https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/mean-or-just-well-meant Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Sat, 13 Jun 2026 10:19:37 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/mean-or-just-well-meant#post-628289 Fri, 25 May 2012 03:35:17 +0000 velvetychocolate 628289@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Never mind your aunt's comments - it sounds like she's being kind of mean, if you ask me.</p> <p>You know what? I don't think you should put up with this kind of thing. If anything, I'd be working on distancing myself a wee bit from someone who made comments like this. </p> <p>Another thing? Some people have a way of criticizing or zero-ing on the one part of our lives that are going *well*. </p> <p>I know that sounds absurd, but I've experienced it myself. Someone picks at the very thing that's going beautifully. </p> <p>Sometimes it's just a matter of that person not being able to accept or deal well with major changes in a loved one's life/lifestyle, and so there's a bit of an effort to get you to "change back" to the way you were before. It might be that the changes you've made in your life are making others feel a bit uncomfortable (they may even find it a bit threatening), and hence the weird comments. </p> <p>This doesn't make it ok (at all), but I wanted to point out that sometimes people get a little strange when you make radical changes. Sometimes, in some small way - people who are close to you can sometimes feel like they are being rejected when you reject your old way of life and do something new and different. They can even feel a bit left behind. </p> <p>Not sure if this makes sense, but when I first embarked on a weight loss plan, after a few months in and it was clear that I *was* sticking to it, and it was working - some strange things happened. It seemed like people were purposely trying to get me to cheat on my diet.</p> <p>It wasn't that they were trying to sabotage me, but rather - it was a case of "Oh, so you don't want to hang out and get a burger and fries with me anymore?" and so on. When you make a significant change, the people closest to you can actually feel like they are being rejected and even abandoned.</p> <p>It's as if by saying you want to improve your health, size, shape, fitness or what have you - that this is a kind of rejection of your old way of life - and further - sometimes the people who are and were part of that old life feel like you're saying they're not ok either. </p> <p>Of course, this isn't true at all - you're only trying to improve things for yourself - but in my experience, when you make big changes like this, the people around you can sometimes react a bit weirdly. </p> <p>This isn't to say that your aunt's comments are ok at all though. Not entirely sure how you can nix this, but it's got to stop! Either she stops with the comments or you stop spending time with her until such time as she learns to get with the program. </p> <p>You have long since moved on, and whether you gain or lose weight doesn't matter. You simply can't be put back in your 'place' ever again. </p> <p>I think this is a good thing! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/mean-or-just-well-meant#post-628230 Fri, 25 May 2012 01:54:56 +0000 Jenava 628230@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Oh, I hope you can get the picture thing figured out this weekend...would LOVE to see your new look!! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/mean-or-just-well-meant#post-627966 Thu, 24 May 2012 21:15:48 +0000 biscuitsmom 627966@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Wow! Just want to thank each of you who took time to reply...I REALLY appreciate everyone's opinions and kindness...means the world to me, truly. . Big hugs and sincere 'thank you'!!! So many sweet thoughts...really wish my printer was working, but I'll refer back to this time and time again, I assure you. My 'cow' remark was just made in passing (not a stand alone statement or status update)and I didnt expect any type of answer to it.I *WILL* try and not think of myself that way SO incredibly kind of everyone :)to say that...My Aunt has 'put me down' since 8 yrs ago, when I regained much (not all) of the weight I lost about 13 yrs ago.. I was a 20/22 then went to about 12/14, for a while- that was the only time I 'looked decent' in her eyes, but I was a straight 18 for a few yrs, now mostly a 16/18, with a few 14w! When I go to her house and sit down, she says 'well, I think that chair will work for you!' and they are regular chairs, not fragile ones! Arrggh. I will NEVER offer her clothes again, even if she asks for it. I guess Im the one who I want to see a difference to, although it would be wonderful to hear it from DH and others that I see. Its like I spent the money on new clothes, bras, haircut, and THIS is the result?!? OY! I DID treat myself to 2 (needed!) new bras I would really like to start posting pics (per Angie's suggestion) but I dont know a freakin' thing about 'uploading' pics and DH is the WORST teacher in this country, I swear Although, with this long weekend coming up, he may have time to 'indulge' me.... he supports the 'idea' of my being on such a great forum, but not the reality it takes time and effort to be a real part of it...... which Im grateful to be! Thanks again, everybody </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/mean-or-just-well-meant#post-626700 Wed, 23 May 2012 11:10:16 +0000 transition 626700@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I think Chrizzle got it--your Aunt noticed how much better you are looking and was surprised that you are still the same size. She was just caught off guard and had no tact when answering,</p> <p>I also think the facebook comments were intended to be helpful.</p> <p>But most importantly, as someone who has been a 16/18 and who has really struggled with negative thinking, you need to learn to control your self-talk. You wouldn't say that to your best friend; so don't say it or think it about yourself! I have a great friend who would make me say 10 positive things about myself every time I said something negative, and that really helped me change the way I think.</p> <p>Finally, I agree with posting pictures! (I haven't done it yet because I just reached active member status this week). Everyone here seems so supportive and helpful, and they will let you know when your efforts are paying off.</p> <p>Big hugs to you, biscuitsmom! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/mean-or-just-well-meant#post-626674 Wed, 23 May 2012 07:37:53 +0000 Aunty 626674@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I have nothing to add to what has already been said, but I just wanted to say that you are a fabulous person!<br /> I have never heard you say a bad thing about anyone, you always have such a poitive atitude. So next time she asks to go through your clothes just tell her they have already been donated.</p> <p>BIG hug (( )) x </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/mean-or-just-well-meant#post-626670 Wed, 23 May 2012 06:37:01 +0000 catgirl 626670@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>BM, everyone else has shared so many good thoughts and wisdom, I have little to add there other than to send a huge hug to you.</p> <p>I did want to ask about one statement you made, that "Ive been working REALLY hard to try and improve my style and its like all my efforts dont matter at all". Why not? And matter to whom? Are you not seeing or feeling a difference yourself, or are you discouraged that friends have not commented or noticed? What was the response you would have liked to have regarding your FB comment, and what would you have said to a friend if she'd posted it?</p> <p>You seem like someone who always gives so much to everyone around you, and to be hard on yourself on top of that is only going to make you feel bad and other people feel guilty or confused or preachy.</p> <p>Please be kind to yourself. I agree with Angie that posting here will give you the kind of feedback you need and show you that the effort does matter, if that's what you want to achieve. xoxo </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/mean-or-just-well-meant#post-626641 Wed, 23 May 2012 05:05:26 +0000 MsMary 626641@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Oh, Biscuitsmom!! I'm sorry your feelings were hurt! And please, please, don't call your sweet self names!! As others have said, please be as gentle and patient and loving with yourself as you are with everyone else!! XXX OOO </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/mean-or-just-well-meant#post-626631 Wed, 23 May 2012 04:28:15 +0000 Beth Ann 626631@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I agree with Angie. Posting pics is hard at first -- I look slimmer in my mirror than I feel I appear in photos, but the feedback, from the photos and the YLF forum, has helped me feel more confident and attractive. It's definitely worth the effort!</p> <p>So sorry you've felt discouraged! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/mean-or-just-well-meant#post-626621 Wed, 23 May 2012 04:11:29 +0000 Jenava 626621@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>You really must not say these things to yourself, even in your head. You simply must not allow it. Frankly, I am less concerned to hear the small comment your aunt made and more upset by the way you seem to talk about yourself. Your size is really not that bad...could be better, but could be MUCH worse. Please be kind and gentle with yourself. No one deserves those kinds of comments, especially from ones self! Self-loathing never got anyone anywhere pleasant. It is what it is for the time being and when you are ready you will deal with the issue. Being mean to yourself will not only NOT help, but it WILL make the issue worse!</p> <p>OK, enough lecture. Now, I'm sending you a big hug, so please give yourself one from me! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/mean-or-just-well-meant#post-626598 Wed, 23 May 2012 03:38:27 +0000 velvetychocolate 626598@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I think the facebook comments were well-intentioned, if awkwardly phrased. I think your aunt's comment was likely just thoughtless. It's true that your aunt's comment was a little mean, but I'm hoping it was just a thoughtless/careless remark on her part. In future - do not volunteer up the chance for her to 'pre-select' before donating more clothing. </p> <p>In the meantime, I also wanted to suggest that you don't make comments like that about yourself in the future. Trust me, I know how it feels to feel kind of awful about one's body size or shape, but it's much better to confide in a good friend, and say, "I'm really feeling kind of bad lately about my weight" or what have you. </p> <p>I can only guess that saying something like "fat cow" means that you're feeling frustrated and/or angry about the situation, so in this respect, I can understand making this kind of comment. I've come close to that myself many times, but I can promise you that making yourself feel bad because things aren't going so well, or are taking way longer than you have the patience for (I know all about this one) isn't going to help you feel better or move yourself forward. It's very useful to be able to talk about it and say that you're feeling bad, but I strongly (strongly!) suggest you don't call yourself names like that ever again. It's ok to be frustrated, it's ok to be mad, it's ok to feel like you're losing patience with the situation, but it is absolutely not ok to be mean to yourself. </p> <p>Vent your frustration with the process, or the situation - but don't turn it all inward, and call yourself names. It is a *lot* harder to lose weight than people realize, and futhermore, people who have lost weight have to eat way less and work far harder to merely maintain that weight loss than people who have never had to lose a substantial amount of weight in the first place. That's worth venting frustration about - but ... please do *not* blame yourself. </p> <p>Blame the situation and go right on ahead and vent all kinds of frustration with the process. </p> <p>If someone is mean to you (unintentionally and perhaps thoughtlessly), find a way to graciously (at least outwardly) side-step that person in the future. If you can't help but be around these people, be sure to be extra, extra good to yourself. Think, "Yeah, yeah, yeah...whatever..." and remind yourself that you are *fab* no matter what size, shape or situation you find yourself in. </p> <p>In the meantime, I know it sounds totally silly - but I recommend going out first thing tomorrow and getting yourself a new lipstick, a pair of earrings or a pretty new bracelet. Even buying the slightly fancier tomatoes at the grocery store - whatever it takes. If it's key limes or the 'good' lip balm, doesn't matter. Just be sure to do something a little bit nice for yourself, and remember, "Yeah, yeah, yeah...whatever..."</p> <p>Hang in there, and never mind them. </p> <p>Treat yourself, in some way. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/mean-or-just-well-meant#post-626447 Wed, 23 May 2012 01:39:15 +0000 christieanne 626447@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I think Anna and Chrizzle sum up my perspective as well. </p> <p>Your fb friends likely were trying to cheer you up even if their comments didn't feel that way based on how you were feeling. It's hard on facebook to make your emotions felt in a non-awkward way. I would not blame them for at least trying to reach back to you. </p> <p>As far as your aunt is concerned, I would not offer any more things to her. When you feel stronger, let her know your feelings were hurt if you want to. Or, just tell her that you could use some support in your efforts. </p> <p>Some days or weeks even, I feel like I have hit a plateau in my fitness and making healthier choices/weight loss and I find it better not to dwell on this. You have had a lot going on so maybe all the stress is adding to your frustration? Vibes for an easier time in near future </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/mean-or-just-well-meant#post-626441 Wed, 23 May 2012 01:34:41 +0000 Isabel 626441@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>First, keep your aunt away from me.....I went from a size 2/4 to a 12 in 3-4 months !!!! LOL !</p> <p>To your question, I don't know, BM. Some people lack filters, others let things slip without really considering how it might come across, others are just more prone to look at the downside. I also think that some people can't express themselves or deal with their feeling so they come across "pissy" or "grumpy". IT IS NOT A REFLECTION ON YOU ! so try to re-group and put it out of your head. </p> <p>You are a wonderful kind giving human being. The fact that you have held it together and lost weight during a really difficult time both physically and emotionally, is humbling to me. You are a role model. </p> <p>I salute you...and your dress size. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/mean-or-just-well-meant#post-626435 Wed, 23 May 2012 01:32:06 +0000 bj1111 626435@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>babe, send your cast offs to dress for success. help those who could really use it.</p> <p>also re facebook. when you refer to your appearance negatively, the instinct is to say something bout how you are beautiful on the inside to reassure you. we may not have the ability to parse your meaning to also acknowledge the effort you have been making to dress said body. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/mean-or-just-well-meant#post-626434 Wed, 23 May 2012 01:30:52 +0000 Traci 626434@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I find it extremely difficult to respond when someone speaks negatively about themselves. I wonder what you would have liked them to say to your remark? </p> <p>For the comment on the clothing I think it was just poor communication on her part. If the clothes are the same size as always then she may have been referring to the cut or style of the clothes.</p> <p>If I may, it sounds like you're being very hard on yourself and projecting those feelings onto some others around you. Treat yourself like an old friend. Don't call her an old cow. She has too many beautiful qualities to be talked about in that harsh way. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/mean-or-just-well-meant#post-626428 Wed, 23 May 2012 01:27:35 +0000 Jaime 626428@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I do think the reaction to your fat, cow comment likely did not reflect their feelings on how you look but an immediate response to how you were labeling yourself. Please don't do that! Really, sometimes saying it makes you believe it and that can work both ways. If you said I am feeling good about myself lately, you would probably get a lot of comments about how others have noticed too. As for your aunt, her comment was insensitive at best and a poor reflection on her not you. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/mean-or-just-well-meant#post-626375 Wed, 23 May 2012 00:49:23 +0000 Tanya 626375@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Even more hugs from me. People are so clueless these days, I do not think they realize they might be hurting other people's feelings. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/mean-or-just-well-meant#post-626361 Wed, 23 May 2012 00:33:40 +0000 Angie 626361@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>More hugs from me. </p> <p>Why don't you start posting pics! Then we can guide you in the most meaningful and supportive way. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/mean-or-just-well-meant#post-626331 Tue, 22 May 2012 23:56:53 +0000 Sona 626331@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Sending you some tight hugs.I want to gently remind you that style is not a size and we are here to guide you through any style rut. You look fab and never forget it. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/mean-or-just-well-meant#post-626323 Tue, 22 May 2012 23:52:50 +0000 Marie 626323@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I'm sorry about all this. I once said something negative about myself because I was feeling bad, not because it was true; just like you calling yourself "a fat old cow" &amp; the person mentioned "self-fulfilling prophecy" &amp; she was right. Your FB friends were being kind; your Aunt was not but it sounds like you have a good relationship with her, so maybe let this one slide...but no more clothes sharing with her! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/mean-or-just-well-meant#post-626293 Tue, 22 May 2012 23:10:55 +0000 Suz 626293@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I have no words of wisdom about your friends' intentions, only empathy. Hope you feel better soon, and know that style has no size or ideal shape. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/mean-or-just-well-meant#post-626286 Tue, 22 May 2012 22:53:17 +0000 Anonymous 626286@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I have a hard time with the statement "it's whats on the inside that counts"- That is only partially true. Everyone says that and yet people always, always, always are judged by what is on the outside. Also - it is proven that making an effort on the outside can make a person feel better on the inside. It is also true that what we do on the inside (what we think, say) will often come to fruition on the outside. I also feel that your expressing being "a fat old cow" IS what's on the inside and it would cause me great pain to know a friend was suffering enough to feel that way. I would rather see an attitude change then 100 pounds lost.</p> <p>Still- I imagine your friends on facebook were just trying to incourage you that they care about you no matter what you look like- This doesn't mean they think you should not try to improve yourself.</p> <p>Your Aunt on the other hand was just plain mean- maybe doesn't even realize it. Every now and then we all say stupid means things and I say don't give it another thought unless it happens again then just let her have it. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/mean-or-just-well-meant#post-626256 Tue, 22 May 2012 22:15:08 +0000 cheryle (Dianthus) 626256@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I agree that the FB comments were most likely intended to mean you are a wonderful person and those who love you can see that no matter what the outside package looks like. The other one is a bit harder. I really don't think it was meant to be discouraging. We all say things at times that we realize didn't sound right but it is hard to dig out.</p> <p>You are working towards being healthier and that can't be a bad thing. If you lose a bit of weight along the way, even better. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/mean-or-just-well-meant#post-626253 Tue, 22 May 2012 22:11:52 +0000 Chrizzle 626253@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>(Edited to add that I was writing at the same time as Ana, and now that I've posted, I see that she said some of the same things, only more concisely!)</p> <p>I feel a lot of empathy with you, Biscuitsmom. I wonder if when they responded to your Facebook post by talking about what you are like as a person, they were at a loss as to how to respond to your calling yourself a "fat old cow"? I know I would be afraid that anything positive I said about your appearance might come across as trite or insincere. </p> <p>I'm also wondering if the reason your aunt was surprised at how big your clothes are is that she perceives you as smaller than you are? I'm new to YLF and don't know what you look like, but if you've been here any length of time I'll bet you dress in flattering clothing and are more stylish than many women in your real life. </p> <p>I wear the same clothing size as you and I understand how hard it can be not to think of one's body in negative terms, especially when you're paying closer attention to fashion than usual. l sometimes feel disheartened when so many items posted here that are just my style aren't even made in my size. But I have made an effort to curtail self-loathing and negative talk about myself, for my own sake and for my young daughter's. I feel it's important to behave towards myself with the same attitude of loving kindness I'd expect from those who care about me. </p> <p>I see plus-sized women of all ages on YLF, on other style blogs, and in real life who are gorgeous and stylish, so I fill my mind with images of them, because it makes it easier to remember that I can and mostly do like myself just the way I am, that self-hatred doesn't work to motivate me to become healthier, and that I don't have to wait for an imagined, slimmer future me to feel deserving of compliments. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/mean-or-just-well-meant#post-626240 Tue, 22 May 2012 21:58:00 +0000 Ana 626240@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I think the Facebook commenters were well-meaning. Personally, I never know the very best way to respond to someone who talks about themselves in a very negative way (unless it's obviously meant as a joke, and I can only tell that if I am talking to the person face to face and I know them very well). I think your friends on Facebook were trying to be reassuring and make you feel better. As far as your aunt is concerned, you can try telling her how hurtful her comment to you was. I think it was definitely a rude thing to say. If she tries to blow it off, then you know not to bring up any weight/clothing issues with her. Just give your clothes to charity and stop telling her when you're doing it so she can't go through them anymore, because she seems to make it a painful experience for you. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/mean-or-just-well-meant#post-626217 Tue, 22 May 2012 21:37:35 +0000 K. Period. 626217@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Stop! Their negative talk (even if it is well meant) is really pulling at you, I can tell. Please don't listen to it! Don't let the fact that they can't see you shining for all of the junk they are carrying around get you down. </p> <p>A dirty mirror makes everything that it reflects look tarnished. </p> <p>Don't gaze at yourself in their mirror. You go out there and shine like you are meant to! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/mean-or-just-well-meant#post-626206 Tue, 22 May 2012 21:18:47 +0000 ironkurtin 626206@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Not sure what to say, but I am sending you empathy over the internet! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/mean-or-just-well-meant#post-626202 Tue, 22 May 2012 21:12:01 +0000 biscuitsmom 626202@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>But awkwardly spoken? 2 weeks ago I said something on Facebook to a friend's daughter about my being 'a fat old cow' which is how I feel, and her, her mom and grandma all got on my case and basically said 'it doesnt matter how you look, it's whats inside that counts' which I DO agree with, but geez, Ive been working REALLY hard to try and improve my style and its like all my efforts dont matter at all Anyone have a similar experience? I feel like the hell with even trying anymore Also, my Aunt, who I see often and just a week prior to this, asked if I had any clothes I was purging (I do this fairly regularily) I did, so she said she (and others she knows) would like to go thru them, before I donate. I happily brought over 2 big garbage bags full and called her a couple weeks later. She said very few were picked, because they were...'well, huge' She knew damn well what size I am (and Ive been appx the same for 8+ years) and te clothes are the same size as others Ive given her in the past Am I being over-sensitive, or are they slamming my efforts? What do you think? Im a size 16/18, if it matters... </p>