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Sudden realization: low EQ!

Aziraphale

Veteran

The other day there was a post (I can't remember which one) where somebody commented about how Angie has a high EQ. I thought, yes, she does. She anticipates people's feelings and reactions, and always frames her comments to be as supportive and inclusive as possible. And then I realized that many, many women on this forum are the same. And THEN I had the sudden, shameful realization that I'm probably not one of them. I've never really thought about it before, but it may be that I have a low EQ.

Don't get me wrong. I'm nice, I really am. And I've got other good qualities -- I'm patient, resourceful, analytical and fiercely loyal to friends. On this forum, I've never seen the point in not being honest in my comments, although I do try to be diplomatic. But if I've ever made a comment that has come off as flip or insensitive, just know that it's not intentional. It's just that I've always had a hard time discussing "feelings", I prefer humour to heart-to-heart talks, and I tend to see things in a problem/solution framework.

The thing is, women are "supposed to" have high emotional intelligence. If I were a man, I'm sure I'd seem perfectly normal and not insensitive at all.

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26 replies

Latest reply was from Aziraphale

Anonymous

There is no shame in your game, Az. You call them like you see them, and I admire that. I've always found your comments on point and refreshing, even when I don't agree. Give me straight talk, every time. (I'm not much of a touchy-feely person, I guess.) Keep it coming!

deb

Veteran

I like the way you say what you think and I never think what you post as mean. But, I would not say you have low EQ, either. It is so hard to make the distinction here because writing is less emotional to me and because I cannot hear the vocal changes and see body the language.

JAileen

Veteran

I had to laugh, because your comment reminded me of me! I will say, Angie is very, very kind, always finding something nice to say. I like people like that. I'm not like that though. I used to joke that my husband was a better person than me. And then someone said, "He's not a better person than you, he's just a nicer person than you." Wow.

Anyway, I like your comments, too.

rachylou

Veteran

Lol, JAileen. That's a whopper comment. Now the question is - did that person have a high or low EQ?

Mostly I think of EQ as knowing how to get the best out of people. And frankly, sometimes that takes a little turning of the screws. It's also not always done with words. One of the things about the bakery - the office makes the HR lady run all meetings. This is a huge mistake. One, because she's not core operations. She gets involved with matters she can't address ... Like underproofed dough ... and then everything becomes a matter of personal behavior. Second, HR are the poor unfortunate people who cancel the dress up Christmas party and replace it with the anemic parking lot BBQ and are obliged to say 'Isn't this fun?' when it's obviously torture. Leadership requires the leader to feel good and calm, which spreads by contagion. HR is never in a position to do that. Doesn't matter what our poor HR lady says or how she says it. She's the wrong department.

JAileen

Veteran

Rachy, I think she was kidding.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Kidding or not...it's got an edge to it.

Rachy, your response (does the commenter have low or high EQ) TOTALLY cracked me up. That is my belly laugh for the week. Thank you.

(Um, but I'm sorry that happened, JAileen).

As for you, Elisabeth, I would say that if you had extremely low EQ the thought would never occur to you.

And it takes different kinds of people to make for interesting discussion. So it's great that different forum members bring different gifts.

rachylou

Veteran

Oh, I get it now. Lol. Funny friend!

crazyone

Veteran

Elisabeth, this is quite funny to me because I am in many ways quite similar, but I think of myself as generally having a high EQ, not a low one, so I doubt you are low EQ either. I tend to be on the blunt side, and do tend to be the friend offering solutions rather than *only* empathetically listening, but on the other hand, friends rely on me a LOT to discuss feelings--I'm often the one people call up or have a late night conversation with when they're feeling down or having interpersonal issues.

I do try to always take into consideration other people's motivations and how they might feel, but I am not as constantly positive as some of my other friends. So I tend to characterize myself as "less nice" than some of my friends, but I don't think that has much to do with EQ. For example, one of my friends is extremely nice and always very positive and sees the best in people, but she's often oblivious to the emotions of people around her.

Style Fan

Veteran

I have not experienced you as having low EQ. I like people who are direct. I also find that how someone comes across in this format is probably very different than how they come across in person. Lots of communication is nonverbal.
I also agree with Suz. If you did have low EQ the thought of having it would never have occurred to you.

Aziraphale

Veteran

Y'all are very kind, but I suspect my EQ really is on the low side. I mean, I'm not on the autism spectrum, but unlike you, crazyone, I am not the one people make late-night phone calls to when they want to talk things out! I never know what to say. I'm not sure that I "read" social situations all that well, or that I'm particularly sensitive to nuances in body language or facial expression. I'm good with small talk, but only because I've learned over the years how to ask the right questions to get conversation going. I have lots of lively conversation because there is always so many interesting topics and lord knows I've got opinions (!!), but when it comes to talking about people, I'm often at a bit of a loss. I smile a lot, and people laugh with me, but I'm very slow to make friends and apparently (I have been told this more than once) I have a sort of "guard" up that makes people wary of getting close. As a result, I have lots of acquaintances, but few close bonds.

It's OK though. We all have weaknesses. If this is one of mine, so be it.

Dee

Veteran

I really appreciate this post and your perspective. I'm definitely in the low EQ camp. It's particularly obvious in personality tests for me, where it always says that I always value data and results over relationships. And it's not that I don't value relationships, but I am blunt and don't always realize other people want more emotion in their discussions or decision making process. I have a few close friends who I value very highly, but like you, I tend to be come across as wary and/or standoffish at first and can have trouble making new close friends.

crazyone

Veteran

Aziraphale, you're probably right that we are different in that regard. The being blunt thing+offering solutions thing resonated with me, but yeah, helping people talk things out is practically my second career.

I do sometimes have my male friends tell me, "talking to you is like talking to a man" which is a weird thing to be told but more than one person has said it to me. I think I code-switch a lot...so I adopt a slightly more stereotypically masculine way of speaking with men than when I speak with women.

My sense of EQ scale is skewed by being surrounded by men in science...lots of low EQ around me. I'm sure you're fine!

Jules

Veteran

I hear you. I have especially bad EQ "in the moment". I can usually figure out a the right thing to say (or at least a good thing to say) in an online forum or when a friend seeks me out to hash something out. But when shit hits the fan I almost never have the right words in the moment. This happened to me over the weekend in fact - I tried to commiserate but could have helped defuse. In retrospect I could see clearly what I *should* have said.
I had a good friend once who was both high EQ and fairly blunt. If the blunt opinions are insightful and delivered with caring, I don't think blunt is in itself low EQ. I do know people who use their "honesty" as a weapon but I don't think that's you at all!

catgirl

Veteran

Is it weird that I have no idea where I fall?

I know my sister is high EQ to the point of being deeply charismatic. Her many friends each consider themselves her best friend. She exudes genuine warmth and makes people feel like they are heard and esteemed, whether or not she thinks so. And as Rachy said, they eat out of her hand. Girl gets it done.

I was not always an extrovert and I remember her saying to me "it's not that people don't like you, it's that you don't like them." That struck a chord. But I don't think it's true today. I'm just not willing to gloss and smile for the sake of appearances alone - give me substance and I'm all in.

Az, whether you are high or low EQ, you're certainly insightful and self-aware.

rachylou

Veteran

My cousin is like your sister, Una. Everyone feels she's their best friend according to all reports. Her Christmas card list is huge. I wish I could be a fly on the wall because I've never seen this side of her. She's younger than me and we never spoke really until she had her son and I guess we had something to talk about...or well, started playing board games all together. My little cousin loves games and man, he always wins!

Anonymous

I love your forum replies, Az! As Una says, you are wise and aware. And I agree that Angie's high EQ and psychology background make her a perfect person to run this forum.

Anonymous

Was responding to something Aliona said that has since been removed.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Una, having met you, I would say, high EQ for sure.

catgirl

Veteran

Thanks, Suz! I appreciate you saying so (and BTW, with all the introvert conversations, I am so glad you made it to the film in Toronto and the after-party!).

The interesting thing is that I feel like my EQ, whatever it is, comes from a deeply rational place - much like the way I decided to have a child. I love to listen to people (good thing in my profession) and I feel real empathy for others (and animals!), but it's out of a certain intellectual curiosity, wanting to be challenged and engaged yet apart, like an anthropologist.

I don't think a low EQ is a negative thing, BTW - just a characteristic to be reckoned with like a high EQ or any other trait.

Greyscale

Veteran

I think I fall more on the side that Una and others are discussing. I am good at sensing what might upset others and accommodating them. But I'm not the one who gets late-night calls from friends, for sure. I'm standoffish and don't always relate well (in a classic nerd way). I have a much easier time with "guy" friendships based on shared activities. I like Una's line about her EQ coming from a deeply rational and curious place. And now I want to meet all of you in person!

Gaylene

Veteran

I wouldn't be too sure about your having a low EQ, Elisabeth. The whole theory of "EQ" is considered a bit murky by many academics since there is little validity or reliability in many of the studies that are used to support the theory.

For what it's worth, EQ is commonly used to refer to a set of social skills relating to emotions in oneself and others. The key areas are empathy, ability to recognize emotions in others, and self-regulation of one's own emotions. Listening to friends late at night and avoiding conflict are quite different skills.

An ability to be rational and to avoid emotional outbursts actually scores high on many EQ tests, as does the ability to problem solve and generate insights. Oddly enough, many "nice" people can score quite low on EQ tests, which usually comes as a shock to them and others!

Sara L.

Veteran

I'm not sure where I am on the EQ scale. People do come talk to me - sometimes it's annoying when a co-worker camps out in my office to talk - but I don't think I'm particularly empathetic. I have friends who are nurses and that would never ever be me. I'm annoyed when people are sick, even my DH and kids. I'm caring and solicitous for about a day and then I just want to tell them to suck it up.

Aziraphale

Veteran

Gaylene -- thanks for explaining. I confess I don't know a lot about EQ or how it's measured. (From what I understand, even IQ is tricky to measure). I'm good at regulating my own emotions, but not so good at recognizing them, if that makes sense. I feel nothing when I should be feeling something, and it's often obvious to other people that I'm emotionally reacting to things.

I'm also not good at anticipating other people's needs.

LACeleste

Veteran

Hi. You come across as extremely smart, honest , and nice and I think you make many valuable contributions to this community. Correct me if I'm wrong but aren't you an INTJ in Myers Briggs typology? I remember reading a post about this a while ago and identified with you because I am an INTJ too. Female INTJs are very rare and have an interesting way of relating to the world. I'm on my phone now and can't check the archives so if I am mistaken about your type, I'm sorry. In any case, I relate to a lot of what you write and am also impressed by those among us with effortless high EQ.

Staysfit

Veteran

Oh my, the EQ question! This is much easier to determine in person right! Personally, I think my EQ fell yesterday when I insulted a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes and compared them to 50th wedding anniversary layer cake! Not exactly tactful! I'm not sure why my internal editor was on vacation. I'm so bad!

I think everyone has their moments where they say something they wish they hadn't and or maybe they shouldn't have. The key is whether you realize it and how you handle it afterwards. If you have no clue, then there's a real problem. Right? Not everyone is outgoing, charismatic or even tactful. Everyone is complex and interesting and we really cannot be neatly summed up by a psychological profile.

Aziraphale

Veteran

LACeleste -- that's interesting! So maybe that's why I have relatively few female friends (and quite a few male ones). Nice to know I have an INTJ buddy. I didn't know female ones were rare.

(I've never done an "official" Myers-Briggs test, but I've done a bunch of online ones -- not sure how accurate they are. It always comes up INTJ though -- or, one time, ENTJ. I think I'm a borderline introvert).

Staysfit, I do try to be diplomatic -- but I really have to work at it