YouLookFab Forum » Topic: Doubt.....

YouLookFab Forum » Topic: Doubt..... https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/doubt Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Thu, 23 Apr 2026 00:52:00 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 <![CDATA[Search]]> q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php Aida on "Doubt....." https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/doubt#post-1671082 Thu, 02 Jun 2016 00:09:40 +0000 Aida 1671082@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ What an insightful thread, both the original post and all the replies. Maneera, I like your idea of booking the resort then just doing whatever the vacation calls for once you get there. That used to be totally against my nature, too, but my husband is all about that and I've learned to really enjoy it (we do both kinds of "planning", depending on the trip). I'd suggest looking into a few options ahead of time, not so that you can pick things to do necessarily, but so that you've got an idea of what kinds of pieces you'll need to pack -- gotta have the right stuff to wear for all that spontaneous fun AviaMariah on "Doubt....." https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/doubt#post-1670935 Wed, 01 Jun 2016 21:03:22 +0000 AviaMariah 1670935@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I'll have to come back to read the responses to your post because I'm sure there's a lot of wisdom here.  The only thing I wanted to say is many times we have to swing to the extreme on both ends of the spectrum before we find our balance.  So give yourself time a grace. Sihaya on "Doubt....." https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/doubt#post-1670700 Wed, 01 Jun 2016 14:59:03 +0000 Sihaya 1670700@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Hang in there Maneera and look forward to hearing the outcome of some of these new ideas. Maneera on "Doubt....." https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/doubt#post-1670492 Wed, 01 Jun 2016 04:05:21 +0000 Maneera 1670492@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Thanks a lot, ladies. I was right in believing that there is a lot of wisdom here on YLF. I am glad I wrote this post…because you all have come up with some amazing insights. Summer – You HAVE helped me. It’s good for me to know that not everyone is constantly planning and plotting for the future. When you are a *certain* type of person, it’s sometimes hard to believe that there are ‘other’ ways of living your life. You are a living, breathing proof that a happy life is not always the result of planning every single move every single way. Thank you for your contribution to this thread. Aliona – You never cease to amaze me. “We are all works in progress” ---- that single line, alone, has more wisdom packed into it than a lengthy essay on how to find out who you are. Yes, it’s a work in progress. I have to keep connecting with myself and keep learning out things about myself. I may not like them all, some may even trouble me, but if I don’t make the effort to find out who I really am, I can’t change the things I do not like. Thank you….I will respect this process and now understand that our dreams, expectations, goals are ever-changing, so it’s not exactly a bad thing to keep changing with them. Dottie – That’s very helpful. Thanks for this. I can appreciate the wisdom in these words and I’m glad you shared it here. Windchime – Thank you so much for that! I know it’s not necessarily a “bad” thing to keep planning for the future or the “next-big-thing”. What stopped me in my tracks was the fact that my husband felt “pressured” all the time. He’s the sweetest man that ever lived and his life’s mission is to make every silly dream I conjure up come true. It’s true. So when I have a new dream every day, he has a hard time keeping up! I felt terribly guilty when he confessed that he’s always under pressure because he’s constantly planning to make all my dreams come true. On the other hand, I was a fabulous dreamer but not always the best planner…I have learnt to slow down and am happy for that. Sihaya – That’s a beautiful article. Thanks for sharing. I think you’re right in saying that my fear is a safety blanket. I like the familiar. But I have realized that trusting in the unknown can also be a good thing. I’m just not the kind of person to ever dwell on the past….to me the past belongs in the past. But I like the idea of giving myself 30 minutes a day to just BE…..if it takes me into a future, so be it. Since its time-bound, I don’t have to fear relapse. Thank you so much for your advice. Xtabay – You’re a very very wise woman. And you’re right --- it’s the quietude that helps us reconnect with ourselves. IF we are always busy doing something or the other, where is the time to listen to the voices inside our heads?! I used to have a very busy mind…it was always conjuring up things/words/ideas. Believe it or not, most nights I had trouble sleeping because my brain was “talking”. Often, it would be just random words…they made no coherent sense…they were not real sentences…just some words popping in there. It may be my job….I work with words, so I find it hard to stop the words from floating around my head. However, these days, my mind has quieted down a lot. And I am truly truly thankful for that.  Suz – Thank you for your long comment. You are right ---- my husband and I have a beautiful relationship. Very mature, very honest…it’s a gift. I encourage everyone around me to speak their mind without any fear that they will offend/anger me. This is mostly because that’s the kind of person I am too…I like to tell others what I honestly think and I have a strategy for it. I cite examples to support my beliefs so that the other person knows I’m not just saying things…I am saying them ‘based on’ something I have noticed. My husband knows me well and this particular conversation happened in the most amazing, kind and gentle manner. I was badgering him that he isn’t excited about planning our next trip in May 2015 (we went to Maldives in April end 2015). I wanted to know “why he is not excited about it”; not where we were going. He was honest and told me he feels constantly pressured because I am always onto the NEXT thing, and that just sucks any possible excitement out of his life. He likes to feel happy about things while planning them, doing them, and then remembering them fondly for a while afterwards. I used to be only excited during planning and once the “thing” started to happen, I’d already be planning the next thing. Serial Planner, he calls me. Then he showed me tickets – he had already planned a trip to Singapore in August 2015 and was done with all the bookings but had wanted to surprise me…but I didn’t give him a chance to surprise me…I was constantly badgering. That’s when he pointed out my flaws and he had such a pained expression on his face, I felt really guilty. And yes, I took it very seriously. Regarding my next trip; I think you’re right. And you have given me a BRILLIANT idea. I want a vacation that’s completely stress-free. Maybe I am going to do something that’s COMPLETELY against my nature. It’s something my husband has wanted to do for a while but I can’t go along with it. To reach a destination and know nothing about it beforehand. To enjoy the mystery of the place…to not have gone through every possible trip advisor photo and know every single nook and cranny of your hotel/resort long before you actually land there, and go armed with a long list of exactly what we will be doing through every single day. Maybe I will book tickets to Krabi, book a resort that’s bang on the beach…and then leave it at that. So we can decide what we want to do, how we want to spend time, and make this whole thing spontaneous. Yes, that’s what I am going to do. THANKYOU SO SO MUCH for helping me with this idea!!!! Rachylou – Yes, I am 100% with you. I am not going to adapt. I don’t want to write listicles or do vlogs. I write for the joy of writing. Without that, I’m done. If this career choice is a dying format, I am ready to hang up the hat and try something new. Sally – Thank you. I am glad for the lessons I am learning every single day. For me, a huge part of the problem was that I wasn’t really connected to many people. Working from home does that to you….you start to miss out on very important human interactions. But once I discovered YLF, I started to feel like I am a part of something. I knew all these amazing women whom I may never meet in real life, yet I got to know them, know their thoughts and opinions, and that helped me broaden my horizons. It really helped me understand what is important to me in the here and now. And yes, I am excited about Thailand!   Ledonna N. on "Doubt....." https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/doubt#post-1670289 Tue, 31 May 2016 21:57:47 +0000 Ledonna N. 1670289@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Rachylou I feel the same way.  Because I get to flourish in my personnel life or afterwork life. The monotony gives me a steady while afterwork thrives.  I feel like it is my ebb vs flow.  Sal on "Doubt....." https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/doubt#post-1670278 Tue, 31 May 2016 21:32:01 +0000 Sal 1670278@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Maneera, thanks for this honest post.  Congratulations on achieving veteran status.  You are a great person on the forum- positive, joyful. I love what Aliona wrote: It's my (hard-learned) belief that we are all works in progress. We discover and practice new things that assimilate into who we are and then we learn some more. On top of that, there's a natural adjustment in our wishes and expectations as we grow through life. I think this is especially true of inherently creative people like you--you're just more curious. I see that over the last year you have moved on from where you used to be, addicted to busyness and goals.  You have learnt to be centred and enjoy your life, your husband, your dogs and your friends - such an important lesson that some people NEVER learn.   A trip to Thailand will be very exciting and beautiful and interesting - I have visited twice and I adored it - especially the food!!   rachylou on "Doubt....." https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/doubt#post-1670171 Tue, 31 May 2016 17:43:02 +0000 rachylou 1670171@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I'm a writer too and am in the same place professionally, to be honest. I love my dead job and I've started to love being not so focused on it... Anonymous on "Doubt....." https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/doubt#post-1670145 Tue, 31 May 2016 17:02:44 +0000 Anonymous 1670145@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Just adding:  I wish I had said what Suz said!  So much wisdom and truth there.  Suz on "Doubt....." https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/doubt#post-1670132 Tue, 31 May 2016 16:25:13 +0000 Suz 1670132@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Maneera, congratulations on becoming a veteran! As others have said, you are such a vital part of the community that it feels as if you have been on YLF for longer! Becoming a veteran is a time of reflection for sure. We often pause to collect our thoughts about what brought us to the site and how we have changed.  I am focusing on the fact that it was your husband's comment that brought you up short. It seems to me that a relationship where people can speak that way to one another -- honestly and directly, with insights that might not always be pleasing to the other -- is such an important gift in a life. And also -- the fact that you could listen and take in what he said without undue defensiveness is something to be proud of! Not everyone can bear to listen to uncomfortable insights from those they love. You showed great strength and resilience in doing so.  Mr. Suz once said something similar to me that brought me up short and made me think awfully hard about myself. It wasn't the same issue exactly but it was a similar point in my life, I suspect, and wow, did his words ever affect me! Like you, I cogitated on them for months and made some changes as a result, too.  In the end, though, I came to feel that the most important aspect of the whole encounter was the fact that we were able to have it. I know I have played a similar role in his life from time to time as well over the years.  With respect to the upcoming trip -- that is a really big one, so no wonder you are finding it a bit difficult to plan for. Are you 100% sure that you want to go? Sometimes when we are resisting such planning, it is not really due to a problem with planning, per se; it's more that we are really feeling a need for a different type of vacation, one that makes fewer demands. Perhaps, having learned to slow down a bit, you are craving a different type of holiday from the one you originally imagined? Or perhaps you are truly burned out from all that go-go-go and busy-ness of the past! It can take quite a while for our rhythms to adjust to a new way of being.   Anonymous on "Doubt....." https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/doubt#post-1670099 Tue, 31 May 2016 14:53:47 +0000 Anonymous 1670099@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ So much of life is finding the right balance.  Work/leisure; marriage/self; busyness/quietude.  Be sure you make time for the quietude because that's where you gain self-knowledge, and find your best path.  You might be a little anxious about the process, but if you can find that calm center of yourself in the midst of all your thoughts, it will help.  Get out in the garden and just be.   Meditate every day to keep discovering what's best in yourself, and to keep you grounded to enjoy your journey in this life.  Sihaya on "Doubt....." https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/doubt#post-1670098 Tue, 31 May 2016 14:46:06 +0000 Sihaya 1670098@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Maneera - it's great that you've found a way to process through writing and are willing to share what's going on for you. Through your writing, I'm sure others will learn and take action too. Your thoughts on staying in the present and doing less, reminded me of the first article I wrote about five years ago. <a href="http://blogs.hbr.org/cs/2011/07/this_space_intentionally_left.html" rel="nofollow">http://blogs.hbr.org/cs/2011/0....._left.html</a> In terms of behavior change - it sounds like part of you is still operating on fear. Or perhaps even finding fear a safety blanket - perhaps it feels familiar. So you might be spending more time on what you SHOULD do or not do rather than fully surrendering to what feels like you would LIKE to do. I wonder if you would be able to consider say 30 minutes a day (start as small as possible) where you give yourself the freedom to just be and see what emerges from that - whether that's being in the past, present, or the future - and allowing that to be judgement free time for you. Windchime on "Doubt....." https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/doubt#post-1670063 Tue, 31 May 2016 13:17:01 +0000 Windchime 1670063@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Maneera, it seems like you've been a Fabber for longer than a year! You contribute a lot to this community; congrats on your Veteran status! When I'm preparing for organ concerts and other music performances, I often find myself thinking what repertoire I'd like to use at the next concert, even before the current concert has happened! I don't think that's a bad thing at all. It can be helpful, while all your research about cars or trips or whatever, is fresh in your mind, to apply that research toward the next decision. Then make sure you also take time to notice and deeply enjoy what's happening in your life in the present. Dottie on "Doubt....." https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/doubt#post-1670040 Tue, 31 May 2016 12:10:07 +0000 Dottie 1670040@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Years ago, Oprah did a series with Eckhart Tolle about the Power of Now.  It was life changing for me. Oprah and many others grappled with the concept of "planning" because we were encouraged to live in the present.  I've cut a pasted an exchange here.  It's very enlightening and seems to speak to your very issue. OPRAH: All right, but then how do we plan for the future? We're all told that we should do that, not be passive about it. ECKHART: Yes, and by planning for the future, you won't need to lose yourself in the future. The question is, are you using time on a practical level, or are you losing yourself in the future? If you think that when you take a vacation, or find the ideal partner, or get a better job or a nicer place to live or whatever it is, that then you will finally be happy, that's when you lose yourself in the future. It's a continuous mental projection away from the now. That's the difference between clock time, which has its place in this world, and psychological time, which is the continuous obsession with the past and the future. There needs to be a balance between dealing with things in this world, which involves time and thinking, and not being trapped here. There is a deeper dimension in you that is outside that stream of time and thinking, and that's the inner stillness, peace, a deep, vibrant sense of aliveness. You're very passionate about life in that state." Anonymous on "Doubt....." https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/doubt#post-1670037 Tue, 31 May 2016 12:04:19 +0000 Anonymous 1670037@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Congratulations on your 1-year anniversary, Maneera. You are such a joy to have on the forum, and I for one am grateful you make time for YLF. It's my (hard-learned) belief that we are all works in progress. We discover and practice new things that assimilate into who we are and then we learn some more. On top of that, there's a natural adjustment in our wishes and expectations as we grow through life. I think this is especially true of inherently creative people like you--you're just more curious. I say relax and enjoy the exploration! Summer on "Doubt....." https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/doubt#post-1670030 Tue, 31 May 2016 11:20:36 +0000 Summer 1670030@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ First, congratulations on your veteran status.  It's always a time for reflection, I think. I'm exactly the opposite of you, in that I've always tended to live in the moment rather than planning too far ahead.  I've always thought of this as a flaw, and, looking back, I feel that I might have done far more with my life had I been more focused on the future.  As I've got older, I have become more conscientious about forward planning, but it still makes me edgy for some reason.  I prefer to deal with the challenges of the day rather than those of tomorrow or next year. " Normal" and "now" are what I'm happiest with, if that makes any sense. I suppose, as with everything, the ideal is to find the middle ground: to plan the important aspects of life, such as career choice, and to live in the moment for the rest.  This is much easier said than done, of course, and we can only do so much to escape  our own natural tendencies. So, I don't think I have helped you in any way, but can only wish you luck in finding the balance that seems right for you.  Good luck with whatever the future holds for you. Maneera on "Doubt....." https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/doubt#post-1670026 Tue, 31 May 2016 11:09:25 +0000 Maneera 1670026@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Ledonna, that's very helpful. Your experience definitely puts my mind at ease....a bit. I understand - it's a journey; I can't have answers in a day. And just like I could train my mind to not overthink, I can train it to find a balance. That's a very valid point. I'm also thinking that it's OK to not have answers, plans, goals in the here & now. What's the harm in just being content? I'll put my faith in the Uncertainity, trust the unknown, and hope that I'll make the right choices in the end. All that is important is that I do have the right INTENT. Everything else will work itself out. Thanks for this, Ledonna. Ledonna N. on "Doubt....." https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/doubt#post-1670019 Tue, 31 May 2016 10:48:23 +0000 Ledonna N. 1670019@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ First off never apologize for how long your writing is. I love reading all of it. Next congratulations on making veteran status. Now I was exactly where you were at 4 years ago. Let's discuss the very positive impact living in the moment. "Today I still write, but I do very selective projects and I finish work in 3-4 hours. I make very less money compared to earlier, but I'm at peace with that. I finish my work, and then I train my mind to "not over think" and just enjoy my PRESENT. Everyday. I spend a lot of time here on YLF, I play a lot with the dogs, I garden, I cook, I still read ALOT. I go for long walks where I listen to music. Basically - I'm spending a lot of time reconnecting with myself, and I'm slowly finding out that I may not be the person I thought I was." So true this journey the reconnecting too self being present in the moment is a continuous process. Just speaking from my own process. From my own journey you have to learn how to find your balance. You have just gone to the extreme opposite and yes it can happen because like you it happened to me. I was scared to think about anything in the future. I wanted to be present in this moment and right now. I did not even want to think about tomorrow. Just like you I had to train myself to be present in this moment. You have to train yourself to find your balance of preparing for the future. For example when you are finished with your vacation. Wait about a week or two before you start planning your next one. Think about it only for a limited time. I put boundaries on everthing I think about. My mind is constantly going because I suffer insomnia releated to my PTSD. I flow into it. I make it a game. I center myself through meditation to bring my mind back to this moment. You are on a journey it won't happen overnight. You will learn to find your balance your center. I've found mine. Does this make me perfect? Heck no but, it does make me self aware. I self acutalize I embrace my nature. ,I constantly check in with myself and whom I love. I let my yes be my yes, and my no be my no. I hope my experience will give you some insight. Maneera on "Doubt....." https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/doubt#post-1669998 Tue, 31 May 2016 09:01:36 +0000 Maneera 1669998@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I've completed a year on YLF today. I'm finally a Veteran....and it's sent me down memory lane. Around this time last year, I was going through a tough time personally. I had to make some hard choices regarding my career, and I was made to see that my personality had some serious flaws. Let me put this into simpler words. My content writing career (I write for magazines, blogs & journals) was seeing some remarkable changes. The world of the Internet was becoming more *visual*.....people wanted to *see* things, not *read* through long content. While I was regularly churning out 10,000 words a day (I used to be paid per word), I knew that I would either have to start writing about stuff I didn't like and care for, or accept the fact that I will have to do lesser work. And that meant lesser money every month. Or maybe, change my career. This last part still scares me though it shouldn't. I actually went to school to become a trained architect and furniture designer, so changing my career is not a 'new' or 'untried' idea. I just simply didn't want to do it. Yet. On a personal front, my husband had pointed out a serious personality flaw in me. It worked for me like a WAKE UP call. He told me that I *think* I always know what I want and am very good at making goals & achieving them, but I actually suck at enjoying accomplishments. I had no idea what it was to just RELAX, or to LIVE IN THE MOMENT. I perpetually lived in the Future - tirelessly planning and dreaming. He reminded me that when we were driving home in our (then) new car, I was planning what car to buy next and how much I will need to work & save to make that happen. When we were on a flight back home from an amazing albeit expensive vacation, I was planning our next travel plans. I never ever enjoyed what was happening in the HERE & NOW, I was always worried about the "What Next?" This point shook my entire life. The entire foundation of Who Am I? I actually had no idea. Why do I plan & dream so much when I'm not in-the-present when it's actually happening? I vowed to change. To slow down. To learn the 'art of relaxing', not just keep thinking tirelessly. During this time, I stared a blog. <a href="https://thediaryofaserialdreamer.wordpress.com" rel="nofollow">https://thediaryofaserialdreamer.wordpress.com</a> If you do make the time to go through it, you'll notice that the mind behind the words is troubled & lost. Writing this helped me a lot. Reading a lot also helped me a lot. It taught me to quite my mind, to relax and not be doing 'something' every single waking moment of my life. It took me a whole year to not feel guilty if I wasn't working or doing household chores ir exercising. To be able to just sit with a cup of tea and gaze out the window....doing nothing. And this brings me to today. Today I still write, but I do very selective projects and I finish work in 3-4 hours. I make very less money compared to earlier, but I'm at peace with that. I finish my work, and then I train my mind to "not over think" and just enjoy my PRESENT. Everyday. I spend a lot of time here on YLF, I play a lot with the dogs, I garden, I cook, I still read ALOT. I go for long walks where I listen to music. Basically - I'm spending a lot of time reconnecting with myself, and I'm slowly finding out that I may not be the person I thought I was. But I have a problem again. Now, I'm so good at living-in-the-present, I am afraid to commit to anything in the future. I keep fearing I'll relapse. I've become a completely changed person who is absolutely content with the HERE & NOW.....and now anything in the future scares me. I am trying to plan our vacation to Thailand in August, but I'm not able to commit to anything. The dates, the location, the budget - anything! Few months back my husband was anxious to buy a new car (the very one I was planning on the last time we bought a car) and I was telling him "It's too early! Our car is less than 2 years old! We haven't even traveled much in it yet". And he reminded me that we had changed our 2 previous cars in less than 2 years too, and I never mentioned this before! He did buy the car, but I was skeptical until the end. Can a person change this drastically in a course of a year? What happened to that very ambitious girl who always had 1000 things on her wish-list on any given day? I thought I always had a 'plan' for everything....but suddenly here I am, and I have no plans at all. About anything. No plans on how to change my career or what to change it to, no plans to learn something new, no plans to try anything different. Like I said above, I'm finding out that I may not be the person I though I was. And that scares me. I'm not 100% sure if this is good or bad.....being calmer, more relaxed, less driven. But it feels 'natural' to me right now. Actually, I don't really have a question for you. I just wanted to write this down. But if you have any inputs/thoughts or advise, I'd love to hear it. Thanks for reading this novel. Sorry it's so freaking long.