https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/cheesy-but-personal-question Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Wed, 22 Apr 2026 17:23:12 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/cheesy-but-personal-question/page/2#post-1708797 Fri, 05 Aug 2016 20:58:16 +0000 Ledonna N. 1708797@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Okay family I REALLY appreciate your feed back.&nbsp; An and all advise is welcome and we have some really great people here.&nbsp; </p> <p>Here is what I'm learning. </p> <p>I must be myself because that is what drew Tem to me and I him</p> <p>Tem is a selfless person and a giver/nurturer like I am only he is way better at it.&nbsp; </p> <p>Relationships are difficult specifically after you have been on your own for a while.</p> <p>It is great having alone time and together time.&nbsp; </p> <p>You wisdom as a collective is so very helpful.&nbsp; Thank you</p> <p>Honorable mention to Janet.&nbsp; I am soaking up these quotes.&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/cheesy-but-personal-question#post-1708520 Fri, 05 Aug 2016 14:18:42 +0000 Isabel 1708520@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>oooopppsss double post. Deleted </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/cheesy-but-personal-question#post-1708519 Fri, 05 Aug 2016 14:14:52 +0000 Isabel 1708519@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Ledona, I am also not an expert. I dont' think that anyone is or the divorce rate wouldn't be 50%. I believe, that to some degree, every relationship is a crapshoot to varying degrees. </p> <p>I don't think tha there is such a thing as grown up love. I believe in "mature" love and that can happen at any age. But it is hard to marry wisdom, practicality and intense emotion. And that is what mature love is, in my opinion. So I think that we must be sober enough to look for clues and know what are deal breakers. Having been through two bad and unhealthy relationships, you must have some idea of what is not tolerable to you. Remember those things. Remember that chasing rainbows is beautiful and that there will be times when neither one of you will feel up to chasing them....and that is ok. Remember that relationships are not 50/50 but rather two people who are willing to put in whatever it takes to get to 100. Maybe somedays, you can only do 20% and he will gladly do the 80% and vice versa. Remember that there are days that you may not want the burden of the responsibility of togetherness but that it will pass and that comittment underlies it. If none of this is true, then maybe it is not a good relationship. And remember that we , as humans, say and do things out of anger. But it if it is done to hurt or manipulate or make you feel small and you get blamed, then it is not a mature, pragmatic relationship. Don't give up what you love doing or being. In the meantime, keep chasing rainbows!!!!!! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/cheesy-but-personal-question#post-1707648 Wed, 03 Aug 2016 16:51:26 +0000 Janet 1707648@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Great wisdom in this thread. I agree with BrieN.&nbsp;</p> <p>Hubs and I have been together for almost 19 years, married for 13. We were not very young when we met -- he was twice divorced, I had never married or even been in a relationship of longer than two years. Both of us were in our early 30s. He had two young sons.&nbsp;</p> <p>We took it slow. We didn't rush anything (obviously, since it took us 6 years to get around to marrying ;-)). We talked about Rilke on the night we met, and the following quotes were -- and are -- still very meaningful to us. Maybe they will be helpful to you. I wish you all the best! You deserve a wonderful partner who makes you happy!&nbsp;</p> <p>“The point of marriage is not to create a quick commonality by tearing down all boundaries; on the contrary, a good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of his solitude, and thus they show each other the greatest possible trust. A merging of two people is an impossibility, and where it seems to exist, it is a hemming-in, a mutual consent that robs one party or both parties of their fullest freedom and development. But once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distances exist, a marvelous living side-by-side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them, which gives them the possibility of always seeing each other as a whole and before an immense sky.” </p> <p>“Love consists of this: two solitudes that meet, protect and greet each other. ”</p> <p>“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”</p> <p>“We need, in love, to practice only this: letting each other go. For holding on comes easily; we do not need to learn it.”</p> <p>“Therefore, dear Sir, love your solitude and try to sing out with the pain it causes you. For those who are near you are far away... and this shows that the space around you is beginning to grow vast.... be happy about your growth, in which of course you can't take anyone with you, and be gentle with those who stay behind; be confident and calm in front of them and don't torment them with your doubts and don't frighten them with your faith or joy, which they wouldn't be able to comprehend. Seek out some simple and true feeling of what you have in common with them, which doesn't necessarily have to alter when you yourself change again and again; when you see them, love life in a form that is not your own and be indulgent toward those who are growing old, who are afraid of the aloneness that you trust.... and don't expect any understanding; but believe in a love that is being stored up for you like an inheritance, and have faith that in this love there is a strength and a blessing so large that you can travel as far as you wish without having to step outside it.” </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/cheesy-but-personal-question#post-1707059 Tue, 02 Aug 2016 18:09:42 +0000 Amy 1707059@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Ledonna, I'm glad you asked this question. I was married for 15 years...and sadly don't know the answer to this at all. Reading other people's perspectives is helpful. I'm glad you're having lots of fun with your new fellow :)</p> <p> </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/cheesy-but-personal-question#post-1702801 Tue, 26 Jul 2016 17:16:04 +0000 Ledonna N. 1702801@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Thanks family ya'll are good. I feel so different being in my 40s than how that young love is. It is quite intresting how age,maturity,discernment and just life can male you look at situations very diffently Ms. Mary your words resonate within my soul. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/cheesy-but-personal-question#post-1702202 Mon, 25 Jul 2016 21:21:50 +0000 viva 1702202@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I love MsMary's "must be kind" requirement -- it's what drew me to DH 27 years ago, and we're still ticking (even though we are in many ways quite opposite!). Here's my little tidbit: I do not think it's possible to find every single thing in one person, although in the early romantic days and months it feels like you have. When you start realizing that he isn't perfect in every way, and you know you cannot change him yet you still have deep feelings for him, then it's beginning to look like adult love. It can take a while to get to that point, but what I've learned over time is that love is REAL -- that is, it's about a connection with a REAL PERSON, whom you see with your eyes open, and who sees you the same way.</p> <p>I'm thrilled you're having such fun with such a warm and caring man. I hope it continues. xx </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/cheesy-but-personal-question#post-1702121 Mon, 25 Jul 2016 19:50:30 +0000 MsMary 1702121@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>You know it's grown up love over time. Lovely Fiance and I started out very slow but it was really worth waiting for. I agree with JAileen -- my number one requirement was "must be kind." Followed by "makes things happen."</p> <p>I also agree wholeheartedly with BrieN. In the early days it's all fun and fantasy, and that's as it should be. I knew Lovely Fiance was The One about 7-8 months into dating, when my parents had a catastrophic health emergency and I had to get them moved out of their home and into assisted living in a hurry. He was a saint -- cooked me dinners late when I'd been running around all day, sat in the emergency room with my mom and me, and minded his own business unless asked for his opinion. He totally had my back and I know he always will. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/cheesy-but-personal-question#post-1701835 Mon, 25 Jul 2016 12:19:31 +0000 Ledonna N. 1701835@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>So much wisdom from everyone. I guess some things are more difficult to answer than others. But you all have been insightful two Many questions that I have. He has one daughter and 14 and she is amazing my family has not met him yet I wanted to be a slow introduction because my family crazy. I don't want it to be a special occasion maybe next Sunday or maybe something that just happen but I'd like to get them together his daughter my niece sometime nothing fancy just maybe a movie or something I don't know. Thank you all very much for your honest and open responses that gives me a lot of things that you on a lot of things to reflect on. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/cheesy-but-personal-question#post-1701772 Mon, 25 Jul 2016 07:05:52 +0000 JAileen 1701772@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>So much good advice already.</p> <p>Go slow. If it's right, this won't be an issue. How does he treat people that are of no consequence to him. That can be very telling. How does he treat his mother? Is he respectful of her? Is he independent or a mama's boy? What does he say about women in general? Is he an adult? I've worked with some guys that never seemed to have grown up, and still acted like they were in high school or college. They way they talked about their wives was disgusting. I can't believe any woman with any self respect would have anything to do with them.</p> <p>To summarize: A good person. Treats people, including women, with respect. No substance abuse issues. </p> <p>My husband and I have been married for 35 years. He's a very good person. I'm very lucky! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/cheesy-but-personal-question#post-1701598 Mon, 25 Jul 2016 01:12:46 +0000 Staysfit 1701598@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Lots of good advice here Ledonna. I would say the keys to my 28 years of marriage so far have been clear and honest communication, shared values and goals, stewardship of tasks, trust, respect, compassion, and organization so we can find some time for fun. Relationships take constant attention, nurturing and work. I believe its important to keep feeding a relationship. For that each person needs their individual interests, hobbies, and even friends, independent of the other from which to draw and enrich what they bring to each other. I really like what Joy says and couldn't agree more. </p> <p>My DH and I met and married when we were very young, we were 19 when we met. Brains continue to develop until people are 25 so we literally grew together in our relationship. At least I like to think of it that way. We consider ourselves lucky. Having a shared story with someone is also nice. I look at people I know who had the most successful relationships and the best example I can think of are my Aunt who just died today and my uncle who died last year. They were married for over 50 years. They shared humor and stories. Does he make you laugh? Right up until the day my uncle died, he and my aunt were telling their funny stories together. They were always laughing. I loved that about both of them. </p> <p>Good luck lovely Ledonna! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/cheesy-but-personal-question#post-1701178 Sun, 24 Jul 2016 09:55:11 +0000 Summer 1701178@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>You've had excellent advice from others here.&nbsp; I'd just add that it takes time to get get to know someone really well, so please take your time and make sure that you are totally comfortable with each other before committing.&nbsp; Mutual respect and shared values would be my watchwords, plus an ability to discuss absolutely any topic openly and amicably.&nbsp; Above all, listen closely to your intuition and be led by it.</p> <p>Wishing you every happiness, Ledonna.&nbsp; You deserve it after the hurt you've experienced in the past. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/cheesy-but-personal-question#post-1701096 Sun, 24 Jul 2016 03:43:55 +0000 Anonymous 1701096@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>You don't want anyone who will try to isolate you from your family and friends. What does your family think of him? Especially your neice. What does he think of them? Is he a responsible adult, paying his bills, no addictions, no spending on what he can't afford or lots of expensive hobby stuff. Can he be a best friend to you? Does he deal with problems as they come up? Any mental illness? The answers to questions like these can eventually affect a relationship. Married 46 years to the same guy, a real gem. Pray about what to do. Pay attention to the answer. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/cheesy-but-personal-question#post-1701053 Sun, 24 Jul 2016 03:02:26 +0000 Suz 1701053@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>So much wisdom here. I can't do better than what Angela just said. Or several others, above.&nbsp;</p> <p>The only thing I would like to add to what has already been said: If you find someone who can tell you hard truths about yourself in a way that doesn't devastate you, but makes you think, and grow, and if that person is also able to listen and take in and grow and change when you have hard truths to convey; and if you can laugh with this person, too -- you have something rare.&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/cheesy-but-personal-question#post-1700997 Sun, 24 Jul 2016 01:38:51 +0000 Angela K 1700997@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Just two words. Trust and respect. Both are earned and take time. But when you have both of these in a relationship they are the foundation on which love grows. Romantic, heart pounding sweaty palm loves fades (thankfully!) but true love and companionship grows and deepens like the roots of a beautiful old tree. Wishing you the best on is wonderful journey. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/cheesy-but-personal-question#post-1700744 Sat, 23 Jul 2016 18:34:16 +0000 BrieN 1700744@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>nodding to all of this wisdom.</p> <p>You know it's grownup love when reality takes a seat. When you're in the middle of a stressful rough patch -- health, finances, trouble with kids (or God forbid all three at once) -- and you still manage to turn toward each other for support, and get that support. We ask "who would you want to be in the trenches with?" when we talk with our kids about this topic. It's easy to be with someone when you're making decisions about where to go to dinner and what vacation to take. &nbsp;When the car breaks down as your driving home from Chemo...that's the real deal. I guess that sounds dramatic. But you think about all the things that can happen during the course of a relationship..</p> <p>The flip side is whether that person will support you when you take a risk or want to do something for yourself. That can be telling, too.&nbsp;</p> <p>I would contend that your relationship is too new to know how it will grow. That's neither good nor bad. It just is. Enjoy it. Know that he's able to be fun and lighthearted, and that's good.&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/cheesy-but-personal-question#post-1700733 Sat, 23 Jul 2016 18:20:45 +0000 rachylou 1700733@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I just thought to add something: so me and my friend both had parents with terrible relationships and rock solid marriages that proved to be the romances of a lifetime. Both our parents were married until death do us part. </p> <p>The something I wanted to add was that in our world a relationship, a marriage, is bigger than you. Commitment and conviction to the relationship outside of your relating ability - well, a relationship is different from relating. </p> <p>We made this observation as children and we agree upon it as adults in our own little friendship. We have been friends forever but we have had our strife about what we should have done for one another as friends. We are not necessarily thrilled with each other's company, lol; we don't provide each other with entertainment. But we have persisted nonetheless. We have been in this life together. 40 years of BFF-ness. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/cheesy-but-personal-question#post-1700722 Sat, 23 Jul 2016 17:59:10 +0000 Jane 1700722@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>How about a few lines from poetry -&nbsp;</p> <p>Moment</p> <p>Clear moments are so short.&nbsp;<br />There is much more darkness. More<br />ocean than firm land. More&nbsp;<br />shadow than form.</p> <p>Adam Zagajewski</p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/cheesy-but-personal-question#post-1700700 Sat, 23 Jul 2016 17:23:45 +0000 rabbit 1700700@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Like Tracy we've been together about the same amount of time, and were young when we became a couple so have grown up together. &nbsp;So I don't know, it's still and always, a learning process. &nbsp;Although I agree strongly with Jane's 'loyalty, kindness, understanding, generosity '. &nbsp;</p> <p>I feel like a partnership is about equality and fairness, and holding that in balance for yourself, and for the other person, and being kind and understanding in holding on through the patches where it tilts, because you don't want either of you to fall off the ride. &nbsp;Sometimes holding on is giving the other person lots of space, but in a way that signals that you are still around, still there. Like you need to keep your best self, and their best self in mind and heart, but also accept and work with (and draw fair boundaries) with both of your not-at-best selves.</p> <p>But I agree with what others have said that both of you have to want that together, and it is scary, at first, it just is, so going slow makes sense. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/cheesy-but-personal-question#post-1700688 Sat, 23 Jul 2016 16:58:33 +0000 Anonymous 1700688@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Your post made me get Tina Turner's "What's Love Got To Do With It?" stuck in my head.&nbsp; A little bit cynical, yes, but a good reminder that along with the thrill of new love is the possibility of getting hurt.&nbsp; Gotta be smart and strong!&nbsp; And you're both of these, Ledonna. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/cheesy-but-personal-question#post-1700656 Sat, 23 Jul 2016 15:42:01 +0000 Traci 1700656@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I hope you don't find it discouraging if I say after 20 years of marriage and 26 years together, I still don't know. Maybe it's because we weren't adults when we started, so that tints everything.</p> <p>I wish you the best, and I feel confident you won't lose yourself. Often with those types of things just having awareness keeps the problem at bay. You're aware, you're watching yourself, you'll be fine.</p> <p>Is it possible that ex-friend of yours is taking up space in your head? This rings of her criticisms. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/cheesy-but-personal-question#post-1700648 Sat, 23 Jul 2016 15:32:41 +0000 Ledonna N. 1700648@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>All words of wisdom and thoughtfulness.</p> <p>O. I could take this list and use it. It speakers to my analytical side.</p> <p>Rachylou I'm as far from conventional and I love that you have taken that kind of path. You journey speakers to me. I take care of my youngest neice so I'm a mom in a kind of a special way.</p> <p>Jane 18 years is a lifetime for me. I love that he allows you to be yourself that is how I feel about my Tem.</p> <p>Diane G. I could see that we have or I feels as if I could trust him with the whole of who I am and that is what so scary. I've give trust before and it is such a precious thing. We have so much in common lol </p> <p>Xtababy thank you we do have growing talk and I think that is what I like the most. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/cheesy-but-personal-question#post-1700647 Sat, 23 Jul 2016 15:32:01 +0000 Anonymous 1700647@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Doing a lot of talking, asking a lot of questions, discussing values and preferred lifestyle, religion, etc. Make sure you're compatible and on the same page. Above all, make sure it's love and not just attraction. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/cheesy-but-personal-question#post-1700611 Sat, 23 Jul 2016 14:24:57 +0000 Anonymous 1700611@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>It is scary opening your heart to someone else, and I think it's pretty normal to feel that way at the beginning of a relationship.&nbsp; Just go at a pace you feel comfortable with, and talk a LOT.&nbsp; Let him know what you need, and see how he responds.&nbsp; Grown-up love is all about communication, respect, and giving each other room to be individuals. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/cheesy-but-personal-question#post-1700523 Sat, 23 Jul 2016 10:50:16 +0000 Anonymous 1700523@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I agree with a lot of what Jane said. There needs to be a kind of unspoken feeling of support, which should cut both ways.</p> <p>I remember something that DH said to me once and it was that he found it 'easy' to be with me. I considered it a great compliment. You should not feel like your are having to try. Trust, kindness loyalty...should all feel evident.</p> <p>On&nbsp;another&nbsp;note, I think&nbsp;it's important to have similar tastes, thoughts, ideas, goals etc. I know some say opposites attract, but I've never been a great believer in that myself. I think in the long run it could lead to differences of opinion that may not be reconcilable.</p> </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/cheesy-but-personal-question#post-1700510 Sat, 23 Jul 2016 10:05:16 +0000 Jane 1700510@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Not cheesy at all. I honestly don't know though! I'm a really practical person and I think I in love with my DH because he lets me be me. 18 Years later, he still gives me space to be me. I'm so grateful for this and whilst there are definitely moments / days when the grass looks greener, I know that I value this. I had a very tough but loving father, who I adored but boy was he tough! My DH isn't tough on me but does expect a lot, mostly that I should be true to myself. For my part, I know that DH values me for the discipline and straightforward ness that I bring. We lead a relatively simple life, both share a similar work ethic. DH also appreciates my creativity and has found his artistic side. We have had our tough times, and I know that at the moment I'm leaning on DH for domestic support, because of my studies and work. But he has more time to devote to rugby, his passion! </p> <p>So, it's hard to define, but on reflection it feels like it shifts and changes. </p> <p>Underpinning a lot of the above is enormous loyalty to each other on both our parts. </p> <p>If you are practical, don't ignore the romantic elements but may be look at the constituent parts - loyalty, kindness, understanding, generosity </p> <p>I hope that helps. Big hug, </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/cheesy-but-personal-question#post-1700498 Sat, 23 Jul 2016 09:00:33 +0000 rachylou 1700498@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I once asked a friend, who has the most solid marriage, what she thought the key was. Her answer was confidence.</p> <p>I believe her 100%. But I also think it's an answer that requires study. Because for one thing, she doesn't exude a lot of confidence and that's caused her trouble in her professional life. What I think is, she wanted to be a mother and she wanted to be married to do it, and there was no give anywhere about this subject. I don't know how to convey this properly. Like when she was dating her husband - well, me and a friend of his would laugh because she was just like 'what are the barriers to marriage?' and 'when would be good to get married?' She was just never about anything else. This man would either hop on the train or not, but it was leaving the station. There was a hard line there and 'no relating nonsense.' Lol.</p> <p>What I think this means is: You must you want like that, and want something specific; and the other person has to want it too. And that 'something' automatically is a solid core.</p> <p>I kinda feel this answers the question of why I never married. I can't focus like that. I got a child without ever being pregnant or contacting an adoption agency, and skipped Go. And no one I like is ever gonna agree with my ideas about marriage and relationships - I'm afraid they're as impersonal as my friend's, lol. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/cheesy-but-personal-question#post-1700488 Sat, 23 Jul 2016 07:38:51 +0000 Ornella 1700488@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Giving advice in these matters is not my forte, but since you asked here are some questions that came up in similar conversation I had with a good friend:<br />How much do you love yourself?<br />Are you able to live fulfilled life without romantic relationship, or you need it to feel complete, whole and realised as a person?<br />Have you done some soul-searching and analysis why those unhealthy relationships were such, have you learnt enough from them at least not to try and ignore this things that probably did ring some alarm bells well ahead the actual breakups?<br />How much do you feel like yourself around this person?<br />Dos this person fit in the life you've built for yourself, and do inevitable compromises we must make to be with someone in any way harm your integrity and values?</p> <p>I hope being honest to yourself about of some of these may help a bit, but deep down love is always about risk and putting yourself out here and just going for it for the right reasons, which means knowing and loving ourselves first. Then it's easier to spot what feels right. Good luck. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/cheesy-but-personal-question#post-1700445 Sat, 23 Jul 2016 04:56:48 +0000 Ledonna N. 1700445@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Thanks Deb I do also. I was happily trucking along for the past couple of years by myself then wham out of nowhere. I am so like when did that happen. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/cheesy-but-personal-question#post-1700441 Sat, 23 Jul 2016 04:50:21 +0000 deb 1700441@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Ledonna, I wish I knew. I really stink at relationships. </p>