YouLookFab Forum » Topic: Do we expect too much sometimes?

YouLookFab Forum » Topic: Do we expect too much sometimes? https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-we-expect-too-much-sometimes Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Fri, 17 Apr 2026 10:38:47 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 <![CDATA[Search]]> q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php Sara L. on "Do we expect too much sometimes?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-we-expect-too-much-sometimes/page/2#post-1668142 Fri, 27 May 2016 13:52:20 +0000 Sara L. 1668142@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ This has been a very interesting thread to read.  Like several others have already mentioned, I don't expect compliments from my co-workers or family, although it's nice when someone does say something.  I'm dressing for myself and I feel better when I feel good about my clothing.  Also, I've gotten to the point (thanks to YLF)  where I'm pretty comfortable with my style and don't worry about looking bad.  I like to get suggestions from the forum on how do better, but I'm not worried that my outfits are terrible and I shouldn't have left the house wearing that. Sihaya on "Do we expect too much sometimes?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-we-expect-too-much-sometimes/page/2#post-1668134 Fri, 27 May 2016 13:42:08 +0000 Sihaya 1668134@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Great thread Peri! In my job as executive coach, I often help people switch from too much extrinsic motivation to more intrinsic motivation. Both matter. If we didn't care at all about what other people thought we'd be diagnosed as having a certain kind of personality disorder. At the same time a lot has to come from the inside out. Possibly your friend is comfortable with how she dresses and looks regardless of the current trends - from the inside out - and so, no matter what she wears, she can get complimented - or maybe that particular day she was feeling especially great. I've noticed this in many people - where they might have very average looks in the textbook sense but people can't keep their eyes off them because of who they are. On the other hand, GREAT point that any effort we put into our style, should come first from our own desire to do so. And as Angie says over and over again, because we're having fun. Else, the efforts can seem wasted on the days we don't get noticed (I know this wasn't the case for you). And even if we do get noticed, it's a shallow victory - one that only feeds on itself and makes us want to do more and more just for that external recognition. Carla on "Do we expect too much sometimes?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-we-expect-too-much-sometimes/page/2#post-1668127 Fri, 27 May 2016 13:10:24 +0000 Carla 1668127@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Enjoying the thread. Agree that context and 'tribe' factor into things, when compliments flow. Completely agree with skylurker's post. Though not always successful, I try to articulate a compliment when i see a bit of fashion eye candy. Recently it has been a barista's new 'do, and a woman in an apple green trench (worn on a grey day). I've extended the courtesy to men as well-the colour of a shirt, a beard/hair change, a dapper hat. Interestingly, it isn't necessarily cutting edge fashion that pricks my attention, but something that stands out as a little different, adds a spark to a look, and provides a happy moment! Janet on "Do we expect too much sometimes?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-we-expect-too-much-sometimes/page/2#post-1668110 Fri, 27 May 2016 12:28:41 +0000 Janet 1668110@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Interesting discussion. I don't ever expect comments on what I wear, but certain things elicit compliments from strangers, especially when it comes to footwear and jackets for me. For instance, In the last week or so, the Freebird sandals have gotten tons of compliments and questions -- "where did you get those? Who makes them?" I should get a commission! Also, wearing a dress -- any kind of dress -- seems to invite comments. I wore the new tee shirt dress from Anthro the other day, and got a compliment not only from a hostess in a restaurant, but also a random young man walking down the street in the city. He actually said, "Excuse me, you look very nice." LOL It's a very casual look but somehow makes an impression. The way I see it is that different people just plain notice different things, or some choose to comment and some don't. I dress mainly for myself, and if someone says something nice, that's just gravy. Helena on "Do we expect too much sometimes?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-we-expect-too-much-sometimes/page/2#post-1668104 Fri, 27 May 2016 12:16:32 +0000 Helena 1668104@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Total aside - wow goldenpig - red is your power color!!! It is a rare person IMO who is that flattered by red. goldenpig on "Do we expect too much sometimes?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-we-expect-too-much-sometimes/page/2#post-1668044 Fri, 27 May 2016 08:49:07 +0000 goldenpig 1668044@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Very timely question! I wore this cardigan and pencil skirt today and wasn't that thrilled with it, it seemed a little boring/conventional to me. Plus the cardigan was a bit clingy to my midsection so I felt like the fit was off. I did up the game a bit with the shoes and purse but otherwise it's your standard WHBM everyday work outfit. It's like the type of Ann Taylor cardigan and printed bias skirt outfits I used to wear pre YLF in the 90's/2000's. Well I still got just as many compliments as I usually do if not more about how beautiful the floral skirt is, love the red color on you, you dress so nicely, so fashionable etc. etc. So it's like I have higher expectations for myself than others do. I felt like I was kind of phoning it in today because I was in a rush to get out the door, but others thought I was pretty stylish. I think your point about not being so hard on ourselves is a good one. Thanks for the thought provoking topic! rachylou on "Do we expect too much sometimes?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-we-expect-too-much-sometimes/page/2#post-1668017 Fri, 27 May 2016 06:25:55 +0000 rachylou 1668017@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ So wait...let me tell ya about the green hair. On the ground here, people are loving it. I think saying it looks 'good' is pushing it. I can be honest, hehe. It's muppet hair. I think it's just fun and that's the attraction factor. Ok but here is the story thing about it...people think they know me because of it. Yes, ok, I'm a local character in a two-block radius, but all of a sudden NEW people know me. They are stopping me to comment on my 'great hair.' Hahaha! I'm telling you: entertainment value Ledonna N. on "Do we expect too much sometimes?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-we-expect-too-much-sometimes/page/2#post-1668006 Fri, 27 May 2016 05:38:53 +0000 Ledonna N. 1668006@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I've enjoyed reading all of the comments and thoughts. Like many I came from a very conservative background. I would receive complements on my slacks and pencil skirts. When my style evolution started to happen. I received many stares or what I like to call the "side eye". While not fashion forward or on trend I am considered an "odd ball". It is ok it part of who I am. It is interesting that people women mostly som men will shout out to me in the street a compliment or a thumbs up. I,find it funny because I do the same. I don't dare or even know of it is dated or not. I think those that feel comfortable or look it seem to attract my attention. My circle now includes independent artist small businesses owners creative artist. I'm still a very conservative person at work but my flair tends to shine. Maneera on "Do we expect too much sometimes?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-we-expect-too-much-sometimes/page/2#post-1667951 Fri, 27 May 2016 02:16:02 +0000 Maneera 1667951@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Excellent thread, Peri. My experience has been veryyy similar to yours. I started paying more attention to fashion & style around 4-5 yrs back. My initial dabbling were with a very classic style - pencil skirts, fitted sheath dresses, heeled pumps etc and I got compliments all the time. I was going from jeans-and-tee to putting in more effort and ppl noticed that. However, complete strangers would give me compliments too. I think everyone can appreciate something truly classic (and evergreen). And most people who aren't really into trends don't even know what 'dated' is. I'm still young(ish) at 32. Yet, I rarely get compliments for wearing a nice outfit anymore. It's expected of me, so it's become the norm. I always get compliments (by my husband) if I'm wearing sneakers or anything sporty because that is what most appeals to him. I'm most likely to get compliments on my hair, bag or tattoo now-a-days. But you've made a brilliant point there. If no one is noticing the teeny-tiny details of our outfit, why the hell do we fuss over them so much!!!! I think we expect so much because we want to PRESENT the BEST VERSION OF OURSELVES....because even though others may not notice or care, we care. Jaime on "Do we expect too much sometimes?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-we-expect-too-much-sometimes/page/2#post-1667939 Fri, 27 May 2016 01:53:45 +0000 Jaime 1667939@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Great thread. I find there is a lot of projection with compliments so when I wear a dress certain women that only wear dresses might compliment me. It is also a question of approachability - compliments come when people are comfortable enough to talk to you. (I am a relatively unapproachable person in a culture where people generally don't hesitate to approach.) I do think Skylurker put it nicely. Anonymous on "Do we expect too much sometimes?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-we-expect-too-much-sometimes/page/2#post-1667752 Thu, 26 May 2016 20:50:47 +0000 Anonymous 1667752@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ My mother and I always paid attention to what was in style and on what looked good on us, so I grew up with that. Neither of us were fashionistas, but we did care about how we dressed. My DH's immediately family is the opposite, though he has aunts and cousins who most definitely do care about style. I think that if one of my SILs ever dressed up, I would say something because they are both beautiful women; they just don't seem to care about dressing well. And the thing of it is that dressing well doesn't really cost any more than dressing down. It just requires more effort to shop and obtain the right pieces to create fab outfits. It doesn't happen with a quick trip once or twice a year to Old Navy. Suz on "Do we expect too much sometimes?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-we-expect-too-much-sometimes/page/2#post-1667738 Thu, 26 May 2016 20:37:11 +0000 Suz 1667738@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Texstyle, that reminds me -- I think it's more likely that those who are on trend will be complimented by younger people vs. older people. Because young people pay attention to (and often set) the trends.  That's why updating and continually refreshing our style can help us look and sometimes feel younger, even when we have grey hair! :)  Which, I guess, is now a trend. :)  Those who are older and not interested in current style tend to give compliments on articles and outfits that remind them of styles they loved or at one time wanted to wear. Nothing wrong with that!  Although my mother used to compliment me both on very classic dresses and on my booties. She did read the fashion section of the newspaper religiously.  Windchime on "Do we expect too much sometimes?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-we-expect-too-much-sometimes/page/2#post-1667726 Thu, 26 May 2016 20:02:23 +0000 Windchime 1667726@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Great topic, Peri. I've actually had people compliment sometimes on things I wasn't pleased about--bad hair, or a shirt I didn't feel good in, or an outfit that doesn't feel pulled together very well. I think, besides the other things we've discussed, people also notice vivid color. We definitely need to dress for our own enjoyment. texstyle on "Do we expect too much sometimes?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-we-expect-too-much-sometimes/page/2#post-1667720 Thu, 26 May 2016 19:40:34 +0000 texstyle 1667720@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Just a couple of weeks ago I was spending a late afternoon with some friends and their grandkids and friends of theirs. The "kids" were all graduating high school age, boys. It struck me as sort of funny that two of these teenage boys noticed different "fashion" things and complimented me on them separately during the course of the visit. One on my Raybans, and one on my handbag. Now of course maybe they were just trying to be nice and respectful, but it didn't seem insincere and I was dressed very casually otherwise so I wasn't trying to stand out. For me it did slightly make me feel good that I had purchased two items that at least one group (tribe) of younger people felt were on trend. So, I have to admit for me it does matter and I DO actually like it when someone notices my effort to dress fashionably. I just realized that recently most compliments I have received have been from much younger people. That said, I agree that most of the time people tend to notice and comment on a big difference - dressing up more than usual, a new haircut, something with bling, etc. Peri on "Do we expect too much sometimes?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-we-expect-too-much-sometimes#post-1667716 Thu, 26 May 2016 19:26:35 +0000 Peri 1667716@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Funny, the thoughts on my use of "worry". On the surface I used it as in fuss over, pay attention to. But now I'm thinking maybe it was unconscious. I've made progress, but probably still am motivated by trying not to look bad, more than the fun of fashion!  Gaylene, good heavens, no smugness intended...or warranted...on my part! Sally on "Do we expect too much sometimes?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-we-expect-too-much-sometimes#post-1667706 Thu, 26 May 2016 19:01:39 +0000 Sally 1667706@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I am at work so should be working. I feel it's two different things. I am not that fashion forward and don't actually keep up with trends. I can appreciate an outfit even if it might be dated. ...maybe it's iconic. I'll often compliment others dress because I like the colors or an aspect of it. I enjoy the fact that I can still tuck my skinnies into tall boots and no one really cares. I don't think it's always about if it's fashionable. DonnaF on "Do we expect too much sometimes?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-we-expect-too-much-sometimes#post-1667704 Thu, 26 May 2016 18:59:55 +0000 DonnaF 1667704@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I don't travel in fashionista circles and rarely dress on-trend.  The times I've received comments from friends and strangers is when I've worn something eye-catching, so I suspect that's what happened with your friend.  By eye-catching, I mean times I've worn my bright blue suede pumps, my Matisse dalmatian pattern calf hair booties like Angie's, or my mirror finish K-Swiss flatforms, or other serious bling. Helena on "Do we expect too much sometimes?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-we-expect-too-much-sometimes#post-1667703 Thu, 26 May 2016 18:59:34 +0000 Helena 1667703@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Peri, this is a very interesting thread! I think the thing is there are more variables than the up-to-date fashion world (in which Angie is placed, and therefore by extension, much of YLF is placed, at least in terms of knowledge and "eye") that dictate how someone's look is perceived. Sub-culture is huge. For example, in my suburban family community, a person is more likely to be admired for wearing head to toe Lululemon yoga apparel and a great big branded Michael Kors bag than anything else. Not my choice, but there you are. Creativity in fashion, personal expression, sophistication, whatever it may be is not always valued. This is not good or bad, it just is, and it serves as the context within which "fashionable" is judged. I think urban/suburban/rural locations, age, values and interests of your city/town (e.g. outdoorsy hipster vs. urbanBay-street business), etc. are going to be huge influencers. Everyone is looking through their own lens. As long as YOU are happy with what you see; therefore, you are in good shape skylurker on "Do we expect too much sometimes?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-we-expect-too-much-sometimes#post-1667692 Thu, 26 May 2016 18:37:07 +0000 skylurker 1667692@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I think I understand you better now : sometimes we make ourselves miserable by overthinking details, while we shouldn't worry because no one else will notice said details? I'm under impression most people sweating out details here actually enjoy the process. I don't find myself prone to overthinking either, but if I catch myself at it, I'll conjure up an image of you, waving a radiant orchid flag at me, and stop AviaMariah on "Do we expect too much sometimes?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-we-expect-too-much-sometimes#post-1667684 Thu, 26 May 2016 18:22:54 +0000 AviaMariah 1667684@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I have to admit there are times I post a WIW because I get enjoyment out of an outfit and I want someone else to enjoy it too.  I know no one in my real world is going to pay a bit of attention! Gaylene on "Do we expect too much sometimes?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-we-expect-too-much-sometimes#post-1667676 Thu, 26 May 2016 18:04:17 +0000 Gaylene 1667676@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Variations of this question come up now and again on the forum. The reassuring comments that follow, though, always make me a bit uneasy because of the undertones of "Well, WE care about style". Rachylou once talked about "tribes" and I think that is a really good way of looking at this situation. Different tribes appreciate different looks, and (here's the kicker), each tribe innately feels their preference is more desirable than others. if you look at the situation from this angle, your friend was surrounded by members of her "tribe" who showed their appreciation of her appearance. When the forum gave a thumbs up to your outfit, it was doing the same for you. Maybe instead of subtly rolling our eyes at those people who don't "understand fashion", we ought to see them as a tribe having a different aesthetic but equally legitimate style? And be thankful that YLF gives us a place to form our tribe of like-minded souls who share an aesthetic and support a style many of us can't find in our day-to-day communities. As long as we are sensitive to the tribes we live and work within, I think the YLF tribe can co-exist quite nicely alongside most them. Who knows, they may even throw a complement or two our way because, even though we may look a bit strange at times in our cold-shouldered tops, we don't criticize their choices or try to change them. molly221 on "Do we expect too much sometimes?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-we-expect-too-much-sometimes#post-1667675 Thu, 26 May 2016 18:04:17 +0000 molly221 1667675@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I think the familiar (maybe dated to us) will get more comments. At YLF we tend to be more fashion forward. Skinny jeans over culottes will get more compliments Tall boots over ankle booties might get more compliments I got off the subway in SOHO and immediately saw 3 women with super cute overalls. In my Midwestern home, people would think that was dated. rachylou on "Do we expect too much sometimes?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-we-expect-too-much-sometimes#post-1667673 Thu, 26 May 2016 18:00:12 +0000 rachylou 1667673@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I think we do. I think we often look for wow! and sharp! even when it's not warranted. I mean, the other day I started googling for wow! gardening clothes. *Roll eyes,* lol. The only thing you're gonna kill dressing to kill while weeding is your ankles. Entertainment value is very very different from well done, IMHO. Laura (rhubarbgirl) on "Do we expect too much sometimes?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-we-expect-too-much-sometimes#post-1667672 Thu, 26 May 2016 17:57:45 +0000 Laura (rhubarbgirl) 1667672@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I think that often what YLF thinks is current is very different than what the general population in a particular geographic area thinks is current. Trends take a long time to trickle down sometimes and most people don't really spend a whole lot of time thinking about it. So something that looks a little matronly/dated to a lot of us will get a positive response from other people.  (Trends are kinda random anyway, and there's the problem of which version of a look is being worn - are the mom jeans ironic normcore mom jeans, or the same mom jeans since 1988?) It's an interesting question, actually: which is better, wearing an outfit that is very flattering but also dated, or very trendy, but JFE or maybe even not suited to your body type? It's an individual decision, and I think most people go with flattering (however they define it) acknowledging that styles change and they're not always going to be current 100% of the time. Suz on "Do we expect too much sometimes?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-we-expect-too-much-sometimes#post-1667670 Thu, 26 May 2016 17:51:42 +0000 Suz 1667670@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ AviaMariah, so true!! Nobody notices how I dress, either -- I'm at home most of the time! But I dress for myself and for Mr. Suz when we go out. And it's fun and happy-making to have lovely things.  Suz on "Do we expect too much sometimes?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-we-expect-too-much-sometimes#post-1667669 Thu, 26 May 2016 17:49:58 +0000 Suz 1667669@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Oh, that's certain! Nobody else notices the stuff that makes us self-conscious or that worries us, not just as far as fashion is concerned but also the pimple on our nose, the wrinkle at our jaw, etc.  What people do notice, I think, is vitality, confidence, and whether we feel good in our own skin. Subconsciously, they may be influenced by the colour or cut of our clothes, and certainly by the fit and the sheen of relative new-ness (vs. dusty old worn, ill-fitting things).  But the only people who consciously notice the details or who analyze them are the people who share our hobby!  I don't know...I'm trying to find a way to express this that makes sense. The thing is...I don't actually find myself worrying about whether something looks bad all that often. Maybe if I am trying out a completely new colour or silhouette -- or new proportions -- then I have questions, for sure. But worry? Not really.   I guess I used to worry, or rather, I knew that I typically looked bad! I guess that's what got me onto the forum. But over time, I seem to have morphed into a person who may be looking for the right items to complete a look I'm aiming for...or who may wonder whether this item works better than that one...but "worry" is for sure the wrong word. It is actually fun to think about, not a worry...it's a pastime. A pleasure. For me, at least.  AviaMariah on "Do we expect too much sometimes?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-we-expect-too-much-sometimes#post-1667667 Thu, 26 May 2016 17:48:10 +0000 AviaMariah 1667667@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I think this is a little off topic of what you're asking but I've come to the realization that 90% of the time I dress solely for myself.  I work in a small office that is mostly men and if I rotated two pairs of ill fitting chinos and golf shirts, I don't think anyone would notice.  But I DO notice and and does make a difference in my enjoyment in getting ready in the morning.  There are other areas of my life that people do notice and it matters to me what they think just in the impression that I'm giving them and for the pure enjoyment of nice clothing.  So I try to dress everyday like I'm going to be with people that notice.  So I guess my point is that I do want people to notice the way I dress but I want it to be such a part of me that it doesn't seem unusual.   Liz on "Do we expect too much sometimes?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-we-expect-too-much-sometimes#post-1667665 Thu, 26 May 2016 17:45:13 +0000 Liz 1667665@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Peri, yes, absolutely to your last point of putting such a fine point on the small variations. The people around us absolutely don't notice (unless, I suppose, if we are in some kind of high-fashion context). Whenever I see a ton of forum threads focused on how exactly to wear a certain trend and "get it right," (such as the fit of boyfriend jeans or the length of cropped pants), then that tells me that the people around us don't know how to wear this either, and they' ll be wearing it any way they want. We can relax about it, unless we personally really enjoy these kinds of details and find them fun. Angie on "Do we expect too much sometimes?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-we-expect-too-much-sometimes#post-1667664 Thu, 26 May 2016 17:44:32 +0000 Angie 1667664@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Peri, you hit the nail on the head with your last sentence in the above comment. Love what Skylurker said too. Good point, Suz. As long as you're having fun with fashion and style and feel good in what you wear, you can go into as much or as little detail about the topic as you like. Peri on "Do we expect too much sometimes?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-we-expect-too-much-sometimes#post-1667658 Thu, 26 May 2016 17:25:13 +0000 Peri 1667658@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Skylurker, good question! I did say I wasn't sure of my point, just that it was something I wanted to talk about. So, you've made me think, and no, I feel like my point is the opposite. Or can be the opposite for some of us.  (I think it's fine to want to please and hope to be complimented. Yay, when it happens, but it can't really be the goal because of all the points you've all made.) I'm thinking my point is more that worrying over whether something looks bad may be more worrying than we have to do. That all our gradations of "is this the right fit, proportion, color...does this look bad, does this work, do these shoes look okay, what should I change, because this isn't good enough the way it is" is putting such fine points on things as to be noticeable to almost no one else but ourselves. So we'd better be sure we do it to make ourselves happy, not to make ourselves feel bad.