https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/i-need-some-advice-please Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Sat, 18 Apr 2026 09:53:17 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/i-need-some-advice-please/page/2#post-2306150 Thu, 02 Feb 2023 22:48:05 +0000 Style Fan 2306150@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Lisa, I am late responding to this.&nbsp; We have been travelling for the last week.&nbsp; I think the feedback from the forum members is wonderful.&nbsp; I did want to add my personal experience.<br />After my first husband died, I was amazed at how kind and supportive everyone was.&nbsp; Neighbours I had never met came over and offered to help me with yard work.&nbsp; Some of my husband's work friends dropped by to see how I was.&nbsp; I probably came across as disinterested in their offers.&nbsp; I don't know for sure.&nbsp; I remember the kindness, and I hold those memories in my heart.&nbsp;&nbsp;<br />I was devastated. I don't know what G's wife is feeling or needing.&nbsp; I did appreciate everything people did for me, even if I didn't act like it. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/i-need-some-advice-please/page/2#post-2306009 Thu, 02 Feb 2023 00:38:30 +0000 judy 2306009@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>&nbsp;So sorry you and your husband lost such a very good friend.&nbsp;&nbsp;</p> <p>"Is this how it goes when the friendship wasn't between us but between the men?"&nbsp; I agree with April, that the answer to this might be yes.&nbsp;&nbsp;</p> <p>Also, not acknowledging texts or phone calls is a pretty clear message, at least for now.&nbsp; Maybe it just means she can't deal with it...not that you are doing anything wrong. It sounds like you have more than made the effort to be there for her.&nbsp; I also wonder if because her experience of you and your DH was as couples, that seeing you both painfully reminds her of her DH's absence more?&nbsp; He's missing.&nbsp; More than say other people she may have had singular friendships with.&nbsp; It might all just be too fresh.&nbsp;&nbsp;</p> <p>I agree with others to make the extension that you are there if and when she ever wants to make contact, gentle reminders.&nbsp;&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/i-need-some-advice-please/page/2#post-2305938 Wed, 01 Feb 2023 17:10:39 +0000 Kyle 2305938@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Lisa, I also wanted to let you know how much things have changed for me over the years, because the same could happen for your friend in time. I now WANT to talk about and remember my mom, and have reconnected with some dear friends from that time in my life, which has been really lovely. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/i-need-some-advice-please/page/2#post-2305928 Wed, 01 Feb 2023 16:29:41 +0000 Chris987 2305928@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>So much great advice here LJP for dealing with such a difficult and painful situation. The only thing I can think of to add is that sometimes you will never know what's in the heart/mind of another person, even if you've known them for years. The only thing you can do is find a way to be at peace with today's reality while you also honor the past. Leaving the door open, the ball in their court etc is the best way to go when it's possible and it also will help you deal with it. I have badly broken relationships with a couple of my siblings, totally different from your situation ... I do my best to consider those doors closed "only for now" because who knows what the future might hold. It's the only thing I can do and helps keep me sane about it all.&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/i-need-some-advice-please/page/2#post-2305912 Wed, 01 Feb 2023 16:01:45 +0000 Mary Beth (formerly LBD) 2305912@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>There are two things that I would do...</p> <p>Reach out via a text or send a card, simply saying, "I'm here for you, if you ever want to talk (or not talk), and simply want company.&nbsp; &nbsp;I'm here".</p> <p>And then let it be.&nbsp; &nbsp;Maybe you hear from her, maybe you don't.&nbsp; &nbsp;In the end, it's her choice.&nbsp; She may be at a point where she just needs some space and some silence, away from all the sympathetic eyes reminding her of her loss.</p> <p>You simply re-establish your willingness to be there for her, and then let her make the next move, if she chooses.</p> <p>The second thing is,&nbsp;what about private celebration of life for this wonderful friend, with just your DH and DD?&nbsp; &nbsp;Bring it up, and then let DH choose if this is something he might like to do.</p> <p>A celebration of life doesn't have to be a one-and-done, for that matter.&nbsp; &nbsp; For fifty years, there has been a Stephen C Smith Memorial Regatta in Shell Point, FL.&nbsp; &nbsp;It's a windsurfing regatta that raises money for the American Cancer Society.&nbsp; &nbsp;I volunteered in the mid-1990s when I was living in Tallahassee, and it was a ton of fun.&nbsp; ESPN covered in on television in the 1990s, not sure if they still do.&nbsp; &nbsp;It was something that started small, and has now become something of an institution to honor a man I never met, but who posthumously gave me some wonderful, lifelong friendships and incredible memories.&nbsp; &nbsp;I'm hoping to get back this year for the 50th anniversary celebration.</p> <p>Maybe in a few years there might be an annual Pickleball Tournament in honor of your friend, that is a benefit for cancer research or something that was important to your friend. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/i-need-some-advice-please/page/2#post-2305894 Wed, 01 Feb 2023 13:40:17 +0000 LJP 2305894@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Thank you for sharing your own experience, Kyle. It's very generous of you, and I appreciate it . &nbsp;I cannot imagine... </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/i-need-some-advice-please/page/2#post-2305838 Wed, 01 Feb 2023 05:27:17 +0000 Kyle 2305838@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Lisa, my mom died suddenly and in a traumatic way when I was a teenager, and I was there for the worst of it. I could not and would not talk about her or her death AT ALL for years, until I was in my very early 30s and went to therapy and finally processed everything and learned some healthy coping skills. After her death, I was so relieved to go away to college and distance myself from all the familiar people, places and memories. I was just very closed off and desperately wanted to shut the door on every aspect of my life before her death. I did that by moving out of state after I graduated from college and essentially cutting ties with everyone who knew me back home and back then. &nbsp;All of this is my way of reiterating and illustrating what others have said — everyone handles grief differently and we just don’t know what this woman is experiencing or why she is reacting in this way. It sounds like you have made such sincere and loving efforts to help, and her silence is saying she’s not ready for any kind of interaction right now. It’s quite possible that seeing and hearing from you is just too painful a reminder off all the good times before the unthinkable happened and her world changed forever. I think I would reach out with a call or personal note from time to time and try not to expect anything back. In the meantime, I wish you and your husband peace and healing as you work through this difficult situation while dealing with your own grief.&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/i-need-some-advice-please/page/2#post-2305815 Wed, 01 Feb 2023 02:11:37 +0000 Isabel 2305815@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Lisa, first, I am so sorry. For you and your husband. Second, what Angie said a million percent. &nbsp;I'm willing bet G's wife doesn't know what she needs. Because in truth, what she NEEDS is her husband back. &nbsp;And that isn't going to happen. I also think people go around utterly stunned for a while. You have the added layer of a completely redefined relationship now. &nbsp;And she's trying to negotiate a life and future without her husband....and probably not the redefining of other relationships.</p> <p>My husband lost a close childhood friend about 7 months ago. &nbsp;It happened fast. Cancer. Similar situation. After sometime, we found that she started responding to his friends and but not their wives so much. I think that she felt a connection to him that way. &nbsp;Which is great. It's what she needed. &nbsp; Some people retreat others work hard to socialize and keep busy to compartmentalize. You may have too many memories attached for her. And the British are known for keeping things to themselves.&nbsp;</p> <p>Drop her a card or note every once in a while. Or have your husband do it. &nbsp;It's not a rejection of G's life.&nbsp;</p> </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/i-need-some-advice-please#post-2305740 Tue, 31 Jan 2023 21:16:54 +0000 Laurie 2305740@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Lisa, has your husband tried to reach out to her on his own? Maybe she would respond to him, as the core of the relationship was really with him and G. Something along kkards' suggestion - maybe a note, with a photo or other small thing, to share? Unobtrusive.</p> <p>I had a college friend "break up" with me several years ago in her grief. I knew too much about her past, and the circumstances of her husband's death, and she just didn't want to be with me - she wanted to move on. I sent her occasional cards, and I reached out to one of her young adult sons once on Facebook many years ago, but then I let it go. I hope she's had a good life the last 20 years.</p> <p>So sorry, all the way around.</p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/i-need-some-advice-please#post-2305709 Tue, 31 Jan 2023 18:18:17 +0000 kkards 2305709@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>very late to this. My parents had a similar situation, a friend of both of theirs from college passed away at 75, about 8 years before my dad. they were frequent visitors during his last months,&nbsp; and spoke with him a couple of time a week. His wife was much younger, and was not close to either of my parents before he passed, and contact after that was pretty much non existent.&nbsp; they had no children. it bothered my mom, i don't think my dad was bothered.&nbsp;<br />anyway, this is a long way to say that maybe the kids are the "way to go". does your husband have any old pictures of himself with G. that his friends children might not have seen? maybe he could share them with the kids with a note " i was thinking of your dad and wanted to share this old picture of us" etc you get the drift.&nbsp;</p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/i-need-some-advice-please#post-2305687 Tue, 31 Jan 2023 16:38:04 +0000 Gail 2305687@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Late as usual to this . I agree with many other suggestions. Continue to check in and send some cards.<br />&nbsp;Such a tough time for your husband, losing such a great friend, also a confusing &nbsp;situation that both of you find yourselves in . You've done all that you can and now you wait.</p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/i-need-some-advice-please#post-2305672 Tue, 31 Jan 2023 15:36:05 +0000 Helena 2305672@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Lisa, you've got great advice here which I agree with, so just chiming in to say it sounds like you've done what you can to be present and supportive, and I agree with others that I think it's fine to leave the ball in her court now.&nbsp;</p> <p>So sorry for DH; that's incredibly sad to lose such a lifelong friend. xx </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/i-need-some-advice-please#post-2305653 Tue, 31 Jan 2023 13:50:00 +0000 unfrumped 2305653@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Very late to this, but echoing the previous advice and especially the occasional card by old- fashion mail. So much less intrusive -for a grieving person, text just pops up at you , and in midern life ther IS an expectation that it should be acknowledged at least; phone messages can be jarring when every nerve is hurting. But a card, the recipient has more control whether even to open it and when, and you as the sender don’t have to “ say “ much at all.<br /> Meanwhile you can focus on what helps your husband and also that this is painful for you too— it’s not the same of course, but we all feel a type of hurt and anxiety when we can’t seem to help someone. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/i-need-some-advice-please#post-2305644 Tue, 31 Jan 2023 13:29:25 +0000 LJP 2305644@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I can’t thank you all enough for your thoughts , comments , suggestions . It’s been incredibly helpful and calming . </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/i-need-some-advice-please#post-2305643 Tue, 31 Jan 2023 13:26:03 +0000 RobinF 2305643@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>So sorry for what you and your husband are going through. Death and grieving are so difficult. And what a huge gap this will be for your husband. Sounds simplistic, but I wonder if he would like going through pictures from the days with them? I know that helps me when I have lost someone.</p> <p>If I put myself in J's place, I think I might be the withdraw type of griever so I can understand where she may just need time before she can deal with anything other than what is absolutely necessary. I agree with the advice to keep the door open. I kind of like Peri's idea of using mail instead of text, but maybe an occasional text so she CAN respond easily if she wants to in the future.&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/i-need-some-advice-please#post-2305607 Tue, 31 Jan 2023 08:35:34 +0000 Sisi 2305607@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Something similar is happening to me. A person I know lost her mother at the beginning of 2022.&nbsp; We are not really friends but know each other since ever. I messaged her many times, offered support, invited her for a coffee together, for a chat ... You know, this sort of things. Polite answers, such as "thank you" and little else. I decided to stop. </p> <p>As other have already said, people react differently to grief. You have done&nbsp;all what you could do, you are a good friend.&nbsp; J will get back to you when and<b> if</b> she will feel like doing so, but I would not have expectations.&nbsp;<br />I am terribly sorry for your husband and you.&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/i-need-some-advice-please#post-2305575 Tue, 31 Jan 2023 04:00:31 +0000 Barbara Diane 2305575@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>No advice that hasn’t been given already regarding J and her family, but please take good care of yourself and your husband. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/i-need-some-advice-please#post-2305567 Tue, 31 Jan 2023 03:14:19 +0000 Janet 2305567@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I’m so very sorry. It’s got to be very hard for your husband, and also by extension for you.</p> <p>I agree with Angie. People react differently to grief and some people retreat to cope. You’ve done more than your part, and you are a good friend for it. Maybe one of the times in the future when you reach out she will respond but I would have no expectations. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/i-need-some-advice-please#post-2305564 Tue, 31 Jan 2023 03:02:45 +0000 Sal 2305564@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I can't give any more advice than what has been given sadly</p> <p>My cousin lost his wife last year - he is my age and she was younger - cancer too&nbsp; I reached out prior to her passing and after - and have received no response from him - after talking to his sisters I know it has just been too overwhelming for him to deal with extended family - dealing with his inner circle has been all he can do-</p> <p>In your case - your husband definitely was the inner circle and it is very hard for him&nbsp; - it's just downright tragic all round- and I too cannot imagine what G's wife is going through </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/i-need-some-advice-please#post-2305559 Tue, 31 Jan 2023 02:32:41 +0000 Echo 2305559@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Lisa, I am so sorry. I can understand how your Dh is beside himself, especially being cut off from anything at all related to his friend. You sound like you have been a good friend/acquaintence and have offered to be of service in any way.</p> <p>But I know from experience that some people, like my own mum, withdraw deeply and tightly while grieving. My mum isn't a trusting person by nature, and while grieving, she assumes that others are pitying her or being condescending in some way, even when there is absolutely no indication that they have that attitude at all. She just withdraws even more tightly and responds to nothing and no one. Sometimes relationships recover from this; sometimes they don't.</p> <p>I am not sure you have much choice in this, as she sounds like she has made her choice. I think it isn't a bad idea to gently reach out ocasionally, but I wouldn't expect a response. I'm so sorry for your and your Dh's loss and for the abrupt severing of a longtime relationship.&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/i-need-some-advice-please#post-2305548 Tue, 31 Jan 2023 01:42:41 +0000 Peri 2305548@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I'm in the back off lightly camp. She just may be in a position where she doesn't have the energy to maintain relationships. Maybe all she can handle is contact with her closest friends and family.</p> <p>I'd go the route where it is accepted that no response is necessary...send cards, regular old snail mail, of the "thinking of you" variety. Once a month maybe. I think even a text carries the pressure of a response she may not currently be able to give, whereas a card keeps the door open without adding any pressure. Think about how not answering or getting an answer on a text feels rude because the response is technically so easy to make and the communication is&nbsp; immediate. A text is considered to be on the level of a conversation. Cards don't carry that same level of intrusion.&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/i-need-some-advice-please#post-2305533 Tue, 31 Jan 2023 01:14:13 +0000 Anonymous 2305533@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Thought of something else- dealing with estate stuff, on top of grief, is a lot. </p> <p>FIL has given me and DH a Huge list of what we will need to do when he passes, and as organized as he is, we will still need to take off work for at least a month to do it all. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/i-need-some-advice-please#post-2305529 Tue, 31 Jan 2023 01:04:23 +0000 Brooklyn 2305529@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I’m very sorry. I think you’ve got good advice. Hang in there and send the occasional message. Let her know you are still thinking of her and that the door is always open. It’s still very early days. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/i-need-some-advice-please#post-2305521 Tue, 31 Jan 2023 00:35:31 +0000 Anonymous 2305521@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Lots of good advice here! I wouldn't take it personally, and suspect she'll reach out when she's ready. You've let her know you're there for her- that's all you can do right now. Hang in there! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/i-need-some-advice-please#post-2305520 Tue, 31 Jan 2023 00:34:29 +0000 April 2305520@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I think you're onto something, LJP, when you ask if this is how it goes when the friendship is between the men and not the women.&nbsp; Short answer: yes.&nbsp;&nbsp;</p> <p>I'm inclined to say that when you're not sure what a person needs, ask.&nbsp; You might not get an answer but you yourself will know you tried.</p> <p>Also wondering if G had other childhood friends who were skipped over in the celebration of life, and if they might like to gather together (in an unofficial way) to create a more satisfying acknowledgement of this tremendous loss to them all.&nbsp;&nbsp; </p> <p>ETA: the site Modern Loss is an excellent resource for these sorts of questions.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a rel="nofollow" href="https://modernloss.com/">https://modernloss.com/</a></p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/i-need-some-advice-please#post-2305519 Tue, 31 Jan 2023 00:32:36 +0000 LJP 2305519@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Thank you all for your thoughts. &nbsp;It's really appreciated. &nbsp;</p> <p>StagF - it's disrespectful of you to not honour my previous requests. &nbsp;It makes me unhappy and frustrated. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/i-need-some-advice-please#post-2305518 Tue, 31 Jan 2023 00:27:10 +0000 Irina 2305518@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>What a sad situation, Lisa. I probably would back up and keep in touch with holiday wishes like Easter or Christmas and birthdays. If she feels like it, she might communicate in the future, right now maybe she wants to be alone or with her family.&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/i-need-some-advice-please#post-2305506 Mon, 30 Jan 2023 23:41:05 +0000 slim cat 2305506@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I'm so sorry - it's all heartbreaking. No advice - just what others suggested. The private commemoration sounds like the best idea for now. Condolences to your husband and you, and the healing thoughts as well.&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/i-need-some-advice-please#post-2305499 Mon, 30 Jan 2023 23:19:17 +0000 NancyW 2305499@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>It is impossible to guess what she is thinking/feeling or to get to the ‘why’ of it all. Angie has good advice here. I would mark a few days over the next few months on which to mail a card or note from the two of you. Perhaps a week or so before or after G’s birthday or some day on which we are all supposed to be aligned in our experiences, like Valentine’s Day. Let her know she is in your thoughts. You and your husband can concentrate taking care of each other. This is a terrible loss, condolences to the two of you. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/i-need-some-advice-please#post-2305497 Mon, 30 Jan 2023 23:12:03 +0000 Suz 2305497@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>This sounds really tough, <b>Lisa</b>. And especially hard for your husband. I'll bet your daughter is upset, too. These are important memories for you all.&nbsp;</p> <p>It sounds as if you have done everything. you could do to show your intention to support. And also sounds like G's wife is not able to connect at this time. As others have said, people process grief in so many different ways.&nbsp;</p> <p>I think I'd do what <b>Angie</b> suggests -- reach out lightly but less frequently, and if she doesn't respond, so be it.&nbsp; Just saying you are thinking of her is a kindness.&nbsp;</p> <p>Meanwhile, your DH might want or need some kind of private commemoration -- even just going through the old photos or spending an hour or two remembering aloud what fun you had together, back in the day. He must be missing his friend. He may lean more on you, emotionally, too, which can be an adjustment. He was fortunate to have such a solid friendship; lots of men don't. But I know when Mr. Suz lost his best friend of many years to an aggressive cancer when both were in their 50s, it was really tough on him.&nbsp;</p> <p>A few years ago, we visited with the friend's wife in the US (this was pre-Covid), not having seen her since her husband's death, and it was really healing for all of us. But there was some considerable time between the death and our visit.&nbsp; </p>