https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dating-dilemma Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Mon, 27 Apr 2026 08:10:27 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dating-dilemma/page/3#post-1194935 Fri, 14 Mar 2014 20:33:13 +0000 abc 1194935@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I would second what Adelfa said re paying and cultural differences. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dating-dilemma/page/3#post-1194670 Fri, 14 Mar 2014 15:52:31 +0000 Jules 1194670@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>The last comment is a joke, btw. I realize being pressured to kiss someone you're really not into is kinda gross, and junior high, and stuff. I'm just sayin, you never know. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dating-dilemma/page/3#post-1194525 Fri, 14 Mar 2014 13:45:44 +0000 Jules 1194525@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>For me it was: met a nice a guy, in friends-in-common circumstances, several times. I did consciously notice that he seemed like a gentleman, had an interesting/good job that he was engaged in, and eventually that he might be interested in me&nbsp;(from the sexy way he ripped out his Palm Pilot to get my email and invite me to a party....). But I was NOT physically attracted to him initially.</p> <p>I'm kind of introverted and can be anti-social, and I&nbsp;almost didn't go to that party but forced myself out the door because of a NY resolution to&nbsp;&nbsp;meet new people and&nbsp;make more&nbsp;single friends. There was much drunken revelry and flirting within a small group of us... eventually and in context, he kissed me. I was shocked at the clear chemistry. We embarked on a very physical initial love affair and then turned out to be surprisingly compatible, and are now&nbsp;married with two kids.&nbsp;</p> <p>So... there were no "initial" sparks. I'm reminded of the cliché that 90% of women are attracted to the same 20% of men. I had to kiss the frog to feel what were (are) some very serious sparks. </p> <p>So kiss already ;)</p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dating-dilemma/page/3#post-1194251 Fri, 14 Mar 2014 04:19:19 +0000 Anonymous 1194251@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Another goldenpig story here. Totally in team give the guy a chance. Sparks are great but highly overrated. There is no better spark than having a simple, reciprocal and "just not as heavy" relationship. Sometimes all of that chemistry, so avidly described as the gold standard, can really get in the way of building a strong and lasting relationship. All of my relationship mistakes, have always been fueled by the fact that I made concessions on the true wrongs because the " chemistry " was so great. I am very glad I found my simple love. I was tired of trying so hard, to be honest. I have been with my simple love for 10 years and although they have not been perfect, far from it, I think this is the one, I truly do. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dating-dilemma/page/3#post-1193933 Thu, 13 Mar 2014 21:39:04 +0000 citygirldc 1193933@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I say give it one more chance. I married my husband knowing&nbsp;he was a definite&nbsp;"no" when I first saw / met him.&nbsp;He pursued me&nbsp;for a&nbsp;while and&nbsp;look at me now&nbsp;married for&nbsp;10&nbsp;years. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dating-dilemma/page/3#post-1193889 Thu, 13 Mar 2014 20:53:11 +0000 rachylou 1193889@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>You know, Amy, I don't suppose it's not an uncommon experience... </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dating-dilemma/page/3#post-1193067 Thu, 13 Mar 2014 04:02:46 +0000 Adelfa 1193067@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>And just wanted to add, if he has trouble with you insisting to pay, that might be more about his cultural background than about his need for control. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dating-dilemma/page/3#post-1192705 Wed, 12 Mar 2014 20:55:35 +0000 minimalist 1192705@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Rachy just blew me away by summing up my marriage.<br /> .<br /> .<br /> .<br /> .<br /> Picking jaw up from ground. </p> <p>Wait, what was the original topic?</p> <p>Right, the question of B. </p> <p>I agree with most of what crazyone says, except that I subscribe partially to ideas of gender polarity in intimate relationships, for myself. </p> <p>When I met bf, he quickly made it clear that he was interested in dating me. I was open about not being up for dating anyone. Somehow, he found that narrow middle ground of maintaining contact without pressuring me, yet never slipping into the just-friends zone. He was very clever about it all, and never let one non-date end without having the next one planned. I found it attractive that he was willing to do all that work, while leaving me plenty of space. </p> <p>Bf is not the physical type I'd have pulled from a catalog, all else being equal. But I already had a husband who was exactly my carnal type. Reference Rachylou. There are other physical types that would never, ever work for me, and I would never give a man in one of my absolutely-no-go categories a chance. So I can't vote for "give it time, Anna!" without knowing what flavor of non-attraction you feel about B. </p> <p>Looks status is affected by other factors, for both men and women. Is there something you value, Anna, that if B. brought to the table it would improve your perception of his physical attractiveness?<br /> [deleted possibly offensive examples] </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dating-dilemma/page/3#post-1192699 Wed, 12 Mar 2014 20:46:21 +0000 Jules 1192699@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I was single and unhappy about it for a long time. Looking back, I think my sensors were quite off, actually. So,&nbsp;I'd suggest letting it get physical -&nbsp;since you already seem to think he is worthwhile, decent etc. For me, the first real kiss always said a lot, and often not what I was expecting. But if I didn't feel *it* on the first kiss, things didn't get better.<br />I know you said you have friends aplenty, and I see that you have a rich life with many hobbies, interests etc. But expanding your circle and being open to a new friend&nbsp;is not a bad thing either. That is how I met my DH. Hanging around the same old crowd was not helping me meet new people. </p> <p>Adding my experiential two cents to the growing pile :)</p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dating-dilemma/page/3#post-1192545 Wed, 12 Mar 2014 17:51:30 +0000 rachylou 1192545@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Well, if things are dead, you might as well move on. I mean, for better or worse, a girl has to have motivation to move forward. If you don't, you don't.</p> <p>On a tangent, I think it's worth asking what's off or demotivating. I say so because I feel we decide ahead of time, in a vacuum, what we'll be attracted to. And results vary because nuances matter. I'm thinking of my boyfriend #3. He, on paper, had it all for me: tall, good looking (but not a pretty man, lol), successful, steadfast, of a practical capable bent, a dash of charming (and only a dash), not too chatty. But I found I didn't approve of him as a human being and still don't after all these years - and I know that's pretty harsh, because he's a good father and husband and worker. It's because being good is not at the core of his being; it's incidental. And I do care and weigh decisions against the scales of right and wrong. I think I've done a lot better making that micron adjustment in search focus - looking for someone less passively good. This sort of thing really doesn't matter to everyone; I just happen to have a nasty streak of religiosity and there are things I can live with and things I can't. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dating-dilemma/page/3#post-1192294 Wed, 12 Mar 2014 13:13:57 +0000 Janet 1192294@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Heh, static can build up. </p> <p>I totally understand. I ditched a guy years ago who seemed so perfect in every way -- good looking, smart, musician, excellent cook, doted on me… but somehow it felt like he doted on me *too* much. Without getting into the psychology of how I respond to emotionally available vs. emotionally distant men, let's suffice to say his pursuit kind of turned me off. Sometimes a little mystery is appealing. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dating-dilemma/page/3#post-1192220 Wed, 12 Mar 2014 09:32:35 +0000 Lyn D. 1192220@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I am looking forward to the next instalment Anna- and I hope there is one.<br />From another long-time married to a 'nice-guy'. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dating-dilemma/page/3#post-1192211 Wed, 12 Mar 2014 08:20:00 +0000 froggiebecky 1192211@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Hmm…I like the idea that was mentioned above. I found that dates "flow" really well if you can do something: maybe suggest a night of bowling (so dorky its fun), playing pool, a hike.&nbsp;</p> <p>And, like you, I'm continually frustrated by the dating scene.&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dating-dilemma/page/3#post-1192194 Wed, 12 Mar 2014 05:57:52 +0000 MsMary 1192194@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>FWIW, I'm also Team Give It A Chance.</p> <p>And not that you asked, but somebody on Corporette dot com recently recommended <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/075731743X/ref=oh_details_o03_s00_i00?ie=UTF8&amp;psc=1" rel="nofollow">this book</a> about successful dating and I found it pretty interesting.&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dating-dilemma/page/2#post-1192073 Wed, 12 Mar 2014 02:43:20 +0000 annagybe 1192073@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I should say I'm not looking for lightning. I know from experience. But I'm hoping for at least some static electricity. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dating-dilemma/page/2#post-1191937 Tue, 11 Mar 2014 23:26:40 +0000 rute 1191937@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Sometimes it takes time! With my hubby it took a lot of time, i was ready to give up, i'm glad he was so persistent! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dating-dilemma/page/2#post-1191879 Tue, 11 Mar 2014 21:45:33 +0000 Caro in Oz 1191879@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I had the <b>spark</b> with my first partner who turned out to be abusive. <br />My DH &amp; I have been friends since I was 17 - love can grow <br />I'm with the others who say give it time &amp; I also&nbsp;like IK's idea of seeing how he responds to you paying for a night out.&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dating-dilemma/page/2#post-1191830 Tue, 11 Mar 2014 19:35:34 +0000 mrseccentric 1191830@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I know it's naughty of me to say this, having been single until i was 37 i well know that dating as a full grown adult has plenty of pitfalls and fraughtness - but anna your story has made me laugh!</p> <p>A little explanation. So i was single after a very serious long-term relationship ended not nicely and determined to not do the rebound thing. i was dating pretty often (only three guys at a time - and i wrote 'dating' not 'what you may have been thinking' and volunteering a a local wildlife museum on the weekends.&nbsp; I was part of a team of around 15 docents who handled non-releasable critters and gave talks on them to the public (formal and informal talks). The best time i've had in my life.</p> <p>I don't even remember the first time i met my husband. We'd both come in to volunteering at the same time, but it was a couple of months before i'd even noticed him (because he complimented me on a parka which if i wore now he'd pull his hair out). Over time we talked more, after a few months he asked if i wanted to go birding which of course i did as i'm a maniac birder. After a fun morning we returned to his car, where he pulled out champagne flutes and some sparkly........at which point i gave the 'only friends' talk. He was nice and funny and good looking and we had a ton of similar interests and values and he was a great dresser but honestly, NOT my type.</p> <p>Fortunately, my little talk didn't prevent Tony from asking me to go on further dinners, movies, etc. On our third or fourth date we went into SF and saw a play, followed by dinner and a fun midnite stroll in North Beach. When this confirmed 'to bed by nine pm' girl glance at her watch and saw it was one am (i had no idea!), i realized i'd made a big mistake. But, lucky me, Tony just figured he'd keep asking, i kept saying sure, and we worked it out. We've been married almost fifteen years now, and no regrets.</p> <p>It seems that things don't always develop the way we think they should or do...if you're worried about leading him on, just let him know how you feel and if he decides he's still like to spend time with you, he's a grown up and gets to make his own decisions as far as i'm concerned.</p> <p>Best of luck in any case, and have fun! steph </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dating-dilemma/page/2#post-1191815 Tue, 11 Mar 2014 19:05:01 +0000 Gaylene 1191815@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Wow, dating rituals are definitely more complex and fraught with peril these days. All, I know is that, if I had been looking for comparability, suitability, and compatibility using a checklist and a couple of a couple of dates, I'd have never ended up with Mr. Gaylene which would have been a huge tragedy for me and a lucky break for someone else. </p> <p>Compatibility and similarity aren't quite the same thing. And I suspect I'd have quite a laugh if I ran into a list of "what I require in a partner" compiled before I actually spent some time as a wife and mother. I somehow doubt "willing to change dirty diapers" and "willing to sit quietly while I stomp around because something trivial ticked me off" would have made it on the list, but I'd suggest both are important to the carnal attraction that I still feel for my beloved after forty years.</p> <p>ETA: I also think Suz is on to something with the Girlfriends Test. I know all of mine were quite vocal about my not messing things up when I started going with Mr. Gaylene. I still get offers from my friends(?) to take him off my hands </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dating-dilemma/page/2#post-1191775 Tue, 11 Mar 2014 18:03:41 +0000 elpgal 1191775@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>When you have felt the spark in the past, what has it entailed? Is this man lacking in those qualities? Or, when the spark has faded, what was personality aspect that was at play?</p> <p>I like the advice about having a date that is in a less static environment. Less operas and sit-down dinners. More hikes, drives and adventures! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dating-dilemma/page/2#post-1191719 Tue, 11 Mar 2014 16:48:01 +0000 rachylou 1191719@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Hmm, I don't know, crazyone. I don't know that the same advice can be applied equally to men and women. Men and women *are* different.</p> <p>Frankly, in my experience, men are a lot nicer than women about attractiveness. They'll call any girl a pretty girl, but women - no, very exacting and scientific. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dating-dilemma/page/2#post-1191707 Tue, 11 Mar 2014 16:35:51 +0000 lyn* 1191707@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I don't have much advice to give - but I sort of get the no-spark thing. I have a really good friend (going on year 7) and he has liked me for about 7 years and is a funny fellow, intellectual and very kind-hearted.&nbsp;</p> <p>However, he is definitely one of the Last Men on Earth types and my attraction to him is about 0%. I feel really bad about this (and still do) but there's not really much I can do about that.</p> <p>... actually, thinking about it, there's actually multiple ones of these friends in my life. I guess I only like a certain type of person, and that's that. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dating-dilemma/page/2#post-1191692 Tue, 11 Mar 2014 16:28:05 +0000 ironkurtin 1191692@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I still think Anna should give this a few more tries. Ditching him because "in a reverse situation a man would" -- well, sometimes men are really a-holes. That's not something to aspire to! Be honest, be nice, do unto others, be polite yet firm about how you feel and what you want.</p> <p>And I should add that no one thinks you don't have a social life, AG. But you have been sad in the past about not having a steady boy. You keep jackets in your closet a chance to grow on you before you ditch them. So it's not a terrible idea to do that here too. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dating-dilemma/page/2#post-1191593 Tue, 11 Mar 2014 14:51:17 +0000 texstyle 1191593@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I'd say if you are going to give it another shot then you need to treat him to a night out (and do NOT allow him to pay under any circumstance - if you have to, go to the host and give your credit card ahead of time). I say this for two reasons, one, because you don't want to feel obligated or to have him feel like he's been used, and two, because you want to see how he reacts to someone in control. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dating-dilemma/page/2#post-1191584 Tue, 11 Mar 2014 14:39:34 +0000 crazyone 1191584@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Viva, I'm glad to hear that. &nbsp;That said, that's not the vibe I get from our society at large, or even this thread (the stories were all about nice guys winning the hearts of reluctant ladies, as opposed to nice ladies winning the hearts of reluctant guys). &nbsp;</p> <p>I don't think "spark", especially the carnal sort, is that important at the beginning, but an increasing arrow of "interest" is. &nbsp;And that interest doesn't have to be of the carnal sort, but after you start dating someone, you should start caring more and more about them, bit by bit. &nbsp;Doesn't have to be a dramatic increase, even a small one will do. &nbsp;I'm not sure I sense that increase in interest from Anna, but I could be wrong. &nbsp;</p> <p>Suz: the "all my friends like him" is also a good test &nbsp;</p> <p> </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dating-dilemma/page/2#post-1191532 Tue, 11 Mar 2014 13:22:46 +0000 Suz 1191532@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Late to this discussion, but I am also Team Give It More Time.&nbsp;</p> <p>Especially if you can do as Mo suggests and be open with him (after a few more dates, if no spark appears.)&nbsp;</p> <p>One of my close friends had a history of really poor relationships with men - a combination of bad luck, less-than-ideal choices for a while --&nbsp;and slim pickings.&nbsp;</p> <p>Then she met M. M. was fantastic for her in every way. Shared interests, they had fun together, good conversation, he stretched her a bit, they complemented one another. She trusted him and relaxed with him. She could be herself.&nbsp;Tellingly, ALL HER GIRLFRIENDS LIKED HIM &nbsp;-- unlike most of the other jerks she had chosen in the past.&nbsp;</p> <p>But a month into dating she still didn't think she was all that "attracted" to him. So she wondered if she should break it off.&nbsp;</p> <p>Well...she didn't. They've been happily married now for almost twenty years. The spark grew, and grew. The marriage has not been without problems and conflict -- no marriage that long is. But "spark" is not the issue.&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dating-dilemma/page/2#post-1191465 Tue, 11 Mar 2014 11:33:47 +0000 viva 1191465@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Crazyone, if a guy friend of mine told me he had gone on a couple of dates with a woman who had similar (and somewhat esoteric) interests, and he had enjoyed himself, and she had clearly liked him .... and he had had bad experiences in the past but wasn't feeling anything for her at this point, I would DEFINITELY recommend he spend a little more time with her to see if his feelings changed. I would give him the exact same advice. (Same if we were dealing with two men or two women, in fact.)</p> <p>The problem is that we all -- as a culture -- expect everything to happen so quickly! BAM - I must know this is love or could be love within 2 hours! Sometimes it doesn't work that way. </p> <p>I'm not suggesting Anna settle. I just think it might be a wee bit early to pull the plug given what there is on the positive side of the scale. This leaves gender totally out of the equation, for me.</p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dating-dilemma/page/2#post-1191432 Tue, 11 Mar 2014 09:48:16 +0000 froggiebecky 1191432@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I'm single, but I tend to not look for a spark, because those relationships have always been disasters for me.&nbsp;</p> <p>Here's a question. You mention that you've got friends, you're not looking to add to that category. Does this guy remind you of any of your friends (male or female)? </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dating-dilemma/page/2#post-1191371 Tue, 11 Mar 2014 03:53:13 +0000 Ariadne 1191371@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Just throwing in another vote to go on a few more dates and see where things go. &nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dating-dilemma/page/2#post-1191307 Tue, 11 Mar 2014 02:49:46 +0000 Krista 1191307@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I am a big fan of the idea of "you know when you know." So if you don't know yet, then you'll know soon. It's okay to take time to figure it out.<br /> I think it's great that you're going away with a friend this weekend - maybe some distance from the situation will also provide an answer.</p> <p>And I also agree with what crazyone said. </p>