YouLookFab Forum » Topic: Do I need to change the way I dress?

YouLookFab Forum » Topic: Do I need to change the way I dress? https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-i-need-to-change-the-way-i-dress Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Wed, 06 May 2026 21:33:19 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 <![CDATA[Search]]> q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php chewyspaghetti on "Do I need to change the way I dress?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-i-need-to-change-the-way-i-dress/page/3#post-950384 Fri, 07 Jun 2013 00:44:32 +0000 chewyspaghetti 950384@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I think that you shouldn't have to change anything about yourself to appease a prospective mate. If they don't like the way you dress, than they probably aren't a good match for you. (Plus, you have fabulous style, Anna!) Anonymous on "Do I need to change the way I dress?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-i-need-to-change-the-way-i-dress/page/3#post-950121 Thu, 06 Jun 2013 18:35:16 +0000 Anonymous 950121@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Anna, that means you are well rounded, so friggin' interesting! T-Rex on "Do I need to change the way I dress?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-i-need-to-change-the-way-i-dress/page/3#post-950062 Thu, 06 Jun 2013 17:49:23 +0000 T-Rex 950062@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ OK, I've read through the responses, included the one where you said he found your outfits interesting. This is a good thing. He said "interesting" without a smirk, a joke, or a qualifying comment, correct? And he continues to walk up to you and talk to you, no matter what you are wearing? Then don't change what you are doing! Your style may be unconventional by your friend's standards, but it's obviously getting the attention of this man you want to know better. If the conversations you have with him begin with your clothes, but then branch out into other topics, then you have found the perfect icebreaker in your personal style. Not that you necessarily set out to do this, but hey, if it works don't fix it. Let us know how future encounters with him play out. I suspect you may have found someone who can appreciate your style. Or, even if he doesn't necessarily love any particular outfit you may be wearing, he appreciates the fact that you don't look like everyone else in the room. Keep doing what you are doing. T-Rex on "Do I need to change the way I dress?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-i-need-to-change-the-way-i-dress/page/3#post-950048 Thu, 06 Jun 2013 17:39:27 +0000 T-Rex 950048@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Please keep in mind that this is my gut reaction, not a well thought out practical response. And I reacted so strongly that I haven't read through the other responses. NO, NO, NO, a million times NO!!!! If you like what you are wearing and feel good in it, you should *not* change just to please some theoretical future partner. If a potential dating partner is worth a damn, he will appreciate what is unique about you. Watering it down will do no one any favors. Either you will continue to water down your style in an effort to fit in with your notion of what you think his notion of beauty or style is, and you will be miserable. Or, you will go back to the way you like to dress after you begin dating him and he will either disapprove of it, or he will like it and wonder why the heck you didn't just dress the way you like to dress from the beginning. So, no one wins in this scenario. Don't do it. Be YOU. Please note that I'm assuming that you are dressing your best within the range of what you love to wear. If you can up the attraction factor while still remaining absolutely true to yourself, then it may be worth doing. But toning down who you are is just a bad, bad idea. Bad, I tell you. rachylou on "Do I need to change the way I dress?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-i-need-to-change-the-way-i-dress/page/3#post-950032 Thu, 06 Jun 2013 17:22:07 +0000 rachylou 950032@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Hike, ski, drink wine and go to the opera... and high fashion... oh, you need to find a guy from the old country. It is extremely hard to find an American man Gen-X and down who walks in this world. At best, you might find a guy who hikes, skis, drinks wines, goes to the opera, and appreciates design. This will sound bigoted... but maybe a nice Persian boy would be easiest to find on the West Coast... they've maybe done the best in retaining old world graces. Incomplete preservation, of course, but still some appreciation. No joke. Archer on "Do I need to change the way I dress?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-i-need-to-change-the-way-i-dress/page/3#post-949962 Thu, 06 Jun 2013 16:08:34 +0000 Archer 949962@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Anna- Is it possible that you love all these things because you love beauty in different forms, opportunities for interpretation and critique and connecting with other people in lots of different ways? Without sounding cliched or in anyway trying to rescue or patronise, this is what you manage to show via YLF so i imagine its pretty obvious when people meet you. Plus you are obviously fun to be around! Hope your pondering was a productive, affirming process!! Just ring him up and ask him out:) DonnaF on "Do I need to change the way I dress?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-i-need-to-change-the-way-i-dress/page/3#post-949505 Thu, 06 Jun 2013 02:24:55 +0000 DonnaF 949505@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ The fashion aspect goes with opera, wine, and probably skiing.  I've always found the hiking part surprising and interesting and perhaps The Guy does too.  I would tend to think that maybe others would not guess that juxtaposition. annagybe on "Do I need to change the way I dress?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-i-need-to-change-the-way-i-dress/page/3#post-949489 Thu, 06 Jun 2013 01:58:06 +0000 annagybe 949489@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Sorry it took so long to get back to this. Work has been insane. I didn't get home Monday till well after 11pm. Last night I had some much needed R&R and hung out with a friend  (not The Guy) on a boat on Lake Washington. He commented on my Improvd double zip moto sweatshirt thingy. I guess I have developed for better or worse a reputation as a fashion person. I love fashion, but it's not the only interest of mine. I like to hike, ski, drink wine and go to the opera. I have a lot to ponder. rachylou on "Do I need to change the way I dress?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-i-need-to-change-the-way-i-dress/page/3#post-948255 Tue, 04 Jun 2013 17:45:32 +0000 rachylou 948255@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Anna, I think this question may be up there with "What's the meaning of life?", based on volume of response! I agree with IK that being secure in yourself is one really big thing a woman can do on the romance front. I call it having conviction - the absolute conviction that you want to be a domestic goddess, want a man. Tangentially, for the modern woman, I don't think this is particularly easy. When even men write books about the obsolescence of men, it's that much harder to be convinced. I also agree with everyone that a girl has to be herself. No one gets anywhere trying to be something they're not. You lose customers when you don't have truth in advertising - people get upset by the perceived dissonance between message and what's actually in the box. Moreover, as Velvety says, you have inescapable fashion flare. You can't shake it so I don't think you have to worry about suffering without it. But still I think courtship calls quite possibly for some fashion changes. How do I square that? Well, 1) when people court, they are looking to go from all-me to a we. You have to make some space for someone else's clothes in that closet. Otherwise, as my neighbor says, you're lying to yourself about really being in the game. 2) If you want to be a we, the advertising indeed has to be consistent, and you have to dive into this interest. That should show up in how you dress or you're not being sincere. Again, not in the game. Yes, I think a person needs to show up a little as a blank slate, in plain clothing. Willing to let another person in, take on some influences, build an identity in common. ...Unless - there's an exception to every rule, of course - you want to be a trophy wife. In which case, you will need-to-be an off-the-shelf, pre-packaged, hermetically-sealed object... bj1111 on "Do I need to change the way I dress?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-i-need-to-change-the-way-i-dress/page/3#post-948203 Tue, 04 Jun 2013 16:33:53 +0000 bj1111 948203@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ OMG, agree with janet's last comment--by a 1000% unfrumped on "Do I need to change the way I dress?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-i-need-to-change-the-way-i-dress/page/3#post-948109 Tue, 04 Jun 2013 14:26:30 +0000 unfrumped 948109@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Hey, what I want to know is, what happened to the courtship display that the male is supposed to put on? Like birds dancing and showing their feathers to attract the female! I'm not in the dating game now, but I'd be interested to know--do guys put best-foot-forward (their version of if, whether or not it's on target) or just show up? Janet on "Do I need to change the way I dress?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-i-need-to-change-the-way-i-dress/page/2#post-948034 Tue, 04 Jun 2013 13:25:49 +0000 Janet 948034@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Wow! I saw this thread last night when I was too tired to read all the responses, much less form any kind of coherent thoughts, so this has been an interesting read over my morning coffee. Anna, you've received lots of (somewhat conflicting) advice, and I see merit in every one of the viewpoints expressed here. Once again, I'm struck by how thoughtful and intelligent this community is. That said, I think the bottom line here is -- and forgive the platitude -- being true to yourself. Your style *has* been softening lately, and you have been pondering a shift. Even though I don't necessarily agree with your friend's comments, it would seem she touched on something you've already been thinking about. I think we can sometimes use clothing as armor or distraction without even realizing it. But I think if you are considering "softening" your style, it should be because it's for YOU and not anyone else. It should be because it makes you feel beautiful or powerful or sexy or confident -- whatever it is you want to feel to be the best version of you. I am totally confident that even if you alter your style, you will still continue to rock a truly unique look that stands out in a crowd and that others admire. Traci on "Do I need to change the way I dress?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-i-need-to-change-the-way-i-dress/page/2#post-948000 Tue, 04 Jun 2013 12:00:44 +0000 Traci 948000@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I don't think one needs to change how they dress for another person, but I have picked up on some of the same comments from you that other's have pointed out.  The comment Maryk mentioned about being "interesting" because you're not "pretty" really stuck with me.  There was also another comment or two that bordered on putting down people who dress in a boring way that caused me to wonder how much judgement you place on the way other people dress.  All this balled together has made me quietly wonder if there is some deeper issue that urges you to dress the way you do.  I don't think you need to change you how  dress just to please a man, but I do think you need to dig deep and make sure that you dress the way you do due to positive, self affirming, happy reasons. If your clothes are some sort of armor you've put on, or some sort of message you're sending, you may need to look at the unintended results of that armor or message and decide if it fits with the other things you want in your life. Jules on "Do I need to change the way I dress?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-i-need-to-change-the-way-i-dress/page/2#post-947971 Tue, 04 Jun 2013 11:26:29 +0000 Jules 947971@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I think with this particular guy, you are way past the first impression stage. It's going to happen or it won't, but no need to go changing your style. It sounds to me like he appreciates your look - he said so, why second guess it? Who can say whether you will eventually get together, but don't go changing for this one. I know you are always appropriate and tone it down for first dates. I do think you have some conventionally beautiful, flattering outfits that would also make great first date picks (such as the outfit you wore for your dad once). Only you can decide if those looks feel enough like *you* to put your best foot forward in. I sometimes wonder if you over think your outfits for dates/singles events. There's some anxiety there that sometimes manifests as new purchases or wants, right? Frankly, I think you have way more invested in being fashion-forward etc than the "average guy" is going to appreciate. There's nothing wrong with that, per se, there just may be a slight disconnect between what makes you feel super attractive and what guys are noticing on first meeting. They look at your hair, your smile, etc, not your labels. It might help to separate the anxiety/pressure around dating from the dressing. Finally, you are not just pretty, you are a stunner. Fit, blonde, hot! Mochi on "Do I need to change the way I dress?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-i-need-to-change-the-way-i-dress/page/2#post-947960 Tue, 04 Jun 2013 11:10:22 +0000 Mochi 947960@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Again, I'm skipping thru all the comments to say nononononono, please don't change the way you dress for some guy...whether an imaginary guy out there, or real person. I'll say it one more time. Please, no.  Molly L-R on "Do I need to change the way I dress?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-i-need-to-change-the-way-i-dress/page/2#post-947943 Tue, 04 Jun 2013 10:15:35 +0000 Molly L-R 947943@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Anna, the guy sounds as if he enjoys your look.  Perhaps he even looks forward to seeing what "interesting thing" you're going to wear next.  So why deny him that pleasure? Seriously, he's already noticed that you're an interesting dresser and complimented you on it.  If you change your look now and try to start dressing more classic and conservative He. Will. NOTICE. I have a lot of male friends and they tell me stuff about guys and dating.  Stuff that magazines and female friends won't.  Specifically, that they notice when women try to make themselves more "acceptable" and "appealing" to them.  Like when the woman who lives on takeaways starts always cooking for him.  Or when the woman addicted to reality shows starts watching more high-brow things.  Or when the woman with quirky, personal style loses her nerve and becomes a bland, catalogue model clone. My guy friends tell me that this kind of behaviour sends up a massive red flag that the woman is insecure and desperate to please.  It's like screaming, "look how sensible I am! See what good girlfriend/future wife material I am!"  And it puts them off.  When a woman tries to bury everything that makes her interesting and unique, why should a man stay with her?  What does she have to offer him?  The media would have you believe that sex appeal and looking perfect is all you need to keep a man.  In real life, there's so much more to it than that.  harmonica on "Do I need to change the way I dress?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-i-need-to-change-the-way-i-dress/page/2#post-947935 Tue, 04 Jun 2013 09:24:51 +0000 harmonica 947935@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Just wanted to support what Mary and others said. And also wish you all the best, because you deserve it krishnidoux on "Do I need to change the way I dress?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-i-need-to-change-the-way-i-dress/page/2#post-947932 Tue, 04 Jun 2013 09:18:49 +0000 krishnidoux 947932@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Just wanted to say I second what MaryK said 100%. Irene on "Do I need to change the way I dress?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-i-need-to-change-the-way-i-dress/page/2#post-947919 Tue, 04 Jun 2013 06:38:10 +0000 Irene 947919@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I think a job interview and a date are not comparable. You dress for an interview in the hopes that you will get a job. To get the job, you adapt to the company's tastes and necessities. Ideally, you shouldn't need to change yourself in order to get a mate. Wearing blue because you know that's his favorite color? Sure, there is nothing wrong with that. Not wearing chunky necklaces because he doesn't seem to appreciate them? Ok. But starting to dress like Suz or Lyn* (I consider both opposed to you in terms of style) just because he MIGHT like it better (you can't even be sure), I don't think that's ok. Also, if it is true what some have pointed out that you dress yourself in order to hide your body and personality behind your clothes, maybe you should consider changing that. Not for a guy though, just for yourself. You will need good self-esteem to get a guy (and anything in this life, really). And you do want people to see you. For the record, I once dated a guy (for some months) who dressed very conservatively. He was 27 and never wore jeans. Not even during weekends. He was conservative in other aspects as well, of course. I'm not an edgy dresser, but I do have my quirks. He was shocked when I bought a pair of red converse sneakers. He was THAT conservative. However, he still liked me and we stopped seeing each other for other reasons. He never commented on my style in a wrong way. I have to admit I was put off by the vibe of his style and it was one of the many reasons I wasn't sure about him. His outfits told me he was boring, serious (in a 'not fun' way) and traditional. He turned out to really be all those things, which were not necessarily bad, but definitely not attractive to me. Echo on "Do I need to change the way I dress?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-i-need-to-change-the-way-i-dress/page/2#post-947885 Tue, 04 Jun 2013 03:51:24 +0000 Echo 947885@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I think perhaps many of us will just agree to disagree. I'll just say that many people have changed how they present themselves in certain situations in order to make themselves appear more approachable. That is something that some people are comfortable doing and that some people are not. ironkurtin on "Do I need to change the way I dress?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-i-need-to-change-the-way-i-dress/page/2#post-947877 Tue, 04 Jun 2013 03:19:22 +0000 ironkurtin 947877@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Echo, I am wondering if your "I am not prepared to say that any woman who isn't okay with that is a "d*****bag, kwim?" is aimed at my earlier comment that any man who would ditch a woman because of her clothes is a d-bag.  If it is, I think the application of the d-word is getting kinda muddied, if possible. To clarify, my position is one of tolerance for other people's harmless foibles, and when other people aren't tolerant or get judgey I consider that pretty d-worthy.  Especially for something like appearance.  Heaven knows we've all dated men who couldn't dress if their life depended on it (see stories above in this thread).  My own beautiful man wore pleated pants and the worst possible grown-out Abba haircut to our first date.  Luckily I saw past all this to his cute smile and it's been over twenty years.  He certainly saw past my manly cropped hair and thigh-high boots!  Isn't Anna entitled to the same acceptance from whoever she dates? Yes, men can be dumb.  Yes, they may see Anna's feathers first and then her face.  But... why is that something Anna needs to change?  The thought that she is scaring off men by being an individual seems so wrong to me.  The thought that how she dresses somehow obscures the "real her" also seems really wrong to me.  If she hasn't found a guy, I don't think it's her clothing.  I think it's because karma hasn't hit yet. It's one thing to meet someone, realize s/he loves X look, and then change for them.  It's another to change yourself blindly because you think someone else wants it (without knowing it's true) and that there's something wrong with how you are.  Yes, people judge by appearances.  But you can make yourself nuts trying to figure out what people think.  I think really the only thing you can really do is be secure in yourself and, by extension, be happy and confident in what you wear.  Whether that's a LBD or silver lame.  And if that turns someone off, well, then IMO they weren't worth the time. MNsara on "Do I need to change the way I dress?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-i-need-to-change-the-way-i-dress/page/2#post-947864 Tue, 04 Jun 2013 03:03:14 +0000 MNsara 947864@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Awesome question, Anna -- and lots of great answers, ideas, thoughts from everyone.  You probably don't need anymore, but I feel for you and just maybe I'll have something to add. . .  Do you think your friend was saying that in your best interests?  or is she possibly saying how she feels your style isn't conventional enough?  I'm also not great at 'how' I say things, so I'll apologize in advance for anything that sounds blunt!  But being married for 30+ years to a guy with four brothers, raising two boys, and now the only female in the house with my guys, has me only able to say that guys are inherently weird and different than girls.  A guy that 'gets' style is the exception (i.e. Angie's Greg).  I think the majority of men are pretty ambivalent about it.  Yet every person/man will still have things he likes/dislikes (i.e. colours, heel heights, makeup, hair length, etc.) and you can't predict someone's preferences.  I want you to be able to just be yourself and meet a great guy that loves you just the way you are!  And whether that includes whackadoodle style or not! I hate to think of anyone being disingenuous to meet a man or maintain a relationship.  But putting more fashion forward/extreme style on the back burner while you get to know someone seems perfectly legit to me.  If I were in the early stages of getting to know someone I was interested in, I'd not only be agonizing over every outfit, I'd also be more likely to brush teeth and hair more, freshen makeup for him, do my nails, drop a pound or two, use extra deodorant, you get the idea.  I consider this all part of trying to put my best foot forward (like Jjsloane's interview idea), and not disingenuous. My head swirls with all sorts of motherly advice :-)  (and brings to mind conversations with my own daughter about some things she'd get a bit 'militant' about - using as a sort of litmus test for dates) . . . and VC is right about even 'toned down' you will exude an elegance :-) Transcona Shannon on "Do I need to change the way I dress?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-i-need-to-change-the-way-i-dress/page/2#post-947849 Tue, 04 Jun 2013 02:46:22 +0000 Transcona Shannon 947849@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ First of all Anna, know that you have amazing style and are a beautiful woman, inside and out.  My paternal Grandmother was an incredible woman but had a very strong personality. And she wasn't like the other women of her generation in terms of taking a back seat to men. She wore pants and liked to work with her hands. Men were intimidated by her. But she found a wonderful man and they were married for 72 years. He adored her strong spirit.  I remember her telling me one time when talking about men ..."you don't have to show them the whole deck of cards at once, you know". Apparently when she was dating my grandfather she revealed her true self a little bit at a time and by the time my grandfather knew everything about her, he was already completely in love. It seems like you care about The Guy and he obviously is fond of you. I mean c'mon, he mentioned you have interesting shoes - that is a great sign IMHO! Just maybe give him small doses of your style until he gets to know your personality more. A strong style can make the person invisible.  Caro in Oz on "Do I need to change the way I dress?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-i-need-to-change-the-way-i-dress/page/2#post-947845 Tue, 04 Jun 2013 02:41:33 +0000 Caro in Oz 947845@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I agree with ironkurtin:  Well, I think you need to do whatever makes you happy. If you'd rather tone it down and gradually introduce a boy into your land of fun dressing, then do that. If the idea of having to dress more plainly to get a boy in the first place upsets or offends you, then don't. I'm trying to walk this line at the moment socially. It has been hard & I've wasted a lot of energy on it - I'm coming to the conclusion that if people don't like my "first impression" maybe it is for the best  :) velvetychocolate on "Do I need to change the way I dress?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-i-need-to-change-the-way-i-dress/page/2#post-947838 Tue, 04 Jun 2013 02:31:04 +0000 velvetychocolate 947838@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I don't think you should change the way you dress! That said, I agree with others in that this may be a case of situationally appropriate, or something like a job interview, even though it really shouldn't be like that all. All of the date night outfits I've seen you post have been FAB, and you're on the right track, as far as I'm concerned. Just beautiful and you have nothing to worry about on this front! Not sure if this helps, but I like to cook - and sometimes I cook some weird things. Things other people might think were totally bonkers. That said, I am not going to take grilled octopus with blueberry compote to a dinner party when meeting new friends or family members of significant other. I'll 'tone it down' a wee bit so that everyone can enjoy - and even if my 'toned down' is still a little out there at times, it's still a good conversation piece. I also like what others have said about being accessible, as well as showing off *you* so that your fabulous style doesn't obscure how beautiful you are. It's just like what they all say in terms of interview advice - allow yourself to shine so that the first thing people see is you, and not necessarily the outfit you put together, if that makes sense. No need to change your style at all - but it is possible that your amazing style might be a tad bit intimidating at first. Like me showing up with octopus and blueberries - when I could have come up with something that everyone knows and likes (ie. macaroni and cheese) but with a totally new and fab twist. Maybe I make my mac & cheese with sundried tomatoes, pancetta bacon bits, shredded spinach and four kinds of gourmet cheese. Come to think of it - this reminds me of Angie's outfit blog post today - a pencil skirt and blouse, and yet her pencil skirt and blouse are amazing. Anyone meeting her would immediately know there was something different and very special about her. I see you the same way. Your "toned down" outfits are so spectacularly fab that a person couldn't fail to notice that you are someone special. I guess this is my very long-winded way of saying that even if you did change up your date outfits a wee bit, they are still going to be *amazing*. It's kind of tough to hide your light, even if you try to. You could wear a potato sack and look glamorous. This is just part of who you are. I can't make ordinary macaroni and cheese - I'm always going to sneak in some asiago (or feta even), some sun-dried tomatoes or what have you. You're the same way. A pair of jeans and a button-down shirt are going to look extra-fab on you, because you have incredible style and there isn't going to be any "going back" if that makes sense. So, if you decided to keep on with the so-called "toned down" outfits for date-nights, never fear - your 'toned down' is still going to be kock-your-socks-off fabulous. You won't lose anything - because this incredible style that you have cannot be hidden, no matter how hard you try. You're not hiding yourself or "dialing back" in any way - you're just showing up as your fabulous self in a slightly more accessible way (at first ) Hope this wasn't too long, and more importantly - that it made some kind of sense. Archer on "Do I need to change the way I dress?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-i-need-to-change-the-way-i-dress/page/2#post-947828 Tue, 04 Jun 2013 02:17:49 +0000 Archer 947828@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Hi Anna, I think I am with Mary K. Your friend is obviously a good one because it is hard to say something like that and unlikely to be malicious. She knows you, him, the guys you fancy, your real self etc presumably, and she said that to you. I don't see it as a directive to subliminate your true-self which has wide ranging ramifications for your personality and self expression if you hook up with The Guy. He obviously finds you interesting but In my experience a new man's radar is out for, extravagance, self indulgence, eccentricities etc.. Without being that conscious of it. He could see you as outrageously confident and a bit nuts- shoe wall, would be a bit scary for a pretty straight guy. NOW- in the looks stakes you are naturally gorgeous. Haven't seen u with your hair up but loosely up would look fab. I think it is easy to let lots of fab clothes actually detract from and hide your natural beauty. You looked great in the hicking shot and you are obviously an outdoor girl as well. There are a multitude of conversations within a feminist paradigm here- on all sides. The female gaze is the cameras gaze. The gaze is most likely male. YLF has a strong effect in empowering the female gaze!!!! Yay Just reverse the positions and see what assumptions you might make about him according to what he wears. Are they valid? Are they inevitable? Just some thoughts. lyn* on "Do I need to change the way I dress?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-i-need-to-change-the-way-i-dress/page/2#post-947820 Tue, 04 Jun 2013 02:05:37 +0000 lyn* 947820@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Thanks for this thoughtful post, Anna - I've learned a lot too! Kyle on "Do I need to change the way I dress?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-i-need-to-change-the-way-i-dress/page/2#post-947816 Tue, 04 Jun 2013 02:02:45 +0000 Kyle 947816@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ If the goal is to meet guys, more conventional style would probably help achieve the objective. If the goal is to meet someone who might be a life partner, or a deep and meaningful relationship, making a drastic change to something that is really important to you feels like the wrong approach to me (even though there is no right or wrong answer here). It feels off.  Would you change your style permanently? Or just early on and then go back to your true self? Here's a different way to consider this multifaceted issue.  How would you feel if you were in a serious relationship with someone and everything was perfect until he asked you to tone down your style and wear something more in line with what he finds attractive?  Would you compromise to meet your partner halfway and make a personal sacrifice because he asked? Or would you find it offensive of him to even ask? Finally, a short anecdote that offers yet a different perspective. My husband does not really care about fashion. Even with a newly slim and trim body, he just doesn't care, and is wearing old things that fit from years gone by (meanwhile I am DYING to buy him fab new things).  I pushed early on for him to wear things that were more to my liking. He told me that he did not appreciate me trying to change him and asked me to back off, which I did, because I love him, and in the big scheme of things that are important in a life partner, his choice of jeans or the pattern on his shirt just didn't make the cut. By the same token, he knows I love clothes and fashion, and he supports and encourages it.  This is an interesting, thought-provoking discussion, Anna. Good luck sorting through what makes sense for you.  Diana on "Do I need to change the way I dress?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-i-need-to-change-the-way-i-dress/page/2#post-947806 Tue, 04 Jun 2013 01:55:41 +0000 Diana 947806@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ OK, coming back with some more levelheaded thoughts after my initial knee-jerk reaction.  I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing to want to change for a person with whom you are in a relationship.  As others have said here, it's often for the better, and it's natural to want to make yourself more pleasing to someone you love.  I would hope that the other party would also try to do the same for you, since it's always a two-way street.  However, I do have a bit of a problem with changing something fundamental about oneself for the purpose of attracting a mate.  It's kind of just like starting on the wrong foot entirely, you know?  But I haven't looked for a date for many years, and I met J. in college (although we broke up for a few years afterwards) where the rules are kind of different.  I never really dated in the real world.  Which is to say, I may have a completely unrealistic outlook on the whole dating thing.  Also, toning down how you dress is one thing, but completely changing your style is another thing altogether.  For one thing, if you just tone down but keep it the same general style, it's a lot easier to ramp it back up once you know the person better.  I do get wanting to appear more approachable or low-maintenance, although by and large I think guys don't realize how much work is involved in getting that "natural, low-maintenance" look they all seem to love.  J's style is very different from mine, he is quite a conservative and preppy dresser.  I tease him about his closet full of blue and white shirts. (Although recently he bought a lavender one!  Baby steps... )  I happen to know that his taste in women's clothes is pretty simple and classic, but he also loves how I dress (although he doesn't always get it) and acknowledges that the simple and classic look would be totally out of place on me.  annagybe on "Do I need to change the way I dress?" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/do-i-need-to-change-the-way-i-dress/page/2#post-947802 Tue, 04 Jun 2013 01:42:27 +0000 annagybe 947802@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I feel I should reclarify. I always tone down how I dress for first dates. I would never wear my harem jeans on a first date. I know they are very Manrepelling.  I also feel that I dress appropriately for the occasion. For example see my opera outfits and recent conference outfit. Still processing all your responses.