourself. I would hate to hear you end up long term with someone so draining, Our loves should fill us with energy and joy! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot---need-good-advice-about-how-to-handle-this#post-596913 Mon, 16 Apr 2012 04:27:31 +0000 Anonymous 596913@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Big hugs, Elly. Take care of yourself and your health. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot---need-good-advice-about-how-to-handle-this#post-596912 Mon, 16 Apr 2012 04:26:57 +0000 Scarlet 596912@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I don't have a lot of time for a more thoughtful response, but this story is really setting off warning bells for me. Maybe he is not a bad guy and just very immature, but I think there is something better out there for you. I am sorry, but that is my gut reaction </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot---need-good-advice-about-how-to-handle-this#post-596906 Mon, 16 Apr 2012 04:21:06 +0000 Jyoti 596906@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I think it's good you guys talked about this. I would ensure that you both have communicated EVERYTHING that you two felt and it wasn't just a 'surface' talk. That being said, I think you should give him a bit of room to sometimes be kind of a dick, as everyone does have stressful times in their lives, etc. (you mentioned this as well). Relationships have ups and downs, you guys will fight and treat each other badly sometimes. It happens.</p> <p>However-- it seems to me you're not totally comfortable in this relationship from the way you explained it. I don't want to be offensive in any way or anything, but I was a little uncomfortable reading about this part of your story: </p> <p>"but seems to want to go right back to us having our "equal, don't burden one another" relationship (ex. if he pays, I drive, ect-- despite being the only one that has driven in weeks and weeks I drove to our date last week and he recycled an old date idea that was mine originally)".</p> <p>In my personal opinion on relationships, I don't think you should expect that if you do something, the other should reciprocate equally in all cases. I feel like that expectation of getting what you give with these kinds of things can be problematic. (Of course, this depends on a billion factors, like how far into the relationship you guys are, and of course there are things you should expect to be reciprocated equally!) I would discuss this with him, but I would not make it 'I drove the last few weeks, now you need to drive!', I would make sure it's that you would appreciate him driving as it's been difficult for you to do so all the time. It's ok to ask things of others, but not to demand or expect them. (I don't know if I explained my thoughts on this well at all...)</p> <p>OVERALL:</p> <p>If you think this sort of thing is going to happen again in the future and you're not OK with it, then you probably should not continue the relationship.</p> <p>If you're really, really interested in pursuing this relationship and you really like the guy, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and give him another chance, but also be wary. I'd also make sure to communicate clearly to him if something he does is bothering you-- it's really important you bring it up and don't let it fester. One of the best pieces of advice I've heard about relationships is to bring it up once and then DROP IT. You've made your concerns heard, and you're not nagging or obsessing over something that isn't in your control. </p> <p>Good luck! You are awesome and deserve someone fabulous! &lt;3 </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot---need-good-advice-about-how-to-handle-this#post-596869 Mon, 16 Apr 2012 02:40:31 +0000 Isabel 596869@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Elly, I am sorry to hear about this. </p> <p>Without reading other responses, I am going to throw in my two cents worth. You are absolutely correct to not let this go. You are a smart young woman, I am very impressed. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, so you are absolutely correct in wanting an apology and a change in behavior. This will not go away, especially since it worked for him once with you already. It doesn't mean that he is a bad guy...it does mean that you need to set boundaries and he needs to know that.</p> <p>The last thing you or anyone wants, is a partner who expects a slave when he/she is stressed out. That is just not acceptable whether you have health issues or not. There are healthy ways to deal with it, like communication and finding ways to let go of it in order to be more present with one's partner. It sounds to me as if he was wallowing. It is ok to wallow, but not to expect someone to fully cater to you during those times...especially if they go on a long time.</p> <p>I would talk to him about it and ask how he plans to handle these types of things in the future.</p> <p>If you like him then it absolutely worth hanging in there and working it out. But make it clear to him that the two of you need a game plan that he will stick to next time he is stressed out. And do give him a little, offer to maybe give in twice. And then he needs to get over it. </p> <p>Good luck !!! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot---need-good-advice-about-how-to-handle-this#post-596846 Mon, 16 Apr 2012 01:37:33 +0000 Deborah 596846@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Elly I am with Mo I think. I think we really see who a person is in times of hardship and stress and it sounds like he may lack some consistency. I would be concerned that his behavour would change each time he becomes "stressed". You have two options, lay it out before him as you have for us, or end the relationship. It is of course hard to comment when we don't know him, but generally this doesn't sound good. </p>