https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/in-search-of-a-voice-of-reason Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Tue, 05 May 2026 15:21:19 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/in-search-of-a-voice-of-reason/page/2#post-191216 Wed, 28 Jul 2010 17:20:29 +0000 Alecia 191216@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Trying to type one-handed as I feed the kiddo. Sorry if there are typos.</p> <p>Hugs to you, Michelle. I have always been close to my mom, too, and understand your situation. I don't doubt your mutual love and respect for each other. But I wanted I wanted to strongly second Vix's comment about boundaries. Those of us with close relationships can have a hard time setting them, but it's critical. I also noted in your Christmas post the real responsibility you feel for your mom's feelings. A good friend/mentor always wisely told me that I am not responsible for my mother's happiness. It's true for me and you. Of course, we'll continue to do things that we think will make them happy/proud/etc but in the end we can only be the keepers of our own feelings.</p> <p>And on the happiness thing, that dress should make you happy. You look smashing in it. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/in-search-of-a-voice-of-reason/page/2#post-191205 Wed, 28 Jul 2010 16:51:46 +0000 MNsara 191205@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Michelle - more hugs to you. I read all this wonderful advice and thought it gave you LOTS of support and ideas to work from.</p> <p>The one thing that keeps coming to my mind is how we all have different preferences. I loved my mom and apparently took her advice (decorating especially) readily. It took me many years to come into my own and move away from her taste.</p> <p>The difference was startling - from antiques to contemporary, from bright colors to drab neutrals, etc. I sometimes thought my pendulum was swinging too far in the other direction (from hers), but I realized I have settled somewhere in-between - and it's ME!!!</p> <p>Anyway, you and your mom can both have fab style even when your selections are totally different. Maybe reminding yourself of that will help you with your confidence. And just maybe those of us that are very connected with our moms struggle a little longer to find our own voice. . . ? </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/in-search-of-a-voice-of-reason/page/2#post-191180 Wed, 28 Jul 2010 15:41:10 +0000 Michelle 191180@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Ladies, I'm so touched by the empathy, encouragement and support you've all offered in response to my neurotic paranoia. You have provided great coping strategies, which is exactly what I needed. For those who wonder if the problem is in my confidence, I can answer with an unequivocal yes. Mom may need to keep some comments to herself, but the issue has much more to do with my response to her words than with anything she says. IN fact right now I feel kind of guilty for the way I've probably portrayed her here, and I want to go on the record as saying she's really wonderful and one of the people I'm closest to in the world. We talk and laugh a lot and have very similar views on most things...this is one of our very few sticking points.<br /> Angie and Julie pinpointed a fundamental factor at play in this situation. My mom was my primary style guide -- the one who acquainted me with colours, silhouettes, and the basic tenets of good style that serve me well to this day. Part of why I was so drawn to Angie's advice is because it correlated very well with much of what my mother taught me. Since style will always be acquired rather than innate with me, it's important for my sources of knowledge to coexist harmoniously. But you're all right to point out that I've evolved and need to assert that fact. To this same wedding, Mom is wearing a black dress with some silver detail around the neckline, a light-weight black voile short-sleeved jacket, black shoes and a black bag with some silver detail that matches the dress. I can guarantee the dress will be of excellent quality and fit her to a tee, but it's far more conservative than the outfit I plan to wear or anything I would ever consider donning for occasions like this now. In fact I kept trying to encourage her to acquire silver shoes just to break away from the black (YLF training, I guess). Considering the day in terms of our two outfits has made me realize that we're at different places in terms of style, and this will help me come up with those key phrases or approaches so many of you have urged me to adopt.<br /> Kristen, April, Marianna and anyone else who has gone through this, HUGS! It's not fun, but I admire you all for rising above it and hoep to emulate you. </p> <p>And to all those who offered reassurance about how I look in the dress, I thank you. Knowing that lots of style-savvy women support the look really will help me to whether whatever comments come my way. Despite the Maggy London dress debacle at Christmas, I have since worn the frock with great confidence and received a lot of positive feedback on it from several different quarters. </p> <p> THANK YOU! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/in-search-of-a-voice-of-reason/page/2#post-191166 Wed, 28 Jul 2010 15:21:10 +0000 anne 191166@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Dear Michelle</p> <p>Another hug for you.</p> <p>With 40 responses as I write I don't have any new wisdom to add; just saying that I feel for you and that I love you in that dress! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/in-search-of-a-voice-of-reason/page/2#post-191129 Wed, 28 Jul 2010 14:16:10 +0000 londonkiwi (now back in NZ) 191129@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Michelle, you have received some wonderful advice and I can completely empathise with you. </p> <p>I think that you are right that it is not the right time to tackle this head on, but I hope that this thread has reiterated just how amazing, stunning, gorgeous and to quote Angie "KILLER" you look in your dress and hopefully the added confidence will help any comments your Mum makes roll off your back like water off a duck's. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/in-search-of-a-voice-of-reason/page/2#post-191118 Wed, 28 Jul 2010 13:27:55 +0000 Frances 191118@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Michelle, I have no additional words of wisdom to offer beyond those all the YLF women have offered, but I did want to tell you how perfectly lovely you look in that dress. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/in-search-of-a-voice-of-reason/page/2#post-191053 Wed, 28 Jul 2010 03:44:46 +0000 Jenava 191053@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Sparky...LOL. GREAT idea! Katiepea, you seem so wise! Good luck with your wedding! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/in-search-of-a-voice-of-reason/page/2#post-190987 Wed, 28 Jul 2010 01:58:21 +0000 Boof 190987@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I don't have any additional advice, but I just wanted to add to the long list of people who say how absolutely beautiful you look in that dress. The picture you posted is divine! Wear that dress with confidence and have a wonderful time at the weddings! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/in-search-of-a-voice-of-reason/page/2#post-190979 Wed, 28 Jul 2010 01:42:36 +0000 crazyone 190979@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I don't have anything much more to add other than what all the ladies above me have said; you're beautiful, the dress is fabulous, your boyfriend loves it, we all love it. Go ahead and wear it, and try your hardest not to let your mother get to you (by changing the topic, finding other people to interacting to, taking venting breaks, etc.). I'm hoping she won't say anything about it at all, or if she does, it'll be something complimentary! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/in-search-of-a-voice-of-reason/page/2#post-190977 Wed, 28 Jul 2010 01:37:27 +0000 Kyle 190977@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I like April's suggestion very much because it immediately takes you out of a position of having to defend anything and turns the spotlight back onto what is truly an inappropriate and hurtful comment:</p> <p>"Mom, I know you want to help, but I don't find those comments helpful, and frankly your remarks are very hurtful to me." (I would add the part about being hurtful). And then any further comments can simply be met with, "Not helpful, Mom."</p> <p>Good luck, my dear. </p> <p>I would add that, as a parent, we want so much for our children...everything good in life...that we often come off as critical when we are just trying to teach, or counsel, or help. It's very tricky for parent and child. That said, when the child becomes an adult, the time for teaching and advice is over, unless help is requested. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/in-search-of-a-voice-of-reason/page/2#post-190962 Wed, 28 Jul 2010 01:18:27 +0000 Sparky 190962@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Every one else has given you many words of wisdom. So I will give you a game to play. During each wedding event, every time your mom says something negative to you, you and Corey must give each other a long, passionate kiss. Steal into a restroom if you have to, if PDAs are not your thing. It might help you feel better about yourself, defuse the tension, and is a lot better for you than knocking back a pint or fleeing to the restroom for a good cry each time your mom says something hurtful (not that you would do the drinking).</p> <p>Many hugs to you, Michelle. You are so amazingly pretty in that dress, I can't begin to tell you. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/in-search-of-a-voice-of-reason/page/2#post-190948 Wed, 28 Jul 2010 00:59:03 +0000 Katiepea 190948@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Michelle, I've just read both this post and your experience at Christmas with your mum. I'm very sorry that you have felt and currently feel so distraught. </p> <p>I wanted to let you know that I, too, understand how one word from a parent can sometimes cause hurt to the psyche on a deep level that it is hard to recover from. My own experience has been that sometimes however much she loves us, a mother sometimes has an extra special ability to make us feel like an incompetent child, even when we are a fully functioning and totally capable adult. </p> <p>From how you express yourself on this forum, I must say that I get a strong impression that you are rapidly reaching a point where you have confidence in the way you choose to dress and style your appearance. As such, I'm going to suggest you now should consider being very brave and start to very gently and lovingly assert yourself to your mother that you are now a woman who has her own ideas about her style and presentation. </p> <p>I understand how difficult attending an emotional event (such as a wedding) can be when there are additional factors present that have the potential to turn what should be a pleasant experience into an absolute emotional nightmare! </p> <p>With my brother's wedding I'm incredibly stressed because my father has a new girlfriend who he is bringing to the wedding. Let's just say the introduction between us (and many other things that have occured since then) has meant that the relationship between my previously close father and I is incredibly strained.</p> <p>I have not seen my family for nearly twelve months and my father's side of the family since my mother's funeral three years ago. Essentially, this wedding is the first time I will be thrust into a pool of family dynamics which is quite possibly not going to be pleasant. </p> <p>In response to my very intense stress, I have decided to be emotionally proactive in order to ensure I am not emotionally vulnerable on this day. Being proactive also means that I can ensure my gorgeous brother and his beautiful new wife have a special day that is not marred by conflict. As such, I have prepared myself to say two sentences if the worst should (and likely will) eventuate at the wedding: "Dad is very happy." If pressed (or attacked) I have decided to say "All that matters is Dad's happiness, my thoughts and opinions are irrelevant." (Smile and then change topic of conversation.)</p> <p>This approach gives me that capacity to handle myself in a mature, dignified way, whilst still staying true to myself. I believe these responses will not cause additional conflict either, which is just as important. Michelle, take a deep breath because I'm going to be brutally blunt here for a moment:</p> <p>I think that given your past experiences, you should mentally prepare yourself that your mother will not like your outfit. Further, I think you should expect her to repeatedly make the type of comments you've described in your post. I'm sad to say, this may be her programming (to be inclined toward the negative rather than the positive) and it can be a hard habit to break. </p> <p>I'm suggesting you come up with some simple, dignified, one sentence comments that you can say in reply or to deflect any negative comments. Such as "I'm sorry you feel that way mum, I actually really like my outfit." Then practice smiling nicely. NOTE: It is important you stop there Michelle, no other words of defence or explanation.</p> <p>Any more explanation turns it back into the adult-child dynamic. Leave the conversation hanging if necessary and break the tension with "Is Uncle John here, I haven't talked to him in ages, lets go say hi!" (happy voice). If she makes comments about your weight you could say something like "Thank you for your concern about my health mum." (Once again smile and deflect.) You are a smart woman, I know you could come up with far more articulate and appropriate responses! :-)</p> <p>Michelle, I'm not recommending you say these sentences in a rude or disrespectful way - she is your mother and is entitled to her opinion afterall! You need to practice saying these comments as an assertive statement in a kind and appropriate manner. And yes, I would add that if you have to repeat *exactly* the same sentence five times to various comments which all have that same degree of angst, then say it five times! (Think of it like an experiment and training - stimulus/response; stimulus/response. She will get the message eventually!)</p> <p>Michelle, I really hope that maybe something I've written is food for thought. Even if it isn't, hopefully just knowing you are not alone in dealing with an emotional rollercoaster makes you feel a little better and less alone. </p> <p>I really hope you can not let this concern stop you from having a wonderful time at the weddings. Please let us know how the wedding goes (and don't forget to post pictures too)! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/in-search-of-a-voice-of-reason/page/2#post-190869 Tue, 27 Jul 2010 22:18:34 +0000 Jenava 190869@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>My mom sometimes questions my style choices because she is afraid others will critisize me, and maybe she thinks if she does it first and I am able to "correct" my "mistake" she can "save" me from outside critisizm. When I realize this is her thought process it helps because I know she is mistaken, and simply isn't used to seeing more fashion-forward styles. I would MUCH prefer to push my mother outside of her comfort zone that to dress in a way that doesn't please and excite me!</p> <p>Wear the beautiful dress, the beautiful shoes, and realize that maybe your style has outgrown your mother. Cheers. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/in-search-of-a-voice-of-reason/page/2#post-190822 Tue, 27 Jul 2010 20:41:20 +0000 Melissa 190822@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Oh, Michelle, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know that you know you look amazing in that dress, but I also know how quickly the voice of doubt arrives once a loved one makes a comment. </p> <p>There are as many different ways to handle such situations as there are personalities. I hope you will take what we all say as a starting point and tailor it to suit your own fab personality in a way that works for you.</p> <p>That said, I also have family members who say things that make me feel terrible. The way I deal with it is sort of a two stage response. First, when the hurt feelings or insecurities well up, I try to stop for a moment and really think about how I WANT to react and remind myself that in every situation, I always have a choice to make about how to react and that choice is mine alone (ie, if I've had a terrible day already and get a flat tire, it's totally up to me whether or not to let that stress me out). So I ask myself, "How do I want to feel right now? Do I actually *want* to feel hurt and upset, and if not, what other feelings could I have?"</p> <p>The second stage is for dealing with my feeling about the person who said whatever made me unhappy. I try to put myself in their place in order to understand why they would say something like that. Generally, if I can really look at things through their view, I wind up feeling empathy for them rather than anger or resentment, because I realize that they are stuck in a mental landscape that limits or oppresses them, while I am able to step back out of it. </p> <p>To illustrate, there are many, many times when a member of my family makes a comment about how unattractive so-and-so's weight is and places a negative value judgment on that person. I then immediately feel self-conscious about my weight, but I try to put a cork in that feeling long enough to question whether that is how I want to feel. Then, I envision living in the commenter's head--what would it be like to believe that people ought to look a certain way and ought not to look other ways? What must it be like to believe that your value as a person is tied to something so subjective, variable, and sometimes uncontrollable? Once I have thought through the ramifications of thinking like that person, I realize that if I believed those things, I would walk around feeling frightened and insecure and judged all the time. And then I understand better why that person makes such comments, and I am no longer angry or hurt, I just feel sad that they are stuck there and glad that I can choose what to believe in and how to see the world for myself.</p> <p>I sincerely hope you can find ways to cope with this. Know that you have the support of all of us here. You truly do look fab in your dress. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/in-search-of-a-voice-of-reason/page/2#post-190808 Tue, 27 Jul 2010 20:16:39 +0000 Katja 190808@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Dear Michelle,</p> <p>Other people have already said the things I want to say. You are beautiful, you're fab, you're your own grown up person. Your mom can have her opinions, and she may (will) say things that hurt you, but you'll rise above them. You'll breathe deeply and pause and smile and thank her for her concern and then find something else to do, somewhere else to go, someone else to talk to. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/in-search-of-a-voice-of-reason#post-190806 Tue, 27 Jul 2010 20:13:14 +0000 Debbie 190806@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Michelle I saw this earlier and wasn't able to comment because I was headed to a meeting. As I've posted on here before my hair is a big sticking point with my Mom. She sees no reason to color it. I have learned to tell myslf you are not going to change her mind. Do not react. You like what you see if the mirror, everyone else likes it. Do not react. The last visit went pretty good because I just nodded my head and went on. Kristen is right we have to adjust the way we react to it because we cannot change them.</p> <p>You rock that dress. Have a great time and picture all of us cheering you on! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/in-search-of-a-voice-of-reason#post-190802 Tue, 27 Jul 2010 20:06:16 +0000 Scarlet 190802@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Michelle, I am not sure what I can say exactly to help, except that you should wear the wonderful dress you have. Just check back in with us when you need some external input, but whatever anyone says, whatever their reasons may be, you know you look wonderful in the wedding outfit. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/in-search-of-a-voice-of-reason#post-190789 Tue, 27 Jul 2010 19:42:37 +0000 biscuitsmom 190789@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>These are kind and wise words from the wonderful women on this forum....let them into your heart and believe the truth that you look and are fabulous, Michelle! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/in-search-of-a-voice-of-reason#post-190785 Tue, 27 Jul 2010 19:30:25 +0000 April 190785@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I can so relate to this, Michelle. I was a chubby kid through childhood and for parts of teenagerhood and the college years as well, whereas my mother is tall and was always slim and curve-less. I looked through my "baby book" last year (the one where parents record childhood milestones and such) and was shocked to see that every single year's entry begins with a comment on my weight. When I was a teen and developed the curves she didn't have, things got a little nastier. She would remark, for example, that she didn't know what the big fuss was about having a bust because "who wants to look like a cow."</p> <p>Nice.</p> <p>But my mother and I are not close, so I don't have to deal with this kind of craziness anymore. It's more difficult in your situation because you *are* so close, and so the comments are more confusing and have more capacity to hurt. </p> <p>Can you imagine keeping it as brief as possible and saying something like, "Mom, I know you want to help, but I don't find those comments helpful." And then any further comments can simply be met with, "Not helpful, Mom."</p> <p>Also, you can have a tape playing in your head that goes, "Angie says this dress is KILLER, and Angie is a professional fashion stylist. My friends on YLF would not steer me wrong." I sometimes play that one myself. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/in-search-of-a-voice-of-reason#post-190771 Tue, 27 Jul 2010 18:57:09 +0000 Kristen 190771@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Oh, Michelle, believe me I have been where you are! My mom does many of the same things and it drives me insane. My response has been to move 800 miles away, but that won't quite work here for you. :)</p> <p>I do have another woman, a co-worker, who drags me into all kinds of conversations about her weight, her intelligence, her abilities etc -- she thinks she is the Worst Person Ever, and I end up trying to convince her how great she is. But with her, it's an endless cycle because she does not have any self-esteem, and over time I've really come to feel helpess, frustrated and manipulated when she starts off on the subject. It's ironically the same mix of emotions that emerge when my mothers starts criticizing me! </p> <p>So now I have a post-in on my computer that reads: ADJUST YOUR ATTITUDE. Because the reality is I cannot change HER, I can only change the way I respond to her. That is what stops me when I feel myself falliing into the cycle. I am thinking I am going to work on the same approach with my mother the next time I see her. Maybe it will work for you too. :)</p> <p>Much hugs, and goodness gracious please enjoy how awesome you look in that turquoise dress. It is truly, truly stunning and one-of-a-kind -- exactly like you! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/in-search-of-a-voice-of-reason#post-190762 Tue, 27 Jul 2010 18:43:59 +0000 Angie 190762@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Oh, Michelle. (((HUGS)))). </p> <p>I have to run but will back to comment further. In the meantime though, I too realize how much of your superb style sense is a direct result of your relationship with your Mum - and bless her for that. I also believe that there is no need to stir the pot before the wedding days themselves. </p> <p>Don't stress yourself out by buying another dress. Wear your KILLER dress and try to prepare yourself for the negative reactions. We can help you prep for this. Try not to positively reinforce Mum's negative reactions by being apologetic. Stay civil and compassionate but defy the environmental norm. Fact is that little Michelle grew up! And is as competent and independent as ever. It's hard for Mums to come to terms with this and I know you have compassion for that side of things too. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/in-search-of-a-voice-of-reason#post-190743 Tue, 27 Jul 2010 18:20:47 +0000 RoseandJoan 190743@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>After reading your blog, especially the posts about how you formed your style, I gained great respect for the role your Mother played in the development of your style. How she has taught you theories on colour, shape and textures shows just how remarkable she is. BUT she developed a role, she was you fashion guide and perhaps she is now finding it hard to let that responsibility go. </p> <p>Of course as your first fashion mentor her opinion carries the most weight, but you have continued to evolve your style independently and to great success. Your dress is CUSTOM made for you, your colouring and your body shape by a talented local designer and has the backing of a much sought after fashion stylist.</p> <p>I think you need to realise that she is probably feeling the need to nurture you by continuing the role she once played and you are perhaps equally feeling the need to please which creates pressure. Both of the needs show how much you love each other. I just hope you manage to feel as fab as you look at the wedding.</p> <p>p.s. if your fab dress becomes an orphan i will steal it and hang it on my wall as a glorious piece of art. Your dress makes my tummy flip. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/in-search-of-a-voice-of-reason#post-190742 Tue, 27 Jul 2010 18:16:45 +0000 janetinvirginia 190742@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Michelle, you look fabulous in that turquoise dress. I'm sorry your mom is so critical. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/in-search-of-a-voice-of-reason#post-190736 Tue, 27 Jul 2010 18:04:13 +0000 Kristine 190736@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Parents have a way of pushing those buttons, mothers especially! Even though I don't agree with a lot of my mom's opinions on style, she can cut right through my confidence with a few words. </p> <p>How about repeating something to yourself along the lines of... </p> <p>"Never mind her Michelle, you are incredibly fabulous!! You're a trend setter and you're courageous! You don't want to hide in the corner and some people just can't handle that. But you should keep your head up and keep on with your gorgeous self!". </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/in-search-of-a-voice-of-reason#post-190725 Tue, 27 Jul 2010 17:35:01 +0000 Polly (thunalata) 190725@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>How miserable for you! So sorry you're having to go through this every time you see your mum.</p> <p>In the end there seem to be two issues here: what your mum says (which you cannot control, although you can influence her) and how you feel about it (which you want to be able to control).</p> <p>I'd like to recommend a website that I found helpful a year or so ago when I was working through some things. It's basically a self-taught CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) course that encourages you to understand how your thinking affects your feelings. It's geared at people who are depressed or suffer from anxiety but I think it might have some useful things for you. It's not heavy at all!</p> <p><a href="http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome" rel="nofollow">http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome</a></p> <p>Also a book, 'The Dance of Anger': </p> <p><a href="http://www.harrietlerner.com/pages/dance_of_anger.htm" rel="nofollow">http://www.harrietlerner.com/p....._anger.htm</a></p> <p>Hope one or the other might be helpful. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/in-search-of-a-voice-of-reason#post-190724 Tue, 27 Jul 2010 17:32:10 +0000 Lisa 190724@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>You can't live your life trying to make others happy. Otherwise you are living as a puppet to their lives instead of your own independant life. You have an entire YLF gang that loves you in your turquoise dress. I say wear your dress proudly and remind yourself that this dress makes YOU happy and that YOU feel good in it. Remember that any negative comments you are receiving are because people often like to fix things outside of themselves rather than face their own issues and insecurities. As they saying goes "misery loves company" but I say being happy is a far nicer state to stay in. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/in-search-of-a-voice-of-reason#post-190721 Tue, 27 Jul 2010 17:20:30 +0000 Sveta 190721@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Michelle, I am going to ask you a question: why these remarks bother you? You see I believe that the problem is not as much in your mom as in yourself. You cannot stop everybody to make stupid and unkind comments. What you can do is to change your reaction to them. To be able to do so you need to understand WHY they bother you. Without that you will not succeed. You can put a poker face on, turn it into a joke,etc. but deep inside you will be hurt.<br /> I found this works very well for me: when I am bothered by something I am looking for a reall reason. As soon as I understand that it is much easier to fix the problem.<br /> The easiest answer in your situation which comes to mind is that deep inside you are not confident about how you look. If this is the case you need to work on this and we can help you.<br /> However it may be something else - only you can find it out. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/in-search-of-a-voice-of-reason#post-190720 Tue, 27 Jul 2010 17:17:43 +0000 Sihaya 190720@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Michelle - I'm sorry that you are having to face this in the midst of a joyful weekend. A couple of thoughts:<br /> - Take a picture of you in the outfit and send it to your mom ahead of time. Tell her how excited you are about the events, that you are at peace with your body issues and excited to have her see you in this dress.<br /> - Confront her again but in a different way than you have done before (definition of insanity: doing something over and over again and expecting a different result) and set down some boundaries that you don't expect her to cross in the future. Suggest she talk to your dad or someone else if she really needs to voice soemthing but not to you.<br /> - Honor yourself. Take a time out from her if you need to and go dance with Corey. Speak up and don't allow her to encroach on your boundaries.<br /> - Consider going to therapy to understand how and what triggers you about your mom so you can learn to de-train yourself from it. I have found this to be extremley effective for many folks dealing with family of origin issues provided you find a good therapist.<br /> - Don't buy a "safe" dress. That would defintely be a waste on so many different fronts. You look great, strut your stuff unapologetically! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/in-search-of-a-voice-of-reason#post-190719 Tue, 27 Jul 2010 17:14:12 +0000 Ele 190719@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Ooops, I guess you responded while I was typing, Michelle. It seems we're on the same page and I didn't really need to say all that. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/in-search-of-a-voice-of-reason#post-190718 Tue, 27 Jul 2010 17:08:20 +0000 chewyspaghetti 190718@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>You can just go my route, Michelle- and head for the booze. Whenever something rude or uncomfortable comes out at a family gathering (often) I stand up and say loudly "Would anyone like more WINE?!?" Even if nobody else does- I excuse myself to get a glass. It makes those occasions much more pleasant. </p>