https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ever-apologizing-for-looking-fab Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Fri, 24 Apr 2026 04:26:35 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ever-apologizing-for-looking-fab/page/3#post-1899195 Fri, 16 Mar 2018 16:28:33 +0000 Amy Isabella 1899195@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Such wise words in your last comment Katerina - they really struck a chord with me. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ever-apologizing-for-looking-fab/page/3#post-1899137 Fri, 16 Mar 2018 14:10:15 +0000 Bijou 1899137@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I have always loved fashion. Even as a very young child I preferred to be dressed up rather than casual and my Mother loved that I enjoyed fashion and nurtured that, allowing me to chose my own clothing and also taking me along with her when shopping for her clothing.<br />I have never felt that I needed to apologise for being well dressed as that has always been "my thing". In my job, as a professional, I have often been complimented for looking current yet professional in my style of dress. I have never felt that dressing well was frivolous and I am not self deprecating when complimented on my appearance. I always say thank you and often it is the start of a conversation with someone who also has an interest in fashion. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ever-apologizing-for-looking-fab/page/3#post-1899096 Fri, 16 Mar 2018 12:44:07 +0000 Katerina 1899096@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I can relate to Aquamarine and Janet. It is connected to judgment of one’s value system. It is sad though, that loving great clothes (which is not the same as expensive) and putting time and effort into cultivating one’s style is judged differently than other interests and “hobbies”. When people spend money on their gardens, cooking and kitchen equipment, sports and gear etc. - it seems to be accepted in a completely different way (at least here where I live).</p> <p>Also wanted to add that there is a difference between a genuine compliment - a kind and happy remark, and false compliments and other comments. Maybe, unfortunately, when we often get comments about the size of our wardrobes, number of scarves or shoes, being dressed up or similar, the true lovely compliments might also cause discomfort and fear to be judged. And generate explanations and excuses. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ever-apologizing-for-looking-fab/page/3#post-1899091 Fri, 16 Mar 2018 12:26:05 +0000 Janet 1899091@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Aquamarine makes a good point. I'm better about accepting compliments that are specifically about an item I'm wearing, OR compliments that come from strangers or people I don't know very well. It seems the closer the person, the more likely I am to deflect. Working on that! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ever-apologizing-for-looking-fab/page/3#post-1899080 Fri, 16 Mar 2018 11:45:05 +0000 Aquamarine 1899080@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Great thread. I’ve gotten much better at saying a simple “Thank you” when someone comments on something I am wearing. When I have deflected comments, it’s because I am either uncomfortable with the attention or fearing judgement on how I spend my money/time...basically, my value system. My comfort (or discomfort) level with attention depends on the circle of friends or acquaintances I am with. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ever-apologizing-for-looking-fab/page/3#post-1899061 Fri, 16 Mar 2018 09:06:18 +0000 anne 1899061@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Jessie, I agree with all your points! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ever-apologizing-for-looking-fab/page/3#post-1899053 Fri, 16 Mar 2018 07:02:33 +0000 jussie 1899053@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I agree with Krishnidoux- it’s probably nicest to say a genuine thank you to the compliment-er, as deflecting the compliment is almost like disputing their opinion. And I think most times the person is trying to be friendly, have a chat and it’s an easy way for them to start a conversation.<br /> Also I avoid judging others upon their attire, I don’t think that’s fair. Many lovely people have no interest in fashion at all.<br /> Great thread </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ever-apologizing-for-looking-fab/page/3#post-1898965 Thu, 15 Mar 2018 22:37:53 +0000 Katerina 1898965@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I am so impressed by the incredibly interesting posts from all of you.. There are many perspectives obviously and I personally relate to very much of what has been said here. And what is even more valuable are the new and different viewpoints, those that influence and perhaps change the way I see things. I have just written quite a long post trying to summarize my reflections and I was not happy about it and deleted it. It felt like fragments.<br /> What I have learned for sure from many of you here is that it is largely a matter of what we are used to, what we have always done - a question of a habit. It is possible to change a habit and to prepare and practice suitable responses. I am going to work on that. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ever-apologizing-for-looking-fab/page/3#post-1898888 Thu, 15 Mar 2018 17:29:20 +0000 krishnidoux 1898888@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>This is a great thread and a very compelling read. Such an important question! Thank you for putting it out there.&nbsp;</p> <p>I have learned to say thank you and refrain (the operative word here) from degrading myself, or excusing myself, or veer towards how or where I got it or how it was on sale etc. because all these statements, I came to realize, make ME feel better maybe, but do nothing for the person who complimented me. If I bring myself down, it's almost even not nice to the person because it's as saying that what (s)he complimented about was not worth it.&nbsp;</p> <p>I like MsMary's approach because each little addition she offered are not negative, they are full of humor and also present the interlocutor with a possible fresh conversation topic (such as - Oh, where on vacation did you go?).</p> <p>I am trying out this idea: I try to turn it towards the complimenter and focus on them, and then say something nice about the fact that they noticed ("Oh, how clever of you to have noticed that..." or "How kind to take the time to complment me like this").&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ever-apologizing-for-looking-fab/page/3#post-1898886 Thu, 15 Mar 2018 17:17:11 +0000 DonnaF 1898886@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Since joining YLF I have received a lot of compliments on my outfits, particularly in the past few years. I am learning to respond with a simple thank you but I still find it embarrassing—but not enough to change. You see, I think quite a few people at church have a What is Donna wearing THIS week? thing going on. Like maybe a half dozen.</p> <p>When I was going to school you could be either smart or pretty, and to be pretty you had to be blonde with long legs so that was out from the get go. But when you have youth on your side you can look fairly attractive without trying. </p> <p>Now that I am in my mid-60s, I feel that my appearance is also a political statement. But I also need to wear a vest, scarf and boots because I run very cold despite my two layers of Heattech and need a belt to hold up the pants. And since snapping this pic a few minutes ago I added my (studded) fingerless gloves since my fingers were turning purple. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ever-apologizing-for-looking-fab/page/3#post-1898870 Thu, 15 Mar 2018 14:56:28 +0000 MsMary 1898870@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>This is such an interesting conversation! I am fortunate to move in circles where it's the norm to take care in dressing, for the most part, so this doesn't come up for me all that much. But I have worked on understanding that just as "no" is a complete sentence, so is "thank you" a complete sentence in response to a compliment.</p> <p>Although sometimes I will elaborate, a la La Pedestrienne, and add "Thank you! Isn't it fun?" or "Thank you! I picked it up on vacation last year!" or "Thank you! It jumped out of the shop window and followed me home!" </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ever-apologizing-for-looking-fab/page/2#post-1898769 Thu, 15 Mar 2018 04:46:58 +0000 anne 1898769@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I absolutely relate to Brie's point - that often it can be more about connection than self depreciation.&nbsp; I think what you, Katerina, have said about scarves is fine - you are sharing a little something about yourself.&nbsp; I like to follow up a compliment with a bit of a story - "thanks, I like this too/ or I love this colour" "Thanks, do you know I've had this dress for 17 years, dresses from Portmans last so long" (to a fellow Portmans fan!) . Then as Brie said, you can move on to something about them.</p> <p>What I think is self deprecatory is "what this old thing?" or "I think I look terrible in it" (though even if I do think that then I'm truthful&nbsp; "so nice of you to say that because I was a bit unsure of this one").</p> <p>Also, wanted to share that I do want to be seen as not spending too much on clothes (as well as actually not spending that much). I'm well aware that although I spend less than most on YLF, and probably most people at work, that I would spend more than most women at church (because it is a student congregation) though that is partly because I work professionally and am older and need orthotic shoes etc (and don't like op shopping, which lots of them do). So I don't mind explaining something if relevant for a compliment (after saying thankyou) "I love this dress too, I bought it for my brother's wedding 6 years ago and I love to give it another outing" " A friend gave this to me" " I like this brand because it lasts" "I got it on sale".</p> <p> </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ever-apologizing-for-looking-fab/page/2#post-1898720 Thu, 15 Mar 2018 00:41:18 +0000 Echo 1898720@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I teach, and teachers, at least in my district, always self-deprecate regarding price. If you say you love someone's sweater, they will reply, "Seven dollars on sale at _____!" Getting something dirt-cheap seems to be the badge of honor as opposed to looking good. In nine out of ten cases, I cannot honestly say something like that. I have taken to giving a heartfelt "Thank you" when someone compliments how I look or what I am wearing. If someone pushes the issue and wants to know where I purchased something, I generally lie and tell them that I don't remember, as I would never tell others the price I paid for something (especially when it comes to shoes, bags or scarves); it would be perceived as shocking or boastful. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ever-apologizing-for-looking-fab/page/2#post-1898606 Wed, 14 Mar 2018 18:31:02 +0000 rachylou 1898606@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Oh, I have to say I relate to that, Brie. </p> <p>Also: must admit I’m reluctant to say if something comes from Neiman’s ($$$) but do love to say something came from Target ($). I will admit that I feel sensitive about about the price of things because I believe style can be had at any price. Nice things can be had at any price. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ever-apologizing-for-looking-fab/page/2#post-1898567 Wed, 14 Mar 2018 15:46:31 +0000 BrieN 1898567@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I think sometimes my wanting to add something after thank you is less about being self-depreciating and more about trying to maintain that verbal connection. Just saying thank you is very confident Etc, but it can also shut down the exchange. I try to say thank you and then something else, but something less about me. Like oh thank you I'm ready for spring or thank you, navy is a favorite or just something to keep the conversation flowing... </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ever-apologizing-for-looking-fab/page/2#post-1898565 Wed, 14 Mar 2018 15:39:10 +0000 The Cat 1898565@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Ever since the 70s, when people have made remarks like: "You are always so dressed up / coordinated / well-dressed / chic / elegant ...." (whatever), I have often replied: "Well, decorating one's person is one of life's everyday pleasures." This often make them smile--and perhaps think about it. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ever-apologizing-for-looking-fab/page/2#post-1898564 Wed, 14 Mar 2018 15:29:51 +0000 Anonymous 1898564@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>La Pedestrienne, your post above is brilliant. Thank you. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ever-apologizing-for-looking-fab/page/2#post-1898562 Wed, 14 Mar 2018 15:06:40 +0000 LaPed 1898562@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Finally getting around to reading this fascinating thread. I've certainly seen this apologetic, even shameful, attitude toward style and fashion in women. I think there's still a strong sense that to be successful you more or less have to do it the way men do, which means devoting yourself 100% to your chosen pursuit, no distractions or compromises. Don't have kids, don't make your own breakfast -- all that is a waste of time if you want to get to the top. Have a uniform -- like Steve Jobs or Mark Zuckerberg -- so you don't have to think about getting dressed. So we see minimalism come into vogue, this passion among a certain class of women for capsules and uniforms. Sure, it works for some people, but at the end of the day I think it's important to acknowledge that there's no one right way to do life, and many paths toward success (not to mention different definitions of success).</p> <p>As far as I'm concerned, wearing clothes you love is no different than having art on your walls or eating delicious food -- if you don't have time for the things you enjoy, then what is the point? But our zeitgeist right now seems to be one of function over form...</p> <p>I also tend to approach getting dressed as a form of mindfulness; my appearance is the interface between myself and the world. It is a transition between interior and exterior, self and other. If I do not put care and respect into that transition, how much harder is it for me to manifest care and respect in my daily interactions?</p> <p>It's taken me a long time to get to the point where I don't feel guilt or shame about owning nice clothes, wearing makeup, etc, and I still struggle. I try to remind myself that we all carry a lot of baggage regarding our gender, class, etc; we've all internalized many unreasonable and often contradictory expectations of how we ought to be/act/look. When people make judgments, their intent is not usually to harm; I remind myself that they are struggling under the weight of those same expectations. Their judgments have little to do with me as an individual. They are, rather, expressions of confusion and frustration with a culture that has a very hard time *not* shaming women, no matter what choices we make. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ever-apologizing-for-looking-fab/page/2#post-1898558 Wed, 14 Mar 2018 14:43:10 +0000 Christina F. 1898558@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I used to but lately I've been eschewing false modesty generally. (Hard to do as a woman, but I've been doing it as I get older without realizing it.)&nbsp; I usually say "thank you" and then I may share where I got a certain item, if I think the person will be interested. My boss kind of asked recently, and I did tell her I've been upping my wardrobe game in general because it makes me happier. There are a range of dressers here, so I don't stick out too much either way. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ever-apologizing-for-looking-fab/page/2#post-1898550 Wed, 14 Mar 2018 14:09:27 +0000 lyn67 1898550@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Great thread and very wise comments everybody. I will just add, there do exist people who can look great in PJ and without making any effort for all the events-BUT I unfortunately am NOT one of them. I HAVE to be groomed and dressed up to look, feel and ACT like my best self. That's why I do it and,&nbsp; to be honest I fear my elder age only&nbsp; for&nbsp; potentially&nbsp; not being&nbsp; able anymore. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ever-apologizing-for-looking-fab/page/2#post-1898533 Wed, 14 Mar 2018 13:29:51 +0000 Katerina 1898533@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>And I did it again :-(. Today. Explained, that I have a lot of scarves because it is the category of clothing I really love, I am not shopping other things like that etc. etc. Bad habit - needs to be worked on.&nbsp;</p> <p> </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ever-apologizing-for-looking-fab/page/2#post-1898519 Wed, 14 Mar 2018 12:52:51 +0000 Laura (rhubarbgirl) 1898519@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Sal's post +1million. I like hanging out on YLF because it is a community of people who find the same hobby interesting, but I try not to read too much into people's clothing IRL. There's just too many factors of social signaling, environmental norms etc. not to mention people's personal circumstances on the day. I try to accept compliments gracefully, but I still do like bragging on a bargain .</p> <p>Joy, such a great point. With the 'casualization' of dress, traditionally 'dressy' items can be a lot more affordable than athletic or casual gear. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ever-apologizing-for-looking-fab/page/2#post-1898449 Wed, 14 Mar 2018 07:48:14 +0000 Jenni NZ 1898449@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Hi Katerina I have read and re-read this post. Do I apologise or downplay looking fab sometimes? Yes, sometimes. It is true if I say I've had something a long time or it was on sale, and sometimes I do say those things, but partly to continue the conversation. I have noticed myself insisting on the "fake" provenance of my mother's opal necklace which I have worn several times in recent years. I've been complimented on it and asked what the jewels are, to which I immediately reply "fake opals". Someone said on Saturday "You shouldn't say that they're fake". They're a really good fake says the jeweller I checked them out with! I think it's partly discomfort that I may be thought to be extravagant, and Mum was just so NOT extravagant! I don't think she could have afforded real opals and I don't know where she got them, I never asked and she died in 1999.<br /> Overall, however, since I have been building a better wardrobe for over 10 years now especially in shoes, I think I've got better at accepting compliments and just saying thank you, or thank you, yes, I love bright colours ( or whatever it is they complimented). </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ever-apologizing-for-looking-fab/page/2#post-1898429 Wed, 14 Mar 2018 05:31:05 +0000 Katerina 1898429@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Just quickly popping in to thank you <b>all</b> so much<b> </b>for sharing your thoughts, feelings and experiences. It has been so very interesting and helpful to read all your posts and reflect. It also feels good to know that there are many people that feel similar about this issue. I will come back later to write some more. &nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ever-apologizing-for-looking-fab/page/2#post-1898391 Wed, 14 Mar 2018 02:41:22 +0000 Anonymous 1898391@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I have lots of thoughts on this topic but just want to add that many people have the opinion that being nicely dressed is expensive. I was surprised to figure out that buying the workout wear or sports team gear is just as costly, if not more so, than buying a dressier outfit. Second hand stores are full of gems and they can be found on sale racks. Shopping at Nordstroms does not need to be any more costly than shopping at Walmart. It may just take a bit more work, but that can also be fun. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ever-apologizing-for-looking-fab/page/2#post-1898379 Wed, 14 Mar 2018 01:58:49 +0000 April 1898379@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Another related topic we have discussed here in the past is the "What, you think you're better than me/us?" attitude that is sometimes evoked when one puts any effort into one's appearance.&nbsp; Not sure why some people feel judged by what others are wearing, but they do seem to.</p> <p>Maybe the apologizing is a way of fending off these sorts of hard feelings.&nbsp;&nbsp;</p> <p> </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ever-apologizing-for-looking-fab/page/2#post-1898303 Tue, 13 Mar 2018 22:35:38 +0000 Cardiff girl 1898303@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I was brought up in Britain so my default mode is to apologise,we are not taught how to accept complement s graciously.I have been practicing saying thank you when some one says something nice rather than launching into an explanation of why they shouldn’t have complemented me but I still find it difficult to do.Glad I’m not the only one! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ever-apologizing-for-looking-fab/page/2#post-1898299 Tue, 13 Mar 2018 22:30:25 +0000 hgr 1898299@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Hi Everyone,&nbsp;</p> <p>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; Great topic. &nbsp; I used to always respond to a compliment by making a funny comment that I felt would make the other person feel more comfortable. ( for example: &nbsp;"Nice dress.......... &nbsp;this old thing? &nbsp;I got it on sale") &nbsp;One day I came to the realization that if someone pays me a compliment say thank you, smile and leave it at that. You can't please everyone. &nbsp;Someone may compliment my outfit and someone else may question why I wore my outfit. &nbsp;Enjoy your clothes. Wear what makes YOU happy:) </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ever-apologizing-for-looking-fab/page/2#post-1898291 Tue, 13 Mar 2018 22:02:38 +0000 Gigi 1898291@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p><b>Sal,&nbsp;</b>I love your post! You are right that for some people, fashion just isn't something they're interested in. I myself fell into that category for many years. But I still had other hobbies that lent themselves to self-development and self-care.&nbsp;</p> <p>I agree too with the posters who say that a certain attention to appearance is one way of showing respect for others. I go to a dance studio for ballroom dance class most nights of the week, and since I am in such close proximity to others, I make an effort to look somewhat polished, even if it means just putting on a well-fitting outfit and making sure my ponytail is neat (hair may be dirty and not suitable to wear down). I often don't wear makeup, but everything else is in place. I think it really has a good effect on others.&nbsp;</p> <p>I know that for me, all things being equal, it is more uplifting to be with someone who is wearing a well-put-together outfit than someone who is dressed sloppily.</p> <p>I am grateful that I do not have too much interaction with a crowd that would find me dressed up just for putting on a heeled boot, as&nbsp;<b>torontogirl&nbsp;</b>has had to deal with. I think that would make me feel very self-conscious. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ever-apologizing-for-looking-fab/page/2#post-1898289 Tue, 13 Mar 2018 22:00:08 +0000 Anonymous 1898289@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Yes, agree completely with every word of<b> Sal's </b>paragraph beginning&nbsp; "But I do also believe that we should not judge negatively those who take less interest..".&nbsp;</p> </p>