WIW: To the Juvenile Detention Facility - YouLookFab Forum

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WIW: To the Juvenile Detention Facility

JAileen

Veteran

I'm a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate) for two siblings. They were both in foster care, until one ran away several months ago. She was arrested a week ago and I visited her in the juvenile detention facility today. I had never been there before.

I know this outfit isn't fab. I do try to look ordinary around my kids. I thought it was elevated a little by my trendy 20 year old Birkies and my vintage Coach bag. But unfortunately my bag was locked up while I was visiting the child. Because I am a CASA I was allowed to take paper and pen with me in the room where we visited. Relatives are not allowed to have a weapon like object with them like a pen. Who knew?

It a depressing visit.

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31 replies

Latest reply was from JAileen

Alana in Canada

(website)

Veteran

I am sorry your visit was so depressing. The top is cheery though!

LACeleste

Veteran

I'm sorry the visit was tough. For kids in that situation, I'm sure being present means more than presentation. You look nice and the colors are great together. Shoes are fab and so are you. Sorry about the circumstances.

deb

Veteran

This sounds rough. The bag looks great, though.

kellygirl

Veteran

I can't imagine how difficult that must have been. I think "ordinary" and tidy is a good look to aim for--I prefer to blend in myself Your birkies are on trend--no one but us has to know they are almost vintage! Same goes for the bag. Sending good thoughts your way!

rachylou

Veteran

That's a nice, informal outfit. Being ghetto preppie myself, um... I note, I hope you won't mind me saying, it reeks privilege. I just mention it because I don't know if you're going for accessibility or modeling good citizenship... but it supports the latter more.

Anyways, yes, a pen is a deadly weapon.

What was depressing about the visit?

JAileen

Veteran

Thanks, Alana, LACeleste, Deb, and Kellygirl.

Rachylou, your comments are always welcome. I've never heard of Ghetto preppie before. I'm not offended or anything. How am I reeking privilege? A tee, baggy cropped pants, old Birkies? Would sandals have been better? I try for accessibility AND good citizenship. I've been this child's CASA for 3 1/2 years, so we do go back a bit.

The depressing part was seeing her denying her bad choices, throwing away her potential. This child is very smart academically, and who I really thought could go anywhere she wanted to. She could have gotten big scholarships for college. Now she's a dropout. It will take a miracle to get her off the road she has started down.

rachylou

Veteran

Well, I think *I* invented the term Ghetto Preppie, haha! It's the Punk-Prep connection for the new millennium, haha!

Anyways - that weight tee in a solid, non-pastel colour; khaki knee pants, birks, and vintage Coach is a pure preppy look. The downtrodden have the little logo fabric Coach crossbodies. And the tees and knee pants from dd's have very different fabric weight/texture and colour range. Desired fit is also quite different.

It's a hard road. To be honest, my DD is like that (more properly speaking she was my ward). She graduated high school and started at the local CC, but she's gone off the rails. Her genetic family is always creating crises; she runs off in all directions trying to respond. She needs to find herself, and just put one foot in front of the other. This is not a clear choice, because it does mean chucking a fundamental social value on some level - and that's family. So, you know...

I'd be interested to know what your girl sees her choices as being, what rules and standards she applies.

JAileen

Veteran

Ok, then there wasn't much I could have done about my outfit this morning. Because most of my wardrobe looks like this (I have seven tees like this in various colors).

In our training, they say things like don't take your Jag when you visit the foster home. We all laugh because we have Subarus and Toyotas - very middle class. BUT, to a child who lived in a motel room rented by the week, even a Subaru might seem pretty fancy. As I dressed this morning I wanted to look just nice enough that the people in charge would treat me nicely, and also, as you say, be accessible. So, for example, I didn't wear fancy jewelry. I don't think this child has any idea of what preppie is. I'm not preppie (I didn't wear a polo shirt, did I?) but I am kind of traditional.

This child thinks that because her record will be wiped clean when she turns 18, that it's all a lark. Also, I wasn't afraid of her and the pen. She's not violent.

Thistle

Veteran

Wow. You are strong women. I can't even imagine . . . Kids are so hard to raise as it is.

Anyway, you look solid yet approachable to me. Someone I would see at my local grocery store. I mean that in a good way.

Makes me realize how important the second chance program we sponsor at work is. We bring in troubled high school kids through the program and help teach them job skills while they get through school. We "sponsor" the kids by giving them the opportunity and paying them and the program. These kids will probably never go to college, but they work with machinists and other skilled tradesmen to show them another path.

JAileen

Veteran

Thistle, I'm so happy to hear about your company's program! I wish we had something like that here. I think it might have been a possibility for the other child. He's not strong academically and thinks he'll get into pro sports.

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

Pens are definitely deadly; I'm glad they let you have one. When we go into do assessments, we bring nothing with us - just our memories - it's tough, but we learn to manage.

Love the bag with your cheerful top, though; vintage Coach has a beautiful smooth style.

avicennia

Veteran

So impressed by the wisdom and sincerity in this thread.

rachylou

Veteran

Oh interesting, JAileen. I was imagining the family member would do something violent with the pen.

That's true about being a child who lived in a motel room rented by the week. Also, Subarus and Toyotas are upscale - they're upper middle class / lower upper class / upper class. The discreet set drive them. That's not what folks drive in the ghetto. In the ghetto, it's Ford, Cadillac, Kia, Nissan and, wait for it... BMW. Lower and middle middle class might drive Toyotas, but they don't do Subaru. It's very interesting to me. It's not just about money. A lot of it is purely a matter of identity.

Oh in case you were wondering: After upper class, comes filthy rich. The filthy rich may or may not be preppy, because that takes class.

And news bulletin: Developing ghetto car trend - The Land Rover. Yes. The Escalade is on the wane.

Firecracker (Sharan)

Veteran

I have thought about CASA volunteers--I linked up students my writing class with the organization one year a long time ago, to do a community writing project--and thought it sounded extremely interesting, challenging, and rewarding. Your outfit looks nice and unremarkable all at once. I do like those vintage Coach bags.

JAileen

Veteran

Thanks, Lyn. Of course I know a pen could be deadly, but I was surprised that I was allowed while others were not. I think CASAs are classified like attorneys. Thank goodness, because my memory is bad! I think they're afraid a family member will give it to the incarceree, to do something with it later, maybe.

Avicennia, I'm always impressed by the great people on this forum.

Firecracker, I like your description of my outfit!

Rachylou, your description of ghetto cars is fascinating. I live in snow country so the cars here skew to four wheel drive, especially since most of the side roads don't get plowed for days, if at all. Subaru is considered reliable and unostentacious. Practical people drive them. I don't know anyone who drives a Cadillac. Fancy people here drive Lexuses. I have a friend who has one and it is nice. But so is our Toyota.

I was at Whole Foods yesterday (right after I stopped in at Goodwill) and was parked next to a young woman and her little baby in a black Mercedes SUV. I thought about that as I was driving home. When I had a little baby I couldn't have dreamed of buying a Mercedes!

Jaime

(website)

Veteran

Jaileen it is wonderful you are doing this and I am sure it is incredibly difficult. Rachy your observations are fascinating. I doubt most people would appreciate Jaileen trying to copy their dress or car styles, do you agree?

rachylou

Veteran

shevia, I totally agree people have no idea.

Jaileen, it's incredibly fascinating to me. I lived in the ghetto for 15 years. It was sort of an accident. I got this apartment right on the border - or I should say just one step too far on the wrong side of the border. The place is behind where Mark Zuckerburg lives now. What separates Mark from the ghetto is a creek, and he's trying to get the bridge across it removed. The experience was mind-expanding, if not mind blowing. I cannot tell you how isolating it is, when you'd think you could just go across the bridge - Mark hasn't gotten it taken down yet after all. I mean to begin with... the children. They didn't know they were citizens of the United States. That as adults they'd have the right, let alone the duty, to vote. One of my mini freakouts was being called *the white lady.* Just on and on, it went like that. And really, Mark and the police are on the other side to escort you back over. You can't go far crossing the bridge.

And ok, I admit the Cadillac is on the wane... but the Escalade is a Cadillac and that had a little spike in the 2000s. Also, I think Subaru is considered reliable and un-ostentatious everywhere - but I'll tell you we only saw Subarus on one side of the creek. They are definitely also a tribal marker. I'll tell you a story - so I drive a beat up old VW station wagon because I'm ghetto preppy. It had "mud" splashed all over it - actually paint that looked like mud. So I pull into the gas station (highest prices in the ghetto btw), and this double-O says to me, "That must be a Subaru." And I'm like, "What? No no..." And then I remember my "mud" and we just have the biggest ol' crack up.

Anyways, I had to look it up. Snowiest city in the U.S. last year was Fort Wayne, Indiana. A Subaru Outback there, two-years old with 24,000 miles, is $18+ K private party sale. Minimum wage there is $7.25 an hour. If you have a minimum wage job, you'd be lucky to get 35 hours a week - so your gross a week would be $253 a week. Maybe you've got an apartment for $400. That's $600 and change for everything else to come out of - childcare, food, gas or transportation, utilities, medical, car insurance, car repair. I'm thinking you're just gonna get some snow tires and food stamps. It's also really interesting to see what cars people are trying to sell there on Craigslist.

Mercedes is fascinating. I'm not entirely sure who drives Mercedes anymore. Affluent norm core?

VW and Audi, btw, are *flash within limits.* Fun, but not embarrassingly fun. My new neighborhood is all VW, Audi, Subaru, Prius, and - wait for it... Fiat.

rachylou

Veteran

Ok. Sorry. Totally off topic. Back to clothes...

RB

I like firecracker's description of nice and unremarkable all at once (in a good way). I'd also add that it makes you look approachable and human while at the same time not denying who you are (i.e. you don't look contrived). I think this is so important in environments like correctional facilities which can be so dehumanising.

JAileen

Veteran

Thanks Shevia, RB.

Rachylou, were you in East Palo Alto? Years ago my brother lived in Palo Alto, but the part that was not in the Palo Alto school district. When they had a baby they moved to Menlo Park for the schools. It was so long ago that I don't remember his address in Palo Alto.

My first job out of college was in South East Texas. It was like night and day compared to Southern Marin where I grew up.

christieanne

Veteran

That is good work you are doing. Tough but good. Hopefully the girls will realize that they have to change themselves because the system sure won't.
My mom worked in inner city school system for years and had the same dressing strategy - low key, kind of basic. But she had a school principal who dressed to the nines - her philosophy was that the kids would want to see her as a role model. Two different approaches for sure.
I would think the "role model" approach would only work once you knew the kids better.
Sometimes you have to go with your instinct. I would probably have worn jeans and a fairly basic top so I can relate to your plan.

JAileen

Veteran

Thanks, Christieanne. That's an interesting difference between your mother and the principal. When I have to go to court I dress up. And I wear jeans in winter, but it's too hot right now. After Rachylou assessed my summer outfit, I was surprised it came out so preppie.

rabbit

Veteran

JAileen, I wish the best for the young woman you visited. I have seen teenage girls turn their life around, in many cases once they have a child of their own and want different options for them. It's tricky, we are who we are and have different backgrounds, and different things read differently to different audiences. IMO all I can do when venturing into a new space is my best to be aware and observant and respectful.

I was nodding and chuckling along to a lot of Rachy's observations, especially the cars. (Subarus are for rich people in my world, unless they are from the eighties and have rust spots, and so are new Toyotas and Hondas). If in doubt, look at the cars most school teachers (not ones commuting from the suburbs) can afford to drive. I was reminded of a relative, a social worker who was getting really tired of having the windows of her old Dodge smashed parking outside her students' homes. She put a sign in the windows that said something like, 'I'm a social worker, I'm here to try to help kids and teenagers, there is no radio in this car, please stop breaking my windows as I can't afford to get them fixed, thank you and have a nice day.'

When I taught inner city high school I dressed up out of respect for the students, though most of my clothes were from Ross or thrift. (Actually I think I got most my first year of teaching outfits from the Goodwill bins -- linen pants, a cardigan, a shell blouse that needed buttons.) I'm pretty sure we were all aware of class/wealth issues at times (I am privileged, I had options and an education. Some of my students had a support network and an opportunity for second and third chances, some didn't). Also I'm sure there was a lot I missed, and luckily my students were kind and easily amused people for the most part, they went easy on me after the initial hazing.

Although there were some pretty funny moments. The looks of deep pity I got from the teenage girls when they saw that my wedding ring was a simple silver band (it was 30$). I think they asked some probing questions about my husband at that point just to make sure I wasn't being taken advantage of by a bum.

Anonymous

I think you made good choices. It's presentable, appropriate, approachable and something that you're comfortable in. The important thing is that you're there - doing your best and it's quite evident you care for her and want what's best for her - the most important thing.
I find the thread of the topic and where it went interesting. I think it moves into a whole area regarding presentation in things like clothing and also cars and the issue of fitting in or visual cues and making assumptions about others based on what they wear, what they drive and where they live. It also brings up the issue of stereotyping based on those factors. An interesting perspective to consider on a site related to clothing choices. But just wanted to commend you on what you're doing and the fact that you cared enough to think about what would be the best thing to wear in this situation.

rachylou

Veteran

Yep. I was in EPA. Was your brother there in the '80s? Maybe he was on the creek too? The post calls that part Palo Alto when it's EPA (a factor in my accidental move-in). I was on the Red side of town... and on that note, good of you to bring up stereotyping, Gwennie. It's an interesting issue, because you have to discern when things are coming down to tribal marks and when to keep your stereotypes in check. Living on the Red side of town - well, you not only watch out for people in Blue, you also keep an eye out for who's in Red. These are not people you want to stand next to on the street and shoot the breeze with, because your chances of catching a stray bullet rise with every passing minute. Maybe they're gangbanging. Maybe they're just bold. On that matter, you shouldn't jump to any conclusions and tell stories to the cops. However, they are in colours - best not to get in the line of fire.

My new 'hood: Man, everyone is a putz. Once upon a time it was a coloured neighborhood (Italian and Black). It's been gentrified. These people see the few old timers left, and they call the cops. It's incredibly, disgustingly rude. There's no community with these people; all you've got is neighbors trying to spend your money. It's one of those neighborhoods where the gentrifiers have hired rent-a-cops. Its hard not to roll eyes when clueless hipsters stage protests against gentrification. On the other hand, they still have a point even though they don't know what they're talking about.

Anonymous

I grew up in the city. I find often even specific terms like ghetto, are things that people who live there would not define as where they live. I've lived in places that others might term a ghetto, but it's not how i or my neighbors would have referred to it. It's interesting in terms of not only the issue of stereotyping by others but even a matter of how one regards oneself. If others see you that way then is that how you should be? So many pressures on young people too, and sometimes so little support to find their own personal identity and in regard to the group as you noted, and what is around them. All interesting things to consider.

rachylou

Veteran

Hehe. When I was in the suburbs, all this urban territory where I live now - all ghetto as far as the suburbanites were concerned. And of course the urbanites roll their eyes and call them marks (which, I don't know, maybe means the urbanites are ghetto, private security or not).

EPA - definitely ghetto to everyone, inside and out.

Identity is incredibly important. If you don't identify with something, it might as well not exist. I took this class once and sat next to this guy with an incredible voice. Every day he walked past this community theatre. People kept telling him he should go audition there, and he was all, *What theatre?* And then he got it into his head that it was some kind of American Idol set up and he didn't do that sort of thing. He sang gospel. The place just didn't register with him on any level.

JAileen

Veteran

Rabbit, thank you for your very interesting comments. Here (intermountain west) lots of teachers have Subarus. I wonder why it's different here? I agree with you in dressing to show respect for the children. That's also why I dress up for court. Funny about your wedding ring. I don't have a fancy engagement ring. I guess people feel sorry for me, too!

Gwennie, thank you for your observations. I'm finding this fascinating, too.

Rachylou, my brother lived there in the late 70s. I wish I could remember his street. After Menlo Park they eventually moved to Portola Valley. Now that's a fancy neighborhood. A lot of people there have "horse property".

Related to the guy who misunderstood the theater, I worked with a woman who told me she was afraid to go into the Eddie Bauer store because she thought it was too expensive. So she had never gone in it.

Ariadne

Veteran

Thank you for what you do for those kids. <3

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