https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/extremely-longwinded-rant-on-being-an-introvert Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Sat, 02 May 2026 09:59:13 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/extremely-longwinded-rant-on-being-an-introvert/page/2#post-861095 Wed, 27 Feb 2013 00:09:23 +0000 rae 861095@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Ah, I know this scenario SO WELL. I have not read all the comments, but this was totally me when I started cheerleading. Asking strangers for help or even companionship? Forgetaboudit! </p> <p>What you choose to do may come down to what you want to get out of dancing... if it is just a new skill/exercise, then the classes may be all you need. If you DO long for the social aspect, and hope to one day be a part of the group, then for sure find a way to break the ice. I really regret not jumping in and asking for the help I wanted back in those days - could have gotten better so much faster. </p> <p>Would it be possible to meet up with these dance people in smaller groups, away from dance? Break the ice, talk, and then you will know one another better when dancing socially? Or maybe next time take your teacher up on her offer to have someone dance with you... it will be painful and awkward at first, but it gets to be less so once you are in the circle. Once people see you dancing, they will know you *want* to dance. Sometimes people will mistake shyness for disinterest... that one has burned me many times. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/extremely-longwinded-rant-on-being-an-introvert/page/2#post-861086 Wed, 27 Feb 2013 00:06:31 +0000 Mochi 861086@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Thanks for your input, T-Rex. I think that's wise. </p> <p>And I'm crossing my fingers, Zap (though obviously wherever your daughter ends up, it's the right place for her). But you know I'm biased! </p> <p>So the last class of this past series was last night. The teacher is recommending to all of us to do a repeat of this series. It does make sense because the moves are challenging and we're not getting them fully yet. She is acknowledging that none of us are ready for a milonga either. </p> <p>I'm trying to see if there is a club like abc talks about with friendly Argentinians, but I doubt there is that kind of expat community in Boston, a small city. (We do have tons of Brazilians here, though, for some reason, but not much Argentinian presence, I suspect). </p> <p>Anyway it is all an exercise in getting me out of my shell, bit by bit. I truly thank you all for listening to me and offering empathy and great solutions. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/extremely-longwinded-rant-on-being-an-introvert/page/2#post-861047 Tue, 26 Feb 2013 23:43:04 +0000 T-Rex 861047@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Here is a thought that you may find comforting. There may be a person, or several persons, in this dance class who enjoy helping out the new people. In fact, they may be introverted themselves, but find themselves energized by helping others. </p> <p>I'm that way. That's why I've been commenting on so many threads today, offering up advice that may or may not be any good. In fact, I've been mistaken for an extrovert more than once because of this. </p> <p>So, if someone with more experience or skill offers to dance with you, then try to enjoy it and take advantage of the opportunity. Even if they do it as a favor to the dance instructor, remember that they were newbies once, too. And someone with more skill had to dance with *them* a few times before they became good at it. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/extremely-longwinded-rant-on-being-an-introvert#post-860990 Tue, 26 Feb 2013 23:08:15 +0000 Anonymous 860990@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Actually, my introversion served me quite well in my formative years. I was able to be taken more seriously than my peers, due to the false assumption that my quietness and introverted persona was an indication of maturity. Little did they know!</p> <p>We are still waiting for college apps results. Boston might be a frequent destination. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/extremely-longwinded-rant-on-being-an-introvert#post-856053 Thu, 21 Feb 2013 21:10:08 +0000 anya 856053@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Mochi I am an extreme extrovert and milongas were scary for me too. Unlike you who are sweet and a bit shy I was nervous anxious and had the same experience at the begining. It's just people want to dance with you but not want to creep you out/offend you/you husband . So they tend to be reserved at the first, but after a while, you dance with one person, once twice, other people notice you, you dance more. It's not about being a beginner but being a new one in a social cirle. Often people there dance for years and are wary of making friends in tango and losing them when they can't/won't go to milongas any more. So asume positive intention and keep this wonderful spirit of yours guide you. Ask a person . It will be fun. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/extremely-longwinded-rant-on-being-an-introvert#post-855049 Thu, 21 Feb 2013 01:36:14 +0000 rachylou 855049@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>An interesting factoid: When you're vegging and thinking about nothing, your brain is doing social calculus. I.e., running risk scenarios based on whether or not you're on friendly terms with this person or that. We peeps are extremely threatened by social situations, no matter how aware we are of that or not. You don't get fed if you're not part of the group. Some cope by doing the wall flower thing and some cope by chatting everybody up whether they like it or not.</p> <p>Another factoid: I have read that the difference between extroverts and introverts is that extroverts think out loud and introverts don't. That has some implications as to how much a person likes to hang around other people, but needing alone time to recharge the batteries and do your thinking is different than the reality of social threat and the attending anxiety.</p> <p>Personal comment: I think social savvy is something else entirely. I think it's an art and a skill that must be studied. Not many do. If your dance social had had a host or hostess who was also studied in the art of socializing, they would have set you up with someone to escort you around, introduce you, etc. </p> <p>To be your own host/hostess/escort - that's virtuoso level. Extroversion sometimes masquerades as that, but I know quite a few extroverts who are pariahs because they're so clingy and talky. I like all these distinctions because I think they tell you something about the best tactics for you, if you know what I mean.</p> <p>Anyways, I'm very glad and proud to hear that you're breathing through the discomfort and continuing on. Like dance, socializing is physical as well as intellectual and you have to stick with it and push. I think it's very interesting.</p> <p>Oh, and I'm a borderline extrovert/introvert. I waver. Sometimes I'm up to the task and sometimes I just can't wait to escape :D</p> <p>p.s. Interesting point about the difference between a dance social and a dance club. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/extremely-longwinded-rant-on-being-an-introvert#post-855033 Thu, 21 Feb 2013 01:22:52 +0000 abc 855033@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Hi Mochi, I am sorry to hear your woes with the social aspects of dancing.</p> <p>I want you to know I went through something very similar a few years ago. As I read your post I felt like I could have written it myself. </p> <p>A friend and I took some formal ballroom type salsa classes and even went to some arranged mixers - where you are supposed to dance - but the same thing happened to us. Everyone there knew each other and danced with each other while we sat on the sidelines. </p> <p>Well, that wasn't too cool! We were there to dance!! </p> <p>We decided enough is enough after attending 2-3 of these events - without ONE invitation to dance for either of us - and found a real Latin American club where Latin Americans go to dance. Not a ballroom dance place, but a real nightclub full of Latinos. </p> <p>And guess what...? We were asked to dance ALL NIGHT LONG!!!! No one cared how well or poorly we danced. They just wanted to share some good music and dancing (and they appreciated the fact that we liked their style of music and dance). The best part of this story is that I met my now husband that night! :)</p> <p>My point in sharing this story is that I think you are being exposed to a peculiar sub-culture (formal dance) that for whatever reason is not so welcoming to newcomers / less skilled dancers (and to me it is somewhat reassuring that you had the same experience, solidifying my suspicion that this crowd keeps to themselves and doesn't like to integrate new members). It is definitely off-putting and makes you second guess yourself, like you are doing now.</p> <p>I know the situation hits on some of your introverted tendencies, but I honestly feel that in this case, a lot of the cause for this is out of your control. Yes, you could ask people to dance (and should if you feel like it, but don't force yourself to do something you don't want to) but don't beat yourself up about what happened. </p> <p>If I were you I would find out where the Argentenians of your city go to dance tango - and go there! :)</p> <p>Abrazos fuertes desde Mexico! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/extremely-longwinded-rant-on-being-an-introvert#post-854921 Wed, 20 Feb 2013 22:52:36 +0000 Isabel 854921@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Oh my gosh, don't make all kinds of sweeping conclusions about yourself because of one incident and discount all the others ! There are VERY few people that would ask someone to dance period. In any situation. Particularly someone who married and there without a spouse. So I agree, maybe "you" don't need "fixing". Concentrate on what you have accomplished ! I am so impressed! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/extremely-longwinded-rant-on-being-an-introvert#post-854258 Wed, 20 Feb 2013 05:48:24 +0000 MsMary 854258@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I'm so happy you are going to hang in there, Mochi. I think the most important thing you've said is "I loved it. I loved it." That was EXACTLY how I felt about martial arts. Hang in there and it will get easier! I am so happy you have found something you can be passionate about!!!</p> <p>ETA: If it's any comfort at all, I am almost always mortified by my extroversion! I would give anything to be able to be dignified and quiet like you! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/extremely-longwinded-rant-on-being-an-introvert#post-854194 Wed, 20 Feb 2013 04:04:33 +0000 Suz 854194@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>This sounds like an excellent solution! </p> <p>And thank you for your compliments. RIght back at you. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/extremely-longwinded-rant-on-being-an-introvert#post-853715 Tue, 19 Feb 2013 20:33:00 +0000 Mochi 853715@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Jules, I totally hear you. </p> <p>Thank you too, Kristen. </p> <p>ManidipaM, yes, I think a lot of us "act" to a degree. I think we end up being good at it! (Many of us.) I wonder what it would like to have it be completely natural, and not a deliberate construct. OTOH, I imagine that the world would be worse off and really imbalanced if everyone was the talker with all the yang energy and not the listener...but OTOH (again!) you're right that I do have some flamboyant aspects to my personality too. Hey, would a total wallflower be posting pics of Adam Ant to define their ideal style direction ? </p> <p>I'm heartened to hear that you manage as a journalist. (Impressed, too...and that explains why your writing on here is so bleeping well-thought out and expressed.)</p> <p>Zap, don't write off the milonga...I'm hoping there is still a chance you may be spending some time in Boston? I would LOVE to go with you sometime. It's a cool little space inside the art gallery. I wanted to let you know, too, that all these people...as far as I know none, or almost none are from South America. It's more like Europeans, Asians, and lots of yanquis, so not commenting on anything cultural...except to say perhaps that Bostonians are very reserved and hard to crack in some ways. Anyhow, yes, I can believe you are sort of like me in terms of quiet (not yakety-yakkers) and I thank you also for your compliments and send them right back to you. And am wondering if it's hard, maybe even more difficult, being shy in a Latin culture? I'm not guessing that, just wondering. Japan, where I used to live, was a culture where it's much more acceptable to be reserved and quiet, unlike the US. Of course, I think that wherever you are, the extraverts tend to have an easier time in work, socializing, etc...we are set up to admire them; I think it's universal. Maybe I'm biased for thinking that. </p> <p>JenA, thank you for your encouragement. I will definitely go back to an upcoming milonga...there's no other way!</p> <p>So updating that I had class again last night--one more next week before this series ends. I loved it. I loved it. I mentioned to one of the assistants that it's hard to get the experience when people are loathe to dance with someone new. She agreed but I didn't want to do more than mention it...besides, I was dancing with her! I realize that I tend to let my anxieties take up a huge amount of space, and then they diminish, at least momentarily. I just don't feel bad at the moment, but I have to have an attack plan for next time. </p> <p>In the meantime it looks like I'll be taking a few more private lessons with my teacher, and I am willing to let her make introductions on the next occasion...and I'll either have a friend with me (one woman from class said she'd come along) or else ask someone to dance, gulp. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/extremely-longwinded-rant-on-being-an-introvert#post-853602 Tue, 19 Feb 2013 19:04:44 +0000 JenA 853602@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I just wanted to say that I think you are very courageous. It's hard for anyone go out of her comfort zone and I think it gets even harder as we get more set in our ways (well at least for me).</p> <p>Perhaps just reminding yourself that we are all admiring your strength might give you that extra boost of courage at the next milonga. </p> <p>Keep dancing!! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/extremely-longwinded-rant-on-being-an-introvert#post-853503 Tue, 19 Feb 2013 17:45:44 +0000 Anonymous 853503@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>First and foremost, I would totally go to that class with you, but I guess we can't :(</p> <p>I am actually really, really shy. I just became really good at masking it. First, I had no choice but overcome my fears of speaking in public, interacting with people, because of my job. I just had no choice. Also, I learned to accept that I am my worst critic, and that no one is looking to point out my sociat akwardness as much as I do. I just try, and if make a fool out of myself, oh well, tomorrow will be another day. </p> <p>you are a fantastic companion and a very interesting person to hang out with. Don't sell yourself short, next time, ask someone to dance. Why not? You will be surprised, maybe your next best friend is in that room ;)</p> <p>Animo amiga:) </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/extremely-longwinded-rant-on-being-an-introvert#post-853434 Tue, 19 Feb 2013 16:40:54 +0000 ManidipaM 853434@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Had to log in just to say, 'Mochi, hang in there --- you've been very brave and very good with this challenge already. Even if it continues to feel strange for a while longer, you're clearly where you want and need to be, and you ARE making progress even if it feels a bit of a sticky turf sometimes.' </p> <p>I so agree with Suz and others that just getting to that social dance scenario is a huge big deal for an introvert. Of course it pushes your buttons! That's just what it would do! And you've dealt with it beautifully and gracefully under pressure. If you are still finding the dance part of that equation so rewarding as to not run away screaming already (yeah: I'm the full phone-phobic, FedEx-fearing caricature), then you're doing VERY well and should likely keep going. The sweaty palms and dry mouth and awkward missteps will get less frequent with time.</p> <p>Don't discount or downplay the fact that you're putting yourself in a series of situations here that are not just a challenge to your introversion but --- as so many wise ladies have variously recognized and resonated with --- pushes a bunch of other buttons as well. In fact, your story (and Dianthus', and Janet's, and Astrid's, and Mary's...) reminded me of my *finally* signing up for swimming lessons when I 26. Bad enough to be in a swimsuit in open air and also unable to swim, in a class full of people mostly a decade younger; but also dredging up every schoolyard memory of an awkward body and body image issues and (low-key) bullying relating to those issues; plus fear of drowning; plus vertigo that prevented me quite literally from jumping in... But I guess I was getting *something* out of it that was important to me, or I'd certainly have thrown in the towel much sooner faced with all that.</p> <p>The very fact that you thought so hard about this, posted here, etc., proves that there is something in this activity that you're finding valuable enough to counter your discomfort and fear, as MaryK so astutely pointed out.</p> <p>Keep at it, don't let go. Introversion is one thing; letting fear of its social repercussions rule your life is another. As Astrid revealed, it's well worth disentangling the two and believe me when I say I know how hard and counterintuitive that is!</p> <p>What I sometimes do on the job, when I feel especially challenged---WHY would an introvert want to be a journalist and that too a travel journalist??---is pretend I'm someone else. Someone without my past baggage. Someone from a fantasy of who I wish I'd been as a young girl. It can make a few hours of high-pressure social activity almost bearable, even if I end up painting a portrait of a women who never was---and later find I've to let people in on the real behind-the-scenes me and shock them silly.</p> <p>Perhaps with the flamboyance inherent to tango that sort of role-playing can come to your rescue sometimes too? (Sorry if that's a terribly naive solution!) </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/extremely-longwinded-rant-on-being-an-introvert#post-852422 Mon, 18 Feb 2013 16:25:59 +0000 Kristin L 852422@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I wouldn't dismiss what you feel as a small problem. I'm an introvert as well and I feel like it takes all the courage I have to go up and try to start conversations with people. I feel so awkward talking to them that half the time I try to say everything in one breath and then I realize I sound even more nervous than when I started. </p> <p>I think you made a great step in going to the social dance class. I wish I had great advice to give or could tell you way to not feel so self conscious, but I can't. It's tough being an introvert in an extrovert world, but I think you're doing great with your extrovert skills. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/extremely-longwinded-rant-on-being-an-introvert#post-852377 Mon, 18 Feb 2013 15:48:37 +0000 Jules 852377@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>The situation you describe would be really tough for me too and one reason I avoid trying some things I would like to do. So good for you for trying, I really admire you for it.<br /> Here's my own rant which I hope comes across as commiseration... I have a thing where I love group exercise classes - it's motivating for me to have to show up at a certain time and place, and I like being told what to do when. But it's me time... I don't actually want to make friends or even chit chat... so the louder the music and more impersonal the better! But right now the easist/cheapest class for me to go to is a small 6am community class where the instructor is basically volunteering (charges a nominal fee) and she definitely enjoys the chat and encourages a bit of a light topic group therapy atmosphere. I am basically pre-verbal at 6am so my issues are only amplified. I'm trying to keep it up despite feeling that people think I'm weird and anti-social... it's tough sometimes, because it's the kind of situation where the imagined pressure can make my light introversion and shyness (which sound quite similar to yours) become more of a real social anxiety. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/extremely-longwinded-rant-on-being-an-introvert#post-852373 Mon, 18 Feb 2013 15:42:24 +0000 Mochi 852373@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Thank you again, ladies. Before I forget, welcome to the group, Abby_B. You're going to love it. All the women here are wise and awesome. And just remember to read anything Suz ever posts here, and your fashion, smarts and emotional IQ will all go up Dianthus, I think I've heard of your book too. I have one or two CBT-related books (one's a classic, called "Feeling Good"). And yep, I do build scenarios--it's kind of what I do naturally! (I've published short stories and am working on a novel). So I need some external control to keep my brain from going into overdrive. It's getting better but I could always use help staying on top of it. </p> <p>Janet, I forgot to mention how I was moved by your description of the gentleman who kept his running pace at your level at a very formative time for you. </p> <p>Also, re your mom, I'm glad to say that the women in my immediate family mostly approach life with a sense of adventure. Of course we all limit ourselves in some way, but it's not crippling and we like to try new things and have our fun. :)</p> <p>Raisin, I understand what you're saying, and your differentiation between quiet and shy or awkward. I'm also smiling at the thought of being with a total extravert spouse. For some people, they really appreciate the balance. Others on that forum board I mentioned who were self-described as serious introverts talked about being pushed to near-insanity by being with their small children who were total extraverts. (For the record, my husband is a non-shy, outspoken semi-introvert. He does so much interaction at work that when he comes home he is happy to play games on his computer...when I want to go out and be with people, LOL. I work from home. DD, age 24, is a total extravert who gets really uncomfortable if she spends more than a day not live interacting with people. She works in the film industry. I'm the writer.)</p> <p>So back to dance, to wrap it up....I'm thinking it is meant to be a springboard for me to push myself to be a better person. Plus it's rewarding, and I'm not going to give it up right now, and hopefully not anytime soon. Tonight is my regular weekly class (#5 in a six-week series) and I think the teacher will want to check in and see if I'm signing up for their next level. I will let you know if anything interesting comes up in discussion. I'm one of her current favorite students from this class....as I've said, she's really an Angie type of person, and I probably would not be continuing if it had been your typical adult-ed class. </p> <p>Thanks for putting up with all the yammering, if you're still here But well, it's clearly a touchy issue for those of us quiet, thoughtful types. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/extremely-longwinded-rant-on-being-an-introvert#post-852339 Mon, 18 Feb 2013 14:55:19 +0000 Abby_B 852339@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Hi Mochi -</p> <p> I agree that you are very brave, intelligent, and reflective. To have the courage and stamina to put yourself in the situation you described is more than I would have been willing to do. You have described your feelings about the matter very well. </p> <p> I am new to the website and forum. I just discovered the Off Topic link this morning. I was attracted to your post on Introversion as I am an introvert as well. For me, it's all about energy. I restore myself by time spent alone, with nature, my animals, those kinds of things. Navigating through large social groups is a concerted effort for me and quickly drains my energy. Social occasions in small groups of 4 or less is more my style. Even in social situations with my favorite people, I find that I become steadily more quiet as the occasion progresses as what feels like my "finite "social energy becomes depleted. Janet's suggestion about the book "Quiet" has been on my reading list. I guess for me, trying to find my own personal rhythm is important to find what works for me. I believe it's part of respecting yourself and your own unique gifts and talents without apology. </p> <p> I enjoyed reading the other responses to your post. I thought about Suz's comments about the likelihood that others in the dance group you described were probably also introverts sticking with people they already knew to feel safe. That made a lot of sense to me. This post and the responses here are very therapeutic. This is a wonderful forum. And, may I say again, you are very brave, Mochi. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/extremely-longwinded-rant-on-being-an-introvert#post-852336 Mon, 18 Feb 2013 14:54:39 +0000 Janet 852336@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Wow, dianthus, I could have written most of your post! I will check out that book as well. </p> <p>I find that I'm far more willing to breach my comfort zone since my mother passed away several years ago. I realized that her fears held her back from trying all kinds of things -- she never traveled, rarely went anywhere alone, etc. Somehow, losing her really drove it home to me how finite our lives are, and I was determined to not let my fears (largely learned for her) take over my life. It can be scary, but liberating! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/extremely-longwinded-rant-on-being-an-introvert#post-852314 Mon, 18 Feb 2013 14:28:51 +0000 cheryle (Dianthus) 852314@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Mochi, your story truly resonates with me. I was also that kid who was the last one picked for teams and whose lack of coordination was extensive. It really does cause some lasting insecurities doesn't it?</p> <p>I too applaud you for moving out of your comfort zone and trying something new. If you think about it, is this something you would never have done a decade ago? I have found that the older I am, the more accepting of my foibles. I would never have considered trying most sports until I was in my early 40s because I feared embarrassing myself. I took up both running and golfing and finally figured out that I don't have to be good to have fun. </p> <p>Putting yourself in a position to be rejected is probably one of the hardest thing any of us have to do but especially those of us who are introverts or have insecurities. Some of us are both. </p> <p>Have you ever heard of the book "Mind over Mood"? It is a guide to using cognitive behaviour therapy to make those changes that we introverts recognize would make us happier. Perhaps it is all of our alone time that allows us to do so much self-reflection and build negative scenarios and outcomes in our minds. It is often this fear that keeps us from trying new things. You have conquered that initial fear. Kudos for doing so. Many never make it that far.</p> <p>I could probably write for days on this topic but just wanted to join in and let you know you are far from alone. Many of us would rather be alone than risk making that first move. </p> <p>((hugs)) </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/extremely-longwinded-rant-on-being-an-introvert#post-851976 Sun, 17 Feb 2013 23:19:17 +0000 Raisin 851976@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Mochi I guess I would be considered and introvert, but I am definitely no where's near what I was as a child. When I was very young, all interaction with other people caused me anxiety, and I spent a large amount of time trying to avoid it and blend into the background so no one would notice me or get me involved in social situations. I believe I was very self conscious and afraid of doing something stupid, being laughed at, made fun of, or gossiped about.</p> <p>When I got a little older, like late teens and early 20's I started to feel better about myself. My job requires me to be very self assured and interact with a wide range of people, and I think it has helped me tremendously. I think putting yourself in situations where you have to throw yourself into the mix can help you too. You do not seem like a super introvert that cannot communicate with anyone, you seem like you want to get out there but are not quite sure, and still hold on to some insecurities. I realized once I started getting into social situations that a) it wasn't as bad as I imagined, b) the scenarios I imagined never actually happened, and c) (and probably the most important) once I let go of caring what others thought, I was much more free! </p> <p>My DH is very extroverted, he talks non stop, and jumps in easily. We often talk about the fact that there is a difference between being "shy" and being "quiet". People automatically think I am very shy because I am quiet, but that's not the case. I love to have friends over, go to coffee with co-workers and meet new, interesting people. But I also love quiet, and I tend to listen a lot. Usually after people meet me a few times they are surprised at how not shy I am, and conversational, but it's because I like to be quiet that I give off that persona. </p> <p>I think you are doing wonderful at getting out there at your dance classes, and it's a very hard thing to do, to put yourself out there like that. It would be great if you could get a friend to join, and if not, I think it will get easier each time you go. Just remember, it doesn't matter at all what anyone else thinks of you, and they probably think about you way less than you imagine (I mean that in a good way, as in they are not judging every little thing about you - and if they are, who cares!) </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/extremely-longwinded-rant-on-being-an-introvert#post-851944 Sun, 17 Feb 2013 22:31:23 +0000 Mochi 851944@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Thank you so much, everyone. Never have I rated so many responses as "therapy." I know it is a small problem, even for me, but it's so wrapped up in my identity and in how I view the world and how aspects of my life have played out as a result. I think fellow introverts likely share the same strong feelings on the subject, and need no rambling explanations. </p> <p>MaryK, it's funny how you mention it. I had heard discussed that it was possible to be shy and extraverted, or not shy and introverted, even if it seems counterintuitive. The defining factors for intro- versus extraversion being how does one replenish her or his energy? By spending time alone, or through social activity? The latter would make you an extravert. So you could still be shy. I happen to be both, to a degree, and it was much worse when I was younger (I mean the shyness). I have come a long way in becoming an outgoing, outspoken person. In the meantime, I love being with people (though I prefer not too many, in quiet situations, more intellectual conversation over small talk, etc). And I love spending time alone...and feel sorry for people who can never relax with their own company. </p> <p>I've been thinking about it all day...I will be talking about it with my therapist next week, but I'm just going to have to put up with the discomfort MaryK and others are mentioning. I would feel worse at this point giving up tango (at least for this reason). I'm going to need to let my imagination go crazy, go up to people I don't know and feel like they're demonstrating charity by dancing with me, worry that they think I'm ridiculous, ugly or spastic, etc. Don't like, don't like at all. But I'll have to do it. </p> <p>Janet, I've heard of the book and will definitely find it and read it. I'm so curious as to what kind of guidance it gives introverts. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/extremely-longwinded-rant-on-being-an-introvert#post-851931 Sun, 17 Feb 2013 22:15:56 +0000 Caro in Oz 851931@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>First up I think you are doing really well - you are clear about the situation; aware of &amp; in control of your feelings:)</p> <p>I don't think you have to solve this all at once. Just keep going, doing what feels right but a slight stretch &amp; see what happens. </p> <p>We can't control these situations we can only be there &amp; take care of ourselves in the moment. Gaylene is right; anyone who doesn't treat you with the respect you deserve as a newbie isn't someone you want to dance with anyway - their attitude is a reflection of them not you.</p> <p>Abrazos fuertes back:) </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/extremely-longwinded-rant-on-being-an-introvert#post-851897 Sun, 17 Feb 2013 20:49:57 +0000 Gaylene 851897@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Mochi, I think you are processing the situation with grace and dignity. It's never easy to be the newbie in a group of people who are comfortable with each other. But I'm going to echo MaryK's comment about being willing to risk embarrassment and rejection if you really want to do something.</p> <p>When I first started going to conferences I was usually the youngest person in a room full of people who all seemed to know each other and who all had reputations as being experts in the field. I felt intimidated, shy, and very much alone--to the point where I just wanted to retreat to my room and stay there until it was time to go home. But, I also realized that the whole purpose of my going to the conference was to get to know others in my field.</p> <p>After spending an evening, alone, in my hotel room, I decided that the next day I was going to walk up to at least six different people, introduce myself, and ask if I could join their group. I figured that the worst thing that could happen was that I'd be told by six people to go away and not bother them. Once that happened, I'd give myself permission to go back to my room and spend the rest of the day watching movies and eating from room service.</p> <p>My first target was an elderly gentleman speaking with a smallish group of men and women. I walked over, introduced myself when they saw me hovering around, and said something to the effect that I was new to the conference, didn't know anyone, and would they mind if I joined their group because I felt all alone. I was stunned when I heard their names; they were all giants in the field, including my elderly gentleman who was a keynote speaker. Suffice to say that the entire group was quite gracious, talked to me, and then introduced me to others at the conference. </p> <p>My advice is to take the plunge the next time. Go up to a group, introduce yourself, and ask if anyone is willing to take the risk of dancing with a newbie who has fallen in love with the tango. The worst thing that will happen is that the person will tell you to get lost (at which point you can smile and realize that you'd never want to dance with such an idiot anyway); the best thing is that you'll find some new friends who love to dance as much as you do. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/extremely-longwinded-rant-on-being-an-introvert#post-851846 Sun, 17 Feb 2013 19:10:09 +0000 Astrid 851846@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>MaryK, I love your two mottoes - they are something I also still have to tell myself from time to time. </p> <p>Mochi, I'm an introvert too. I'm dealing very well with it now, but it wasn't easy to get there. A few years ago, the scenario you described would have been one of my biggest nightmares. I was one of those people who didn't want to phone anyone, who felt ill being around too many unknown people. I was always a reserved child and teenager who had few but very good friends. I always needed time to get to know people before I could open up. It was just my personality. But then there was a change, caused by various issues and I developed a real social phobia. I was just lucky that I had someone in my family who encouraged my parents to get therapy for me, they wouldn't have thought of it on their own. At that point I feared going to unknown places because I might need to ask someone for directions. I couldn't enter a room full of people when I was late in fear of them all looking at me. And so on.</p> <p>I'm so glad I had help dealing with those issues before they were too ingrained. There's nothing of it left, altough I'm still a reserved person. But I've always been that. It was a lot of work to get where I am know, but I know myself much better now than I ever did before. And I'm much more forgiving with myself.</p> <p>Just wanted to say - you're not alone! And it's fantastic you're putting yourself out there. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/extremely-longwinded-rant-on-being-an-introvert#post-851784 Sun, 17 Feb 2013 17:48:59 +0000 MsMary 851784@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I'm not really an introvert, I'm something even worse -- a shy extravert. Honestly, it's torture because I feel compelled to be out and among people but I'm shy about it. So although I am not quite a member of your tribe, I think I can empathize a little.</p> <p>Here's a story for you: Many years ago I decided I wanted to do martial arts because my son was taking classes and it looked like just so darned much fun. I was utterly mortified to start because I was considerably overweight and had never done anything even remotely athletic in my life. So I held back for months. Finally I sat myself down and said "Look, you will be embarrassed when you start. But do you want to do this more than you want to not be embarrassed?" And the answer to that was a resounding "yes!" So I went, and was embarrassed on a regular basis for weeks and months, but I ended up spending 10 years in martial arts and it was one of the best things I ever did. </p> <p>And to this day "I want to do this more than I want to not be embarrassed" and "I will do this while embarrassed" are two of the mottoes that I live by.</p> <p>And remember, all those people at the dance were once newbies, too. Maybe when you are an old hand, you will remember what it was like and you will reach out to the newbies! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/extremely-longwinded-rant-on-being-an-introvert#post-851783 Sun, 17 Feb 2013 17:47:18 +0000 Isis 851783@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Wow, Nancy, even going to a social dance alone is a PhD-level exercise in extroversion! Good for you! </p> <p>Asking a stranger to dance is just to much to ask of yourself!</p> <p>I would applaud yourself for taking dance lessons, and going to a social dance alone. Don't berate yourself for leaving early. Keep taking tickets or manning the drink table until you feel more comfortable. </p> <p>When I took dance lessons and went to dances (many years ago), I would go with a group of friends that I could ask to dance.....even then, I was always apprehensive about going, but had fun once I was there! I'm not sure I ever asked a stranger to dance, and I also always felt awkward when someone would ask me. ETA: felt awkward with strangers because I was/am a clumsy uncoordinated dancer! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/extremely-longwinded-rant-on-being-an-introvert#post-851766 Sun, 17 Feb 2013 17:32:02 +0000 Janet 851766@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Oh, I forgot to mention, have you read Susan Cain's book "Quiet"? Highly recommended for all introverts, as well as the extroverts who wish to understand their introverted loved ones better. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/extremely-longwinded-rant-on-being-an-introvert#post-851762 Sun, 17 Feb 2013 17:29:29 +0000 Janet 851762@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Nancy, I soooo understand this! My sister and I had a conversation about this kind of thing before we went to a big family gathering of about 50 relatives, most of whom we'd never met. There was a lot of anxiety, especially on her part, as she had the impression most of them already knew each other pretty well and we would be "outsiders." Well, we were from the branch of the family that was not as well-known to the others (ah, the joys of having a black sheep grandfather!), but everyone was most welcoming and friendly to us, and my sister's nervousness went away as we got to know individual people and make personal connections. The "group" was intimidating, the people themselves were not.</p> <p>It helped a lot that we went together. I have a harder time attending large group functions in which I don't know anyone when I go alone. Do you have a more adventurous friend who might go with you? Or also, I am wondering if perhaps your instructor might introduce you to another person who is hesitant to jump in, so you can get more comfortable together. </p> <p>One of the things that holds me back from participating in things like this is my fear of looking foolish. I have to actively remind myself that everyone had a first time doing whatever it is that scares me, and chances are the experienced people there will recognize that I'm new, and will be patient with me as I learn the ropes. </p> <p>Most people are kind enough to welcome "new" participants and share their knowledge and experience with them. I will never forget the man who shared my first training run two years ago, even though he has never shown up at another group run I've been to since -- he was an experienced runner, but was perfectly content to share my walk-two-minutes, run-two-minutes pace for the full hour of that training run. And I would be happy to do the same with someone starting out now, even though I'm far from an elite athlete myself. </p> <p>Taking that first step is the hardest part, and growth is just a series of first steps. I think it's awesome that you've already stepped out of your comfort zone! I have a feeling you'll soon take another step forward. Before you know it, you'll be having too much fun to worry about what others think! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/extremely-longwinded-rant-on-being-an-introvert#post-851747 Sun, 17 Feb 2013 17:21:04 +0000 Laurinda 851747@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>You have my admiration for putting yourself out there!</p> <p>I think it is wise to consider whether this is worth it to you -- maybe yes, maybe no, there is no one answer. </p>