https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/moms---to-push-or-not-to-push-that-is-the-question Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Sat, 25 Apr 2026 07:09:43 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/moms---to-push-or-not-to-push-that-is-the-question/page/2#post-1446791 Tue, 24 Feb 2015 22:35:06 +0000 unfrumped 1446791@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Your situation sounds pretty normal!<br />I agree with taking&nbsp;an empathetic path that helps you know more about your son than just insisting on certain extracurricular activites. And I guess being alert to whether he seems to have friends (even if just a few close ones)&nbsp;and be happy, generally.</p> <p>For priorities, at the time our girls were growing up, I felt I was not successful in enforcing chores and citizenship in the home. DH was very conflict-avoidant and that didn't help, but I could have done more.<br />We did have our girls do their own laundry from an early age--boy, that was helpful since "picking up" could often involve tossing random clothes, even clean ones, in the hamper.<br />Also &nbsp;being engaged in regular volunteer activities should have the same weight, or more, than band or sports--something of choice, but "giving". </p> <p>I'm saying that in the sense of, maybe you can't teach all of that, but still it seemed part of, life is teamwork and doing your share, and parents are not the kids' personal servants. And probably if parents just "wait" for kids to&nbsp; help out around the house, that doesn't happen often. And also, many kids could not do the 3, 4 or 5 extracurricular things if they also were helping with daily chores. Or, the family could brainstorm about, how can we work together to make this happen ? (Maybe it would require a major Tidying first!)&nbsp;</p> <p>I actually don't think that's a bad thing for kids to see that figuring out how to do these activities and still eat healthy meals (many of my kid's parents tossed a MacDonalds meal at them on the way to gym or whatnot), keep the car running, etc and the parents also&nbsp; have some time for rejuvenating activities is a <u>family</u> concern.</p> <p>So "pushing"&nbsp; to me is quite okay for those things, with significant consequences for not doing it, if example and encouragement aren't working. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/moms---to-push-or-not-to-push-that-is-the-question/page/2#post-1443648 Tue, 17 Feb 2015 20:20:05 +0000 Niki Lea 1443648@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>TG, I'm relatively new at this parenting gig (3 year old son and 6 year old daughter) but your son sounds like a pretty cool kid. He seems&nbsp;similar to my sister and mom who are&nbsp;very&nbsp;intellectual, artsy, and homebodies. On the other hand, my dad and I are sporty, outdoorsy people who prefer to be out and about. </p> <p>I think every family member brings something different to the table and your little guy is still so young - maybe his "thing" won't come along for a few more years. For example, my sister started playing the bass in middle &nbsp;school&nbsp;and she is now a working musician. Maybe his thing will be film, or books, or cooking? Kids have so much time to grow up and find themselves.</p> <p>My daughter swims three days a week with a club, but we would never force her to. She wants to go to every practice and loves every minute of it. But her drive to swim&nbsp;is naturally there out of her love for being in the water. She's still so young that we don't force her to take part in the swim meets - when she's ready, we'll be there in the stands cheering her on.</p> <p>My little guy is still a mystery to us, except that he's a wound up ball of energy. But we asked him if there was an activity he wanted to try and he asked for skating lessons. Right now he loves it, but next year he might choose something else - or nothing -&nbsp;and that will be okay. More time to snuggle with me. :)</p> <p>Sometimes I also think our kids tell us what they want to do and we don't listen. When I was a kid, I told my mom I wanted to learn how to play drums. My mom said no though because she thought it would be too loud, so I played the flute. And hated it.&nbsp;I really, really wanted to play drums and it was a major disappointment not being given the opportunity to try them. My mom now wishes she'd never said no - I keep this story in mind when I'm parenting my own kids. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/moms---to-push-or-not-to-push-that-is-the-question/page/2#post-1443121 Mon, 16 Feb 2015 15:07:11 +0000 Helena 1443121@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Thanks all for your continuing insights and stories. So appreciated. Reading them all with great appreciation.&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/moms---to-push-or-not-to-push-that-is-the-question/page/2#post-1442940 Sun, 15 Feb 2015 23:54:23 +0000 Isabel 1442940@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>My son is 13. &nbsp;You could be describing him since he was about 3. &nbsp;Last year, we found out that he has anxiety. &nbsp;Particularly, social anxiety : &nbsp;which is why he wouldn't do organized sports or play music for sooooo long. &nbsp;He has been taking drum lessons now for almost 3 years and last year told us he wanted to start guitar too. &nbsp;He still won't do anything publicly...but he has things he loves now.</p> <p>Please remember, that he may not find it a "loss" to not "master" anything. &nbsp;He may find it more calming not to. &nbsp;He is also still quite young . &nbsp;For us, exposure and not pushing, was the key. &nbsp;&nbsp;</p> <p>Good luck.&nbsp;</p> <p> </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/moms---to-push-or-not-to-push-that-is-the-question/page/2#post-1442539 Sat, 14 Feb 2015 20:03:44 +0000 DonnaF 1442539@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>TG, is your son a bright introvert?&nbsp; Many bright boys are bored in school and find homework to be busy work and a waste of time -- which it is for kids who don't need the practice or reinforcement.&nbsp; Girls tend to be more compliant.</p> <p>I'm also wondering if sports that are more individually challenging would appeal to him more --- like martial arts or track where you try to beat your personal best.</p> <p>There is some book out there or at least there was maybe 15 years ago that matches musical instruments with kids' personal temperaments and physical body types.&nbsp; For example, one doesn't quickly become good at violin; with some instruments you can play a recognizable tune relatively quickly.&nbsp; If you are social &amp; be with a group, piano is too lonely.&nbsp; My DD loves to sing, but in a choir setting because she doesn't like the pressure of solo singing and having everyone look at her.&nbsp; Diff'rent strokes!</p> <p>Science Club, Chess Club, Debate Team -- lots of things that may appeal to your son just may not be available at the third grade level!&nbsp; It'll all work out. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/moms---to-push-or-not-to-push-that-is-the-question#post-1442467 Sat, 14 Feb 2015 16:16:44 +0000 Carla 1442467@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>DS #1 told me an interesting story after I 'pushed' him to take advantage of a snow day, and finish a report that was due. </p> <p>He had dropped his papers, and was reassembling the report when a classmate asked him what he was doing. He whinged about how his mom had 'made him' do homework on a snow day, and so his report was done.</p> <p>DS told me the other kid said, "I wish my parents cared enough about me to make me do my homework." </p> <p>There is an argument for 'pushing' when the initial charm of an activity wears off, but you need to pick your battles. I think it helps if you are involved in the activity as well, rather than a spectator. The Family Swim on Saturdays was something DH and I enjoyed and shared with the kids. This segued into lessons. FWIW, this is one sport/activity that can save your life!</p> <p>Like other folks here, DH and I tried for balance between structured or organized activities, and self directed time. I will admit homework was a constant battlefield though, and I doubt my pushing instilled any lasting behaviours. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/moms---to-push-or-not-to-push-that-is-the-question#post-1441866 Fri, 13 Feb 2015 04:24:02 +0000 TraceyLiz65 1441866@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>That describes my daughter now 23 and we've talked about that and see it was her introverted nature. My youngest is exactly the same...I agree to the necessities and then finding one activity that excites him. He never jumps trying anything but we push for at least one attempt as new opportunities arise... </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/moms---to-push-or-not-to-push-that-is-the-question#post-1441429 Thu, 12 Feb 2015 15:47:39 +0000 jackiec 1441429@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Hi TG. You've received lots of good advice so far. Just know you are not alone. My boys are just like your kids. #2 calls me from school practically every day asking if so and so can come over, or can they go somewhere, etc etc.</p> <p>Actually, I'll PM you. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/moms---to-push-or-not-to-push-that-is-the-question#post-1441328 Thu, 12 Feb 2015 12:46:57 +0000 chadya 1441328@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I would focus on school first, homework is to be done as soon as they get home .<br />Have a snack sit home and do homework then off to do TV or whatever else they want to do.&nbsp; Playdates: they did homework or most of it at the same time.</p> <p>Then 1 activity.</p> <p>Religion, I think if you force it on a kid it is a guarantee that as soon as they have a choice they are never going back, </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/moms---to-push-or-not-to-push-that-is-the-question#post-1441258 Thu, 12 Feb 2015 05:56:18 +0000 Aziraphale 1441258@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>It's such a tough balance with the scheduling of activities, though. Echo, I too feel that we overschedule our kids as a generation&nbsp;-- don't you remember having lots of time for free play outside with the neighbourhood kids? I do. My kids literally never get that! No one lets their kids out alone! Instead, they are all in sports, music lessons, scouts etc every day&nbsp;after school. It's exhausting.&nbsp;</p> <p>The problem is, though, that you <i>do</i> want them in an activity or two, because a bit of structure isn't a bad thing. I'm pretty sure, for example,&nbsp;that if I let my 7-year-old son make up his own schedule, he would play&nbsp;Minecraft eleven hours a day, and yap away about Minecraft to anyone who will listen for the remaining two waking hours.&nbsp;</p> <p>The trick is deciding, for some kids, how much is too much; and for others, how much is <i>enough</i>. ;-)</p> <p>Columbine: Lol, good point! :-)</p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/moms---to-push-or-not-to-push-that-is-the-question#post-1441251 Thu, 12 Feb 2015 04:33:36 +0000 Echo 1441251@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>He sounds like a normal 3rd grade boy, IMO. I have two boys and a girl, and they are WORLDS apart in terms of how they prioritize school and their extra-curriculars. My boys were very similar to yours in that they seemed unmotivated and even... well, a little bit lazy.&nbsp;</p> <p>School work was priority one, of course, though it is still a battle. They just don't see it as that big a deal. But completing things, putting in effort, turning things in on time - all those things are non-negotiable. My boys were never athletic and still aren't. I allowed them to be themselves and not be involved in much extra-curricular activity through middle school. I told/tell them that once they entered high school, they had to be involved in at least one activity outside of school hours - sports, band, science club, a foreign language club, forensics, etc.</p> <p>My older son found a teacher who played Magic the Gathering (a card game), and convinced him to start an after school group for it (DS was in 8th grade at the time). It started with just a few boys, and now there are so many kids that they had to move it to a larger room and the teacher was allowed to make it an official club at the high school. On top of that, he is involved in forensics, Spanish Club and Science Club - and he's only a frehsman. Basically, there just weren't things that interested him in elementary and middle school because the options were so limited and he wasn't interested in sports. High school opened up a whole other world of activities.&nbsp;</p> <p>So while one extra activity might be okay to "force" him to do, I wouldn't push too much. Some kids are dreamers and need their down time just as much as they need food and oxygen. He will discover things that matter to him, and once he does, he will move mountains to be able to be involved. But he has plenty of time to find them and to find the motivation within himself. I tend to think we overschedule young children, and I'm not sure it does them any favours.</p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/moms---to-push-or-not-to-push-that-is-the-question#post-1441222 Thu, 12 Feb 2015 02:57:19 +0000 Helena 1441222@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Me too Columbine ... our church is very kid-friendly, but still&nbsp;lots of coloring happens </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/moms---to-push-or-not-to-push-that-is-the-question#post-1441213 Thu, 12 Feb 2015 02:39:02 +0000 columbine(erin) 1441213@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>To clarify, Aziraphale, my kids are used to church, and as long their hands are busy, drawing or whatever, we get through the service just fine. It's being excluded from communion that frustrates them and makes them not want to participate at all, on occasion. My dad reminded me that if they start to hate church, I've missed the whole point, really, so I do my best to keep it a positive experience. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/moms---to-push-or-not-to-push-that-is-the-question#post-1441166 Thu, 12 Feb 2015 01:03:05 +0000 Adelfa 1441166@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Another thought. When my girls were young, I usually let them have one activity, or at the most two. I didn't even want to think about the effect on our family life, or on their emotional health and energy levels, if we did more than that. At the same time DD2 had a friend her age&nbsp;who was in 6-7 activities.</p> <p>Guess what--that girl went to Harvard, and my girls didn't. But as I'm sure you already realize, THAT'S OKAY. My girls managed to get wonderful educations anyway. It might sound silly to mention Harvard, but I actually knew parents who were trying their best to get kids into Harvard (even in the backwater agricultural little town that we lived in). We can, consciously or unconsciously, have these strange, exaggerated, mythical ideas of what we eventually want for our kids. Which can take us away from the goals of physical and emotional health, good character, and a solid fundamental education.</p> <p>I think you're right--he's going to be just fine.</p> <p> </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/moms---to-push-or-not-to-push-that-is-the-question#post-1441146 Wed, 11 Feb 2015 23:56:44 +0000 Helena 1441146@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Thanks so much everyone! I've just had a chance to re-read the earlier comments, and read the new ones, and the first thing I want to say is, what a blessing to have such a great group of women to bounce these kinds of things off of. </p> <p>I feel like a lot of this wisdom is affirming what I want to be confident about but have not been, which is that he is more than likely JUST FINE and will benefit more from our confidence and faith then our pushing. I love the approach of really clarifying, with him and ourselves, the non-negotiables (which is basically school and showing good character), and then letting the rest go - not giving up per se, but lightening up, offering, chatting about the why and why nots, but ultimately trusting him to work it out.</p> <p>I really appreciate everyone sharing the stories of their kids who are similar, or their own experiences! It makes me feel so much better, as it can feel like everyone else's kid is in 10 activities at the competitive level (of course, every if that was actually true, which it isn't at all, it shouldn't influence how I raise my son!)</p> <p>On the church thing, which turned out to be an interesting sideline in this discussion, I actually agree with everyone - to Aziraphale's points, our particular church is very affirming of a wide range of beliefs, such that everything is up for question, so I actually think it's a great place for a skeptical thinker such as himself, as they will not try and talk him out of it, but rather respect it as a perfectly valid path. On the other hand, the emphasis is really on the type of people we are and we want them to have that extra level of exposure (not that one needs to go to church to learn this, but it supports us in what we want to teach);&nbsp;the public school system where we are has an INCREDIBLE "character curriculum" which helps too. At the end of the day though,&nbsp;he does need to come with us as a matter of practicality, but again, we can probably respect his right to not want to go, without bowing to it.</p> <p>In any case, I am taking a deep breath - I need to lay off and let him be. We went skating after school today, after years that he wouldn't go, one day he decided he could skate, and by Lord he did and is now great at it. He may never be in a formal program, but he can get out of the pond to play hockey with his friends, have fun and stay fit and have some team play, which is the point anyways.</p> <p>Ah ... I've written another novel. Can't thank you ladies enough ... you are wonderful! xoxoxo to you all!!!!</p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/moms---to-push-or-not-to-push-that-is-the-question#post-1441139 Wed, 11 Feb 2015 23:37:36 +0000 Deborah 1441139@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Sounds like my son a few years back :)&nbsp;</p> <p><b>Extracurricular Activities</b>, my son wasn't interested in any, and what we did try didn't last.&nbsp; Until last year, after talking about karate for months and months we booked in him and he is doing so well.&nbsp; Loving it, enjoying the other kids, got his first&nbsp;belt and totally excited and movitated.</p> <p>I know some families who have extracurricular activities almost every night after school.&nbsp; I don't think that is necessary at all.&nbsp; If my boy&nbsp;wants to take on a second activity outside of school (we do go through phases of going Roller Skating on Saturday mornings) we are on board but that's it.</p> <p><b>Home Work</b>, my son at 12 sounds the same.&nbsp; Speeds through it at 100 miles an hour, does not always give it the attention it requires. But we are working on that.&nbsp; I have taken it upon myself to become more involved with the homework, particularly if he is working on a project type of thing.&nbsp; We will discuss it, I get him to tell me how he is going to do it, etc etc.&nbsp; And I keep heaping praise and encouragement on him throughout.</p> <p><b>Church</b>, he loves going to church and has just transitioned in the junior youth group.&nbsp; Our programs are very good and activity and relationship focussed. - My son is very social.</p> <p>Aziraphale said pick you battles, and I agree 100%.&nbsp; I believe it absolutely crucial to raise children of good and strong character.&nbsp; Kids who can make good choices and can think for themselves.&nbsp; It sounds like your little man is on that track.&nbsp; Personality has to be taken into account also.&nbsp; Some kids are super outgoing and into everything, some are not.</p> <p>I would encourage you to not worry, keep encouraging and suggesting things, and watch his little personality grow and develop.</p> <p></p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/moms---to-push-or-not-to-push-that-is-the-question#post-1441106 Wed, 11 Feb 2015 22:13:58 +0000 carter 1441106@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>In your mind, what's required to be a contributing member of the family? These are the items your son needs to understand are non-negotiable. My kids knew that I expected the following of them:<br /> --School work is top priority<br /> --If something needs doing around the house, do it (take the trash out when it's full, put your dishes in the dishwasher, if the dog's sitting at the back door with her legs crossed, take her out, etc)<br /> --life is full of command performances, so get over yourself (grandparent's visits, grown up events, other child's activities, etc)</p> <p>I viewed activities as a privilege, after the non-negotiable items were done. Each child could do one activity at any given time, assuming grades were good, all other family requirements were being met. My son eagerly chose many activities (Scouts, karate, soccer, wrestling, football) through 9th grade. He did each for a couple years, then he was done. as an 11th grader, he's choosing to concentrate heavily on academics, and his GPA reflects that. My daughter, on the other hand wanted NO organized activities until 6th grade when she suddenly blossomed into the volleyball queen and school ambassador. She played varsity volleyball and was team captain all through high school.</p> <p>Kids are different. Heck, my brother and I are polar opposites. Same with my husband and one of his sisters. Different is normal. Just decide what the baseline is for your family, let the kids know what's expected of them and the rest will work itself out. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/moms---to-push-or-not-to-push-that-is-the-question#post-1441105 Wed, 11 Feb 2015 21:51:40 +0000 Summer 1441105@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>TG, from what you have told us I think your son sounds a lovely young man. You say he is polite, kind-hearted and popular at school. &nbsp;He also enjoys sport, but recreationaly rather than competitively. &nbsp;I wouldn't have a problem with that. &nbsp;He is still&nbsp;gaining confidence and keeping himself fit and active. &nbsp;He also enjoys drawing and reading, so he seems to have hobbies to keep him occupied. &nbsp;I honestly wouldn't worry too much, but just encourage his own particular interests and talents and let him find his own level of competency in them.</p> <p>As for his school work, obviously you want him to apply himself, which may be easier said than done. &nbsp;Maybe you can just set&nbsp;firm guidelines regarding the amount of time he should spend on homework, then encourage and praise him when he does knuckle down to it.</p> <p>No two children are the same, and motivation has to come from within. &nbsp;I'm sure that when your son finds something that really engages him he will find that motivation.&nbsp;</p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/moms---to-push-or-not-to-push-that-is-the-question#post-1441103 Wed, 11 Feb 2015 21:44:47 +0000 Caro in Oz 1441103@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I agree with Gaylene. Does your son give any reasons for not wanting to do things? &nbsp;IMO the biggest gift we can give our children is to think for themselves - sounds like your son is on that path :)</p> <p>I like the story of the boy who was "trained" to do everything his parents told him to do. In his middle teens he got into drugs. His parents couldn't understand it &amp; took him to a psychologist. They said "He used to be such a good boy, he always did everything he was told to do." The (wise) psychologist said "He is still doing everything he is told to do - but by his friends not by you."</p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/moms---to-push-or-not-to-push-that-is-the-question#post-1441092 Wed, 11 Feb 2015 21:10:03 +0000 rachylou 1441092@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I think *push but don't break*, be mindful of the possible why's behind lack of motivation, consider the manner in which you push.</p> <p>My dd had a bit of a problem with fine-motor eye movements. Reading was really difficult for her. She'd refuse to practice, do her homework. And one day she has one of her tantrums and says, "I can't be as good as you at it, why bother?"</p> <p>So that was very interesting. First, we had to clear up the fact that very very few people are going to be as good as me, haha (*I'm a professional*), certainly not a little kid. That was not the goal. Second, you betcha there is no choice in this matter. So every night, we had to do some reading from a story. We took turns reading out loud, because... let's face it, children do as you do, not as you say.</p> <p>Anyways, one day we pick a ridiculously difficult book - Malory's Morte D'Arthur, without the benefit of modern additions like commas and regularised spelling. Well, her musical brain was particularly well-suited to parsing that unpunctuated, repetitive whatnot and that was <i>rewarding</i>. She up and finished off all one thousand pages on her own.</p> <p>Right, and to end... you know, this is all applicable to dogs too... but sadly there is no way for me to even feign interest in those fenced, stamp-sized dog parks and now neither does my dog... </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/moms---to-push-or-not-to-push-that-is-the-question#post-1441068 Wed, 11 Feb 2015 20:16:27 +0000 Anonymous 1441068@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Your son sounds like my DD. She will be 21 in a very short time. DD liked to swim so we joined a swim club. She was always in the water but did not want to be on the swim team. She took tap and ballet for fun- no recitals. She also took piano lessons for 8 years and it was always a battle to get her to practice. She was good and loved going to her piano teacher but I had to make her practice. When I finally saw that she truly was not improving I stopped paying for lessons (too expensive). She played violin in grade school and was very good and then dropped it before middle school for unknown reasons. I had to check to make sure she did her homework every night and that she had ample time to complete projects, etc.</p> <p>So what did I finally learn from all of this, and mind you it took me until she finished her freshman year in college to realize this - that she is just fine. DD is smart. She was tested for the gifted program in kindergarten and really wanted to be part of the program. She was accepted into the program and though she liked what they did in Humanities, she hated social studies - this is where they place the kids who are accepted into the gifted program in our school district. She was always on the honor roll and finished in the top 20% of her high school class. She scored a 2160 on her SAT's and only took them once and never took a prep course. She entered college with 18 credits and will be graduating later this year with a degree in math and physics.</p> <p>She told me once that she has to figure things out on her own and while she was scared to try new things, she gave it lots of thought and observation first. In her own words, she is not a risk taker and does not want to make bad decisions. She thinks things through and makes the best possible decisions she can. She hangs out with kids who are serious about their studies and their future. She realizes the value of a good education and is grateful that we did not force her to do things she either wasn't ready or did not what to do. I am very proud of her. Now I completely understand. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/moms---to-push-or-not-to-push-that-is-the-question#post-1441047 Wed, 11 Feb 2015 19:16:48 +0000 Aziraphale 1441047@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Columbine, correct me if I'm wrong, but ALL three- to five-year-olds have trouble sitting still in church! (My grandma used to bribe me with books). If you do a good job teaching your kids your Christian values, they may eventually come to appreciate what religion has to offer. It's also possible that they won't want to attend church as adults, but that won't make them worse as people. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/moms---to-push-or-not-to-push-that-is-the-question#post-1441040 Wed, 11 Feb 2015 18:57:55 +0000 Helena 1441040@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Everyone ... I am SO GRATEFUL for all your input ... running between activities at the moment ... but going to re-read everything later on and respond ... in short though, you are such a wise and wonderful bunch! xoxo </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/moms---to-push-or-not-to-push-that-is-the-question#post-1441038 Wed, 11 Feb 2015 18:52:06 +0000 columbine(erin) 1441038@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I like what Astrid said about looking for the reasons for listlessness. My observation may not apply in your case at all, but I do see a lot of kids who aren't taking Communion yet, start to resent church, I think partly because they feel excluded. Which makes me sad. Jesus does want the children to come to Him. Maybe your child has taken classes or whatever and is allowed to have Communion, but I was just thinking about this. My kids are 3 and 5 and struggle with this. They aren't quite old enough to make a credible profession to the elders unfortunately. I've made them a pictorial schedule of what happens at church and they do like to follow along, and they do like to sing certain hymns that we practice at home. I let them do quiet activities during the service that we don't do at any other time, as well. I don't know if you could give your son a certain activity or treat that you only have on Sundays perhaps.&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/moms---to-push-or-not-to-push-that-is-the-question#post-1441029 Wed, 11 Feb 2015 18:29:32 +0000 Astrid 1441029@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I'm similar to your son, same as my brothers - I have a hard time to find motivation to get up and do something. But when I decide to do it and I love something I can put considerable effort into it. My sister is different: she plays two instruments, does sports, takes part in extracurricular science and language classes in school...</p> <p>When I was in second grade I started playing the clarinet (after two years of much hated violin lessons before that) and I had a hard time to stay motivated and practice. When I was 13 or 14 I had no motivation left at all and my parents told me I had to practice or they wouldn't pay for the lessons. I didn't want to stop playing but I couldn't motivate myself to practice. It was a huge stressor and both me and my parents were a bit traumatised by the arguments, in hindsight. Then they made the decision for me and I had to quit and they sold my clarinet. I still think that if they would have just waited a bit, I probably would have played more again. It was just that age. Some time ago I decided to take lessons again, as an adult, paid by my own money. I had to start from scratch and I still can't motivate myself often enough to practice as I should, but it's my money and no one can force me to quit. And I bought a new clarinet too, so I have my own instrument now. I will never be like my sister who practices both the violin and piano regularly, just like that, but that's alright. :)</p> <p>My youngest brother who is 11 just quit piano and has started to learn trumpet. Not sure if the motivation for that will last longer, but he seems to enjoy it for now. Oh and he only continued to play soccer because my parents urged him to keep going, but now he likes it again. But there were specific reasons he wanted to quit and he hadn't told my parents at first. But now he's in a different club and it's fine. I guess you should always take care to look closely at the reasons for listlessness...</p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/moms---to-push-or-not-to-push-that-is-the-question#post-1441004 Wed, 11 Feb 2015 17:49:21 +0000 Eliza 1441004@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>TG- you've got this.  In one way or other, this seems to be a universal parenthood dilemma.  Just a few thoughts from the other side:</p> <p>Is your son outgoing? In need of down time to putter around in his room, daydream and read?  To what degree is his disinterest in structured activities reflective of his general temperament and way of being in the world, vs. perhaps stemming from something else- a negative social experience, lack of confidence in what he brings to an activity or just being unsure how to start?  <br /> From how you describe him, he may be both capable and yet prefer to literally swim in smaller ponds right now and opt out of certain "larger scale" situations. As long as there is no sense of anything simmering for him, I'd have no issue with non-essentials falling by the wayside for now.   As the parent of two adults of entirely different temperaments, time taught me that some of what my kids opted out of reflected their understanding of themselves. </p> <p>With your son, I would be focused on understanding his preferences, what he  likes/doesn't like about a particular thing and using these discussions as an opportunity to put tools in his toolbox.  This will give you the info you need to help him navigate the requirements and options in his life, and him the ability to self assess and craft effective ways to manage the unappealing.  He may look at situations only as "yes" or "no", yet there could be ways to make a no a yes if he could communicate what would make it work for him.  These adjustments are often simple and nothing I ever would have thought of as a mom. </p> <p>Parenthood is challenging these days, as structured activities are everywhere from such an early age and every possibility seems so "professionalized".  I found it helpful to opt out of the pressures by focussing on knowing my kids and sorting out what worked for the family.  Wasn't always easy...</p> <p>All the best.  I think you are on to something as you note the differences between your two kids.  I always felt that whatever I learned from one, didn't apply directly to the other and that it was nature's way of keeping parents humble.   </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/moms---to-push-or-not-to-push-that-is-the-question#post-1440994 Wed, 11 Feb 2015 17:28:19 +0000 Aziraphale 1440994@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I've been thinking about this for the past couple of hours, because it's an important topic. How much, as parents, can we shape our children? How much <i>should</i> we?&nbsp;</p> <p>I signed my daughter up for soccer <i>because part of me wished that I had played soccer as a child</i>. It's not that it wasn't a choice.&nbsp;My parents offered it to me, but I was new to the city and the sport, and I was too intimidated. I had never played soccer, and I would have been joining&nbsp;a bunch of girls who already knew each other and had been playing for a few years, so I said no. To their credit, my parents didn't force me.&nbsp;</p> <p>(Actually, that answers one of your questions: no, I do not resent my parents for not pushing me harder. I am not a soccer player, and it's true that I wish I was,&nbsp;but I think too much pushing would have backfired. I was pretty strong-willed).</p> <p>I also thought soccer would be 'good' for my girl. Lots of other little girls played. It's healthy exercise and good clean fun. It's a good social opportunity and&nbsp;&nbsp;helps build a sense of 'being a team player' -- something that's useful for life in general.&nbsp;I have adult friends who are still on soccer teams. It seemed like the perfect thing. But, after watching my daughter play for two years -- half-heartedly and, frankly, badly! -- I realized a couple of things (besides the obvious one, i.e. that my daughter doesn't care about soccer). For one, my daughter isn't as social as I expected her to be. She gets along fine with others, but she's not the team type. She doesn't want or need many people in her life. I am embarrassed to admit that this was difficult to accept.&nbsp;Two, as healthy as soccer is, it isn't the only worthwhile pastime a person can have. My daughter is, like your son, a strong-willed,&nbsp;independent thinker. &nbsp;She's much more interested in&nbsp;individual sports and activities where she's competing against herself. Just because she's not as extraverted as I expected her to be doesn't make her 'weird'.&nbsp;</p> <p>I think I may have got off topic a little here, but I just wanted you to know that I've had the same urges to mould my children's lives as you have.&nbsp;What parent doesn't want the best for their kid? The trick is figuring out <i>what really is best for your kid</i>, as well as when to get involved vs. when to step back. And I am still struggling to learn the answers to those questions. xo</p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/moms---to-push-or-not-to-push-that-is-the-question#post-1440976 Wed, 11 Feb 2015 16:43:14 +0000 Elle 1440976@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I agree with Adelpha.&nbsp; Only use parental pressure for things that are very important to you.&nbsp; He sounds like a normal kid.&nbsp; Where is it written that kids have to do sports or have organized activities?</p> <p>For me, school,&nbsp; going to religious services at holidays, and learning to swim were non negotiable.&nbsp; I had to use rewards to get my son to a certain level of swimming mastery and he knew that once he got there, he could quit.&nbsp; My daughter on the other hand, loved swmming and ended up on her high school swim team..&nbsp; My advice (for what it's worth) is to follow your kid's temperment rather than trying to change it. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/moms---to-push-or-not-to-push-that-is-the-question#post-1440948 Wed, 11 Feb 2015 15:53:00 +0000 Gaylene 1440948@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>As you say, I think you've answered your own question just by writing out your thoughts. </p> <p>After spending decades teaching kids of all ages, I can honestly say that it's rare to hear KIDS complain that their parents ought to push them harder, and, in my experience, adults who use that comment are usually trying to look for an excuse or rationalization.</p> <p>I personally think parents ought to take their lead from their child. Forcing, even gently, someone to do what you want may have unintended consequences--you might win the battle, but you are very likely to lose the war. It sounds like you are providing your son with lots of opportunities to get involved with all kinds of activities, but I'd let him decide how far he wants to go. With my own kids, I found motivation actually increased once I backed away from "helping". It's not easy to sit on the sidelines and be still but it's often extremely effective to let kids figure things out for themselves. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/moms---to-push-or-not-to-push-that-is-the-question#post-1440944 Wed, 11 Feb 2015 15:49:35 +0000 celia 1440944@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Just adding because Aziraphale made a good point. <br />When I talk about taking to church I mean giving him some religious organized education(catechism or whatever other form it takes on your religion).<br />Not necessarily go to church to sit with the grownups.<br />Neither my husband or I expect DD to follow our religion just because we tell her to. It's her own choice when the time comes. We just want to give the opportunity to learn about it. </p>