https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/omg-omg---update-waking-up Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Fri, 17 Apr 2026 01:50:39 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/omg-omg---update-waking-up/page/2#post-996492 Thu, 01 Aug 2013 18:29:44 +0000 rae 996492@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Oh, I had thought this was the original thread when I kept seeing it! So sorry to hear about the struggles that are testing you and your new relationship. You are so smart; I just know that things will fall into place. Please remember that money is not everything - in following your heart you may end up with a pay cut here and there but you will be fulfilled and rich emotionally. Big hugs to you during the ever-tough limbo period.&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/omg-omg---update-waking-up/page/2#post-996021 Thu, 01 Aug 2013 05:26:59 +0000 deb 996021@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>All I can add to the wise advise of the YLF sisterhood is take care of yourself.&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/omg-omg---update-waking-up/page/2#post-995597 Wed, 31 Jul 2013 20:26:50 +0000 biscuitsmom 995597@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I'm glad you are taking it day by day, and hope in the end, that he is worthy of you </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/omg-omg---update-waking-up/page/2#post-995530 Wed, 31 Jul 2013 19:32:49 +0000 Susie 995530@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I am sorry to hear about the recent turn of events with the new man. I have to echo those who say to see an attorney as soon as possible. You definitely need one who specializes in family law. To help make the process more efficient, and less costly, it will help to be prepared when you meet with them. Have data for them- earnings for you both, assets, debts etc as well as an idea of what you want.&nbsp;</p> <p>Please keep us updated. I wish you strength as you deal with these challenges.&nbsp;</p> <p>&lt;hugs&gt; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/omg-omg---update-waking-up#post-995238 Wed, 31 Jul 2013 14:35:47 +0000 Eliza 995238@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Hang in there, Krish. &nbsp;Your answers will come as you pursue the different angles as you plan. &nbsp;It strikes me that this is a time to focus on literally getting one's house in order, to make as firm a foundation for yourself going forward as possible. &nbsp;Then, regardless of anyone else, you are grounded and pro-active as you navigate the dissolution of your marriage. &nbsp;There is time for the new relationship to be assessed. &nbsp; Sometimes there is no way around it, just through. &nbsp;Best to you.&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/omg-omg---update-waking-up#post-994910 Wed, 31 Jul 2013 03:40:53 +0000 velvetychocolate 994910@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Donna's right. The lawyer I had was an expert in family law, and she was very good at keeping things on an even keel, with no drama (no fanning the flames) at all. </p> <p>Hang in there Krish - these are tough times, but if you can take care of the 'business' end of things, it will help a lot in terms of having the space and security to heal your heart. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/omg-omg---update-waking-up#post-994729 Wed, 31 Jul 2013 01:03:41 +0000 DonnaF 994729@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Another thing:&nbsp; I would get an attorney whose practice focuses on family/matrimonial law.&nbsp; Many, many moons ago, I practiced family law for a non-profit.&nbsp; The attorneys I hated most were litigators in general practice.&nbsp; For one, they weren't necessarily well-informed on family law, and for another, they had a tendency to fan the flames for the heck of it -- because they were litigators and not counselors.&nbsp; Those who do a lot of family law are also more apt to know the financial ins and outs of what the law requires and allows and what is likely to happen in your jurisdiction.&nbsp; You need to be financially protected.&nbsp; Don't know about Canada/your province, but here in California one can ask the spouse to pay one's attorney fees.&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/omg-omg---update-waking-up#post-993761 Tue, 30 Jul 2013 05:27:03 +0000 Debra 993761@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Hugs from me too, follow all of this excellent advice and take care x </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/omg-omg---update-waking-up#post-993569 Tue, 30 Jul 2013 01:41:30 +0000 Janet 993569@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Late to this, and I think you've already received excellent advice, but I just wanted to give you a virtual hug and let you know I'm thinking of you! It will all be alright. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/omg-omg---update-waking-up#post-993510 Tue, 30 Jul 2013 00:00:32 +0000 Suz 993510@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I came back to read again and once again I am awed by the wisdom of the YLF sisterhood. Absolutely right to get some legal advice and possibly some financial advice as well. I am hoping that this will help to ensure you have some security and financial stability in this rocky period. Big, big hugs!!&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/omg-omg---update-waking-up#post-993085 Mon, 29 Jul 2013 18:02:18 +0000 Isabel 993085@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I really don't have much to offer except my support and love. I really hope that this turns out to be an opening door for you.</p> <p>With that said, I cannot agree with MaryK more. Please get a lawyer and put yourself first. Before any man right now.</p> <p>Please keep us posted.&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/omg-omg---update-waking-up#post-993049 Mon, 29 Jul 2013 17:22:10 +0000 rachylou 993049@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I'm so sorry, Krish. Sounds a crazy, rough time for you. I also think you've gotten good advice here. On the emotional front, I'd say this is a good time to wait for all impulses to age and pass before you act on them. Nothing has to be done "right this second" and probably there's little that will be better for being done "right this second." And there's a lot to push buttons at the moment.</p> <p>Lots of love girl! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/omg-omg---update-waking-up#post-993035 Mon, 29 Jul 2013 17:08:24 +0000 Glory 993035@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Oh Krish I am so sorry to hear about this turn of events. You have some wonderful advice here and so I will only say I am with you on this journey. I completely agree with taking it one step at a time and sorting out all of these practical matters before tackling the heart one.<br />The legal and financial advice seems paramount here because it will be quite impossible to steer forward without that information and guidance.&nbsp;</p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/omg-omg---update-waking-up#post-992962 Mon, 29 Jul 2013 16:03:01 +0000 MNsara 992962@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>You're getting some excellent advice, Krish!&nbsp; I'm always amazed at the wisdom of YLFers!&nbsp; <br />Your bubble has been burst in a big way, but you've shown such strength and resilience in the past, I have to believe you'll find what you need in yourself to get your thoughts and feelings in order, make plans, and move forward with them.</p> <p>I'd second the recommendation (Gaylene?)&nbsp;to also get outside professional support in planning your future course.&nbsp; After you've gotten your finances/legalities stabilized.&nbsp; </p> <p>More {{hugs}}&nbsp;as you regroup! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/omg-omg---update-waking-up#post-992828 Mon, 29 Jul 2013 13:08:42 +0000 Anonymous 992828@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>As a Canadian and a banker ( full disclosure both me and my hubs work for the big blue one lol) you may get better advice at your local branch instead of an independent CFP. I only say that because I know our financial planners are paid a salary and some are paid a commission which may influence how they invest your funds (some get paid by the fund they deposit in)</p> <p>As for the rest of your story, I am sorry it is not what you expected but it sounds like you are working it out. I wish you the best </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/omg-omg---update-waking-up#post-992813 Mon, 29 Jul 2013 12:46:03 +0000 missvee 992813@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I'm so glad you'll be getting in touch with your lawyer. This is an absolute priority to find out not only what your rights are, but also any obligations you may have ( spousal debt, etc ). Realistically you need to get your current situation withDXH sorted before you can move on - physically, emotionally, and financially. Closure, as they say.<br /> The situation with the new man is quite unsettling to say the least and I think you are right to be very cautious here. It sounds like he wanted to offer you some kind of fairy tale come true. No doubt his feelings are real, but lying about his job was a very odd thing to do. It really does raise a red flag.<br /> Now that you are taking things with him more slowly I hope that the path will be smoother. Take care. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/omg-omg---update-waking-up#post-992790 Mon, 29 Jul 2013 11:17:08 +0000 Krista 992790@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Hi Krish, I PM'ed you with some info, but I will respond to the thread in case there is anyone who is reading and in a similar situation to yours.</p> <p>In Canada (I can't speak for the US or internationally), financial advisors are employed by banks and can also run their own independent business. If you are already established at a bank, it might be easier to work with the advisors at your branch because they will already have access to your banking information. However, in the case of a marital separation, it might be worth it to start fresh with someone new at an entirely different bank. In any case, an account supervisor at your bank (or any bank) should be able to refer you to someone and it should be free.</p> <p>As well, it is important that you are meeting with a financial planner who has their CFP designation. In Canada, the CFP field is strictly regulated and those with this designation are required to complete yearly exams and additional credits in order to stay up to date with the complex and constantly changing world of finance. At such a stressful time, it is important to be working with someone who is up to date with financial information.</p> <p>Finally, just like any professional you work with, it's important to feel confidence in your CFP or financial advisor - they are dealing with your money after all! If you are not feeling comfortable with who is looking after your money, it is your prerogative to take your money elsewhere and you should not hesitate about doing so. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/omg-omg---update-waking-up#post-992781 Mon, 29 Jul 2013 10:45:20 +0000 krishnidoux 992781@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>These are extremely good points!&nbsp;<br />Yes, I am contacting my lawyer, and I am grateful to you for&nbsp;reminding me, because I wasn't thinking about it. Now I am, and will.</p> <p>Gaylene, thank you for helping me put back my head on my shoulders in these times of emotional tempests (lol). It is true that I tend to get discouraged because my field has never allowed me full independence up to now in my life, despite advanced studies. I can't make all the decisions now, and must take it one step at a time. If I really can't fin anything despite my willingness to relocate, then I'll reassess my "career".&nbsp;</p> <p>IK, I love your "rifle in the corner" image! lol! That is exactly how they are for us in tough situations! Your message got through.&nbsp;</p> <p>Kim, Buy me out? Now that is a concept! I am running to my lawyer's office. I suspected it was quite unfair that, because we are separating, I should move out ASAP, just because I am the one with the least financial means...&nbsp;</p> <p>Velvety, yes, priority #1 will be met this week. Your message is reinforcing the point, which is quite helpful in crazy times like these. And what you describe is also reassuring. True, I am a bit scared that getting a lawyer between us will make DXH even more antagonist towards me, but you are completely right: after all, these lawyers are professional and it's not their first times.&nbsp;</p> <p>Sveta, thank you for your kind and supportive&nbsp;words!&nbsp;</p> <p>Krista, very good point and so true! One (positive) think this whole deal has brought is that I have reduced my spending to almost zero. But I guess it won't remain like this, realistically.&nbsp;&nbsp;Is the bank the only place where to find these wonderful people?&nbsp;&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/omg-omg---update-waking-up#post-992664 Mon, 29 Jul 2013 02:48:42 +0000 Krista 992664@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Krish,<br /> Just in case you are checking this thread without logging in, I PM'ed you.<br /> Sending you hugs! xo</p> <p>ETA: I will also add that in addition to finding a good lawyer, it would also be to your (or anyone in a similar situation) advantage to find a good financial advisor. A sound financial advisor/ planner will help you assess your current financial situation and assist in making smart choices for the future - near and far. Many people assume that you have to have a lot of money saved to speak to this type of professional, but it's their job to meet you where you are and help you make plans. Your financial situation is now different and having an objective person provide financial guidance at a highly emotional time would be helpful. My husband is a CFP (Certified Financial Planner) and I know he advises clients in situations similar to yours, Krish. Maybe inquire about this at your own bank? </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/omg-omg---update-waking-up#post-992635 Mon, 29 Jul 2013 02:08:59 +0000 Sveta 992635@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>You already got a lot of good advice Krish. I am sending a lot of hugs!! Life is never a fairy tale and comes together with ups and downs. Be strong and don't sell yourself low.&nbsp;<br />&lt;&lt;&lt;&lt;HUGS&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/omg-omg---update-waking-up#post-992628 Mon, 29 Jul 2013 01:58:08 +0000 velvetychocolate 992628@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Oh my goodness Krish - what a complicated situation. I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you, and hoping for the very best outcome. </p> <p>Meanwhile, <i>I also want to strongly encourage you to get yourself a lawyer.</i> It's kind of tough to figure out what to do and how you should do it, without knowing what your rights are. Does that make sense? </p> <p>To me (and I'm no lawyer), it doesn't make sense that you spent a lot of years moving around, doing the right thing for your marriage and then end up in a bit of a bind because things are dissolving. </p> <p>No matter what - will you at least look for a good lawyer and see what they have to say about the situation? To me, this is priority #1. </p> <p>From my own experience - I resisted going to a lawyer when I broke up with a live-in boyfriend. I'd bought a condo, and my BF was living with me, and refused to move out when I wanted to end the relationship. Even though I felt totally guilty about ending the relationship and even guiltier about finally going to see a lawyer - she was really nice and knew exactly what to do, without a ton of drama. </p> <p>I couldn't have gotten myself out of this situation without her. She was very, very good - and it wasn't like this (the lawyer thing I mean) somehow escalated things or made it all dramatic. No, she solved things for me! Things were calm, cool and collected - and in the end, things got resolved in a fair manner. Much better than if I'd tried to fumble my way through this myself.&nbsp; There was no court or anything of the kind. She just knew what to negotiate for (on my behalf) and how to do it. </p> <p>Get a lawyer! This doesn't mean you're going all "tough guy" - no, not at all. Things will still be done calmly and nicely - just that you'll have <i>very good</i> guidance and advice about the whole thing. </p> <p>I got a lot more money than I expected, and the the legal fees were next to nothing compared to what she got for me. I still came out way ahead, having done 'the right thing' in sticking up for myself. </p> <p>Hang in there....don't move out just yet. Get a lawyer! </p> <p>PS - editing to add: my getting a lawyer didn't make things worse or amp things up. On the contrary - she knew what to ask for, and she was able to do it in a way that was kind and compassionate. It all worked out - and there were no hard feelings. Just that I didn't personally know what to do. My lawyer fixed all that for me, took care of everything, and in the end, ex BF was ok with how things got settled. </p> </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/omg-omg---update-waking-up#post-992606 Mon, 29 Jul 2013 01:33:23 +0000 Kim 992606@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>In Ontario you are entitled to half the marital home no matter what you "paid" into it. &nbsp;If he wants you out he'll need to buy you out. &nbsp;That could help you start a new life. &nbsp;</p> <p>It could take a while to get this settled though, so you need to build your own life in the meantime. See a lawyer and find out about the impact of moving out, etc. &nbsp;(I don't think it matters at this point, but I'm not a lawyer.) &nbsp;</p> <p>The news might be better than you think. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/omg-omg---update-waking-up#post-992568 Mon, 29 Jul 2013 00:07:59 +0000 ironkurtin 992568@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Get a lawyer immediately, the very best one you can find.&nbsp; And tell them what you want, and have them get it for you.&nbsp; Don't do ANYTHING -- move, agree to separate bank accounts, sign anything (the financial discussions are verbal, correct?) -- until you have that lawyer!</p> <p>Of course, I am an American, not a Canadian, so naturally I think law... But you are not in a place to think coldly about this, you have guilt and shame and sadness and hope and all sorts of other things going on, and you need someone with a rifle in your corner so you can process your heart.&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/omg-omg---update-waking-up#post-992469 Sun, 28 Jul 2013 20:19:43 +0000 Gaylene 992469@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>No, I don't think you ought to move out asap. I'm echoing MaryK and Donna in thinking that you ought to talk to a lawyer before taking any such action because it could have an impact on legal issues--including financial settlements.</p> <p>You're going through a rough time, Kris, and that makes it hard to think straight, so I'm also going suggest that it might help to work with a professional to help you sort through your options and set some goals for your future. Your language skills and willingness to re-locate are probably more valuable than you realize when it comes to potential job opportunities; finding a position that pays well, and that you enjoy, can be a huge confidence boost as well as setting you on the road to financial independence. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/omg-omg---update-waking-up#post-992380 Sun, 28 Jul 2013 17:07:42 +0000 krishnidoux 992380@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Thank you! This is very good advice. You are so right, I have to make sure I don't get lost in all this and not conform to someone else's plans. This is why I want to be independent. With new guy, we have agreed to have a long distance relationship with weekends together. We'll see how that evolves.&nbsp;</p> <p>But I agree, MaryK and Donna, I should see an attorney. Even if DXH is being fair with separation, it should all be legalized. And I might have surprises. I mean, it's not fair that a spouse who has given up the prospect of a career to follow their other half around the world in postings should find herself with nothing... although, it might very well be.&nbsp;</p> <p>I just hate this "not knowing" situation, plus living day to day with DXH, and being subject to his mood swings. When he is in a bad mood he howls at me for no reason, bringing it back incessantly to the fact that I can't afford 50% of the costs of living here. When he is in a good mood he smiles and tells me everything is fine.</p> <p>Do you think I should move out asap? </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/omg-omg---update-waking-up#post-992376 Sun, 28 Jul 2013 16:58:07 +0000 Angie 992376@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I'm sorry, Krish. It's always wise to be financially independent, although in some cases that is easier said than done. </p> <p>I also understand that you want to be happy with your man - the love of your life. You need to grow together again, get to know each other properly at this age. Find solutions together. With a bit of time, I bet you will resolve this matter together. Lots of hugs and luck. xoxo </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/omg-omg---update-waking-up#post-992369 Sun, 28 Jul 2013 16:45:42 +0000 DonnaF 992369@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>This must be so disappointing and stressful for you, esp. with the mind games that X is playing probably since he knows how much this upsets you.&nbsp; :(&nbsp; Have you sought the advice of a divorce attorney?&nbsp; I have no clue about Canadian law and my knowledge of California law is about 25 years old, but here longtime spouses would receive some type of spousal support and half the marital assets as long as they can be located and not hidden.&nbsp; Women sometimes want to get out of the marriage so much that they give up a lot to which they have a right -- much to their economic detriment down the line.&nbsp; Please don't be that woman.&nbsp; {{{{{Hugs}}}}}&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/omg-omg---update-waking-up#post-992364 Sun, 28 Jul 2013 16:40:29 +0000 MsMary 992364@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Hugs, Krishni!&nbsp; I'm also in the midst of a midlife divorce, and my best advice is to do what is best for YOU, rather than counting on New Guy to make it happen or feeling you have to support New Guy in making HIS plans and dreams happen.</p> <p>Also, if you haven't already, I think it's time to lawyer up and see what your legal rights are re: the house and so on.&nbsp; Who knows?&nbsp; Maybe you're entitled to temporary spousal support until you can get on your feet! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/omg-omg---update-waking-up#post-992353 Sun, 28 Jul 2013 16:16:25 +0000 Anonymous 992353@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Oh, I'm sorry you're going through a tough time! &nbsp;Big hugs. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/omg-omg---update-waking-up#post-992346 Sun, 28 Jul 2013 16:05:05 +0000 Anonymous 992346@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Oh, what a shock! And I am so sorry in the midst of this you now don't feel welcome in your home. </p>