https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/friend-shifts-long-and-navel-gazy-sorry Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Sun, 19 Apr 2026 01:05:47 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/friend-shifts-long-and-navel-gazy-sorry/page/2#post-2238253 Fri, 12 Nov 2021 19:32:04 +0000 Anonymous 2238253@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Stockpiling friends - lol. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/friend-shifts-long-and-navel-gazy-sorry/page/2#post-2238248 Fri, 12 Nov 2021 19:13:44 +0000 Stagiaire Fash 2238248@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I didn’t mean you necessarily with the stockpiling, just that we hear that sentiment often—make friends now for then, instead of to enjoy friendships now (&amp; through the future) </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/friend-shifts-long-and-navel-gazy-sorry/page/2#post-2238236 Fri, 12 Nov 2021 18:16:11 +0000 Jules 2238236@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>No worries Helena I think you were thoughtful and clear on that </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/friend-shifts-long-and-navel-gazy-sorry/page/2#post-2238172 Fri, 12 Nov 2021 14:36:02 +0000 Helena 2238172@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Hi all, just wanted to let you know that I've read and appreciated all your lovely replies and thank you so much for sharing your perspectives!&nbsp;</p> <p>And to be clear, I didn't mean to imply that I was thinking to stockpile friends like TP at the beginning of the pandemic Just that it's nerve-wracking to wonder if friends will drift away when it's not always easy to make new ones ... and the potential for loneliness, which we know is such a problem esp. among older adults.</p> <p>I am so grateful for the friends I have, and also appreciate communities like this one, that are so generous with encouragement and kindness xoxo </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/friend-shifts-long-and-navel-gazy-sorry/page/2#post-2238096 Fri, 12 Nov 2021 03:00:39 +0000 Jules 2238096@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I’m a little bit on the opposite end of this as so much casual socializing went out the window with COVID. My circles really narrowed down to the few close friends I actually wanted to have zoom parties with. No more neighbourhood &amp; school parent parties, etc. And this year my youngest finished elementary school so we are basically done with that phase of life where you are involved in your kids’ social life, volunteering at their school, etc. I’m looking around and realizing that while I have strong lifelong friendships, I’m missing local friends who can spontaneously go for a walk or get a coffee and maybe share interests completely unrelated to our kids (is it possible? Lol).<br /> It sounds like you are in a good place though. So am I generally, very grateful for my friends, just wondering how this next phase will be. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/friend-shifts-long-and-navel-gazy-sorry/page/2#post-2238060 Fri, 12 Nov 2021 00:57:08 +0000 Anonymous 2238060@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I never had just 1 close circle of friends. Since I do so many things, I know A Lot of people, from many different phases of my life. Unfortunately there's not people that do all the things I want to do- so I'm part of many different circles, but just float in and out as I see fit. </p> <p>Now I'm seeing how many of the friends I've known a long time haven't changed that much as far as their interests. DH has found the same thing in reconnecting with old friends. Some evolved quite a bit, but many haven't. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/friend-shifts-long-and-navel-gazy-sorry/page/2#post-2237792 Wed, 10 Nov 2021 21:02:29 +0000 JAileen 2237792@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Here is a link to an interesting story on NPR about making friends as an adult:</p> <p><a rel="nofollow" href="https://www.wbur.org/hereandnow/2021/11/10/making-friends-adults">https://www.wbur.org/hereandno.....nds-adults</a> </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/friend-shifts-long-and-navel-gazy-sorry/page/2#post-2237643 Wed, 10 Nov 2021 15:03:33 +0000 Anonymous 2237643@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>We moved away from dear friends to be nearer to grandchildren and have a new place to explore. &nbsp;It has been hard to make new friends and the neighborhood keeps changing. &nbsp;As one gets older there is a lower level of energy and tolerance. &nbsp;Several old friends have died or become widows in the last year. &nbsp;Health problems can make people more isolated and needy. &nbsp;I have found having a church and PEO group very helpful, but need to be more active in both. &nbsp;Covid has stopped most meetings in person as well as going out, even shopping. &nbsp;Be gentle with yourself and your friends. &nbsp;&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/friend-shifts-long-and-navel-gazy-sorry/page/2#post-2237616 Wed, 10 Nov 2021 12:47:16 +0000 Stagiaire Fash 2237616@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>“opening ourselves to levels of friendship means making ourselves more vulnerable”<br /> So true! When my friend didn’t reply as fast or warmly as usual, I assumed he just wasn’t that into me (even though at the start of the pandemic, when another friend expressed sympathy that this guy couldn’t visit, I said “what, he won’t be attracted to me any more? How would that ever happen? He’ll just come after the pandemic”) Obviously, I wish now that I had risked a “no” and just asked if I could visit. We’ve only seen each other when I lived in his town 20 years ago, no traveling to visit each other, so it felt scary to ask—even though we had talked about him coming here. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/friend-shifts-long-and-navel-gazy-sorry/page/2#post-2237609 Wed, 10 Nov 2021 12:34:26 +0000 Janet 2237609@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Something on my mind regarding friendship at the moment: My mom was very introverted and didn’t make new friends easily. Her two dearest friends both sadly died young, when they were all in their 50s, and my dad when mom was 63. You can probably guess who was her closest friend and confidant after that. I wouldn’t trade a day of the time I spent with her for anything, but because of the issues she had with depression and anxiety, it was a lot of pressure on an adult child to be a mother’s BFF. </p> <p>I am also introverted, and I share some of my mom’s issues, but I have worked hard to make sure I don’t retreat into my comfort zone cocoon too much. I travel, and socialize, and keep trying new things. </p> <p>As I get older, I believe that making friends is kind of like exercising— if I don’t sort of stay in a practice of connecting with people and cultivating possible friendships, it will get harder. Inertia is a thing. Besides, I don’t have children of my own, and I’m sure not going to call on my stepsons to be my BFFs in my old age if I outlive my husband! </p> <p>Vulnerability is a thing too, and opening ourselves to levels of friendship means making ourselves more vulnerable. I think that gets harder as we get older. </p> <p>Just musings for the morning, as I was thinking about this thread. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/friend-shifts-long-and-navel-gazy-sorry/page/2#post-2237573 Wed, 10 Nov 2021 09:32:31 +0000 Stagiaire Fash 2237573@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Echo, I heard that! Not the socializing part—buzzing around with dozens of people to chat with gives me a headache; I’ll be in the corner having a real conversation, or on the dance floor, tyvm. </p> <p>But I’m with you on the idea of making friends now so we have them when we are older. That has never made sense to me. I mean, I tend to hang onto people I love, so I don’t expect to send friends away as I age. But they aren’t acorns to store away in my cupboard for when I need them later. Most old people go through repeated loss as friends and relations die and would be happy to make a new friend in old age. I can make friends now for now, but if I need friends in the future, I’ll make friends in the future. </p> <p>As for clique politics, I hate that everywhere I encounter it, here, in 5th grade, grad school, parent groups, where ever. I have heard that it can be huge in nursing homes/assisted living facilities. I don’t know how one evaluates that before moving in, but it is something I will really want to avoid. For me, that’s a totally different category than friendship. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/friend-shifts-long-and-navel-gazy-sorry/page/2#post-2237520 Wed, 10 Nov 2021 02:00:35 +0000 Echo 2237520@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I guess I'm with rachy. Friending requires so much maintenance, and I've never been one for sharing what I feel (as rachy said, why does it really matter? Things need to get done regardless of how I feel, so why wade into it at all?). I very much enjoy proximity friendships and I quite enjoy parties where I can socialize superficially with many different people. But close friends tend to get clingy and overshare (or perhaps I've never found the right kind of person in all my years on the planet?), and I find that uncomfortable.</p> <p>I'm sorry that your social life shifting is causing you pain, though. I do very much agree with Greyscale that our social lives can change and become something entirely different in fairly short order, depending on our hobbies or circles of acquaintances. I do hope this period of turmoil resolves itself into something comfortable and fulfilling for you. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/friend-shifts-long-and-navel-gazy-sorry#post-2237436 Tue, 09 Nov 2021 20:33:39 +0000 Janet 2237436@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I know that shifting friendships can be very challenging and even painful. Sorry you're feeling a bit off-kilter with these shifts, Helena.&nbsp;</p> <p>I'm really, really lucky. I have a core of besties from childhood and we are still very close -- we lost one of our foursome last year to cancer, and it was a very tough loss. It's still surreal that I can't call or text her. In fact, this is making me think I need to reach out to her husband and daughters and say hi.&nbsp;</p> <p>I have friends that I can pick up with after months of not getting together -- they range back to people I met in college, to neighbors I've known for just a few years. Former co-workers, fellow artists, etc. Some of those people I can share fairly personal stuff with, but not many.&nbsp;</p> <p>I value ALL of these types of friendships -- the ones that are much more situational (people I walk with or see at neighborhood gatherings but don't socialize with otherwise, for example), as well as my dearest and oldest. I love having friends of varying ages and from many walks of life. I grew up with a very small family, with only one sister a decade older than I, and not knowing my cousins or other non-immediate relatives, so friends were SUPER important to me. They are the family that I choose. I try not to take my friends for granted, but we all have busy lives, and we all seem to understand when we slip off the radar for a time.&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/friend-shifts-long-and-navel-gazy-sorry#post-2237426 Tue, 09 Nov 2021 20:01:54 +0000 Barbara Diane 2237426@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I have friends from many different ages and stages of my life. I recently re-connected with a friend that I felt had dropped me years ago. I took a chance and contacted her. It was wonderful. One constant friendship started due to proximity and having a child the same age. It wasn't very deep but grew substantially when the friend went through a challenging time and shared that with me.&nbsp;</p> <p>I definitely have a smaller circle that I feel very close to. Unfortunately most of them do not live nearby. But I do have a new friend who reached out to me. And I want to being more proactive as most of my friends reached out to me. And I realize that sometimes I didn't even realize that someone was reaching out to me.</p> <p>My mother is at that age where her friends are dying everyday and is missing friendships. And she had a big circle around her. Which makes me cognizant of the fact that I should cultivate friendships so that I have some left when I am in old age.&nbsp;</p> <p> </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/friend-shifts-long-and-navel-gazy-sorry#post-2237366 Tue, 09 Nov 2021 15:47:10 +0000 Anonymous 2237366@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Your thoughts and worries are completely valid, and I SO remember this being top of mind when I was your age. &nbsp;( I know this sounds patronizing and I don't mean it that way - lol) &nbsp; It seems that every book I read featured a group of 3 or 4 female best friends who shared every thought and experience with each other ......and I wondered why I didn't have that in my life. I think it's a work of fiction &nbsp; Anyways, I did find, as everyone above me here as already said, that friend groups shifted every 10 years or so, maybe even more often, and from the minute my daughter was of school age, that's where my adult friendships were formed ......and have stayed since. &nbsp;</p> <p>Not being able to meet friends and socialize over the past 18 &nbsp;months has definitely made this introvert even more withdrawn. I really don't care about going out anymore, and it takes a lot of talking myself into it to want to bother getting dressed and out the door. &nbsp;I do worry that I'll be 70 &nbsp;all of a sudden and alone and without a social life and friendships though - so this is the new thing I have to worry about . </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/friend-shifts-long-and-navel-gazy-sorry#post-2237364 Tue, 09 Nov 2021 15:43:31 +0000 catherine 2237364@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Helena, it seems to me that you’re going through a somewhat difficult transition and are working through it quite successfully.<br /> For me, it’s always been a feeling of being on the outside looking in. I am an introvert, but always thought that it would be better, more fun, or more normal to have lots of friends and an active social life.<br /> It took me a long time to realize that my most unhappy times were when I was with that “in” crowd.<br /> We moved from Minnesota to Nevada four years ago to be near kids and grandkids. Both of us left a couple of really good friends behind, which has been difficult.<br /> I wish you the best as you navigate this period of your life. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/friend-shifts-long-and-navel-gazy-sorry#post-2237319 Tue, 09 Nov 2021 10:02:46 +0000 Bijou 2237319@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Helena, I tend to go with the flow when it comes to friendships. I find that at different points in my life, I have more in common with some friends that others and new friendships fill in the gaps.&nbsp;</p> <p>Just like Greyscale's Mum's experience, new jobs and interests have brought me new friends. You have no idea how diverse my karate friends are! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/friend-shifts-long-and-navel-gazy-sorry#post-2237310 Tue, 09 Nov 2021 08:01:03 +0000 Greyscale 2237310@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Recently I said something on facebook regretting all the activities and friendships that had faded away and might never return. And my mother emailed me (I forgot she was even on facebook!) with a very kind message. She pointed out that everything I know as her world was a reboot of her personal life when she turned 40, a few years younger than I am now. She got a horse that year, and abruptly had not just a satisfying new hobby, but new close friends and connections in our rural town. And her world kept growing and changing in the 30 years since then. All the new free time after us kids all left, and then again when she retired. My rather reserved mother ended up with a vibrant, full social life.</p> <p>Not that you should get a horse!! But I think about what she said, often. That everything I've ever known as my mother's very full and happy life, from when I was 10 on up, was her second act, as satisfying as her first act. It makes me wonder what's in store for each of us. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/friend-shifts-long-and-navel-gazy-sorry#post-2237299 Tue, 09 Nov 2021 05:12:49 +0000 Sally 2237299@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I gave up nights on the town and parties years ago and I suppose friendships dropped away as a result.&nbsp; I guess there will always be those that stay the long term but others that we lose contact with and that is fine.&nbsp; I guess midlife is a time of big changes when you change your priorities and for those with kids, more time as kids get independent. Someone told me you are not the same person after menopause as it is such a big change and I suppose if that is the case, it is not surprising that we find ourselves attracted to different people.&nbsp; &nbsp;I don't believe in holding on to friendships for the sake of it.&nbsp; I've been really lucky in the last 10 years to find some really good friends through work but I have had times when I struggled with relationships that were just in the too hard basket and I had to give them up.&nbsp;&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/friend-shifts-long-and-navel-gazy-sorry#post-2237236 Mon, 08 Nov 2021 22:34:45 +0000 Gail 2237236@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I have lived across 3 continents and still have friends from two of them. I have 4 really good friends that I could call upon on any day for anything. I have another friend who lives 13 hours away , we may not talk for a couple of months but when we do its as if we talked the day before.<br />In the last neighborhood I lived it was very much a snobby keep up with the Jones's type of place. I always felt uneasy and on my guard. It was only when I moved away and made new friends that I realized how I was not my authentic self when I lived there.<br />I am also very lucky to have &nbsp;fab SIL, actually she is my ex SIL, she used to be married to my husbands brother .</p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/friend-shifts-long-and-navel-gazy-sorry#post-2237234 Mon, 08 Nov 2021 22:13:02 +0000 texstyle 2237234@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I didn't read all the replies but for me the biggest "fix" if you will to making new friends has been getting involved in something you love to do. For me it's music, playing, writing, singing.&nbsp; I found an online songwriting group where we share every day. DH and I now have musician friends, some quite professional so it's a treat really as we get to hear them play as friends. I sometimes go to open mics and picker's circles&nbsp; - songwriting festivals, etc. Almost all of these are on my terms - which for me is not heavy drinking or late night activities. I'm a bit older than you so the other thing that happens is friends do start dying so you need to keep making new friends as well. Having friends of varying ages is even better (you know, so everyone isn't dying - lol).&nbsp; </p> <p>These aren't all "best" friends or even people I see every week but we stay in touch on FB or whatever and see each other maybe once every couple of months. It's been a treasured thing these past couple of years. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/friend-shifts-long-and-navel-gazy-sorry#post-2237216 Mon, 08 Nov 2021 20:15:48 +0000 Helena 2237216@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Thank you so much for the kindness and encouragement everyone xoxox </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/friend-shifts-long-and-navel-gazy-sorry#post-2237206 Mon, 08 Nov 2021 19:52:58 +0000 Carla 2237206@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Here’s a shout out for fabulous SIL’s! &nbsp;Brother ‘did good’ when he found his partner in life </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/friend-shifts-long-and-navel-gazy-sorry#post-2237196 Mon, 08 Nov 2021 19:24:05 +0000 Cardiff girl 2237196@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Well you sound just like my kind of person!Shame we live so far apart.You have just articulated the classic dilemma of friendships.You can be “popular”and have loads of superficial friends or you can be authentic and have fewer but truer friends.You have chosen the latter but this doesn’t mean that you will be lonely.Friends can come along at all stages of life sometimes when you least expect it.Your children moving into more independent stages of life can often lead to a reexamination of ones own life and what is important to you.Also moving through the pandemic with its ever changing goalposts has done the same for many people.It will work out,you are a lovely person and people will always be drawn to you.</p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/friend-shifts-long-and-navel-gazy-sorry#post-2237178 Mon, 08 Nov 2021 18:51:58 +0000 Angie 2237178@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p><b>Helena</b>, rest assured that we all re-evaluate friendships over the years!&nbsp;It's natural, and there are countless variables at play, and you kind of have to run with it and feel your way. </p> <p>For us, living across four continents has had the biggest impact on the longevity and survival of friendships. Some survive through thick and thin, and others don't.&nbsp;</p> <p>Old friends who go back many decades are very special. You bond and laugh with them in ways that are unique because you share VERY old memories, and they know your parents. You might not see them often but they are close to your heart.</p> <p>New friends are exciting and enriching in their own way!&nbsp;</p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/friend-shifts-long-and-navel-gazy-sorry#post-2237139 Mon, 08 Nov 2021 16:03:14 +0000 Suz 2237139@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>When kids grow into their teen years, it's pretty natural for those ready-made family friend groups to separate a bit, I think, though it must have been lovely to have that kind of easy neighbourhood exchange at the time, and probably made happy memories for the kids.&nbsp;</p> <p>&nbsp;Losing a deep friend is a huge source of grief, not really socially acknowledged the way divorce is (but just as serious, in my view!). But more casual friendships do shift and change over time, as circumstances change, and you sound like you're in a transitional period.&nbsp;It sounds as if you are making good choices for yourself and thinking ahead to what you might like your own friendships to feel like, going forward.</p> <p>There are "situational" friends -- those we become friendly with through proximity -- and then there are deep friends -- those we may meet the same way but who become longer lasting and more trusted companions. Some of my "situational" friends have become deep friends over the years and some have drifted away. Most, though not all, of my closets friends share more than one passionate commitment with me, e.g. their kids are a similar age and faced similar challenges AND we both love to read or hike (or something); or they are writers (so we share work lives) and their kids are close to the same age, or we sit on the same committee (or did) or we're also both teachers, or we both love to cook, or we're both into fashion (you get the idea). That overlap and interweaving of interests means the friendship seems to grow stronger over the years as we add more threads. Whereas the less tightly woven friendships unravel over time. :)&nbsp;</p> <p> </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/friend-shifts-long-and-navel-gazy-sorry#post-2237137 Mon, 08 Nov 2021 15:55:28 +0000 JAileen 2237137@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I have just a few close friends. &nbsp;They all have boys the same age as mine. &nbsp;We became friends because our boys were friends. &nbsp;Our group used to be bigger, but has winnowed itself down to three of us. &nbsp;And one friend just moved cross country last month, which broke my heart. &nbsp;The remaining friends are close enough that I could ask them to help me ‘hide the body’. &nbsp;I think it takes going through a lot of people to find two good friends. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/friend-shifts-long-and-navel-gazy-sorry#post-2237112 Mon, 08 Nov 2021 14:52:35 +0000 Helena 2237112@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Hi everyone, read through all your replies and appreciate everyone's encouragement and vulnerability in sharing your own stories! Without diminishing mine or anyone else's experience, there really is 'nothing new under the sun' is there ... it's always such a great perspective to know that we all go through these things. And yes, I completely agree that although there is no substitute for live and in person, it is extremely meaningful to be connected to this community, which is so positive, empathetic, and generally lovely xoxo</p> <p>Robin, fwiw, the only advantage I could see to being in the in-group is the fact of being in the in-group ... there doesn't seem to be much depth beyond that! (and the idea of taking all my vacations, say, with someone who lives a few doors down seems like complete lunacy to me, but that's my introvert speaking I suppose). I know as humans belonging to groups is important, and to some it's of paramount importance - horses for courses and no judgement - but I'd rather be my weirdo self with a variety of friends on the perimeter </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/friend-shifts-long-and-navel-gazy-sorry#post-2237104 Mon, 08 Nov 2021 14:36:02 +0000 BrieN 2237104@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Nodding my head to everything RobinF said in her first paragraph. </p> <p>Those “ready made” friend groups are a sanity saver when you have little kids and the when you have medium sized kids they can often times be the driver of your social circle. The unraveling happened for me early and for others it happened after high school; it’s definitely a thing. And maybe harder for introverts.</p> <p>It was about then I realized how out of practice I was at making friends. I hadn’t had to put myself out there for at least a decade. it was a big deal to ask someone I’d just met who I thought might have “friend potential” if they’d want to get coffee or lunch sometime. Friends of friends are good because you can see them a couple of times by chance before seeing if the three of you can have lunch. I think most people are really happy to be asked. </p> <p>Anyway hoping this bit of a void right now might be the space you need in order to fill it with people who become those life long friends that “make us better people”. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/friend-shifts-long-and-navel-gazy-sorry#post-2237092 Mon, 08 Nov 2021 13:20:03 +0000 RobinF 2237092@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I can relate to shifting friendships. I think for a long time our friends were parents of our kids friends and that was fine, but ultimately weren't very deep friendships as they have now faded with the kids all out and about. It was also fairly clique-y and we were not the "in" group who have stayed friends, haha, but that is fine.&nbsp;</p> <p>Now hubby and I have some couple friends that we like to do things with, which is really nice, but I miss having a good girlfriend who I can talk to about anything. My youngest sister and my mom filled that need for many years but have both now passed away so I miss it even more. I have recently become closer to my other sister which has been really nice and some of my sisters-in-law. I have to say, my experience has been that friends come and go but family is here forever so they make the best friends :)</p> <p>I do know exactly what you mean about our social circle shrinking - I don't want to be a lonely old lady with no friends! But these things do seem to fix themselves. I'll at least have my fashion-conscious YLF people!</p>