https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aging-parents---update-small-victories Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Sat, 18 Apr 2026 20:46:04 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aging-parents---update-small-victories#post-2254687 Fri, 11 Mar 2022 20:29:17 +0000 judy 2254687@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Oh very big victories.&nbsp; They sound like incredible people, really.&nbsp; </p> <p>My parents lived in their home until the end.&nbsp; It was very important to them I think to still feel like themselves, with their life around them.&nbsp; They just wouldn't entertain any other option when we brought up the subject of perhaps moving to a smaller place or retirement community while they were still well.&nbsp; Then at age 90 when my Dad was diagnosed with Parkinson's, the south facing solar house looking out to the New Hampshire woods they'd retired to 25 years before actually provided a beautiful place for he and my mother to be at home more, visited and helped by a community they loved (my parents were very active in church and small town affairs).&nbsp; My mother even lived there on her own for a year and a half until she joined him. In fact, they both died very peacefully in that house, surrounded by all of us who loved them. In the end, I saw they were quite right to be determined to stay put as they did.</p> <p>Contrast that with my in-laws who DID relocate to an assisted living facility...a very small apartment in a new part of the country where they knew no one except two of their nine children who lived nearby.&nbsp; They mostly just watched television because they couldn't drive any more and their children worked full time still.&nbsp; It's such a challenging time to sort out care for another, each situation being so different.&nbsp; Mine are gone now.&nbsp; I wish you all the best with it.&nbsp;&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aging-parents---update-small-victories#post-2254209 Mon, 07 Mar 2022 21:59:51 +0000 Stagiaire Fash 2254209@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Cardiff and JamC, it’s wise of you to point out that we should reflect on ourselves and how we will age when we think about this conundrum.<br /> My son sees some signs of me aging. Long ago, when he couldn’t reach things, I’d tell him that one day he’d be bigger than his mama and help me. That made him wide-eyed and smiley! These days, he’s not so sure. Sometimes he likes the thought of me in a MiL suite, helping with his little ones and slowly needing more help; other times he wants to lock me up far, far away from any family he has. We’ve got time—right now we’re just getting him off to college, and who knows if I’ll get along with his babies’ mama. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aging-parents---update-small-victories#post-2254194 Mon, 07 Mar 2022 20:30:28 +0000 Cardiff girl 2254194@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>It’s so tough for all concerned isn’t it,ageing isn’t easy whatever stage you are at.Ioften wonder what l will be like and hope that l won’t be a burden to my daughter.l think it’s a lot to do with personality as well.Some people seem able to let go of their youth easier than others.But well done you for sticking at it and being a good daughter. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aging-parents---update-small-victories#post-2254183 Mon, 07 Mar 2022 17:23:36 +0000 JamC 2254183@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>So many of us have been through this difficult time with our parents. Every small step is a victory and better for all involved. I wonder if we will be different when we are in our 80s and 90s and need to accept help? Will we remember and learn from dealing with our strong willed parents? </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aging-parents---update-small-victories#post-2254180 Mon, 07 Mar 2022 16:44:49 +0000 Suz 2254180@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Laurie, what a victory! I commend your patience and persistence. This is not an easy road, as I well know.&nbsp;</p> <p>My parents insisted on staying in their own home, too, also without help, although they did have someone to clean the house. My dad died five years before my mother and then my brother and I did the caregiving as my mother's health continued to decline. I well remember the victory that a bar in the shower represented! And eventually, a second handrail on the stairs and some other small changes.&nbsp;</p> <p> </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aging-parents---update-small-victories#post-2254104 Sun, 06 Mar 2022 20:01:00 +0000 Minaminu 2254104@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Amazing! It's encouraging to hear these stories.</p> <p>My parents are also in similar age and situation and the don't want to make any changes. We live in different countries and I try to visit them every 6 weeks, looking at different ways to help them out as much as I can but it is never enough. Gardeners or cleaners are a no-no as no one can do a good job as they want. My mum understands both sides as her mum lived in a different country, so she is aware of the stress but also very stubborn. My dad still thinks that he has the same strength as 20-30 years ago and is becoming more difficult to handle.</p> <p>An example is the Internet connection that tried to install at their place at my own expenses , so that we can do video calls but when and if they answer the call, I can only see their sweaters. Patience is a virtue. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aging-parents---update-small-victories#post-2254074 Sat, 05 Mar 2022 21:01:21 +0000 Stagiaire Fash 2254074@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Excellent work! </p> <p>My parents are in their 80s. Dad can’t drive, because of dementia. They considered moving 15 or so years ago. I asked them not to, and am kicking myself now. It will be so hard for them to move now! Their home is not set up for aging in place, and there really isn’t a way to adapt it without making major changes. Mom knows they have to move, but the question now of course is if Dad will ever be able to believe/understand that a new place is home. </p> <p>Well done with the timing for the bar! Makes me think I should suggest my BiL put one in at my parents’. They are off at their Florida place right now, where they can walk right into the shower. When they return to their regular place and have to step over the edge of the tub to shower, they might be willing to accept that small alteration. </p> <p>In general I’ve quit trying to help. They made it very clear numerous times that they far prefer my sister and BiL’s help over mine, and our mom is very close to my other sister. We were only 2 hours away in Florida, but they refused any &amp; all help from me. My only regret with moving overseas from them is that they refuse to visit—no way would Mom ever tell me all the things they need to get through a day, or what I need to know to plan an afternoon outing. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aging-parents---update-small-victories#post-2254060 Sat, 05 Mar 2022 17:46:43 +0000 kkards 2254060@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>My grandparents refused &nbsp;to move out of their house, even when my grandfather was confined to a wheelchair, in a house that was not wheelchair accessible, and not even after he passed and grandmother,who never learned to drive, was alone in a home with no way to get out and about. &nbsp;Because my dad lived thru &nbsp;that, when it became time for my parents to think about the next step, my dad was opened to it. &nbsp;And the downsized and moved into a townhouse with 1st floor bedroom. And after my dad passed, my mom was realistic to realize that she needed to move to a senior community that has built in rehab, meals, activities etc. &nbsp;</p> <p>Laurie. I know you said that they would not accept anyone coming in to help. &nbsp;But one thing that we learn with my grandmother, at some point a. hospital might not release them with out a plan in place for help at home. &nbsp;So I would continue to research options so that you are not scrambling at the last minute&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aging-parents---update-small-victories#post-2254055 Sat, 05 Mar 2022 16:54:37 +0000 kellygirl 2254055@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>That's so good to hear. At least your parents have each other to lean on too. That's a blessing in itself! It's so frustrating when you can't have a frank discussion, isn't it. My dad is the same way. It's like pulling teeth to get him to talk about the future. There's no way around aging--despite good mental faculties. Failing eye sight, poor mobility, they're just a reality, unfortunately.&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aging-parents---update-small-victories#post-2254051 Sat, 05 Mar 2022 16:42:36 +0000 Carla 2254051@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Whew! &nbsp;I get it. &nbsp;My mother spent a week with us in February, and though our house is all on one level,&nbsp;open concept, and has double doors to most rooms, there were some challenges. &nbsp;Her mobility and balance are poor and she reports falling or near falls at least once a week. &nbsp;She found the bed in our guest room was too high, and since we didn’t have a side rail I had to help her get out of it in the morning. &nbsp;I had bought a bath stool, and we have walk in showers. &nbsp;</p> <div><br /></div><div>While she was visiting we got the date for the room in the assisted living place where she wants to go. &nbsp;She saw the room (a studio apartment) this week, and it is being painted, will have new flooring, and the bathroom is being refinished. &nbsp;She moves in next month (April) and is ready to go!<div><br /></div><div>DH and I (we are 64 and 61 respectively) have already decided that every upgrade/renovation we do will be with a view to making our home more accessible. &nbsp;We have bathroom reno plans we want to implement in the next 5 years and we are going to work with a firm that specializes in accessible that looks ‘designer’ IYKWIM. I love to garden, however I’m developing it such that it is becoming more low maintenance. &nbsp;We have discussed maintenance contracts and other ‘help’ around the house as a step before seniors apartments and assisted living.&nbsp;</div></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div></p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aging-parents---update-small-victories#post-2254045 Sat, 05 Mar 2022 15:39:06 +0000 Bijou 2254045@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>It is a challenge, for them and you. I'm so glad that you have great support in DH and your sister. Enjoy the time that you have with your parents. I miss mine very much. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aging-parents---update-small-victories#post-2254043 Sat, 05 Mar 2022 15:31:25 +0000 Angie 2254043@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Excellent victory,<b> Laurie</b>. WELL DONE. I know all too well how hard it is looking after aging (and not well) parents, and especially from afar. It is very stressful and worrying. For parents too, of course.</p> <p>Your gentle and clever persistence, kindness, and thoughtfulness have paid off. Know that your support is invaluable to them, and that you and Lou are incredible children. Step by step, you will make more progress, and have more peace of mind. Take care and good luck. xo </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aging-parents---update-small-victories#post-2254042 Sat, 05 Mar 2022 15:29:13 +0000 JAileen 2254042@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Baby steps! &nbsp;After my father died, my mother shopped around for a retirement home on her own. &nbsp;If my father were still living they would never have mo<u></u>ved.<u></u><div><br /></div><div>My mother drove until she was 95. &nbsp;Luckily, she saw her own limitations and gave it up a couple years ago. &nbsp;She’s 97 and doing relatively well. &nbsp;I do see her slowing down, but she’s still engaged in the world.<br /></div> </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aging-parents---update-small-victories#post-2254031 Sat, 05 Mar 2022 08:43:11 +0000 rachylou 2254031@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>That’s brilliant. A real victory. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aging-parents---update-small-victories#post-2254028 Sat, 05 Mar 2022 07:14:17 +0000 AJ 2254028@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>That is big step!</p> <p>It must be so hard, especially when their mind is still functioning well, to accept that they will have to give up their independence due to the decline of health, mobility, etc.&nbsp; Hopefully, now that they see that your suggestion of the grab bar actually allows them to help themselves longer, they may be open to more similar suggestions.</p> <p>When my FIL considered a car purchase in his mid 70's, my husband suggested to him to get a manual transmission&nbsp;</p> <p>(FIL used to drive them)</p> <p> so that when he was no longer able to operate it properly, it would be a sign to us all that it was time to stop driving.&nbsp; After considering it over, FIL thought that was a wise suggestion.&nbsp; He was still a decent driver up until he passed away at the age of 79. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aging-parents---update-small-victories#post-2254013 Sat, 05 Mar 2022 02:20:45 +0000 DonnaF 2254013@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Congratulations! I just hope they don’t turn around and dig in their heels about everything else. After we moved my mom into a lovely fancy senior residence, she gave notice a few months later while we were out of town after my BIL died and got friends my age to move her back into her house.</p> <p>I just never want to put my daughter through what I went through with my mom. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aging-parents---update-small-victories#post-2254011 Sat, 05 Mar 2022 02:06:47 +0000 Jules 2254011@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>That’s good progress Laurie! I’m glad they were able to accept some help and see the benefit immediately. I hope your mom continues to recover well.<br /> My parents aren’t quite there yet at 78, but my good friend’s mother is insisting on aging in place in her home without demonstrating any willingness to make the necessary moves to support it, like hiring someone to shovel snow etc, so I get how frustrating it can be. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aging-parents---update-small-victories#post-2254010 Fri, 04 Mar 2022 23:41:14 +0000 Laurie 2254010@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Some time ago we had quite a discussion on this forum about managing issues/transitions/needs of aging parents. I'd hit a wall with mine, and was so frustrated and worried. For a long time my parents (83, and - yesterday - 92) just refused to talk with me about their thoughts and plans for how they would live well in their elder years. They were refusing to face the fact that they are, in fact, elderly and have changing lifestyle, health, and safety needs. Everyone else was getting old but them! To their absolute credit, they are truly amazing 83 and 92 year olds and have done extremely well until about a year ago. They still live independently, and both still drive. Absolutely no dementia. But, their maladies are compounding, eye sight and hearing are declining, and mobility - esp for Mom - is getting limited due to severe arthritis. I think I've accepted that we will never get them out of their home, but they've also refused all talking of lawn help, cleaning help, and making adjustments in the home for safety.&nbsp;</p> <p>My Mom had shoulder replacement surgery on Monday, and my husband and I went up for 4 days to help, then my sister arrived on Wed and is still there. It was supposed to be out-patient, but Mom ended up with afib in recovery that did not resolve, so they kept her for 2 nights in the hospital. That was a blessing - it is cruel to expect an 83 year old person to go home just hours after that kind of surgery, even without complications. She was perfectly content to stay, and her pain was well monitored. They've controlled the heart situation with meds. (She went home with instructions for a total of 17 pills through the course of the day, Rx and OTC. It took hours to review this with her, and sort those pills out when she got home.)&nbsp;</p> <p>When she got released on Wed, my husband re-opened a previously unsuccessful discussion with my dad to allow him to install grab bars in their bathroom. They have a <i>tub</i> to step over! So, so dangerous. It took hours to get my Dad to agree, 3 trips to Lowe's, and my Dad hanging over my husband's shoulder "instructing him" on how to not damage the tile, make a mess, scratch the metal, etc. ( My husband is pretty much a saint.)&nbsp; But, he/we got it done!&nbsp; And that night, as we drove home to Maryland, we got 2 separate texts from them thanking Lou profusely for installing those bars. My sister said there would have been no way to get my Mom in the shower without her being able to hold the bar.</p> <p>I was also able to secure a lot of the personal information I needed, and got them to sign Personal Representative Designation Forms for me, on record in their health system so I can call their docs, get records, etc.&nbsp; This just scratches the surface of all that needs to be done financially, medically, physically, and emotionally but it was a huge step forward.</p> <p>The fact that those grab bars are so solid and make them feel safe (and don't look bad at all!), may be the break through we needed. They may trust us more, and realize that they actually are happy and better off with the adjustments we help them make.&nbsp; I'm going back next weekend to clean and cook, and continue to lay eyes on them. It's actually a joy to help when you don't have to fight so much resistance to do it.</p>