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Starting Over - Help Please!!

claire

I'm starting over. I turned 50 a couple of weeks ago, and I've had some closure and reached a point in my injury where this is going to be my year of finding my "new normal", whatever that is going to be. I have donated all my work wardrobe - clothes, shoes and purses to Dress for Success as it doesn't look like going back to work is in my future, at least for a while, so at least I know all my great work clothes will be used by those who need them (eight boxes!!). Then I realized that everything with patterns or busy details was too overwhelming, so they all got boxed up and donated too. And now I just have no idea where to go from here.....

My old style was very casual, boho, layers, a bit sporty. Now everything feels too fussy and complicated and my brain just craves simplicity. I've been following all the minimalist threads, but they're not me, maybe I'm after uncomplicated instead? I know I love The Eileen Fisher esthetic, but what I have left is a closet full of jeans, sweaters and boots, but everything feels frumpy. Fabbers, where do I go from here? It's so frustrating to come this far to feel like I'm going backwards stylewise....

I know this is a really open ended question, and more of a rant really. And thank you if you've made it this far, I really appreciate any and all suggestions, experience and comments!

General

25 replies

Latest reply was from claire

DonnaF

Veteran

Jeans, sweaters, and boots sound fine, and EF actually has all three! Maybe you can think in terms of combining textures? That would provide interest without pattern and a lot of fussiness. Same with her varying hems with some sharkbite, others hi-lo, etc. I think she makes things so you can layer if you want.

Welcome to this new leg of your journey.

rachylou

Veteran

Do you think you'd like to move to the total EF aesthetic? Or do you enjoy wearing your jeans and sweaters?

Have you got a smart phone? You could go off and try some EF outfits, take some snaps, and come back home to ponder.

What are your major activities?

Caro in Oz

Veteran

First of all congratulations - it sounds like you've taken huge strides towards your "new" life

My advice is to take things slowly - it is a process. Find things (not necessarily clothes) that speak to you. Do you have a Pinterest account? I find mine great for inspiration.

Do you have any outfits/clothes that feel like the "you" you want to be? Do they have anything in common? Are there people whose style you admire - what can you take from them?

Sorry I have just given you a lot of questions

Angie's info is brilliant -

http://youlookfab.com/2012/04/.....sules-101/

& here are some great interpretations:

http://youlookfab.com/2013/09/.....the-forum/

bj1111

Veteran

First ...deep breath and go slow.

Parse what you like about the ef look.. The shapes, the colors, the drape...that might help you figure out what is missing currently .

And just do what Rachy says and try stuff on, take photos and see if you like how you look.

Alana in Canada

(website)

Veteran

My heart goes out to you. It is so difficult to adjust to a new normal--especially one we feel is not as good as the old normal.

I have absolutely no idea what my "style" is either. I think it is something which evolves over time. For example, I have been really happy in my summer clothes--and the stuff I have been collecting for a fall and winter wardrobe is not making me happy. I complained it was all too dark at one point--so I added some bright colour--and while that's OK--it didn't *click* for me until I wore one of my new deep red tops with my white jeans. It is, actually, white I am craving. My summer wardobe was all black and white. High contrast. My winter fall wardrobe is all black and dark grey. Blech. I really need to get rid of the grey--or change it to light grey. (I'm not sure about how I feel about white in winter.)

But there it is: I could not have discovered my preference for light colours and high contrast until I started shopping for Fall.

Rambling Ann

(website)

Veteran

Please don't think this idea a flip response to your injury, but when I stopped the 9-5 grind, I was lost for a pretty long time in gear land. What if you pretended for this next stage as if you were dressing on vacation? What did you used to wear that you loved on vacation? What would you pack if you were going on a trip to your climate? It helped me to think of post office life that way. Build a travel capsule but wear it now. Then when the season changes, build another.

I am also coming to appreciate a restricted palette of super happy colors. It helps sort down way too many retail choices pretty fast, so long as I stay with my plan.

The vivienne files blog series on starting over has some uncomplicated outfits built from a few starter items. Her strategy is pretty organized, which might help if getting started again seems overwhelming.

claire

DonnaF, I do have a couple of asymmetric hem sweaters from last year that I still like, so those are probably a good place to start, thnx.

Rachylou, I'm aiming for SAHM activities even though I'm not doing all of them yet. I have a busy DS so there's a lot of soccer and hockey practices, that kind of thing, super casual in rainy Vancouver so there's the practical side too. And I guess I still like my jeans and sweaters if I could find a way to make them feel less blah. You Know?

Thanks caro, I like the questions! I'll have to give them more thought. I tried Pinterest and got frustrated, so I've just been cruising everyone else's boards, mine ended up with style schizophrenia, it was all over the map. I thinks that's why I'm so frustrated, what I used to like I still like on others, but not on me anymore. What I like for me feels frumpy when I actually wear it. Weird right.

claire

Bj111, I think a trip to the EF store is coming up for a little try on session!

Thanks Alana, I've been following your journey, you are inspiring....

Rambling Ann, that's not flip at all, that's actually a really interesting way to think about this. I'm not good at building capsules at all, but maybe if I scale this down it'll be less overwhelming...

deb

Veteran

First of all, congratulations on the decision. Sometimes that is the hardest part. I have a few questions about what is left in your current wardrobe.

What styles and colors are your jeans? Are they current?
The same questions about your boots. What about adding a fun sneaker?
Are your sweaters short and boxy, long and boxy, cardigans, chunky? If we had a list we might better understand where you really are and how a few purchases will make you feel better and not frumpy.

It will get better, I promise.

Anonymous

I'd love to contribute here but being relatively new here I don't know anything about your former situation and injury but.....since you are a fellow Canadian, I feel a kinship of sorts

Vancouver is the home of the sporty luxe look, and it's no coincidence that it works well for the SAHM and a busy parent of active kids. I know that my time spent in school gyms, fields, sidelines on rinks etc - was enjoyable because i dressed for it in wonderful activewear. There is so much out there right now that is polished enough to go from being in the house just carrying about your day to having to run out and take kids to games and activities etc. Sweaters and jeans still mix in just fine with the active wear pieces, and it can form a really useful capsule of pieces for you! I based mine on a few pair of tights /yoga pants, soft sweaters that were long enough to cover, a casual army jacket for overtop, and a big scarf, runners, motorcycle boots, or riding boots to finish it off. There are lots of colours in activewear that really make an outfit look cute and make you feel pulled together. Check out Sport Chek, Lululemon, even The Bay for Calvin Klein Activewear.

I hope I haven't missed the point completely here!

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Crackers, we Canadians need to stick together! And you know, you are not the only Vancouverite, either -- there are some great examples of Vancouver MOTG style in Jackie, Ariadne, and Aziriphale, to name just a few!

Please forgive me if this is too personal a question, but have you experienced any body changes as a result of your injury? If not in appearance, then it what you feel capable of? Because if so (either way) that may be contributing to your frustrations -- not only are you getting used to dressing for a new lifestyle but also perhaps a new body type or size.

Anyway -- deep breath! It's definitely tough to begin at the beginning, but it's also exciting to start building a wardrobe. Clean slate!! It means that whatever you purchases is likely to go together beautifully, proportions will be right, colours harmonious, and so on.

We will get you sorted in no time.

What was your favourite outfit of all time? What did you wear the time or times that you looked and felt your best? Can you identify any unifying themes in these outfits?

I agree that it would be a great idea to focus first of all on a functional capsule. How and where will you be spending MOST of your time? What do you imagine wearing in such an environment?

Next, check Angie's body type recommendations for your body type. Does the EF aesthetic work with your shape and size? If so, maybe trying on and buying a few pieces to make up a small capsule would be a fantastic start. And if not, maybe you can find another maker who exemplifies the same simplicity and drape (or whatever it is that appeals in EF's stuff.)

Also, one thing I know you will need is a fantastic rainproof coat. So if you need to get one of those, that would be a really good thing to do.

Caro in Oz

Veteran

" I tried Pinterest and got frustrated, so I've just been cruising everyone else's boards, mine ended up with style schizophrenia, it was all over the map. I thinks that's why I'm so frustrated, what I used to like I still like on others, but not on me anymore. What I like for me feels frumpy when I actually wear it. Weird right."

No not weird - just in transition - big hugs & we are all here to help

Gigi

Veteran

Crackers, first of all, let me say that I am so, so sorry about your injury. It is a real grieving to realize that working is no longer in your future, at least the future as you can see it from this vantage point.

There is a real personality change that takes place after such an injury—at least there was for me. You can no longer enjoy the same things that you did before, the things that created your personality in the first place. This may be part of the reason why you no longer enjoy your wardrobe. As you stated, you have to find a new "you."

After my injury, I found experimenting with clothing to be one of my great joys—something I had never enjoyed before my injury! And I do find that the experimentation seems to be helping me to find a new "me" as well. It is scary not to know what you like anymore, but as you start experimenting, new likes and dislikes will show themselves.

I discovered that after my injury, I was very sensitive to colors. You might want to consider exploring different colors (as solids). I can handle small patterns (although I do not generally like them), but pattern mixing leaves me totally befuddled and confused. The brain just says, "Can't do it!" Also, I seem to garner energy from high-contrast dressing, whereas low-contrast dressing keeps me in fatigue land.

Feel free to PM me anytime if you ever want to talk.

Gigi

Veteran

Oh, about Pinterest...it frustrates me too. I ended up just using iPhoto on my Mac. I find a photo I like and then drag it to iPhoto. After I do this for an hour or so, I go into iPhoto and can sort the imports into their proper albums. I created a mood board based on this post on the blog Into Mind:

http://into-mind.com/2014/02/28/mood-boards-2-0/

I know, it's a lot of reading. Basically, the author is saying to look for only one element at a time when you're browsing pics to see what you like: single colors; color combos; single items; combinations of specific items; beauty looks; silhouettes or proportions; patterns (can you do leopard or something simple like that?); textures or materials; moods or overall themes. I found that by being able to focus my attention on only one element at a time, things weren't as overwhelming. So I pulled all the pics I found into iPhoto and then divided them up into albums for each of these areas. I found it much easier than trying to figure out Pinterest.

claire

Deb, my jeans are current, I have a few pairs of rag and bone Dres, TR Cameron's, assorted boyfriends and slouchy skinnies. For boots I have a couple of pairs of Fryes (engineers and Veronica slouches), I donated everything else since I have balance issues now. And I have way too many sweaters. So I'm not lacking I guess, but it's all piecemeal leftovers from before or things I bought on a whim during my recovery so nothing actually goes with anything.

Lisap, you got it totally, thank you.

claire

Suz, you are awesome. Not too personal at all, I did gain some weight, but the hardest part about a brain injury is the unseen part of feeling like a completely different person and not knowing who you are. So how I used to dress and what I felt good in now feels totally strange and costumey, it's so weird. It wasn't hard saying goodbye to my work clothes, as beautiful and curated as they were, after three years of looking at them sitting there unworn it was kind of cathartic. But getting dressed every day is the most frustrating thing ever, nothing feels like me.

Anyways, before I drown in self pity, I am sorted for a raincoat, you just can't get by in vancouver without one! And I have my hunter boots, Fryes, and lots of other "pieces", but nothing goes together anymore. I think I may have bought a few things during my recovery, so everything's very piecemeal, nothing' actually goes with anything. So it all seems kind of complicated if you know what I mean.

I've read Angie's body type posts. I'm definitely an IT, with apple, so I can carry off the drapey with a strong shoulder line I think...

claire

Gigi, thank you. It's so funny, I loved experimenting with clothes before and although I love reading the forum now, I just don't have the brain energy to play with my own clothes. I think that's the appeal of EF, everything just goes with everything and you don't have to think about it. I don't seem to be able to handle the vivid colors I used to love, now it's all about neutrals and low contrast, I just want everything "quiet" and uncomplicated.

Jen W

I think that periods of transition are incredibly difficult. The hardest part, in my opinion, is the stage where you have given up what doesn't work or which is no longer you but there is still no real sense of the future you to hold onto. That gestational period is very challenging!

I've been rebuilding my wardrobe after weight loss, and it gets better. For a long time I had nothing, then a few things that weren't right but at least I could put on a top and bottom that went together. I'm still mid stream so to speak, but I don't cry over my wardrobe any more. Be kind to yourself while you figure out who this new person is and what makes her happy. You are in the right place to get help figuring it all out.

rachylou

Veteran

You could start from the inside, as opposed to the outside. I mean, in terms of life philosophy. I'm basically punk-prep connection, and a lot of things flow from there.

I also did Style Statement. There's a do-it-yourself book now (by the same name), but back when I got an actual consult. They asked also sorts of questions, which bubbled up what I was all about. My statement was/is, "Contemporary Beauty." The first word is what they called your "80%" - your main theme. The second is your "20%" - your twist. Mine is fairly accurate. I'm interested in being where it's at, the big forward pushes, and I'm also interested in what makes things shine.

It doesn't given me a visual standard, but it tells me something about the qualities thing have to have to work for me. The outer look just grows out of it.

misapb

I am new here but wanted to say I am sorry to hear about your injury. I work with a lot of military veterans with TBI and I understand how challenging recovery and the 'new normal' can be. And how exhausting and overwhelming it can be to explore new concepts or pursue creative endeavors. Sending healing thoughts.

Maybe start small, let us help you find a formula that you feel good in and then replicate it in your shopping. I like the idea of trying on a few EF outfits and sending us pic. Alternately, you can shop your closet (rag and bone jeans and frye boots are an awesome place to start!) and send us a few pics for suggestions on how to make the outfits feel less frumpy and more snazzy.

claire

Jen W, you are so right about transitional periods, I'm glad it's been getting better for you!

Rachylou, love this idea, thank you!

Thanks for the kind words misapb, it's definitely overwhelming right now, which is a big part of the problem.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Oh, Crackers, I hear you -- and my heart goes out to you. It really is a process of being reborn, so it is bound to be a bit awkward and messy at times. And a brain injury messes with your sense of self like no other. But you will find your new "you" and finding your new fashion sweet spot may in fact be key to a more general feeling of self-love and self-acceptance. So it's an even worthier project!

No wonder you crave calm and ease. Who wouldn't?!

Also, if EF appeals to you -- maybe that is the place to start! A trip to the store for sure. Try on. Maybe you can simply purchase a capsule. The sweaters and tops would work with your jeans and boots and refresh those. Once you have one workable capsule, you can think a bit about other types of occasion you might need clothing for -- holidays, etc.

Something else I am wondering about -- maybe a short visit with a stylist if your budget would allow this. (Hey, I know a great one down the road in Seattle....).

Someone who could help you lay your things out, look at them, and tell you what really does go with what, and how to put it together. It may be simply that you've temporarily lost some confidence in your own judgement -- not that things are actually looking bad. And an objective eye might really help. Or it may be that you simply need to purchase a few accessories to tie things together in an easy way, or a jacket. That third "statement piece."

If you have a fashion-minded friend, that could also be great, although friends from old days might be wanting you to look like your "old self," which could complicate the situation.

April

Veteran

I think it's great that you're both recognizing the changes in your circumstances and attempting to continue feeling fab in spite of what sound like major challenges.

To avoid feeling frumpy in the EF aesthetic, I would not embrace the full-on volume-over-volume vibe, which can be tricky unless you're extremely tall and angular. I would combine flowy tops and sweaters with skinnies instead.

jackiec

Veteran

Hello fellow Vancouverite! I am sorry to hear about your injury. I can imagine things have been tough. It's quite a substantial change to haul off all of your work clothes. You feel like you've been left jeans, sweaters, and boots, and yet you feel frumpy. Let me assure you that my closet is pretty much jeans, sweaters, and boots yes, some combinations can feel frumpy, but with the right tweaks you can feel great. Sounds like you already have some great pieces and just need a little tweaking. I've been into the EF store down on Granville once, and they were really helpful. Lots of great things but I was only looking for a tank top. I'm sure you could try on a bunch of stuff in there to get a feel for what works for you and what you love. Or seriously, Suz is right, why don't you book a day with Angie? It's only a few hours away and boy that would be money well spent

I'm sure all this talk and analysis is exhausting for you. My son was concussed almost 2 years ago (hockey) with balance issues (and I don't mean to compare issues, I'm sure your injury is much more severe) and it was exhausting and frustrating for him.

There's a good chance we run in similar circles here! My boys play hockey, and years ago played soccer. They are 13 and 12.

Hugs and hope this thread is helpful for you

claire

Suz, I think you're right about needing a few key pieces to tie things together. And I don't trust my own judgement any more. I was the one who gave the fashion advice to all my friends before, now I can still dish it out, I just can't see it for myself. Friends definitely don't get it. Hadn't thought of a stylist....

Thanks April, you're right about volume over volume, I'm glad I didn't purge my skinnies.

Hey jackiec, I really don't miss my work clothes. I used to love my jeans and sweaters, before I could layer and everything felt good. Now, I guess I just have to find a way to make them feel like me again. I do have some good pieces, but they're just pieces now, you know? So I guess I'm off to EF for a try on session, and oh I would love to go see Angie, I know she would sort me out in no time. How do we get her up to Vancouver?