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YouLookFab Forum » Topic: * https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dealing-with-tween-moods Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Thu, 23 Apr 2026 04:44:58 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 <![CDATA[Search]]> q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php SarahTheWhite on "*" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dealing-with-tween-moods/page/2#post-1656583 Sat, 07 May 2016 13:55:22 +0000 SarahTheWhite 1656583@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I'm just now catching up on this thread. This whole pre-teen/young teen thing is quite a ride, isn't it? You met my 13 year old so you know mine won't stop talking. There are days I just wish for a surly grunt instead of a two hour verbal barrage. I am thankful that I always know where he is emotionally and literally EVERY single thought that passes through his head, but wow... Just wow. The attitude thing is really hard to address. I am still not quite sure how, and my husband and I have very different styles. He wants to shut it down and force a good attitude and I'm too far the other direction of letting him vent and not pushing. Poor kid probably gets whiplash. What has helped me the most, I think, is pointing out what other kids do that I don't think is appropriate (as far as how they treat their parents or siblings). I don't want, or like, to run other people down, but it does help to have a real life object lesson that is less personal. I will tell him that everyone seems to expect that just because teenagers have changing/raging hormones, they have license to be ugly to people, but that I don't think that is the case. "Do you hear how your friend x and his siblings talk to their parents and each other? I would be so sad if you ever treated me like that. I am so proud of you for being a teenager and not acting like that..." Sometimes his behavior and attitudes get a lot better when I make him feel that he is just as capable as an adult of controlling himself. I am very happy to have the collective YLF wisdom in the above responses to refer to! And I am right there in the trenches with you sister! On another practical note, I have a friend with an 11 year old (who is as big as most 13 year olds) and she said that she just discovered that he turns into an attitude monster when he is hungry! I would have not thought to link that together... I wonder what would happen if you just hand him something to eat when he is at his surliest? Might be an ingesting experiment... anne on "*" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dealing-with-tween-moods/page/2#post-1655872 Fri, 06 May 2016 04:52:46 +0000 anne 1655872@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I have been really soaking up the wisdom on this thread! Thanks everyone. Loved hearing about BC's journal particularly! My daughter is nearly 13 so all too soon I'll be dealing with this. At the moment she is still pretty communicative and self-aware. She is also sensitive and I have to try very hard not to be what she considers "harsh". Even a "look" can upset her  (eg "Mum what did that look on your face when I said [x] mean because you looked angry?") One thing I  related to Una, was saying how DS wants to talk when you are dozy. I struggle with this, as the older I get the less there is of the former "night owl". Older wiser mums have told me how important it is to be available at night for teenagers to talk - and yet, now I'm back at work I can't nap in the day to compensate like I used to, and have in fact, trying to ensure I get enough sleep by going to bed early. At the moment, DD12 is working on getting more sleep too, so there's not a conflict but I am flagging it for the future. (Since we have a church for Uni students, I already deal with their hours by sometimes going to bed before they leave our house - DH is a confirmed night owl and can keep on going but has more flexibility to catch up on sleep) Aziraphale on "*" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dealing-with-tween-moods/page/2#post-1655800 Fri, 06 May 2016 01:24:29 +0000 Aziraphale 1655800@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I'm going to print out Gaylene's response and stick in on my fridge. Sal on "*" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dealing-with-tween-moods/page/2#post-1655634 Thu, 05 May 2016 20:26:03 +0000 Sal 1655634@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I am late to the thread- my sons are 11 and 14 and we are amidst it too. I don't have more wisdom than what has been offered by others. There are two fab NZ authors- Nigel Latta and Celia Lashlie- both very pragmatic and real. This has prompted me to re read! catgirl on "*" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dealing-with-tween-moods/page/2#post-1655546 Thu, 05 May 2016 17:30:42 +0000 catgirl 1655546@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ BrieN, more great advice. I agree home needs to be a safe haven and a place to let go of outside stress. We all need that! We have lots of cuddly pets, we eat dinner together, and we try to have an evening routine. We also try to make it to our cabin once a month for some time away from electronics. But DS's social life and activities (which we limit! I don't want him to live that overbooked life) take more and more time. I don't know why school starts so early and sports go so late (8:30 pm basketball games?). Anyway, I feel calmer and better today. This morning he crawled in to cuddle and drone on about his bad dream. Watching that change from little one to young man is really something. Fortunately he and his dad are very bonded for times when he needs that kind of direction. Thank you again, all of you - clearly YLF is raising some wonderful kids. BrieN on "*" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dealing-with-tween-moods/page/2#post-1655515 Thu, 05 May 2016 16:45:29 +0000 BrieN 1655515@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ alaskagirl - It sounds to me like you're doing a great job -- what you describe -- your close relationship, talking, and reading together at night -- sounds really solid. Tween-dom is no walk in the park. I remember when my younger child graduated from 8th grade and feeling so relieved that I never had to go back to middle school ever again (as some of the "stuff" does bring up your own experiences) I commend you on the phone choice. We did get our daughters very basic phones when they hit 7th grade or so -- with all the extra-curriculars it was easier for me. -- but nether got a smart phone until 16.  I think most importantly that home has to be a safe haven. When they are being pushed to the breaking point by social stuff, or fatigue, or physical stuff just being able to walk in the door and know they are loved goes a long long way.  I remembered thinking that they were likely hearing or receiving a lot of negativity and criticism during the day and that they needed me to refrain from any "helpful comments" Time spent "shoulder to shoulder" (rather than face to face) was usually good talking time -- car rides, walks, etc. I got pretty good at asking the the types of questions that kept the conversation going -- i.e. "what do you think about that"   When they would divulge something disturbing that someone did to someone else, we would talk about how the child perpetrating the nastiness probably didn't "feel good inside their body" or inside their skin. Even at that age they realize that if you feel good and happy and confident, you aren't mean to others. You just aren't.  I think it helped them realize that when they were being mean to, uh, me, that it was likely because they weren't feeling good about something that had happened to them. The vicious circle.  I would suggest picking up a copy of Dweck's Mindset. It's a great resource to have during the years where kids are developing a view of themselves - I am someone who is ..... (good at math, bad at sports, etc etc)  ok. long post ;) catgirl on "*" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dealing-with-tween-moods/page/2#post-1655264 Thu, 05 May 2016 06:27:39 +0000 catgirl 1655264@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Deb, those are excellent points and so true - much of this is my own emotional upheaval as I get pushed away, and he and I react to each other's moods much more readily than DH. We had a sweet night tonight reading together before bed - maybe he and I both still need a little of that. I certainly don't want him to think he has to take care of my emotional needs. This is HIS time to figure himself out and stretch his boundaries. It's new for us both. deb on "*" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dealing-with-tween-moods/page/2#post-1655262 Thu, 05 May 2016 05:59:36 +0000 deb 1655262@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Ok, I am coming from another angle here so please bear with me. From my past experience as an 11 year old myself and raising both a daughter and a son on my own, I think in retrospect, a lot of what I felt were issues was totally me. My fear of losing my babies, their growing up, moving away from me, all of it. My daughter was my practice child so when my son went through his stage I was more practiced and less stressed and worried. Honestly, I was so sad that the awful stage had come I had trouble with my own emotions which made it harder on my children. I know you think the life stuff he deals with today is harder than you dealt with, but didn't your parents feel the same when raising you? This is just another or maybe the first step in moving away from you and it is so hard, scary, and sad. We say we want them to grow up to be well adjusted humans and then realize as we help them do this we become less well adjusted humans. At least for awhile. (I say ten years for me). Una, no matter what, he is making his own decisions now and can you really change them? My guess is no. As humans, the only way we grow is by making mistakes. Having a safe place to land when the mistakes are made is really all we, as parents, can provide. catgirl on "*" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dealing-with-tween-moods/page/2#post-1655185 Thu, 05 May 2016 02:34:50 +0000 catgirl 1655185@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I knew I could count on you all for some stellar advice.  Gaylene, your post basically sums it all up.  No matter what, we hug goodnight and say "I love you" before bed.  And Tracey and others who are mostly on the other side are helping me with perspective. I picked up DS today and he was in a silly bubbly mood.  We had a little car chat and he acknowledged and apologized, and I told him he needs to tell me kindly if he needs me to stop asking questions.  We came up with some good ideas.  He's really a good kid, it's just that we've been so close.  He knew I was upset this morning. I remember when he was a baby with huge brown eyes, how closely he would study people's faces for emotional cues.  That's still in there somewhere. Thank you all - this thread is a favorite among favorites for me now. TraceyLiz65 on "*" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dealing-with-tween-moods/page/2#post-1655169 Thu, 05 May 2016 01:48:54 +0000 TraceyLiz65 1655169@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ As a mother of three boys all older than yours, I can say that I refused to get confrontational while still expecting respectful behavior. I would literally laugh and ask what made them think that was ok. The minute I saw shame in them I build them back up saying It's not becoming of them and they could do better. It in my opinion got my point across without escalating it. It's an age related thing and I almost expected it while still letting them no, it isn't ok. UmmLila (Lisa) on "*" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dealing-with-tween-moods#post-1655123 Wed, 04 May 2016 23:33:02 +0000 UmmLila (Lisa) 1655123@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ My kidlet is 16. We let her have a phone at the end of 7th grade. She was not really pleased about that. I have not really had any significant issues with sullenness or nastiness. She is also not one of those kids who has to stay up late, so she doesn't have that chronic lack of sleep hangover that many seem to in the morning. However, she has always been a person who needs her down time / alone time and we let her have that. When she's out in the family room she's mostly nice and social. My husband (from a traditional Middle Eastern background) feels that she should say hello to him when he enters a room and considers a failure to do so bad attitude. I often find with her that the best time to talk about important issues seems to be either in the car or going for a walk. (Oh yeah, we also achieve some bonding lately over mutual enthusiasm for Beyonce's new album and the Lumineers' new album) Anonymous on "*" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dealing-with-tween-moods#post-1655121 Wed, 04 May 2016 23:30:30 +0000 Anonymous 1655121@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ One thing my DH and I wanted was for our kids to talk so we'd know what they were thinking. That means allowing them to be open and honest, while being respectful, even if what they were saying was not what we wanted to hear. Also, my parents taught me that respect has to be earned. I didn't have to respect someone just because he/she was older. I had to be nice, but I didn't have to defer to that person. That made it easier for me to relate to adults, and I appreciated them for it. My mom hates a whiny tone, and said it was better not to say ma'am or sir than to say it sarcastically. Gaylene on "*" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dealing-with-tween-moods#post-1655120 Wed, 04 May 2016 23:30:08 +0000 Gaylene 1655120@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ You've got some good advice here from those who've been through the turmoil of raising boys. Pick your battles, observe from afar, feed him regularly, practice the formula of 90% listening/10% talking, keep your emotions in check, tolerate outbursts instead of reacting, and don't lose your sense of humor. Set a few, but firm, lines that cannot be crossed and don't waiver. Let him know you and your husband will help him figure out any major problems but will let him work out the rest without interference because you have confidence in his ability to make good decisions. Be diligent about not offering unsolicited advice or prying. Be his mother but don't treat him like your baby boy. Make him treat his girlfriends(!) well and let him mourn his heartbreaks alone. Never criticize his friends; instead, invite them into your home and feed them. Be disappointed instead of angry when he makes mistakes in judgement. Console yourself with the thought the boy you snuggled with only a year ago is still there, but there are also the beginnings of the man he will become a few short years from now. Realize that the surly teen you see in your home isn't the face he shows to the rest of the world. Other parents will call your son charming, and you'll be thinking the same about their kid. Both of you will be right--and wrong. And don't forget to hug him at least once a day, even if he looks impatient or rolls his eyes. Tell him it's a mother thing--something you need to do now, and forever and all time. And one day, in the future, that surly boy will be telling you to drive carefully and let him know when you arrive safely at your destination. Both of you will have survived your trial by fire and emerged, intact, on the other side. Anonymous on "*" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dealing-with-tween-moods#post-1655116 Wed, 04 May 2016 23:17:12 +0000 Anonymous 1655116@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Now THAT'S what I call some smart mothering.  You're a natural! catgirl on "*" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dealing-with-tween-moods#post-1655114 Wed, 04 May 2016 23:10:37 +0000 catgirl 1655114@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I read the original "Love and Logic" years ago - thanks for reminding me of the series! And yes to everything you've said. My child is convinced he's the only kid in the world without a phone but it's the reason he will still talk and gets irritated with his friends for being on their devices all the time. Yes, it's that TONE. I feel like recording him because he refuses to believe he sounds so nasty saying "good morning". He is currently earning a dollar for each day with no attitude (which I put in an envelope) and when he gets to $200 I will put it toward a phone. Looks like he will be 25 when that happens. :p Anonymous on "*" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dealing-with-tween-moods#post-1655105 Wed, 04 May 2016 22:41:07 +0000 Anonymous 1655105@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ My boys are 11.5 and 15 and we go through this on a daily basis, especially with the high school freshman! Have you read the "Love and Logic for Teenagers" book? It talks about their burgeoning independence and your transition from "do this do that" role to an advisor to your teenager, keeping your cool, allowing them to feel the consequences of their decisions, etc. It's all easier said than done, of course, but we've found it helpful. I always try to stress with my teenager that TONE OF VOICE is so important. It's often not the words he's saying that are offensive or disrespectful, but his tone ... that teenage condescension. I also try to give him some "wins" or some independence to feed that savage teenage beast. He's still not getting an iPhone. :) But yeah, settle in for the long haul and check out the Love and Logic Teenager book. You will most likely have the same conversations and make the same points over and over again. You'll think you're going insane. You'll wonder if he'll ever get it. And every now and then he'll show you positive glimpses of the young man he's becoming and it'll tide you over until the next time he decides to act human. catgirl on "*" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dealing-with-tween-moods#post-1655045 Wed, 04 May 2016 20:28:41 +0000 catgirl 1655045@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Thanks for that perspective, C1! My cousin's kids are all so lovely and well behaved compared to their American counterparts! I waver between Tiger Mom and Whatever Mom... And yes, agree the car seems to be the best place to talk or listen, as well as snuggling before bed if he is so inclined. crazyone on "*" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dealing-with-tween-moods#post-1655032 Wed, 04 May 2016 20:12:42 +0000 crazyone 1655032@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I haven't parented but I think this is normal, and just because your boy can be a sullen 12 year old it definitely does not mean that he will be like that later on!  I think we tolerate behavior in kids that we wouldn't tolerate in adults, and that's utterly normal, both because of hormonal reasons but also because they're learning about how to interact with others and fit into society.   Also, FYI, I almost never snap at anyone, with the rather big exception of my parents (especially my poor mother).  So it's quite likely that he's less sullen around other people, even at this age   Re: Indian children (in India), I think some of it is due to more authoritarian parenting styles, and traditionally, the need to grow up fast.  I'm sure with smaller, richer families the same teenage sullen is cropping up too.  It is a hormonally difficult time (though occurring at younger ages in modern/Western societies) so I do think a lot of this is real and not just popular media driven.  "Hot-headed youth" is a pretty hoary stereotype, after all. JAileen on "*" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dealing-with-tween-moods#post-1655029 Wed, 04 May 2016 20:06:20 +0000 JAileen 1655029@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ My son is all grown and on his own. I remember that age, though. He was very trying. I found driving in the car to be a good place to communicate. My son would talk then I think because we weren't facing each other. Also, other parents would tell us how nice he was, and my husband and I would look at each other wondering if they were talking about someone else. Apparently, kids are nicer to other adults than to their parents. Familiarity breeds contempt, maybe? Now we have a great relationship with him. He lives across the country but calls home every week or so and we catch up. He's a really interesting person. Mochi on "*" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dealing-with-tween-moods#post-1655026 Wed, 04 May 2016 20:02:52 +0000 Mochi 1655026@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ What lisap said. You can't do much about attitude that is in large part hormonally driven and a part of the whole move toward separation. It's not fun but at least you have one kid and eventually he'll grow out of it. Wonder if your husband would have a different take on it, having been a boy himself. My daughter became more secretive (not that she was doing anything problematic--she just stopped sharing and chatting about everything going on) and "tolerant" of me and my DH, heh. Her attitude wasn't too bad, but I think it's more the contrast with the open-hearted little kids we enjoyed up until they became tweens.  rachylou on "*" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dealing-with-tween-moods#post-1655008 Wed, 04 May 2016 19:37:39 +0000 rachylou 1655008@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I just had this memory. When dd was about this age, she got particularly argumentative when she was coming down with a cold. It was a learning moment for both of us, about what drives perceptions and behavior. You have to learn when you're tired and hungry...and teens are that all the time. Anonymous on "*" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dealing-with-tween-moods#post-1654995 Wed, 04 May 2016 19:13:38 +0000 Anonymous 1654995@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ You might be surprised at what you find, alaskagirl.  catgirl on "*" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dealing-with-tween-moods#post-1654991 Wed, 04 May 2016 19:08:35 +0000 catgirl 1654991@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ BC, I kept a diary from 6th grade all through college. I should dig them out although I'll probably want to burn them. catgirl on "*" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dealing-with-tween-moods#post-1654987 Wed, 04 May 2016 19:07:23 +0000 catgirl 1654987@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Lisa and Gail, thanks. I do worry about the whole "what's wrong?" approach which I tend to do when I pick him up and he just grunts in response to any questions. It's a change for me too, and the logical assumption when someone acts grouchy is that something must be bothering. But of course I'm not going to be privy to the girl crush or the zit anguish. I just want him to know the difference between secrets he can keep and things he needs to share (safety concerns, bullying) if they are occurring. I fear not being vigilant but also don't want to be a nag. You are right that it's probably only with us that the attitude occurs - and he often says so! Note to self: stop overthinking. Aziraphale on "*" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dealing-with-tween-moods#post-1654985 Wed, 04 May 2016 19:05:57 +0000 Aziraphale 1654985@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ My daughter is also 12.5, and I know what you mean. Often, she has a Tone. I think it's par for the course with teens, but I'm with you in that I have limits to how much attitude I'll put up with. I kind of feel like there is a middle ground. I'll let some things go, and call her out on others. Pick your battles, right? Like your son, she's a good kid who's very obviously just embarking on the roller coaster of puberty. What I find works best is maintaining my own composure. It seems to rub off on her. ;-) Anonymous on "*" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dealing-with-tween-moods#post-1654981 Wed, 04 May 2016 19:02:13 +0000 Anonymous 1654981@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I'll tell you what helped me. I used to think I was one of those kids who didn't get moody in middle school. Well, my memory was faulty. One day I found a diary that one of my middle school teachers required me to keep. In it was a bunch of day-to-day details, and I saw that my moods went from really high to really low. Not suicidal low or anything, but crying low. It was then that I realized how patient I needed to be (and still need to be) with my DDs. Sometimes we just forget what it was like. Anonymous on "*" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dealing-with-tween-moods#post-1654977 Wed, 04 May 2016 18:54:48 +0000 Anonymous 1654977@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I haven't read everything above, so forgive me if I'm repeating myself.  The surly, moody, snappiness is hormonal and emotional, and rather than try to shut it down at every opportunity, I ignored it for the most part.  It seemed to be the best approach. Jill was not half as bad as some kids that age can be, but still, I know what you mean. I figured that as long as the surly, cranky stuff didn't extend to other people - namely teachers , coaches and other adults- that I could put up with it if I reminded myself what it was all about. I don't know about you, but I did find that the more I pushed at it attempting to find out "what was wrong", the worse it got.  My husband and I decided to not overthink it, let her be (for the most part - I mean I'm only human and did lose it once in awhile when she was rude to me) and it thankfully never got terrible.  Even now, at 19-soon-to-be 20 , there is the odd manifestation of stress from exams, sports injuries, etc into being crabby toward me.  But I know she is a respectful and pleasant person to the rest of the world, and I can take it. My job as a mother, is what I figure - to teach her by not overreacting. That's my 2 c , anyways catgirl on "*" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dealing-with-tween-moods#post-1654960 Wed, 04 May 2016 18:30:01 +0000 catgirl 1654960@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ BC, yes my father used to quote that Mark Twain saying to me all the time. I know many parents dealing with issues their adult children face, and they do it with such grace. I feel I lack that depth of grace right now. Anonymous on "*" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dealing-with-tween-moods#post-1654956 Wed, 04 May 2016 18:21:33 +0000 Anonymous 1654956@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ You'll get smart again when your child finishes high school, lol. Right now, you don't know much as far as your child's concerned. It's amazing how we parents know so much after our children are grown. catgirl on "*" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dealing-with-tween-moods#post-1654949 Wed, 04 May 2016 18:16:18 +0000 catgirl 1654949@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Xtabay, excellent and succinct advice. Somehow DS is most prone to open up as I'm dozing off, and I need to be prepared to listen at all times.