YouLookFab Forum » Topic: Need parenting advice..even from non-parents

YouLookFab Forum » Topic: Need parenting advice..even from non-parents https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/need-parenting-adviceeven-from-non-parents Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Mon, 27 Apr 2026 21:33:53 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 <![CDATA[Search]]> q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php Isabel on "Need parenting advice..even from non-parents" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/need-parenting-adviceeven-from-non-parents/page/2#post-1130490 Mon, 06 Jan 2014 18:15:28 +0000 Isabel 1130490@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Echo, yes, at least in this situation, I find it such a crap shoot that I can't chance it.  In the end, this is what is really about for me. Thanks for your insights ! Isabel on "Need parenting advice..even from non-parents" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/need-parenting-adviceeven-from-non-parents/page/2#post-1130489 Mon, 06 Jan 2014 18:14:30 +0000 Isabel 1130489@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Again, thank you.  What a wonderful set of thoughtful responses. CC, yes. After reading all the replies, I realized that my issue is not the UFC per se but the obsession that disallows anything else from going on at the house. Even during playdates. What you said really struck me. I don't know anything about martial arts, so it does seem like random violence to me. Interesting. My husband HATES rap, but I know a little about it, and I just really love a good rap with word bending.  Hmmmmmm.......thank you.  Gillian, I actually have no problem with "hosting" every time !  LOL I prefer it. It just made for a sticky situation that my daughter did get invited and I just don't want her there. But you are right, the stakes will only get higher.  thank you ! Unfrumped, I realized that is a big problem for me. When other people are involved and I make a judgement call, I end up feeling judgmental. You are right in that there is a difference.  The comment from Jenava was very elucidating.  AG, it is such a tough line. Teaching children to make value decisions without judging other people is so tough. My kids also know that I am not their friend. Though I LOVE One Direction and Macklemore !    Sara your comment really touched me. I just hope that my kids don't end up in therapy because of me !  I really appreciated your own family example.  DonnaF, ahhhh, that is my dream !  You must be so proud ! Lyn, I am going to suspend sleepovers until I get a better handle on this. And to be fair to this friend, I am going to do it for everyone.  Louise...oooo, I may just have learned a lesson from your dad. : ) cciele on "Need parenting advice..even from non-parents" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/need-parenting-adviceeven-from-non-parents/page/2#post-1130423 Mon, 06 Jan 2014 16:58:28 +0000 cciele 1130423@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Isabel, thanks for responding! I can see why you don't want your DD there. As parents, we all have our reasons for allowing or not allowing our kids to go on playdates or sleepovers. I'd also feel uncomfortable with strangers going in and out, and the parent not respecting my wishes. Interestingly enough, the scenario you describe also brings to mind football fans and football parties :) As far as UFC goes, I'm not a superfan but I do watch it if it happens to be on. I've been involved in martial arts since I was a child, but my appreciation of MMA has developed as I have learned the techniques and strategies that the fighters use (and by no means am I any kind of expert!). So when I watch, I don't see people randomly fighting. I look at the types of punches they use, the types of holds they use, how they avoid or get out of the attacks, etc. Does that make sense?  Anonymous on "Need parenting advice..even from non-parents" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/need-parenting-adviceeven-from-non-parents/page/2#post-1129864 Mon, 06 Jan 2014 00:07:02 +0000 Anonymous 1129864@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I am not a parent yet and can't really offer much perspective that everyone else hasn't covered! I just wanted to chime in to say that it's possible your daughter's friend really doesn't feel strongly either way and would be perfectly happy to continue just visiting your home. I had friends who only offered to host every now and then, I think because they felt obligated to reciprocate. We could tell if they really didn't care and would be happy continuing to visit our home. One of my best friends since 6th grade has never hosted in her family home. I know her parents well, get along with her family, and am honestly not sure why she did not want friends to visit the house. But her way of handling it was to always plan events out of the house - bowling, movies, snowtubing, etc. If you're uncomfortable about the imbalance of always hosting your daughter's friend, you could switch to more outside-the-home activities in general. But it's possible the girl views your house as a welcome respite from the weirdness at her own home! Personally I think she's lucky to have you to visit! The fighting is one thing, but she might not be comfortable with all those strange men in her house constantly, either. And that's only going to become more problematic as she becomes a teenager.  Isabel on "Need parenting advice..even from non-parents" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/need-parenting-adviceeven-from-non-parents/page/2#post-1129552 Sun, 05 Jan 2014 17:44:17 +0000 Isabel 1129552@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/  I will come back to respond to each person individually.  Thank you all so much, you have no idea how much peace it brings me. CC, I would like to address you now.  I don't think that they are questionable parents for the UFC stuff alone. Though I really hate UFC, truthfully. It really comes down to the fact that it never stops, that there are men in and out of the house that I don't know, and that they don't supervise the kids.  I know that they would not uphold my wish that my daughter not watch UFC or that she be there at a time when all those men weren't there.  Those things make me very, very nervous.  Interestingly, this is the first time in 3 years that my daughter has gotten an invite. But when the little girl is here, we talk about her mom's competitions. I tell her how impressed I am by her mom's commitment  and discipline and how strong she is physically. ( This is all true.)   I love to see a strong woman. My daughter's friend likes to talk about it sometimes, so I talk about the things that I find positive. She only once brought up how proud she was that her mom "beat the other lady until she bled.."  and I shut that down.  That I didn't like. Though I didn't tell the child that.  But out of curiosity, what do you like about UFC ? It seems like such an outlier to everything else you do.    :  )  In the end, what I have learned here is that I really need to have a heart to heart with my daughter about her exposure to certain things...but that it is not the people.  unfrumped on "Need parenting advice..even from non-parents" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/need-parenting-adviceeven-from-non-parents/page/2#post-1129322 Sun, 05 Jan 2014 09:59:20 +0000 unfrumped 1129322@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I Iike how Jenava put it. There is a difference between using your judgement and being " judgmental", I think. Taking time even for this discussion on YLF may help desensitize things for you so you can be more matter if fact and simple in your discussions-- " as your mom I think that it is not good for you to watch very violent ..." Also makes us think of whether we are consistent! I was always irked at how even the most innocuous- appearing kid movies snuck in bad language or sexual innuendo.. I think it is great also to ask DD what she thinks of various things, like fights , violence, sports, different types of humor) and you can do that in ways not just linked to this family. Ultimately, educating and helping your child grow up is the goal, and she's not too young to hear that concept ( meaning, at that age we include rationales) even if she, like all kids, may not nod & agree with your wisdom at the time. I'm almost more concerned about how sensitive the other mom is to judgement and criticism of what is clearly a fringe activity, because that sounds less mature and be a sign that she might be more protective of her " right" to do this than of child safety. cciele on "Need parenting advice..even from non-parents" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/need-parenting-adviceeven-from-non-parents/page/2#post-1129287 Sun, 05 Jan 2014 06:06:07 +0000 cciele 1129287@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ This is a hard one for me. Particularly since I am a parent of two girls, I train in an MMA gym, and I have been to an UFC showing with my kids (who weren't particularly interested anyhow). I also cosleep, practice unconditional parenting, and send my kids to a Montessori school (where there is a lot of emphasis on practicing peace). So in some eyes, that would make me a parent with questionable judgement. That's fine. What matters is what you feel and what your gut says. You are the parent. I would echo the others in saying that this is a great learning opportunity to discuss different lifestyles and choices, etc., and make clear where you stand without badmouthing other choices (which I truly appreciate). catgirl on "Need parenting advice..even from non-parents" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/need-parenting-adviceeven-from-non-parents/page/2#post-1129211 Sun, 05 Jan 2014 04:07:53 +0000 catgirl 1129211@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I walk this line all the time with my 10 year old son.  We are pretty strict parents, although we do allow sleepovers with close friends (whose parenting skills and homes we know).  Our son knows our rules and is fairly good about abiding by them as much as he can.  At the same time, I 100% support Angie and others in the theory that the more kids are exposed to other choices and lifestyles, the more they can discuss why you choose otherwise for them.  My son comes home complaining about friends whose parents don't serve fruit, or let them watch hours of TV.  I figure kids are brainwashed by so many influences - I want to be the first.  My son knows I am not his friend or his playmate; I am his mother.  I often tell him that my job is to raise him like any other mammal, to be independent and successful on his own, and I will decide (along with DH) how best to do that.  Luckily he is a rule follower and will not hesitate to let people know that he is not allowed to do certain things.  I make it clear to him that he can use me as the bad guy now and forever if it gets him out of a peer pressure situation. I do try to sensitize him not to say things like "My mother says parents who let their kids do X are bad parents" because that's not the lesson.  It's more "In our family, we choose not to do X because we believe that Y is better."    SarahTheWhite on "Need parenting advice..even from non-parents" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/need-parenting-adviceeven-from-non-parents/page/2#post-1129164 Sun, 05 Jan 2014 03:23:29 +0000 SarahTheWhite 1129164@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I have really enjoyed reading the replies. It's so great to see so many sides of the same coin! The only thing I have to add is about how to talk to your daughter about it. At our house, we have been having lots of discussions with our 11 year old son about why he can't do/watch/have what other kids do. The only thing to at seems to help him wrap his mind around the glaring perceived unfairness has been for us to explain that every family is responsible for their own family and they all have different sets of rules, preferences and values. The thing that really helps him (hopefully) keep from judging the other parents or saying hurtful things to friends, is that we point out things that we allow that his friends' parents don't. Just as his cousin is not allowed to see movies that might scare her or have bad language, we feel that he can handle the action and know when not to use certain inappropriate words. We ask him if this makes us bad parents that we allow him to do something that another family doesn't allow. Of course he thinks this makes us great parents, but it paints a picture that he can understand that his friend's parents aren't bad either. They just allow something we aren't comfortable with. The 9,10,11 years are so awesome for the amount of teaching and reasoning that can be done! Anyway... I just thought a practical glimpse into one of the many discussions in our house might spark your imagination on how to work through this with your daughter. These tough situations are amazing fodder for life lessons! You seem to have such a sweet mama-heart... DonnaF on "Need parenting advice..even from non-parents" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/need-parenting-adviceeven-from-non-parents/page/2#post-1128864 Sat, 04 Jan 2014 21:25:19 +0000 DonnaF 1128864@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ DD & her friends are still underage (below 21) for drinking in the US although I have no illusions re alcohol consumption in college.  As in high school, she and they are always trolling for parties.  And the report inevitably comes back:  "No party here; my parents are too responsible."  Don't you just love those other parents and the kids they raised?  I actually think the kids are secretly proud and relieved.  Lyn D. on "Need parenting advice..even from non-parents" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/need-parenting-adviceeven-from-non-parents/page/2#post-1128849 Sat, 04 Jan 2014 20:51:07 +0000 Lyn D. 1128849@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I haven't read the other replies yet, but we always just told our girls that they were too young to sleep-over until we felt they were ready. We also occasionally said that if we did not 'know' the other adults involved we were not comfortable with that either, and that is was because we love them that we were saying 'no'. What about the option of having the other child say at your house instead? Louise on "Need parenting advice..even from non-parents" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/need-parenting-adviceeven-from-non-parents/page/2#post-1128818 Sat, 04 Jan 2014 20:17:53 +0000 Louise 1128818@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Echo your dad's words ring true, I heard somewhere that every hours sleep before midnight is the equivalent of 2 of the hours after midnight or something like that x Echo on "Need parenting advice..even from non-parents" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/need-parenting-adviceeven-from-non-parents#post-1128758 Sat, 04 Jan 2014 19:16:46 +0000 Echo 1128758@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I don't judge parents who allow sleepovers for their children, but there were two situations that happened where I grew up that made me decide "never" for my own kids. In one case, a girl was badly hurt by a family dog, and in another, there were allegations of abuse from a friend of an older brother.  I am all about tolerance and appreciating differences, but there are just too many things out of my hands in a sleepover situation. Like was already mentioned, what about guns in the home? Pets? Even if the parents don't watch questionable things on the telly, often older siblings do.  My kids have eaten dinner with others, been to family gatherings with other people, etc. They are often very involved with friends's families. But my dad used to say, "Nothing good happens after midnight", and that generally holds true. For my family, it is best for my kids to be home and in bed each night, but as they say, YMMV. There are just too many potentially dangerous variables for my comfort level. Isabel on "Need parenting advice..even from non-parents" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/need-parenting-adviceeven-from-non-parents#post-1128697 Sat, 04 Jan 2014 18:08:07 +0000 Isabel 1128697@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ thank you JAileen !!!!  I don't feel right about it.  Isabel on "Need parenting advice..even from non-parents" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/need-parenting-adviceeven-from-non-parents#post-1128695 Sat, 04 Jan 2014 18:07:13 +0000 Isabel 1128695@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Thank you for all the recent opinions. I am so grateful to have such a fantastic and wise group of women to bounce things off of. IK,  I have known the mom ( as an acquaintance for 6 years. long before her fascination with Ultimate Fighting ) and I know what goes on in the house because of what the mom, the little girl, and their babysitter have told me.  They ARE very nice people. In fact, the mom is very interesting. And the grandmother is wonderful too.  ( I don't know the father well )  So what I have said are not speculations but actualities.  The activities in the house are just very scary and uncertain to me.  It is unfortunate. But you are right, I have to stand my ground on this. Adelfa...I really like the idea of discussing the consequences if she repeats what we say. I really don't want to hurt the other child.  Donna F. yes, you are right. It is so much more than the fighting. It is the whole atmosphere.  Donna, the fighting is on tv and they re-watch matches over and over in order to study them.  There is "sparring" that goes on live at the house too. Especially now that the mom does it professionally. The father is getting ready to go semi-pro and quit his job, too.  Apparently, there are "surprise" attacks at home to train reaction times.  la belle and aqua marine, I feel the same way and I need to stick to it.  KKards, that is actually a very interesting perspective. In the 3 years that my daughter has been friendly with this girl, my daughter has never been to her house to play. Ever. In fact, the child prefers coming over here. You might be onto something.  Irene and Angie, I agree completely about it teaching tolerance and resilience. Unfortunately, those types of communities don't exist much anymore. We are also a very homogenous community.  I find that many playdates are to keep the children busy while the parents do something else...so supervision is always a huge concern for me. We have a very high gun ownership in our town, too...so at first , when my kids had playdates, I always ask about guns and how they were stored.  I ask about dogs.  I don't allow R rated movies.  It makes me sad that it does seem so complicated now. Childhood friendships just shouldn't have to be this way, with so much imposition on a friendship. But it is the way it is...and so many of you are correct in saying that I better lay the ground work. Zap, thank you. That is a good approach.  I am not judging the people involved, but rather the "situation" and that I feel safer with the girls here.  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX JAileen on "Need parenting advice..even from non-parents" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/need-parenting-adviceeven-from-non-parents#post-1128692 Sat, 04 Jan 2014 18:01:07 +0000 JAileen 1128692@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ As someone else said, go with your gut feeling. Many years ago, when my son was eight or so, a child from the Y wanted to invite him for a sleepover. On a school night. The mother, who I had never met, called and insisted it would be fine, she'd make him a lunch for school, etc. I refused and never regretted it. If I knew the family, if it were on the weekend, etc., maybe. Anyway, my point is it's your child, you're responsible for his safety, and if it doesn't feel right, just don 't do it. And don't feel bad about it. Angie on "Need parenting advice..even from non-parents" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/need-parenting-adviceeven-from-non-parents#post-1128649 Sat, 04 Jan 2014 17:23:15 +0000 Angie 1128649@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ FWIW, I'm going to share my experience.  I slept over at good little friends houses frequently, and these little friends slept over at our house too. And I had a very protective Mama. It was an excellent way to be exposed to a different set of house rules, types of food, activities, and cultures. Like spending the Sabbath with my little jewish friend gave me an appreciation for Israel at a very early age. I also enjoyed Indian food and large families with my little Hindi friend. I spent time sleeping over at a little Auzzie friend's house, Justine, whose Papa was a single parent - and it made me love my Mama even more. I felt so, so bad for her that she didn't have a Mama. And I loved going horse riding with my great little Welsh friend Harriet who lived in walking distance from the stables. So I would just spend the night at her house every so often - so that we could walk to the stables. My Mama was fine with it. And I am to this day grateful for the exposure in my formative years. (I only spent the night with little friends I liked).  I'm sure if my Mama did NOT want me to stay over somewhere, she'd have put her foot down. And with a new set of friends as a teen, sleepovers were so much fun. Definitely part of growing up and learning - for me, anyway.  Isabel, I have no words of wisdom. My sleepover experiences go back to the '70s and '80s - and parenting was very different back then. Our parents allowed us to do things that would never happen today. It's never easy, is it? I enjoyed reading the opinions on this thread and wish you luck. xo Anonymous on "Need parenting advice..even from non-parents" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/need-parenting-adviceeven-from-non-parents#post-1128608 Sat, 04 Jan 2014 16:37:03 +0000 Anonymous 1128608@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Well, I had a strict "no sleep over policy". I really saw no use in sending my child to sleep on someone else's house, so I never faced this one. I think honesty is the best policy in this case. You are not really saying they are bad people, you just don't like their everyday life. That's what I would say. ironkurtin on "Need parenting advice..even from non-parents" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/need-parenting-adviceeven-from-non-parents#post-1128586 Sat, 04 Jan 2014 15:57:11 +0000 ironkurtin 1128586@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I know a few mixed-martial artist folks and, extreme sports moves aside, they're usually really nice people.  Just like goths may look scary, but inside they're the sweetest, nicest people.  They dress up on the outside to hide their soft insides.  I wouldn't automatically assume that just because these folks are all-out in the ring that bad things happen when they are out of it. That aside, as a parent you have absolute veto right over your children.  I would just be honest why.  A simple, "I am not on board with all that fighting and you are not going," is just fine.  If your kid or the other mom calls you on it, stand your ground!  The other mom is okay with it, you're not, you're not judging, but it's not your thing, so live and let live, but no sleepovers.  This is how you feel and that's how it is. I personally don't get the sleepover thing, but my daughter loves it.  She doesn't do much sleeping though, I'll say that. Irene on "Need parenting advice..even from non-parents" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/need-parenting-adviceeven-from-non-parents#post-1128562 Sat, 04 Jan 2014 15:08:17 +0000 Irene 1128562@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I think sleepovers are a fantastic way of giving both parents and children some time apart. They have fun somewhere else, somewhere where they are controlled by other people (who are not their parents), somewhere where things are done differently and thus they can learn to accept other people's rules and manners. To adapt, and to behave. They learn to eat what's on their plate even if they don't like it, to sleep at a set time they might not be used to, etc. Also, it's good for a kid to feel kind of independent and learn to be on their own. The parents of course get alone-time, which is also nice. Now, onto your particular problem. That family sounds scary. It's one thing to do things differently -like, say, pray before meals, eat vegan food or go to bed super early-, but I wouldn't want my kids around people like these either. Sleepover or random visits. Beware with their child too, lest she starts hitting your daughter one of these days. PS: I have to admit, when I was that age I would go to my friend's house and watch a Disney movie. Then we would eat some pasta with tomato sauce for dinner, and play with dolls until it was time to go to bed. The most terrible thing that ever happened was my friend hitting the wall with her head accidentally. There were no adult TV programs or anything like that. I can't recall watching TV past cartoons time. kkards on "Need parenting advice..even from non-parents" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/need-parenting-adviceeven-from-non-parents#post-1128518 Sat, 04 Jan 2014 13:15:20 +0000 kkards 1128518@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ isabel, not a mom, but i want to add, it maybe that your daughter is looking for a reason not to go to this girl's house, but she doesn't want to hurt her friends feelings. your saying no will give her an out. Aquamarine on "Need parenting advice..even from non-parents" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/need-parenting-adviceeven-from-non-parents#post-1128512 Sat, 04 Jan 2014 12:31:28 +0000 Aquamarine 1128512@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I have to say I agree with La Belle. You get one shot at raising your kids. Stick to your guns, so to speak No one cares about your kids more than you do. Your daughter will not be scarred for life if you limit access to this other child's home. You cannot allow how others raise their kids to influence what matters most to you in raising yours (i.e., exposure to violence, questionable tv shows, etc.). This friend, this worry, is but a blip in her life. She probably won't remember this issue in a few years. lyn* on "Need parenting advice..even from non-parents" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/need-parenting-adviceeven-from-non-parents#post-1128488 Sat, 04 Jan 2014 07:30:45 +0000 lyn* 1128488@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I have seen the results of those "legal beat downs" and you're right, it keeps me in business, but it makes me sad because there is nothing I can do for these people. I can't grow them a new brain. Best of luck with your DD - she's lucky to have you as a mom! DonnaF on "Need parenting advice..even from non-parents" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/need-parenting-adviceeven-from-non-parents#post-1128435 Sat, 04 Jan 2014 04:20:06 +0000 DonnaF 1128435@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Isabel, What I am hearing from you is that it isn't merely UFC that you are against -- and truly, I think that would be enough as it sounds pretty bad.  But it is the entire context of lax supervision, strange men going in and out, parental encouragement of kids to engage in that type of fighting, and probably a few other things.  And is this fighting live or on TV? If the UFC is on TV, I guess I would regard it as a family allowing their children to watch *R* rated films:  Not something I approve of at all but not a 100% deal breaker.  But the whole rest of it, especially the lax supervision and encouraging kids to fight, are complete deal breakers for me.  If it were my DD's friend, I would explain that I require more supervision than she would get, and although I have met the parents, I haven't met the various men that go in and out.  Deborah on "Need parenting advice..even from non-parents" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/need-parenting-adviceeven-from-non-parents#post-1128416 Sat, 04 Jan 2014 04:00:32 +0000 Deborah 1128416@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I haven't read the other comments yet so forgive any repetition.  I have a 10 year old son who has a school friend who comes to play at our house from time to time.  The parents are 'nice' but I am very concerned about their lack of supervision.  We have simply explained to Master 10  that his friend may come to our house but he cannot go to his friends house because I am not comfortable with the lack of supervision and the values that they demonstrate.  We have been honest with Master 10 and explained that this is a private family conversation not to be shared.  We have been generous in our conversation ensuring that we are not expressing judgement or that this family is wrong... simply that they make difference decisions to us. If you think you daughter is ready for it, I think an open and honest conversation with her would be appropriate. Mary Beth (formerly LBD) on "Need parenting advice..even from non-parents" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/need-parenting-adviceeven-from-non-parents#post-1128396 Sat, 04 Jan 2014 03:35:34 +0000 Mary Beth (formerly LBD) 1128396@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I don't have kids.   But I watched my sister let her kids go off to friends' houses - friends whose parents allowed them to watch R-rated movies and cable TV shows, and TV shows like "Family Guy".   Don't me wrong, I enjoy many R-rated films and television, and I enjoy Family Guy, but I would never let a child on my watch view that stuff.   Too adult, too racy, too violent, too desensitizing, too. Now my sister lets them watch this stuff at home, shrugging and saying, 'well, they're just gonna watch it at their friends'.   I phoned my sister one day and found out my nephews, age 10 and age 13,  were watching "Full Metal Jacket".   SERIOUSLY.   Over time, this attitude has not-so-gradually led to her kids being jaded, desensitized, overworldly, acquisitive,  wanting every material possession - and being utterly bored and dissatisfied by it.   And their manners are terrible.    It has made their adult relatives on both sides of the family not want to spend as much time with them.   I will be honest, I often share that feeling. So.... yes.   I realize this wasn't all because of inappropriate television shows - but - how do I put this?    Stick to your guns.   Stick to your standards.   When you let things erode your belief system and set of aesthetics... it causes ripples in everything in your life, and that of your children's.  "No" is one of the most important words a loving parent can say to a child, and one of the most difficult to say.    Ten years old is old enough to take your daughter aside, and explain that she is not allowed to go over there, but that you love and admire her friend very much, and that her friend is always welcome to come over - if you are willing to make that offer Adelfa on "Need parenting advice..even from non-parents" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/need-parenting-adviceeven-from-non-parents#post-1128369 Sat, 04 Jan 2014 02:42:16 +0000 Adelfa 1128369@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Just chiming in.... I agree that 10 is old enough to have a discussion. As others have indicated, at 10 there's a receptiveness that may or may not happen a few years later. I agree that it's putting too much on a 10 year old to ask her to keep a secret, but I think you could gently talk about the potential consequences of her discussing it with her friend in terms of hurting feelings, etc.  I've never watched MMA but strange men--No! I think you're doing well here, Isabel! Isabel on "Need parenting advice..even from non-parents" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/need-parenting-adviceeven-from-non-parents#post-1128313 Sat, 04 Jan 2014 01:33:57 +0000 Isabel 1128313@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Thank you so much everyone ! <div>Gaylene, your post made me realize that one of the reasons that I feel so uncomfortable is because I AM judging.  And I need to that in order to assess situations. It has to be done.   Joy...you are absolutely correct. I just have really bad gut feelings. I also don't like the fact that there are men going in and out of the house all day long to watch the fighting. I don't know any of these men and almost all are not local.  And I need to re-visit the sleepover situation...Echo, that would solve some things.  Sheila what you described is one of my biggest issues.  Just the desire to beat on  an opponent to a bleeding pulp. It is like the ancient gladiators or men who were put in rings with lions. And spectators watched and cheered.  : (  Glory, though my DD is 10, I am not sure that she wouldn't tell her friend.  Echo, unfortunately, I have not done a lot with my kids about keeping things "in the family."  My son is on the autism spectrum and has severe anxiety. Our family life has been an open book to counselors, therapists, doctors, teachers, and so on. I have always tried to have my son not be afraid to bring up an issue so that we could get help.  I need to start teaching what you have taught your children. Some things have to be kept to the family.   Jules, as you and Echo suggest, I need to talk to my daughter more. She knows that her father, grandfather and I just hate UFC fighting. But I need to take it further.  Lyn, UFC fighting will keep you business.  : (    They call it mixed martial arts, but it is really a legal beat down with no rules.  Anyone that can hold someone in a choke hold and keeping beating their opponent's face until the other person is unconscious and/or bleeding profusely is a nasty streetfight, IMO. Jenava, you are absolutely right. I am so grateful for your input. I like getting input from people who don't have children because they tend to be a bit more removed. You are correct, if they get offended, it is their problem.  As long as I am decent about it. That is all that I can do.  You have all been so helpful. I cannot thank you enough. I am going to call off sleepovers in total. I am going to talk to my daughter about UFC and how I don't want her to see that violence, but that the child and her mom are always welcome at our house and  that she go with them to  an outside event where there will be no fighting  ( like the YMCA or a museums or a game ).  And, as Jenava said, I may just tell the mom that I don't want my daughter to see all that violent programming.  I would want to know if another child's parent did not feel comfortable with them at my house. XXXXXXXXXXX </div> Jenava on "Need parenting advice..even from non-parents" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/need-parenting-adviceeven-from-non-parents#post-1128275 Sat, 04 Jan 2014 01:00:19 +0000 Jenava 1128275@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ OK, I do not have kids...Caveat there.  If I did, I wouldn't want my sons or daughters around it, either. My thought is that these parents HAVE to know that a lot of ppl would NOT approve of their choices to expose their kids to this.  If they get offended, that is their choice.  You have the right to disagree with them, and if they take issue with your disagreement, when everything else between your daughters seems fine, then that is sad and is THEIR issue.  If it were me, I'd be straight-up honest with my kids and theirs about not approving of it and that being the reason your daughter isn't allowed over.  You don't have to belittle or go on and on about it.  Just say, you don't approve of it because it's too violent for you and your family.  Period, end of discussion.  You should NOT apologize for your point of view any more than they should theirs.   I don't agree with lying or ignoring the issue, and I don't think it's fair to ask your daughter to keep your opinion a secret.  Who knows, she may not even have any occasion to bring it up on it's own.  But asking her specifically not to say anything is too much, I think, to put onto her.  I think she's at an age where she can begin to see that even though everyone doesn't agree you can and should still be civil and as respectful as possible, while still sticking to your values, and I think that's a really great lesson! Anonymous on "Need parenting advice..even from non-parents" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/need-parenting-adviceeven-from-non-parents#post-1128205 Fri, 03 Jan 2014 23:46:57 +0000 Anonymous 1128205@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Your daughter is 10. This is the time to be strong and hold fast because it will be a roller coaster for a few years. When DS1 was just that age, we had a similar problem with a friend inviting him for sleepovers. I had bad vibes about the parents, drugs and maybe dealing, and we said no, that we didn't know the family well enough. It later was revealed to be much worse..child porn. DS was thankful he had not gone. Listen to those gut feelings.