https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-i-get-out-of-my-own-bridal-shower Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Thu, 30 Apr 2026 12:15:51 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-i-get-out-of-my-own-bridal-shower/page/2#post-795940 Fri, 14 Dec 2012 14:02:56 +0000 Diana 795940@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Thanks, all. I am just seeing some of these new replies now. You've all made me feel much better and more balanced about this. I know I am probably being overly cranky and sensitive about this! So I will go, grit my teeth and smile, and then have a GIGANTIC drink afterwards. (J. knows that he is required to get me the gigantic drink, ha!)<br /> To those of you who mentioned that they just want to welcome me into the family and that they think I'm just demurring when I say I don't want a shower: I guess I feel like they should know me better than that, because they've all known me for over 10 years! (Seriously, J. and I have been together for years and years. Our Save the Date cards say "FINALLY!" in giant font.) </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-i-get-out-of-my-own-bridal-shower/page/2#post-795764 Fri, 14 Dec 2012 04:53:36 +0000 Laura (rhubarbgirl) 795764@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I am a fellow introvert (INTJ!) so I completely feel your pain, but I think you're making too much of this. Your in-laws sound like traditionalists who want to do the "proper things" to welcome you to the family, and to them that means among other things having a girls-only bridal shower for you. I don't think you have to fake it or lie, but putting up with a few silly party games and saying thank you while you open gifts for a few hours will presumably mean a lot to your future MIL. </p> <p>Weddings are one of those things that some people feel really strongly about. If your future in-laws are anything like some folks in my family, they feel that a wedding shower is necessary, and when you say you don't want one they think you're demurring because you don't want to be a bother. You will not win this fight, and I don't think it's worth fighting. Your marriage, and your relationship with your husband's family, are more important than one afternoon. </p> <p>It's always a balancing act how to deal with a family, or a husband's family, who wants different things for you than you want, or has different preferences anyway. Weddings seem to light up these differences because for a lot of couples it's the first time when something "serious" brings up all these cultural expectations. I think it's worth talking about with your fiancee, because all of these things will come up during the wedding planning process a lot, and of course later in your relationship too. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-i-get-out-of-my-own-bridal-shower/page/2#post-789284 Wed, 05 Dec 2012 22:17:07 +0000 JR 789284@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>MaryK and Missvee are on the money.</p> <p>My DIL had similar feelings. (No, it wasn't me. It was her family.) At least she managed to make her discomfort not too painfully obvious. But as ham-fisted as your future in-laws have been about this, it remains that this is also an important ritual of welcoming you into the family, expressing their support and acceptance of both you and your marriage. Take it as such. Much of life is like that, the good mixed with the not-so-good, and it is much better for everyone concerned to focus on the good. And there is plenty of it here. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-i-get-out-of-my-own-bridal-shower/page/2#post-788158 Tue, 04 Dec 2012 12:55:09 +0000 ManidipaM 788158@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I think you need to not only BYOB, but organize an 'afterparty' if possible. Are any of your friends going to be in town? Can you be meeting them for drinks and dessert at a pre-appointed time halfway across town? It is impossible to reschedule this double-barrelled celebration because of their/your conflicting and busy schedules etc. This cuts your time at the shower short, *and* gives you immediate venting space and a chance to laugh about it before it starts to fester and you start to fume... (maybe I'm projecting my own reactions here, but ARGH!)</p> <p>As fellow hater of celebrations thrown for me against my wishes, one other piece of gratuitous advice: Don't just vent on here, make sure you're venting with the fiance too. Else you might find yourself resenting it more that he went along with it or did not bail you out etc---which adds a whole new spanner to the situation. I do recall there were things that happened at my wedding that I didn't stop grumbling about for years, which really did no one any good at all---and that's although I basically got our own way for most things.</p> <p>[Now, all I need to do is apply my own advice to an impending baby shower---or cultural equivalent thereof---which I am starting to suspect is in the planning stages over in my MIL's head] </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-i-get-out-of-my-own-bridal-shower/page/2#post-787356 Mon, 03 Dec 2012 08:30:55 +0000 Ornella 787356@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I love Krista's take on this :-)))))) </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-i-get-out-of-my-own-bridal-shower/page/2#post-786670 Sun, 02 Dec 2012 06:15:15 +0000 bj1111 786670@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>ha ha ha...no, srly, what is your question, cuz you know you're going to this thing, right?!?</p> <p>ps, i get the pain and the frustration and the anger. i also get the love. vent away, then plaster a smile and go. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-i-get-out-of-my-own-bridal-shower/page/2#post-784988 Fri, 30 Nov 2012 03:28:02 +0000 Krista 784988@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>If there's anything I learned from my own wedding, it's that weddings make people do some crazy sh*t. And even though it's supposed to be "your" day, it ends up being all about them. Seriously. I saw some of the most deplorable behavior from relatives and friends when it came to our wedding and it was an exercise in restraint for a year and a half to keep myself from really hurting someone. </p> <p>The best part is that, 5 years later, I have some really great stories to tell!</p> <p>It's not easy to have people ignore your requests for an event that's supposed to be yours, so the only thing I can recommend is to go to the shower, take note of all of the crazy behavior, then go out with your friends and recount the craziness. They will appreciate you and you will have memories for years to come! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-i-get-out-of-my-own-bridal-shower/page/2#post-784794 Thu, 29 Nov 2012 20:59:42 +0000 Anonymous 784794@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>What about scheduling a doctor appointment? If it's about time for your annual checkup, maybe you could arrange to go to the doctor during the time you're supposed to be at your bridal shower. Then you could fib and say you didn't have time to cancel it. ROFL! I'm sure you'll think of something if you're really determined to miss the shower. I personally would suck it up and go. Just saying. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-i-get-out-of-my-own-bridal-shower/page/2#post-784775 Thu, 29 Nov 2012 20:37:04 +0000 RoseandJoan 784775@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Could you have another engagement which means you only need to spend an hour there; speak to the quests, drink a glass of bubbly, kiss kiss the relatives and then waltz out of the door for that oh so important meeting which could not possibly be rearranged. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-i-get-out-of-my-own-bridal-shower/page/2#post-784368 Thu, 29 Nov 2012 05:15:02 +0000 DonnaF 784368@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Ahhh, I never had to endure a wedding shower. And with regard to the baby shower my boss and his wife were giving me, along with all those games like diaper the doll, name the baby food, etc. -- well, I gave birth to DD early the morning of the shower, so darn, I missed it and they had to go one without me! Guess that doesn't work so well for a wedding shower.</p> <p>Maybe you can approach it as an anthropological study? And maybe if they play the Newlywed Game on you, maybe you can pretend it's a marriage interview at the Immigration Service. Actually, those things are no jokes. (I'm an immigration attorney.) But jeez, even couples with bona fide relationships can have poor memories and/or observational skills. Pretend you're Greek, and you're in My Big Fat Greek Wedding (which an ex-client gushed and told me was quite accurate).</p> <p>I dunno. I'm bad at these girly things. I don't think hippies had showers. After all, I'm just trying to learn how to get dressed at the age of 59. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-i-get-out-of-my-own-bridal-shower/page/2#post-783907 Wed, 28 Nov 2012 20:46:41 +0000 Ornella 783907@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Crikey Diana! It's obviously an exercise in control by his family, as you have rightly guessed. Some people really misinterpret NO and think it's some sort of mind game.</p> <p>I'm useless with any new advice, actually with any advice. I did not have this thing to deal with, both because we culturally don't have them and because at the time I lived far from the place where we got marred, so it would have been a logistical nightmare anyway. But we had our fair share of "why?! what?! no, you're not going tos...", etc to deal with. But, we were determined to make it a day for us, not a day for others.</p> <p>For me, living abroad and getting married back home meant I had to organize everything remotely, with just one trip to book the date at the registry office, check the venue, book the musicians and talk dress design with the seamstress. That turned out to be the blessing! With nobody to stand over my shoulder and suggest all sort of things, from customs and traditions I hate, to finer details, we could actually do everything in a very relaxed manner. Everyone just had to turn up and see how the day would unfold. It was lovely, very 'us', simple, about things we wanted to share. I think everyone figured early on things were going to be just a bit different than 'normal', so they weren't anticipating anything, just watching and participating if they wanted. No unfulfilled expectations. We had one rule - nobody was going to push anyone to do anything. E.g. some people wanted to dance, some just to sit and listen (we had an awesome live band, whose diary partly determined our wedding date ) And that was fine with us - as long as everyone was comfortable.<br /> And to this day many of our guests still talk how much they enjoyed the evening.</p> <p>The drama, however, was in the number of guests... where I come from weddings are family affairs of large scale, similar with Mr. O's side... and we just weren't going to have it. So, we invited only the closest and dearest members of family, and friends (friends *are* the family we choose, after all) and some simply could not stomach that they didn't "make the cut"... but their reactions made it perfectly obvious why they did not deserve our invitations.</p> <p>Good luck... make it the least painful for you in the long run. That day, too, shall pass. In the end, the real life begins after the wedding.</p> <p>ETA: I know what I wrote is about my wedding, not other 'supporting' events. The bottom line is try to make it memorable for you in all aspects you have control of. Some things you won't be able to control and I hope they'll be less painful than you anticipate. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-i-get-out-of-my-own-bridal-shower/page/2#post-783813 Wed, 28 Nov 2012 18:15:02 +0000 Diana 783813@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Ha, Mary, your comment cracked me up because this actually happened to me once (with the same group of relatives even!). Only I was for real sick. I came down with swine flu in 2009 the week of thanksgiving and was in bed for a week and a half. There was some huge family thanksgiving gathering followed by another party on Friday to introduce a cousin's new baby to the big extended family, and of course I had to bail at the last minute given that I couldn't even stand up without getting super dizzy. Since it was right when swine flu first emerged, everyone was super scared of it and of course they were all, "we hope you're all right but please don't get anywhere near us with your OMGSWINEFLU." So... whatever current new pandemic that spreads mass hysteria is probably the way to go then. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-i-get-out-of-my-own-bridal-shower#post-783699 Wed, 28 Nov 2012 14:27:47 +0000 MsMary 783699@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Okay, here's an idea: Would you consider letting them plan it and just flat-out lying and saying you're sick and backing out at the very very last minute? It would have to be something very dire and sudden indeed, of course. Like, deathly ill with food poisoning, or having emergency dental work. Or... ooh! You were walking down the stairs to get in the car and come to the party and you fell and hit your head and blacked out and had to go to the emergency room to get an x-ray! Hell, it would probably be worth an actual visit to the doctor or dentist just to back up your story! You would have to get your fiance to back you up 100%, now and until the end of time, but think about it. When you tell them the sad news, you could insist that they go ahead with the party without you and no, you won't hear of re-scheduling after they've gone to all that trouble! They would still get to have their party, you wouldn't have to go, and there wouldn't be a family feud. I know it's all kinds of evil and wrong, but could it possibly be a win-win?</p> <p>Just sayin'... </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-i-get-out-of-my-own-bridal-shower#post-783654 Wed, 28 Nov 2012 12:41:40 +0000 Traci 783654@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I'm not so proud of my stubborn streak, but I wouldn't go. I was on the fence about it until you said that future dh would just do whatever they suggested because he won't rock the boat. I know myself well enough to know that as hard as I may try to put on a smile and take it in stride, I would be boiling inside through the whole thing, especially if I'd asked him to stay and he left for the bar with the guys like his mom asked. I know it's not the common point of view on it, but this sort of thing feels incredibly disrespectful to me. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-i-get-out-of-my-own-bridal-shower#post-783634 Wed, 28 Nov 2012 10:46:04 +0000 Mander 783634@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Now this is exactly the kind of situation in which one of those flask bracelets would be ideal! :-D</p> <p>I have an aunt who is like this. She is very kind and generous and loves me to bits, but she just does not listen to anyone. You can tell her in the most direct way possible that you don't want to do something and then somehow find yourself doing it moments later. Or she will come up with really improbable ideas or plans and you find yourself doing them because even though you agreed not to, she goes ahead and does them anyway.</p> <p>As others have said, your only real course of action is to just go and try to be gracious, unless you want to start a feud. Channel your inner 12-year-old if there are silly games. And have your fiance bring you a tiny bottle of Bailey's to spike your coffee with when they arrive from the bar. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-i-get-out-of-my-own-bridal-shower#post-783590 Wed, 28 Nov 2012 06:01:48 +0000 Caro in Oz 783590@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I was going to suggest the trusty hip flask too.<br /> Families can't live with 'em can't kill 'em...... </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-i-get-out-of-my-own-bridal-shower#post-783442 Wed, 28 Nov 2012 02:13:35 +0000 Anonymous 783442@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I was 23 when I got married and too inexperienced to say no BUT sometimes these things are cultural. In my family/culture bridal showers are considered bad manners, like asking for gifts. However, I married an Italian and there are a right of passage and a poelitical game (which auntie gave what as MIL wanted to know if value was reciprocated from her past gifts) </p> <p>I was humiliated and so was my mother vut we realized it was only us who felt that way,this was expected in their culture. Saying that, I would never throw one for my daughter and have declined several 3rd cousin invites from that side of the family...really, 3rd cousin? I have never met half of them</p> <p>Go to one, be gracious and take a flask lol </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-i-get-out-of-my-own-bridal-shower#post-783319 Tue, 27 Nov 2012 22:35:04 +0000 Diana 783319@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>So I have been to two other bridal showers thrown by this crowd (both awkward!) and what has happened both times is that the groom and other menfolk get sent off to a bar or something for the first couple of hours and then they return for the last hour or so for cake and coffee. I guess it's better than nothing. I know my fiance will not want to rock the boat (and I don't blame him) so he'll do whatever they suggest. </p> <p>Wish I could go to the bar too! </p> <p>CC, if I had my way, we'd have eloped a long time ago! As it is, at least we get to be in charge of the wedding itself and, although it's not my favorite thing to do, I am excited about some aspects of it. Plus I got a few of my big "wishes" so I'm happy about that - no attendants aside from our siblings, wedding in CA (that one was not negotiable though as my father is ill and not allowed to fly), and outdoor (not church) ceremony. </p> <p>Honestly I think the bridal shower (and the big chinese wedding banquet to come after the wedding) are a way for J's family to exert control because they know they can't be in charge of the wedding. </p> <p>Did I ever tell you guys that we had our flower girls/ring bearers (J's cousins' kids) determined for us pretty much the day we got engaged? I am so not kidding. I mean nominally they asked me later, but they had outfits and everything picked out and purchased already. I don't really care one way or another so it's fine but it's just another example of them doing things without asking. </p> <p>Oy, parties. You know that thread on the main forum about Myers/Briggs types? I am SUCH a textbook INFJ.</p> <p>ETA: Now what I really want is to go for tea and cakes with all of you! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-i-get-out-of-my-own-bridal-shower#post-783318 Tue, 27 Nov 2012 22:34:22 +0000 Angie 783318@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>(((HUGS)))</p> <p>I hear you, Diana. I didn't have a bridal shower. A few of my mates came over for tea and cake, and then we all went out for pasta and ice-cream. No gifts, no games, no ridiculousness. There was actually no talk of marriage and wedding at all. It just ended up being a gals night out. We almost threw in a late night movie, but opted to sleep instead. </p> <p>Love Jonesy's idea. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-i-get-out-of-my-own-bridal-shower#post-783312 Tue, 27 Nov 2012 22:23:16 +0000 Janet 783312@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>LOL at Rachy. </p> <p>I understand. I'm so glad my friends did not push any kind of bachelorette thing -- that's just not our thing. They did throw me a bridal shower of sorts -- a very low-key champagne brunch. Heavy emphasis on food and drink and conversation, little on gifts. That's how I wanted it. Maybe if they're insisting on throwing you a party, you can tell them exactly the kind of gathering you want it to be? </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-i-get-out-of-my-own-bridal-shower#post-783297 Tue, 27 Nov 2012 21:54:56 +0000 Anonymous 783297@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Bring your fiance and go to the punch bowl several times. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-i-get-out-of-my-own-bridal-shower#post-783260 Tue, 27 Nov 2012 21:06:26 +0000 Classically Casual 783260@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I agree with bringing your fiance. The best bridal showers in my opinion are co-ed...it diffuses the estrogen or something.</p> <p>Is it too late to elope??? </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-i-get-out-of-my-own-bridal-shower#post-783242 Tue, 27 Nov 2012 20:49:47 +0000 rachylou 783242@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Easy bridal shower games are the ticket. No one can say baby; if they do, they lose their pacifier to the person who catches the other out. Person with the most wins. Babies in ice cubes. First person to *deliver* their baby wins.</p> <p>That and bring your gay best friend. Don't have one? Get one. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-i-get-out-of-my-own-bridal-shower#post-783228 Tue, 27 Nov 2012 20:41:16 +0000 catgirl 783228@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I totally get you, having similar relatives on both sides myself. Mary K. and Jonesy have given you just the advice I would have given, and much more eloquently.</p> <p>I asked my best friend to be in charge of my bridal shower and we planned in advance to have it at the rock climbing gym, where we had cake and belayers available. We put Hershey kisses in the climbing holds. It was a total blast and I was happy. No foolish games, no frilliness, no dressing up. </p> <p>Then I went home to Boston and dealt with two other more traditional showers thrown by DH's large, demanding family and my large, demanding family. But having had fun with my friends, I was much more emotionally able to deal with acting the part of the subservient, docile bride.</p> <p>So much of weddings unfortunately are about other people and their issues, and not about the bride and groom. My attitude was to insist on what mattered to me and bite the bullet with everything else because I didn't want to regret other people's feelings later. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-i-get-out-of-my-own-bridal-shower#post-783210 Tue, 27 Nov 2012 20:04:14 +0000 Sylvie 783210@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I hear you. I ended up doing a bunch of wedding related stuff I didn't like and you can see it on the video.</p> <p>I think bringing your fiance is a great idea! Yes, they get to throw you a party but they can't make it too girly if he's there. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-i-get-out-of-my-own-bridal-shower#post-783193 Tue, 27 Nov 2012 19:40:06 +0000 MsMary 783193@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Not to belabor the point, but I meant to include "passive aggressive, silently stewing" in the "what not to do" Option 3. Really. It will make you feel bad and look bad.</p> <p>I love the idea of bringing your fiance to the party and both of you having a great time! Now THAT is a passive-aggressive strategy I can get behind! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-i-get-out-of-my-own-bridal-shower#post-783124 Tue, 27 Nov 2012 18:27:14 +0000 Jonesy 783124@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I completely, 100% share your dismay and frustration! This sort of thing drives me BONKERS! Refusing to go is sort of the nuclear option in this case, but I can certainly see why you would be tempted....</p> <p>I think I would bring my spouse-to-be to the party. That's what we did for our shower. I detested the whole let's-prepare-the-blushing-bride-by-playing-ridiculous-games-and-buying-her-tawdry-lingerie thing, and really dislike most traditions associated with getting married. But, the family of my spouse-to-be and their friends really wanted to host a shower. So we both attended, and the shower was really just a wedding gift opening extravaganza coupled with some good food. My SO and I made wisecracks the whole time we were opening gifts, and the whole thing was lighthearted and totally manageable. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-i-get-out-of-my-own-bridal-shower#post-783122 Tue, 27 Nov 2012 18:26:21 +0000 Suz 783122@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Psssst....bring your own "champagne." A bottle of pro secco. Not too high in alcohol, but very high in fun. And inexpensive. </p> <p>So sorry you are being subjected to this. It is very annoying to have your express wishes ignored. </p> <p>But it will only last a few hours, and you will have done your duty. And they will feel good about themselves. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-i-get-out-of-my-own-bridal-shower#post-783028 Tue, 27 Nov 2012 17:02:47 +0000 Mamapicklejuice 783028@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Diana - why don't you research some bridal shower games and help prepare for them. There might be some that are not so "personal" - but more silly ice-breaker type games where everyone gets to be goofy. If you take an active lead then there won't be time for games you'd rather avoid.</p> <p>I'd also try to get a few local friends to come, too... </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/how-do-i-get-out-of-my-own-bridal-shower#post-783024 Tue, 27 Nov 2012 16:51:10 +0000 Irene 783024@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I don't know what a bridal party is (I think we don't do that in my country?) but I guess it's a party where you celebrate you are getting married, it's all about women, pink and girly things and you get some gifts -most of them unnecessary and maybe even plain ugly. </p> <p>I get why you wouldn't like a party like that, but it's still your party and even if against your will, these people are preparing it for you. Probably they think you'll regret not doing it in the future (maybe because they enjoyed theirs a lot?). Even if they are wrong, and even if it's a thing you wouldn't regret not doing, they are still working hard for you. And they are proud enough of you as a new family member that they want to introduce you to all of their friends. You know, I have this friend that has been dating her boyfriend FOR A YEAR (a serious, stable commited relationship and guy) and her parents still refuse to simply have lunch with him 'because they don't like him'. Be glad your in-laws love you so much (even if they don't always respect your wishes) and try to enjoy this party. It will only be, what, three, four hours of punch, cookies and silly games? Come on, I'm sure you've been through worse! </p>