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"You have too much clothes" He Invoked

krishnidoux

Veteran

I just had a "breaking up" conversation with a guy I was more or less dating. We had a great connection, (extraordinary physical connection too) and saw each other for about 5 months during weekends. However his lifestyle choices were obviously too different from mine (his being very bohemian), and he lived in another city too. But before I had the time to talk about these pending issues, he stated why he thought it was over: I have too much clothes! I fell off my chair.

It's the first time a guy breaks up with me because I have too much clothes.

I don't think I do, actually. I never was able to do a serious account of all the pieces I own, but it fills two small "Pax" Ikea wardrobes (the smaller ones), and a chest, in my bedroom where I have no real closet. I keep what is off season in blue bins in the basement.

He actually said, "When I see how you live, I mean, I've seen inside your place, I could never see myself living like this". "How?" I asked, and that's when he came up with the too much clothes thing (!).

He also reproached me for drinking preferably one type of white wine (I am allergic to red).

I am really putting myself in doubt now, I think what he might have meant is that maybe dressing takes too much space in my life? However, during the time we dated, has been a strange transition period in my life when most of the time, I really didn't pay much attention to what I was wearing. It could also be that he didn't really know what to say and then thought of saying that because he noticed I dress with care... (???). Anywho, I am a bit taken aback and don't know how to react.

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44 replies

Latest reply was from unfrumped

Jules

Veteran

Is it possible he was reacting to the same lifestyle differences you noticed? Perhaps the clothes were just the thing that crystallized it for him, whereas you noticed some other detail. When I think of a bohemian male in his 40s (?), I see someone with a pared-down, unconventional life in some aspects (non-professional job, perhaps more casual living situation), that fits with a living happily on a lower income and having a minimal wardrobe (jeans and a leather jacket? lol). The accumulation of "stuff", whether it be a car, clothing or furniture that might be basic comforts or pleasures for most of us, might be a red flag for him.

Jules

Veteran

Sounds like it was fun while it lasted I certainly get the appeal, but also the ultimate futility, of a relationship with the type I'm picturing!

Laura (rhubarbgirl)

(website)

Veteran

Everybody's got a different relationship to 'stuff' (and most of us have a complicated relationship to it, too). Some people see too much stuff as a burden and others as a comfort/bulwark, and everyone's 'too much' is different.

It sounds like he felt some differences in personal priorities between the two of you and that happened to be articulated specifically regarding the clothes. I think the most important thing is that you feel comfortable with what you have and where your priorities lie. It's hard when you're early in a relationship to know where to bend and where to draw the line.

Most of the guys I know have less clothes than the women I know - that's a very commonly socialized point of gender difference. But a lot of them have some hobby that means they have a lot of something else - Legos, toy trains, ham radio equipment, computers, woodworking tools, etc.

krishnidoux

Veteran

Jules you are right on. Except for age (he's 55), the rest is exactly how he is, and he's also an artist with some recognition. I used to be an "artist" too when I was young, when I still lived in that city. That's how we had met (he was my publisher)! But I realized that 25 years, a child and a life as a diplomat's spouse changed me, I guess. Made me more of a material girl? Let's say that his lack of concern, or as you put it, his casual attitude towards money and future (and his growing debt) scared me a little. To say the least.

Laura, so true! And this guy had a photography hobby, for which he spent without looking. Photography is not cheap I learned. But I don't think he was reproaching me actually spending money on clothes, just having too much, as really in too much stuff.

Gees, thank God for this forum! It's really helpful to talk about it and helps me take some distance with what just happened!

krishnidoux

Veteran

Wow, writing this I just realized I had two flings with two men from my past in the past two years.

The first one, more than a year ago, was an old high school sweetheart who reemerged on FB. We had a passionate, short fling during which he showered me with compliments about how I dressed. But he turned out to be borderline crazy and Mister Cheapskates par excellence (would stop more than once when out driving to put gas in his car, each time putting the smallest possible amounts...).

This last guy, I had not really thought about it until now, was also tied to my past. We were just "friends" for years and years, but when I moved out of DH 's house here he was at my (new) door with flowers... I really fell for his charming crooked smile and cowboy style. He never really commented on my clothes, except now.

I am going to try not to date guys from my past from now on.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Wow, this is quite a blow. No wonder you are hurt and confused. Even if you were ready to break up yourself, it is still tough to hear the judgement in his remarks.

The phrase "too much" is always a flag, isn't it. No woman wants to hear she is "too much" in any way, shape, or form. Lots of bad baggage in that set of words.

It does sound as if there were irreconcilable differences from the start. Maybe you need somebody in between the bohemian artist (with a penchant for expensive photography) and the (better off, but possibly less interesting?) diplomat.

Such people are not easy to find, alas.

krishnidoux

Veteran

Lol Suz your wise and kind words are full of therapy and mending for my heart right now. Yes, "too much" is such a judgement. It rings to the idea that as a woman, one should never take "too much" space, "too much" place. I took a good look and really, I can say in confidence that I do not own too much clothes (else I am wrong about a lot of other things in life!).

MsMary

Veteran

When he says "you have too many clothes," what he means is "I want to break up with you and I feel like I have to come up with a reason... uh... you have too many clothes." Or, at best, "you have more clothes than the amount of clothing I am comfortable with my partner having."

It's not about you, or whether you have an appropriate amount of clothing. It's about him and what he's comfortable with. You're entitled to as many clothes as you like, and he's entitled to be comfortable with that number or not.

But my money is on "it's just the first excuse that came to him, off the top of his head."

crutcher

Veteran

I totally agree with Ms. Mary..His response was just an excuse...He could have said, "I can't go out with you anymore because you love dogs too much or eat peanut butter with your toast or wake up happy"...This dude was looking for the door and whichever excuse he needed to get him out, was the one he used...
Count yourself LUCKY....Don't waste an even milo-second wondering what he meant...He is obviously not worth it...Give a big cheer that you are out of it...

krishnidoux

Veteran

Mary you are right, it is not me, it has nothing to do with the amount of clothes I have. It's him, not me. I am entitled to my clothes, he his entitled to his dislike of it.

But I just never ever thought having clothes could be men-repellent.

It's true he might have said that out spite, but here is what I think happened, now:

He probably, at one point during the 5 months, noticed I had lots of clothes compared to earlier girlfriends, who were probably most likely bohemians, free-thinkers and REER-less like him. And he probably then thought to himself that these clothes, his perceived abundance of them, was a turn-off, but didn't say anything because the sex was good. Men. But now that we were having a difficult conversation, he sensed I was going to break up or something, and decided to go first and picked the first "turn-off" that came up to his mind.

Still, if this is what happened, it still means that too much clothes could be men repellent.

krishnidoux

Veteran

Crutcher thank you, this is true, and his reaction to a "real" conversation just proved that it wasn't a viable relationship. Thank you for reminding me, I need it.

Liz

Veteran

I honestly don't think the clothes are the issue or that that clothes are a man-repellent. I think the clothes were an example of the issue, which appears to be divergent ideas about what makes for a good lifestyle.

MsMary

Veteran

ANYTHING is going to be man-repellent to some man! Too many clothes! Not enough clothes! You're too quiet! You're too outgoing! You drink too much! You don't drink enough! You are too independent! You're too clingy!

Honestly, if a guy really truly thinks "too many clothes" is a deal-breaker, then quite plainly he's not the guy for somebody who loves clothes. Period.

carter

Veteran

Good riddance! I don't mean to sound harsh. I know endings can be tough, but honestly, the only thing worse than him breaking up with you now is him divorcing you 20 years from now.

I think his "reason" is his own hang up and not worth time or energy. Move on, and find someone more worthy of your awesomeness.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Oh good heavens. His loss. It's hurtful and leaves a bad taste in your mouth nonetheless, Krish. Hang in there. Please don't doubt the good place your head and heart have been in over the last six months. Off to yoga you go, and hang in there. Much love. xo

Kim

Veteran

What MsMary said!

It's actually a pretty funny, (and lame) statement...

Dude! At least come up with a better "break up line" at 55!!

How about "It's not you, it's me..."

Oh wait, that's MY line!! LOL

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I am nodding along with Laura, Suz, and Mary. Onward to someone better for you.

I totally understand how something like that stings. I'm reminded of a man I dated for about a year before we broke up, when he called me "materialistic" and said he didn't think I had enough of a spiritual life (what he meant, I suspect, was that I was not a member of the church he grew up with, even though he was not much of an active church-goer!). I called him on that, saying that if something like religion was so important to him, he should have brought it up WAY sooner in the relationship. The fact that he mentioned that as some sort of deal breaker -- after a year together! -- said to me that there was something else going on. I liked clothes and still do, but there's a heck of a lot more to me than that, and if he couldn't see that after nearly a year together, we were NOT meant to be.

There is someone MUCH better for you out there! Hugs.

Beth Ann

Veteran

So sorry, Krish. I agree with your assessment that your closet is hardly excessive for a modern woman. That's a non-issue.

It sounds to me like you are still finding your new lifestyle in your new place. Focusing on becoming your best self has got to be a good recipe for healthy relationships.

When I hear things like this, it makes me think that human beings should devote a bit more care and attention to breaking up, or quitting a job, or telling anyone something that they know will be hard to hear. How about, "I'm really grateful for what we've shared and I want to say thank you for sharing the past 5 months with me. Let's part with good memories best wishes for the future." Then, when the other party asks for reasons why, perhaps we can talk about ourselves -- our plans, our own weaknesses, and not criticize. What's the point in criticizing at goodbye? So sorry he failed the character test at the end, but then I'm glad you found out before spending more of your life on him!

Caro in Oz

Veteran

I'm speechless. I understand that you are hurt by his comments but standing on the outside it just sounds like a stupid comment from a frightened man Take care of yourself.

krishnidoux

Veteran

I'll say it again: God bless this forum. Thanks for all your kind, very therapeutic words tonight. It's good to realize it's not me, and that I am not defective for any reason, especially not for what I wear and how I dress, or even how I store my clothes.

bj1111

Veteran

sounds like you're sorted. too bad great sex came in such a crazy package.

deb

Veteran

My thought is that the issue of clothing is just a symbol of his fear. In essence, his feelings for you were too much for him. I wonder if this is always the way he runs away from relationships.

Sharon

Veteran

I always find it amusing that these bohemian, free-spirited types can be so judgemental! Like you can be wild and free, as long as you do it in a way they approve of. I think the fact that he fails to perceive clothing and fashion as a form of artistic expression is a clear indication of the limitations of his creative vision. He has no rights to the moral high ground here, as much as it sounds like he wants to claim them.

krishnidoux

Veteran

Sharon, such a good point!

Suz

(website)

Veteran

I had to pop back in to add another thought that came up, I think, as I read Janet's response.

Another reason this stings is that for anyone who has self-identified as an artist, it feels even MORE hurtful to be accused of being too materialistic. It is a much bigger insult than it would be, say, for someone who identifies primarily as a businessperson. It is a very unkind thing to say in any circumstances, and the more so now.

HUGS!!!!

Sveta

(website)

Veteran

Oh Krish - hugs! It is hurtful but I thisnk this is the case when "better soner than forever" - and a good riddance. The guy is insecure at 55 - enough said!
Don't you even dare to think there is something wrong with you - NO! Everything is wrong with him!!!
I second Angie's suggestion of yoga to empty your mind of all that...more hugs!

tulle

Veteran

I agree with Ms. Mary, too: no man who is deeply in love breaks up with a woman over clothes! A man whose heart is not really committed, however, will look for excuses to break up, and may come up with one as silly as that. You deserve much better than this fellow.

krishnidoux

Veteran

Your insights are very clever.

Suz, yes, it does sting in that way... what really hurts is that he probably had this thought some time while we were dating, but didn't express anything when we could have talked it out. I feel almost cheated. When I had thoughts about him and money or lifestyle, I did not hesitate to bring it up - each time he would end the conversation fast, I now realize.

Sveta, it didn't occur to me that his reaction could stem from insecurity on his part, but now that you mention it, it makes sense.

Tulle, yes, it is good to be reminded that maybe his love was superficial, if he even brings the clothes up into the conversation at such a definitive moment. It's hard for me to swallow, but in the end, that is what it is.

Angie, thank you for suggesting yoga! I already do regularly, but will certainly not skip in the next days.

Janet, I am so sorry for what happened to you. And you are right, we are so much more than a clothing issue. How reductive. The two questions are disproportionate, which indicates there is a problem with the guy in both cases (yours and mine).

Janet

(website)

Veteran

Krish, your comment about feeling cheated is exactly right! You just articulated perfectly the same feeling I had. Like, really, this is some issue for you and you've never brought it up before when we could actually talk through it and you could hear how I actually feel? No, none of us needs a partner like that! You are better off, my dear, and deserve someone much more open and willing to love you for who you are.

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