I came across this article about how girls do more chores and get paid less. Worth a read.

http://thesocietypages.org/soc.....p-at-home/

I did not read the whole thread but, I think at this age helping around the house is a good thing, focus on school work is the primary thing.

I didn't have a chance to read all replies, so my apologies if I'm repeating.

I love to use these types of opportunities to teach my kids about balance and how they need to be actively involved in seeking balance in their own lives. I'd sit down with her and have her map out her responsibilities. Then I'd brainstorm with her on how she could minimize the drain that some of her particular activities cause her (packing lunch the night before, having you buy some prepackaged snack things, moving the laundry bin, arranging which night she does the washing up, a new silverware tray, etc.)

Adolescence is a great time to teach them to listen to their bodies, know when they are doing too much and know how to readjust when they're there. My highschool daughter becomes overwhelmed from time to time and I love that we get to problem solve this together, because these are skills she will use when she is juggling a job, kids, hobbies and a spouse.

I wasn't as good as I wanted to be in enforcing chores, but I did not think my kids were overworked! It's more a societal thing that kids' time gets channeled to school plus fun stuff and expectation that adults do all the other work.

I agree it's ideal if you can brainstorm together on the idea that it's "citizenship" as well as learning activities needed to be a successful adult. These vary with age of child, so that older teen may be learning (and paying for) car maintenance, paying bills while younger kids simpler chores. Maybe certain kids prefer certain chores (not that they're "coddled", but again, finding ways to use talents and preferences.
And maybe it's hokey, but I always liked the idea of, if we all get the house cleaned up together, we can go for pizza and movie (or at home)--anyway, tying in how you work and you play, everyone gets to do that.

Since all families are different, it is indeed about balance. Does each family member have time for school, work, play, downtime, and the mundane and necessary chores? What is each family member's "bad day" or long day and can we all work around those?

Are there chores that are created by having too much stuff, too complicated systems? Cook once/eat twice; not thousands of toys to put away; 10 min pickup daily instead of monster clean up on the weekend. Different things like that.

One of the best reasons I ever noted for having kids do a reasonable amount of chores is that you like your kids more when they do, and you end up wanting to do more for them (maybe in other ways). It's quite true, it's very positive for relationships.

I think unfrumped makes good points. I was aware as a kid that it was about 'fairness' to all family members that the chores were shared, and I felt that. Also I mildly enjoyed most of them, or the sense of accomplishment and a tidy house that went with them, and that's carried over to my adult live pretty much. There is something very zen about the simple physical labor of daily life.

Elpgal: interesting (and infuriating, and also somewhat unsurprising) graph and article.

Well I am sorry to have (as I so often do) taken so long to get back to this thread. Please be assured that I have pondered everyone's input a great deal. I am not sure I can manage to respond to you all individually but
I thought Id update you a little on what DH and I are thinking about the way forward.
Firstly I have ascertained that the main problem with her getting behind with her housework was 2 busy weekends with no time. This weekend was quieter and she has caught up. I also did a washing load for her this morning and have done a bit more of chucking her stuff in with the loads I do. But officially, we are not changing her tasks, just adding a bit more mercy for busier times. She does after all have an opt-out option for several of her tasks already.

I am also working with her to try and get to bed earlier.

We've been talking about time management for her homework and she does have some ideas for it. DH and I think we need to spend more time working with her on this. It isn't her daily homework that is causing the late nights - it is the projects, usually powerpoint presentations.We think we need to help her be efficient about how much time to spend on this. I think I'll also ask her teacher about this, and the general expectation for time spent on homework.
DD thinks that she might not be eating enough breakfast. She has an egg most days, sometimes with a cooked tomato and she says it fill her up but she thinks maybe it isn't actually enough, especially since she get hungry again in the evenings.

anne, sounds like a very sensible and loving approach. Mercy, plus expectations, plus attention to her health and her energy levels (time for meals and sleep) and including her in the problem-solving, and the teacher. What a great mom!

I agree with unfrumped. Sounds like you've kept your head on

This is tangential - but my dd, when she first got her own place with roommates, she thought filling the fridge and doing more chores counted for something. Like she should get a discount in her share of the rent, and such arrangements work like family ( whoops!). I had the same sort of mistaken idea when I was young (not about my share of rent, tho, ha!). But I thought sharing a space meant you should do things together, like eat together. On the one hand, it's a little bad I trained her to be just like me, with my faults. On the other hand, I don't know. I am family oriented and prefer it that way...

In our household, education has always been top priority. Housework takes a back seat. That said, my children have been expected to keep their bedrooms clean, clean their respective bathrooms, and help with general housework such as dusting and vacuuming since they were about age 10. They are older now, and do their own laundry plus cook for themselves. I could ask them to do more, of course, but all of them have had heavy course loads (advanced classes). The ones who are in college also work part-time.

What my DH and I never did was pay them to do chores or pay them for making good grades. We do not pay for things children are expected to do in the first place.