https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-you-like-this-on-me-is-this-a-really-forced-analogy Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Thu, 14 May 2026 19:31:50 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-you-like-this-on-me-is-this-a-really-forced-analogy#post-857246 Fri, 22 Feb 2013 22:32:26 +0000 T-Rex 857246@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>My BFF gave me the perfect phrase for giving someone negative feedback on a clothing choice. "I've seen you look cuter" or some variant of that sentiment. This is so much easier to hear than "that is not a good look for you". I think it's because there is a compliment nested inside the negative comment. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-you-like-this-on-me-is-this-a-really-forced-analogy#post-857113 Fri, 22 Feb 2013 20:18:14 +0000 texstyle 857113@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I'd be honest if I were part of the process with them - and I'd try to help them look as best they could in what was available. If it were *after* the fact, I guess I'd focus on how THEY looked, not how the outfit looked, unless they specifically asked about the outfit, and then I'd tell them the truth in my own opinion but I'd be sure to let them know I"m not exactly a fashion trendsetter and encourage them to get more feedback. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-you-like-this-on-me-is-this-a-really-forced-analogy#post-857041 Fri, 22 Feb 2013 18:30:41 +0000 unfrumped 857041@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>So you know that the published medical research results have been shown to have a bias toward "positive" results, since negative results may not be considered as interesting or exciting, may not always be considered "news," funding bodies may be less interested in trying to "disprove" something, and in the worst case-scenario, negative results may be suppressed by the party who might be adversely affected (pharmaceutical company, for example).</p> <p>So I would imagine that YLF responses are more likely to be biased toward positive than negative. I know I am more likely to pass by a post I don't like because I'm not sure how to word it. Also I would feel kinda clueless when I would say something like, oh, this is pretty but should be smaller" and then a dozen people would say, in order to look right you need to size up! Or whatever. And I see loads of positive comments on stuff I'm just mystified about. So I figure my eye is off , or that maybe my role isn't meant to be a as a style-adjuster because I'm not as good as recognizing the range of looks for different people and goals. Although Angie has said that all kinds of yays and nays (if put nicely) can be useful feedback and of course you still make your own decision.</p> <p>Ant then there is the idea, not so much in the situation in which your friend asks about tonight's date outfit, but in questions about style direction, or even observing someone tryng new things, about how it can be really important to encourage baby steps and not kill the good because it's not perfect. </p> <p>That's something that we see in education--you know a kind of "finished product' you're looking for (though one is never finished), but a more helpful kind of guidance is often the next step or level or goal for that student or trainee that he can really start doing immediately.</p> <p>I think I see a lot of that gentle nudging on YLF (I am sure I've been gently nudged! ) and that can be so helpful, as otherwise you'd be feeling just at sea and like every outfit you have is hopeless, or that you should have 10's every day, or you have to spend a lot of money, or that tashion mistakes are to be avoided at all costs. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-you-like-this-on-me-is-this-a-really-forced-analogy#post-857036 Fri, 22 Feb 2013 18:25:35 +0000 rachylou 857036@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Suz + other have put it well: honesty and diplomacy are not mutually exclusive. Being as harsh as possible doesn't make you more truthful. It might make you, however, unhelpful.</p> <p>I felt the need to state that I am an absolutist and not a relativist. I believe in absolute truth. But I don't believe that I necessarily know it or that all matters are matters of truth. Is a duck a duck? Yes. Is that a good thing? Now that depends. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-you-like-this-on-me-is-this-a-really-forced-analogy#post-857016 Fri, 22 Feb 2013 18:11:37 +0000 Kim 857016@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Zap, I think you might be one of the rare few who can take directness and not be offended by it if it's not what you wanted to hear. I respect that, but it's rare! I've been raised "if you can't say something nice don't say anything at all" and like IK said you have to consider your audience. </p> <p>I have friends who I can be brutally honest with, they like it that way. Others need a little more gentleness due to their own issues and that's OK too. Both will get my honest opinion, if asked for, but it may sound different both times. </p> <p>Great conversation everyone, I'm really enjoying it! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-you-like-this-on-me-is-this-a-really-forced-analogy#post-856990 Fri, 22 Feb 2013 17:50:15 +0000 ironkurtin 856990@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Zap - hells no. It was a general statement. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-you-like-this-on-me-is-this-a-really-forced-analogy#post-856980 Fri, 22 Feb 2013 17:39:51 +0000 Aziraphale 856980@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Zap, I don't think diplomacy means saying what people want to hear. That's just empty praise, and people can normally see right through it. You *can* say what you really think, but there are degrees of saying what you really think that depend both on the situation and the recipient of the remarks. </p> <p>In some situations, like the one where your friend has asked your opinion of an outfit she has already worn for a special occasion and you think it's ugly, your preference might be to say nothing at all -- but if the person has directly asked for your feedback, you're going to have to say SOMETHING, right? :-)</p> <p>BTW I don't think you're an a-hole. Just honest, and I like that in a gal. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-you-like-this-on-me-is-this-a-really-forced-analogy#post-856917 Fri, 22 Feb 2013 16:10:54 +0000 Anonymous 856917@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>IK - You don't think I'm an a-hole, right? Just concerned due to comment placement </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-you-like-this-on-me-is-this-a-really-forced-analogy#post-856891 Fri, 22 Feb 2013 15:51:34 +0000 ironkurtin 856891@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Always consider your audience. Sometimes you can win points by being an a-hole. Mostly, not. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-you-like-this-on-me-is-this-a-really-forced-analogy#post-856877 Fri, 22 Feb 2013 15:33:11 +0000 Anonymous 856877@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>This is something I would never understand. I actually get quite confused when someone is trying to "tell me" their opinion ( which to me is their "truth"), and all I hear is this nice array of sofly threaded words. I get soooo confused, I actually follow up with, "Do you mind telling me exactly what you think?"</p> <p>Anyhow, I think there are other things I respect more than my silly views on life and social interactions. I think my primary goal is to respect, enhance and be of value to the lives of those around me. I would hate to hurt someone just because I have determined that people should hear what I think - in a nice way, of course- when they ask. I guess there are times when you are better off saying what people want to hear, or withold comment. Why hurt feelings?</p> <p>I am still learning, thanks for this post Mochi. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-you-like-this-on-me-is-this-a-really-forced-analogy#post-856857 Fri, 22 Feb 2013 15:11:32 +0000 Kim 856857@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Since I've been on YLF I've discovered that fashion is a very subjective thing and what I think "looks good" may not look good to another. </p> <p>If asked my opinion (and it's my opinion so it's not the "truth") I'd be honest before the fact (but with lots of positiveness and tactfullness) but I'd only say positive things after the fact since it can't be changed now and would only create disappointment in my friends mind. </p> <p>Perhaps all the other people in the world would have LOVED her look and I'm the one that has it wrong. I do have poison eye for certain things and can never see them looking good, but yet they sell and others buy them and love the and look good in them. Again, subjective. Honest opinions need to be tempered because they are only that. Opinions. Fashion changes and so do my opinions on it. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-you-like-this-on-me-is-this-a-really-forced-analogy#post-856645 Fri, 22 Feb 2013 06:09:15 +0000 CocoLion 856645@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Good analogy Mochi. What the professor's frank comments on the early draft is to a K/R, the professor's diplomatic praise for a finished book is to a WIW. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-you-like-this-on-me-is-this-a-really-forced-analogy#post-856629 Fri, 22 Feb 2013 05:37:35 +0000 Aziraphale 856629@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Mochi, I agree with you. I also agree with Suz. I would have put it this way: diplomacy and honesty are not mutually exclusive. </p> <p>OK, here's what I think. As I am sure you've noticed, I am opinionated and forthright. I can't help it. I have opinions. But I also place a VERY high value on good manners. There are ways of being honest without being hurtful. The diplomatic answer is always the right answer, and I think you are right that there are times you can give constructive criticism in a diplomatic way, and times where the best of two bad options is a lie of omission. </p> <p>Let's take the first case of a leisurely shopping excursion with a friend. Suppose she tries something on, asks your opinion, and you think it's <em>dreadful</em>. You're not going to say that, of course. You're going to find a nice way of saying it's not right. You might say, "I'm not sure about that colour", or, "I think the fit isn't doing your lovely figure any favours" or something along those lines. What you say is true, it is honest, and it is also diplomatic. Angie is a master at this. You might then offer a constructive suggestion about what might work, like "Why don't you try this pair over here?" or "they might work better if you size up/down". </p> <p>Now let's look at the second case. Your friend is showing you an outfit that she is going to wear for an important occasion. It is fait accompli. Unfortunately, the outfit is dreadful (in your opinion). Obviously you can't say that, and you can't steer her in another direction by offering helpful advice about what isn't working with that outfit. What else can you do but find something about it that you can honestly compliment? Usually there is something to praise, even in an outfit that you don't like. Maybe the colour makes her eyes really pop. So you say that. It's a lie of omission; you say something nice, and avoid mentioning the bit about how the outfit is fugly. It's either that or tell her what you really think, but since it's already too late, you can't really do that. Unless she's a really good friend, and she's asked you something very specific about the outfit and there's no way you can avoid the answer except to lie. In that case you may as well be honest, but you can still say it nicely ("Well, it wasn't the best I've ever seen on you, but your TV interview was still awesome" -- again, you are telling the truth. Assuming the interview was in fact awesome). </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-you-like-this-on-me-is-this-a-really-forced-analogy#post-856500 Fri, 22 Feb 2013 03:10:13 +0000 Suz 856500@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Diplomacy and honesty are not opposites. </p> <p>My response would differ, for sure, depending on whether we had lots of time to shop for the perfect outfit, or whether we were about to leave for the party. It would also differ depending on how fragile I felt my friend was at the time. And maybe on how much sleep I'd had the night before, too! </p> <p>But in any case I would be looking for a way to be kind, but not dishonest. Or honest, and not unkind. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-you-like-this-on-me-is-this-a-really-forced-analogy#post-856487 Fri, 22 Feb 2013 02:58:06 +0000 Jaime 856487@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Hmmm, I don't actually agree with Zap that truth is an absolute concept, but, on the other hand, her response (that is not my favorite outfit but you look beautiful anyway) is perfect and definitely the sort of thing I would say - to the right person. I will bring it down to YLF earth - if someone posts a picture and writes "I wore this and loved it" would your response be different than if they wrote "I am thinking about wearing this but am not sure"?</p> <p>For me, the answer is yes, that would change my response, but if they wore it and loved it and I had nothing good to say I have the option of not responding at all, which makes a big difference. In real life, it would depend quite a bit on the situation, who the person is and what our relationship is, the social context and more. Interesting question Nancy! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-you-like-this-on-me-is-this-a-really-forced-analogy#post-856429 Fri, 22 Feb 2013 01:54:58 +0000 Angie 856429@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Are you talking about my FB conversation, Nancy? If so, I just replied to you so take a peek. </p> <p>I agree with, Zap. Diplomacy is key and so is honesty. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-you-like-this-on-me-is-this-a-really-forced-analogy#post-856411 Fri, 22 Feb 2013 01:40:49 +0000 Anonymous 856411@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>But wouldn't that be lying? Meaning, you are not really being honest in terms of the question at hand. I think truth is an absolute concept, which is not relative to place, time or situation. I am not stating that one must be rude or hurtful, but I think there is a way to say things in a diplomatic way.</p> <p>You are being asked for an opinion, just that. What is wrong with saying, "you know, that was not my most favorite outfit of yours, but you looked beautiful anyway".</p> <p>It's is just your opinion, opinions are not unquestionable truths. Someone else would think the outfit was smashing. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-you-like-this-on-me-is-this-a-really-forced-analogy#post-856397 Fri, 22 Feb 2013 01:26:09 +0000 Sara L. 856397@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I prefer honest feedback but phrased in a diplomatic, not rude, manner. I try to return the favor with others. I once went to the bar with a friend who was wearing a pink shirt and red cowboy boots and, to be honest, I thought it looked awful together. But we were already there and she obviously liked the combo or she wouldn't have worn it, so I figured at that point it was too late to be honest. If she had asked my opinion before leaving the house, I would have found a nice way to talk her out of the boots. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-you-like-this-on-me-is-this-a-really-forced-analogy#post-856391 Fri, 22 Feb 2013 01:20:20 +0000 celia 856391@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Interesting question to ponder.<br /> Regarding books or films I will give my opinion of the ones I saw/watched but usually if someone else is praising something I didn't like I won't open my mouth to contradict that person.</p> <p>And I guess that extends to shopping or dressing situations. If someone feels confident in a certain outfit and is showing that she really likes it I will also won't say anything against it because I find that if that particular outfit makes the person confident that is the best anyone can be for any given situation.</p> <p>Getting to your question 'How do I look?', not counting with the YLF forum in which people are trying to improve an outfit, does anyone in real life asks that expecting to hear back' You look ugly'?</p> <p>This is really a very good question. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-you-like-this-on-me-is-this-a-really-forced-analogy#post-856340 Fri, 22 Feb 2013 00:43:27 +0000 Day Vies 856340@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Diplomacy has its place and I am more likely to err diplomatic when I am not under pressure. I am more likely to get to the point under exigent circumstances, and probably use every persuasive faculty I had to convince my friend not to wear something I believed was completely unflattering or conveyed a negative connotation. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-you-like-this-on-me-is-this-a-really-forced-analogy#post-856332 Fri, 22 Feb 2013 00:34:42 +0000 rachylou 856332@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Since I'm a professional writer/editor, that happens to me. People ask me to look at their stuff. I endeavor to be diplomatic at all times and not be vain about my opinions. Of course it's all cr*p that people give me to read - but one musn't knock cr*p. It can sell. </p> <p>But like, if your friend has already been on t.v. and the fallen hem is already been caught on camera, I wouldn't dwell on it. What's done is done. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-you-like-this-on-me-is-this-a-really-forced-analogy#post-856328 Fri, 22 Feb 2013 00:29:10 +0000 Caro in Oz 856328@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I find this is one of the hardest situations to navigate. Imo I wouldn't be much of a friend if I didn't try to find something better for her to wear to that TV interview.</p> <p>I know we are not all the same &amp; some of us are asking to be validated but I guess the reality is I want the truth from my friends &amp; I want friends who want the truth. </p> <p>It should go without saying but, just to be clear, this needs to be done from a place of kindness &amp; wanting the best for our friends &amp; on the understanding that it is our opinion. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-you-like-this-on-me-is-this-a-really-forced-analogy#post-856325 Fri, 22 Feb 2013 00:25:59 +0000 Mochi 856325@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I think we may need an extended discussion on tactful truthtelling. Or maybe not. I just thought it was an interesting topic to mull over. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-you-like-this-on-me-is-this-a-really-forced-analogy#post-856319 Fri, 22 Feb 2013 00:18:01 +0000 dizzys 856319@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>You can give the truth and still be positve. That is what I would concentrate on. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-you-like-this-on-me-is-this-a-really-forced-analogy#post-856318 Fri, 22 Feb 2013 00:17:16 +0000 Raisin 856318@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Yah I get what you're saying. I tend to go with a diplomatic response just by my nature, but since I do want honest opinions here I try really hard to give honest (nicely phrased) opinions to others. But yes, if I were asked after the fact, with no recourse available, I'm not going to slam someone's outfit choice. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-you-like-this-on-me-is-this-a-really-forced-analogy#post-856317 Fri, 22 Feb 2013 00:15:38 +0000 Anonymous 856317@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>i should not be answering this question, because I am honest to a fault. My friend would know I'm lying. I'm pretty easy to spot.</p> <p>I will still say the truth, if asked. I am not one to provide unsolicited feedback, however. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-you-like-this-on-me-is-this-a-really-forced-analogy#post-856314 Fri, 22 Feb 2013 00:12:05 +0000 Mochi 856314@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Coming off a FB discussion going on right now. It made me recall something my grad school professor once told our class. He was a writer and had many writer friends who would show him their work. In terms of the question they would always ask him: "What do you think?" The point the writing was at was of highest importance. If it was a draft (we're talking novels here) that was early enough in the process to be easily revised, my teacher would tend to give a fair evaluation. However, in many cases he was asked what he thought about a novel after it was already published. In those cases, he always chose to be diplomatic and find warm, positive things to say. </p> <p>So I'm thinking that if you're going shopping with a friend, not under immense pressure for time or because of a particularly pressure-inducing event (wedding, etc.), you would be giving an honest assessment. But if you went to your friend's house the night before her TV interview (or even worse, after the interview) and she asked you if she looked nice in the outfit she had selected, I would guess you should just say yes! Am I right? Does anyone agree with me here? Any other thoughts? </p>