https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/not-sure-how-to-phrase-this---discussing-disability-with-a-child Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Sat, 02 May 2026 10:05:50 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/not-sure-how-to-phrase-this---discussing-disability-with-a-child/page/2#post-874749 Mon, 11 Mar 2013 19:43:59 +0000 RoseandJoan 874749@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Suz, does your daughter not mind the testing? I hope they are insightful for all of the family and allow for easy transition into high school. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/not-sure-how-to-phrase-this---discussing-disability-with-a-child/page/2#post-874713 Mon, 11 Mar 2013 19:07:15 +0000 Suz 874713@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I agree, Jules. You are such a good mother to be introducing her to activities where she can shine and form a justified positive belief in herself and her strengths. </p> <p>It is just so unfortunate that the language of this prize robs her of that achievement! </p> <p>As she gets older, she will also become an advocate for herself. We are watching this happen (or begin to happen) with our daughter, who is about to enter high school next year. She does not think of herself as having a "disability" (most of the time....) but she is aware that she has "differences" and that some things that are difficult for her are easy for others -- and vice versa. We are currently undergoing a second round of psychoeducational testing. Discussing the results of the first round was actually empowering for her. She learned that her verbal intelligence is in the 99th percentile, even if her working memory is only in the 4th. It helped her understand some of her own frustrations and confusions. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/not-sure-how-to-phrase-this---discussing-disability-with-a-child/page/2#post-874413 Mon, 11 Mar 2013 14:02:54 +0000 RoseandJoan 874413@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Ornella, you are not patronising in the slightest and I really am humbled to know how much you thought on the situation. You are also very right about the number of influences and opinions which are outside of a parents control. </p> <p>Hopefully we can keep Teah's self belief high because this will be her first and best barrier against prejudice. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/not-sure-how-to-phrase-this---discussing-disability-with-a-child#post-874223 Mon, 11 Mar 2013 08:32:32 +0000 Ornella 874223@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I've been thinking about this a lot since I read it last night for the first time and one thing that had resurfaced as something I'd probably find the most difficult to handle is that the outside world is somehow stepping in hastily and overrides your (my) plans for when to say certain things and in which way. It's no longer on your and Ben's terms, but something someone else forced you to introduce into Teah's vocabulary and world. </p> <p>The thing is, no matter what our children are like and through which forms of abilities the outside world is viewing them, this is something that will be happening - they will be exposed to all sorts of things they, and we, have to digest. The older they are, the more of such situations the world will throw at them. </p> <p>I believe in solid foundations, in everything. What we started doing long ago is telling our son that "What matters is what mum and day think and say, not what other people think or say". I want this thought to be part of his subconscious thinking, same as the fact we love him unconditionally. It's almost like safety mechanism we're developing that we use now and will use in the future when we know things will be happening which may affect his confidence and belief in himself. Big statement, of course, and some day he will have his opinion and choices which will differ from ours, but I believe the child must know where the safe harbor is. Some things we say don't make sense to them now, but as long as they are good for them I believe they will resurface once they can fully understand the meaning, thus making them stronger.</p> <p>E.g. my son was told in the kindergarden here by some older boys that they won't play with him until he learns the language! This was a few weeks after he had started going. He was confused more than upset really (I was the one who was upset, but told myself that a) kids don't see things in the same, complex context as adults do, and b) the other boys were really just practical and had no patience to fuss with the boy who could not follow their conversation and instructions.) From their point of view, his *ability* to speak their language was non-existant at that time, and that's how they saw him. Paradoxically, it did not work the other way - the fact is he caught up quickly and is now *able* to speaks three languages when most of them speak only one.<br /> But it all does matter to us. Both times we jumped in and said to him "What matters is what we say...", the first time to explain and comfort him, the second time to strengthen his confidence in himself and in us. </p> <p>My friend whose boy (almost 5) has autism said once "Once you're told the diagnosis, you stop thinking in average terms and statistics." I know that it was much harder for them in many ways compared to us as they were presented with challenges they never came across, but knowing what they needed to manage brought much piece and with that room to view a lot of sources of joy. But, in all honesty, parenting is very much about finding what works for you, whether it's supported by the statistics or not, and you seem to be on the right track in every sense. I just hope you take good care of yourself too.</p> <p>Sorry for the long post Jules and I hope it does not sound patronizing, but makes some sense to you. I have no doubts you can turn this situation to your advantage and source of future strength for Teah, yourself and your whole family. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/not-sure-how-to-phrase-this---discussing-disability-with-a-child#post-874208 Mon, 11 Mar 2013 06:57:11 +0000 ramya 874208@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Congratulations Teah!!!!<br /> You are amazing :).. </p> <p>And shall I say Jules you are an awesome Mom... The grace and dignity you showed in this tricky situation is amazing... </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/not-sure-how-to-phrase-this---discussing-disability-with-a-child#post-873989 Mon, 11 Mar 2013 01:53:44 +0000 Anonymous 873989@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Julie, I am so upset that they did this! I'm just throwing my hands up in the air thinking REALLY? That adorable, talented child is really lucky that she has a brilliant and thoughtful Mum who carefully considered how best to handle this....deep breaths. The breathing is for me, not you. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/not-sure-how-to-phrase-this---discussing-disability-with-a-child#post-873694 Sun, 10 Mar 2013 21:58:20 +0000 Ornella 873694@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Jules, I'm late to the thread as I often overlook OT section, but just wanted to say I cannot even begin to understand how you must really feel, as I myself am furious and upset just reading this. Seems like those who are trying to do something really good failed at the most basic of things by giving unnecessary - and incorrect - label to what is ultimately an achievement and should be viewed only as such. </p> <p>Congratulations to your beautiful girl. I truly admire your spirit and the way you handle things. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/not-sure-how-to-phrase-this---discussing-disability-with-a-child#post-873156 Sun, 10 Mar 2013 09:44:38 +0000 RoseandJoan 873156@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Zap - that is Teah for you, she is way ahead of her peers with a reading but struggles to grip a pencil or to out her thoughts into words. She is amazing.<br /> Dana - you have great problem solving ability.<br /> Angie - thank you so much.<br /> Suz - I know you understand too.<br /> Katiepea - thank you so much for link and your kind words.<br /> Shannon - honestly you have a way with words which just turns my frowns upside down.<br /> Elisabeth - thank you for the support. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/not-sure-how-to-phrase-this---discussing-disability-with-a-child#post-873113 Sun, 10 Mar 2013 05:31:13 +0000 Aziraphale 873113@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Oh Julie, I have no words of wisdom. I am so sorry. People are often guilty of not thinking. Teah is adorable, and you are such a wonderful, capable mother. I think you are doing the right thing by talking about autism the same way you would talk about any other condition. Hopefully this will be less of a big issue than you think. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/not-sure-how-to-phrase-this---discussing-disability-with-a-child#post-873031 Sun, 10 Mar 2013 02:32:00 +0000 Transcona Shannon 873031@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I think you have handled this situation with grace and dignity Julie. I think you are an amazing person and mother. Teah is about as adorable as it gets and HUGE congratulations to her for her amazing accomplishment. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/not-sure-how-to-phrase-this---discussing-disability-with-a-child#post-872986 Sun, 10 Mar 2013 01:12:23 +0000 Katiepea 872986@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Jules, I just have to say I've just seen this post and I am absolutely shocked and saddened by this experience. I think the way you are handling the situation is absolutely spot-on. </p> <p>I'm so impressed by the way you and Ben are working together so hard to ensure Teah will maintain a positive self-definition of who she is. I truly believe that your positive, pro-active approach will help ensure she grows up in a world that is increasingly becoming a more accepting and understanding place.</p> <p>(As an aside, I thought I'd share the following link with you just for interest. It's a campaign currently being held by Cambridge University and I found it very interesting, as I could see linkages with this situation: <a href="http://www.disabled.cusu.cam.ac.uk/campaigns/selfdefine/" rel="nofollow">http://www.disabled.cusu.cam.a.....elfdefine/</a> ) </p> <p>Do let us know their response to the letter.</p> <p>KP<br /> x<br /> PS:Teah is so gorgeous, my jaw hit the ground to see her standing on that horse. WOW! WOW! WOW! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/not-sure-how-to-phrase-this---discussing-disability-with-a-child#post-872633 Sat, 09 Mar 2013 16:46:08 +0000 Isabel 872633@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Yay !! I am so glad that you are writing to them. My experience ( through my son and my sister who has brain damage ) is that people are usually very gracious and open to this. </p> <p>XXXXXXXX </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/not-sure-how-to-phrase-this---discussing-disability-with-a-child#post-872594 Sat, 09 Mar 2013 16:16:05 +0000 Claudia 872594@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I don't think that Jules and Ben should be put in a position to have to explain the word "disability" to a five year old if they feel introducing it into her life is premature at this time and under these circumstances. I agree with them. And also why make her ribbon anything other than receiving an excellent award in a group competition, period, at her young age? If I marked up with a black marker (in a kid's perspective defaced) one of my kid's treasured possessions at that age, no matter the positive intent, I think it would have upset them, because it is beyond their level of understanding. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/not-sure-how-to-phrase-this---discussing-disability-with-a-child#post-872583 Sat, 09 Mar 2013 15:53:43 +0000 Suz 872583@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Wow, looking at those photos of Teah, all I can think of are her ABILITIES!!! </p> <p>I am so glad you are writing to the organizers, Jules. That sounds like a really good approach. I will be interested to hear what they say. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/not-sure-how-to-phrase-this---discussing-disability-with-a-child#post-872581 Sat, 09 Mar 2013 15:52:16 +0000 Angie 872581@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I LOVE Dana's response!! Brilliant :). YAY!! First place!</p> <p>*applause*</p> <p>Jules, Teah is sooooooo lucky to have you and Ben to guide and nurture her. She is cuter than cute in her little gym outfit, and a beautiful little girl who is absolutely capable. Animals are so very therapeutic. </p> <p>I wish I had words of wisdom for you. Your fury is justified, and I am livid with you. But as always, your rational, emotionally intelligent, and problem solving side kicks in. I'm glad that you wrote that letter. It was cathartic I'm sure. </p> <p>Good luck, sweetpea, You are very fab. xox </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/not-sure-how-to-phrase-this---discussing-disability-with-a-child#post-872482 Sat, 09 Mar 2013 14:13:13 +0000 ironkurtin 872482@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Take a big black pen and cross out the DIS part. This ribbon celebrates her ABILITIES. Good for her! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/not-sure-how-to-phrase-this---discussing-disability-with-a-child#post-872466 Sat, 09 Mar 2013 13:33:33 +0000 Anonymous 872466@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I am blown away that she can read the word. I still believe that you should not feel forced to go again your instinct and have a full on conversation now, that your daughter might not fully comprehend and even confuse her. I love the ideas the ladies provided, as far as a very light conversation. I am very glad you wrote that letter. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/not-sure-how-to-phrase-this---discussing-disability-with-a-child#post-872451 Sat, 09 Mar 2013 13:15:27 +0000 RoseandJoan 872451@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Thank you Claudia, you're a gem. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/not-sure-how-to-phrase-this---discussing-disability-with-a-child#post-872450 Sat, 09 Mar 2013 13:15:20 +0000 Claudia 872450@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Jules, we cross posted! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/not-sure-how-to-phrase-this---discussing-disability-with-a-child#post-872448 Sat, 09 Mar 2013 13:13:56 +0000 RoseandJoan 872448@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Thank you so much for your wisdom, your words combined with a good nights sleep has really helped me to process my thoughts.</p> <p>Louise - thank you for understanding.<br /> Isabel - your thoughts help a great deal. I will certainly use the silly word idea going forward.<br /> Glory - thank you for your perspective.<br /> Zap - Teah can read the word but has no concept of what is means at this time, she has not yet asked for an explanation. This is also compounded by her having a lot of speech but not the understanding of what words mean in context.<br /> Rachy - I like that approach, thank you.<br /> Mochi - I also know someone like that, my mum, she has a mental illness and defines herself by this illness. She will give up on things without even trying because of this which I find hugely frustrating. I really do not wish my daughter to impose limitations on herself based on a perception of how a disabled person should be.<br /> Nicole - that is it, I don't mind Teah being placed in a category but once an award is given it should be a case of 'good job well done'.<br /> Echo - I am 100% behind the differently abled idea, it gives the freedom to discuss the things she finds hard whilst embracing her unique strengths.<br /> Tina, thank you for sharing your perspective.<br /> Debbie, thank you for your continued support.<br /> Anna, I really appreciate you sharing your perspective.</p> <p>So the upshot is I am writing a letter to the organisers of the competition to let them know what a great job they are doing but also to highlight how I feel the use of this word disabled is appropriate particularly given the young age of most of the competitors. I will not raise an official complaint but will ask for them to consider my letter and to put their response in writing. </p> <p>Thank you again for your kindness. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/not-sure-how-to-phrase-this---discussing-disability-with-a-child#post-872447 Sat, 09 Mar 2013 13:12:32 +0000 Claudia 872447@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Jules,</p> <p>I think you should contact the organizers and tell them exactly, as you've done here, and explain the situation this has put you and your child in, and no doubt many other such parents and their children. No one should be defined in such a way by their disability! A thoughtless and insensitive error that you need fixed now -- and prevented in the future!</p> <p>I would kindly ask that they provide you with a similar ribbon without the word emblazoned upon it as soon as possible so that you can switch it out. If Teah was to notice, tell her they made a typo/spelling error and have sent all the winners new ribbons.</p> <p>If this is not possible, I would call around to the many specialty companies that produce these types of ribbons, or send some emails explaining what happened, and see if you can get a similar sample ribbon from them sent to you. I am confident that any company would be more than happy to just pop one in the mail to you. </p> <p><a href="https://www.google.com/search?q=show+ribbons+uk&#038;aq=0&#038;oq=UK+show+ribbons&#038;aqs=chrome.1.57j0j62.18580&#038;sourceid=chrome&#038;ie=UTF-8" rel="nofollow">https://www.google.com/search?.....8;ie=UTF-8</a> </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/not-sure-how-to-phrase-this---discussing-disability-with-a-child#post-872373 Sat, 09 Mar 2013 06:14:39 +0000 Debbie 872373@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>This makes me furious. Why did they put anything on the Rosettes except for maybe congratulations,great job, amazing ect...<br /> As you know my 22 year old daughter has cerebal palsy. We have never defined her by her disability. I am going to ask Anna what she thinks about this. I am half asleep but will post tomorrow.<br /> Hugs to you. </p> <p>Okay, this is Anna. (Mom passed me this before she went to bed). This agitates me and I don't easily get agitated when it comes to addressing my disability. The thing that mainly bugs me is that there is NO explanation that would deem this necessary. WHY on EARTH did they feel that was necessary?? I'd love to hear what they had to say about it. What also bothers me is since your daughter IS so young, I hope she doesnt interpret it now as "I won this BECAUSE I'm disabled" rather than "I overcame my disability and won anyway because I'm awesome like that." </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/not-sure-how-to-phrase-this---discussing-disability-with-a-child#post-872371 Sat, 09 Mar 2013 06:06:45 +0000 Debbie 872371@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Oops double post </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/not-sure-how-to-phrase-this---discussing-disability-with-a-child#post-872197 Sat, 09 Mar 2013 02:31:38 +0000 Tina 872197@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>What an adorable girl she is, you must be so proud. I have 2 nephews with autism so I know a bit about the value of finding things that work for them and that they enjoy.<br /> We have a 7 year old daughter with cerebral palsy, she has severe spasticity in her hips and legs. She cannot walk without a walker but is otherwise completely capable of learning and is very bright. Interestingly she does not see herself as 'handicapped' (that's the word she uses). We have never really used any of these words to describe her but there is sometimes a need to explain the different challenges people face. She is acutely aware of her surroundings and asks a lot of questions.<br /> I don't know how well your daughter communicates but you could feel her out and then take it from there. I really like the term 'differently abled' as Echo said.<br /> There will be a time in the future when you may need to go into more detail with her but for now you may just want to treat it lightly and just cover up that word with something prettier and shinier. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/not-sure-how-to-phrase-this---discussing-disability-with-a-child#post-872115 Sat, 09 Mar 2013 01:22:43 +0000 Echo 872115@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>First of all, I have to applaud you for not embracing the "disability" label. I think many children could go much further if not encumbered by the expectations others have of them due to the label (and I say this as the mother of a PDD/NOS son). </p> <p>Second, I agree with you, and I would be livid as well. I think you need to address this with the organization and encourage them to award ribbons and other things with wording like, "First in Class" or "Second in Class" without specifying what THEY think those classes ought to be labelled as. </p> <p>Third, I would try to spin the word as a variation or shortening of the words "differently abled", which ought to fly with a 5 year old. If she knows she is different in some ways, explain to her that every sport has categories - mens or womens; junior varsity or varsity; class and division in college sports, etc. The class she was in was for those who are differently abled, and this was the wording they chose to use on the ribbon, but be honest that you do not like the word. Indeed, if I were you and my son has won a similar award, I would take him to a hobby shop or a store to get a piece of gold ribbon or matching red ribbon or something else cool (of his choosing) to cover up the word, just to demonstrate to him how much I didn't like the word.</p> <p>As she gets older, don't be afraid of telling her the biases others might have, but always reinforce that you don't view her that way. Tell her that you know how much she is capable of, and that others can think what they will, but that you know the REAL Teah, and you know she can do anything she sets her mind to. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/not-sure-how-to-phrase-this---discussing-disability-with-a-child#post-872096 Sat, 09 Mar 2013 00:58:48 +0000 Nicole D 872096@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Congratulations to Teah. She is extremely brave, and not just for getting up on that horse. Seriously, that is an amazing accomplishment, and she won no less!<br /> I think the organizers need some feedback. They must have their hearts in the right place but that label is totally inappropriate. Try "Special", it worked for the Special Olympics.<br /> In terms of how to deal with the award itself, Teah should be proud no matter what it says. I agree that an honest approach, indicating that kids with disabilities and kids who are "abled" are in different categories, just like age divisions. Simple as that. </p> <p>Or you could whip out your glue gun and glue sequins all over those letters! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/not-sure-how-to-phrase-this---discussing-disability-with-a-child#post-872095 Sat, 09 Mar 2013 00:57:39 +0000 Mochi 872095@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I don't know what words of wisdom to give you, Jules, except to just say I understand your frustration. I know a woman who's got a son with some sensory overstimulation issues (not autism) and she's always referring to him as having "special needs." Special needs, special needs, special needs, that's all I hear every time she brings him up on our forum, and I feel it's sad and also limiting for the both of them. (She of course is "the mom of the special needs child.")</p> <p>Your daughter is adorable. So glad she's enjoying the riding and excelling with it. PS: at her age I would have been SO JEALOUS of her getting all this riding time. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/not-sure-how-to-phrase-this---discussing-disability-with-a-child#post-872074 Sat, 09 Mar 2013 00:38:14 +0000 rachylou 872074@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Teah looks like such the acrobat! How cools is that!</p> <p>But an emotional subject, a word laden with connotation.</p> <p>I believe my approach would be as cut and dried as possible, without getting into the all ins-and-outs, connotations, and reactions that people have to the term and the reality. Autism is Teah's disability, that is how she qualifies for the vaulting program. Others who do the vaulting have other disabilities (I presume). </p> <p>And I do believe I would describe being diabled as having to do some things in a different way as compared to the majority of people. And for example, I for one would need a large *handicap* in golf. People need to spot me a lot of points when it comes to golf... </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/not-sure-how-to-phrase-this---discussing-disability-with-a-child#post-872063 Sat, 09 Mar 2013 00:30:14 +0000 Anonymous 872063@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>First, a big congratulations to Teah. I love her blue jumpsuit. my daughter was slighly overweight for most of her elementary school years and my approach was always just like yours, to explain the issue as best as I could.</p> <p>My first reaction is perhaps silly but can she read? If she cannot understand the word, i don't think you need to jump and deviate from what you felt was the right way to approach it as a family. Even if she asks you to read it, do so but do not elaborate on it too much, that's what I would do.</p> <p>I am sorry that the choice of words was rather insensitive. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/not-sure-how-to-phrase-this---discussing-disability-with-a-child#post-872033 Fri, 08 Mar 2013 23:57:38 +0000 Glory 872033@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Yup I would be very upset as well. I have a 12 year old with a learning disability so I can feel some of this with you. I really do not understand why the organization would do that. There were so many ways they could have done this. I think it is worth talking to them as they are obviously doing many great things. Perhaps they would be open to updating this. I hope you can advocate with them but in the meantime Congrats to Teah on a job very well done! </p>