Saddest birthday. - YouLookFab Forum

Category

Off Topic

Welcome! Read about what to wear and how to wear it on the YLF Blog. Join the YLF Forum to ask specific questions or just chat about fashion and personal style. Or check out the curated list of things we love in YLF Finds.

Outfits Ensembles Trends Advice

Saddest birthday.

Aziraphale

Veteran

It's my birthday today. I'm 43.

My seven-year-old, who comes in to cuddle every single morning, did not do so today. He must be growing up.

My husband went off to work without waking me up, no doubt because he thought I would like to sleep in.

A bunch of acquaintances wished me happy birthday on Facebook, because Facebook reminded them that it's my birthday. They wouldn't have known otherwise.

Three good friends also wished me happy birthday on Facebook. Friends I never have time to see anymore, because even though they live in town, we all too busy with kids and work. We see each other the odd time, but not enough for me to feel connected.

My other two closest friends moved out of town several years back.

My actual mailbox is empty. I didn't get a single card this year. Not even from my beloved aunts who live in England, and whom I talk to once a month.

No doubt my brother will forget to call. He did last year.

I'm going over to my parents' place for dinner. My mom doesn't recognize me anymore. This is my first birthday where she's effectively "not there". Except she is there, her wasted body a constant reminder that she's gone. Also, the palliative care nurse talked us in to funeral planning last Tuesday, so I've been crying all week over that.

My in-laws had the kids overnight on Saturday so my husband and I could go out for dinner, but I came down with a fever and a rash and slept all day and night, and most of the next day too. Bummer.

What am I doing wrong? I used to love life. I used to love birthdays. Now I just feel old and worn out. How can life be so empty when I try so hard?

Off Topic

44 replies

Latest reply was from Ankita

Sal

Veteran

Oh Elizabeth that sounds sad. I think birthdays bring high hopes and when they are dashed it can feel very lonely. Hugs from cold frosty NZ.

You need to plan something lovely for yourself, with or without your family.

Facebook is a funny thing isn't it. I know how suddenly you get random people wishing you happy birthday and then the close people think a quick one liner suffices. I now arrange a lunch for friends every birthday as this way I know I have something nice to do. I have had a couple similar, and then there was the year DH gave me a canary yellow terry towelling onesie....NOT as a joke.

Happy Birthday!!

Peri

Veteran

None of these things are your fault and in no way reflect your value! They are just things that happen. I hate FB birthdays, don't even put mine on! But people really don't tend to send cards anymore. Anyway, my 50th was full of things like this, talk about depressing!

My Rx:

1) Tell hubby you have had a rotten birthday and can he please do something to save it. Maybe after the dinner he can take you someplace for an amazing dessert.
2) Pick out the present you wish you had gotten and buy it for yourself. Tell DH it is from him and you really love it, thank you.
3) Call the least busy good friend and invite her to lunch.
4) Call it your birthday week. Who cares about the actual day. Be special for the whole week and plan something you like: massage, mani, whatever.
5) Tell your son it is your birthday and what would he like to give you? He will come up with something interesting I'm sure.

There...have a great birthday week and feel better!

Anonymous

It's true, sometimes you have to give yourself the things you wish others were giving you. Schedule a dinner out with some of your favorite people (you don't have to tell them it's for your birthday unless you want to). Or take yourself out for a nice mani/pedi. Or schedule an appointment with a good life coach to get back on track. Be nice to yourself!

Word Lily

Veteran

Happy birthday!!! Some years birthdays are the pits, for sure.

Things like what you're going through with your mom will naturally overshadow everything else, while they're happening. But that doesn't mean you don't still love life or that all of your birthdays will be bad from here on out.

Sometimes I think my high expectations for birthdays are the real problem; I'm so much more likely to be disappointed with high hopes than if I had lower, more realistic, expectations.

Salvage what's left of this day/week/month as well as you can, and don't despair.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Although today has not been celebratory - PLEASE have a birthday month and celebrate the fabness of you immediately. Make an effort to plan things with others and OWN the spirit of your birthday.

I know it's been extremely depressing and heartbreaking to see your Mum's health deteriorate - and things like that tend to overshadow our own celebrations. But set the example for your kids and CELEBRATE LIFE. We on YLF adore you - and I know that the loving does not stop there. xo

Robin

What the wise Peri said.

None of this is your fault or you being a bad person.

I also second peri's RX.

Sometimes it doesn't feel fair when we have to, but usually when we tell people who love us how they can help make something better, or special, they're thrilled to do that.

*sending virtual hugs and chocolate if you want either*

Your reply

annagybe

(website)

Veteran

I'm sorry.
But I've realized at my age if I don't organize my own birthday celebration that nothing will happen.

Transcona Shannon

Veteran

I love what Angie said and couldn't agree more. Happy Birthday beautiful lady

Caro in Oz

Veteran

I love Angie's thoughts too. Happy Birth(day) Month!!!!!!!

catgirl

Veteran

E, you are breaking my heart. You matter and are certainly loved. I am on vacation, but when I can reply on more than a phone I have so much to say. It is life at our age that brings these struggles and the strength to face them. You are not alone no matter how much it feels that way. Although I have the big 5-0 coming up, birthdays have ceased to matter to me that much - I am more interested in experiencing to the fullest what good life can bring, knowing these battles are not going away (3 major deaths in the last year). Xoxoxo

MsMary

Veteran

Hugs, Elisabeth! You are in the very hardest stage of life -- the "sandwich generation," taking care of aging parents and young children! It's so hard to get a minute for yourself and it's hard for everybody to remember that you, the all-knowing, all-powerful, all-loving, all-caretaking wonder woman, need love and recognition too!! I think part of the reason you are feeling empty is that you try so hard that your tank is just out of gas!!

I second all of Peri's excellent suggestions, and I join Angie in proclaiming that you are fab and adored here at YLF!! I wish you were closer -- I would take you out for a spa day and champagne and anything else your heart desires!!

This post has 1 photo. Photos uploaded by this member are only visible to other logged in members.

If you aren't a member, but would like to participate, please consider signing up. It only takes a minute and we'd love to have you.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Elisabeth -- I'm so sorry that you faced this kind of sadness on your birthday. It's been awful for you to watch your mother's health decline and all the while you have had such a punishing schedule. Wishing you strength, and hope, and a much better week and month and year. xoxoxox

deb

Veteran

Happy Birthday!!! I am so sorry the day has not gone well.

Gaylene

Veteran

Aw, Elisabeth, some birthdays just are duds. People love us, but their actions and timing just don't show it.

I'm in Angie's camp that we need to start celebrating ourselves instead of relying on others to do it for us. It's time to step back from your obligations and responsibilities for a day and devote some time to doing something that makes you happy. Call it a birthday present to yourself from those who love you.

anne

Veteran

It'll be past the actual day when you read this, so hope you've taken everyone's advice and done (or planned) something to celebrate. Birthday week or month sounds great.
This is such a hard time for you in general, specially with your mum, that I can understand how a few extra things, like missing the cuddle from your son, and being sick last weekend, can seem like the last straw.

I really help your DH and kids rallied round in the evening - if they didn't I'd be having a few words with them!!

I'm also in the camp of organising my own celebrations now too. My family are keen to love me, but they can't read my mind.

rachylou

Veteran

Aww, Az! Think of it this way... Birthdays are the High Holy Day of Anton LeVey's Satanic Church... Don't take that the wrong way peeps, Anton is just a schmuck. I never do my b-day on my b-day personally...

Gigi

Veteran

Oh, AZ, what a rotten b-day! My b-day is pretty well forgotten among my family members too...it can be so depressing. Know that you are loved here! I hope that you can find some way to treat yourself that will bring you some happiness.

Anonymous

Oh, Happy Birthday! I'm sorry it hasn't been fab so far, but I do love Peri's suggestions and I definitely think you should make it a Birthday month.

Deborah

Veteran

I am late, but echo Angie. You are a beautiful smart woman and I love that I know you, even if it's just a little bit, here on the Forum. I say embrace your specialness and share it... let it the celebrations begin! Lots of love and happy birthday.

Summer

Veteran

I'm so sorry that your special day was so underwhelming for you, and I agree that some treats are called for. Please be kind to yourself, and know that you are valued and appreciated here on the forum. Here's to better days ahead.

cheryle (Dianthus)

(website)

Veteran

Happy birthday!!! Is there something you have wanted for a while but don't have yet? If so, I think you deserve a B-day present from you to you. Indulge yourself. You deserve it for everything you do for others without thinking about yourself.

You are doing nothing wrong. Life has ups and downs and sadly you may be in a down phase. Ride it out and life will once again be happy.

Facebook is a double edged sword. It is a wonderful way to keep in touch with people but can also bring you to the realization of how superficial some relationships can be.

It is very difficult to establish new friendships when we have competing priorities and family responsibilities. You are not alone in this.

(((hugs))) regarding your mom. My mom is drifting away too and it is so hard to see and there is a feeling of helplessness that comes with it. Hang in there.

Style Fan

Veteran

I am sorry that your birthday was not a special day. I second the advice you have received to make a birthday week or birthday month. You are dealing with the change in your mother and the growing up of your son. Friends tend to be scarce at this time of life.

Thirkellgirl

Veteran

I've had years where I felt very let-down by my birthday, and I determined that it was a matter of my expectations more so than how much other people loved and valued me. I'm not saying it's an easy thing to do, at all, but working through what your actual expectations are (that you would be kissed by your son, that your husband would greet you first thing instead of letting you sleep in, that you would be convinced that people celebrate you without an online prompt, etc) and letting them go, somehow, will make things happier for you in future. I now am very open about what will make *me feel celebrated, and have found that my husband is more than happy to do those things (I think husbands in general are happy to have specific instructions about what makes us happy). I plan something happy for *myself, and I cherish *myself (whether that means shopping, planning a lunch date, going to a spa, whatever). Happy birthday to you today, and I hope that your day gets better. You are no doubt loved and cherished and will be in the future, too. Cherish yourself today.

Eliza

Veteran

Elisabeth- sorry for your disappointing birthday. Despite childcare, life had other ideas and you have a heavy weight on you with your mother's decline. You are valued here and day to day. Sometimes the stars don't align on "the day", but it doesn't mean you can't have the experiences that would matter most.

I hope it helped to state your frustrations; sometimes that is a big part of moving on to create a better moment. Don't give up on this one; one of my then young relatives dubbed her birthday a "month-long jubilee". Some groups of friends create a birthday tradition of going out together near each other's birthday or even once a year for everyone. You may not be alone in valuing such a gathering and having a routine helps to keep it happening.

Lots of ideas here and lots of good thoughts headed your way. I'm guessing most of us have had years like this and perhaps they spur us to take care of ourselves, even as there is tough stuff going on.

Hang in there and all the best with your mother.

Jenn

(website)

Veteran

I know it's now the day after your birthday, but we're near-birthday-twins (I turned 42 today) and I wanted to let you know you're not alone. I haven't felt this way for my birthday this year, but you're describing exactly the way I felt on mother's day. I lay on my bed for an hour and cried, feeling simultaneously like no one really appreciated or valued me and like there was something wrong with me for being so upset when I, of course, knew I was loved.

Anne is right when she says our loved one can't read our minds, but we really want them to, don't we? And movies and books and television all condition us to believe it's possible. I hope you followed Peri's prescription and, if not, I hope you're able to celebrate for the rest of the week without the weight of expectations. Happy birthday week to you!

abc

Veteran

Happy bday. I am so saddened to read your thread but the replies full of support and love and really great suggestions made me feel better so I hope they do the same for you, too. Hugs.

Aziraphale

Veteran

Thanks for the kind words, everyone.

I didn't actually have high hopes AT ALL for this birthday -- in fact I was sort of dreading it, because I knew I'd be going over to my parents' place, which is sad at the best of times. A birthday can sharpen the sense of loss (My mom's birthday in June was just as tough). Also, this birthday really brought into focus all of the other little losses that have piled up over the years.

However, now that it's over I feel better. The hardest bit was having dinner at the dining room table with an empty space where my mom used to sit (she was upstairs, asleep). But my husband came through and made it there by 6:30, which is really early for him. Family occasions are so much easier when he's there. The kids were very sweet, too. I'm grateful for my loving family.

Thanks again for letting me vent. I really do appreciate you taking the time to write something supportive.

Diana

Veteran

Hugs and belated birthday wishes!

I'm not really a big one for birthdays (too much expectation, baggage, etc) but I do think it's good to have a day of celebration once in a while. So I think you should pick a random day and just do things that make you happy.

Alassë

Veteran

I'm so sorry to read this, Aziraphale. Praying for you and the emptiness you talked about. I hope you can pick something special to do (or suggest it to your family).

12