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YouLookFab Forum » Topic: . https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/disagreement-with-future-mil-over-wedding-dress Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Sat, 25 Apr 2026 13:07:16 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 <![CDATA[Search]]> q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php DonnaF on "." https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/disagreement-with-future-mil-over-wedding-dress#post-1419308 Mon, 05 Jan 2015 21:30:02 +0000 DonnaF 1419308@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ It would be good to know your future in-laws' emotional and logical reasons surrounding the white dress.  Would it work for them if you were to rent a white dress and have some professional photos taken of you in it with your SO?  Not wear it in the ceremony, but they would still kinda get that white dress to show on their mantle to their friends. Best wishes. Minnie on "." https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/disagreement-with-future-mil-over-wedding-dress#post-1419181 Mon, 05 Jan 2015 18:15:32 +0000 Minnie 1419181@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ It would be nice if the cultural background of the bride could be at least considered and somehow incorporated. Maybe there is a compromise between white western wedding dress and for example red Indian wedding attire. Maybe a soft pastel colored dress in a cut that fuses both styles. rachylou on "." https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/disagreement-with-future-mil-over-wedding-dress#post-1419171 Mon, 05 Jan 2015 18:00:36 +0000 rachylou 1419171@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ First, I have to ask what sort of traditional dress are we talking about and what sort of wedding will y'all be having? Second, I'd try this line: This is awkward, Mr. and Mrs. X, but I have to tell you: WHITE IS THE COLOUR OF DEATH catgirl on "." https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/disagreement-with-future-mil-over-wedding-dress#post-1419116 Mon, 05 Jan 2015 16:47:36 +0000 catgirl 1419116@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Could you compromise by wearing something white in a culturally traditional outfit (in my case, this would be a sari or lehenga choli - and in white would odd to wear for my own wedding - but my South Asian family would be insisting I defer to my husband's in-laws!).  I was fortunate that my husband's family was thrilled to be part of an Indian ceremony and to dress the part, but I can see how hard it would have been otherwise.  What does your fiancé have to say? tulle on "." https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/disagreement-with-future-mil-over-wedding-dress#post-1418918 Mon, 05 Jan 2015 04:31:48 +0000 tulle 1418918@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Oh, I'm sorry you are confronting such obstruction!  Suz has given you a brilliantly tactful way to hold your ground, and I hope it will help your future mother-in-law to understand your feelings. The truth is, the so-called "traditional white" wedding gown has not been traditional here for all that long.  A hundred years ago, a bride would normally have been married in a "best gown" of almost any color that suited her, made for the wedding, and worn for every special occasion long after--a far more practical and less wasteful option than most American brides consider today. Gaylene on "." https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/disagreement-with-future-mil-over-wedding-dress#post-1418719 Sun, 04 Jan 2015 20:01:40 +0000 Gaylene 1418719@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ You've received lots of good advice here, gradfashionista. Like all advice, our responses come from our own personal experiences and values, which may or, may not, be comparable to your situation and values. Finding a solution that works for all parties is probably the ideal but, in my experience, rarely happens unless all parties are willing to re-think and modify their original position. It sounds like you are trying that route, but not getting much help from the others--namely, your future in-laws and SO. What I've found works best for me when I'm faced with a similar situation is to try to move past my position and empathize with the other person's side. Sometimes my assumptions about the other parties' motives are correct but, more often then not, there are other issues at play that warrant my consideration before I decide on my course of action. North American culture sees a wedding as a primarily social event that celebrates a contract between two individuals. Viewed in that light, the bride and groom ought to do what makes them happy since the rest of the participants are supporting players whose function is to celebrate with the couple in the chosen way. But, for many other cultures and generations, weddings are viewed quite differently. The bride and groom may be seen as bit players in what is essentially a blending of , or contract between, families. Or the event is viewed as primarily a family celebration. Or the bride is being formally being turned into a member of the groom's family. Or the wedding is primarily a religious ceremony rather than a social occasion--or any number of other combinations and permutations. If you can figure out why the color and style of your dress is so important to your future MIL, you'll be in a better position to decide on a course of action. If she is just being overbearing and bossy, that calls for one response, but if she is concerned about your acceptance into your SO's family circle, then that might call for a different approach. It was my students who taught me that my preliminary assessments of their motives and reasons behind some of our conflicts could be dead accurate--or way off target. Once I learned more about the conflict from another's perspective, added a little empathy for their situation, and then decided what to do, I was much happier with my final decision. It also seemed easier for my students to accept a decision that went against them if they realized I had taken the time to understand their position. Mary Beth (formerly LBD) on "." https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/disagreement-with-future-mil-over-wedding-dress#post-1418660 Sun, 04 Jan 2015 16:28:21 +0000 Mary Beth (formerly LBD) 1418660@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Best of luck in this!   You know we are all rooting for you     And many felicitations for your happy day!   xoxo gradfashionista on "." https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/disagreement-with-future-mil-over-wedding-dress#post-1418630 Sun, 04 Jan 2015 15:37:25 +0000 gradfashionista 1418630@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Thanks for all of your kind words of support. I'm very much reassured about my decision, and appreciate your sharing your perspectives on the matter. And Suz, what a brilliant way of phrasing my decision. Thistle on "." https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/disagreement-with-future-mil-over-wedding-dress#post-1418615 Sun, 04 Jan 2015 14:12:53 +0000 Thistle 1418615@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ This is so difficult! On the one hand, as Gaylene said, is it the "hill you want to die on", but at the same time, Beth Ann's "begin as you intend to go" is also critical. I think Suz gave you a great way to deal with the situation. Honestly, though, a big part of it comes down to your SO. He has to be willing to deal with it in a kind and tactful way. It sounds like this is going to be the beginning of him helping to set boundaries for his family. Deborah on "." https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/disagreement-with-future-mil-over-wedding-dress#post-1418593 Sun, 04 Jan 2015 12:24:20 +0000 Deborah 1418593@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ If you compromise on this, what will be next.? I also agree that this is a situation where your SO needs to step up and make it clear to his parents that what they are asking is inappropriate, otherwise his parents are likely to think that they have a right in many aspects of your married life also. It's a tough one, you are in my thoughts. Louise on "." https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/disagreement-with-future-mil-over-wedding-dress#post-1418586 Sun, 04 Jan 2015 11:26:17 +0000 Louise 1418586@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I don't envy you this decision (((hugs))) but I am so annoyed on your behalf! This day is yours and DH to be and it should be about what you both want. I'm cross that 50% of the guests would be his parents I wouldn't want to spend my big day being polite to people I hadn't invited, is this a cultural thing that his parents invite their friends? And in terms of the dress you're the one who is wearing and paying for it NO ONE else should have final say on what you wear. I'm getting more and more annoyed here!! I understand about keeping the peace but I also think if you bend on this point you will be bending to their will for the rest of your life x Adelfa on "." https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/disagreement-with-future-mil-over-wedding-dress#post-1418583 Sun, 04 Jan 2015 08:37:39 +0000 Adelfa 1418583@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ What Beth Ann and Tracey said. Be careful of getting into a pattern of capitulation that you can't sustain. And rely on SO to help you with his parents as much as possible. In-laws that would dictate to you about your wedding dress are not going to be easy to get along with, and all the more so if you sense part of the problem is that you're South Asian (BTDT except my parent is Mexican). You will need a long range plan and excellent communication with SO. I wish you the very very very best!!! Janet on "." https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/disagreement-with-future-mil-over-wedding-dress#post-1418577 Sun, 04 Jan 2015 05:36:05 +0000 Janet 1418577@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I'm sorry, but the way I see it, you are a grown woman and only you should get to decide what you will wear for your wedding day, especially since you are paying for the dress. I don't mean to sound harsh, but if you've always been opposed to the idea of wearing white for the ceremony, do you really want to compromise that? I just feel like in-laws who want to control how you dress will possibly want to control other aspects of your life later on, unless you make your preferences and boundaries very clear. Anonymous on "." https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/disagreement-with-future-mil-over-wedding-dress#post-1418576 Sun, 04 Jan 2015 05:27:05 +0000 Anonymous 1418576@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ You have many wise and thought filled responses. Wishing you a wonderful wedding and married life. Beth Ann on "." https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/disagreement-with-future-mil-over-wedding-dress#post-1418571 Sun, 04 Jan 2015 05:16:16 +0000 Beth Ann 1418571@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ The wedding is for a day, but a marriage lasts a lifetime.  Having just come from a very difficult holiday season at my in-laws, I'd encourage you to be compassionate and kind, but "begin as you intend to go on."  I'm not sure where that quote came from, but in my own life, and watching marriages under strain during my DH's years in ministry, I realized that many (women particularly) make concessions they can handle for awhile, but then resentment and frustration starts to build and fester. This is a great opportunity to build unity between yourself and your soon-to-be DH.  Brainstorming a solution together, and communicating with your future in-laws jointly, can give you a chance to establish loving, but healthy boundaries. Best wishes to you and SO! jenanded on "." https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/disagreement-with-future-mil-over-wedding-dress#post-1418567 Sun, 04 Jan 2015 04:59:21 +0000 jenanded 1418567@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ My heart feels for you! I have no solutions alas but I had a somewhat similar thing with my lovely, but nevertheless very religious MIL saying she would veto our wedding if it wasn't a religion and location that complied with her views. I knew my mother had her own strongly held opinions on her religion but she did not veto. I complied with MIL. As I have got older I have grown in my appreciation of how my mother had to push her values aside for her only daughter's wedding. And yes, when it is all said and done, it is a day you can never have again and it is significant rite of passage in the story of your own life. I am not really one for regrets, but as life weaves on I realise it was really the bride's one day that it should be about her and that I compromised on nearly everything - except the boy, and my flowers... good luck. TraceyLiz65 on "." https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/disagreement-with-future-mil-over-wedding-dress#post-1418552 Sun, 04 Jan 2015 04:08:00 +0000 TraceyLiz65 1418552@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ It is SO's responsibility to deal with issues on his family's side...He needs to take the stand for you. I hope he will support you by stepping up. He knows his parents better and may no how to appeal to their compassion in a way that won't cause a rift. Your lack of knowing them as well makes that virtually impossible...   This is your wedding and nothing is more personal than the dress you wear, your makeup and hairstyle.   Mary Beth (formerly LBD) on "." https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/disagreement-with-future-mil-over-wedding-dress#post-1418506 Sun, 04 Jan 2015 02:50:07 +0000 Mary Beth (formerly LBD) 1418506@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ This is a very tough situation.   My former female in-laws were that kind of southern traditional - they wanted everyone to fit in with 'the herd'.   More than once, someone tried to use money to try and sway someone else's important life decisions.   Now, I'm not saying that the color of a dress is an important life decision.  It is simply that, in my experience, I found that if I didn't take a stand for what I wanted on a semi-regular basis, these ladies were all set to steamroll me with their sweet syrup and hugs, with a huge creamy center of guilt and emotional blackmail.  I think Suz's words are very wise and actually very tactful.   I firmly believe that it is the bride's day, and she should get to choose the dress she wants. I also think that if you truly want to be free of any resentment that will linger in your own mind for a very long time, you should wear the dress you want.   Don't let people guilt you or emotionally blackmail you.     But it does mean you and SO should be prepared to pay for your own wedding. I wish you all the best, positive vibes and cheers from the sidelines here, as you fight the good fight :) Suz on "." https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/disagreement-with-future-mil-over-wedding-dress#post-1418491 Sun, 04 Jan 2015 02:22:43 +0000 Suz 1418491@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Wow, this is a really tough situation. You have my sympathy.  How does your SO feel about the dress itself? I would be interested in his opinion about this. And I wonder if he would be up to having a group discussion with his immediate family about this.  And, how will your parents and important family members feel if you do not wear your traditional dress?  Friends who have found themselves in this position have done the following: if there is any kind of religious service happening, wear the gown that is traditional for that religion/ culture. And then change into the other outfit immediately after, for the reception -- or, sometimes, for a second ceremony.  In the end, on this one, I might forego tact and be quietly assertive. "My heritage is important to me. It is important to me to honour my family by wearing traditional dress. I need to do this -- and the loyalty I am showing to my family of origin is the same loyalty I bring to the new family I am forming with your son."  Or words to that effect.  Gaylene on "." https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/disagreement-with-future-mil-over-wedding-dress#post-1418485 Sun, 04 Jan 2015 02:12:53 +0000 Gaylene 1418485@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ One of the best pieces of advice that was given to me by a friend, who was more than familiar with my digging in my heels when I don't feel I ought to be forced into doing something that goes against my ideas, was "Pick the hill you want to die on". Is your wedding dress the hill you want to die on? If it is, then wear what you want; on the other hand, if getting along with your new in-laws is important to your future happiness, then save yourself for a fight where you are willing to die before giving an inch. That piece of advice has saved me a lot of grief over the years because some things are worth fighting tooth and nail for--and never capitulating. Other things are worth gritting my teeth and letting someone else have their way because, in the longer view, they just aren't worth the angst, frustration, and bad feelings that sticking to my guns would cause in a relationship. Helena on "." https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/disagreement-with-future-mil-over-wedding-dress#post-1418459 Sun, 04 Jan 2015 01:22:24 +0000 Helena 1418459@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Oh my, this is a tricky one ... however, if that's the way they are (which, IMO, is pretty awful), then at some point or another you are probably going to be forced to lay down the law. Are you buying your own dress? if so, I would buy the one you feel is more appropriate. That is a big line they are crossing, especially if it's culturally motivated, as you suspect. Easier said than done; i don't envy you, but I can only say I think you are 100% right to insist that you wear the dress you want to. Best of luck and hugs of support ... you will look beautiful, I'm sure!! gradfashionista on "." https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/disagreement-with-future-mil-over-wedding-dress#post-1418437 Sun, 04 Jan 2015 00:53:27 +0000 gradfashionista 1418437@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ .