YouLookFab Forum » Topic: Dad argh

YouLookFab Forum » Topic: Dad argh https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dad-argh Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Wed, 22 Apr 2026 23:02:04 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 <![CDATA[Search]]> q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php bj1111 on "Dad argh" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dad-argh/page/2#post-1675076 Tue, 07 Jun 2016 20:47:07 +0000 bj1111 1675076@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I hear you about wanting to feel like you are "moving forward" especially with regard to an so...you've been doing all the right things by just being yourself and also putting yourself out there. Now Dad 's health issues complicate things. No more advice or words of wisdom. Acknowledging the complexity of the situation and your competing desires which are EQUALLY valid. SandyG on "Dad argh" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dad-argh/page/2#post-1673273 Sat, 04 Jun 2016 18:49:15 +0000 SandyG 1673273@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Anna, I forgot to tell you a cheerful experience you can share with your dad (on a good day). My theatre director worked into her 80s, vivid and vital and literally running circles around all of us. When her professor husband died, she sold the family home and bought into a senior living center, getting a small patio apartment and taking meals in the communal dining room. Within a couple of weeks she was all but running the place She started a theatre program, walking program and established a group for going out to plays. She joined the Master's swim program and started a tradition of daily swim at 4pm and mint tea at 5pm. For her it was a social place to be filled with new friends eager to join in, theatre beginners she could direct, a decent library, and lots of activity. If your father has a specialty he might find common ground, an outlet for his hobbies, or increased activity if he was willing to spread his wings a little. Bobbin knew a couple of people living there before she moved. Maybe you could meet someone in your visits who might chat with your dad sometime and share something in common. I wish Bobbin was still with us; she'd convince your dad in a heartbeat. Thinking of you ...  unfrumped on "Dad argh" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dad-argh/page/2#post-1673117 Sat, 04 Jun 2016 14:07:37 +0000 unfrumped 1673117@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Please take heart. Everyone has some kind of " issue" be it family or other. Any normal SO ( or SO Wannabe) most likely would have issues of his own and if decent, he will be striving just like you. I just have faith that God and the universe will bring the right people together! kkards on "Dad argh" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dad-argh/page/2#post-1673073 Sat, 04 Jun 2016 13:25:23 +0000 kkards 1673073@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ anna, is it possible to keep the house, for now, and having dad "temporarily move"? maybe thru a reverse mortgage, to help with the expense?  annagybe on "Dad argh" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dad-argh/page/2#post-1672851 Sat, 04 Jun 2016 00:36:42 +0000 annagybe 1672851@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ So today I called a retirement place in the city. It was recommended by a elder care advisor. They only give tours on weekdays at 10am & 1pm. So I guess us working slobs don't get a view. My work provides a few hours of consulting with an elder care nurse. I had a long phone conversation with her initially. I got an email from her with a list of recommended housing. Three places, All VERY expensive. Also I got some boilerplate stuff about establishing a primary care doctor here. I'm like no **** Sherlock. I was hoping for advice on how to get him out of his current house. ETA I think a huge part of my frustration is that I had a golden time from 2008-2014 ish where my life was good enough to find a SO. But my life is now on hold for X years. My family is very long lived. I know the future, the decline. But I also see those patients at work that have no family, where the hospital takes over decision making. I will not do that to my father. Suz on "Dad argh" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dad-argh/page/2#post-1672850 Sat, 04 Jun 2016 00:35:37 +0000 Suz 1672850@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Actually...yes. Reading Being Mortal was a turning point for me and my brother, too -- and allowed us to feel more accepting of our mother's choices while at the same time doing what Beth Ann said -- being aware that we are mortal, too, and need to recharge in the ways that give us health. Your father has the right to choose what he chooses, but if he makes those choices, you also have the right to your life. You need time and space to energize yourself and do the things that give you joy - hiking, opera, meals with friends, wine, fashion when you are up to that.  Janet on "Dad argh" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dad-argh/page/2#post-1672802 Fri, 03 Jun 2016 23:38:56 +0000 Janet 1672802@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I'm just seeing this now and have no helpful advice. However, I am sending lots of moral support. You are a terrific, caring, conscientious daughter (and health care provider!), and your dad is very lucky to have you caring for him. I hope you find solutions that help take some of the burden off of you and give your dad a healthy, safe place to live from here on out. Big hugs.  viva on "Dad argh" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dad-argh/page/2#post-1672666 Fri, 03 Jun 2016 21:32:03 +0000 viva 1672666@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Just wondering how you're doing, Anna. unfrumped on "Dad argh" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dad-argh/page/2#post-1672323 Fri, 03 Jun 2016 15:02:04 +0000 unfrumped 1672323@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Super empathy here. Went through something like this with both my parents, separately because they were divorced. One thing you are doing that may pay off is to keep researching options for where he might live if he did move closer, olus whatever you can learn about payer sources, discounts, community services and so on. That  has more to do with being just a little more prepared, though as already noted, with a lot of places there is a waiting list. Still, you might have some targets for, if he needed this, then that; but if this other, then that. And so on. I sympathize because many people are very naive about the cost and who pays. For example, some of our young residents will say about an older patient who lives alone, oh, she needs to move to assisted living--not realizing that it can cost $2-5k a month. Even worse for nursing home care--spend down issues, limits on Medicaid beds. They think everything is somehow magically paid for by insurance or government or whatever. And, the more services are  needed, the more expensive and vice versa. For example, if a parent can manage mostly alone but do better by being closer to family, then one is dealing with normal rental costs, maybe things like Meals on Wheels, and filling in as an adult child caregiver. Whereas if one needs supervised meds or other types of care, you are into regulated, specialized living centers. You  might see if he would tolerate someone checking in on him,  who would hence be a bell-weather for you, perhaps in the guise of light housekeeping, but that often does not work with the independent-paranoia situation. Each of my parents sent people away when I tried to  line something up! Gaylene on "Dad argh" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dad-argh/page/2#post-1671837 Thu, 02 Jun 2016 22:27:25 +0000 Gaylene 1671837@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Having gone through this process a couple of times, I second the suggestion to read "Being Mortal". It made me realize my own frustration, anxiety, and, yes, occasional resentment certainly didn't help the situation. I wished I'd been more empathetic about what my best-of-intentioned "solutions" actually meant to an elderly adult who was undergoing a very difficult transition stage. To be frank, the prospect my son might someday suggest I move into a community of elderly people, with pre-planned activities and social events and constant monitoring, fills me with horror. I'm slowly realizing the tremendous sacrifice my mother made when she acquiesced to my request she move into a small near-by apartment, and subsequently into an assisted living suite. Definitely made it easier physically and psychologically for me, but, I'm now thinking, maybe not for her... I'm sure some day, hopefully in the distant future, I'll see my son rummaging through my junk with an exasperated sigh and feel like digging in my heels. I hope I can forgive him for his rolled eyes, in return for his forgiveness for my longing to go back to a time when I could make my own choices and decisions. Life-altering changes are hard at any age, but, when you get old, you rarely get another chance if the new situation turns out to be a bad one. Beth Ann on "Dad argh" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dad-argh/page/2#post-1671811 Thu, 02 Jun 2016 21:59:19 +0000 Beth Ann 1671811@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Best wishes to you, Anna.  DH and I not there yet, but we're laying the groundwork with my folks, and good communications while everyone is still functioning well can only help later.  With my in-laws, we are not going to be so fortunate. It's OK sometimes to be a "good enough" mother.  It's gotta be OK to be a "good enough" daughter, too.  You don't know how long your Dad will need your assistance, so you're doing both of you a favor by taking some of your time off to recharge your own batteries --- hiking, going to the opera, taking photos. rabbit on "Dad argh" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dad-argh/page/2#post-1671704 Thu, 02 Jun 2016 19:01:56 +0000 rabbit 1671704@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Offering much sympathy.  My dad luckily saw reality and was able with the tremendous effort of family and friends to get my mom moved out of their house and into a small apartment near their grandkid.  They have enjoyed the lake and birds there a whole lot -- I think that nearby family, access to the outdoors and meeting neighbors walking has made the transition work so far even though it was really, really difficult during the process of shedding hoarded things and moving.    I think a big fear was that as things were let go of (including things like old never read newspapers and shopping lists from a decade ago) that memories and identity would go as well.  Family members could help with some parts -- I helped with clothes (thanks YLF!), but some really emotionally charged things like work papers we hired someone to help with since mom would just fight with us and needed someone who would follow her guidance and directions completely, even if to us it looked like super slow progress. With independent senior living it's sometimes hard to get in, my folks have been on the wait list for the great place my grandma lived and it takes years to move up it.   My dad and mom both want me to read the book 'Being Mortal' which I think is about quality of life versus extending life because they say it explains their POV. Also echoing what Joy said, :D, after my grandmother passed my grandfather met a new girlfriend in senior housing who was a lovely lady and great support for the rest of his life as he eventually moved into the completely assisted living wing there and had increased dementia.  kkards on "Dad argh" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dad-argh/page/2#post-1671357 Thu, 02 Jun 2016 10:53:04 +0000 kkards 1671357@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ anna, you've gotten tons of advice here already, so i'm not going to add anymore. i just want you to know that what ever you do, its ok. nothing you do is going to be perfect, and most likely will not make both of you happy, and that's ok as well…. Elle on "Dad argh" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dad-argh/page/2#post-1671279 Thu, 02 Jun 2016 05:38:15 +0000 Elle 1671279@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I'm so sorry.  I'm also dealing with an elderly parent who shouldn't be living at home (1800 miles from me).  As you know, it can be beyond stressful. to deal with the maddening inability to realize that they need help. Is it possible to hire a care manager?  I found one through a social service agency in my mom's town.  You pay by the hour - and they are trained to deal with elderly.  The service I found offers either a one time consultation to help you figure out all the possible living options/available services  or ongoing visits to pay bills, go with them to medical appointments etc. Even if there isn't one in your dad's town, it might be worth talking to one in Seattle.  Please take good care of yourself and let us know what happens.  Debbie on "Dad argh" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dad-argh/page/2#post-1671245 Thu, 02 Jun 2016 03:51:18 +0000 Debbie 1671245@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Oh Anna this is so hard and not having anyone to help you would be harder. Please take care of yourself. Call me anytime if you need to talk. Lots of hugs! Windchime on "Dad argh" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dad-argh/page/2#post-1671148 Thu, 02 Jun 2016 01:49:55 +0000 Windchime 1671148@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ You've received much wise advice, Anna. It's a very difficult situation, and unfortunately there is no correct or even optimal solution. Please try to find time and people who can help you meet your own needs, too. Anonymous on "Dad argh" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dad-argh/page/2#post-1671147 Thu, 02 Jun 2016 01:49:53 +0000 Anonymous 1671147@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Back too add another thought. Tell your dad that these places are full of single women who will dote on him. My dad was Valentine King and was forever holding some lady's hand. DonnaF on "Dad argh" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dad-argh/page/2#post-1671119 Thu, 02 Jun 2016 01:19:28 +0000 DonnaF 1671119@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I'm sorry, Anna.  They get so selfish and self-centered as they get older, and logic holds no sway.  My mother was like that and my MIL is getting that way.  They want what they want and can't grasp that it may no longer be wise. I moved my mom into a lovely senior housing place after a unit became available with all the things she wanted:  Morning sun, tree, view, second floor.  Less than four months later while I was out of town due to my brother-in-law's death, she gave notice.  And later moved back to her house without my assistance, aided by her paid and unpaid minions:  A house with stairs (and she'd fallen numerous times) and too big and complicated for her to manage.  When they are in that in-between stage and could fool a judge or others on a good day for a short period, they are such a danger to themselves.  My mom's big complaint about the senior housing?  It had too many Republicans!!!  Sheesh!  I'm a Democrat too, and more or less a Bernie supporter, but the community where she lived and wished to stay is pretty Republican, and she was too snobby to live closer to me where it leans heavily Democratic. My SIL got my mom one of those Life Alert thingies, but I told SIL that it was more for her and not my mom.   And true to form, my mom never used it.  Meals on Wheels found her (dead) on the floor in her bedroom with the house temperature close to 100 degrees because the furnace maintenance company to whom she paid a fortune over many years did not set up the new equipment properly and had the heater running with the a/c.  The Meals on Wheels food wasn't particularly tasty, but it meant that someone was checking in on my mom five days per week.  For her last few years, she'd stopped cooking but wouldn't admit it to herself.  (She made me buy ingredients but wouldn't let me throw away the spoiled stuff so I would pray that I could smuggle it out in some form.)  I wanted to get someone(s) to clean and cook for her, but no one would be good enough, be able to read her mind so as to know what to do, or speak English without an accent.  Sheesh! I feel for you.  I'm glad you reached out to us.  It is such a hard path; please take care of yourself.  I know you're not a parent, but I found this thread on another forum very helpful:  <a rel="nofollow">http://http//talk.collegeconfi.....ad-p1.html</a> Aida on "Dad argh" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dad-argh#post-1671088 Thu, 02 Jun 2016 00:22:27 +0000 Aida 1671088@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ No help here, just wanted to shoot over a big fat hug *HUG* Eliza on "Dad argh" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dad-argh#post-1671018 Wed, 01 Jun 2016 22:52:50 +0000 Eliza 1671018@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I am sorry for this, Anna. So much wisdom has been shared here. I am traveling the dementia road with my almost 92 year old father and it is not easy. I think the hardest part is the ambiguous time when you know their situation is not optimal, yet they almost make enough sense that you can't justify completely pulling the rug out from under them. Twelve years ago, due to my mother's deteriorating physical health, I was able to help my parents move to a comprehensive care facility near our home. It helped to move them first and then empty their former residence. If you can't convince him to move nearby, because you'd value his company, then you may be stuck until he has a wake up moment or crisis that pushes the PoA and health care proxy to the foreground. It helped when I told my folks that you can come now, when we have  a choice of facility, or wait for a crisis and take pot luck with empty beds. I listened to their fears and told them I wanted their feedback about how it was going when they did move. Elders always know what they are giving up and can rarely foresee exactly what they would be gaining with the right social and support environment.  Some places have a shorter term respite care option. Perhaps he would be willing to try that at some point. It likely helps a lot of people decide to stay. The social piece can be very compelling, as can the relief of not having to fly solo day to day.  With your medical connections, you are probably aware of local resources, including geriatric care managers familiar with options for seniors. They can be a good source of input and support around care planning and laying the groundwork for transitions. I used a care manager to vet the place I found. It looked good to me, but I wanted the opinion of someone who had experience with it, yet was not affiliated.    All the best. This can take a lot out of you. Though I have siblings, neither has assumed any responsibility for elder care, so I get how overwhelming it can be. My mantra is that the situation ultimately has to work for both parties. You count, too. MsMaven on "Dad argh" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dad-argh#post-1670991 Wed, 01 Jun 2016 22:13:11 +0000 MsMaven 1670991@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ You are in a tough situation, Anna. I am lucky to have siblings, and we all live within 300 miles of each other in California. We tried for years to talk my parents into selling their home and moving closer to us. We talked about having a guardian appointed for my stubborn Dad, but my sisters were not convinced it was time. One time when I was visiting my folks it dawned on me how difficult it would be for them to adjust to a new place. I needed a screwdriver and went right to the junk drawer and got what I needed. I wanted to check their medicines, which were in a cabinet over the sink where they'd been kept for almost sixty years. Where would the junk drawer be in a different place, and how would they know where a lifetime accumulation of stuff would go? I decided they were better off where they were for the time being,  At the end my folks lived in the same house for 62 of their 64 year marriage. It ended when my Dad fell and broke his hip. He spent a couple of months in rehabilitation. We boarded my Mom with him because her dementia was to the point where she couldn't be alone. We filled 17 trash bags with stuff to toss out and worked with my Dad to decide who got what of their furnishings. It broke my Dad's heart and he died a few months later. He was 91. Mom lived with my sister for three more years.  I don't know a better way. Where you are the only one and don't have a sibling to answer an emergency call it is a terrible burden. I feel for you and I do hope you can find someone who can help with his care. I investigated all the senior services for my folks but they refused them all, even Meals on Wheels. After giving much of their lives over to helping relatives and fellow church members, they wouldn't even let the church help them in return. We did have everything in place for their final years. I was the trustee and executor and had powers of attorney, but my Dad was in his late 80s before he let me sign on to their bank account. Everything went smoothly as far as the end of life issues, but there were many difficult times before we finally got to the point where I had to take over, and always with the support of family members.  Gail on "Dad argh" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dad-argh#post-1670846 Wed, 01 Jun 2016 18:56:56 +0000 Gail 1670846@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Anna so sorry to read this. It is a no win situation for you. It will take a crisis for something major to happen and your Father to either agree to something or be forced by circumstances in to some kind of action. My Father and Mother lived 3000 miles way and only when my Father became very ill was I able to force him to get help. Its such a shame as it really put a strain on our relationship and I regret things I said to this day :( Maneera on "Dad argh" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dad-argh#post-1670807 Wed, 01 Jun 2016 17:28:26 +0000 Maneera 1670807@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I'm so sorry to hear this, Anna. It sounds horrible. We went through something slightly similar 2 years back when my father in law suddenly passed away. My MIL doesn't have a good relationship with her older son, so that left just me & my husband. We tried everything - staying with her for long durations of time, bringing her here, letting her stay with her brothers & sisters for a bit while we took in her dog.....everything. Nothing worked. And when she was alone, she was a mess. She's severely depressed and very accident prone, so she'd fall and hurt herself very often. And for a whole year we were just doing to & fro (she also lives in another city that's a 6hr drive). She said she wants to live in that big house where she's spent more than last 40 yrs of her life. Finally, we convinced her to get someone to live with her. It's a big house, and we convinced her that if a couple stayed in a room at the back, she wouldn't really be alone. Now my FILs old driver and his wife stay in the house with her; she's known them for many years. She doesn't charge any rent because she wants them to feel 'at home' and in turn, the man sometimes drive her around and helps with groceries while the woman cleans the house etc. They've established some sort of a mutually beneficial relationship that's based on trust and somehow that's working. If your dad isn't opposed to the idea of getting someone to help, maybe you can convince him to get a housekeeper or nurse? Maybe someone just for half day to start with? It's just an idea..... Anonymous on "Dad argh" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dad-argh#post-1670741 Wed, 01 Jun 2016 16:00:12 +0000 Anonymous 1670741@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I've been thinking a lot about this since reading it last night.  My husb and I were primary sources of care and support for his mother, my mom, and his never-married aunt (no children  either) .  Despite having all three close by, the issues were not dissimilar to yours.  Towards the end of my mom's life (last summer) and for the better part of a year, I spent EVERY DAY doing something for her, taking her somewhere , or answering her phone calls.  Anyways - all I can think of is that these situations never really have a great solution and unfortunately it seems to take a sudden change in health or an incident of some sort to spur a change for them.  I did find that social services /social workers in hospitals (not sure what the situation is in your health care system) were pretty eagle-eyed with elderly patients . Once you were in a hospital for one thing or another, a social worker was also there to check out that person's living situation and support system before allowing them to go home. This was the case for all 3 of our family members. My mother had been trying for a few years to get into a care home, but had not made the move before she died. Once social services was involved, the game changed, and many decisions were made that your dad/my mom etc had to go along with - taking the guilt /indecision/non-cooperation on the part of our parent etc off your shoulders. I had friends suggesting I pay someone to take my mom to her myriad doctor appointments - or pay someone to do her grocery shopping .   I never got there - but lived with a fair bit of resentment toward my mom at times when I was trying to hang on to my career , do everything she needed done, and keep food in my own fridge.  I was a complete stressed out mess.  But then it was over.  I don't know what the answer is - unfortunately sometimes there is no answer.  The situation resolves itself - not always happily, but it does.  And - I did find out that there are far, far more people going through these situations with their parents that we know.  It seems to be part of being middle-aged  (well, I am , anyways).  Keep your perspective, rely on friends just to talk to, and know that you are all he has.  Although our experiences sucked years out of our personal lives, and cost a lot emotionally, financially and career-wise (for me) , I'm not sure I would have done anything differently . Anonymous on "Dad argh" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dad-argh#post-1670694 Wed, 01 Jun 2016 14:52:30 +0000 Anonymous 1670694@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Anna, there's excellent and wide spanning advice here, I'm seconding Ledonna and "Only you can decide what the correct course of action is for you and your dad. In this situation there is no right or wrong." Even though it's so common, it's very lonely to struggle with this kind of situation, finding balance for the person you love while also preserving yourself. I think this is one of those situations where it might help to have a very open mind about what your life is supposed to be about and how much it can be forced to follow any social norm formula. AviaMariah on "Dad argh" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dad-argh#post-1670693 Wed, 01 Jun 2016 14:51:15 +0000 AviaMariah 1670693@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ This is such a hard situation.  We are dealing with a similar one with DH's parents AND grandparents.  It's so hard when they just won't listen.  They're adults so you can't really do it for them yet you are starting to do things for them because you have no choice.  I do think there's a point where you have to set boundaries for yourself and say this is all I can give and still remain healthy.  But it's hard to know where to draw that line when someone's health and well being are on the line. Thirkellgirl on "Dad argh" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dad-argh#post-1670686 Wed, 01 Jun 2016 14:32:34 +0000 Thirkellgirl 1670686@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I'm so sorry. I basically spent a decade of my life caring (mostly from afar) for elderly parents and in-laws and neighbors, and it was hard and I'm glad it's over. My mother refused to move closer to me after my dad died, and I had to constantly go up to her in the mountains four hours away. I didn't work outside the home, and  I cannot imagine how incredibly stressful it would be if I did. You've got to get a grip on your dad somehow, sooner rather than later, because you know it's not going to get better. My mom dallied with the idea of my moving to a retirement community (instead of in the mountains alone, where the basement flooded during spring rains and she'd have to drag her trash cans to the end of the stone driveway) for nine years. NINE. We visited 22 retirement communities of all types and in four states. I was doing college visits with my daughter and retirement community visits with my mom. I flat-out told her "you can look all you want, but if it becomes a necessity for you to move, you're going to the perfectly nice place three miles from my house, not one of these places two hours away from me." It was easier dealing with her and her problems and declining health as an only child, though, based on what I've seen from friends who have siblings. My father in-law was in a terrible state and my husband couldn't get the siblings to agree on a reasonable course of action, so of course he stayed alone until he fell and broke a hip, and then he was in and out of hospitals and nursing facilities for months until he died. I entirely sympathize, and my only advice to you is to be pushy and use any leverage you have to get him close to you and in a facility where someone else can respond to emergencies. I will be praying for you. Diana on "Dad argh" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dad-argh#post-1670647 Wed, 01 Jun 2016 13:32:22 +0000 Diana 1670647@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Oh man, Anna. This is a tough situation. Parents can be so frustrating to deal with. I'm not sure you'll be able to get him to move until things deteriorate further, unfortunately. In the meantime, though, I think it might be a good idea to look into hiring a paid helper for Dad. My 90 yo grandma lives in an independent living senior community (where she has her own apt but there is 24/7 on call medical staff, lots of group activities, a dinner every night, etc). I do think the senior community is great if you can convince dad to go for something like it - in addition to the above she also has lots of friends there, and they check up on each other and visit with each other a lot, so it's a nice community. 4 of her kids and a bunch of adult grandchildren love within an hour of her, but she still has a paid helper who comes a couple of times a week to help with housework, drive her places, etc. I think she likes this arrangement because she always felt bad imposing on her family to do things like that. The helper, on the other hand, it's her job so grandma doesn't feel bad about it. viva on "Dad argh" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dad-argh#post-1670561 Wed, 01 Jun 2016 10:49:23 +0000 viva 1670561@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I'm so sorry, Anna. There is much I can relate to here -- my mother has dementia and my father is old and too smart for his own good. But I have sisters who help manage the load, so I cannot relate to your extreme situation. If I were you it would be hard to just leave Dad to his own and carry on with my life, especially if I worried about him all the time. I wish there were a way to get him to a smaller safer place so that you really could be freer of this stress. Are there any nonprofits that can help you manage these decisions? Gigi on "Dad argh" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/dad-argh#post-1670511 Wed, 01 Jun 2016 05:25:16 +0000 Gigi 1670511@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Anna, I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. How exhausting and frustrating for you. My mom's dad was in very ill health near the end of his life but refused to go into any kind of facility. He wasn't horribly far away from us (1.5 hours), but it was far enough that it wasn't practical for us to check on him often. Mom eventually paid a cousin of hers to visit her dad every day or two just to make sure that everything was OK, to help him with groceries, etc. I know you said that the rest of the family is in Australia, but there may be some kind of organization that you could pay (maybe not now but eventually) to check on your dad periodically. I understand how stressed you must be over this, but if your dad doesn't want help, he's going to resist your efforts and probably get irritated in the process, making things worse. I agree with others that as long as he is not a danger to himself or others at this point, it is probably best to let him be until the situation changes in some way that demands action. I hope that you can find a way to take some time off and get some R&R for yourself.