https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/on-gratitude Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Sat, 18 Apr 2026 13:25:50 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/on-gratitude#post-2293700 Thu, 01 Dec 2022 22:20:48 +0000 Stagiaire Fash 2293700@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Thanks Unfrumped. They are both so far away! I’ve just been chatting with the friend whose mom died. Her brother is pushing everyone to sort through the house asap. She is more sentimental. Wish I could be there to help </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/on-gratitude#post-2293615 Thu, 01 Dec 2022 14:49:36 +0000 unfrumped 2293615@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>What Judy said. Early stages not good time for changing outlook.<br /> Along with just “ being there” , you may be able to ask what can I do to help you today. If you know someone well or are visiting, then just caretaking tasks may be most helpful- cook food , get groceries, do the dishes. Not so much trying to re- direct their thoughts or emotions. If not physically there, simple notes or phone calls without advice are good.<br /> I worked for years with very seriously or dying patients including hospice care and one thing, like the comment on misery vs grief, is that being around strong emotions can be uncomfortable for another person present and so there’s a tendency to want to make that go away or tamp it down for one’s own comfort and also will feel you’ve helped the grieving person feel “ better” in that moment-which is a perfectly normal way to feel, BTW-- but what’s needed is to just be present and not alter the process. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/on-gratitude#post-2293150 Mon, 28 Nov 2022 20:43:53 +0000 Jenn 2293150@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>SF, I hesitated to post this because I don't want it to seem like self-promotion. I absolutely don't intend it that way, but it happens to be something 'I put out there recently that's apropos of the discussion. Just last week, I made this video about gratitude and trauma:</p> <p><a rel="nofollow" href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYx3mKVBzAw">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYx3mKVBzAw</a></p> <p>At some points in the healing process, gratitude is helpful, but at other points it's impossible, and all gratitude isn't created equal. From what you said in your initial post, I know you get it, but you can't force healing &nbsp;to happen in a particular timeframe. the gratitude will come when it comes. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/on-gratitude#post-2293109 Mon, 28 Nov 2022 17:40:40 +0000 RobinF 2293109@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Distance makes it harder for sure. My sister and brother have both passed away and lived quite a distance from me which makes it hard to keep in touch with their families. But the effort is important to me, especially since they left behind young children and I don't want them to think I have forgotten about their mom/dad. I guess I would say keep reaching out even if you feel like it isn't helping. You never know, and then they will know you are thinking about them.&nbsp;</p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/on-gratitude#post-2293085 Mon, 28 Nov 2022 14:12:07 +0000 Stagiaire Fash 2293085@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Robin, thanks for commenting. My sympathies for your loss, no matter how long ago. I like the idea of letting my friends lead, but as we are very far away, it is difficult make it clear that I am “here” (virtually) for them, and not ignoring them (by too much silence) while also not pressuring them (with too many “thinking of you”s and “how are you”s). So far they still “heart” the messages from me (&amp; one of them has corrected my missteps so I know he isn’t just placating me), so I guess I’m getting it partially right. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/on-gratitude#post-2293079 Mon, 28 Nov 2022 13:40:51 +0000 RobinF 2293079@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I doubt there is much you can do besides let them grieve, as others have said. Everyone does it in their own way and in their own time. My losses aren't that fresh but they are still there and holidays bring them back because that was when we were together. I like to talk about (and hear about) my loved ones who have passed away so maybe just listening is the best you can do. But I would take the lead of the person grieving - if they want to talk then let them, if they don't then let it go.</p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/on-gratitude#post-2293078 Mon, 28 Nov 2022 13:38:52 +0000 Stagiaire Fash 2293078@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Janet, I’m sorry for your loss and wish you the best this holiday season. In line with your comment on being pushed into a project, I am wondering what to do about having invited one of these people (who has a packed schedule &amp; is slightly depressed) to Christmas dinner and sent him a decoration. The relative who just passed meant a lot to him (he was pallbearer) and his mother has been in and out of the icu/hospital all year. Our very scripted Norman Rockwell Christmas might be just the thing or might be triggering. I blithely mailed off the decorations to him without thinking about the complicated emotions; a saving grace might be that it is a string of lights and I said something about warmth in this season of darkness. I’ve never met either relative, dk if I’ll ever meet mom, but made a misstep in a conversation last night that could have led to him reminiscing, if I’d stepped more gracefully. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/on-gratitude#post-2293064 Mon, 28 Nov 2022 12:12:19 +0000 Janet 2293064@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I’m sorry for your friends’ losses. It’s really hard. Wise words from everyone. Having lost my father a week before Christmas (31 years ago), and my mother two weeks before Thanksgiving (14 years ago), there is absolutely a weird compounding of grief when these losses occur at the holidays, when cheer and gratitude are the themes of the season. I have to admit, when I lost my dad at Christmastime as a young adult who was already coping with depression (plus a full-time job and graduate school), the only messages I really wanted to hear were “I’m sorry for your loss” and “take the time you need.”<br /> I still have not forgotten the single individual who was pushing me to jump into a grad seminar project I had signed onto and needed to back off of because of my emotional state. I was also trying to be there for my mom, especially since my sister was not able to be — I stepped into a role as the adult of the family even though I’m the baby, chronologically speaking. </p> <p>All that is to say, support at this early stage of grief is best given in the form of a sympathetic ear and expressions of love and good memories of the departed. I mentioned the person who clearly did not understand what I was going through before, but another exchange I’ll never forget is my dad’s cousin (who I had not seen since I was a small child) telling me how dad bragged about me and how proud he was. Helping the grieving people to remember helps them eventually move to a place of more gratitude, in their own time. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/on-gratitude#post-2292914 Sat, 26 Nov 2022 15:06:43 +0000 Stagiaire Fash 2292914@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Thanks BD. You have reminded me that I have indeed gone through the grief process, in a very different situation. For me, crying and getting back in touch with those feelings was not bad, but I expect one of these people will really want to avoid it. As you say, trying to push them to change is not my job here. As for supporting my friends, I’d be surprised if these two didn’t do the same for me. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/on-gratitude#post-2292898 Sat, 26 Nov 2022 05:22:39 +0000 Barbara Diane 2292898@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I find grief is so individual and can be very intense and last a long time. If one is lucky it is like waves-and over time the swells are further and further apart but can easily be triggered. I started crying when I passed by a display of Mother’s Day cards because I wouldn’t be sending one to my grandmother anymore. But I hadn’t cried at her funeral 8 months prior.</p> <p>Being with someone, perhaps asking if they want to tell you about the deceased (and being okay with the answer), etc are supportive. And checking in long after is often appreciated. Letting people be where they are and not trying to change them is important. There is not a right way to do it.<br /> You are kind to care about your friends so much. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/on-gratitude#post-2292845 Fri, 25 Nov 2022 19:20:03 +0000 Stagiaire Fash 2292845@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Judy, distinguishing between misery and the grief process is truly wisdom. Thanks you sincerely. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/on-gratitude#post-2292842 Fri, 25 Nov 2022 18:47:17 +0000 judy 2292842@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I had a very tragic sudden loss once, and what might have looked like misery to others was simply the grief process working it's way through me. I needed others to let me have my heartbreak, because it helped me to heal.&nbsp; Giving others space for this is a great gift.&nbsp;&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/on-gratitude#post-2292822 Fri, 25 Nov 2022 16:50:11 +0000 Stagiaire Fash 2292822@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Kkards, thank you for telling me that from your experience. It is miserable to watch them be so miserable, but if simply saying I care and not trying to change things is what’s most likely to help, it’s what I’ll keep doing. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/on-gratitude#post-2292802 Fri, 25 Nov 2022 14:02:51 +0000 kkards 2292802@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I lost my dad after 2 years of illness, so it wasn’t unexpected but it was still a shock, if that makes sense…<br />I’ll be honest, in those first weeks, i would not have welcomed someone sending me anything other than a card, email, text or food (we don’t send flowers in my tradition)…mostly what i wanted was for people &nbsp;to just say I’m sorry this has happened.&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/on-gratitude#post-2292791 Fri, 25 Nov 2022 12:38:55 +0000 Stagiaire Fash 2292791@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Carol, yes the deaths are within the past week. Neither one unexpected, as they were born 1927 and 1935 and were in hospice, but my friends are both deeply grief struck. I had met one of them a couple times, but very much in passing. Thanks for the Ted Talk. It seems very appropriate for the friend whose mother passed.&nbsp;</p> <p>Nikki, what a great visual. Thanks for posting it!</p> <p>Cardiff, I always want to do more! One thing I've been learning this year with one of these people is to hold space for emotions, ie sit on my hands. When my son got here earlier this week, I commented to my friend that the family connection felt super good, and I hoped gathering with extended family for the funeral would be healing. I was corrected, so am back to sitting on hands again.&nbsp;</p> <p>Rachylou, I hear you on gratitude. Any opportune moment to make a connection to Thanksgiving is over, so I'm going to let that drop. Laughing at how ridiculously awful everything is sounds very much like my son and me. I think it's healthy. One of these friends would laugh, but I'd wonder if it was because of social convention. The other would feel attacked. But I think it's a great idea, couldn't get by without it.&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/on-gratitude#post-2292753 Fri, 25 Nov 2022 01:28:20 +0000 CarolS 2292753@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>You say they are grieving this week, so it sounds like the losses are recent. If that's so, they are still in very early stages of living with their grief. I think giving them the kind of space you gave your son seems very appropriate.</p> <p>There's a lovely TED talk on grief. It's not about gratitude, exactly, but it is incredibly powerful.&nbsp;<br /><a rel="nofollow" href="https://www.ted.com/talks/nora_mcinerny_we_don_t_move_on_from_grief_we_move_forward_with_it?language=en">https://www.ted.com/talks/nora.....anguage=en</a></p> <p>If you knew and were influenced by the departed loved one, maybe you could share your own gratitude for them -- share a memory of how they inspired you, some little thing you will carry with you, etc. -- gently opening a door, but not pushing anyone into anything....</p> <p> </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/on-gratitude#post-2292733 Thu, 24 Nov 2022 20:42:49 +0000 Anonymous 2292733@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I keep this on my phone as it always helps me with grieving. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/on-gratitude#post-2292725 Thu, 24 Nov 2022 20:13:41 +0000 rachylou 2292725@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I agree with Cardiff Girl that at certain moments validation is needed to move on to should’s. That said, dwelling is bad but also, I really find the concept of ‘gratitude’ difficult. Gratefulness implies something to me, like a non-transactional gift given when it’s needed out of the blue. I find it easier to understand gratitude as ‘something that gave me a little moment of joy.’</p> <p>And finally, thinking of things in the abstract, observationally is also problematic… one has to find a way straight in to the thought of the moment of joy, if you know what I mean.</p> <p>There was a movie… Jessica Lange, three sisters. The moment is so bad, their father has died etc etc and they all start to laugh because things are so bad they’re ridiculous. Sometimes that’s the only way into joy. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/on-gratitude#post-2292721 Thu, 24 Nov 2022 19:56:36 +0000 Cardiff girl 2292721@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I think that when grief is very raw what people want is some one to sit with them in their pain .Everyone experiences grief in different ways and at their own pace.l know that you are trying to help and that it to your credit but tread softly as lknow you will.. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/on-gratitude#post-2292709 Thu, 24 Nov 2022 18:28:10 +0000 Stagiaire Fash 2292709@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Today, US Americans think about giving thanks with varying degrees of sincerity and cynicism. Over the past few years, gratefulness, including the idea of gratefulness journals, have burgeoned as mental health/pop psych topics. </p> <p>Two people I care about are grieving the loss of loved ones this week. I won’t go into detail on who they are, but they both seem to feel put upon in life in general, and to have lo have lost their insistence on joy that I knew in them earlier. Being told you should be grateful (or that you should feel anything, really) is awful. I don’t want to do that to them. But I do think that being grateful for the person they’ve now lost, as well as for specific events in their past year, could be healing. </p> <p>I need to think this through more deeply, and carefully. My son is here, and has been talking about how my discipline, by being non-didactic, not telling him what he should feel, not focusing on my emotions, was effective at teaching him to think through situations and develop his own thoughts and feelings, the one’s parents often try to force on their kids. .That’s what I’d like to do for these two people—not tell them what to feel, but give them the idea that they want to open up to gratitude and let it help them heal. </p> <p>From all the copious writings, podcasts and videos, do you have favorites that might help me help my friends? </p>