YouLookFab Forum » Topic: Emotional rant

YouLookFab Forum » Topic: Emotional rant - I'm lost! https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/emotional-rant---im-lost Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Sat, 25 Apr 2026 12:59:31 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 <![CDATA[Search]]> q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php rachylou on "Emotional rant - I'm lost!" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/emotional-rant---im-lost/page/2#post-1419166 Mon, 05 Jan 2015 17:53:29 +0000 rachylou 1419166@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ This is a good topic. One I like to think about: identity. Identity politics is standard conversation fare in my little world. Anyways, I had a moment like this in college while trying to choose a major. I got some good advice from the career counselor: Look at what you already do, what already engages your attention. What you really like and are good at, your passion, you are probably already doing it... that does mean there's some serendipity involved. What you're exposed to determines the exact channels. Also... anybody see Meet the Parents? Where Ben Stiller's to-be-in-laws are visiting and looking at his 14th place ribbons his parents have saved? Yeah, not everyone is that special. Not everyone has a Great Novel in them. I think it's time to get over that idea. ...Jus' sayin', is all, we maybe could get some better reality shows on tv... Helena on "Emotional rant - I'm lost!" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/emotional-rant---im-lost#post-1417489 Thu, 01 Jan 2015 19:54:44 +0000 Helena 1417489@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Aziraphale, I do in many ways - that's what I am afraid of, I guess! However, I also (choose to) believe the very act of searching yields value of it's own. Thanks A. and all for your great wisdom and support ... truly a blessing ... And now ... up, up and away!! T-girl :D Aziraphale on "Emotional rant - I'm lost!" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/emotional-rant---im-lost#post-1417275 Thu, 01 Jan 2015 00:46:01 +0000 Aziraphale 1417275@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ One more thought, T-girl (haha, it's funny if you try to abbreviate your pseudonym, it sounds like an action heroine -- kind of like a cross between Supergirl and T-rex): to quote the great Mr. Pratchett, "Ye know full well that the meaning of life is to find your gift. To find your gift is happiness. Never tae find it is misery." I don't know how much you buy into that idea, but it's worth thinking about. Helena on "Emotional rant - I'm lost!" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/emotional-rant---im-lost#post-1417135 Wed, 31 Dec 2014 19:31:27 +0000 Helena 1417135@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Thanks so much for the ongoing support and wisdom on this thread. Every comment has been so supportive and helpful! xoxo Gaylene, that is a brilliant approach; I love that, and it seems like the perfect balm to my OCDish need to have everything figured down to the last detail. I can do that in the context of a small goal whereas it's impossible to do so for a huge vision. Thank you Gaylene and thank you everyone! Jules on "Emotional rant - I'm lost!" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/emotional-rant---im-lost#post-1417090 Wed, 31 Dec 2014 16:42:11 +0000 Jules 1417090@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Just popping in to say that as a WAHM (except for those glorious Canadian mat leaves which make all the difference...) I turned 40 early this year, and also had my work situation come to a bit of a crisis point in terms of misery outweighing benefits. My husband, whose income probably could support us at this point (was never the case before), was very supportive of me just quitting my job and then figuring things out from there. But I came to the fundamental realization that I need to be bringing home substantial bacon. It's part of my identity as well as no doubt a reaction to the fact both my grandmother and MIL were widowed suddenly in their 40s. Walking out the door to unknown prospects was not an option for me. Things are now looking up at work and I have some ideas for the future. The main reason I am posting is to say that even full-time working moms with good careers have these identity crises. I think very few people make or female make it to 40 without some serious self-examination. And it's an ongoing process viva on "Emotional rant - I'm lost!" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/emotional-rant---im-lost#post-1417016 Wed, 31 Dec 2014 12:55:35 +0000 viva 1417016@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I just wanted to wish you luck, Torontogirl. A very close friend of mine recently turned 40, and after staying home with her twins for seven years, and with her (much older) husband on the brink of retirement, she is ready to go back to work. She left behind careers in teaching and marketing research before the kids and wants now to do something completely different. I think the process of figuring out what was right for her was challenging. Ultimately, I believe she and her husband sat down with a couple of friends and talked through, with her, the things that bring her excitement and joy, and the kind of interaction, tasks, and life she is interested in. Now, she is about to begin coursework in occupational therapy, and she has connected with a therapist who is going to let her shadow her at work for a while. It's a scary time as she has a couple of years of schooling ahead of her, but she is also so excited about the undertaking. Wherever this leads you, I hope you find fulfillment and a healthy paycheck. xxx Gaylene on "Emotional rant - I'm lost!" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/emotional-rant---im-lost#post-1416945 Wed, 31 Dec 2014 03:23:54 +0000 Gaylene 1416945@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ OK, I just wanted to add a big YES to Aziraphale's comment. From my perspective at 65, what you are describing happens to many women in their 40s. I like to think of it as a coming of age process where you finally start figuring out what YOU want, as opposed to what you think you ought to want. The only insight I can add to Elisabeth's insights is that acting on a micro level is often much easier than being stymied about what direction to take on a macro level. Goal-directed behavior is so ingrained in most of us that it's easy to get stuck if you don't know what you want. My inspiration was a book written by Anne Mustoe, a gutsy 50+ woman who decided to ride a bike, solo, around the world even though she had no cycling experience or support group. The passage that always stuck with me was her description of setting off on a dark, rainy morning wondering what in the world she was doing. The only way she could leave her comfortable bed was to tell herself that she could ride to the main road, stop for a cup of tea, and decide then whether or not to continue. After achieving that goal, she then climbed back on her bike, telling herself she could ride to the next train station and, if she wanted, could take the train back home if she didn't want to continue. That sequence of setting a small goal, with the option to quit once that was accomplished, ended up in a trip around the globe. To me, that description has become a perfect metaphor for living one's life: pick a small goal, accomplish it, and then decide if you want to keep going in that direction. Aziraphale on "Emotional rant - I'm lost!" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/emotional-rant---im-lost#post-1416852 Tue, 30 Dec 2014 22:46:50 +0000 Aziraphale 1416852@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ OK, I'm back. Sorry for the delay. You've got tons of good advice already, but I really wanted to respond because I'm a mere couple of years ahead of you on this, and I can SO relate. Here are my thoughts, in no particular order: 1. I really like what Deb said! She has a bit more life experience than me, and what she says reflects what I've heard from other women of her age. 40 is only fabulous in Hallmark cards. In real life, it's usually a difficult transitional time, for completely understandable reasons. Rest assured that the 60-something women with whom I've discussed this topic say that it gets better. Often our 40s are our toughest years. 2. The loss of paid work, and the sense of identity that goes with it, was a way bigger deal for me than I had anticipated. I didn't adore my job, although I liked aspects of it, so when we had to opportunity to move to California for my husband's job, I was fully on board. I saw it as a great adventure. I loved the first year; I went back to college, I met new friends, and generally had a good time. Then I had a baby. I did NOT foresee two crucial things: one, that early motherhood is very isolating if you don't have a support network or a job to go back to; and two, becoming fully financially dependent on your husband can slowly erode your sense of self-worth. Sad but true. Some women seem to be able to quit paid work forever and it doesn't worry them, but others need a career, not only for the paycheque, but for their sense of personal identity. I'm one of the latter, and perhaps you are, too. 3. Neither position is better from a philosophical standpoint -- i.e., there is nothing inherently better about being a career woman or a full-time caregiver (which is essentially what a SAHM is) -- but from a practical standpoint, I'm with MsMary. You're taking a gamble if you get yourself into a position where you can't support yourself and your children. So I'm glad to hear that you're sending out resumes. :-)  4. I'm a total hypocrite in saying all this, because I too stayed home for the good of my family for ten years. Once we moved back to Canada, I could have gone back to work as a science teacher, and in fact that would have been totally do-able despite my husband's long work hours, because it's one of the few careers you can have that can be part time. However, I had other ambitions, so it made more sense to stay home until they were both in school. 5. I am so much happier now that I'm back at university. I'm also exhausted a lot of the time -- I won't lie! -- and always feel a bit under the gun trying to meet everyone's needs. But I wouldn't give it up for anything. I feel a sense of purpose, and a connection to a community outside of my home.  6. I disagree with A about volunteering a couple of hours a week. Volunteer work, while invaluable to society in general, isn't going to cut it if you really want to develop a sense of purpose (the possible exception being if you do something extreme like joining the Peace Corps and doing relief work in the Philippines). :-) I believe it's important for all of us to give back in some way, but if you're anything like me, the volunteer work has to be in addition to whatever else you do for work.  7. Make time for the good friends you have. I know you and your friends are all busy with young families and jobs (and perhaps ailing parents too), but if you let friendships peter out, you can't always get them back. Some friendships will fall by the wayside and that's OK, but decide which friends you want to keep, and make sure you find time to see them. I can't stress this enough. Sometimes it feels like one more thing on the list of stuff you have to do, but I swear, you won't regret it.  8. After all this depressing talk about how hard our 40s can be, I just want to add that it can be fun, too. Stressful? Sure. Exhausting? Sometimes. But it's a pivotal decade where you can learn to use the stressors in your life to help you narrow down what you want to do with the rest of it. Because that's the other thing I noticed about turning 40: I suddenly understood, on a gut level, that I am going to die. This realization gave me a lot more focus in terms of seizing opportunities of all kinds -- opportunities for joy, opportunities for learning, opportunities for connecting.  9. PM me anytime if you like. :-) Helena on "Emotional rant - I'm lost!" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/emotional-rant---im-lost#post-1416817 Tue, 30 Dec 2014 21:01:17 +0000 Helena 1416817@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Thank you so much everyone for your thoughts ... lots to think about here. It is good to read everyone's opinions about work ... it's a challenge to a lot of the decisions we've made, but that's not a bad thing. I totally agree that a woman should always be in a position to support herself and her family - my mom pounded that into me after she went back to work. For various reasons, we've split the workload the way we have - one because my husband makes way more money than I did, and needs flexibility for his job, two because the job I did before kids meant I was out of the house from at least 7 a.m. to 7 p.m., and therefore I would never see my kids. Given there was no financial reason to do this (from the whole family perspective), it didn't seem to make sense. However, I have deeply valued the contract/freelance work I've done precisely because it made me feel like I always had my foot in the door, no gaps in resume or experience. That sort of dried up in November, and it's driving me nutty not to be active with it. It also meant that things I do like having a gym membership are paid for by me, which I really valued. I am a very active volunteer as well - our school's healthy living initiatives, of which I am a parent champion, have been featured in national media, and we've lobbied our town successfully for things like stop signs in the school zone. I'm also part of a rebuilding committee for our church, which sadly burned down earlier this year. So, in one way, I'm very active, very productive, very fulfilled - but at the end of the day, the paycheque does matter to me - a lot more than I ever thought it would. Anyways, you've all inspired me; I sent out my first resume today and will keep looking for work that enables me to keep going on the home front as well as make some money, even if modest (for now - kids are only getting bigger, after all). BTW, that is not to be critical of either full SAHMs who have chosen to forego an income, or full-time working moms who are not always able to do the school run, etc .... I am a firm believer that we are all making decisions based on our needs and the needs of our families and that they are thus going to be different and I'm in no position to judge, only to admire! So glad to know this is a normal phase too ... this too shall pass as my mom always says ... Laurie on "Emotional rant - I'm lost!" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/emotional-rant---im-lost#post-1416804 Tue, 30 Dec 2014 20:32:07 +0000 Laurie 1416804@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ The off-topic board is one of my favorite things at YLF....and what a topic.  I am 53, and about 9 years ago I tried to make a change in my career.  I took myself on interviews with the top 6 companies in the field of retained executive search, figuring my background in high tech would be very interesting and that I could finally build a "career" and not just be a salesperson forever.   It was not successful - I was overqualified for any of the entry positions, and I was also a threat to the high-earning men, one of whom who told me 2 things: 1) I was around the corner from facing age discrimination so I better hurry to make a change and 2) why would he ever want me to join his company and threaten his income?  I went to my car, cried and went back to my home office and continued with the job I am still in.  I am the primary income for my family, and so my choices have definitely been limited by the need to earn a good salary and provide stable health benefits. I have been successful in software sales,  but as I "age out" of this youth-oriented business I struggle mightily with what is next.  I tease my son that he better hurry up and figure out what he's going to do in his life and then hire me for a back office job where it won't matter how old I am! However, I have had huge inspiration from a few amazing women recently.  My sister was fortunate to take a "package" with full retirement and benefits from a major pharma company when she was 46.  She could have joined another large company and earned big bucks, but she started a non-profit organization called Mentors & Meals.  She and her crew of volunteers help middle school kids who are not doing well in school and often who are low income, with an after school program that provides adult and senior high age tutors, and a hot meal. 4 years later she has had measurable results, earned many awards and grants, and has started back to school for a Masters degree in non-profit administration.   I have another friend who, at 54 (and as a young grandmother!!), received her PhD from Carnegie Mellon last year.  Finally, I have a 55 year old friend who was a writer and is a cancer survivor and is now at the U. of Maryland for a master's degree related to patient advocacy for critical /terminal care.  She went to Hong Kong on a research grant last summer. These women are amazing, and hit a major crossroads in their 40's that led them to such impressive accomplishments and very interesting new careers. Each of them is following a passion and that passion is the bedrock of their success. Notably, all have been the primary support for their families with their incomes for most or all of their parenting lives. What an inspiring thread - we should all give ourselves the gift of time to think about this subject now and as the new year begins. TorontoGirl - the fact you are asking these questions means that you don't want to just be grateful for a nice normal life.  There is something out there that you are meant to do.... fern on "Emotional rant - I'm lost!" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/emotional-rant---im-lost#post-1416791 Tue, 30 Dec 2014 19:39:39 +0000 fern 1416791@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I totally understand and have shared your feelings. It turns out many, many people go through this, across cultures, and maybe across species. Mid-life is hard. Psychologists call it a "U-curve". We can call it "Deb is right". Here is the Atlantic article, or you can google "u-curve" for other sources: <a href="http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2014/12/the-real-roots-of-midlife-crisis/382235/" rel="nofollow">http://www.theatlantic.com/mag.....is/382235/</a> It is great advice to start doing "something", and see where it leads you, but maybe the direction of your first steps doesn't matter because you will find meaning whichever direction you go. What do you have to offer to others? Who do you admire? Since you asked for personal steps,  I imitate the people I admire. When I was really struggling, I tried to make art quilts in the style of an amazing quilt artist.  As it turns out, I have my own style. My husband suggested I start an Etsy shop for the art I was already making. I knew he and my friends liked my art, but they had to. By putting it "out there" I got positive reactions (from strangers!), sold a few pieces and gained confidence. I just found a video of an amazing fabric artist with a beautiful studio and garden in Cornwall and felt deeply "I want that", so that helps define my next steps. Angie on "Emotional rant - I'm lost!" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/emotional-rant---im-lost#post-1416700 Tue, 30 Dec 2014 15:11:56 +0000 Angie 1416700@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ TG, these are important questions to ponder, because you ARE an introspective person. I'm glad that you felt comfortable to share them here, and upon doing so - received many more questions to think about.   What you do each day creates part of your identity. For some, this is a strong identity, and for others it's less strong. Did you work before you had kids?  deb on "Emotional rant - I'm lost!" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/emotional-rant---im-lost#post-1416603 Tue, 30 Dec 2014 06:35:46 +0000 deb 1416603@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Oh ladies, I remember going through this at your age. I feel it was worse than my teenage years because well, I was an adult and adults were supposed to know about it all. I thought I was failing at life. I finally sought out a good therapist to bounce ideas off of. This was important for me because this person had no connection to my life and could ask questions without emotional involvement. Slowly the pieces started to fall into place. Maybe that is not quite correct. I think I started letting go and letting the pieces fall where they did and rolled with it. It became an adventure then. I went back to school, not for anything in particular. Just to learn. The college catalogues were like Christmas catalogues and meeting new, younger people gave me confidence. It showed me how far I had come in life, all the knowledge I acquired, and how lucky I was.  It helped with my transition into the next stage of my life.  I will be 61 in a few weeks and life is good now. Who said the 40's were fabulous, anyway? They certainly were not for me. Hang in there and post here. We will listen and commiserate. Anonymous on "Emotional rant - I'm lost!" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/emotional-rant---im-lost#post-1416566 Tue, 30 Dec 2014 03:08:12 +0000 Anonymous 1416566@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I am 44 and I feel this 'finding yourself' theory is mostly bunk. I agree with MsMary about fully supporting youself and any children. When we lived in another province, I worked very part time and was worried about my goals, my long term passions, how I contibuted, etc. And was quite unhappy. Then we moved and I had to work full time to help maintain our lifestyle and really, I have no time to worry about the bigger picture, and my passions. I find happiness in small things as most professional working mothers, such as dinner with friends, a mug of tea and chat with my kids. Recently I landed a huge promotion and feel like an equal partner financially and emotionally in my marriage. I am breakneck busy but happy :) I would say to ensure you keep any professional contacts, networking etc in your field. The Dali Lama once said one way to feel needed is to be needed, perhaps a few hours of volunteering every week. Hope I wasn't preachy Tania on "Emotional rant - I'm lost!" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/emotional-rant---im-lost#post-1416541 Tue, 30 Dec 2014 02:08:47 +0000 Tania 1416541@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I just read this post and it resonated strongly.  I also turned 40 this year.  The push to explore my style is really one way for me to help define who I am for myself.  I worked for several years in my field of training, then changed to a career that I fully expected to return to post-kids.  I became ill and could not return when I expected.  At this point, I am feeling better, but what I planned changed and I haven't replaced it with another intentional plan of my own.  DH and I are working on a 4 year plan.  I also feel that I am on the outskirts.  I am an introvert, and due to life circumstances, haven't had close friends nearby for a while.   I think the advice to do "something" is solid.  Action will shake something out.  I have also found it helpful to make gratitude lists, lists of positive traits/skills that I have, and lists of people that are in my life.  I often wake up in the morning and repeat them to myself and feel more abundance.  I think being grateful does not mean that things won't change for me, or that I have to accept current circumstances though...it just takes away the emotional drain that negative thinking can cause.  rabbit on "Emotional rant - I'm lost!" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/emotional-rant---im-lost#post-1416512 Tue, 30 Dec 2014 00:55:31 +0000 rabbit 1416512@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Man I feel this way a lot. Lots of good wisdom and life experiences here.  My own path has been somewhat similar to Janet's I think, and I really echo what she said about 'choice paralysis' and also also that starting 'somewhere' with taking a concrete step to commit to trying something will eventually lead you to a new direction, even if it's by a  meandering path in hindsight. For me such things as a chance meeting with a stranger at a bar, a technical issue at work,  and a community ed class led to completely new careers and life experiences at different points.  It's much easier in my experience just to focus on taking the first step forward, then the next, trusting that you will learn what you need to as you go and correct your course accordingly, than to try to figure it all out on paper ahead of time from the thousands of options. I've also found for myself that structure and a work community is very, very important and that it contributes a lot to mental health and sense of identity, and when I have completely self-directed time (due to working from home or free-lancing for example), it actually creates very real challenges that I never would have anticipated beforehand.   Not that they can't be overcome but it's possible to discover your passion, be successful at it, and still struggle on a daily basis.   Olga on "Emotional rant - I'm lost!" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/emotional-rant---im-lost#post-1416456 Mon, 29 Dec 2014 22:47:57 +0000 Olga 1416456@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ We are probably going through some midlife crisis. I'm 38 and very lost as well. Lost in a different way but still lost. I feel like I'm so busy - I don't have time for anything, yet, there are so many things I want to do! I don't have a solid career going on, because after I moved to USA I spend a few years raising my husband's sons and now that they are grown I have my 8 y.o. daughter to raise. And it's so tough in USA! I grew up in USSR, I was 15 when it collapsed. It was so much easier for our parents! Schools did a really great job of educating us, without our parents' help, there was nothing dirty or violent, or stupid on TV, we walked everywhere on our own. Here I have to drive my daughter everywhere, do homework with her, read for her every day - I feel like I'm her slave! This sounds like I don't love her. I do of course! That's why I don't want to go work in some office and be able to do even less for her, leave her to this poor education system (no offence, guys but schools in USA really suck, especially in Arizona), stupid TV and junk food. Besides, I do have passions. And I don't want to waste my talents (which I know I have) by spending my life on a boring 9 to 5 job. I'm trying to establish my own business but it's hard. I'm stressed and under-slept all the time. So Soviet Union collapsed in 1991, there were a lot of changes, a lot of tough times, but we all survived. From then on I was a citizen of Ukraine (a former Soviet republic which became an independent country) and all of my closest friends are from there, even though a lot of them are scattered all over the world now. Now Ukraine seems to have split into... I don't know what yet, it's still uncertain. There has been a war in my home town, my parents had to live through bombings, no water (in July!), no electricity, no food, no money. I had to live through no connection with my home town and not knowing whether all the people I care about are still alive and well. Now a lot of my friends had to move somewhere else and try to build their lives up again from scratch. It's not easy anywhere, even less so in a country that's going through some turmoils. Other friends are brainwashed and politically disoriented and I'm not sure I can even be friends with them any more... I can't justify the genocide Ukrainian government performed in Eastern Ukrainian cities, no matter what. I don't know when I'll be able to visit my home town again. I don't know if it will still be a part of Ukraine, or Russia or a separate state in itself. I don't know if I will ever be able to see those people who had to move - will they be in a different country by then? I gave up on so many parts of my soul within this last year - it's scary. My soul is going through the second stage of necrosis I guess. Add it to the fact that I feel like I should have achieved a lot more by now and I haven't and you've got a picture of a total mess of a person, struggling without any perspective of this struggle ever coming to a close. I don't have a lot of advice for you, Torontogirl. I'm lost too but it's a different kind of "lost" and I'm not even sure how to deal with mine. But maybe just knowing that there are other close to 40 women who are "lost" will help you. Because I know your ranting makes me feel like I'm not the only struggling person and it helps. Today's media kind of make you feel like you're the only failure in the world - perfect mom blogs, perfect careers, a world of overachievers on every page of every magazine you open... I really hope it's not quite accurate. I've even thought about starting a blog about all this - personal struggles for aging underachievers, with a little bit of style and DIY along the way. But how could I fit that into my already overloaded schedule? Maybe I'm also very disorganized, who knows! Another struggle to fight and win, hopefully. Dimity on "Emotional rant - I'm lost!" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/emotional-rant---im-lost#post-1416451 Mon, 29 Dec 2014 22:39:30 +0000 Dimity 1416451@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Torontogirl, I totally get this. I've been searching for meaning and purpose for a long time. I'm 46 and a couple of years ago I left a highly paid, prestigous career to return to uni for postgraduate study. While I found a certain sense of satisfaction in my career, and I was at director level so had staff and privileges and power (ahem!), I feel that the research work I can contribute to is much more important in leading me to contribute to society in the way I want to do. In order to give up work, we had to make A LOT of lifestyle changes because I was earning more than my husband at that point. It was a big deal. I am forever grateful to my husband for his encouragement and support. The thing that I didn't anticipate, though, was the complete questioning of 'who am I' after leaving work. This is why I'm struggling with clothes right now. I hadn't thought I defined myself by my work, but making a contribution to the household was important to me and I'd been in that career path for a long time. I knew who I was and I could see the path stretching in front of me but I didn't want to follow it. When I left, I started to redefine who I am and what I want. It's a normal part of midlife to questions one's path and goals and what legacy we want to leave to the world. It doesn't always have to involve such a dramatic shakeup as I experienced, but it's a normal process to redefine and reevaluate our lives. That doesn't mean that it's easy, because to be successful in resolving these issues, you really have to dig deep and be honest with yourself. Finding purpose might be defining your contribution to the world, as Lisa suggests. My life philosophy is now easy for me to state. I believe that the purpose of life is to be happy (in a deep, meaningful sense, not a flippant sense). I believe that one achieves happiness through meaningful work and good relationships with other people. And so I work toward these goals and evaluate choices against them.  Please know that we all go through this and though our paths are different, we're all in it together! harmonica on "Emotional rant - I'm lost!" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/emotional-rant---im-lost#post-1416450 Mon, 29 Dec 2014 22:39:28 +0000 harmonica 1416450@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I'm so sorry you are struggeling. Transition time can be chaotic and painful, but I support doing something fun. And take a good look into yourself - make a stop and be there. I found great support in yoga, meditation and physical activity - but I understand that it is not for everyone. Anyway -- your last sentence made me laugh - I totally hear you "Who knew 40 would be so hard?!? I thought it was supposed to be "fabulous"!! *sigh* " Anonymous on "Emotional rant - I'm lost!" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/emotional-rant---im-lost#post-1416428 Mon, 29 Dec 2014 22:08:49 +0000 Anonymous 1416428@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I am 58 and for many years always questioned if I took the right path in life. I may never know the answer even though the path I have traveled has been great. I went to college and later received my MBA and worked in my dream job until I married in my mid 30s and relocated to another state. That is when I felt things fell apart. I gave up my dream job to be married. I did find another job soon after marrying, but not the job I left. A couple of years later I had my one and only child at age 37 and decided to become a SAHM. I truly believe that if I still had my dream job I would have continued working while raising my DD. I never had a friend that I could have confided in regarding this and I mourned for the career I could have had for many years. I did go back to work part-time at some point, but thought the position was beneath me since I was way overqualified and after a few years the company was sold and I was laid off. After that I did not return to working and feel a need to do something important, but do not know what that is. I did volunteer for many years at my DD's school and for a few other places. I felt I contributed a great deal while I volunteered, but somehow my efforts did not feel appreciated and I saw others go through the same thing. A few people volunteer and others expect you to do everything while they sit back and do nothing, like in my DD's elementary school. I have been asked many years later since I am an empty nester to help out at my DD's old elementary school and I declined and am happy I did. In the meantime, I am trying different things, like sewing, drawing, mosaics, etc. I want to learn French and how to play the piano. I think it is "me" time now and I want to try many different things while I still can. So you are not alone in your search to find your passion. Just keep looking and you will find it. Lyn D. on "Emotional rant - I'm lost!" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/emotional-rant---im-lost#post-1416408 Mon, 29 Dec 2014 21:07:08 +0000 Lyn D. 1416408@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I know I went through this stage a decade ago when I was your age- my children were more independent and I felt less 'needed' in that role. I went back to study and completed 2 courses, and work in neither field right now. As MsMary said, it is good to know that I have these qualifications and am way more 'employable' though! The best thing I did was Volunteering in a different area again, and Lisa touched on this very important point for feeling that you are making a difference in other people's lives. Best of luck, we are looking forward to your next step! Kristin SF on "Emotional rant - I'm lost!" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/emotional-rant---im-lost#post-1416393 Mon, 29 Dec 2014 20:19:22 +0000 Kristin SF 1416393@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Ah. I was just having this exact conversation with DH last night. I've been at the same job for 16 years. Now, I have an oppty to switch jobs. It's a lateral move (he thinks) but in a totally new-to-me area of tech. The learning curve would be STEEP. I am so conflicted because my current job is easy and perfect with 2 small kids. A new job would be a lot of work AND study. What to do.... So DH says, what do YOU want to do with your life? What is your passion?? Ugh, the age old question. One I've never really been able to answer. (So you are NOT alone there.) In my mid-20s, I did what Janet suggested. I just picked something I thought I would like, and yes, I was good at it and I've been doing it for 16 years. So I think her advice is valuable. Is it my passion? No. I enjoy it - some parts more than others, lol. Do I have a passion? Not yet discovered. Do I NEED to have a passion? It would be so nice to work in a job that *was* my passion but so far, I haven't figured that out. In the meantime, I do get satisfaction from my job, and from contributing to the family household. In your case, if your income is not needed, then I think taking a class or two sounds ideal. It will most certainly be interesting, and who knows - could unveil some insights into what you might like to devote more time to (either on the job front, or on the graduate school front). Also, MsMary's advice is super. That's what my mom always told me from Day 1, too. ...And one more thought - try not to put too much pressure on yourself to find your passion NOW. If you don't figure it out right now (or ever), it's not like you've failed. Just enjoy the journey. I try to remind myself of this all the time. Good luck. As Janet says, this time in your life sounds very exciting!! Helena on "Emotional rant - I'm lost!" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/emotional-rant---im-lost#post-1416387 Mon, 29 Dec 2014 20:10:10 +0000 Helena 1416387@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Thanks for everyone's indulgence, feedback and wisdom. You guys are amazing ... thank you for NOT calling me out of being a spoiled brat, but rather being both honest and encouraging. Yes - I need to move. You are right. lisap, your comments are super-helpful too - I can think in terms of contribution, which I actually do quite a bit through volunteer work, so perhaps the job piece doesn't necessarily need to be the life purpose - it can play a supporting role to the "good stuff" (i.e. freedom with my family and to volunteer for causes). (btw - I have been doing freelance for 5 years; I have not been completely off work - but the company I've been freelancing for has gone through transition so they haven't had work for me for the last couple of months, and likely won't for several more).  Who knew 40 would be so hard?!? I thought it was supposed to be "fabulous"!! *sigh* :D texstyle on "Emotional rant - I'm lost!" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/emotional-rant---im-lost#post-1416386 Mon, 29 Dec 2014 20:09:45 +0000 texstyle 1416386@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Meaning in life is something I imagine most of us strive to gain. Some choose to have children and think it is enough meaning to them. Others volunteer for various organizations and feel that it is enough to them. Some have jobs that feel very meaningful. And some, well maybe all of them if they are honest, STILL struggle with true meaning in life! I think the end of the year brings it to the forefront. I agree with the advice of "get busy" - and see if you can find some passion in something. Friends that you can't confide in are not a big problem, in fact, I think it's a reality that most friends you probably shouldn't confide in! Maybe you're not spending enough time on yourself. What brings you to tears? What makes you feel excited? What makes you feel safe? If you do depend on someone else for income and lifestyle, that is an area where I'd make a change. It's just not wise to depend on someone else for your future. No matter how great you think everything is going. No matter what commitment you feel you have. Knowing you can count on yourself is a vital part of life. To me, a well lived life is not about public success, or an exciting job, or how you dressed - it's about personal, internal contentment. Knowing you were a good person, helped people, cared about the world and did what you could to make it a better place. It's also about having fun, smiling, laughing, pointing out the joy and the positive things as much as you can. Anonymous on "Emotional rant - I'm lost!" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/emotional-rant---im-lost#post-1416379 Mon, 29 Dec 2014 19:59:50 +0000 Anonymous 1416379@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I can really relate to a lot of what you are expressing here.  I'm older than you, and do need to work to contribute to my family's lifestyle, but I still struggle mightily with that "what do I really want to be doing" question.  I wish I could say it's lessened over the years, but that wouldn't be truthful.   But - the change I've made in my thinking is to move from a "what about me?" to a "what do I want to contribute to this world?" .  This isn't anything new, I know, but it took many years to finally understand what that really meant.  I like my job and the career I've chosen, but I wouldn't say I love it anymore.  It's hard, stressful and very competitive.  But instead of looking to change it all up now at the age of 53 and try to find something else that makes me happier , I've decided that my contribution to this world will be in what I can do for other people and in how I can make a positive impact in my small part of the world.  I read an article yesterday about a former acquaintance of mine who was just awarded the Order of Canada.  She is a musician, wealthy, and wildly talented. But she and her husband said they get  more gratification from their lives in service to others than they do from all the money and fame they have.  They do charity work - which is why they received this O of C - and that really resonated with me.  It's something I want to investigate, and something I'd like to have my 18 year work on with me. Aziraphale on "Emotional rant - I'm lost!" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/emotional-rant---im-lost#post-1416323 Mon, 29 Dec 2014 17:54:05 +0000 Aziraphale 1416323@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Torontogirl, I've got to run out now, but this is an excellent question that many, many women grapple with (don't feel alone!) I want to answer this more fully when I can. For now, I'm going to agree with what MsMary says. More thoughts on that later. Suz on "Emotional rant - I'm lost!" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/emotional-rant---im-lost#post-1416298 Mon, 29 Dec 2014 17:11:16 +0000 Suz 1416298@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ TG - it sounds like a difficult transition time. But these can be times of opportunities. You've identified what isn't working. Now, as Janet says, it's time to move. It almost doesn't matter what you choose. Commit to something that sounds fun, scary, interesting, rewarding, or meaningful. And forge ahead. The rest will follow -- definitely not according to plan, but life will not lack for interest! :)  MsMary on "Emotional rant - I'm lost!" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/emotional-rant---im-lost#post-1416278 Mon, 29 Dec 2014 16:47:23 +0000 MsMary 1416278@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Okay, I posted and then it disappeared, so maybe that was a sign I was out of line, but I'm going to re-type it anyway: It has long been my firm belief that every woman should have the ability to financially support herself and any children she may have.  If you don't currently have that ability, maybe getting yourself to a point where you could support yourself and your children if you needed to would be an interesting and fulfilling project for the next few years.  You may well not ever need to put it into practice, but believe me when I tell you it's nice to know you could if you had to.  And certainly there would be a lot of interesting self-discovery along the way. Just a thought... TraceyLiz65 on "Emotional rant - I'm lost!" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/emotional-rant---im-lost#post-1416263 Mon, 29 Dec 2014 15:52:54 +0000 TraceyLiz65 1416263@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I am 49 and about your age I met the friend I had waited my entire life for... The one I can call and say anything and it's reciprocal!  When I met her I saw that she was surrounded by "emotional vampires" and was exhausted.. Since then she is now surrounded by givers!  There may be the right person in your circle and it takes confidence and vulnerability to deepen a friendship.  I wish you luck in finding that.   I am with you in the other part... for now I have 4 years to finish homeschooling my youngest child, but then what??  I agonize over what is it that I will choose for me.. I don't have any answers just questions.. Just wanted to offer that you are not alone in this.. Hoping you get some inspiring answers that perhaps I can glean something from... Glad you posted this and reached out for support...we all need it at times and this site has the best supportive women!   Janet on "Emotional rant - I'm lost!" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/emotional-rant---im-lost#post-1416256 Mon, 29 Dec 2014 15:35:10 +0000 Janet 1416256@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ First of all, I'm sorry you're struggling with this! However, I think this could be really exciting for you, to discover something new. In a way, I understand. As someone who never went the traditional "get married and have kids" route, I've had the opportunity a couple of times to change tracks in my life and decide to pursue something new. It's a HUGE blessing and privilege, because I know a lot of people who would dearly love to make changes in their lives but feel stuck with financial obligations, children to care for, etc. Back when I was pondering quitting my graphic design career for a new challenge, an artist friend told me: It's not as important what direction you start moving in, as much as that you just start moving. We can so easily be overwhelmed and paralyzed by choices when we're waiting to make changes in our lives, but when we start doing *something* a path starts to appear in front of us. In my case, it was studying architecture and interior design. I never finished a degree in it, but that course of action eventually launched a series of events (a job with a design firm, opportunities to show my art...) that brought me to where I am now. So maybe an idea would be to simply do something like flip through a catalog for a local community college (or is it called something different in Canada?) and see if something looks interesting. Or take yourself on a little date to some place or event that sounds fun to you, like ice skating or bowling or a museum that appeals to you -- anything, as long as it sounds like fun! Good luck!