https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-early-is-too-early Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Sat, 18 Apr 2026 20:46:40 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-early-is-too-early/page/2#post-2251237 Tue, 08 Feb 2022 14:52:03 +0000 Theodora 2251237@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>A 21 year-old is a “child”? &nbsp;I would hope that they would be responsible for their own hair at this age, unless disabled. &nbsp;Are any of the children actually children? &nbsp;Just saying that the immediacy of needing communication replies is very different for a 21 year old, or even 17 year old than an 8 year old…</p> <p>I also have “Do not Disturb” or now it is called “Sleep” on my iPhone, on until after 8:30 AM, from 10 PM. &nbsp;That being said, I have my daughters and sister, who takes care of my mother, on the “allowed notifications “ list, which are the only calls or texts that would be let through, in case of emergency.</p> <p>I really feel for you. &nbsp;There is not much control for you in this situation, other than your reaction. &nbsp;Your best option would seem to be stepping back and not engaging, leaving that to your husband, but you will probably be simmering inside. &nbsp;So go punch a punching bag, or whatever, and imagine her face, lol! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-early-is-too-early/page/2#post-2251075 Sun, 06 Feb 2022 18:23:23 +0000 RoseandJoan 2251075@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I hope this doesn't sound like I'm infantilising your fiance because that isn't my intention at all. It just appears that by placing rules around how you engage with his ex you may be modelling boundary setting in an approachable way for your fiance given his trauma. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-early-is-too-early/page/2#post-2251002 Sat, 05 Feb 2022 21:38:18 +0000 Stagiaire Fash 2251002@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Another high five! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-early-is-too-early/page/2#post-2250992 Sat, 05 Feb 2022 20:11:41 +0000 chewyspaghetti 2250992@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>The early text isn't an on going issue and I have things managed on my phone. </p> <p>It's a nice idea to say "Let him deal with it", but the reality of that was that she bullied him into things he didn't really agree with, or in his trauma response he would forget we had something else we had committed to already, or she would pepper him with insults instead of confirming plans and we would be caught off guard by what she thought we had agreed to. He's asked me to be a part of this to support him in getting to a place where they can communicate effectively, and I have agreed to it. For the most part, it's better than it was. Sometimes, we have these hiccups. Then it continues improving. She is starting to realize the things she says are not ok- and that's huge.<br /> She's more than a little bit of a bully. He believes she has borderline personality disorder, and I don't disagree. He's more than a little traumatized by his relationship with her. We're working through it all. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-early-is-too-early/page/2#post-2250991 Sat, 05 Feb 2022 19:52:53 +0000 Stagiaire Fash 2250991@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>You helped me through a job interview; when they mentioned that help is available for noobs, but you might have to wait, the strategy of sending just a question mark was at the front of my brain, so I laughed and said I wouldn’t do that. I think that scored me some points, so high five! </p> <p>Not that I’ve ever made a long-term relationship work, but I think my tendency would be to calmly step in and gently protect, because the man in the middle is likely to be more wounded by the attacks because of their joint past history. Stepping back sounds great, but festering in her own juices clearly just gets her more upset. Unfrumped’s suggestion of warmth might work there—starting interactions with a positive about the kids or something she’s done with/for them. One thing to keep in mind might be the advice for couples arguing: if “you” or “I” win, then “we” loose. Both need to be on the side of “us”. In this case, the “winner” needs to be the kids, not any of the step/parents, in mho. </p> <p>I wish there was a way to set ringer volumes for different callers. I keep mine on low or off, and usually feel the buzzing. When I misplace it though, it sure would be nice if my son’s ring would be loud! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-early-is-too-early/page/2#post-2250971 Sat, 05 Feb 2022 14:23:50 +0000 Helena 2250971@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>CS, I am so sorry that you are dealing with this when you already have more than enough stress in your plate. I have no experience to offer, but just echoing the notion that you are totally entitled to set your own firm boundaries with no explanation required. It sounds like this woman enjoys stirring up controversy, so the best way to 'win' (not the right word but ykwim) is to not engage as much as possible.</p> <p>And I also think it's fair for you to expect your fiance to step up here and set firm boundaries himself. I can imagine a certain personality type sort of trying to pacify rather than engage in the name of peace ... If she's a bit of a bully and he is like this (my DH would probably be so I don't mean this judgementally), then he may have to learn to draw firm lines and cope with the backlash. In any case, I don't know if that makes sense but what I'm trying to say is, do what's yours to do, but don't take on his work or hers! You've got enough on your plate and they ultimately need to sort themselves.<br /> Hugs to you xx </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-early-is-too-early/page/2#post-2250961 Sat, 05 Feb 2022 12:31:19 +0000 RoseandJoan 2250961@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I think MsMary may be right here Kris, you are unable to control the time she messages or her passive aggressiveness but you are able set your own boundaries on if and when you respond to her message. </p> <p>Personally, I have the volume turned on for phonecalls (for emergencies) but turned off for all other apps on my mobile. I have friends and family who work Nightshift who will send a message when it's convenient to them (often before they go to bed in the morning) and I will respond when it's convenient to me. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-early-is-too-early/page/2#post-2250924 Sat, 05 Feb 2022 02:00:27 +0000 judy 2250924@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Wow, I sympathize.&nbsp; I dealt with an ex-husbands wife and communications were often challenging and yet necessary because of children...and that was before texting!&nbsp; I'm familiar with the ways someone can try to remote control your life.</p> <p>I'm all for boundaries and courtesy when considering time of texting, same as we would do with a telephone call.&nbsp; I do receive texts from people in other time zones very early in the am, but I am asleep with my phone on silent, and they know that.&nbsp; Barring an emergency, I will answer at a later more convenient time, which they also know.&nbsp; If someone isn't trying to control you, they really don't mind.&nbsp;&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-early-is-too-early/page/2#post-2250894 Fri, 04 Feb 2022 21:20:08 +0000 unfrumped 2250894@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Well— there’s a lot going on in these relationships, and a lot that can go down the tubes. And a whole lot of the responsibility goes to both of the ex’s- i<br /> and stuff involving the ex’s children is fraught. So wishing you patience and wisdom and hoping things improve over time. I am not a counselor at all but I can see why counseling can be necessary sometimes because of all the landmines.<br /> Text is a whole “ new” ( not so new now) issue for communication- benefits and burdens.<br /> I do think it’s quite hard to tell others a start and stop timeframe of acceptable text time— because that would be all over the map for all one’s different family and friends. And sometimes it might vary as to day of week. Dinner time, bedtime, all that. Plus, sometimes needs or wants to manage some text before actually being at work, so that can be a short window, too early vs wait until 6 pm. And all that is easier the better the relationship,<br /> And boundaries- that’s a good idea , but crosses over into the lack of control we have over others’ behavior, vs our reactions, as to how to actually “ set” a boundary that lessens frustrations instead of causing more. It’s very hard on you if you are trying to do boundary- setting that might need to come from your fiancé. Or which boundaries are the most important to focus on.<br /> So I also liked the advice about answering a bit later, but noticed you said something about several hours later, the text hadn’t answered - would you wanted to have it answered sooner, but just not so early?<br /> Also agree with not too much detail in replies, instructions.<br /> Another thing is how actually to communicate— text and e- mail are always tempting, first just because responding in kind- text to text etc- and it’s less in-person, sometimes one feels like having a record, and for me I might avoid saying something I didn’t intend haha! But for that reason also it’s more “ hard” than a verbal/ phone call, and usually harder to include warmth or humor and also IS more permanent, whereas spoken words, assuming not harsh, dissipate a bit. So talking “ live” has some advantages for dealing with some topics and some people. I have sometimes made myself written talking points &amp; scripted sentences for difficult phone calls when I felt the spoken word would actually be more effective ( in a variety of senses if the word) if I could stay on script! When possible I try to have “ good” or ordinary/ pleasant topic predominate and then add request for some accommodation. I might even text, hey, I’ll call you on phone in a bit. </p> <p>Sending sympathy/ empathy as have had to deal with “ difficult people” at times myself. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-early-is-too-early/page/2#post-2250809 Fri, 04 Feb 2022 01:11:43 +0000 chewyspaghetti 2250809@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I want to thank everyone for the support and thoughtful responses, and especially to Suz for sharing your own experiences.<br /> Several of you have made the recommendation of removing myself from the group text- that's not an option for me right now, unfortunately. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-early-is-too-early#post-2250802 Fri, 04 Feb 2022 00:35:09 +0000 Flytigress 2250802@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>That would be way too early for me.&nbsp; And I would let my fiance handle any communication with his ex-wife.</p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-early-is-too-early#post-2250797 Thu, 03 Feb 2022 23:22:47 +0000 Anonymous 2250797@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Firm NO from me! I'm up before 5 every day but keep my phone on do not disturb from 8 pm to 8 am- with only immediate family as allowed. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-early-is-too-early#post-2250766 Thu, 03 Feb 2022 21:00:53 +0000 Barbara Diane 2250766@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Separate from the context (so very, very sorry) no one in my life calls or texts before 9am. Nor do I, unless it is my mistake. I keep my phone on for emergencies.</p> <p>I like the idea of 1. Removing yourself from the conversation and 2. Setting a boundary such as emergency calls, which are defined as death, dismemberment, or hospitalization, are accepted anytime. All other contact is between (set hours) and will be returned at your convenience. And there is a part of me that would delay returning contact by however much time she didn’t comply.<br /> I would suggest that you insist on being removed from the texts and that if your fiancé thinks you need the info he will inform you. I also would stop answering texts, hang up calls, etc. the moment that they aren’t civil.<br /> I don’t know if there are safety or legal factors that affect your choices.<br /> Please take care of yourself. I’m so sorry your dad is in hospice. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-early-is-too-early#post-2250750 Thu, 03 Feb 2022 18:53:14 +0000 MsMary 2250750@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Honestly in this case I'd just ignore it. I feel like you can set the boundary without announcing it to her, and thus inviting debate, you know? You've learned that calling her out doesn't have the desired effect, so just proceed as convenient to you and ignore any tantrums. </p> <p>ETA: If there were a problematic ex-wife in my life I would leave her completely to my husband. Life's too short!</p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-early-is-too-early#post-2250746 Thu, 03 Feb 2022 18:18:48 +0000 Suz 2250746@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>This is a really tricky situation. As someone who also dealt with an enmeshed ex who had no boundaries -- but in the years before cell phones -- I felt an immediate clutching in my stomach at the thought of having to deal with this problem now, in an age of instant messaging! It was bad enough back then. My issue was the 8 am Sunday morning phone call to my partner to come and fix the ex's computer right now (and similar). We also had the ongoing demands to deal with problems that were actually between said ex and the kids. And I thought I had it bad! Little did I know.&nbsp;</p> <p>LIke others, I have my phone set to do not disturb (except for certain numbers) so I don't have to deal with texts at times I don't want them. I'm part of a group chat in Ontario with friends who are often up and talking before I'm ready to engage. I'm also of the Rachy school of thought. Just because someone texts doesn't mean it deserves an immediate reply. So I will turn off notifications when I'm working or otherwise engaged.&nbsp;</p> <p>I think in your situation, the best policy is to state your boundaries (no texts before or after a certain hour) and also to do as Jules says and remove yourself from the group chat. You have more important issues to deal with at the moment with your father and do not need this aggravation. If it has up to now been assumed you'll be part of the chat because some of the discussion involves you, you can just gracefully bow out by saying you are dealing with a family matter and need to focus on that. You don't even have to give her the details.&nbsp;</p> <p> </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-early-is-too-early#post-2250727 Thu, 03 Feb 2022 16:53:19 +0000 Janet 2250727@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Oh, just read more of the context, and I'm sorry you're having to deal with that. Definitely set your boundaries. You have enough to deal with! I don't understand how people can be so self-centered and rude.&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-early-is-too-early#post-2250726 Thu, 03 Feb 2022 16:52:09 +0000 Stagiaire Fash 2250726@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Good luck deciding how much you want to be involved in their lives, and how to keep your sanity intact while you do so! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-early-is-too-early#post-2250725 Thu, 03 Feb 2022 16:51:40 +0000 Janet 2250725@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Non-urgent texts at 6:30am would get a response later in the morning from me. Even if I'm awake then, I'm not inclined to encourage that by giving a quick response. IMHO that's too early. I don't text anyone unless it's urgent or expected until 8am.&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-early-is-too-early#post-2250720 Thu, 03 Feb 2022 16:18:38 +0000 JAileen 2250720@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Well, that’s too bad. &nbsp;I would ignore the text until I felt like responding. &nbsp;Pushing me around only makes me more stubborn. &nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-early-is-too-early#post-2250718 Thu, 03 Feb 2022 16:09:32 +0000 Jules 2250718@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Can you remove yourself from the group chat (and the overall situation) or at least mute it while your father is in hospice? It sounds like there are some long standing dynamics that are not going to change overnight. You could choose to disengage and let your husband deal with it on his own for a while. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-early-is-too-early#post-2250715 Thu, 03 Feb 2022 15:24:53 +0000 Anonymous 2250715@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I have to leave my phone on at night as it’s alarm sounds and wakes me up if my blood glucose is too low or high and I need to take action. &nbsp;Anything before 9am Mountain Time is too early for a message as I hear it pinging,. &nbsp;If I could turn off the phone or put it in another room earlier would be ok but that can’t happen. DDIL uses her phone for a child’s room monitor, another reason why a phone can not be turned off at night. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-early-is-too-early#post-2250713 Thu, 03 Feb 2022 15:13:49 +0000 chewyspaghetti 2250713@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>SF, I wish it were not nefarious. The whole haircut thing was contrived because he didn't answer her message on IG about their 21 year old's messy room. (His not responding to her is a whole other issue....it's not ok, and I've told him so). She tries to drag him into issues that are between her and the kids in the name of co-parenting. This is one place where he has been able to set boundaries with her, he just needs to state it clearly. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-early-is-too-early#post-2250708 Thu, 03 Feb 2022 13:32:37 +0000 RobinF 2250708@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I would assume something that early is an emergency. Personally I try to wait until after 8am.&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-early-is-too-early#post-2250699 Thu, 03 Feb 2022 08:00:45 +0000 Stagiaire Fash 2250699@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Peri has a great point about not being able to select just a few numbers when a loved one is in a care facility. Even regular schools and preschools my son was in sometimes called from different numbers, or some teachers used their cell phones. </p> <p>Just to balance things out, and because I believe in believing the best, I’m going to try to see it from the ex’s perspective: she has xyz set up, but then these appts for the kids are necessary and she has to rejigger—or does she? Maybe he could take them at a different time, and then the whole thing works out—yay! (Or maybe it’s the other way around—haircut appts made weeks ago, friend called yesterday to invite her to Happy Hour, so she’d have to change appts). Can he do it? Shoot a quick text &amp; find out. </p> <p>Or something like that. Point is, maybe it isn’t about the haircuts (unless she’s debating styles); maybe it’s about having control over her day, or getting to do something she really wants to. </p> <p>I’m still learning to set boundaries with my family. One thing I’ve figured out is there is no changing other peoples behavior; we have to choose our responses in a way that limit unwanted interactions. I understand the delicacy of this situation though—you probably don’t want to cut yourself out of future discussions of the kids &amp; their schedules.</p> <p>Final thought: different people have different preferences/assumptions. I don’t ever just pick up the phone and call my friend at work (the one exception being after our visit when I was done with my business in his town and wanted a hug before heading out; he picked up &amp; said he was in a mtg at the mayor’s office, couldn’t talk. I skipped asking for a hug, obviously). I always text and ask when a good time to call is, even when I can see misunderstandings and hurt feelings building in our texts, because I want to be respectful of his work. Yesterday he listed out everything he had going on and said it’s actually easier for him to have my call pop up in the middle of the flow than it is for him to schedule it, and please understand if he’s in a meeting right then. Fine by me—actually easier to call just whenever I feel like it. But I’m genuinely surprised that my efforts to be considerate of his busy life were so off-base. Could it be that she doesn’t want to interrupt your work, or assumes you want to get your day set up in advance, or has some other genuine, non-nefarious assumptions going on? </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-early-is-too-early#post-2250696 Thu, 03 Feb 2022 06:54:32 +0000 rachylou 2250696@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>And I’d remind her about the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-early-is-too-early#post-2250695 Thu, 03 Feb 2022 06:53:35 +0000 rachylou 2250695@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>So… I have my phone on permanently do not disturb. People can call or text anytime they want; I check when I want. I was born long before the wireless phone so I am frankly callous about emergencies. People really abuse the phone these days (hello… ‘about my car warranty’…). I would certainly not reply at 6:30 am to her, even if I let the text message alert go through just in case. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-early-is-too-early#post-2250692 Thu, 03 Feb 2022 05:53:18 +0000 Jenn 2250692@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>This is especially annoying because as long as she shares custody, she's probably someone who legitimately needs to be able to get through to you and your fiancé in an emergency. It's not like you can just block her or mute her calls in off hours. I think it's perfectly reasonable to tell her that's an inappropriate time and you'd prefer if she respected those boundaries. </p> <p>Or you could start setting an alarm for 3am to ask her your own questions. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-early-is-too-early#post-2250689 Thu, 03 Feb 2022 05:30:20 +0000 slim cat 2250689@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Hate early texts/calls before 7:30am - 8 am - trouble sleeping/stress related issues. Boundaries are absolute necessary and need to be followed. You have a lot on your hands and such early morning's drama is not needed. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-early-is-too-early#post-2250674 Thu, 03 Feb 2022 03:39:24 +0000 Bijou 2250674@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Too early for me unless it is from very close friends and family. For non-urgent text messages, I would wait until 8am. The only time I have received very early messages, it was generally not good news - e.g. health crisis of a loved one or fire emergency warning, so I always shudder when I hear the phone 'ping' with a very early message. </p> <p>Chewy, I just read your explanation and really sympathise - your DH's ex is at fault here. I hope things calm down, a shame you have to deal with that on top on everything else at the moment. Sending you a virtual hug.</p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-early-is-too-early#post-2250669 Thu, 03 Feb 2022 03:07:56 +0000 kellygirl 2250669@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Yes, who it’s from is important. I get work related calls at all hours but personal…unless it’s my kids or husband. Forget it—that’s too early in my opinion. If it was an emergency and not a haircut, it would be okay… </p>