https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aged-parents-update-on-both-sides Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Fri, 17 Apr 2026 15:54:06 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aged-parents-update-on-both-sides#post-2356384 Fri, 29 Mar 2024 15:14:25 +0000 phoebe 2356384@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Starting from your first post this seems like progress. Even the not speaking part, which can give room for other things including new perspective.</p> <p>I might be more of a "you can lead a horse to water but can't make him drink" person, as I'm not comfortable with the responsibility of directing other peoples lives and am never completely convinced of any solution versus another. Also, the frustration of trying to redirect, and the defensiveness from the other side can become the dominant emotions in the relationship.</p> <p>Witnessing lack of self care can be anything from sad to infuriating</p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aged-parents-update-on-both-sides#post-2356383 Fri, 29 Mar 2024 14:38:09 +0000 April 2356383@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Yet another update: my mother appears to have stopped speaking to me. I don't know what happened once the ortho knew she was not following any of his instructions but she has not made her daily Wordle phone call to me since. </p> <p>Being on her rage list is not the worst thing in the world. A little of my mom goes a long way and a respite is fine. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aged-parents-update-on-both-sides#post-2355692 Thu, 21 Mar 2024 00:21:51 +0000 April 2355692@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>She kept the promise to wear the custom splint for about 8 hours, then refused to put it back on. I warned her that I would tell the orthopedist, and I did.<br /> The medical assistant (aka my new best friend) : "We usually reserve plaster casts for children, since they can't be counted on to follow medical instructions."<br /> Mm hmm. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aged-parents-update-on-both-sides#post-2355638 Wed, 20 Mar 2024 15:15:32 +0000 unfrumped 2355638@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Oh, April. Such worries. But it sounds like your caring and conversations are paying off. </p> <p>Leave it to a baby to be a blessing! If your dad is able to make those visits, it’s got to be good for his own mental health, which also benefits your mom. Stronger connections with other family and not so much isolation and paranoia. Hugs and giggles. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aged-parents-update-on-both-sides#post-2355525 Tue, 19 Mar 2024 12:00:32 +0000 April 2355525@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Update: ortho visit for new x-rays yesterday yielded firm instructions: the cast is to be worn 24/7. The doctor also told my mother if she keeps taking it off, he'll be happy to put her back in plaster. Thank you, Dr. S! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aged-parents-update-on-both-sides#post-2355407 Sun, 17 Mar 2024 22:08:27 +0000 kkards 2355407@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>April re the screen questions …..one time when my dad was seeing a new doctor they asked him if he was safe at home….my dad, being the engineer, said yes, he was very safe, he never got on the ladder anymore, and if he was going to even use the step ladder he was always careful and had the phone with him. &nbsp; Lol of course this wasn’t the safe they meant….sometimes those screening questions can go a little sideways&nbsp;</p> <p>also re emergency rooms, I know when my grandmother had a fall the ER would not release her without a care plan in place. &nbsp;They insisted that she either go to a rehab, nursing home or have a home health care plan in place. &nbsp;Her kids had to scramble to set something up, and she ended up in the ER for almost 2 days. &nbsp;So your parents might be afraid of the decision being taken away and something being forced on them.&nbsp;<div><br /></div><div>Hoping things get better and that they allow/welcome help, and that the help is, well, helpful&nbsp;</div> </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aged-parents-update-on-both-sides#post-2355353 Sun, 17 Mar 2024 02:40:52 +0000 Helena 2355353@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Oh gosh April that's so stressful. Sending you lots of love and boatloads of patience! You're a good daughter! xx </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aged-parents-update-on-both-sides#post-2355313 Sat, 16 Mar 2024 21:21:33 +0000 April 2355313@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Not proud of this but I pulled out the big guns last night. Mom thinks Mr. A is "perfect" (you can only be either perfect or evil) and she knows he's an MD. I texted my dad that Mr. A says she MUST wear her custom sling a minimum of 8 hours per day or her broken bone won't heal quickly and will hurt longer than it has to.</p> <p>I did this with Mr. A's permission, but it still feels somewhat underhanded. End result: dad texted me that she agreed to 2 four-hour stints in-splint with a break in between. Worth it! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aged-parents-update-on-both-sides#post-2355293 Sat, 16 Mar 2024 16:38:45 +0000 Suz 2355293@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>That is fantastic news, <b>April!</b>&nbsp;</p> <p>Sadly, it sometimes takes an injury to make people realize it's ok to ask for and take a bit of help. And outside motivation (a new baby) is a huge boon! It will do your dad a lot of good to get a break and it won't hurt your mother.&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aged-parents-update-on-both-sides#post-2355274 Sat, 16 Mar 2024 12:45:50 +0000 April 2355274@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>The good news: my dad is far more open now to the idea of some help (for his own sanity). He's weary of being blamed for every dang thing and would welcome someone else who could step into that role.</p> <p>Also, and this one might be the most effective lever, they now have a great-granddaughter who's 8 months old but lives 40 minutes away. My dad is this baby's biggest fan but he hasn't seen her since Thanksgiving because the drive there is too uncomfortable for my mom.&nbsp;</p> <p>He sounded thrilled at the prospect of being able to get in the car, go visit, and leave my mother with a capable, no-nonsense person who would set a schedule for the cast and stick with it. That person could also help mom use the phone (still overwhelming to her despite the most basic handsets) and guide her to my dad's computer so he could Zoom her in while he's with the baby.&nbsp;</p> <p>Another bonus: my mother's big sister (90) is 1000% in favor of this idea and willing to chime in to support my dad. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aged-parents-update-on-both-sides#post-2355262 Sat, 16 Mar 2024 07:38:43 +0000 Bijou 2355262@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Dealing with two set of parents in crisis is particularly hard, I hope you and your DH are not overwhelmed. I find incessant complainers the worst. Alas, patience is not one of my virtues!&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aged-parents-update-on-both-sides#post-2355235 Sat, 16 Mar 2024 00:04:39 +0000 Suz 2355235@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Oh oh...<b>Laurie</b>....I am so sorry....</p> <p>And <b>April,</b> it is so good you are on top of it all. Crossing fingers that your dad is more open to some assistance now that they are facing this new challenge.&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aged-parents-update-on-both-sides#post-2355226 Fri, 15 Mar 2024 23:25:10 +0000 Laurie 2355226@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Following. Commiserating. Hope Dad is has reached a point of concern and overwhelm&nbsp; to accept the help.</p> <p>And, all that improvement in my Mom we DM'd about? Over. As I anticipated. She's a mess.</p> <p>&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aged-parents-update-on-both-sides#post-2355192 Fri, 15 Mar 2024 19:24:59 +0000 April 2355192@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Here's what I now know for sure (because I had the ortho office email me all the documents directly.)</p> <p>First off, it's not her wrist at all. It's a closed fracture of the right ulna. </p> <p>Second, she needs someone else to help her answer the screening questions. In this round, she did not tell them she has a dementia diagnosis, so they don't know that she can't answer complicated questions such as this one from the alcohol-use screening assessment:&nbsp;<b>How often did you have six or more drinks on one occasion in the past year?</b> My mother has one glass of wine with her midday dinner every day. Her answer:<b> 4 times per week</b>. This got her flagged for an alcohol counseling recommendation.</p> <p>Third, I am talking to my dad in about 90 minutes when he has privacy about some of these issues. It might be true that he's now willing to reconsider a visiting aide for a couple of hours per day, if only to help my mother use the phone.&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aged-parents-update-on-both-sides#post-2355030 Thu, 14 Mar 2024 05:32:47 +0000 Jenni NZ 2355030@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>OK, I thought it would be fractured just from the description. Maybe as Suz says it may lead to some changes… we live in hope?!<br /> A hip fracture would have been worse… when you get a chance enquire about the bone-strengthening stuff if possible xx </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aged-parents-update-on-both-sides#post-2355003 Wed, 13 Mar 2024 21:40:09 +0000 JAileen 2355003@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>That’s a very difficult situation. &nbsp;I just got back from visiting my elderly mother who lives in a retirement home. &nbsp;In the last few months I’ve seen a rapid decline in her physical strength. &nbsp;I don’t know if there is anything I can do. &nbsp;She’s already in the best place she could possibly be.<div><br /></div> </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aged-parents-update-on-both-sides#post-2354995 Wed, 13 Mar 2024 18:33:05 +0000 rachylou 2354995@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Joy, you do have a point. Being a type 1 diabetic, the hospital is one of the most dangerous places for me. They take away your insulin and then give you sugar for highs and try to dose you for insulin when low. Non-specialists get only a few hours of training on the subject. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aged-parents-update-on-both-sides#post-2354994 Wed, 13 Mar 2024 18:23:15 +0000 Suz 2354994@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>April, I'm glad your mother finally got the medical attention she needs. And I am crossing fingers it might result in some small but needed changes at home, as happened with my mother (at last!) after her own fracture.&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aged-parents-update-on-both-sides#post-2354971 Wed, 13 Mar 2024 15:02:05 +0000 Anonymous 2354971@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>For many older people a hospital is where people die, a last resort. It is also rampant with communicable diseases like pneumonia. It may be why they avoid it. I sympathize about your parents.<br /> Your mother should go have her arm checked. She may have only a small fracture which can cause much pain. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aged-parents-update-on-both-sides#post-2354966 Wed, 13 Mar 2024 14:20:59 +0000 April 2354966@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Short (because I don't know much yet) update - OF COURSE the wrist was fractured. Needed a plaster cast, not the snap-on kind they can provide at Urgent Care. Yesterday they went to a proper orthopedist who cut off the cast and did his own x-rays.</p> <p>That's the last I heard. I have to count on my dad for info and he has his hands full with her so maybe someone will call me today.</p> <p>JNZ, thank you for the medical terminology! So helpful. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aged-parents-update-on-both-sides#post-2354958 Wed, 13 Mar 2024 12:50:58 +0000 unfrumped 2354958@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Oh so sorry. And it’s such a worry that now your dad is “ protecting “ your mother with inadequate medical attention. Which as you say, could lead to outside intervention that can bd a relief on one hand, but also, outside assessments &amp; solutions often default to the most “ safe”, hence most intrusive &amp; expensive, solutions, whereas good family collaborations can negotiate for balance in safety &amp; independence. Of course you can try saying to yourself that you are doing what you can, but that doesn’t really take away your frustration and angst over what is happening, and the pain of watching loved ones struggle. I’ve experienced that. </p> <p>So sending a hug. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aged-parents-update-on-both-sides#post-2354956 Wed, 13 Mar 2024 12:32:11 +0000 Dee 2354956@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Oh April I had been wondering how how your parents were doing. Such difficult situations all round. I’ve been having the exact same problems with my folks. So insistent that they are fine on their own, ignoring health issues, refusing most help despite social workers coming in and offering them services. So frustrating. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aged-parents-update-on-both-sides#post-2354952 Wed, 13 Mar 2024 11:29:41 +0000 Olive Green 2354952@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I am kinda laughing here because yes, parents wont listen to you, forget it, save your breath. My husband is in his eighties and I have (finally) learned that concern is best expressed as small helpful things that show you care and are noticing the struggle. If I make a suggestion it is done respectfully, and only once. He heard it.&nbsp;<br />This means when I am truly alarmed, he listens to me. So we do go to the emergency room when it is needed.&nbsp;<br />Putting up with unwanted (but often needed) help is hard work. Giving it is a diplomatic tour de force. But having parents who differed so greatly in their personalities, I found the one who did not want help to be easier to deal with than the one who slumped and gave up and needed to be prodded into…everything. Still pisses me off…<br />&nbsp;</p> <p> </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aged-parents-update-on-both-sides#post-2354948 Wed, 13 Mar 2024 06:49:28 +0000 rachylou 2354948@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Oh boy, April. Hopefully your mom headed for the hospital after that? </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aged-parents-update-on-both-sides#post-2354940 Wed, 13 Mar 2024 00:53:28 +0000 Jenni NZ 2354940@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>April has she had it X-rayed yet? It does sound worryingly like a Colles fracture?<br /> (Osteoporotic fracture of the wrist). And if it is then there will be a question of bone-strengthening medicine being needed? Like an Aclasta infusion? That’s the common brand name. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aged-parents-update-on-both-sides#post-2354932 Tue, 12 Mar 2024 20:36:09 +0000 Angie 2354932@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Never a dull moment. </p> <p>Oh, <b>April</b>. It's tough and stressful, and I greatly empathize with these very familiar stories. Dealing, caring, and being responsible for elderly parents who don't want help, and aren't well is NOT easy, and it's always on your mind :(</p> <p>Hope your Mama finds relief from the pain soon. Good luck and take care. xo</p> </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aged-parents-update-on-both-sides#post-2354887 Mon, 11 Mar 2024 23:14:10 +0000 Suz 2354887@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>This sounds tough, April. It's hard to deal with two sets of aging parents at once.&nbsp;</p> <p>I have a close friend who is a relentless complainer. I have been trying to think about how to deal with that. I don't want to end the relationship. Can't really -- because this is a friendship of long duration that is almost like family. Chosen family, I guess. Anyway. I try to validate the feelings, but not the facts (not easy, but do-able, with practice.) Even that does not stop the complaining behaviours, however. She might switch the subject briefly but comes back to it.&nbsp;</p> <p>In other words, I don't have any definitive answers but if I figure anything out, I'll let you know! In the meantime, it helps me to remind myself that I don't have to answer her complaints or fix the situation, and I can pace my listening/ responding, i.e. when she starts in with the complaints on the phone I often listen for a minute and then say I need to go and if it is text or email, I do not jump to respond.&nbsp;</p> <p>It is sad that your mother did not go to see anyone about her wrist. It must be worrying for you. I suspect she will go now, though.&nbsp;</p> <p>My mother was adamant about not wanting any help from anyone. When she fractured her tibia, though, the hospital set up social worker and OT visits. She couldn't stand the SW and would not deal with her, but the OT turned out to be a godsend. They got along, and the OT was able to make some small adjustments in the house that my mom would not allow my brother or me to make, that kept her safer for a few years, at least.&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aged-parents-update-on-both-sides#post-2354885 Mon, 11 Mar 2024 22:07:47 +0000 kinnick 2354885@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I am reading this and remembering how frustrating and hard my parents were. &nbsp;I can feel your pain. &nbsp;And you are in the early days.&nbsp;<div><br /><div>Can you find a way to spend less time with the in-laws? &nbsp; Avoidance is a great way of dealing with annoying people. &nbsp;Or, you could tell them that you are very stressed by their constant complaining. &nbsp;If you don’t get a break you may end up blowing up at the in-laws which they will like even less. &nbsp;This may sound harsh but you need to take care of yourself. &nbsp;And, It is possible they don’t realize how they sound. &nbsp;</p> <p>&nbsp;Also, &nbsp;I had one of my Mom’s doctors set up an at-home assessment with a social worker for my Mom. &nbsp;It actually helped make some decisions easier. &nbsp;Plus it was another set of eyes on the problem. &nbsp;</div></div><div><br /></div><div>Wishing you the best. &nbsp;You are in a tough situation.&nbsp;</div> </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aged-parents-update-on-both-sides#post-2354880 Mon, 11 Mar 2024 19:54:08 +0000 Sal 2354880@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Oh that’s very frustrating and sad - with your parents. Big sigh.</p> <p>And in the laws may enjoy complaining - some people seem to like that as a hobby as they age.</p> <p>I can commiserate and relate. Def not easy!’ </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/aged-parents-update-on-both-sides#post-2354877 Mon, 11 Mar 2024 18:52:51 +0000 April 2354877@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I will try to write this with as little exasperation as possible.</p> <p>Mr. A's dad had a stroke about 6 weeks ago. He denigrated the hospital and its staff for 10 days, couldn't wait to be transferred to the rehab hospital. A day after the move, the hospital became world-class and their staff were angelic and punctual, while the rehab hospital (which actually IS world class) was a hellhole with belligerent, never-on-time staff.</p> <p>Now he and Lady Friend are safely ensconced in a 2BR in a fancy independent living facility for a few months while the elevator in their building is replaced. The new place has lovely grounds, a spacious apartment, on-site PT in a fabulous gym, three meals a day that the elders say are excellent, two limos and a van that will drive them to appointments and local places of interest, so now only talk about how great it will be to get back to the social isolation of their condos.</p> <p>Fun fact for anyone who drives in New York state: doctors in NY are not required to report strokes to the DMV. Consider yourself warned.</p> <p>Onward to my own parents. Last Wednesday, dad sent a group email saying that my mother "took a tumble" in the kitchen. Fortunately he was standing right there and broke her fall so there were no broken bones, just a badly sprained wrist.&nbsp;</p> <p>Seemed a bit fishy to me when I asked mom what x-rays she'd had and she said, "No x-rays, they just manipulated me and sent me on my way." With no pain meds, and no proper brace? "No, none of that, I'm just using some bandages Dad bought at CVS. Re. the pain meds, my dad had already told me no, she wasn't given anything, just Tylenol for arthritis.</p> <p>Today my aunt and I conferenced-called my mother and she can barely speak because her "entire arm is swollen up" and she's in agony. Lo and behold, she has been seen by no one. She decided for herself last week that nothing was broken and it wasn't worth a trip to Urgent Care.&nbsp;</p> <p>She'll be lucky if someone at Urgent Care doesn't call protective services. Plus they both more or less lied to me.</p> <p> </p>