https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/martyrvictim-behavior---losing-proposition Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Tue, 28 Apr 2026 03:01:32 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/martyrvictim-behavior---losing-proposition#post-1110914 Wed, 11 Dec 2013 16:34:50 +0000 Mo 1110914@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Yes, and it ended with phone calls to the lady's house who started the group! &nbsp;Can you imagine? &nbsp;And some PM's to other members who did not answer. &nbsp;I had her unfriended ages ago and blocked recently so I didn't have any further contact. &nbsp;The group starter sent her a kind note explaining when she removed her and decided that was that, no more contact needed. &nbsp;Good for her. &nbsp;She's a flight attendant, so has plenty of experience dealing with people, and needy people ;)&nbsp;<br />Chapter over, time to move on, and up! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/martyrvictim-behavior---losing-proposition#post-1110698 Wed, 11 Dec 2013 13:23:51 +0000 Janet 1110698@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I'm glad the group took action. Marley is right -- it sounds like this woman had the potential to suck all the wind out of the room and drive others away. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/martyrvictim-behavior---losing-proposition#post-1110600 Wed, 11 Dec 2013 07:14:05 +0000 Marley 1110600@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Good!&nbsp; As I was reading everyone's comments, I kept wondering if your group had any control over who could be in the group - and if you could just kick her out?&nbsp; So, I'm glad to hear that that was an option and that that's what you ended up doing.</p> <p>In my experience, these kinds of people are toxic to a group - they just aren't group "material."&nbsp; If/When I get involved in a group that has a person like this in it, if the group as a whole doesn't take action to remove them, then I just leave the group myself.&nbsp; I have absolutely no tolerance for people like this - and even though it is sad that they have a need to behave that way - I am determined that I am not going to waste any of my time or energy dealing with them.&nbsp; But then, I'm probably jaded, as I worked for years in mental health profession and had my full of these kinds of people when I&nbsp;<i>had </i>to work with them!&nbsp; (I'm talking about working with patients, not other mental health professionals!&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/martyrvictim-behavior---losing-proposition#post-1109920 Tue, 10 Dec 2013 20:25:29 +0000 Mo 1109920@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Update of the update: &nbsp;we are removing her from the group. &nbsp;Beyond the 'nothing happened' post she went on a manifesto blah blah blah me me me thing and we've all had enough. &nbsp;I'm glad the group is tolerant to a point, but protective enough of our members to remove the agitation in the end. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/martyrvictim-behavior---losing-proposition#post-1109611 Tue, 10 Dec 2013 14:41:16 +0000 Janet 1109611@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>"Some people just crave drama. If life doesn't give them enough drama, they create it."</p> <p>I laugh off ridiculous things people say and do too, but... It's so sad, isn't it? They learned to survive emotionally through crisis, and now they have to create crisis in their minds all the time. It must be an exhausting way to live. It's certainly exhausting to be on the receiving side of their behavior! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/martyrvictim-behavior---losing-proposition#post-1109609 Tue, 10 Dec 2013 14:38:25 +0000 Alexandra 1109609@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Ok, this is probably going to sound really mean, but when somebody with that kind of history posts things like "I'm going to leave the group", I say ok, goodbye. When they say "I pour my heart out and no one comments or cares", I say take the hint already. Usually I just think that but I have said it before when it looked like other people's nicely worded messages were not getting through.</p> <p>Seriously, who has time and energy for toxic people? You can't fix people. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/martyrvictim-behavior---losing-proposition#post-1109589 Tue, 10 Dec 2013 14:24:04 +0000 Anonymous 1109589@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Some people just crave drama. If life doesn't give them enough drama, they create it.</p> <p>I agree that it's easier to laugh from here. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/martyrvictim-behavior---losing-proposition#post-1109205 Tue, 10 Dec 2013 02:31:09 +0000 Caro in Oz 1109205@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Big hugs. I wouldn't be laughing either if I had to deal with her behaviour It's easier to laugh from here though. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/martyrvictim-behavior---losing-proposition#post-1109160 Tue, 10 Dec 2013 01:51:50 +0000 Mo 1109160@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I guess I should find the humor as well. &nbsp;Part of me wants to ask, "did you get stepped on? &nbsp;Boy, that elephant in the room sure got me!" &nbsp;:P &nbsp;&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/martyrvictim-behavior---losing-proposition#post-1109155 Tue, 10 Dec 2013 01:48:56 +0000 elpgal 1109155@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>:) very typical. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/martyrvictim-behavior---losing-proposition#post-1109080 Tue, 10 Dec 2013 00:45:14 +0000 Caro in Oz 1109080@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I know I'm being mean but I had to laugh. Her behaviour is pretty typical in my experience.&nbsp;No, definitely not your problem :)&nbsp;:) </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/martyrvictim-behavior---losing-proposition#post-1108980 Mon, 09 Dec 2013 23:16:24 +0000 Mo 1108980@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Just an update. &nbsp;A fellow board member laid it out:</p> <p><i>Stay or Go,, whatever works for you.&nbsp;</i></p> <p><i>XXXXX- you are welcome to stay or go. You need to do what is right for you. Frequently people do not respond to my posts daily either. Yesterday, I made a comment in response to your post which you have since deleted. Really?</i></p> <p><i>I do, however, find your comment yesterday about leaving the group to be manipulative. It sounds like a plea for everyone to beg you to stay. Stay or go – whichever is right for you.&nbsp;</i><span><br /><i>. . .&nbsp;</i><br /><i>There should not be scorekeeping on responses. This is not a popularity contest. We are a diverse group of women of varied ages and interests from all over the country that try to focus on fitness/health and support each other in that effort. That's what we all signed up for here. So - stay or go - but please stop complaining that people do not respond to your posts. That behavior makes you appear needy and immature</i><br /></span><br />To which there was no response or acknowledgement whatsoever. &nbsp;Instead the post for the day was as if she'd never said it and no one else had commented about it:</p> <p>&nbsp;<span><span><i>Hi hectic busy day. Did tons of straightening here. Good old functional fitness. House was a wreck &amp; I invited 2 prople. Neither had been here before. Man did I move mountains.&nbsp;</i><br /><i>The bus. meeting was successful. I feel much better about the house thoug</i></span><span><i>h have to admit I stashed some stuff that needs sorting but it feels good.&nbsp;</i><br /><i>Great news ____ went to his union &amp; he'll be back to work this Thurs. That will deal with a lot of the uneasiness I have felt. Sorry he didn't go weeks ago. I did advise him for help. He didn't.<br /></i></span></span><br />Ummm, okay? &nbsp;Elephant in the room, hello? &nbsp;Weird. &nbsp;Just weird. &nbsp;But - not my problem! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/martyrvictim-behavior---losing-proposition#post-1108732 Mon, 09 Dec 2013 17:58:56 +0000 Anonymous 1108732@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I agree with Janet, and call these people "energy drains." If I could offer one important comment, it would be that such people are impossible to reason and need to take their problems to Dr. Phil or a higher power.</p> <p>I had to cut off all contact with one such person because she was literally sucking all my energy and flooding my inbox with "poor me" emails and pleas to take her side against a mutual friend, who I have no problems with. I didn't want any part of the "triangulation" she was trying to create. At the time, it seemed like a very difficult decision to make, but I have come to realize it was the best thing I ever did. She tried to victimize other mutual friends in the same manner, and one by one they all did the same thing I did. Now this person is alone, with no one to talk to; but she brought it all on herself. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/martyrvictim-behavior---losing-proposition#post-1108724 Mon, 09 Dec 2013 17:52:40 +0000 londonkiwi (now back in NZ) 1108724@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Yes, I can completely relate to this. I have a friend who does this on Facebook. I never minded being a constant sounding board, helping her with her problems - until I had a really tough year that resulted in both DH and I being in hospital. I learnt that year who my real friends were - virtual and in real life. </p> <p>It has made me a little less tolerant on people like this. I do just tend to ignore though. So no real advice, just sympathy at dealing with a socially tricky situation. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/martyrvictim-behavior---losing-proposition#post-1108700 Mon, 09 Dec 2013 17:04:22 +0000 Tina 1108700@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>If she 'threatens' to leave because she is unheard wouldn't it be appropriate to wish her well and suggest that perhaps she is venting to the wrong forum. Really, it's a fitness forum and you shouldn't need to validate her. I would venture a guess that she is already on more forums doing the same thing. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/martyrvictim-behavior---losing-proposition#post-1108680 Mon, 09 Dec 2013 16:21:05 +0000 elpgal 1108680@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I have several family members like this and I decided a while ago that I did not want to be irked by getting into this sort of interaction with them. So, unless I am somehow the cause for their angst, I ignore. If I am the cause/excuse, I opt&nbsp; in favor of laying it out straight and not engaging in a prolonged interaction. But others are right, nothing you can do to change their behavior.</p> <p>In your case, I would not send them the link. You don't want the drama. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/martyrvictim-behavior---losing-proposition#post-1108657 Mon, 09 Dec 2013 15:40:12 +0000 Mo 1108657@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Very wise words, Janet. &nbsp;And I think it is a big difference between having a dear loved one play these cards vs a tangental acquaintance on an online forum. &nbsp;I have had other members message back and forth to me about this person before. &nbsp;And you're right, you could buy us all lunch with the number of minor tantrums from forums. &nbsp;Luckily, not here at YLF!&nbsp;<br />I did so much as say yesterday that I realize this is not about me, so I am going to carry on as usual,&nbsp;posting about FITNESS etc. &nbsp;Maybe it was a bit of a poke, but it was also my way of saying, I'm all about the subject at hand here and your feelings are your business to deal with as you need, not mine. &nbsp;I didn't want to be mean, per se, but I also didn't want to be manipulated either. &nbsp;Guess I'll see where that gets us. &nbsp;I long for the ability to block like we could in old AOL chat groups! &nbsp;:) </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/martyrvictim-behavior---losing-proposition#post-1108623 Mon, 09 Dec 2013 15:10:43 +0000 Janet 1108623@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Ah, I see. Caro makes some great points too. I agree that it all depends on how involved you want to get. If I had a dollar for every time I'd seen some online group participant victimize themselves and threaten to take their toys and go home, well... I'd have enough extra dollars right now to buy you lunch, at least. At some point, with someone like that, especially in an online community where they become more of a distraction than a group member, I'd say, "Fine, don't let the door hit you on the way out." Not directly *to* them, of course, just in my head. </p> <p>If you want to give her some friendly advice as a parting gift, you could send a personal message 1) sympathizing politely, letting her know you understand she feels hurt and unheard, and then 2) gently suggest that since it seems she is so deeply sad and hurt, she may want to seek some counseling to help her cope and heal. The fitness forum is not equipped to give her what she seeks. </p> <p>The tougher love approach, knowing that you may be burning a bridge you don't particularly care to revisit, would be to send her the link you posted. There is some food for thought there, and it might plant a seed, but I'd say that's unlikely. It's more likely she'll be offended, and nothing shuts down a person with these issues quicker than offending them. It just digs in their martyrdom heels even deeper. </p> <p>Gigi is exactly right -- she continues to make these kinds of comments because she believes no one is listening. The warped thing is that even when someone *does* listen to her, she probably still will not believe it. It will not sink in that she is being listened to, because her walls are up. It's an awful self-fulfilling prophecy that perpetuates aloneness. I understand because I lived with it and can start to live in that world myself if I'm not careful. This woman is living in a sea of depression. The best thing for her would be some professional help, and her own motivation to change her life. You cannot give that to her -- all you can do is let her know you hear her and give her some little bit of empathy that perhaps lets her open the door to seeking real help for herself.</p> <p>I hope all that makes sense. Clearly this is a topic very near and dear to my experience. Imagine that person being your closest loved one, and how taxing it can be on you. My challenge was imagining feeling that unloved and unheard for one's whole life, and learning to feel sympathy rather than frustration. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/martyrvictim-behavior---losing-proposition#post-1108431 Mon, 09 Dec 2013 05:14:22 +0000 Mo 1108431@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Thanks Caro. &nbsp;I honestly don't feel the need to reach out on a personal level. &nbsp;I don't have a relationship that I value with her. &nbsp;I more or less would just like to 'get along', you know? &nbsp;Maybe that says something about my own needs LOL. &nbsp;Thanks for framing it in that way. &nbsp;I need to learn to just let it go and remember it is not about me.&nbsp; </p> <p>&nbsp;</p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/martyrvictim-behavior---losing-proposition#post-1108426 Mon, 09 Dec 2013 05:06:39 +0000 Caro in Oz 1108426@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I guess it depends on whether you want a relationship with her or not, either choice is legitimate imo.</p> <p>My SIL exhibits this behaviour &amp; my reaction varies depending on how<b> <br />I feel. </b><b><br /></b><br />If I'm feeling kind &amp; strong I will point her in the direction of the points in your linked&nbsp;article. I'll tell her she needs to look after herself before doing things for others especially when she is feeling undervalued. Or that it is wise to stop doing things for people when they don't appreciate it. One thing I do point out to her is that she can't control other peoples behaviour - which stops a lot of the more annoying&nbsp;conversations about why x doesn't y.</p> <p>If I'm not feeling as tolerant I try to remember that her&nbsp;behaviour is coming from a place of fear &amp; a feeling of not being in control of anything. This helps me to just listen to her &amp;&nbsp;deal with her more kindly than I would have once. I'm not sure sending her the link would be helpful she probably doesn't see herself as a martyr.</p> <p> </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/martyrvictim-behavior---losing-proposition#post-1108407 Mon, 09 Dec 2013 04:41:18 +0000 Mo 1108407@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>That makes sense. &nbsp;Thanks. &nbsp;But I admit it makes me&nbsp;feel manipulated when I read, "I'm going to leave the group. I pour my heart out and no one comments or cares". &nbsp;To be clear, this is a fitness board, not a self help kind of place. &nbsp;But, like here, we also share plenty more than just the basic topic.&nbsp;</p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/martyrvictim-behavior---losing-proposition#post-1108402 Mon, 09 Dec 2013 04:35:57 +0000 Gigi 1108402@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Janet, I see we cross posted. I am glad to see that we see things the same way--that acknowledging her problem is probably the best approach. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/martyrvictim-behavior---losing-proposition#post-1108399 Mon, 09 Dec 2013 04:33:43 +0000 Gigi 1108399@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I'm sure curious to see what others say.</p> <p>I don't really have advice but a musing.&nbsp;I am wondering if maybe neither approach is helpful. If you ignore the pleas for attention, she will continue trying to get that attention, so nothing changes. If you call a spade a spade, she will become defensive and angry, which again doesn't help things. My mother was like this, and I think it comes from people having ignored&nbsp;your legitimate needs and problems when you were young. So you end up having to give sympathy to yourself, which creates the martyr business.&nbsp;I wonder if perhaps the *right* amount of compassion for what problems she has would take care of things? Maybe just a quick acknowledgment that she is experiencing whatever problem would give her the attention that she has needed for a very long time. Maybe she continues to make these kinds of comments because she feels no one is listening.&nbsp;I don't know...I could be way off base. This is just me playing armchair psychologist. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/martyrvictim-behavior---losing-proposition#post-1108396 Mon, 09 Dec 2013 04:29:15 +0000 Janet 1108396@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I know a little about this. People who have these issues are stuck in past pain. They were denied what they needed and consequently learned to manipulate people with guilt. They tend to live in fear. </p> <p>I try to remember a few things when dealing with this behavior. I'm tired right now and not composing my thoughts very well, but I'll at least get this one out there: People acting this way generally feel unheard. A word or two of the simple message "I hear you" ("Oh, that must have made you feel so upset!") and validating their feelings can sometimes go a ways in making them relax and drop their victimization. Then move the conversation along to another topic. </p> <p>I'll try to add more later. Hopefully someone with more knowledge will chime in also. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/martyrvictim-behavior---losing-proposition#post-1108379 Mon, 09 Dec 2013 04:12:25 +0000 Mo 1108379@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I am in a closed online group of only 8 or 9 ladies. &nbsp;And we have one who continues to play the guilt card and poor me type posts. &nbsp;I vacillate between ignoring these pleas for attention and wanting to just call a spade a spade, but then I succeed in giving her the martyrdom that she's seeking. &nbsp;I'm taking a break from the group for now but curious if any of you have success in navigating this personality type. &nbsp;This is a grown woman in her 50's with a family of her own. &nbsp;I don't think it's realistic to think I can change her behavior by pointing out what it is. &nbsp;I was half tempted to post this link but stopped myself. &nbsp;<a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.wikihow.com/Overcome-Martyr-Syndrome">http://www.wikihow.com/Overcome-Martyr-Syndrome</a><br />Advice? </p>