https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-%e2%80%93-how-can-i-help-my-friend Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Sat, 25 Apr 2026 11:05:37 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-%e2%80%93-how-can-i-help-my-friend#post-481418 Mon, 05 Dec 2011 17:34:53 +0000 Sveta 481418@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Ornella, this is a very kind thing you are trying to do with your friend. It must be heartbreaking to see her suffer and wanted to help but not being able to. I don't have any experience with these things so I cannot give you any reliable advice beyond what you already received from Suz and Rae.<br /> I also think that open and honest conversation is the only thing you can do now. You cannot help somebody who does not want to be helped, who does not want to change. It looks like you have already tried everything under the blue sky to help her without much success. You can try one last time to have a open talk but if it does not work out maybe it is time to step away. You cannot change other people does not matter how you try - the only person who can help your friend is she herself. If it continues like this you will not help her but only get hurt yourself.<br /> I wish you good luck with your friend - keep us posted! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-%e2%80%93-how-can-i-help-my-friend#post-481413 Mon, 05 Dec 2011 17:27:48 +0000 Janet 481413@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Ornella, I understand, and I'm sorry that both you and she are struggling. In a way, I've been her. I have battled depression (and I have also been deeply affected by family and friends who have fought it as well), and I definitely went through a phase (until I reached about 30 years old) in which the men I chose were in some way emotionally unavailable to me. </p> <p>Counseling is a wonderful thing (I believe that almost everyone would benefit from it at some point in their life), and medications can be very helpful, but the bottom line is that your friend has to *want* change. Suz made some great points about approaching her and encouraging her to seek treatment, and i would encourage you to follow your heart. But as you probably know, you absolutely cannot have any expectation that she will follow your suggestions. </p> <p>Unfortunately, some people are more comfortable in a place of depression and despair than in the admittedly very vulnerable position of seeking help. The more compassionate you can be with your friend, regardless of whether she gets help or not, the more at peace you will be. </p> <p>You are a dear friend. I wish you both good luck. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-%e2%80%93-how-can-i-help-my-friend#post-481411 Mon, 05 Dec 2011 17:19:18 +0000 rae 481411@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Ornella, I feel for you, too. This is truly a tough spot to be in. As I don't know your friend, I don't want to form an opinion about her condition, but I have been very close friends with two people who have battled depression, one I've known since middle school, and the other from second year of high school. I'd like to share my own experiences with friends like this, in case it helps. </p> <p>My good male friend had plenty of trouble all his life dealing with bipolar disorder. Although he is very open with me about many of his problems, I know he keeps certain ones - the ones that definitely hold him back in life - locked deep inside. In all the years I've known him, he has only mentioned this twice. It took three suicide attempts for him to be able to get the help from the state that he sorely needed, but he has been (slowly) improving since then. I have the greatest hope for him, because he *wants* the help and embraces the process. He wants to get better in order to achieve his dreams. </p> <p>My other (regrettably former) friend has dealt with depressive episodes and self-destructive behavior as long as I've known her, but she is the one who refuses help. Although she freely talks about the small problems in her life, she too keeps the crux of her problems locked up inside. After her suicide attempt, she proudly told me about how she tricked her therapists into releasing her from the hospital, because she'd read up on what to say. In short, she does NOT want to change. I unfortunately broke off this friendship when she began to treat me poorly. As much as I miss her, I didn't want to keep contributing and rewarding her with attention and love for her unacceptable behavior. I feel that she has no reason to get better, because she gets the emotional payoffs she wants by being self-destructive.</p> <p>This is all to say that, YES, professionals can and do turn it around for individuals with depression - but only if the depressed person wants the help. For my part, I decided not to continue the relationship with the friend who does not want help - I don't hate her, but I want her to get to the point where she *does* want help. And of course I don't need the negativity in my life, either. </p> <p>For you, I would think about whether your friendship is feeding her disorder, or if it is helping it - and whether or not she is enriching *your* life or just bringing you down with her. Regardless of what you decide, my thoughts are with you and your friend. I hope that you can decide on a strategy that you feel good about. Big hugs to you. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-%e2%80%93-how-can-i-help-my-friend#post-481396 Mon, 05 Dec 2011 16:37:07 +0000 bj1111 481396@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>ornella...i have nothing to offer beyond words of support for you and your friends. it is a difficult time...and the holidays bring out these feelings all the more. you are a great friend. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-%e2%80%93-how-can-i-help-my-friend#post-481386 Mon, 05 Dec 2011 16:11:23 +0000 Suz 481386@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Another thing I wanted to add...if you personally know anyone who has been depressed and has had success from treatment (medication, therapy, light therapy, alternative treatments, or any combination) then sharing that information can be helpful, too. Not in a "you should do this" way, but simply as evidence that treatment can make a world of difference. And if you have any mutual friends who have suffered from depression and could speak to her from their own experience, that could be powerful for her. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-%e2%80%93-how-can-i-help-my-friend#post-481382 Mon, 05 Dec 2011 16:06:26 +0000 Carole 481382@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Oh dear Ornella! You describe a situation similar to that I have been in with a family member. It is a desperate and scary position to be in when you know someone needs help but they don't want to be helped. It seems an honest and gentle conversation is in order about what you observe in her that would indicate signs of depression and the help that is available for someone with this crippling disease. Is there a family member of hers you could reach out to and share your concerns with? I would suggest a depression treatment hotline or resource center on strategies to help you handle this difficult position you are in. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-%e2%80%93-how-can-i-help-my-friend#post-481376 Mon, 05 Dec 2011 15:55:23 +0000 Suz 481376@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Oh, Ornella! My heart goes out to YOU, too, in the midst of this! It is so painful to see our friends suffer and so agonizing to feel that someone we love is missing out on all the joys that life can bring. </p> <p>It sounds to me as if you know your friend well and have good insight into what is going on for her. It sounds, too, as if you have already tried the conversations about getting help and she has brushed that away. </p> <p>I wonder if it would be possible to speak openly to her about your own feelings—to say more or less what you have said here. You might do this in person, or in a note. A note would allow you to express yourself fully and would give her some time to process what you have said. An in-person discussion might feel warmer. So it is tough to say which is best. </p> <p>Either way, you could tell her that you love her, and care for her, and—from her bitterness and recent complaints, etc.—have guessed that she is feeling very low—and that it worries you to see her this way. You could say that you would like to be there for her, but feel confused about what she needs. </p> <p>Sadly, I suspect you are right. Any open discussion like this might make her run in the opposite direction. </p> <p>And yet....at a certain point you must be true to your own feelings. If being with her has become so fraught for you that it is a constant struggle, that is not good. If, as a result of her own need to deny or ignore her deep feelings, you find that you have to hide YOUR real feelings and real self, then perhaps the friendship is no longer a friendship. </p> <p>Speaking openly with her about how she affects you might be "tough love" but it might also be the wake up call she needs. It is likely that her behaviour has driven many people away from her, and most will not be brave enough to tell her why. </p> <p>On the other hand, you may feel that your ongoing presence in her life and hers in yours, however unsatisfactory, is important, and in that case you may simply decide to leave things as they are, on the surface. Perhaps that IS what she needs. It is difficult for you, but if you think it is doing her some small good, then perhaps it is the right thing to do. And having made a clear decision, you might feel easier in your own mind about that. If and when she chooses to get help and regain her life, then your relationship may deepen and change for the better; until then, you will continue to check in with her. </p> <p>But if you think there is any risk she might take her own life, then I would speak up. </p> <p>I don't know if there is space for you to share your own vulnerabilities and struggles with her, or if you feel comfortable doing so. But if you do, it might help a little bit. Sometimes people who are depressed imagine that others lead perfect lives. Evidence that they do not can make them feel more connected. </p> <p>Finally, maybe you can tell her about YLF and how much fun it is. Sharing passions is another gift of friendship. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ot-%e2%80%93-how-can-i-help-my-friend#post-481326 Mon, 05 Dec 2011 15:13:07 +0000 Ornella 481326@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>*</p>