https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-not-to-be-resentful Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Thu, 30 Apr 2026 02:04:29 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-not-to-be-resentful/page/2#post-886244 Sat, 23 Mar 2013 03:06:02 +0000 MsMary 886244@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Coming back with more hugs and some wine!<br /> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-not-to-be-resentful/page/2#post-883824 Thu, 21 Mar 2013 01:48:50 +0000 Kalli 883824@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ This is a late reply but if you ever want to talk PM me. I have gone through a lot of the same issues as you except I do have siblings to lean on (that itself creates complications) since they indulge my mother too much which makes her guilt me into giving her a lot of money for luxuries. We have to remember to take care of ourselves. Like Rae my parents saved nothing for retirement and my mom says that is why she had 4 kids. Seriously? Anyhow I have run the entire gamut of resentfulness even though I know you and I are good giving people. At some point it's you first and him second! Take time to yourself. https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-not-to-be-resentful/page/2#post-881170 Mon, 18 Mar 2013 17:12:55 +0000 Kristin L 881170@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I'm sorry Anna. I'm sending you big hugs! https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-not-to-be-resentful/page/2#post-879667 Sat, 16 Mar 2013 21:26:21 +0000 Traci 879667@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I'm sorry to be blunt, but you just have to change this pattern for your own sake. You're not his credit card company. I'm sure there are years of history to be undone here, but start on it now. You owe it to him, as well as yourself to set some clear boundaries. The set up you've got here is not going to work out for anyone in then end.</p> <p>My bottom line answer to how to not be resentful is to not give anything that you'd be upset about if you don't get it back. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-not-to-be-resentful/page/2#post-879592 Sat, 16 Mar 2013 18:33:45 +0000 annagybe 879592@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Well I have to do some more financial jiggling. My Dad doesn't have enough to cover his own health insurance. He said he'll pay me back. Sigh. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-not-to-be-resentful/page/2#post-879400 Sat, 16 Mar 2013 03:22:38 +0000 MsMary 879400@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Oh my gosh, Anna! That looks amazing! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-not-to-be-resentful/page/2#post-879298 Sat, 16 Mar 2013 01:11:18 +0000 annagybe 879298@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Thanks everyone for all your support and advice. I'm already in a better head space now after a few days space from Dad.</p> <p>ETA I think I found my next solo vacation</p> <p><a href="http://www.mountaintrek.com/bc-fitness-weight-loss-retreat/" rel="nofollow">http://www.mountaintrek.com/bc.....s-retreat/</a> </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-not-to-be-resentful/page/2#post-879247 Sat, 16 Mar 2013 00:07:00 +0000 MsMary 879247@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Just coming back, Anna, for a Friday afternoon hug! Hang in there! Better days are coming! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-not-to-be-resentful/page/2#post-878976 Fri, 15 Mar 2013 16:13:19 +0000 rae 878976@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Like Zap, I have my own issues with letting go of resentment. For me, I find it is harder to let go because deep down I am mad at myself for allowing certain treatment. It is not only okay but also healthier to set boundaries. It does neither of you good to ruin your finances. DH and I fear for the future, because neither of my parents saved a dime for retirement... but at the same time, we simply don't have the capacity to fund four retirements between the two of us. You need to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-not-to-be-resentful/page/2#post-878393 Fri, 15 Mar 2013 00:05:41 +0000 Nicole D 878393@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Hi Anna</p> <p>Sounds like now that your father is out of your place you are taking stock and finding a big imbalance in the ledger. I just want to give you permission to set limits on the time, energy and money that you spend on your dad. There are likely to be more caregiving demands in the future and you need to pace yourself or get burnt out. The long term care insurance is probably a good investment - but otherwise limits have to be set.</p> <p>I would tell any family member/caregiver that their first responsibility is to themselves and their own families. That is true whether you are single or married with kids. You NEED to have time and energy to put into your own relationships and activities, and by the way, that is just as important as anyone's "auspicious" whatever. If you already made the switch for long weekend, probably too late to change, but just think of the money you'll save (hopefully some holiday premium pay too). In the future you must make your own plans a priority and let others work around it.</p> <p>I appreciate your honesty and it bodes well that you are insightful and aware of your own needs. Now keep them in mind as you rebuild your financial and emotional stockpile.</p> <p>Big hugs! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-not-to-be-resentful#post-878317 Thu, 14 Mar 2013 23:20:44 +0000 Classically Casual 878317@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>You've gotten lots of good advice, &amp; I'll just add one more thought...older parents are a moving target.</p> <p>DH &amp; I are both only children..it's been quite an interesting 10 years. Only my mom at age 95 is left. She, &amp; therefore my dad too, was very proactive about staying ahead of the curve, moving into a retirement place sooner rather than later, giving up her car, etc. DH's parents were both in denial, both had dementia for some time, and fought their son every step of the way, even though he had their very best interests at heart. Every decision was excruciating. </p> <p>For your future sanity &amp; to preserve a good relationship with your dad, I hope you'll be able to start doing some long range planning with him. He'll probably resist, but at least you'll have planted the seed, and can discuss finances in terms of long term needs too. Be sure all the legal documents are in place , but you already know that. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-not-to-be-resentful#post-878230 Thu, 14 Mar 2013 22:05:47 +0000 catgirl 878230@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Hi Anna, I'm sorry to be posting so late - I just spent two days helping my friend whose husband is terminal. In any case, you've gotten so much great advice and support here. I'm going to add some general thoughts since other people are interested, but if you want specific input, pm me and I'll give that privately.</p> <p>First, you are not alone or at fault for your feelings in any way. You are in an extremely hard position. I don't know your history or his financial situation (and you don't have to tell me, of course!), so I'm going to be general. I see a lot of folks who feel resentful taking care of a parent, and more so if the parent was not always there for them. Only children have it even harder. Often the parent is losing capacity - which may or may not be happening in obvious ways - and that adds to the frustration. They are afraid to go out or do things on their own because they know something's wrong, but can't admit it openly. If that's the case, I'd suggest asking your dad's doctor to recommend a neuropsych eval to see if he's got some depression or impairment going on that can be addressed. </p> <p>If, on the other hand, he's always been a PITA this way (or even if he does need additional help), you'll have to make some hard decisions about where you want to draw some boundaries. </p> <p>Drop him off at the local senior center. If he hates that, tell him his options are limited unless he chips in somehow. You should not be in debt for his sake, and there are some programs that are set up to prevent that if he qualifies financially. An elder law attorney can really help with figuring that out, and you can find one through naela.org, the National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys. </p> <p>Consider documenting his "debt" to you in writing - for one thing, that would be a way to get paid back if he ever does sell his house or need Medicaid and has to spend down his assets. </p> <p>Talk to the elder law attorney about what resources are available in terms of respite if he qualifies financially. The Alzheimer's Association often provides such help to ALL elders on a sliding scale basis. </p> <p>If you want to tell me more about his specific situation, I can give you better pointers - for instance, if he qualifies financially, you may be able to put him in a retirement home, some of which are really nice. Or if he has the resources (though it sounds like he doesn't), you can get a paid senior companion to play cards with him or take him to the movies. </p> <p>Big hugs to you - this is more and more common, and there IS support out there if you can find the energy to pursue it. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-not-to-be-resentful#post-878068 Thu, 14 Mar 2013 19:12:54 +0000 Anonymous 878068@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>What an incredibly interesting conversation. I don't resent my parents at this point in our relationship, but I do resent other close family members who conduct a very one-sided relationship with my parents that leaves them hurting and me frustrated. The insight given here is so helpful.</p> <p>Jonesy's comments about reciprocity in relationships really hit home. </p> <p>Anyway, carry on, everyone. Keep the sage advice coming. I'm all ears, too! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-not-to-be-resentful#post-878043 Thu, 14 Mar 2013 18:34:47 +0000 Jonesy 878043@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I'm sorry, Anna. I think what Angie wrote is spot-on, though it can be easier said than done to shift our expectations and wants, especially related to our parents! I wonder about mulling over how much you are willing to give? In other words, think about what you are comfortably able to give, with absolutely no strings attached (i.e., no expectations about getting anything in return), and give no more than that.</p> <p>I am a real stickler about reciprocity in relationships. I don't mean a tally or a tit for tat thing on a day-by-day basis, and of course there will be periods of time in which one person is doing most of the giving, but over the long haul I do expect that I'm not always going to be giving and never receiving. It's not fair to me and it's just wrong. Have you heard that thing about how in every relationship, there is a flower and a gardener? Well, I need to be the flower sometimes, and the gardener sometimes! So if I'm feeling resentful, I have to examine the balance of the relationship and then have a direct talk about everything, and perhaps pull back a bit on my "output."</p> <p>Just my two cents. Good luck. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-not-to-be-resentful#post-877994 Thu, 14 Mar 2013 17:51:03 +0000 rebekahphoto 877994@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Hi Anna,</p> <p>I am sending as many good vibes as I can your way! I hope your generosity at work is reciprocated one day for you. </p> <p>I too have aging parents, and my father had another heart attack 2 weeks ago. Caring for him, and my mom is time consuming as well as emotionally draining. As the elder child with no kids, (my brother has 1+ ) I am the one to help my parents whenever and with whatever they need. Thankfully they are appreciative, but I understand the stress of feeling UNappreciated at work, at home, with inlaws, etc...</p> <p>I agree with Angie, in lowering what we expect from others, the disappointment and resentment we feel can be lowered as well. At their age, our parents wont likely change. And the changes mentally with age also make dealings with them difficult</p> <p>** if you can swing it, I highly recommend a few hours at the O-Spa (lynnwood) to work WONDERS on both the physical and emotional! a full body korean scrub seems to somehow lessen the stressful thoughts running through the mind.....! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-not-to-be-resentful#post-877660 Thu, 14 Mar 2013 06:02:36 +0000 CocoLion 877660@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>So sorry you are being drained this way. It seems like you have to be the adult in this relationship. Can you just keep it "light and polite" with your father for a while? </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-not-to-be-resentful#post-877602 Thu, 14 Mar 2013 03:36:51 +0000 Tanya 877602@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I am so sorry to hear you are going through this Anna! Sending you a big hug and wish I could help.</p> <p>Parents can be really tough to deal with, especially when they get older. I love mine, but as quite happy they are on a different continent with an ocean between us. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-not-to-be-resentful#post-877439 Thu, 14 Mar 2013 01:21:48 +0000 Gaylene 877439@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Anna, I just wanted to chime in to echo what Angie wrote. Wise advice, especially the part about lowering your expectations so you don't feel so disappointed and resentful at your Dad's behavior. Sometimes I think that aging sharpens and accentuates all of our character traits, especially the negative ones. But your Dad is your Dad, and, as Angie says, he is not going to change at his age. And having him as a dependent instead of the adult is a hard role reversal for both of you and just complicates the relationship.</p> <p>Once I realized that my mother was not the person I remembered from my childhood and adolescence, it was easier to accept her as she is today. Instead of getting angry and upset, I could just laugh at some of her quirks and say "no" to some of her demands. I love her enough to want to keep her in my life, but I had to change, not her. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-not-to-be-resentful#post-877422 Thu, 14 Mar 2013 01:05:44 +0000 missvee 877422@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I really sympathize with your situation. I'm an only child too with an elderly mother who can be quite demanding. I've had to carve out my own time, because otherwise if I jumped every time she wanted something, my feet would never touch the ground. We've also supported her financially at times, but we had the money to do it, so it didn't seem unreasonable. She depends on me a great deal and while it can be very draining I'm also happy that I can help her. Sometimes I rant to my husband, but he has own troubles with his mother so we often end up having a good laugh at their antics.<br /> From what you've told us about your dad it sounds like he 's quite content with his life, and by stalling on the renos to his home he's able to avoid making any major changes. Angie's right that a little time and distance will help. Take care of yourself. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-not-to-be-resentful#post-877346 Wed, 13 Mar 2013 23:59:23 +0000 Suz 877346@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Yes, Anna, also wanted to add....last year when my mother broke her foot and ankle and I ended up staying to care for her for a month, I had very similar feelings because honestly, she was totally unreasonable about the whole thing. And it was a huge burden on me and my brother, and she made things difficult in every possible way. But the only thing that really helped was a bit of time and space. You WILL feel a bit better in a few weeks when you have had a chance to breathe again. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-not-to-be-resentful#post-877336 Wed, 13 Mar 2013 23:54:46 +0000 Angie 877336@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Sorry things have been hard, Anna. Being in this type of situation is never easy and feelings of resentment are understandable. They *will* fester and that's not good. I'm please you posted because you don't want to be resentful. That's positive. Well done :)</p> <p>I've learnt that the roles reverse when parents are older. YOU become the nurturing and caring adult with a dependent. Dad is now like "the child" who is very much dependent on you. This new dynamic means a whole new shift in thinking, and an increased level of patience. </p> <p>My feelings are like Dana's. Dad is in his 80s and not going to change. You have to lose the battles and win the wars, which means changing your attitude towards Dad - I know it's very hard to do and I'm still working on changing my own attitude. Remember that resentment comes from feelings of disappointment. Disappointment is a result of an unfulfilled expectation. Lower the expectation and you'll lower the level of disappointment. That's the simplistic mechanics of it. </p> <p>Again, I know this is really hard to do. You need a little space from Dad too. That you have managed to accomplish. Now you need to surround yourself with nurturing friends. TLC and Anna Time is in order. xo </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-not-to-be-resentful#post-877267 Wed, 13 Mar 2013 22:58:59 +0000 ironkurtin 877267@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Anna, I hate to say this but your father is unlikely to change. All you can do is change your attitude towards him so what he does doesn't bother you. (So hard, I know.)</p> <p>You are a good daughter to take care of your father, whether he appreciates what you are doing or not. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-not-to-be-resentful#post-877207 Wed, 13 Mar 2013 21:50:58 +0000 Suz 877207@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Anna, so sorry you are dealing with this. It is very difficult to be the "adults" when our parents act like children and make demands. And of course you want a social life. You deserve to have one as much as the next person. I think it is easier to get pushed into saying yes to things you'd rather refuse when you are feeling low and miserable. But standing up for your own needs will help you and everyone around you in the long run. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-not-to-be-resentful#post-877000 Wed, 13 Mar 2013 17:34:53 +0000 Glory 877000@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>oh Anna - I am sorry you are feeling this way and I can totally relate. If Una has any advice I would also like to hear it. I agree you don't always have to say yes and it sounds like a mini getaway would be good. virtual hug being sent </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-not-to-be-resentful#post-876700 Wed, 13 Mar 2013 13:34:09 +0000 Janet 876700@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Anna, I don't blame you one little bit for feeling the way you do! You have gone above and beyond for your dad. </p> <p>I'm wondering if this may be helpful to you: </p> <p><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Coping-Your-Difficult-Older-Parent/dp/038079750X" rel="nofollow">http://www.amazon.com/Coping-Y.....038079750X</a></p> <p>I am usually skeptical about self-help books, but I found it at an incredibly appropriate time in my life, and this book, combined with some counseling, really led to a revelation in my relationship with my mother. We had almost always gotten along, but it was mainly because I always did what she needed/wanted me to do because I was the "good" daughter who was always there for her. My feelings about this got much more complicated after I got married and had a husband who was also demanding my time and attention, and my mother's health and ability to do everything for herself began to decline. </p> <p>I also second everything MaryK said! You need a break. I also wish I lived closer so I could take you out for drinks too! </p> <p>Big hugs, Anna. These feelings are telling you that it's time to do something different. It may be hard to say no at first, but as long as you do it with love and respect for yourself and others, you all will be better off in the long run. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-not-to-be-resentful#post-876519 Wed, 13 Mar 2013 05:13:13 +0000 Caro in Oz 876519@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Just wanted to say if I was in your situation I would feel p****** too.<br /> Anna, as a parent I can't imagine letting my daughter pay for the things you pay for with your father. Just saying. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-not-to-be-resentful#post-876386 Wed, 13 Mar 2013 02:34:56 +0000 Isabel 876386@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Anna, I am sorry for all this. I have to agree with MaryK. You don't and SHOULDN'T say yes to everything. You will get some pushback at first, but you need to do it. Start small to practice saying no. Like MaryK, I have been there too. In fact, a nun that I was close to once told me that there is a difference between being kind/generous and being a doormat. She told me that I was a doormat. A NUN told me that !!!!! ( Sorry for the excitement there. )</p> <p>Please remember that you make the ultimate decisions. With much respect, it is fantastic that you help with dental and or medical problems, but you might reconsider the expensive vacations. You don't need to provide luxuries regularly or even at all. Tell yourself that you gave freely. But you don't need to provide a lifestyle, just a decent , basic life. </p> <p>Una will offer you great advice. Good Luck, sweetie. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-not-to-be-resentful#post-876382 Wed, 13 Mar 2013 02:32:55 +0000 deb 876382@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I am sending 'hugs'. I wish I could do more. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-not-to-be-resentful#post-876349 Wed, 13 Mar 2013 02:17:09 +0000 Krista 876349@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Anna, I'm an only child as well and it's tough being the only one managing the needs of parents. I hear you and I feel for you! I agree with some of the suggestions for therapy to help you work through the resentment because short-term therapy actually worked for me! I just got a little more perspective to work through some of the issues. I'm not sure if it's an option for you but maybe when you have regained some of your finances you could reconsider it? I'm not trying to fluff off these difficulties by saying "Do therapy, you'll feel better" because I know it's more complicated than that. But as only children, we don't have as much family support as others might have and we need to take care of ourselves. Take care! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-not-to-be-resentful#post-876340 Wed, 13 Mar 2013 02:12:41 +0000 MsMary 876340@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Anna, you don't have to say "yes" to every request. You are a giving and caring person, but honestly -- it's okay to say "no!" People will learn to respect your events but you have to teach them to do so!</p> <p>Took me a super long time to learn it but life got a lot better once I did!</p> <p>BIG HUGS!! I wish I lived up there -- I would so be taking you out for drinks right now!!! XXX OOO </p>