https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/asking-someone-if-they%e2%80%99re-pregnant Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Sun, 10 May 2026 01:56:14 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/asking-someone-if-they%e2%80%99re-pregnant/page/3#post-74999 Fri, 26 Jun 2009 02:30:45 +0000 Ellen 74999@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I haven't had time to read all the posts, but basically - amen! I'm almost 5 months pregnant with my second, and I am still amazed at how pregnancy is viewed by many people to be public property. The comments, questions, advice, and physical contact are utterly inappropriate and I find them infuriating. Since when do you ask people those kinds of questions?</p> <p>Same deal for asking someone if they are pregnant. WHY? If they are, it's none of your business. If they are not, you're likely going to insult or hurt them. It's awful. </p> <p>Personally, I think our cultural affinity for learning every scrap of news about celebrities' personal lives has generated an overall lack of knowledge about what is personal information and what is not. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/asking-someone-if-they%e2%80%99re-pregnant/page/3#post-74991 Fri, 26 Jun 2009 00:49:44 +0000 Anonymous 74991@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Wow - such a deep and refreshingly honest thread! It is a pleasure to get to know everyone you in such an honest and supportive environment.</p> <p>My husband and I haven't decided about children either - we both want kids in some ways, but we are also very comfortable with "just us." My husband is 9 years older than me and in some ways I feel he wants kids sooner than I might so he can "keep up" with them. My MIL was also mentioning kids in what she thought was a light-hearted way, but it got to a point where I finally told her she was allowed to make one grandchild reference per visit. That seemed to make my point heard. </p> <p>A few of the students (female Resident Assistants) I work with at the university really want big families when they get married - they are ALWAYS making pregnant jokes towards me (oh, you feel sick? you must be pregnant!) or asking when I'll have kids - at first I felt a bit defensive, but as the relationships grew I knew they weren't meaning harm. However, when some of the women in their communities started having pregnancy scares the joking stopped - it was too scary a thing to make light of anymore. Now the jests are only made in private - it's nice for me to have seen how they've learned how comments can affect someone.</p> <p>Maya. I was the same way as a child - and I completely forgot about Popples until you mentioned it! I had one too and loved it; I wonder if my mother still has it? </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/asking-someone-if-they%e2%80%99re-pregnant/page/3#post-74979 Thu, 25 Jun 2009 23:43:30 +0000 Maya 74979@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>This thread HAS exploded. I felt completely comfortable stating my preferences here. I know you ladies are not a judgmental bunch and I also know how supportive, openminded, and warm everyone is.</p> <p>I do not really talk about my child-having preferences with people--not out of shame or fear or judgment or anything like that--just because I don't think it's anyone else's business. But all my friends are aware of my thoughts, and I consider the YLF community to be friends. Kristen and Michelle, I'm glad to see both of you leading your lives happily and with fulfillment. Same with you Angie, even if this may not have initially been a choice for you. </p> <p>My aunt never married or had kids, and she lives in India, so this is quite a curious phenomenon and she has taken more than her share of flack for it. But, on the flip side, she has traveled all over the world and she gets the benefit of spoiling her nieces and nephews without having to deal with all the disciplining :). Kristen, I know you know this, but you shouldn't feel guilty. Even if you had kids and didn't "waste" your fertility, it won't change the fate of those women who have fertility issues. I'm sure no woman would want you to have kids against your will just because they can't! </p> <p>As for me, well, as far back as I can remember, I never had ANY maternal instinct at all. Even as a kid, when all the other girls would play with baby dolls and play the role of mommy, I preferred to play with my little ponies, stuffed animals, and Popples (the 80's was a GREAT time to be a kid and had some of the best toys and cartoons ever!). If I played with dolls, I related to them as a sister rather than mother...and they were always older sisters, not younger! I really wanted an older sister back then. Anyway, it's amazing for me to think about how my toy preferences as a kid carried into my adulthood. I guess it's not true that I have no maternal instinct--I absolutely consider myself Lucie's mommy :)</p> <p>Laura, I agree about the "who will take care of you when you're old" thing. Same with the family name and legacy and what have you. While I try not to be judgmental (and fail with stunning regularity), there are definitely a lot of BAD reasons to have children, and those are two of them. </p> <p>Thanks to everyone for your supportive words! I had no doubt I wouldn't regret coming out of my childfree closet </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/asking-someone-if-they%e2%80%99re-pregnant/page/3#post-74975 Thu, 25 Jun 2009 23:01:18 +0000 Angie 74975@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Wow. This thread has exploded. </p> <p>There is solace in sharing and I’m chuffed that you’ve felt comfortable sharing your challenges and questions with each other. I think it has helped some of you to be heard. A big thank you from me for your personalized hugs and support my YLF children :0)</p> <p>April, that’s one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. I’m taken aback. You also had me laughing about your larger cherub. More of him to love! </p> <p>Shana and Kris, big hugs for you. Loss is always hard. I can empathize. </p> <p>Patience, there is no doubt in my mind that you should leave things be. People are happy about your pregnancy and I’m sure that will shine through. No one will think you are uncaring for NOT recognizing someone else’s miscarriage. But if they themselves bring up the subject, you can just be your wonderful empathetic self! </p> <p>Maya, Michelle, Ele and Sarah, you have to do what’s in your heart. I could have kept on trying to have a baby. But I have lost the desire, and when there is no desire, it’s not worth it. Life can be simple if you want it to be. The hard part is dealing with the judgments of other people – but there are ways to get around that too. Unfortunately, I can be judgmental and I get so angry with myself for being like that. It's a flaw that I try to work on daily. </p> <p>Bri, I love your openness. I too am VERY open about my inability to have a baby, despite the fact that I am a private person. I don’t like to dilly dally about, and prefer to cut to the chase, so like I said at the start of this thread, I virtually volunteer the information to prevent people’s minds from wandering unnecessarily. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/asking-someone-if-they%e2%80%99re-pregnant/page/3#post-74933 Thu, 25 Jun 2009 19:43:15 +0000 Ariadne 74933@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Angie, Chris, Khris, Shana, and everyone else here who's experienced miscarriages and/or fertility struggles--huge hugs to you! </p> <p>I've always made a point of being very open about Mike's and my fertility and adoption journey. Everyone knows about it and I'm willing to be very detailed in discussing it. I don't think the weird taboo and veil of secrecy surrounding fertility issues and miscarriage are healthy for women or for society. If you prefer to be private about it, then I think that's totally fine, but there should be no stigma about these things. I think the only reason there is is because of a sublte lingering sense that women's bodies are bad or dirty. </p> <p>I've never been pregnant but I went through all the basic testing (up to getting a hysterosalpingogram but not any invasive testing that required sedation) and so did Mike, and the doctors don't know why we can't conceive. That's the case with 20% of infertile people, actually. We chose not to do any fertility treatment beyond a couple of months of Clomid and chose newborn adoption instead. We'd always wanted to adopt anyway--we had figured we'd adopt at least 2 slightly older kids and have at least one baby biologically, more to experience the newborn phase and because newborn adoption is so ethically fraught and uncommon than because we had any particular need to have a biological child. We were actually doing the extensive training to adopt from foster care (we were thinking a young sibling group) when we found out we had a 1% chance of getting pregnant. That's when we switched to domestic newborn adoption and that's the route that led us to the Chickadee. We still plan to adopt from foster care in the future, and/or maybe Haiti or Guatemala if those countries open up again. </p> <p>People always assume we only chose adoption because of our infertility. That's why we chose NEWBORN adoption (which can only be done domestically) this time around, but not why we chose adoption as a way to build our family. The thing that really bugs me is how so many people feel the need to tell us about their friend's cousin's neighbor who adopted "and then got pregnant right away!" As if that's why we adopted the Chickadee--as some kind of twisted way of conceiving a baby who's "really our own"! Never mind that the stats for people conceiving after adopting are actually very low. </p> <p>Anyway, I'm rambling, but I'm all for openness around these things! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/asking-someone-if-they%e2%80%99re-pregnant/page/3#post-74929 Thu, 25 Jun 2009 19:23:20 +0000 HannahC 74929@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Patience, I would actually go as far as saying not to bring up the issue at all, not even as a friendly overture (which is, let's face it, just a nice invitation to talk about the pregnancy, if the person wishes). I would prefer to ignore the elephant in the room. I know that after that miscarriage I didn't want to talk about my pregnancy at all, with anybody (actually, I distinctly remember that I didn't want to live, but this is another issue). </p> <p>But then, as Shana says, once you start talking about the miscarriage, you discover that it happened to so many other women, and this helps to somewhat lessen the pain. At this point I remember being angry with my doctor about not even alerting me to this possibility. </p> <p>So, the bottom line is that I don't know ... it sure helps to be a person who is willing to be open about things. But as for asking the questions, even in disguise ... it is hard - can turn out either way.</p> <p>Michelle, thanks for sharing, and thanks for being so brave and open. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/asking-someone-if-they%e2%80%99re-pregnant/page/3#post-74923 Thu, 25 Jun 2009 18:45:19 +0000 shana 74923@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Khris - my story was similar to yours (it must have been overlooked on page 1 of this thread). I went through YEARS of infertility before I was finally pregnant so of course I told everyone on the planet because I was so happy. The "untelling" after I found out that I miscarried was the worst. When I got pregnant again, I didn't tell anyone until I was about 5-6 months along (including my own parents)! And even then, for some reason, I was afraid to tell people so I hardly ever volunteered the information.</p> <p>Patience, I cannot speak for others but talking about the miscarriage while the wound was still raw was very painful for me. I would have preferred not to be asked at all. I second Chris's recommendation in terms of making some kind of friendly overture without expressly mentioning pregnancy. </p> <p>After some time, I was more open about the experience because I remember at the time feeling like the only person on the planet to whom something like this had happened. Once I started telling people, I was shocked how many others had experienced miscarriages and/or infertility as well. I hope that I could help others by being open about this experience - at least ease some of the hopelessness and isolation a little. </p> <p>Whether or not to have children is a personal lifestyle decision and I definitely follow the modified golden rule - don't judge me and I won't judge you! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/asking-someone-if-they%e2%80%99re-pregnant/page/3#post-74900 Thu, 25 Jun 2009 16:57:02 +0000 Sarah 74900@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Thank you for sharing, Michelle. My husband and I are not decided on children at the moment. We've considered everything from none to adopting. There is a chance my husband is a carrier of a fairly rare/new disease and we want to be fairly sure whether or not he has it before we make any decisions. We love kids and for now, I could see us happy with or without. We have our hands very full with furbabies at present, and couldn't possibly add another family member to the mix just yet anyway. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/asking-someone-if-they%e2%80%99re-pregnant/page/2#post-74894 Thu, 25 Jun 2009 16:50:45 +0000 Patience 74894@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Thank you, Chris. Putting myself in that position, I also would not want to revisit the pain, and you make a good point point about saying something caring but not directly related to the subject. Big big hugs and peace for you, Angie and everyone else. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/asking-someone-if-they%e2%80%99re-pregnant/page/2#post-74893 Thu, 25 Jun 2009 16:50:09 +0000 anne 74893@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I have to confess that I have occasionally asked someone that question - but only when they looked at least 7 months - if I have any hesitation I would never ask - and no-one has ever said no.<br /> And apparently someone asked me just last week if I was pregnant. I was at that point quite preoccupied by a sick child and didn't realize at all until he apologized for asking a few days later! (His wife told him I just had bad posture -sadly this is true)</p> <p>As for people who you know are "trying", I follow the same policy as with unemployed friends (formulated in the dark mid 90's when graduate unemployment, as now I presume, was high) i. e. Don't ask, wait to be told because the asking will only add to the hurt if the answer is negative whereas the telling (once they do have a job/ get pregnant) will be something they will be happy to tell you (when ready to).</p> <p>We lived in Japan when first married and were constantly being asked if I was pregnant! I kind of surmised that people there didn't get married until they were wanting to have kids and wasn't too bothered by it, although I would have been if I actually was pregnant, and just not willing to tell people yet (I have waited the 11-12 weeks in all my pregnancies, only excepting family and possibly one or two friends. It took me a while to get over the shock, even though they were wanted and even on the third).<br /> BTW while I wasn't hurt by people in Japan asking about pregnancy, I was a bit hurt when I had lost weight and they said I was "fat" before! (No more than 2 pounds more than my current weight). I guess it was their limited English, but still.</p> <p>What I have found embarrassing, is when Person A makes an assumption that Person B is pregnant, and tells me that they are,and I then congratulate Person A, and am wrong. Only happened once, but made me doubly cautious.</p> <p>Also embarrassing when one's 4 year old offspring (just after I had a baby) asked another lady if she had a baby in her tummy!</p> <p>Patience, I have been in that situation too and I will be interested in reading people's responses. One thing that does occur to me is based on how I felt about my father's death 4 years ago namely; I almost didn't want people to bring it up _unless_ we had time right now to talk about about it at some length.<br /> If it was a situation when the conversation (for time reasons) would have had to be terminated in a couple more sentences or minutes, I would have rather they didn't say anything.</p> <p>Sarah, You look fab, and I am sorry that person made you feel down </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/asking-someone-if-they%e2%80%99re-pregnant/page/2#post-74887 Thu, 25 Jun 2009 16:08:34 +0000 Chris 74887@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Patience - that is a hard one. In my own case, my family knew and I told one or two people at work (I needed time off). Since I managed a large reatil store, everyone knew about the first pregnancy. My assistant (a huge bear of a man - quite a sweetheart) let the word out in the nicest of ways and I came back to work with hugs and support. Tears for sure but it was a supportive environment.<br /> When it came to the second time, I didn't tell anyone but my husband, parents, sister and one close friend.<br /> If anyone else wondered either time, I am glad they didn't ask me. Rehashing the circumstances was hard.</p> <p>I would have appreciated a comment like "I know it's been too long since we have gotten together, but I hope you know you can call me if you want to have coffee or need to talk - I know sometimes I do". That way it leaves an open conversation without directly barging in?<br /> Not sure how others may feel but I would be happy to have a friend tell me that under any circumstances </p> <p>Hope that helps. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/asking-someone-if-they%e2%80%99re-pregnant/page/2#post-74885 Thu, 25 Jun 2009 15:51:02 +0000 Asha 74885@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>"Hugs to Angie, Chris and Khris for sharing your stories. It's a sign of strength to be able to talk about such personal matters with the poise and composure you showed. And it's a testament to the quality of this community that you felt comfortable raising the subject!"</p> <p>Ditto this, I couldn't have said it any better myself. I am so glad to be a part of this community. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/asking-someone-if-they%e2%80%99re-pregnant/page/2#post-74884 Thu, 25 Jun 2009 15:42:47 +0000 Patience 74884@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>This thread has brought up a question I've had and I hope you don't mind my asking. Over the past year or so there have been a couple of women I know (although not very well) who were pregnant. They volunteered the information and but for morning sickness were very happy about the fact. Then I saw each of them a bit later (I don't see them too often) and as far as I could tell although I can't know for sure, they are no longer pregnant. Now my heart really goes out to them but my instinct has been to not bring up the subject at all (neither volunteered). Is this the right approach?</p> <p>The thing about parenthood/pregnancy is that it can be such a polar issue, as polar as religion and politics can be. And this makes sense because once you make decisions about this aspect of your life you have to be really committed. I know I try to be committed to what I believe otherwise I'd go crazy with insecurity. At the same time I try to respect what other people believe because what's right for me is definitely not going to right for everyone else. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/asking-someone-if-they%e2%80%99re-pregnant/page/2#post-74881 Thu, 25 Jun 2009 15:26:12 +0000 Chris 74881@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>May I just say that you all are such big hearted, loving women? I wish we could all get together and have a group hug!<br /> Thank you for your kind words and support. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/asking-someone-if-they%e2%80%99re-pregnant/page/2#post-74876 Thu, 25 Jun 2009 15:06:52 +0000 Laura 74876@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I agree, Michelle, no one should be put on this earth for the purpose of taking care of an elderly person, whether that person is your parent or not! That's ridiculous. Equally as ridiculous is the notion that you should have a second child so that your first child has a sibling. I know as many people who have difficult relationships with a sibling as those who have a good relationship. The reason to have a child is because YOU and your partner want one. End of story.</p> <p>"Childless" vs. "child-free" -- those terms show both sides of the coin. Although I am not childless, there are times when I wish I were child-free, if even for a day!! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/asking-someone-if-they%e2%80%99re-pregnant/page/2#post-74866 Thu, 25 Jun 2009 14:49:01 +0000 Michelle 74866@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Hugs to Angie, Chris and Khris for sharing your stories. It's a sign of strength to be able to talk about such personal matters with the poise and composure you showed. And it's a testament to the quality of this community that you felt comfortable raising the subject!<br /> HannahC, you crack me up completely! I think I'll save the handbag-swat for the next person that assumes they know where I'm going and starts giving me directions that were not asked for. Thank god for McClure, who helps me look oriented most of the time and has cut back on this sort of interaction! But some blind people I know, who maybe have weaker mobility skills, have had the misfortune of being grabbed and "helped" across streets they never planned to cross. And in the most egregious example of ignorance, a blind friend of mine was once offered money by someone who assumed she was homeless!! I suspect my friend didn't look as well-groomed as she should, which perhaps compounded this impression, but there's no excuse whatsoever for behaviour like that! Still, stories like hers reinforced my desire to pay attention to my appearance at all times (insert more YLF love here).</p> <p>Maya, I'll come out and join you; I don't intend to have children. People are less judgmental of my choice when I tell them any child I bare would have a 50-50 chance of inheriting the cancer that took my vision, and I don't feel comfortable rolling the dice on someone else's life with odds like that. That is a genuine reason for my decision, but the fact remains that, like you, I just don't want to go there. Both reasons are equally valid, in my view, and should be treated with equal respect. Maya, I hope people learn to appreciate the maturity you show in adopting a well-reasoned position and sticking to it. Oh, and one of the motives people throw at you, i.e. "have kids so someone can take care of you when you're old," has always struck me as the most hideously selfish reason ever! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/asking-someone-if-they%e2%80%99re-pregnant/page/2#post-74844 Thu, 25 Jun 2009 13:42:50 +0000 shiny 74844@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Too early in the morning - I had something else I wanted to relate. </p> <p>I've mentioned I have this polycystic ovarian condition that flares up every few months, and for a few days up to a week, I will look like I am 5 or 6 months pregnant. I will only be able to wear elastic waists or dresses. I mostly stay in the house on these days, partly because it's so uncomfortable. But if we venture out to dinner, I will deliberately put my hand on my tummy and smile like a pregnant woman....and then sip my wine.... just to confuse people!! Hee hee. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/asking-someone-if-they%e2%80%99re-pregnant/page/2#post-74842 Thu, 25 Jun 2009 13:38:47 +0000 kimlee 74842@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>This post really hit home for me today. On Sunday, I was taking my oldest niece into her Sunday school class - when her teacher stopped me and asked "Kim, are you pregnant?". I was floored..... </p> <p>I guess the dress that I was wearing ( a yellow cotton sundress with A-line skirt) was so non-form fitting she thought I was hiding a belly underneath. I spent the rest of the church service wondering if I did look pregnant. I ruined my entire day. </p> <p>DH and I have been married for 3 months now and we constantly get asked when we are going to start having children. I have coworkers who ask me the question at least once a week. I find it rude and unprofessional. I have taken to responding with "My answer to your question is the same as it was last time you posed the question, we will start a family when we feel that we are ready to be 100% focused on our child. In the meantime we are working on strenghtining our marriage and our home. And I can guareentee that is not going to happen tomorrow."</p> <p>((Hugs)) to all of you who have experienced a miscarriage. At 24 I became pregnant, but lost the baby at 9 weeks. The father of the child seemed uncocerned with the whole ordeal. I was devestated. But I have since learned to see the blessing in the loss. If I had not loss the baby, I may not have seen how big of a jerk the guy was until much to late.....and I may not have found my wonderful husband now. But there are days where the pain of the loss still stings. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/asking-someone-if-they%e2%80%99re-pregnant/page/2#post-74841 Thu, 25 Jun 2009 13:37:28 +0000 shiny 74841@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Angie - we are your children. :-)</p> <p>Maya - hopefully you will find it easier, as choosing to be "child-free" is becoming more popular these days, as it should, with an overpopulated planet. My DD14 adores kids and is really good with them and wants at least two children some day. But my DD16 is lately saying she doesn't think she ever wants kids. DD's have a 5-year-old sister so both of them know exactly what child-rearing involves. I tell my DD16 that if that's what she decides, that's okay and I will fully support it. </p> <p>When DH and I got married, I had to suffer through the questions about whether we'd have a child together - especially from my mom, who loves grandkids and thinks that babies are an inevitable consequence and obligation for any committed, loving relationship. And also a lot of my 40-something friends who started families late; I guess it wasn't enough I have teens that can babysit for them - they want me on the playground with them. </p> <p>I still get those questions, as I near 44! "Oh but you two would have such gorgeous children together." "But your ex-husband remarried and had a child - don't you want another too?" ACKKK! (It was bad enough that everyone kept pestering us about when we'd finally marry). Even if I wanted another child, at my age I don't even know if it's possible. </p> <p>I am patient when I explain that I love my DD's and think they turned out great, but now that they are teens and I see the finish line, I am so ready for the next phase in life. I can't possibly imagine filling the house again with diapers and strollers and giving up freedom and sleep. And yes, the inevitable next question is, "Is DH okay with that?" LOL. If he wasn't okay with it, I wouldn't have married him!</p> <p>Before I met DH, I dated a lot. All of the men I dated wanted children, which was a deal-breaker, because I knew then I didn't want any more. I do think it's an appropriate line of discussion when dating, but you wouldn't believe the men who would tell me "oh, but OF COURSE you want more children..... " That got really annoying. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/asking-someone-if-they%e2%80%99re-pregnant/page/2#post-74827 Thu, 25 Jun 2009 11:31:17 +0000 Kristen 74827@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Maya, I'm like you, childless by choice -- and I've been married for 13 years. During our 30s, especially in the first 2-5 years of our marriage, it was a frequent question from strangers and family. Our mothers had a particularly hard time adjusting when we told them we'd decided not to have kids on purpose. (My mother's question: "Have you discussed this with DH?" Oh, that still makes me laugh!) </p> <p>Strangers/acquaintances/distant family members were the hardest: people thought nothing of asking when we were going to start a family. It was like, well now you're married so it's on to the next step! DH had the perfect response for them: "We already have a family. Us." That shut 'em up. :)</p> <p>I still get the question from time to time from new co-workers, etc, and I no longer get defensive. I get that we are going against the stream here; we live in the suburbs and everyone around us (especially those our age) has kids. We don't know any other childless couples at all. I do have a ton of girlfriends who are childless but they're also unmarried and likely to stay that way, and they've also had to make their peace with that and how the world sees them. (Which is a whole other rant!)</p> <p>I don't like to talk about being childless much, though, because we did choose it. I feel badly for those couples that didn't, and I feel a little guilty too; I elected not to try for something they wanted very much -- like I wasted my eggs or something. It's weird, I know. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/asking-someone-if-they%e2%80%99re-pregnant/page/2#post-74819 Thu, 25 Jun 2009 10:01:48 +0000 HannahC 74819@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Oh, Angie ... big big hugs! I am so sorry about your medical problems. It must have been very hard for you. You are truly making world a better place and making us all happier. </p> <p>Chris, big big hugs to you too ... You are very brave and strong. The dumbness of people at your high school reunion is just unbelievable.</p> <p>Khris, your story made me shiver. This is almost exactly what happened to me with my first pregnancy. We were overjoyed and told quite a lot of people, and then I lost the baby at 11 weeks. It was so hard, and on top of coping with this, we had to explain everybody that I am not pregnant anymore. We have three beautiful children now, so this is all history, but it was very painful at the time.</p> <p>Maya, I think it becomes rather common not to have children by choice. I believe it is more common in Europe, though. Be glad that you are not living in Israel, though We are such a children-oriented society, people would've driven you crazy with questions about when you are going to have kids already. Also, while I believe that your decision is well thought of and mature, it might be something to discuss with your partner, when you have one, and then maybe your view will change. Unless, of course, this is one of your non-negotiable criteria in choosing a partner. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/asking-someone-if-they%e2%80%99re-pregnant/page/2#post-74812 Thu, 25 Jun 2009 08:29:04 +0000 Ele 74812@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Angie, Chris and Khris- hugs to you all from me, too. I've never been though anything like that so I can only imagine how it feels, but you are all an inspiration, definitely. </p> <p>Maya, I hear you completely. My best friend has similar feelings to you and I support her choices. I think a lot of people probably have children for the simple reason that they're reached a certain age and it's the "logical" next life step, without really thinking about whether they want to be a parent, what they can bring to their children's lives, etc. I echo Taylor and Khris and think you're being brave and independent in your thinking. </p> <p>I've actually been on the other side of the conversation. I have known for almost my whole life that I want to be a mother, though I have several friends who don't want children. Once one of them (NOT my bf) compared us by saying that she was "a modern, 21st-century woman" and implied that I was very old-fashioned, outdated and oppressed in my goals. I laughed at the time but it was really ridiculous- because reproducing is SO passé. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/asking-someone-if-they%e2%80%99re-pregnant/page/2#post-74792 Thu, 25 Jun 2009 04:17:51 +0000 chewyspaghetti 74792@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Maya- I think that if more people were honest and responsible about it, we would have less uncared for kids in the world! I think it's just as great to know that you *don't* want to have kids, as it is to know that you do.</p> <p>Anyway, I have learned not to ask about it AT ALL. The mother to be can bring the subject up, and until then it is off limits as far as I am concerned. When we first became pregnant, I told everyone under the sun. We had been trying for a year, and so we were just overjoyed- only to be crushed to have to tell each and every one of those people a few months later that we had lost the baby. It's just something that is better left to the person going through it- if it's obvious or not. One of my friends showed up recently obviously pregnant. I didn't know that she was expecting before that- and neither did anyone else. I still didn't bring up the subject- I let her do it. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/asking-someone-if-they%e2%80%99re-pregnant/page/2#post-74773 Thu, 25 Jun 2009 03:29:21 +0000 Vani 74773@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Angie, Chris (and any others who I might have overlooked) BIG ((((HUGS))))<br /> You inspire us to shine not only on the outside, but inside out </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/asking-someone-if-they%e2%80%99re-pregnant/page/2#post-74761 Thu, 25 Jun 2009 03:12:47 +0000 April 74761@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Just now reading through this whole thread... so much cluelessness in the world. </p> <p>Angie, if anyone has ever come across as contented with her life and comfortable in her own skin, it's you. </p> <p>No matter what we do (we being women; I do not believe men's choices are subjected to the same public scrutiny), it seems open to insensitive speculation. I have one child, and even that is perceived as somehow not quite fulfilling an obligation. ("Don't you want him to have brothers and sisters...?") When I was pregnant with him, more than one or two people told me I would never deliver him "normally" because I have narrow hips. Um, thanks. </p> <p>Then when he was a baby, he was a very big, chubby guy with a Charlie Brown head. As I was lugging him around, people would actually ask me if he was mine. The usual response to my puzzled yes: "Oh - he's *big* for you." Really? Oh my goodness, after carrying him all day month after month, and having giving birth to him in the first place, I HAD NOT REALIZED he was a bruiser! Thank you for clarifying - your MacArthur Fellowship is on its way. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/asking-someone-if-they%e2%80%99re-pregnant/page/2#post-74743 Thu, 25 Jun 2009 02:04:37 +0000 taylor 74743@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Maya,<br /> I think It takes a very brave and strong woman to feel that way, let alone make that statement. I do not think you are too young, or stupid. I think you have given this alot of thought and I admire your courage for it.</p> <p>Be true to yourself always Maya...you will be a happier and better person for it. No one said you have to have children and don't ever opologize for your feelings:) </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/asking-someone-if-they%e2%80%99re-pregnant/page/2#post-74741 Thu, 25 Jun 2009 01:53:45 +0000 Maya 74741@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I think I feel safe and comfortable enough here to come out as someone who just does not want children. I have heard all the usual responses (you're young and stupid and just don't know any better, you haven't met the right person, you'll want someone to take care of you when you're old, you'll regret it later in life, you must have some kind of emotional and psychological disorder, who will carry on your family name, you'll change your mind when you get older, etc. etc.). </p> <p>Well, there are few things I say "never" about, but this is one of them. So, count me as being in the "different" team Angie. I don't go around asking why people DO have kids or why they DO want kids. I just accept and respect that they have different desires, feelings, and circumstances in life than I do. I wish others would extend the same courtesy to me. Hopefully the patronizing remarks will subside once I'm older and people don't assume that I have made this choice just out of immaturity or youthful stupidity. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/asking-someone-if-they%e2%80%99re-pregnant/page/2#post-74738 Thu, 25 Jun 2009 01:45:19 +0000 taylor 74738@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Laura65,<br /> Had to comment on the obgyn thing.</p> <p>My mother had schedualed an annual exam , when the Doc said everthing looks good, except did you know you have a tipped uterus. My mother laughed and said"Well that is odd since I had a hysterectomy 8 yrs ago"</p> <p>She of course got a new doctor.:) </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/asking-someone-if-they%e2%80%99re-pregnant/page/2#post-74737 Thu, 25 Jun 2009 01:34:01 +0000 Angie 74737@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Laura, your story actually made me laugh. The irony of it all. </p> <p>Thank you Medusa, Sarah and Lena. I am very much over these losses and am not emotional about it at all anymore. I guess I’ve been able to process this successfully. I’m am now in the situation where I am just “different” – equal, but different. And that’s okay with me. </p> <p>Chris, BIG HUG. I’m so sorry to hear about your losses. We can be different together. And when you're different together - you're the same :0) </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/asking-someone-if-they%e2%80%99re-pregnant/page/2#post-74736 Thu, 25 Jun 2009 01:31:30 +0000 Kari 74736@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I don't know why people feel like they ought to ask someone if they're pregnant. It's so insensitive.</p> <p>I have loved ones who have suffered through infertility, miscarriages, or other situations preventing them from having children (or more than one) when they really wanted them. There are others who weren't planning to have kids until later, but ended up pregnant earlier than intended. I'm truly amazed at some of the nosy or judgmental comments I've heard people make.</p> <p>I'm not slim and have large hips and my belly is somewhat poochy, and I really dread the day that someone makes this assumption about me. (I've already provided some entertainment when colleagues who think I'm older than I am ask me if I have kids. Apparently I react with a shocked and panicked look on my face.) </p>